


Shifting Lines - Book One

by DovahTobi



Series: Shifting Lines [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alice Longbottom - Freeform, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Body Horror, Bullying, Child Abuse, Coming of Age, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Fluff, Friendship, Genius Remus Lupin, Gore, Hogwarts, Hogwarts First Year, Hurt Remus Lupin, I'll try to do better next time, I'm new to sharing my work so trigger warnings aren't something I'm used to doing, I'm sorry these tags are such a mess, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Indian James Potter, It's just their first year it'll be a while, Just wanted to put that out there, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Marauders era, Neurodivergent Remus Lupin, Nightmares, Original Character(s), PLEASE just let me know and I will, POV Remus Lupin, Person of Color James Potter, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Protective Sirius Black, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Self-Hatred, Severus Snape - Freeform, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Touch-Averse, Touch-Starved, Unintentional Self Harm I guess?, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Werewolves, Werewolves Turn Into Actual Wolves, Whump, Young Remus Lupin, and going to school and existing, but they're not main characters, cause they don't get together right now but they do eventually, comic mischief, eventually there will be plenty of LGBT plus rep in this story, full moons last multiple nights, he should be tagged I guess haha, i guess?, if you want me to put a warning for each chapter this happens in, like idk most this series is about the Marauders growing up, long haul - Freeform, once they get older and start realizing things, she's in a few scenes just not a big character yet?, should I tag this as Wolfstar?, smol Remus Lupin, some of his full moon wounds are detailed, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2020-07-27 09:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 94
Words: 324,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20043763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DovahTobi/pseuds/DovahTobi
Summary: Long haul Remus Lupin story. Book One covers his First Year at Hogwarts and all its ups and downs. Making friends, keeping his secret, and trying to cope with being in the real world for the first time in his life.The world of Shifting Lines will eventually include Wolfstar. Mostly canon with a few exceptions.Completed 3/3/2020!





	1. Prologue - Pictures On A Mantelpiece

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys this note is being added on even though I am almost done publishing his first year. Basically this is the first time in a very long time I am sharing anything like this. I am still new to using trigger warnings so if there is anything you need warned about just let me know.If you need warnings at the start of the chapters in which it happens I'll be glad to do that too. If I've missed something with warnings just let me know and I'll fix that. I want my readers to be comfortable. Thank you and I hope you enjoy the story!!

_Dear Professor Dumbledore,_

_It is with great regret that I inform you that Remus Lupin will be unable to attend Hogwarts this coming school year, or any school year. Please remove him from the list. Thank you._

_Lyall Lupin_

*

A mile or so outside of Dragon’s Field (one of the smaller Welsh wizarding communities) stood a small cottage, nestled at the edge of some thick woods. It looked unassuming and quite average. The man standing in front of the garden gate, however, did not. His long white hair and beard belied his years, and he wore swishy bright blue robes with a rather sparkly pointed hat. He checked a piece of paper in his hand and then opened the gate, striding up to the door.

_Knock-knock-knock_!

He stuck his hands in his robes pockets and smiled as he waited. A thin, exhausted looking middle-aged man opened the door and studied Dumbledore with narrowed eyes. "Yes?"

"Mr. Lupin? I'm Albus Dumbledore."

The man went white and he adjusted himself so the door was only an inch or so open. “Mister—ahh—Professor Dumbledore. Wh—what brings you here?”

Dumbledore pulled a bit of parchment out of his pocket. "This letter, Mr. Lupin. You sent it to me yesterday, about your son? That he won't be attending Hogwarts?"

“Er…” Mr. Lupin glanced behind him then back at Dumbledore. “Correct.”

"You do realize he's had his name down since he was born," Dumbledore said.

"Yes, well, either way, he's going to be kept home," Mr. Lupin's voice trembled just slightly.

"Is there a reason why?" Dumbledore inquired, frowning. He knew Lyall Lupin's parents had sent him to Beauxbatons and, upon receiving the letter, wondered if that's where Lyall had been planning on sending _his_ son. The information that the child was to be kept home took Dumbledore by surprise.

“Ahhh… y—yes,” Mr. Lupin forced out. "It's my wife, you see, she's very ill, and... loves the boy dearly and wishes him to stay with her."

There was a movement behind Mr. Lupin and Dumbledore leaned a bit to get a better look at the tiny figure standing in the living room. He looked younger than his eleven years, and small. Light, tawny brown hair an absolute mess. He wore only a long nightshirt, and held a very thick book in one hand that didn’t seem possible for him to even be able to hold up. Dumbledore took in the boy’s sickly pale skin, the dark circles under his eyes… he looked fragile and delicate, like one touch could break him into pieces.

_It isn't Mrs. Lupin that's sick_, Dumbledore thought, wondering why Mr. Lupin would lie about that. The child being sick was a more logical reason to keep him from school so why didn't...?

“Remus!” Mr. Lupin snapped in an angry voice, following Dumbledore’s gaze. “I told you to stay in your room!” A flash of fear went across the boy's face as he took a few steps back and then ran off out of view, bare feet pattering against the floor. Mr. Lupin turned back to look at Dumbledore. “Apologies for that. Now, er, was there anything else you needed?”

“He’s the one who's ill, isn't he?” Dumbledore looked up at the house, taking in the sense of multiple protection spells placed on the building including one that gave off an air of 'nothing to see here'. Then he took in the look of fear that had entered Mr. Lupin’s eyes. “May I come in?”

"I'm sorry, we're--"

But Dumbledore walked in past him, ignoring his protests. "What does he have?" he asked, looking around the room. He went over to the fireplace, knowing it wasn't connected up to the floo network, which Dumbledore thought was rather strange especially being in such a small community. It was as if the family was doing their best to keep everyone as far away from them as possible.

"Er, no, you're mistaken, it's my wife that's sick," Mr. Lupin mumbled.

There were pictures on the mantel, pictures of the boy growing from a tiny toddler to a tiny child. Almost all photographs of Remus showed him looking very sick and the few of Mrs. Lupin showed her looking very healthy. One picture stood out. Mr. and Mrs. Lupin with their son who looked perhaps two or three and perfectly healthy. Rosy-cheeked, even.

“Professor, really, I’m not sure right now is a good time!” Mr. Lupin said rather desperately, wringing his hands.

The picture beside it showed Remus Lupin looking around age five, now very ill as he sat under a flowering tree in his healthy mother's lap, beaming at the book she was reading to him. _They used to live in Hollyhock Hollow,_ Dumbledore thought, the pieces falling together._ They moved in… 1964? Around the time Remus Lupin grew sick? Hollyhock Hollow… 1964… something happened… Ah._

He turned around, the answer very obvious. “Lycanthropy,” he said.

Mr. Lupin went pure white and his lips began trembling. "Professor, I d—don’t know what you’re talking about. It's time you go."

Dumbledore smiled rather sadly. "Remus is a werewolf, isn’t he? Don’t bother denying it. In 1964, where you used to live, there was a spot of werewolf trouble. He was bitten then, wasn’t he? That’s why you’re not letting him come to school. I can understand that." Dumbledore didn't add he knew for a fact the boy wasn't registered as he knew all the names on the rather short list. He picked up the most recent picture of young Lupin: sitting on the couch, a book open in his lap, not even paying attention to the camera. _He’s had his name down since he was born_. It wasn't extremely unusual for that to happen, however that typically only happened to purebloods. While the Lupin family was quite old, Remus's mother was Muggle and Lyall himself hadn't been put in the book until he was a year old. The fact their child was written down the second he was born proved he had immense talent.

Dumbledore knew he couldn’t just abandon the child, couldn’t let a light like that extinguish before his time. _Most werewolves are turned when they're older... after they've had some time to live... this is taking everything away from that boy... to not even go to school... not get an education..._

"Professor—" Mr. Lupin said anxiously.

Dumbledore just kept staring at the picture then up when he sensed someone else watching him. Remus was crouched in another room, peering around the corner of the door frame, gold-amber eyes locked on Dumbledore with curiosity. When Dumbledore looked at him, Remus gave a slight gasp and ducked back out of sight in a rather canine-ish manner.

“Professor—” Mr. Lupin tried once more.

Dumbledore set the picture down and went to the doorway. Remus was on the floor, still listening in. He scrambled to his feet, looking absolutely terrified of the wizard before him. Mr. Lupin came hurrying in and stood between the two of them. "Remus," Dumbledore said, acting as if Mr. Lupin wasn't there at all. "Would you like to go to Hogwarts?"

"Professor, really!" Mr. Lupin said.

Remus just stared at Dumbledore, eyes going even wider. He slowly looked at his father then back at Dumbledore. Then in a thin, frail voice tinged with regret he said, "Can't. M--mother's ill." Mr. Lupin put a hand on his son's shoulder and squeezed.

Dumbledore stepped forward and looked down into Remus's eyes. "If you could," he whispered, once more ignoring Mr. Lupin trying to cut him off, "would you like to come to school? Learn magic?"

"Learn?" Remus couldn't help himself but ask. Dumbledore easily read the eagerness in his face, and smiled at the child as he replied, "Y... yes...!"

"_Remus_!" Mr. Lupin snarled and Remus flinched. Mr. Lupin pushed his son behind him. "Professor, I think you've overstayed your welcome."

"Considering I didn't get one at all, that doesn't surprise me."

Mr. Lupin glared. "Stop filling his head with impossible ideas!"

"Impossible?" Dumbledore straightened up to full height. "Mr. Lupin that is not a word I like to hear. No, no. Remus can attend Hogwarts. It will merely take a few... additions to the school to make things safe. Every child deserves an education, Mr. Lupin; cursed or not." He took a swift step forward and knelt in front of Remus, taking the boy's small hands into his own and spoke the words that would forever resonate in Remus's heart.

"My dear boy... Hogwarts welcomes you with open arms."


	2. Chapter One - Firecracker and Glasses

_I know who I am now And all that you've made of me I know who you are now And I name you my enemy_

_I know who I am now I know who I want to be I want to be more than this devil inside of me_

_Dear Wormwood by the Oh Hellos_

~*~

_I don’t want to be here... not anymore, at least._

When he woke up in the morning he had felt excited—so excited he nearly made himself sick. He had bounced around, ignoring his mother’s pinched face, hardly able to sit still the entire trip to London. Since their house wasn’t connected to the floo network and his father wasn't the best at Apparation, it was either driving or going into the nearby community for the public floo network connection... and going into town wasn’t much of an option either, as they were a very secretive and private family. So it was by car, and finally, after what felt like ages to the small boy, they arrived at King’s Cross station and the three of them went through the barrier... onto Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

That’s when everything drained out of him. He just stood stock still, terror creeping into his body. His mother stood on one side of him, face still pinched. His father stood on the other, looking rather surly. He knew if he said something they’d happily take him back home and that’d be that. _I could. Mum and Dad were probably right… I don’t belong here…_ He swallowed and took an involuntary step back as a group of kids ran past him laughing. So many people.

“Are you all right?” his dad asked, sounding rather bored.

He slowly nodded and then bowed his head, looking down at his trunk. It was an old trunk someone had brought into the shop where his father worked and Lyall had fixed it up and reinforced the spells so it looked fairly decent, if still a bit battered. His initials—R.J.L.—were stamped on one side in glittering gold letters. Inside were his new school uniforms as well as clothes for the weekends. Books he was bringing to read if he had any spare time. Some candy, tucked away. A little bit of money, for any emergency. And his school books. _A world of knowledge waiting for me._ He had already read through most of them but reading them and being taught were two different things and if he turned back now…

“Are you ready?” his mother asked.

“Yes.” He sounded braver than he felt.

She gave a bit of a sniffle and knelt down, smoothing down his hair and then kissing his forehead. “If you need anything just write to us, you’ve got Arthur now.” She nodded her head at the cage on top of the trunk which held the family’s ancient owl. “We’ll come get you immediately.”

“Yes, Mum.” He was trying not to tremble, trying not to show fear.

His dad took his stuff onto the train and he started to follow him however his mother grabbed his arm. “Actually, if anything happens, send word through Dumbledore, he’d be quicker than Arthur,” she said and he nodded. “You’ll be careful, won’t you?”

_No, Mum, I plan on screaming it at the top of my lungs my first night there._ "Of course I will!"

“You know the rules we agreed on…”

He looked her square in the face and repeated the words she had drilled into his head every single day since the meeting with Dumbledore. “Keep to myself, don’t draw attention to myself, don’t do anything to cause any sort of risk, avoid any sort of duel or fight.”

She stroked his hair gently. “And above all?”

"And above all… don’t make friends."

“Good.”

His dad returned to let him know the trunk and owl had been secured in the luggage and pet compartments respectively. He gave his son’s shoulder a squeeze which was more than the boy expected from him, as he was not a very touchy-feely sort of person. His mother more than made up for that and indeed began hugging him once more, kissing his forehead multiple times as her tears splashed onto his shirt. He heard some other kids snickering at him and a blush rose into his cheeks.

“Goodbye,” he said, wrangling himself free and then shouldering the school satchel he had packed for the trip. “I’ll write to you as soon as I can. I love you!” He quickly got onto the train before she could start crying on him again, and, making himself as small as possible, began looking for a compartment. An empty one. He knew it was a bit selfish however he wasn’t ready to deal with other people. In fact the thought of dealing with other people made him want to vomit. He’d have to soon, and would be sharing a dorm with other boys which—_Merlin_—was the most terrifying thing of all. And the classes would have more people. _Double Merlin_.

_Until then…_ He found an empty compartment and slipped in, locking the door behind him as well as shutting the curtains. He just stared at the door for a second or two then climbed onto a seat, peering out the window. His parents saw him and began waving. He waved back, shouting another goodbye before sliding down onto his butt. Other students were leaning out their windows waving at their families but he didn’t want to be doing that for the remaining minutes until the train started.

_This is it_. He ran his fingers along the seat, wondering how many other students had sat where he was now sitting, how many felt as afraid as he did. He knew how many were exactly like him, though: a big fat zero._ Unprecedented. Can't happen. Impossible!_ Words thrown around at the meeting Professor Dumbledore had had with his parents a couple weeks ago. Words from his mother and father. Dumbledore’s words had been along the lines of, _Safe. Promise. Deserving. _He kept smiling at Remus over the gobstones game they were playing (which Remus won every round of) and kept using words that didn't sound like they should be said about him. _Exemplary talent_.

He gave a bit of a frightened yelp as the train whistle went off, and clamped his hands over his ears. Then the train rolled out of the station, heading north, taking Remus Lupin towards Hogwarts.

*

The first hour of travel time was spent with his nose in a book, one of his all time favorites he had picked for the trip, for the comfortable familiarity. He had read the adventures of Bilbo and the dwarves a multitude of times (as well as the other books of course) yet it never ceased to be enjoyable, even the sad bits. During this time there were several knocks at the door, all of which he ignored, all of which went away. Then at about twelve-thirty his stomach growled loudly.

He reluctantly set the book down and began going through the bag for the food his mother had packed. Two bacon sandwiches, a bag of crisps, an apple, and two bottles of water. He unwrapped one sandwich and started to take a bite when there was a rather desperate sounding knock at the door. He frowned, trying to ignore it. The knocking stopped and then he heard someone on the other side of the door say something muffled yet familiar… the syllables sorted themselves out in his ear a split-second too late for him to do anything about it.

The door swung open, as it had been the unlocking charm he heard, and two boys tumbled in. They both started laughing and then one of them apologized to the small boy as he slammed the door shut and relocked it. “We were in sore need of a hideout!” he said as he turned lean against the door as if to offer further protection.

The other boy was still on the floor, laughing. “His face, his stupid face!”

“Once he catches us, you’re dead,” said the one still standing.

His friend shook his head. “Totally worth it!”

Remus shrank back on his seat, trying not to tremble. “A-hem. Excuse me. Erm. E—excuse me…! Um, I—I’m sorry but—I--I…” He had talked plenty with his parents but now facing two people he had never met before, everything became so much more difficult and the words got tangled up. "Prefer--alone," he finally managed, knowing he probably sounded like a madman.

They both looked at him and the one standing gave a brilliant smile. “Apologies again, you see we’re in a bit of a spot of trouble and just need to hide out for a few minutes.”

“Shan’t be too long, I imagine, a goon like that should lose interest any second now,” said the one still on the floor. Then his face went quite white as someone began knocking on the door. “Errp.”

The two of them backed away, looking anxious. “Think it’s him?” whispered the first boy.

An older boy shouted for someone to open the door and the one who had been on the floor gave a miserable sigh. “Yeah, that’s him. Guess I’ll have to take the beating. My poor face!"

Remus glanced at them then went over to the door, feeling a little sorry for them despite the fact it was pretty clear they got themselves into the situation. He took in a deep breath then opened the door a couple inches so he could poke his face out. Three older Gryffindors were standing there, one of them looking terrifyingly strong. “C—can I help you?” He found if he focused really hard, the words worked.

The burly one smiled. “Sorry to bother you, kiddo, but mind if we take a look in there?”

“How come?” Remus whispered, knitting his brow and frowning as he concentrated on speaking. “Did--did--did something happen?”

“We’re just looking for some first-years…” He tried to look past him and Remus shifted the door so he couldn’t.

“I’m a first-year,” he said, sounding afraid. It wasn’t that difficult to do. Especially since he was doing one of the things his mother specifically told him not to do. Getting into the middle of something he shouldn’t, drawing attention.

The Gryffindor gave a reassuring smile. “Not you. Are you alone in there?”

“Uh-huh. D--don't feel well.”

It only took him a couple seconds to decide Remus was telling the truth. One quick look at his pale, translucent skin, limp hair, dark circles under his eyes, thin face. “All right, thanks. Sorry to bother you. C’mon guys, let’s check the rest of the carriage…”

Remus shut the door and then turned around, jumping as both boys were practically on top of him. Far too close.

“Bloody brilliant!” exclaimed the one who had been worried about his face.

The other one examined Remus up and down. “Are you really sick?”

Their closeness to him made him feel beyond uncomfortable and he scurried back to his seat, drawing himself up and into the corner. “Nothing catching,” he promised then found the words harder to hold onto now that he wasn't just making excuses. “Erm, you c-can stay in--in--for… for a few-- m--m--until… they go to--carriage…”

That’s all they seemed to need and both of them bounced into the seats across from him. “We’ll go shortly,” said the first boy and then the two of them began talking and giggling with each other. Remus watched them for a couple minutes, curiosity getting the better of him and asked what they had done to cause them to be hunted. That caused more giggles. Then the first one said, “Firecrackers.”

“I threw a firecracker into the stall when he was using it,” the second boy said rather proudly. “The loo,” he added, seeing the smaller boy didn’t seem to know what exactly he meant by stall. Remus put a hand over his mouth at that and he wanted to ask _why_ but the first boy started talking again.

“We would have gotten away except one of his friends was outside and when we came running out he could hear his friend shouting and so the friend grabbed onto us…”

“Then the big guy came storming out all furious and quite damp,” the second boy snickered. “It was great.”

As they laughed, Remus took that moment to study them. The first boy had brown skin, rather thick glasses over hazel eyes, a thin face, and messy black hair that stuck up in all sorts of directions seemingly defying the law of gravity. The second one was pale but not in the same way Remus was, more of the naturally pale sort of way (as opposed to sickly pale). He had a long sort of sloped nose, pale grey eyes that almost seemed silver, and incredibly silky looking black hair that was in waves down to his earlobes.

Glasses wore a tie-dyed shirt and bell bottoms while Firecracker was already in his uniform which fit him impeccably.

“So,” Firecracker said to Remus. “What’s your name?”

He pushed himself farther into the seat. “Th—they’re probably g-gone by now.”

Firecracker flinched and Remus felt slightly bad for being rude (only slightly). “Right-o,” he said, getting to his feet. “Thanks for your help!”

“Our hero,” added Glasses.

They went to the door and peeked out to make sure the coast was clear and, after Glasses gave Remus a salute, the two of them left. He shut the door behind them and relocked it, and when he turned he saw a bar of chocolate sitting on the seat where they had been. He picked it up, wondering if they had dropped it or left it on purpose. If it was on purpose he figured he probably shouldn’t eat it. _Anyone who threw firecrackers into a bathroom stall probably would trick out a chocolate bar to cause some trouble_, he reasoned. So instead he went back to his bacon sandwiches and then picked the chocolate bar back up, eating it too.

After all, what could it do to him?

*

Over the course of the rest of the trip there were several knocks however nobody else broke in (that reminded Remus, he wondered which one used the unlocking spell; he’d have to find out) so he remained alone. When he went to the bathroom at one point he peed as quickly as he could, a touch afraid a firecracker might be thrown in. Nothing like that happened and he returned to his compartment safe and still alone.

In the early evening Remus changed into his new school uniform. He couldn’t help compare how it fit on him versus how Firecracker’s uniform fit. Remus’s had to be too big, so he’d grow into them and not need new ones anytime soon. He had to roll the pant legs up so he wouldn’t step on the backs, and roll the shirt sleeves up so his hands weren’t covered. He tried multiple times to get the tie looking right however no matter what he did it remained crooked and awkward so finally he just left it, and pulled on the black robes. The tie and trim on the vest were grey and would remain grey until morning… until after he was Sorted.

_I wonder what house I’ll be in._ He sat back down, pulling his book into his lap. His mother was Muggle so she never went to Hogwarts, and his father had gone to the French school since _his_ mother was French. Not that Remus knew her. Or anyone else in his family. He thought perhaps his grandfather had been in Ravenclaw though he couldn’t be sure.

_Ravenclaw is probably a bad idea_, he mused as he looked out the window. _Smart people there, able to figure things out… though they're also a bit eccentric so maybe they wouldn't think twice of one of their students going missing every month..._ The train was slowing down and soon he saw a little village in the distance. Hogsmeade. He left his satchel reluctantly even though he knew it would be taken to his dorm. At the last second he pulled his copy of _The Hobbit_ out and tucked it into one of the robes pockets.

On the platform there was a bit of chaos as older students went one way and the first-years were being called by a huge man waving a lantern. Remus crept over, hoping nobody noticed how much he was shaking.

“He has to have giant blood in him,” someone whispered in a sneering sort of way about the huge man trying to herd the first-years.

Finally all the first-years were gathered and the man—who introduced himself as Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts—led them down to the edge of a great expansive lake (informing them only four to a boat) and Remus gave a slight gasp as he saw the school on the other side. It rose up in the mountains, looking beyond glorious. He just gaped openly at the castle, unable to believe that he was standing here, that he was going to be attending the famous school.

“Oof!” he grunted as someone pushed past him, nearly knocking him off his feet.

“Sorry!” came a voice he recognized as Glasses. Remus scowled as he watched him and Firecracker jump into a boat, and Firecracker stood in the way not letting anyone else join them. Not that Remus had any intention of doing so.

He went to another boat and nervously got in, twitching slightly as the boat rocked. It rocked even more as three more students climbed in. Shortly after, the boats began propelling themselves across the lake and he just watched the castle getting closer and closer. Loud noise eventually drew his attention and he looked over to see Glasses and Firecracker in their boat, along with another boy who somehow managed to get in—a rather pudgy boy with mousy brown hair who was clapping and laughing as Glasses stood with one foot on the prow, shouting piratical nonsense. Firecracker was waving his wand around like a sword, also talking like a pirate.

“LAND AHOY!” Glasses shouted as the boats approached a wall of ivy, his voice echoing across the water.

The boats glided through the ivy, down through a rather dark tunnel, and finally ending up bumping up against a sort of stone harbor. Hagrid watched the first-years all carefully as they climbed out. When Remus stepped onto the stone he slipped a little and his arms started wheeling as he nearly fell backwards back into the boat or into the water, but Hagrid was somehow right next to him and grabbed him with a huge hand, pulling him completely off his feet and setting him back down a few feet away from the edge.

“All right?” he asked.

Remus gulped and nodded, not daring to speak, ignoring a few of the other students who were giggling at his clumsiness. Hagrid turned, counted heads, then guided them up a passage, onto the grounds of Hogwarts, up some stone steps where he then knocked on the door.

A witch with long black hair pulled into a tight braid opened the door and looked at the group, a stern look on her face. Hagrid pretty much handed the students over to her, whom he called Professor McGonagall and Remus recognized the name belonging to the Deputy Headmistress from his Hogwarts acceptance letter. She took them through a huge entrance hall and into a small chamber where they were to wait until the Sorting began.

She adjusted her rectangular spectacles and began what sounded like a very practiced speech. “Welcome to Hogwarts. The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses.” She went on to talk a little about the ceremony without saying what it involved although Remus knew from the books he had read that it was as simple as putting a hat on, and then she talked a bit about the houses and how the houses were like family and how pretty much once in a house that’s your life now (at least that’s what it seemed to Remus). She also talked a little bit about something called house points and how important they were, as the house with the most points won the House Cup at the end of the year. A big honor.

McGonagall then told the students to please tidy themselves up as they had to wait a few minutes, then left them alone.

Remus fought off the urge to throw up, terrified of what was to come next.


	3. Chapter Two - In a Hole in the Wall There Lived the Gryffindors

Almost immediately after McGonagall left them alone, everyone began talking. Their voices overlapped and grew louder, giving Remus a bit of a headache as his ears were very sensitive. He took a few steps to the edge of the group, wishing he could just disappear completely. Most of the students were talking about the houses, boasts about which house was best. Several arguments broke out among a few students as they began proclaiming their future house was the one to be in. Gryffindor! Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw! Slytherin!

Remus knew vaguely about the houses and their rivalries from reading _Hogwarts, a History_ (three times) as well as a few other books. He hadn't been raised in a Hogwarts sort of home so everything really went over his head. He knew (sort of) some families were rather vehement about the houses their children were put in. House pride, and all that. Remus knew his parents didn't really care where he wound up just as long as he followed their rules, which he fully intended on doing.

McGonagall returned to fetch the students and she cast a rather despairing look towards Glasses and his wild hair, then she led the students into the Great Hall. Remus's body revolted the second he stepped inside and he stopped walking, absolute fear seizing control of his limbs. The girl behind him gave him a very gentle shove and he stumbled forward, keeping his head down, fighting off the nausea as he shuffled down the aisle with all the older students watching him. _Not me, exactly, all of us... but it feels like they're all on me_!

Then everyone looked at a stool with a large and ancient hat sitting on top. Nobody spoke or moved and Remus wondered what was supposed to happen next when suddenly the hat opened its brim and began singing.

"_I notice all your wide-eyed faces_

_I know you're filled with worry!_

_But don't be such, just please relax_

_And listen to this story._

_I know what's in your deepest thoughts_

_And the traits that you possess_

_It's up to me to send you off_

_A difficult job, I confess_

_There are those of you who seek the smarts_

_You're intelligent and you're bright!_

_That means you'll be in Ravenclaw_

_So let your minds take flight._

_Or maybe you're so very brave_

_You're chivalrous and bold_

_Then to the lion-hearted Gryffindors_

_To the scarlet and the gold_

_Perhaps instead you're very cunning_

_And have a great ambition_

_Then you'll be in the tight-knit house_

_Of resourceful Slytherin_

_Last not least though there's the workers_

_Who give their best as they toil_

_The Hufflepuffs, then, is your place_

_If you're patient and you're loyal._

_Sit right down and put me on_

_I know your hearts are racing..._

_So I'll finish up my silly song..._

_And let's commence the placing!_"

Everyone else in the room cheered loudly though only one or two of the first-years clapped. Remus stood stock still, his hands curled into fists at his side as he tried to stop himself from trembling. He hoped no one else could see though noticed a few other rather shaky students, which made him feel less pathetic.

Then he felt someone press their arm against his and he snapped his head up, finding himself looking into brilliant green eyes. "It's okay, I'm scared too," the girl said and smiled. She was the one who had given him a little bit of a push at the doors when he faltered. He didn't really know what to say in return so he just gave a half-smile back and sort of leaned against her lean, and didn't want to admit how much it helped. He knew he shouldn't allow this to happen, allow anyone to get physically near him, but he caved into the nice feeling it gave him for the time being.

Professor McGonagall had begun reading names off the list, bringing students forward to go through their Sorting. They'd sit on the stool, the Hat would be put on their head, and a few seconds to a couple minutes later the Hat shouted whichever house they belonged in.

"Black, Sirius?"

Remus watched as Firecracker tossed his silky hair back and strode to the stool with his nose in the air. Someone behind Remus whispered something about Slytherin however about thirty seconds or so, the Hat opened its brim and shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!"

The couple of students who went before Sirius had been cheered for when they were Sorted. For Sirius, though, only a scattered few clapped then quieted when they realized they were alone; pretty much most of Gryffindor just looked stunned. Actually, it seemed like the entire room was silent as Black took the hat off, rather shocked and quite frozen. Furious whispers began rising from the green and silver decorated table, someone said 'the hat's gone mad' in a normal toned voice then someone else said very loudly 'traitor' which echoed across the hall and then there were several other voices whispering 'traitor', the word rippling down their table. McGonagall glared at the Slytherins then put her hand on Black's shoulder, bringing him back to reality.

"Go on down to your table now," she whispered in his ear, nobody else really hearing it except for Remus with his cursed ears.

Black carefully set the hat on the stool, turned towards the green-and-silver table, and yelled, "SUCK ON THAT, SLYTHERIN!" Another toss of his hair as he practically skipped to the scarlet and gold table. Several glares were shot his way and the whispers got louder at the Slytherin table. Nobody at the Gryffindor table cheered as Black sat down, keeping his head held high as he stared intently at Glasses who was the _only_ person in the room cheering, ignoring the looks he was getting as he clapped and whistled for Black.

After that strange Sorting, the names went by far too much for Remus's liking and he felt his knees turning to jelly as the list grew closer to the Ls. Especially when the girl leaning against him was taken away.

"Evans, Lily?"

"Good luck," she whispered to Remus then went forward. It took all of five and a half seconds for her to be placed in Gryffindor.

The letters began going by as students were called up. _I can't do this_, he thought as Landers, Evelyn was put into Hufflepuff. _What was I thinking?!_ came as Little, Clara went to Ravenclaw. _I shouldn't have done this, it was all a big mistake_, went through his head as Lovell, Janus was also sent to Ravenclaw.

"Lupin, Remus?" He nearly passed out and went very dizzy for a second, unable to focus. McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "Lupin, Remus?" she repeated. Remus couldn't move though he tried to send the message to his legs to step forward. _I don't belong..._

McGonagall stared directly at Remus and said a third time, "Lupin, Remus?" The student standing behind Remus realized and gave Remus a rougher shove than Evans had earlier, and now he had to creep forward among everyone giggling at him. Slowly he got on the stool and everything went dark as the Hat slipped over his eyes.

"_Well, well, well_," whispered a tiny voice in his ear, causing him to jump. "_What do we have here? A little werewolf_?" Remus's entire body went stiff with absolute terror. He knew the Hat could see into ones mind but this wasn't what he expected, and he resisted the urge to rip the Hat off and take off running. "_Yes, I can see everything, wolf."_ Remus began shaking, wondering if the Hat would announce to everyone, if this was it. "_Oh no. I won't tell. I never tell the secrets I see. Now then, let's get down to business. You've certainly got the brains and talent to be in Ravenclaw. Perhaps in another universe you'd probably be there, however the fates have dealt you a different hand of cards. You're a werewolf. And it takes great nerve and guts to go through what you've been through, and to live the life ahead of you, moon child. You are, without a doubt, a GRYFFINDOR_!"

It shouted the last word and Remus jumped again then pulled the hat off, trying not to cry. It felt beyond his limits of emotions to have had something like that happen. To have something calling him that. Whispering his true form. Hearing someone outside his and his parents stating that horrible, horrible term clearly, identifying him as the monster he was.

He ran down to the Gryffindor table, ignoring both Black and Evans waving towards him; instead he went clear to the end near the doors, finding an empty seat to shrink down into. As he faked an interest in the rest of the Sorting as his knees shook violently under the table. At one point his gaze went to the High Table and met with Dumbledore's pale blue eyes. He gave Remus a brief smile before returning to watching the students.

"Potter, James?"

Glasses strut up to the stool and became one of the fastest Sortings of the night. The very second the Hat touched his head, it announced him as a Gryffindor. Potter grinned a rather dazzling smile and ran down to join Black, crashing into him happily. They gave each other a high five and took their seats, talking for the rest of the Sorting as if nobody else mattered but them.

Finally the last student was placed. Dumbledore welcomed everyone to the school and introduced the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (a middle-aged witch named Professor Dedenne) before announcing the feast had begun. Food appeared across all the tables, several of the new--and more Muggle background--students gasped happily. Remus had been very hungry on the train towards the end of the trip but now he just felt ill. _Werewolf, werewolf, werewolf_, he heard over and over in his head, in the Hat's voice. He dug his fingers into his thighs to stop himself from crying or freaking out or just bolting. He could feel a bit of the wolf deep inside him, urging him to flee. Someone asked him something and he mumbled incoherently in response before putting food on his plate, mostly just to give himself something to do. Everyone else was scarfing their food (except Potter who was balancing a spoon on his nose) while Remus just pushed his food around on the gold plate.

Some screams brought his head back up and he watched as a ghost sitting with Evans a couple other first-years swung his head almost completely off his shoulder. It dangled there for a moment until he brought it back into its proper place as the first-years stared in fright and awe.

"Nearly Headless Nick," said an older student across from Remus, noticing his stares.

Remus blinked, tearing his attention away from the ghost. "Is that really his name?" Fascination, it seemed, was the key to being able to talk vaguely human.

"Oh, his real name is Sir Nicholas something or other but everyone calls him Nearly Headless Nick," chimed in the student sitting on Remus's left side.

_That's a bit rude_, he thought, watching the ghost with interest. _I'll have to find out his proper name. Unless he likes the nickname, of course_. _Doesn't seem to be a very pleasant nickname though._

He had only ever seen a ghost once before in his life and he wasn't even sure if it was a real ghost or a poltergeist. He found ghosts to be very interesting... living--er, not living, but, physical apparitions of history! The things they saw and knew... Remus felt excited to get to know Sir Nicholas, and the other ghosts in the school. Surely he could become friends with _them_... right?

Remus barely ate anything by the time dessert appeared which he dumped on his plate. Sweets were his weakness, especially chocolate and Merlin's beard the chocolate cake he popped into his mouth tasted better than his mother's cake (not that he'd ever tell her!). He ate two huge slices and had several scoops of ice cream with them.

Then once the dessert disappeared, Dumbledore stood up and announced a few rules. The forest was off-limits, no magic to be used in the corridors, there’d be a list of rules posted in each common room so first-years please take note of them, and Quidditch try-outs would be in the second week of the term.

"Also over the summer, Professor Sprout has rescued a rather... rare and interesting specimen that has been placed on the grounds. It is called a Whomping Willow. For those of you unable to guess from the name, it tends to whomp anyone who goes near it. It's quite violent and very dangerous, so keep a wide berth unless you're wanting to join the ranks of Hogwarts ghosts."

Then he made the words to the school song appear in the air and had everyone sing along, no particular tune. Remus mumbled the words so quietly the students around him couldn't even hear him. Down the table Black and Potter more than made up any quietness by shrieking the words to the tune of a popular wizarding song. They had their hands cupped around their mouths to make themselves even louder.

Remus rather hoped he wouldn't be sharing a dorm with them. He knew the dorms were split up depending on the size of the group and _Hogwarts, a History_ explained the dorms could hold up to six students and--_Oh_, he thought, realizing there had only been six boys placed into Gryffindor. Unless the school split them up three and three for some reason, he'd be sharing with the two boys who thought throwing firecrackers into an occupied loo was a jolly time. He then glanced around at the other three boys. The pudgy boy sitting with Black and Potter was named Pettigrew, Remus remembered that mostly due to the fact Pettigrew's Sorting had taken over _five minutes,_ the longest out of any student that night (Remus had heard some whispers down the table calling it a Hatstall). He was just glad his hadn't taken so long... The other two boys, both their surnames started with S however Remus couldn't recall them. One was white and rather mean-looking while the other was black and seemed very overwhelmed by everything.

Outside the Great Hall, all the first-years were being gathered by Prefects to be taken to their common rooms. The girl in charge of the Gryffindors began leading everyone through the castle, talking a bit about the floors as they went. Remus stayed at the back of the group, trying to keep himself unnoticable. He was dreading the common room and the dorms. Sharing sleeping quarters with other students did not sound like a very pleasant thing to him. That was going to give him the worst part of his time at Hogwarts: trying to keep his secret from the boys he'd be living with...

They wound their way up through the castle, higher and higher. Remus sleepily tried to memorize the way. Finally they ended on what he guessed was the seventh floor, going to the end of a corridor where there was a portrait of a large woman in a pink dress. The Prefect stepped forward and said, "Helios's chariot."

The portrait swung open revealing a round hole in the wall and as the students began climbing through Remus couldn’t help think, _In a hole in the ground there lived a Hobbit. In a hole in the wall there lived the Gryffindors._ He was the last one to go in and had a lot of trouble clamoring through and fell onto the ground on the other side. The Prefect helped him up and then glared as the burly Gryffindor from the train was busy picking Black up off the ground.

"Jerroll, what's the matter?" the Prefect asked.

"This little brat hit me with a firecracker on the train," he growled, shaking Black a bit. Black looked rather unphased about the whole thing, very different from when he was on the train.

The Prefect sighed. "Well, beat him up tomorrow then. I'm giving the tour. Don't disrupt it."

Jerroll dropped Black and pointed at him. "Tomorrow, _Black_." Then he stormed up a flight of stairs.

The Prefect glared at Black before casting an apprehensive look at everyone else. "I’d appreciate it if you lot keep out of trouble. In case nobody’s told you, every year the house with the most points wins the House Cup. Last year Hufflepuff won and I’d prefer it to be us this year, and if you get in trouble you’ll lose us points.” She adjusted her glasses and shook her head. “That way is the girls’ dorms, over that way is the boys’ dorms. Have a good night!"

The six first-year boys climbed up through the tower and found a door labeled **First-Years**. Potter was at the front and he pushed the door open, revealing a round dorm that looked out over part of the lake and the huge forest. Each four-poster bed had thick velvet curtains hanging down the sides, and at the foot were their trunks. Straight away, Black began complaining.

"Hey, Struthers, switch me beds," he said. _David Struthers_, Remus remembered from the Sorting. Before Struthers could do anything, though, Black began moving the trunk himself.

"Hey, let go of my trunk!" Struthers snapped but Black kept pushing until the D. Struthers trunk was where the S.B. trunk had been, and Black's trunk was now where Struthers used to be. The reason why was very clear: now Black would be in the bed next to Potter. Also next to Remus's, which made him a little anxious.

Potter and the other boy (Spinnet, Remus vaguely recalled, the mean-looking one) began stripping right there in the dorm. Trying not to panic, Remus got pajamas out of his trunk and hurried out of the dorm, feeling incredibly awkward. He hated his body and never wanted anyone to see it (and besides, they couldn't see the scar on his arm), so he went through the door with the sign **First-Year Bathrooms**. It was very big, for being just for one group of kids, and held several toilet stalls, sinks, and shower stalls. The kind with a changing area attached to the front which is where he went.

_Gryffindor_, he thought as he folded his uniform up and started pulling on his PJs. _You're a Gryffindor now. Because you're a werewolf. So if I wasn't a werewolf, would I really have been in Ravenclaw? Does that mean I'm really supposed to be a Ravenclaw? But because I'm a beast, I'm a Gryffindor...?_ The Hat had called him brave and gutsy, neither of which he felt was true. He wasn't daring or bold either. He was... pathetic, and weak, and sad, and scared. And not human. _Lion-hearted... more like wolf-hearted..._

He gathered his stuff up and crept back into the dorm, crawling into his bed. Struthers, Spinnet, and Pettigrew were all in their beds however Black and Potter were sitting up in Potter's bed talking way too cheerfully and sharing some chocolate cake one of them had taken from the Great Hall.

Remus was used to the sounds of the woods next to his house. Now he could hear multiple people breathing and one of them gently snoring, and Potter and Black _still_ talking. They were whispering however to Remus it was as if they were talking in a normal tone. They were laughing about the prank on the train they had pulled, along with other pranks it seemed they pulled. They discussed at great length about various types of fireworks and compared the different types of jokes they had bought in Diagon Alley—dung bombs and itching powder and hair coloring potions and stink pellets and frog spawn soap. They giggled and whispered and talked as the night stretched on, getting to be a terribly late hour.

"Friends forever?" Potter asked.

"Friends forever," Black agreed after a second's pause.

Remus rolled over, pulling his pillow over his head, trying to muffle them, wondering what it'd be like to have someone like that. To talk to, laugh with. Friends. He wondered what it was like to _have_ friends. He had never had friends, not real ones. His friends were in books. In fact, he hardly even knew anyone besides his parents. The only people he had ever remembered meeting in his entire life was the old woman who owned the thrift/antiques shop where his father worked (she gave him a lollipop); other than her he hadn't properly met anyone though his parents did take him to stores occasionally. No, his world was books. He wasn't even sure how to make friends, or what it meant to have them. Oh, he knew what it was like in the books but not real life.

_And you'll never know_, a voice reminded him. _You know the rules. No friends. It's not safe_.

He curled into a little ball, tightening the pillow over his ears, and finally drifted into an uneasy sleep full of foggy nightmares and distant howling. He tossed and turned for a while and eventually woke up, panting heavily, hair and pajamas sticking to his body from sweat, a few tears on his cheeks. He gave a rather loud sniffle and began rubbing his eyes, struggling with figuring out where he was.

_I want to go home, I don't belong here. I'm not like them. I'm a monster. I don't deserve to be here no matter what Dumbledore said_. Remus gave a choking sort of sob and covered his mouth so he wouldn't wake the others up.

Once he managed to calm himself he pushed his curtains back and looked out the window at the nearly full moon hanging in the sky. "I want to go home," he whispered to the light shining down on him. It was only going to be a couple days until the light became his enemy...

Sighing, he shut the curtains again and curled up, the dark embrace of sleep pulling him back in.


	4. Chapter Three - A Metal Matchstick

Multiple alarms blared in the morning, dragging five of the six boys from their sleep. When Remus slithered out of his bed he saw Black was wide awake and already in his uniform.

After a few sleepy and confused blinks, Remus realized where he was. _Hogwarts. Gryffindor. Dorm_. He got his stuff out of his trunk and ran to the bathroom to get ready for the day. A quick shower, dressed in his uniform, brush the teeth, return to the dorm to finish getting ready. He pulled on his socks and shoes not even realizing he had one orange sock and one blue sock (and the blue one was inside out). He laced up his shoes and then tackled the difficulty of getting his tie properly tied. It had turned gold and scarlet during the night, along with the accents of his uniform, but it was still far too difficult to do.

"Hey, Lupin!"

He turned around as he (sort of) finished knotting the tie (it was very crooked and awkward). Potter was looking at him as if expecting something. "Er, um, y--yeah?" Remus forced out.

Potter smiled, teeth flashing. "You remember the way to the Great Hall?" On either side of him stood Black and Pettigrew, and all three looked hopeful now.

_Oh_. "Erm... th--think so."

"Groovy!" Potter exclaimed. "We'll follow you."

So Remus had three ducklings trailing after him as he made his way through the school. He only partially remembered the route from the night before however another side effect of his curse was a heightened sense of smell, and he could more or less track the most used pathway and that guided him to the ground floor and the Great Hall. He was silent the entire time, not wanting--or daring--to talk to the three boys behind him, and he assumed they'd take different seats. However when he sat down, Black, Potter, and Pettigrew sat down around him. Remus ducked his head, trying not to look too freaked out.

"I’m glad we’ve only got a couple days of class before the weekend," stated Black as he dumped eggs and bacon in a huge pile on his plate. "I want to explore the school."

"Same here," Potter agreed. "Ooh! Mail."

Owls began swooping in through the room, dropping letters and packages to various students. Potter and Black both got letters. Black’s envelope was bright scarlet and smoking slightly at the corners. He held it up with a crinkled nose and sighed. “I suppose I better open it.”

“Probably, before it explodes,” Potter said, mouth full of food.

_Explode_?! Remus wondered then Black opened up the envelope and it almost did sound like an explosion. A woman's voice burst out, shouting in a magically enhanced volume. Remus dropped his spoon and clamped his hands over his ears, wincing in pain. Everyone in the room was watching Black, listening to the shrieks.

"SIRIUS—BLACK—HOW—DARE—YOU—BE—PLACED—IN—GRYFFINDOR! YOU HAVE BROUGHT ABSOLUTE SHAME ON THE BLACK FAMILY NAME WHICH CONSIDERING YOUR LIFE UP UNTIL NOW IS A WONDER YOU'VE MANAGED TO HUMILIATE US MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE! YOUR GRANDFATHER NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK WHEN WE GOT THE NEWS! THIS IS YET ANOTHER STEP DOWN YOUR MISGUIDED PATH! YOU BEST CHANGE COURSE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE OR YOU WILL REGRET IT! WE WILL BE WRITING TO THE HEADMASTER TO DEMAND A RESORTING AT ONCE!"

The envelope burst into flames, ash falling down onto the table. A few students laughed, especially from the Slytherin table. Black looked like he didn’t care and merely swept the ashes off the table. "About what I expected," he said and then frowned. "Er, being re-sorted isn't really a thing is it?"

Potter and Pettigrew shrugged. Remus knew the answer and debated whether to say or not, but Black looked so distressed he finally got the nerve to speak up. "N--no. Th--that's... not... a thing." Black looked exceedingly relieved and returned to his food.

"So," Potter said, pointing a piece of toast at Black. "You _are_ from that Black family."

"Unfortunately," Black sighed, shaking his head. "Right nasty bit of luck, it is. And you're one of _the_ Potters, yeah?"

"Yup," Potter replied proudly.

Remus couldn't really follow that bit of conversation. Family names, it didn't mean much to him. He may have grown up in a magical family however he was kept from so much... that sort of thing just went over his head. The Potter name he recognized, having seen it occasionally in the _Daily Prophet,_ so he supposed that's the one this Potter was from.

"How about you two?" Potter asked Remus and Pettigrew. "Both of you are from magical families, right? The names are familiar."

"Er, I'm half'n'half," Pettigrew said between bites of sausage. "Mum's a witch and Dad's Muggle."

Now they were all looking at Remus who felt bubbles of panic rising up in him. Sitting near them was one thing, talking to them... "S--same only--reverse," he managed to say. He didn't want to talk. Actually he wanted to just flee from the room as fast he could however one thing kept him grounded in his seat and that was the knowledge of needing to act as human as possible. Of course, even that had its limits and he had met his for now. "'xcuse me." He took one last bite of potatoes then grabbed his bag and left the Great Hall as fast as he could without running.

_What's wrong with me_? he wondered as he came to a stop in the entrance hall. _Is it really that difficult_? He talked to his parents just fine. Other people shouldn't be too hard...

"Wait... first-year, wait!"

Remus turned around as the Prefect who had guided them the previous night came dashing out of the Great Hall. "I nearly forgot to hand these out." She handed him a piece of paper then hesitated as a boy walked by, giving her a grin. She smiled back. "Ooh. Ah, here, could you give these to your friends? Thanks." She shoved more pieces of paper at him then took off after the boy.

Remus looked down to see his schedule. _Friends_? There were three more copies of the schedule so he reluctantly went back into the Great Hall, over to Black, Potter, and Pettigrew. "W--was asked to g-g-give you these," Remus managed to say, dropping the schedules in front of Pettigrew, and then he hurried back out of the Great Hall, this time running until he found a side corridor and a bench to collapse on. Part of the problem with talking to people who weren't his parents, he realized, was the fact he could _hear_ his parents every time a word came out. He could hear his mother's voice whispering urgently in his head, _No friends, don't get close to anyone, if you make friends they'll find out the truth. You have to stay safe. Friends are nothing but **danger**!!!_

He took a close look at the schedule. Three classes today: Transfiguration, History of Magic, and Potions. Potions was labeled with Slytherin. He checked the rest of the classes. Herbology was with Hufflepuff and Astronomy was with Ravenclaw. He supposed the rest of the classes were just fellow Gryffindors. The schedule also listed the teacher names, which seemed helpful.

_Professor McGonagall, Professor Binns, and Professor Slughorn today_, he thought, wondering what they’d be like. McGonagall seemed rather strict and stern however Transfiguration was one of the lessons he was really looking forward to. So was History. He had already read his entire history text book, so he was super excited to see what Binns would be teaching. Potions… he wasn’t so sure about that class. He didn’t like it when his father made potions around the house, all the ingredients mixing together bothered his nose.

He checked the other classes. Professor Flitwick for Charms, Professor Sprout for Herbology, Professor Spring for Astronomy, and… _Professor Dedenne_. He touched the name listed next to Defense Against the Dark Arts, wondering what she was going to be like. He knew Dumbledore had told some of the staff and assumed this particular teacher was one of them. Of course it would be, how could he not have told her? She’d probably be able to guess anyway. Remus folded up his schedule and tucked it away into his bag. He wasn’t sure exactly who all knew the truth though assumed McGonagall knew, as Deputy Headmistress (and head of his house). Perhaps she could tell him who else knew. And who he’d have to be extra careful around.

Sighing, he drew his feet up onto the bench and hugged his knees tightly. He hoped he was a good enough liar, a good enough actor. His parents had drilled it into his head for as long as he could remember to keep everything secret and hidden, to lie and pretend. He just never really had to actually do so, never being around anyone besides his parents. It seemed easy on the train giving excuses to that Jerroll guy, so he supposed lies _did_ come easily to him. Course it wasn’t just some of the staff it was also all the other students. Everybody he ever came across. If anyone ever knew, if anyone ever _guessed_…

He tried his best to put that at the back of his mind. He didn’t want to think about that right now. He wanted to focus on his first two days of classes, and then it would be Saturday and the full moon and he could deal with his emotions then (part of him felt like it was a cruel joke, the moon coming just as school started; part of him knew how much the world hated him and just accepted it as another punch).

After a while he realized it was almost time for class. He had spent almost the entire breakfast period sitting in the hall, drifting in and out of his thoughts. His stomach growled a bit but he was too frightened to go back to get food, too frightened to be around the other students… mostly those boys who were insisting on chatting to him. At lunch he’d hopefully be able to find seats away from them and their questions.

_I have no idea where I’m going_, Remus realized as he began walking down the hall. Other students were going to and fro however he didn’t think he could ask them. Finally he asked a painting where the Transfiguration class might be, and was guided back down the stairs and pointed down a corridor. He emerged outside and for a second thought it might be a joke however he saw two first-year Gryffindor girls walking along the covered section of the courtyard. Remus moved his bag higher on his shoulder and began walking at a distance.

“Oof!” He was knocked into the wall as two figures went running past; of course it was Black and Potter.

“This way!” Potter insisted, running ahead.

“I’m coming!” Black promised, chasing after his friend.

Remus started to go ahead and then was almost knocked down by Pettigrew who seemed intent on catching up with the two black-haired boys. At least Pettigrew apologized for knocking into Remus. He glared after them and started walking again, this time keeping an ear out for anyone else wanting to barrel on through but he got to the classroom safely and took a seat near the front. He wanted to sit in the back to stay out of the way of others, however he also wanted to be able to see and hear everything clearly (course he could have been out in the courtyard and probably hear everything without trouble but that was beside the point). The quench for knowledge overrode his desire to stay hidden.

Professor McGonagall stood by her desk, giving intense looks at every student coming in. “Mr. Lupin, your tie is crooked,” she said as he went past her. As she had also commented on the untidiness of three other students (including Potter who hadn’t even bother on tying his tie and looked as if he hadn't ever heard of a comb), he knew she wasn’t just calling him out. He tried to adjust his tie and made it even more crooked.

“Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will ever learn, and I expect everyone here to have a respect for that. Anyone messing about will be asked to leave.” She cast a glare towards the back where Remus could hear Black and Potter whispering. They immediately stopped and McGonagall promptly turned her desk into a small pony, earning quite a few gasps and claps. She turned it back then cleared her throat to take register before starting in on a long lecture about the importance of understanding spells _thoroughly_, their roots, their meaning, their pronunciation, linguistic discipline… She went on for quite a long while while Remus took copious amounts of notes. Finally she gave everyone a matchstick for them attempt to turn it into a needle.

Remus stared at the matchstick and took in a deep breath. He had performed magic multiple of times before on accident, and a couple times on purpose (well, accidentally on purpose, like the time he floated the cookie jar behind his mother’s back). This was going to be the first time completely and intentionally performing an actual, real spell. He cleared his throat and took in another breath. “Acus forma!” He flourished his wand in the same manner as McGonagall showed and was rather disappointed when nothing really seemed to happen.

_It’s fine just try again._ “Acus forma!” This time he sort of jabbed the matchstick with his wand. Nothing. For a second he felt confirmation that he shouldn’t be there. _What was I expecting? I’m not even human, how can I do this?_ However when he glanced around he realized nobody else had managed to do anything else. Next to him, Evans was just staring at her matchstick with rather bulgy eyes.

Then, “Mr. Black! How on earth did you—” McGonagall swept to the back of the room and everyone turned to see a fire blazing on Black’s desk.

“It _is_ a matchstick, Professor, you can’t really blame me,” Black protested as McGonagall waved her wand causing the fire to disappear. She set a new matchstick down on his desk and returned to the front of the room.

Remus bit his bottom lip and tried again, focusing as hard as he could, sweat breaking out across his forehead. Soon it became grey and rather shiny and when McGonagall examined it at the end of the class she tapped it against the desk. It still was matchstick shaped but metal now. “Excellent job, Mr. Lupin,” she said and the only other person she called out was Potter whose matchstick was still matchstick-colored but had gone very pointy and sharp. “Excellent job, Mr. Potter."

After McGonagall finished with her assessment, she assigned a length essay and dismissed class. “Mr. Lupin, would you stay behind for a moment, please."

“Oooooh someone’s in trouble!” Black sang as he and Potter passed by.

“What did you do, Lupin?” Potter asked but McGonagall shooed them away.

Remus sat at his desk, wondering what he had done. Had someone sussed it out already and gone to McGonagall? Was he going to be expelled already? Had Dumbledore seen the error of his ways? _Another cruel trick from the universe?_ He waited silently until the last student left and McGonagall closed the door. “Did… did I--break--break a rule, Professor?” he asked, voice trembling.

McGonagall gave him a smile as she sat down at her desk. “Of course not. At least, not that I know of. I wanted to ask how you’re doing, Mr. Lupin. From what I understand this is quite a change from things at home.”

“Oh. Er. Y—yes. I… I—yes.” He fumbled with his words, not sure what to say. “It’s hard t—to, er, it’s j—just the first…”

“Understandable.” She folded her hands on her desk and lowered her chin so she could look at me over her glasses. “I know you have History of Magic in a few moments so I won’t keep you. I was wondering if after Potions you could meet me at the hospital wing. We need to go over a few things. I know it is short notice and I’d rather have waited until Saturday however since Saturday is a full moon…"

Remus gulped and slid down in his seat a little bit. “Y—yes, Professor.”

“You’ll find the hospital wing on the first floor, at the end of the northeast corridor. Good luck with the rest of your classes.” Remus stood up, realizing he was being dismissed. “Oh, and Mr. Lupin?” she asked as he went to the door. He stopped and turned, waiting for whatever bad news was surely about to come. “You did very well in class today. I’m quite impressed.”

Remus left the classroom beaming.

*

History of Magic turned out to be a huge disappointment. He was nearly late and only managed to get there in time thanks to a friendly ghost, only to find another ghost inside the classroom. Professor Binns. He took roll call and fudged up almost every single name (”Remington London” which Remus took several seconds to figure out was supposed to be him). Then Binns just began drolling on without letting anyone know where in the book to go to. Remus began frantically flipping through until he caught a name mentioned, then looked it up in the index and managed to get to the correct page. He began taking notes though most of what was said was straight from the book. Still. Better safe than sorry.

Forty-five minutes later the Gryffindors stumbled out, most of them hardly even awake. Remus heard Spinnet say he had actually fallen asleep, while Black and Potter were talking about bringing a deck of cards with them next time if the class was going to be like that.

“Did you enjoy the class, Lupin?” Black asked, pausing so he could look at the smaller boy. “You seemed to be taking loads of notes.”

There was something teasing in his voice that made Remus go red. He hugged his satchel to his chest and began walking quickly down the corridor.

“What a weirdo,” he heard Potter say softly (not intending for Remus to hear), and Remus went a little faster, cheeks burning now as he wondered if he was weird. _Probably won’t be the last time you hear that_, he thought as he tried to figure out the way to the Great Hall. _You’re an outcast anyway… get used to it…_


	5. Chapter Four - Onions Don't Go Well With Wolves

Lunch was spent trying his best to look like he didn’t want any company, keeping his nose deep in a book as he ate. It seemed to work as nobody bothered him at all, not even the students that sat near him. At twelve-thirty he had finished eating and snapped the book shut, figuring he might as well head off to the next class. Another ghost led him down into the dungeons and, after thanking her, Remus sat on a bench across from the Potions classroom to wait. He pulled _Magical Drafts and Potions_ out to read some more before class started.

A few minutes later someone else came by and sat on a nearby bench. Remus glanced up, seeing a Slytherin sitting there. The Slytherin also had his book out, his very large nose practically touching the pages with as low as his head was bent. Remus returned to his own reading.

A couple minutes later he heard heavy footsteps approach. “Ah! What do we have here? Very eager students, I see.” Professor Slughorn was a very rotund man with a huge mustache. He gleefully pat his large stomach as he surveyed Remus and the Slytherin. “Well, come on in then.”

Both students followed Slughorn and Remus found himself in a dungeon room that immediately assaulted his nose with all the scents going around. He sneezed once before sitting at a table, far away from the Slytherin. The teacher talked as he bustled about, getting ready for the class, to the point of Remus debating whether he should start taking notes already or not. Soon the rest of the class started showing up and there were just enough tables and seats for everyone to share four to a table, so Remus found himself sitting precariously on the edge of his seat with Evans next to him, and two girls beside her.

“Welcome, welcome! I am Professor Slughorn, your Potions teacher. Potions are quite an immeasurably useful thing to know, can do just about anything with them providing you’ve got a good understanding of the magical properties of ingredients!” He took roll call and then clapped his hands together, rubbing them excitedly. “Before we begin our first potion… can anyone tell me what it is?” He waved his hand at a cauldron in front of him. “Ah, Mr….. Snape, was it?”

The other boy who had showed up early lowered his hand. “Cure for boils, Professor.”

“Good, good. Point to Slytherin! Get everything out and we’ll get right into it. Partner up for this one, class.”

Evans turned to Remus. “Want to be partners?” she asked._ Not really_. However, he had to have a partner so he nodded.

“Now, the cure for boils is… a rather basic, beginning potion. Nevertheless, if done incorrectly it can cause boils, or other issues, so do mind yourselves as you do your work.” He waved his wand and a piece of chalk began writing instructions on the board. “One of the number one rules for Potions is_ follow instructions explicitly_! No going off what’s written in the book, that’s how you cause problems. Now, let’s go!”

Evans peered at the instructions closely. “Shall I get the water, or do you want to?”

“I can,” Remus mumbled, getting out of his seat. He took the cauldron and went to the back of the room, standing in one of the lines at the spouts. The cauldron was rather heavy already and he wasn’t sure how he’d carry it back. It didn’t help that he was one of the smallest students in the room, certainly the smallest boy. The line shuffled forward and soon Remus added the hopefully correct amount of water. It was very heavy now and he struggled with getting it back to the table. He heard several students snickering loudly at the sight of him hardly able to carry the cauldron. He was carrying it by its handle and it kept banging into him, water sloshing, causing difficulty since it was big and he was small. He considered just setting it down and picking it up with his arms around it... but then he'd probably dent the metal if he used his full strength and he couldn't do that, so he just continued struggling along until—

Suddenly someone came up next to him and grabbed the handle, picking the cauldron up. Remus looked up in surprise, seeing Black. “Heyo,” he said, taking the cauldron over to sit in front of Evans. “If you’re in need of muscles again just…” he flexed his arms, “Let me know.” He winked at both of them and swept back to sit with Potter.

“What a twit,” Evans said as she worked on crushing the snake fangs into powder. “We’ll need the onions sliced next.” Remus froze at that then slowly got the pungeous onion out from the ingredient kit. He could already smell the onion wafting around from other tables and knew it was going to bad when he started on this one. “All right, there?” Evans asked when she noticed her partner not moving.

_No_. “Yes.” He took in a deep breath and began peeling and slicing the onion. It didn’t take long for his eyes to start watering, his nose to start itching, and the smell to be horrifyingly overwhelming. He began gagging a bit, wiping his eyes off on his sleeve. He could hardly breathe and almost felt blinded. He heard Evans say something about adding the onions and he scooped up a handful and dumped them in, knowing he was supposed to measure exactly instead of guessing but not caring. “Just… er… moment.” He turned and hurried to the back of the room to wash his hands off, trying to get rid of the smell. He felt like he might vomit. The assault on his nose was one of the worst things he ever experienced. _Just get through it._ He sucked in some fresh air then returned to the seat. The mixture was boiling away, and looked a little… yellow.

“Is it supposed to be that color?” Evans asked, flipping around in the book. “I think it’s supposed to be a bit greener.”

Remus peered into the cauldron then jerked back, covering his nose. “It looks… green_ish._”

Evans frowned but began adding the dried nettles while Remus measured out the flobberworm mucus. The potion did turn greenish after that, a little too green compared to the book. “I don’t understand what we’re doing wrong… should we ask the professor?” Evans glanced at Remus who shrugged, finding the smell to be getting worse. “Professor!” she raised her hand and Slughorn came over. “I think it’s too green.”

Slughorn squinted at the bubbling liquid. “What have you just added? The mucus? Yes, it should be a subtler shade of green. That’s an indication you’ve added too much of the mucus and I believe too much onion.”

Evans glanced at Remus who began rubbing the back of his head, a slight blush rising in his cheeks. “Is there a way to fix it?”

“An overly enthusiastic amount of either ingredient shan’t hurt it too much, just make sure the rest of the ingredients are added properly.” He waddled off to another table while Remus mumbled apologies. He hadn’t really paid as much attention when adding the mucus as he should have because he didn’t want to be too close to the potion.

_Just get through it_, he thought again as he began stewing the horned slugs in a smaller cauldron to the side. The rest of the potion making went a little better, though that was probably because Remus let Evans add most the ingredients while he just prepared them as well as stirred. Using their partnership like that seemed to work well and Remus actually felt glad Slughorn had made them pair up. If he had done this on his own, it would have ended _really_ bad.

At the end of class Slughorn wandered around and examined each potion, doling out grades and even awarding two Slytherins with five points each for making ‘the most perfect brew of this potion I’ve ever seen from a first-year’ according to the teacher (one of them, Snape, looked as smug as Remus had been after Transfiguration). When Slughorn got to Remus and Evans he gave a frown and gave them decent grades, certainly not great. He assigned an essay for everyone to finish by next Thursday, and dismissed class.

“I—I didn’t mean to—to—” Remus tried to speak, tried to apologize as he and Evans left class.

“It’s all right,” she promised, giving him a pleasant smile. “At least it wasn’t as bad as Nettle and Struthers… I admit, I rather enjoyed the class. It’s a lot like baking. My sister and I used to bake all the—ouch!” she yelped, being knocked into Remus as Potter and Black went running by, laughing. “Goodness, do they have to run _everywhere_?” Remus pulled his bag up over his shoulder and turned to go. “Wait! Do you want to come to the library with me? I guess I should say find the library. I heard it’s massive so it shouldn’t be too difficult.” She looked at him with rather anxious eyes.

Remus bit his lip. He wanted to go to the library, knowing it’d be the location he’d be spending most his time in during school, except... one, he had a meeting to attend, and two… _Can’t make friends._ “S—sorry, can’t. I, er, have to—to—the hospital wing,” he stammered out.

“Oh! Are you okay?”

_Shoot._ “Erm, y—yes. Sort of. Er. S—sorry.” He turned and fled out of the dungeons as fast as he could, going almost as fast as Potter and Black had been going though he at least had the presence of mind to make sure he wasn’t crashing into anyone. However as he dashed up a flight of stairs he tripped over his own feet and fell down, banging his chin. There were several students who saw him do this and began snickering. Only one of them approached Remus to make sure he was all right, and Remus muttered incoherently before brushing past the older student and continuing on his search for the hospital wing. He clutched his bleeding chin until he felt it heal up, then he did the best he could to wipe the blood away. There was still quite a bit on his face and plenty on his vest by the time he got to the wing.

There were great big double doors and he wasn’t sure whether to knock or just go in, but as he waited the doors opened and two older students came through (one of them glancing at the blood all over Remus). He ducked his head and went through the door. McGonagall was waiting along with a young, plump woman; they both turned as the first-year came towards them.

“Hello, Mr. Lupin,” McGonagall said, straightening up. “I’d like you to meet Madame Pomfrey. I think, perhaps, it would be wise to go to your office for this discussion?”

Pomfrey led the way into a side room full of healing books and some rather squashy armchairs. Pomfrey took a seat while Remus plucked at the bottom of his vest and then jumped when McGonagall pulled her wand out. “It’s all right, I’m just going to clean your clothes up.” She waved her wand and the blood disappeared out of his vest as well as the sleeve of his robe. Pomfrey handed Remus a damp towel to clean up the blood from his face. “What happened?”

“J—just—tripped,” he managed to say.

McGonagall sat down and indicated the other chair so finally he sat down, though remained on the edge of the seat, scared of what was going to be said._ It shouldn’t be too bad, they’re letting me come here so it should be fine._

“I thought we might discuss what to expect during the full moons, and if you have any questions of course…” She folded her hands in her lap and gazed at Remus over her glasses, much like she had earlier in the day. “I presume you either have a lunascope or subscribe to moon charts?”

He looked down at his trembling hands. “M—moon charts, ma’am. I d—do them myself.”

McGonagall raised her eyebrows. “That won’t taught until the end of your fourth-year.”

“My p—parents learned and—and th—they taught me ages ago.” He didn’t want to sound like he was bragging but finding out his fellow students wouldn’t be starting that until they were fourteen made him feel incredibly pleased, and he’d been able to do them since he was—

"How long have you been doing them?”

He managed to look up into her face. “S—since I w-was six. F—five years.” Then the pride seized hold of him. “I h—haven’t ma—made any mistakes s—since I was seven.”

She and Pomfrey both looked very impressed and Remus bowed his head again so he could smile a little bit. “So the next full moon and the entire phase that will be affecting you…?” McGonagall asked.

“S—Saturday night, Sunday night, and—and Monday night.” He wished he knew how the full moon affected him like it did. Nobody really knew or understood the entire reasoning behind it. Technically there was only one point, one single point in the entire month, of the moon being properly full however that wasn’t the only factor. If it was, he’d turn at that moment regardless of it being night or day. No. It had to do with something else, as well as it being night. If he could see the moon in the sky during the day it didn’t do anything to him (thankfully). He just wished he knew what. Or why it was more than one night… if it was only one night, oh that’d be so much better. Instead it was usually three nights, occasionally two, occasionally four.

“And the one in October?” McGonagall asked.

“The th—third, the f-f-fourth, and—and the fifth,” he managed to say, though really he didn’t need a moon chart to know which days would drag him into the depths of hell. Pretty much at any given time he knew exactly which phase the moon was in. No… that wasn’t quite right. The wolf knew. And if the wolf knew, he knew. “No—November f—first, second, and—and third.” He opened his mouth to keep going until McGonagall held a hand up.

“Very good, Mr. Lupin. And very accurate. Now, on the first day of the phase you’ll need to come here to the hospital wing so Madame Pomfrey can take you to your location. Please be here at least two hours before sunset, in case of any holdups. Whatever you say to your friends and fellow students we will back you up. If you wish to say you are ill, Madame Pomfrey will concur to that story. Now, on the days you’ll be missing your exams you’ll be allowed to take your exams at a later date. This includes all end-of-term exams, and end-of-year exams… and eventually the O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts. For those the Ministry sends examiners to oversee these tests so it may be a bit more difficult to arrange, but rest assured Albus and I will do everything in our power to make sure you’ll be able to do any and all exams.”

Remus felt a little dizzy at all of this, especially the casual way McGonagall talked about him being at the school in five to seven years time. _She expects me to stay_, he realized._ She and Dumbledore both. They—they have faith that I’ll still be here, that nobody will find out…!_ That thought made him feel warm and quite happy.

“On the day of the first phase of the moon you may, of course, attend any class up until the two hour pre-sunset mark, however you may also be excused if that is what you wish. On the day you return to the school if you feel up to it, you may come to classes. I understand, though, that those days are usually… tiring… So it will be entirely up to you. In addition, you may stay either here or your dorm, whichever you feel most comfortable doing.

“Any questions?”

A million questions swarmed his mind and it felt like a swamp trying to get through them all. Some of them seemed too stupid to bring up, others were just plain silly. “Wh—who all on th—the staff knows?”

“The Heads of Houses so Professors Sprout, Flitwick, and Slughorn, and also Professor Dedenne who teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts.”

It felt bizarre to Remus that so many people knew his secret now. It was a side effect of the whole going-to-Hogwarts he hadn’t expected, and it frightened him to the core. Including Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Pomfrey that meant seven people knew. Seven people who weren’t his parents. Seven people who could betray him. _Six_, he thought, trusting Dumbledore completely. Then, _Five._

He trusted McGonagall too.

“Where—will—will I be—be going?”

McGonagall shifted in her seat. “Albus has arranged everything. There has been an addition to the grounds, a tunnel that will take you into a house that has been built for you.” Remus stared in disbelief. _An entire house?_ he marveled. _Not just a tiny room somewhere? They could have just given me the tunnel… They built me an entire house?_ “It is completely a house, and has many heavy protection spells on it. Nobody can get in except through the secret tunnel, and Albus has added a few extra spells that activate when the full moon rises. For instance, the door that goes into the house is more or less immovable once the moon rises. Not even your…” She pressed her lips thin. “Not even your altered form will be able to get through.”

Now for his biggest question. “Wh—what—what do—do—what do—” The words refused to leave his mouth, feeling heavy on his tongue. He squirmed in his seat and tried again. “What—do—I—do—” It still wouldn’t come out, and now both witches were giving him strange frowns. _They probably think I’m crazy_. He felt a touch crazy, and also like he might cry with how everything seemed to be going, with how hard it was to say a few simple words, with how they were looking at him. He took in a deep breath, curled his hands into fists and felt his stubby fingernails digging into his palms. “What… do… I… do… if… s—someone—if--guesses--if someone--”

“If someone finds out?” McGonagall asked gently. Remus nodded, biting his tongue now to stop the tears. “I suppose it all depends on who finds out and how they react. If they are someone we can… arrange things with so they don’t tell…”

That hit him like a brick._ Who wouldn’t tell? Besides the staff, I mean. The entire world hates creatures like me. If they don’t go running to the Ministry it probably means they just want to kill me themselves_. “What if—they—w—want to—Ministry?”

“We shall deal with that if it happens,” McGonagall said, sternly now.

Remus didn’t need her to go on. He knew what would happen. The Ministry would find out and then there’d be four results. 1. He escaped with his parents to a different country. 2. The Ministry caught them before they escaped, put him on the registry, and let him stay with his parents. 3. The Ministry caught them, put him on the registry, and sent him to one of the ‘reservations’ they had made for werewolves.

Remus clenched his fists even tighter as the fourth result popped into his head, and the most likely.

Four, he thought miserably. _The Ministry catches us… and takes me in for execution._


	6. Chapter Five - Vinegar And Paint

_I survived my first day of classes,_ Remus thought as he wandered rather aimlessly through the hallways. _Barely_, he added rather sheepishly, remembering the painful struggle in Potions. _I should go find the library… except Evans might still be there and I don’t want to… make her think I’m joining her… Besides_, he added as he came to a stop. _I have no idea where I am_. He hadn’t been paying much attention after leaving the hospital wing and now he was… where? He vaguely remembered going up a flight of stairs…?

He pressed on, figuring eventually he’d find his way. He went down a corridor, up a flight of stairs, down a different flight of stairs, and then sensed someone was following him. He kept going, ears and nose almost twitching as he kept track of whoever was behind him. It wasn’t human, that much he knew. Then suddenly there was a loud crack and a tiny little man floated in front of Remus, dressed in what seemed to be a jester’s outfit.

“Who’s this then?” the little man cackled. “Little lost firstie?” He had an arm full of water balloons. “Need directions?”

“Th—that’d be—yes—please,” Remus got out.

The little man hung upside down, grinning wider. “Aw, the ickle firstie even said please! Well, if you’re going to beg…!” With that he threw one of the water balloons. It smashed into Remus’s face and split open, drenching him in something that was not at all water but vinegar. The little man began shrieking with laughter, throwing more balloons as Remus began running. “Tiny firstie! Tiny firstie!” he sang as he chased Remus. “Are you even eleven? Baby! Baby!”

Remus skidded around a corner and somehow managed to come to a complete stop right at the very edge of the top of a flight of stairs... that is, until another vinegar balloon hit the back of his head and he tumbled forward. He crashed down the stairs painfully while the creature hovered at the top, looking a little anxious. Once Remus stirred and sat up the little man, relieved he hadn’t just accidentally murdered a student, disappeared with a loud crack.

Remus adjusted himself so he was sitting on the bottom step, making sure he didn’t have any serious injuries. There were some smears of blood from scratches already healing, and fading bruises. Worst of all, though, was the powerful smell of vinegar that made him want to throw up. _Will I never escape disgusting smells_? He checked his school bag which had very good water-proofing spells on it. The outside smelled awful but the inside (and his things) had been spared. _Ugh, what a wicked being_! He got up and walked until he found a main corridor. From there he made his way to the Gryffindor tower. He tripped up climbing through the hole and, ignoring the snickers, marched up the boys' tower.

The door to the first-years dorm was slightly ajar and he could hear giggling inside. Not thinking anything of it he pushed the door open and was rewarded with something liquidy hitting him. He jerked to a stop, giving a loud gasp as green paint poured down onto his head from a bucket that had been suspended above the door. Potter and Black were on the floor, rolling back and forth as they laughed. Remus blinked through the paint, breathing heavily, the stench of vinegar and paint mixing together. He took a step back, wondering what he had done to deserve this.

"Oh, oh!" Black sat up straight, the smile disappearing. "It's Lupin."

They didn't know, so it wasn't because of _that_. It was some other reason. Something else that made them want to dump paint on him. He stared down at his dripping and shaking hands. Before he could stop it, a sort of sobby gasp burst out of his mouth.

Potter got onto his knees, grimacing. "Lupin, that--"

He turned and ran down the corridor a bit, pushing into the bathroom, nearly knocking into Spinnet. He ignored Spinnet's exclamations and just ran into a bathroom stall, slamming the door shut and locking it. He sat on the loo and covered his face, trying to stifle the sobs. First that _thing_ and the _vinegar_ and now _this_. The bathroom door opened and shut as Spinnet left, then opened and shut as Black and Potter came in.

"Oi! Lupin!" Potter called out.

Remus pulled his feet up off the floor and pressed his green hands harder over his face so they couldn't hear him.

The two sets of shoes walked right to the stall he was in. Black's shoes were shiny black loafers, very fancy looking. Potter's were trainers that looked expensive and new.

"We know you're in there," Black said, knocking on the stall door. "You left a trail."

"Lupin, mate, we didn't mean for that to go on you," Potter said. "We thought Spinnet was coming up the stairs, it was meant for him."

Remus wiped his face and then withdrew himself more on the toilet. _Go away, just go away_! He didn't want to talk, didn't dare speak.

"Hey, give me a hand," Potter said. One of his feet disappeared, followed by the other, and Black grunted loudly. "Hey, Lupin," from above. Remus looked up and saw Potter peering above the door. "Honest, we had no idea you were on your way too." Remus let his feet drop to the floor as he just stared up at Potter, not knowing what to say, knowing tears were streaking stupidly down his face. Potter drew himself up a bit more, leaning now. "We're sorry, little dude, it was one hundred percent supposed to be Spinnet, and--ooofa! What's that smell?!"

"V... vinegar..."

"Why'd you dump vinegar on yourself?" Potter asked curiously.

Remus began scowling. "I _didn't_!" he said, frustrated. "Someone _else_ thought it'd be funny to pour stuff on me, if you _must_ know!" With that he unlocked the door and pushed it open. It swung and hit Black who went off balance from trying to hold Potter up, and the two of them went crashing into the floor as Remus ran out of the bathroom and back to the dorm. Spinnet wasn't there and a large, drying puddle of green paint was spreading from the door. The bucket still dangled from a thick cord. Remus stepped gingerly over the puddle and, making sure he wasn't still trailing, dropped to the floor next to his bed and slithered underneath. He stayed there as Potter and Black came back into the dorm, discussing where he might have gone. Not seeing him, they left the dorm again.

Remus waited a good five minutes before emerging from under his bed. _It might have been meant for someone else but_... He got some clean pajamas and went back to the bathroom for a shower. It took a while and a lot of hot water to scrub off all the paint and stench and by the time he finished he was pink all over. He dried off, threw his pajamas on, and tiptoed back to the dorm. He couldn't hear anyone inside. He went in and went over to his bed, intending to hide there for the rest of the night. _They'd just find me and try to talk to me again_. He grabbed a pillow and blanket, his school bag, shut his bed curtains, and went back under his bed. He made a little nest for himself and settled there to read. The skirt from the bed was low enough that nobody could see him unless they intentionally looked.

"...find him anywhere. I thought for sure he'd be in the library."

The door opened and in trooped the two paint criminals. Remus lowered his book and watched their shoes pacing around. Potter approached Remus's bed and opened the curtains. "Not here either. Where did he _go_?"

"Are you sure he was crying?" Black asked.

"Yeah," Potter sighed and Remus glared. "It's almost time for supper, he's probably at the Great Hall now. We can apologize there."

"Did someone actually dump vinegar on him?"

"That's what he _said_..."

The two of them left the dorm again and Remus out a relieved sigh before returning to his book. _Supper time_, he thought, and he was quite hungry but he wasn't going to leave the safety of his hiding place for anything. He had some candy in his trunk which could help fight off the hunger pains except he didn't want those two coming back in while he was in plain sight.

_Transfiguration went well, History was boring, Potions was awful..._ Remus began sucking at the end of his quill as he thought about his day. _I fell on the stairs and busted my chin, and fell down an entire flight of stairs. I got covered in vinegar _and_ paint. All in all... not a very auspicious start to my time at Hogwarts_.

*

Remus stayed under his bed all evening. The others boys came in and Potter and Black seemed to _still_ be looking for him, and they talked about him as the night grew longer. They seemed to be worried he hadn't returned to the dorm once curfew hit and they discussed finding a Prefect.

"It's the first _day_ and you've run your dorm-mate off, brilliant," Spinnet said. "What did you even do?"

"Nothing!" Black and Potter chorused.

Spinnet scoffed. "Yeah, sure, I don't really believe that."

"Maybe he got lost in the castle," Struthers suggested. "This whole place seems really dangerous. I mean, staircases _move_ and corridors disappear, what kind of design for a school _is_ this?"

"I think we should find a Prefect," Black said.

"I don't want to get him in trouble," replied Potter.

Eventually they decided to just let things play out. Remus went back to reading until it was too dark and everyone else went to bed. Potter and Black stayed up the latest, whispering about Remus being missing, until finally they, too, went to sleep. Remus shut his book and ten minutes after he sensed everyone was _definitely_ asleep he crept out and went to the bathroom to relieve the pressure on his bladder. He returned to the dorm and considered sleeping in his bed but ultimately went back under the bed since he felt safer there.

He caught a glimpse of the moon through the window. _Almost full_, he thought as he curled up in his little nest. _Tonight... and tomorrow... and then... _He shuddered a bit and finally fell asleep.

*

Friday morning Remus woke up rather early due to minor nightmares waking him up every so often. He felt very stiff and more than uncomfortable from sleeping on the stone floor. He stretched his body out and rolled out from under his bed, assuming everyone else was still asleep since it was only six-thirty.

"So that's where you were." Remus jumped and spun around, seeing Black standing in front of one of the full-length mirrors, tying a beautiful knot in his tie. He was looking at Remus in the reflection, waiting for some sort of response and when it didn't come he added, "We were very worried."

Remus looked down and went to his trunk to get a new uniform out. His paint and vinegar one had been shoved down into a laundry bin which was now empty. He knew everyone else had properly unpacked already and he was the only one who hadn't but he felt a little awkward sharing clothes space with Black. There were three huge wardrobes in the room. One between Pettigrew and Potter's beds for them, one between Black and Remus's beds, and one between Struthers and Spinnet. Remus knew that the section of wardrobe to hang clothes in was completely full with no room whatsoever for his things. Considering that the wardrobe was magicked to extend inside, that was quite the feat for Black to accomplish.

"We didn't mean to, yesterday," Black said as Remus started to silently leave the room. "It was--"

"I kn--know," Remus muttered.

Black finally turned around, grey eyes wide. "Why were you hiding, then?"

Remus clutched his clothes and bathroom bag tightly against his chest, no idea how to respond. _Because my day absolutely sucked, because I don't know how to deal with people. I don't know how to deal with _this_. Because this whole situation is so much scarier than I ever imagined, so much more overwhelming. Because it makes me feel better. Because you're a human, you're all humans, and I'm not. Because I don't belong here_. All he managed to do was shrug, and then leave the room without saying anything.

*

Remus hid out near the Great Hall and waited until he saw Black and Potter go in before going in as well. He figured if he was in there first they'd sit with him, and sure enough when he went to the Gryffindor table he could see the two of them waving at him. He sat down at the very end, by himself. Pettigrew ran over to join them though, beaming.

"I'm so excited for today's classes!" Remus dropped his fork as Evans sat down across from him. "Especially Herbology. I love plants so much! My whole family does, at least my parents do. Hence the name." He looked at his plate, remembering the Sorting. _Lily_. "My parents are really interested in this class, they had me read out of our book almost every night. Did you know there's a magical flower that's opposite the sunflower? Its petals are white and it follows the moon. And there's a flower that changes color depending on what the weather's going to be like... Oh! You probably know all about these though."

"I d--don't mind," Remus mumbled. _She's Muggleborn_, he realized, or at least guessed. Either that or her family kept her from a lot of things too.

"Charms is very exciting too. And Defense Against the Dark Arts." Evans gave a rather embarrassed laugh. "I suppose I'm excited for everything which is probably silly."

"Not--not silly," he said, finally looking back up at her. "I'm--I'm too." The words weren't quite right but the meaning came across. Evans smiled, and began chatting again, not really seeming to expect an answer from the small boy across from her. He didn't interrupt her and nodded to whatever she said until he finished eating. They still had a good twenty-five minutes before class started but he excused himself and left the Great Hall anyway, finding a ghost to take him to the Charms classroom. He sat across from the door and buried his nose into _The Standard Book Of Spells (Grade One)_. Like all his other text books he had already read through it. At about ten till the door unlocked and he trooped in along with a couple other students and took a seat near the front of the room, opening his book once more as well as setting out quill, ink, and parchment.

Professor Flitwick was a tiny man who vaguely gave off the scent of goblins. He cheerfully introduced himself, gave a small speech reminiscent McGonagall's speech about importance of spells. He talked a great deal about the Latin language and making sure pronunciations are done clearly, then began teaching about the most simple and basic of spells a wizard could learn: the light spell. He swished his wand and a light appeared at the end.

"Can anyone tell me anything about the word used for the spell?" Flitwick asked and Remus raised his hand, the only one to do so. "Mr. Lupin?"

Everyone was looking at him and Remus felt awkward. He swallowed, his tongue feeling like it had swollen to the size of a cow's tongue or something. "Th--the word lumos is... derived... from... one of the--the Latin words f--for light. L--lumen. Wh--which means 'the light'..." He hadn't been confident to start with however as he spoke he began faltering more, sweat prickling in his armpits, not sure if that's what Flitwick meant and when the teacher stared at him for a brief second Remus nearly threw up. _It was the wrong answer, I'm such an idiot_...!

"Very good, Mr. Lupin! Bravo! A point to Gryffindor. Yes, lumos has its origins in the word _lumen_ which also gives us the term _luminescent_..." Flitwick continued talking while Remus took notes, trying not to grin. Then Flitwick began talking about the counter-spell and asked if anyone knew what the word meant. Remus put his hand up again, and so did Black. Flitwick called on the latter.

"Latin term," Black said with a cocky grin.

"And what does it mean?" Flitwick asked.

Now his grin faded a little. "Er, 'the dark'?"

Flitwick sighed and turned to Remus expectantly. "It means 'night'," Remus answered.

"And _do_ you happen to know the word for 'dark'?"

Remus ducked down, blushing. "T--tenebris."

"Very good. And do you know why that isn't the spell to extinguish the light spell?" Flitwick asked and Remus began squirming in his seat, liking answering questions just not liking the attention. Flitwick nodded. "It's not something I imagine a first-year would--"

"Be--because magic isn't always st--straightforward like--like that," Remus interrupted and Flitwick lowered his hand, staring at Remus. "One of--of--of the--the problems with spells is it's n-n-not exactly this word is a d--direct translation of that word. That's why it's 'lum_os_' and not 'lum_en_'." He sat up a bit straighter, not even realizing his nervous stammer faded away. "That's why we can't just point our wand at something and say 'you're a toad now' and expect it to work. Why pronunciation is so important, since the etymology is just as important as the intention. Though intention is very important as well, and behind a lot of underage magic--when we accidentally do something before we can properly channel our magic although that is very dangerous, and very unreliable. It's also why new spells are always being discovered as people test out variations of words and terms that might not have been done before even though the result of the spell is something someone might have been trying to achieve before. A lot of magic is more about the manipulation of a word's_ meaning_\--a sort of magical interpretation, if you will--and how it translates_ into_ magic."

The entire classroom was silent and turned to look at Flitwick who gave a squeak and fell off the pile of books he was using to stand on. "Ten points to Gryffindor, Mr. Lupin," he said then climbed back up onto the books. "I suggest everyone take note of what Mr. Lupin just explained, and then we shall begin practicing the light spell."


	7. Chapter Six - Liability?

As soon as Flitwick dismissed his class, Remus tried to get out of there as quickly as possible. All through class his classmates kept giving him looks and it made him feel sick. He had even heard Potter whisper to Black 'so he _can_ talk'. He knew he had made a mistake giving that mini-speech even though it _was_ right and he had earned ten points--no, eleven points total for Gryffindor.

Someone called his name but Remus just ran as fast as he could through the school until he found a ghost that could take him to Herbology. They went outside where there were several greenhouses and Remus thanked the ghost before sitting on a rock, opening his book and sticking his nose into it before anyone else could show up. When they did, several of them tried to talk to him but he just pretended like he couldn't hear them, not moving at all except to flip pages, until the teacher came out and called the students into one of the greenhouses. Remus shut his book and went into the greenhouse, ignoring everyone else, glad the scents weren't too bad in this greenhouse.

The tables were set up like the ones in the Potions dungeon, four to a table. Black and Potter joined Remus at his, and Pettigrew took the fourth spot. Remus just sat stock still, pretending like he hadn't noticed. Pretending like he didn't notice Black trying to get his attention until Black out right poked Remus in the ribs. Remus yelped and jumped, falling off the stool.

"Whoops," Black said, offering a hand to help him up. Remus scrambled to his feet on his own and, blushing, returned to his stool. "Is it just talking to people that gives you trouble?"

Remus stared at Black in slight horror. For a second he thought the other boy meant, _Is it because you're not a person that you find talking to people hard?_ Then he realized that wasn't at all what Black meant. Remus was spared from answering by Professor Sprout introducing herself and giving a very practical and short speech about plants and what they'd expect to learn in the class. They got right into learning about some very basic plants which were commonly used in various potions. They got their hands dirty learning about how to take some of the plants out of their pots (or the ground) with their roots intact. Sprout buzzed around the greenhouse, talking about various magical properties of the plants they had in front of them, and asking questions. Remus kept his hand down, not daring to risk having everyone stare at him again except Black and Potter did keep looking at him whenever Sprout asked a question so after about fifteen minutes Remus gave up and raised his hand, answering five different questions in the remaining time and earning five more points for their house.

The points didn't really matter as a total of five points were also removed from Gryffindor. From Potter when he took some of the fertilizer sitting by their table and rolling it into a ball and throwing it across the room at some of the girls, and from Black who began chasing Pettigrew around with a watering can and wound up knocking over an entire table.

"Wanna sit with us for lunch?" Potter asked as they left the greenhouse.

"Er--c--can't."

"How come?" Black asked.

Remus's face went a bit blank as he tried to figure out a lie and after a total of two seconds of silence, Potter linked his arm with Remus's and began pulling him towards the castle. At first Remus was so confused he didn't quite understand and then he realized Potter was touching him. Physical proximity was something that he wanted to do his best to avoid and here he was with his arm being _held_ and him being _dragged_. He fought against the panic bubbling up inside of him and resisted the urge to push Potter away. When they went through the doors back into the castle, Potter let go and Remus kept walking with them, going a little bit slower than them, then even more slowly until they were a fair ways ahead, and then he ducked into a side corridor and ran down to find _another_ side corridor which he hid in for a good fifteen minutes. The only reason he left was because two older students started snogging rather passionately in a nearby broom cupboard and he didn't want to hear their moans.

_Ew_. He went to the Great Hall and saw Potter, Black, and Pettigrew far down nearly at the other end. He was able to tiptoe in, grab a few sandwiches, and tiptoe out without being seen. He went outside to sit under a tree and eat the sandwiches while he read. _You can't avoid them forever_, a small voice drifted into his head. _You'll be living with them for seven years_.

_Maybe so_, he reasoned, _but they'll grow bored of trying to talk to me sooner or later. They'll move on. I'll be left alone. Like I deserve to be_. He set his book down and stared up at the cloudy sky. _Tomorrow_. His stomach twisted and a few tears came to his eyes.

He had been kept away from a lot of things but he knew perfectly well how the world viewed werewolves. They were hated, despised, shunned, feared. Treated like animals and not humans, even while in their human form. Remus was in _Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. _A monster, a creature. Anytime a werewolf was killed and mentioned in the _Daily Prophet_ Remus would cut out the article and reread it over and over until each word was burned into his mind. He knew there were werewolf hunters out there in addition to the sanctioned Ministry department (Werewolf Capture Unit). He knew there were a lot of myths about werewolves, and lies, and rumors and just so much stuff that not even he knew what was real and what wasn't, and he was one of them!

He knew Dumbledore could get in trouble--possibly removed from his position--if anyone found out he had let a werewolf come to the school. Remus probably made his future a lot riskier just by coming _to_ the school. Instead of being locked away at home he was roaming free around other students. This probably meant he'd be more likely to be executed if the Ministry found out. Remus knew he didn't deserve to be at the school getting an education like he was just like anyone else, like he was _human_.

He wasn't human at all.

Fighting off a few more tears, Remus buried himself back into the book.

*

All the students were looking forward to Defense Against the Dark Arts so when they went into the classroom, they were already quite excited. Remus was the only one with trepidation. After spending most his lunchtime dwelling on the fact he was a monster, this could easily become a huge mess depending on what the teacher talked about.

Professor Dedenne was a squat, roundish witch with flyaway orange hair. When she came in she flicked her wand and a piece of chalk began drawing on the board. "Good afternoon, class. I am Professor Dedenne, and will be guiding you along the pathway of offense and defense. There are many creatures in this world that will kill you, or worse. Unfortunately, there are also many witches and wizards who would do the same. Can anyone tell me what this is?"

Remus actually did not raise his hand since he wasn't sure. Only one student did. "Professor, that's the yin and yang symbol," Evans said when Dedenne pointed at her.

"Correct. Can you tell me what this symbol means?"

"Er, I _think_ it's to do with good versus evil...?" Evans said, not so sure.

"Yes, in a sense. Good and evil. Old and young. Man and woman. Contradictory opposites." The chalk began writing this down and then added another one. "Light and dark," Dedenne said. "Most witches and wizards view magic as either being one or the other however _this_ is an incorrect statement. Anyone know why?"

Remus had a suspicion but wasn't sure, and didn't want to be wrong so he kept his hand down. Dedenne gave a heavy sigh. "Magic is not white or black, it is very grey. What makes a spell light or dark is usually dependent on the intent behind it. Although there are a few spells that _are_ purely dark as the intent is _always_ dark." The chalk began writing again. "Unforgivable curses, which we will be learning more about down the road. As in, a different year. This is your first year so I will be focusing mainly on teaching you about various creatures, as well as a few simple defensive spells. _Maybe_ a few offensive, if you prove worthy.

"For the first part of today's class we will start off with learning about the differences between imps and pixies..."

Despite mentioning spells, Dedenne's class turned out to be mostly a lecture and her drawing pictures on the chalkboard and having everyone copy the drawings and label the different parts of the body. Remus wasn't very good at drawing and his imp looked more like a potato on an elongated body. She also talked a _lot_ about yin and yang and Remus took loads of notes about that since it wasn't in the book at all. At the end of class she assigned a long essay on imps versus pixies and dismissed class.

"Mr. Lupin, a word?" she said as everyone gathered their things.

_Not again_. He stayed in his seat, ignoring the looks Potter and Black were giving him. They both lingered a bit and were the last to leave, almost forced out by Dedenne waving her wand and shutting the door in their faces. She put a silencing spell on the door and then faced Remus. He trembled a bit, no idea what to expect.

"I initially took this post before Dumbledore found out about you," she said in a slow manner. "When he informed me that a werewolf might be attending classes I was... more than a little shocked, I'm sure you can imagine." She began wiping the chalkboard off, her back to him. Remus watched her orange hair bouncing everywhere. "I've read plenty of books and know what the Ministry says, however I have no personal experience with your... kind." She turned back around, the rag cleaning the board off by itself. "Some people say werewolves have no humanity, even outside the full moon." She watched Remus carefully as he remained seated, still trembling. "Now, I can't say whether that's true or not. What I _can_ say that I find it incredibly dangerous for you to be here. I expect you to be very careful. I don't know what sort of home you were raised in, but you _must_ be careful here."

"Y--yes, Professor," Remus said. _I know that. You think I don't know that?_ He bit back a rather rude comment that he wanted to say.

"If at any time I think you're a liability, I will go to Professor Dumbledore."

He bowed his head, tears threatening to spill over. "Yes, Professor," he whispered, so softly she could barely hear it.

"If you have any trouble keeping up with the class, you need to do what you can to make up the work and if you fail I won't give you a second chance."

That stabbed him even more than the liability comment. _Excuse me? Trouble keeping up?! _"Yes, Professor," he forced out through slightly clenched teeth. _She thinks I'm stupid_!

"If you need anything, you're more than welcome to come to my office."

_Like I'm going to come see you about anything for calling me stupid_! he thought furiously. "Thank you, Professor," he said, anger helping keep his words steady.

"That is a dismissal."

He got up, picking up his bag and leaving the classroom. _She thinks I'm stupid. She--she thinks..._ He took a few steps and then the rage flooded out of his body, leaving sadness. _She thinks I'm a liability. Which I am. __Of course it's better for her to see me this way than flat out viewing me as a dangerous beast that needs to be put down._ He kept his head down, tears dripping down his cheeks. _Cool so day one I cried, day two I cried. Yes, very nice_.

He was so preoccupied he didn't even notice Potter and Black hanging around the end of the corridor and nearly ran into them. Potter started to say something but the words died the second he saw Remus was crying. Again.Black asked if he was okay but Remus just pushed past them and ran down the corridor, not having the energy to deal with them. He nearly smacked into Pettigrew who was hovering nearby and Pettigrew gave a squeak, not expecting it to be Remus to be running past. Remus kept going until he found a dark, quiet corridor that he could jam himself into a corner and cry in.

*

_Dear Mum and Dad 3/9/71_

_It's Friday afternoon and I'm finished with my first set of classes, I've had every one except for Astronomy which I won't have until Wednesday night. I am so happy here! The classes are amazing! Transfiguration is really interesting and needs a lot of focus but I was only one of two students who managed to do anything substantial to their matchstick. History of Magic is... maybe it will get better. The teacher seems really boring and drones on and on. I'm hoping that will change but I kind of have the feeling it won't. Potions is really difficult because the ingredients smell really strong. I really love Charms! We've started with the lumos spell and I managed to get the end of my wand to glow a little bit. Only a little bit but it was better than anyone else in class. Herbology is a lot of fun too but I'm worried sometimes it won't be good because of strong plant scents. Finally Defense Against the Dark Arts which was just a big lecture about imps and pixies. I've included the drawing I made of an imp. Doesn't it look more like a garden gnome? Part of my homework assignment is drawing it again so hopefully when I try again it doesn't look so dreadful._

_Tomorrow night is the full moon. I'm pretty nervous about it but according to McGonagall I have a whole house to be in. I haven't seen it yet. But Dumbledore's put loads of spells to keep me contained so it will be fine._

_I've been really good about avoiding other students. I have five dorm-mates. I wish one more student had been put in Gryffindor cause then we could have been divided up four and three, and I could only have two dorm-mates. That would be loads better. Oh well no use whining about it._

_Since I've never been around other people my age it's a little uncomfortable. I've always known I was different except now I can really see how different I am. I feel really weird compared to them all. It's like I know I am but it's hard seeing it. Does that make sense? Don't worry though I am very happy here. The classes are wonderful and I'm just so excited to be learning. Thank you for letting me come._

_Love,_

_Remus_

*

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington gladly showed Remus the way to the owlery and they chatted the entire way there, Remus asking him about what things were like when he had been alive. He asked about the nickname and Sir Nicholas said he didn't like it at all, so Remus made sure to call him Sir Nicholas which greatly pleased the ghost.

In the owlery, Remus was greeted with angry squawks and frightened hoots. He carefully made his way to where Arthur was perched and tied the letter to his leg. "Hey Arthur, can you please take this back home?" He stroked Arthur's chest and bent in so Arthur could nibble at his nose. Most animals hated Remus so he was very glad the family owl didn't despise his company. "At least I have you, right?" He smiled as Arthur nuzzled his hand. Remus gently kissed Arthur's head and carried him to the window, watching him fly off. Once the owl became nothing more than a speck Remus turned and left the tower, wishing Sir Nicholas had stayed behind because it was nice having someone to talk to and ghosts were a million times easier to talk to than the living.

He still had over an hour before supper so he decided to finally find the library. He got lost a couple times thanks to some paintings purposely pointing him the wrong way, and one staircase moving while he was on it, until finally an elderly witch painting got him in the right direction.

As soon as he stepped into the library his jaw dropped and he was in _awe_. He had been expecting something like a bookstore. This room was _massive_ and there were... thousands... tens of thousands books on a multitude of shelves. He regretted hiding out in his dorm the first night, missing out on spending time here. _This is what heaven is like_, he decided as he went inside, ignoring the glares coming from the librarian. Remus could hear whispered conversations and the sounds of pages turning and students wandering around. _I don't even know where to start_...! He plunged forward and let his instincts guide him, winding up in Magical Creatures. He figured he might as well work on his DADA essay and found a couple books on imps and pixies, to help.

There were tables scattered everywhere, some along the shelves, some bunched up in various open sections. Remus kept going until he ended up at the farthest wall from the entrance, and sat down on the floor. He crossed his legs, spread the books out in front of him, got out ink and quill, and began working on the essay. It felt so comforting to be surrounded by books. Books, who didn't judge him. Books that held friends inside. He didn't need to talk, didn't need to lie. With books he was in a different world where it didn't matter that he was a monster.


	8. Chapter Seven - Not Gonna Bite

Remus spent far too much time in the library, missing supper entirely and only leaving when the librarian came skulking by and told him that the first-year's curfew was in ten minutes. Remus threw everything into his bag, checked out the two books he had been using, and ran as fast as he could through the school. A Slytherin Prefect caught him and took points away for running in the hall _and_ points away for being out of the common room after curfew.

"I have two minutes left!" Remus argued.

"And it takes at least four to get to the Gryffindor tower," the Prefect said. "Plus you probably don't even know where it is."

He couldn't exactly say he knew how to get there by scent, and didn't want to risk losing more points by arguing. Complaining under his breath, Remus walked off and as soon as he was out of sight he began running again. He made it to the portrait of the woman in the pink dress just as seven o'clock hit. "Helios's chariot," he panted and the portrait opened up. He climbed in (falling, like usual) and then went up to the dorm. His legs hurt a bit from running so much though soon the pain ebbed away, leaving only the exhaustion. He groaned as he hit his bed and then tore his robes off, tossing them on the floor.

"Stupid Prefect, I made it, I _made_ it, just hated me cause I'm a Gryffindor, that's all it was," he muttered to himself. "Not _my_ fault," he added despite it completely being his fault for running. "If Gryffindor hadn't decided to throw his students into the tower like some sort of fairy-tale...! Who in their right mind puts kids on the seventh floor of a castle?! Nutters, that's who."

"I agree."

Remus screamed and fell out of his bed. He landed on his face and sprang up into a crouched position that looked far too animalistic. He saw Black in the doorway, looking quite bemused. Slowly Remus got into a standing position and began blushing. "W--wasn't--wasn't t-t-talking to--to--"

"I know," Black said, coming into the room. He had a large bruise on one cheek that piqued Remus's curiosity, but the smaller boy remained silent. "Didn't mean to interrupt you. I agree, though. It's insane we're all the way up here." Remus just remained silent, watching Black as he got out a deck of cards from his desk. "James and I are gonna have a game of exploding snaps, want to join?" Remus just blinked. "You know, you can _say_ something. I'm not going to bite."

Remus involuntarily flinched at those mocking words and a choking sort of sound emitted from his mouth. Black raised his eyebrows and took a step back due to the unusual reaction. _Not going to bite. Not going to bite_! Remus began laughing nervously. _Why did he say that_?! Black said something but the words didn't reach Remus's brain. _Not going to bite_! His chest seized up as he finally managed to stop the laughter and then he ran past Black (who was getting quite used to the sight after only two days) and into the bathroom, to hide out in one of the stalls, feeling pathetic and stupid.

*

Nightmares plagued Remus that night. He tossed and turned, hearing Black say those words over and over.

_I'm not going to bite_, Black said and then Remus began laughing wildly. _No_, Remus agreed, _but I AM_! He turned into a wolf and began chasing Black around the dorm room until he had him pinned up against the wall. Remus-wolf gave a vicious snarl and pounced forward--

And Remus woke up screaming. He flailed about, getting tangled up in the sheets, and then lights came on in the dorm, sleepy voices rising. Remus pushed the blankets off of him and sat up, gasping for air. Someone pushed his curtains aside and he flinched back at the sight of Black standing there, and Potter behind him, and then Pettigrew stumbled over and Spinnet and Struthers--all five of them just _staring_ at him.

"S--sorry!" Remus gasped out, clutching his side. "N... n--nightmare. Sorry." He wished they'd go back to their beds and stop looking. Had he said anything...? He didn't think he talked in his sleep but couldn't be sure, and certainly couldn't ask anyone. "Sorry," he said again for good measure.

"Least it's just the weekend tomorrow," Spinnet grumbled before returning to his bed. Struthers followed, and then Potter and Pettigrew withdraw, leaving only Black still watching Remus for a couple seconds and then he, too, left. Remus shut his curtains again and then curled up, clutching his stomach, one fist in his mouth as he tried to stifle the crying.

*

Nobody had set alarms for the morning and Remus didn't wake up until nearly ten, the only one left in the dorm. He got out of bed feeling heavy and tired, the moon pulling at him already. He stumbled around to get dressed, at first in a uniform then remembering it was Saturday. He put on a battered pair of jeans and a long-sleeved top that was one of his newer pieces of clothing, which meant it was far too big for him, the hem hanging past his thighs, the sleeves covering his hands. At home he didn't care about wearing too-big clothes since the only ones who saw him were his parents. Now he felt embarrassed by it. Everyone else had clothes that fit them, it was just another mark setting him apart.

_It's even my own fault_, he thought as he finally began unpacking his clothes. _If I wasn't a werewolf, Dad could have stayed at his better-paying job at the Ministry_... As he unpacked he couldn't help but take notice of Black's clothing. It looked expensive and nice. When Remus hung up his robes he couldn't help but reach over and feel a shirt that looked like silk. It _felt_ silky. There were so many clothes though they all looked very similar. They all screamed _rich pureblood_! Of course, Potter was a rich pureblood too and his clothes were vastly different, at least the outfit he wore on the train had been.

Shaking his head, Remus did his best to find places for his clothes. Black had an exorbitant amount so it helped that Remus hardly had anything. He managed to fit what he had in the drawers and a small corner of the hanging section, then he pulled on socks and shoes (old trainers, falling apart) and went down to the Great Hall, not sure when food stopped being served. Apparently ten-thirty wasn't one of the meal times so, his stomach growling since he missed dinner the night before, Remus began the climb back up to the Gryffindor tower. There he ate candy to fill up his stomach and finished off his DADA essay, and began working on the Herbology one. When noon hit, he happily took his book down to the Great Hall to get some real food.

The afternoon was spent at the back of the library, finishing up all essays he had been given and then just reading a fictional book, losing himself in another world. It was pure bliss, a huge difference from his first two days. Nothing was dumped on him, nobody called him stupid. He was clear in the back so he didn't expect anyone to really come by except since it was the weekend the library was a little more crowded than before. A few students passed by him, giving him odd looks for sitting in the corner on the floor like that. He kept reading, ignoring them.

At supper he was aware of one of the teachers watching him and he glanced up to see Dedenne's eyes on him. He frowned and then bent low over his plate, carefully eating. A few seats down the table he could hear Black and Potter discussing the pranks they had pulled that day which seemed to include itching powder on some toilet seats, and a few dungbombs in the entrance hall (which explained the lingering scent he had caught when he walked through). After Remus filled his belly he went up to his dorm to pack a bag, not sure what to take... not sure what to expect. He didn't know how long he'd be waiting till the moon rose so he took a book. Waiting for the moon was always the worst part. He also packed a chocolate bar, and a bottle of water. Then, after thinking for a few second, picked up a towel.

"What are you doing?"

He spun around as Pettigrew came into the room. "N--nothing."

"What're you doing with that towel?"

Remus's cheeks burned as he stuffed it into his bag (which still smelled a bit like vinegar despite trying to clean it off). "Nothing."

"You're doing _something_."

Remus slipped the bag over his shoulder and brushed past Pettigrew who watched him go with wide eyes. It was still a good two hours before sunset but he figured he might as well go early. That way he could get himself familiar with his new surroundings. He went through the common room and began making his way through the castle, using his abilities to track the pathways so he wouldn't get lost. Finally he ended up at the hospital wing and crept in. Madame Pomfrey was sitting with another student, making them drink a potion. She glanced over and gave a curt nod to Remus and motioned towards a bed. He took a seat and swung his legs, waiting.

"You're here early," she said after the other student left. Remus stuttered out his reasons why and Pomfrey smiled. "Very well. Come on, then. You didn't bring a cloak?"

"Er," was all he could say.

"Never mind, it's probably still warm enough out."

Pomfrey took him out of the hospital wing and led him out of the castle. He scurried behind her, head down, wondering where they were going. He didn't dare ask. He'd find out soon enough anyway. They went across the grounds, down stone steps, following a pathway... and then went off the pathway, and then finally Pomfrey stopped. Remus looked up, hearing a creaking sound. He gave a gasp and jerked back, tumbling to the ground. The Whomping Willow stood before him, its long branches swaying against the wind.

"Ma'am?" Pomfrey started walking again and Remus slowly got to his feet, heart pounding in fear. "Ma'am?" he asked again as they got closer.

"Wait back there," she said, picking up a rock and stepping a bit closer. "I'm not the best aim but..." She threw the rock and it hit a knot on the tree trunk, and the tree froze. "Come on, hurry up!" Remus ran after her, tripping over his own feet, and then scrambling into a passageway that appeared between some roots. As soon as he did, he heard the tree come back to life behind him. A light appeared on the end of Pomfrey's wand and she smiled. "Follow me."

Remus crept after her, the tunnel rather low-ceilinged. Pomfrey had to have her head ducked low but Remus could walk without trouble. They went down a long ways, Remus not quite sure how long it _did_ take. _No wonder they wanted plenty of time_, he thought as they finally came to the end where the tunnel sloped up and twisted to one side, leading to what looked like a trap door. Pomfrey pushed it open and climbed out, offering a hand to help pull Remus up.

He stared in amazement when he came through. He was in a house. A proper, real house. Everything looked brand new... including the furniture. _Furniture_! Remus turned in a circle taking in everything. They were in a living room with a plump couch, two armchairs, a coffee table, pictures on the walls, a fireplace, and a doorway leading into a hallway. He took a few steps into the hall. There were more doorways, a proper door which was closed, and at one end a staircase, at the other what looked like a front door to a house.

"All the windows and doors are blocked off, and boarded up from the outside," Pomfrey explained. "Nobody can get in. You can't get out."

Remus checked out the doorways, first looking into a dining room. "Why is it a house?" he asked, staring at the dining room table with six chairs sitting around it. Another doorway led to a kitchen. Cupboards and counters, sink, a _fridge_. When he opened the fridge he saw food inside. Fresh food. Behind the one closed door was a small bathroom. Remus twisted the tap and water came out.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Pomfrey asked. "You're going to be spending a lot of time here, you might as well be comfortable."

"But I'll be... a wolf..."

"Not always," she reminded him and Remus nodded. There were the nights he didn't transform at all due to heavy cloud coverage lasting the entire night. "Upstairs is a bedroom, and another bathroom."

_Why did they do this_? "Was it--already here?"

"No, Albus had it built in August," Pomfrey said.

Remus frowned at her. _Why_? he wanted to ask. _Why would they build me a whole proper house? Why isn't it just a room? Why the tunnel? Why not just have a basement type cellar room under the Whomping Willow?! Why is this so elaborate? I don't deserve all this... a hole in the ground would be fine_.

"Albus wasn't sure about the sort of place you transformed in at home, so we did our best."

"Just a... room in the cellar..." He turned around, taking in the fact it was a _house_. He went upstairs and Pomfrey followed. A bedroom with a four poster bed, similar to his bed in his dorm. A wardrobe. A desk, a chair. Remus went on into a bathroom which was a lot like the one below only this one had a large claw-footed bathtub.

"A room? Like the bedroom?" Pomfrey asked.

"No... there wasn't anything in it." He turned on the tap in the tub, watching water pour out.

"Oh." Pomfrey gave a slight sniffle. "I see. Well. Ah. This place is yours, to, er, transform in."

He turned around, not sure why she seemed so taken aback. _Why do I have all of this? I don't understand_. "Wh--why is th-there food? In the--kitchen?"

"For the nights you don't transform, if you need something to eat," she said gently. "It's spelled that you shouldn't be able to get it open in, er, as a..."

"Wolf?" he asked and she flinched just ever-so-slightly. "It's fine. We both know what I am."

They went back downstairs and Pomfrey went over to the trap door that led to the tunnel. "I'll be back in the morning," she said then gave his shoulder a maternal sort of squeeze. "You'll be all right?"

"Yes ma'am, thank you." He wasn't sure if it was because he was so tired or overwhelmed by the house or on the cusp of the moon but he was able to talk like a sort of normal person.

Pomfrey gave him a rather anxious look then left, shutting the trapdoor behind her. Remus listened as she went down the passage until he couldn't hear her anymore. Then he went over to the couch and sat down, sinking a little ways into the couch. _Furniture, a couch, this is a real house, they built me a house_. He looked around in amazement, unable to believe it. At home it was a small room, about the size of the upstairs bathroom here. Big enough that as a wolf he could pace a little bit certainly not very big at all, and completely empty. Just four stone walls, a stone ceiling, a stone floor, and a heavy iron door. And pitch blackness.

Curious, he got up and went to the front door. It was locked. He went around to all the windows, opening the curtains. There was glass but outside the glass was heavy boards. _They built this house and boarded it up, I wonder what people think about it, if they know it exists_... He assumed he was somewhere deep in the forest. He couldn't be anywhere near Hogsmeade, could he? _Surely not_...

He returned to the living room and pulled out the book he had brought, knowing he had a little while for the sun to set and the moon to rise. He read for about ten minutes then put his book aside to explore the house again. He was the only one who'd be in there so it just baffled him to no end why they put so much effort into making it look like a real home. There was a linen cupboard, dishes in the cupboards, just small details that made no sense. It made his head hurt a bit.

Finally he returned to the living room and read until the moon started pulling at him. He put the book away and went upstairs, putting his bag in the wardrobe and then taking off all his clothes, putting them in the wardrobe as well. Naked and shivering from the chill, he padded back down the stairs, hands cupped around his crotch even though he knew nobody else was there, nobody could see him. Then he put a blanket down on the floor of the living room and sat on, hugging his knees, shivering more, waiting. Even though he could feel the moon in the sky he had no idea if the clouds would be covering it or not. The times at home with a hidden moon were almost as bad as actually turning into a wolf. He was stuck in that pitch black, empty cellar room all night with nothing to do, too afraid to sleep.

Just as he wondered if there were clouds tonight, pain shot through his tiny body. He gave a scream as it felt like a volt of electricity spreading through all his limbs. He collapsed onto his back, crying out as the wolf took over. His nails sharpened and lengthened, and he dug his new claws into the blanket, into the floor. He kicked his feet has they twisted and morphed, his bones shifting, his bones growing. In some places the bones began pushing through the skin before the rest of his body could change. Bones began growing out of the base of his back, muscles and skin growing around it as his tail appeared. Fur rippled across his bare skin, blood matting into it at some sections. His teeth went from human to wolf, the sharp ends cutting through his lips before his mouth could catch up to the transformation, pushing painfully out.

"Please... please...!" he cried, tears splashing out as his eyeballs began changing, drifting farther apart as his eye sockets pulled them from his skull changing shape. The pain should have been too great for him however he didn't pass out. He just screamed and writhed and convulsed and screamed even more until his screams turned into a howl, and the wolf took over.


	9. Chapter Eight - What Kind Of Healer Kicks A Broken Leg?

Remus rarely remembered anything during his time as a wolf which was for the better since what he _did_ remember was more than his human emotions could cope with. He remembered anger and rage and desire to lash out... the desire to _kill _(which he took out on himself) and these vicious, evil flashes from the full moon were unbearable for him to deal with without the actual physical memories of what he did.

When the curse ebbed out in the morning (which always hurt too, though in a different, shrinking way) he found himself in a pool of his own blood and the shredded remains of the blanket. He stared at the ceiling, not sure where he was... before the memory of the evening before flooded back. Groaning in pain, he sat up. He always still had wounds on his body, the severity depending.

Remus gave a whimpering cry as he saw deep gouges down his legs, a large chunk removed from one calf that had to be from a self-inflicted bite. There were claw marks down his sides, his flesh shredded and flappy. He could feel scratches on his face. The pain was too much and he lay back down, sobbing. His body would heal. Everything he did to himself would (usually) disappear before night fell again. He figured it was because the wounds were from a werewolf that they took longer to heal than normal wounds but they did heal (for instance, when he broke his arm once as a boy it healed up within ten minutes, but once when he chewed his own finger off in wolf form it took well over a day). Everything that happened to his body was healed and smoothed away by werewolf regeneration, another side effect from his curse. All wounds, that is, except for the one that turned him into a werewolf; he would forever have that scar. He also thought silver might not heal but it was one of those things he wasn't sure was true or a myth.

As he lay there crying, the shallow slashes on his face began healing. Even though all of this healed up, it didn't change or lessen the pain. They were very real wounds, causing very real--and immense--pain. He could feel the other wounds slowly working their way towards fixing themselves but it would take ages, especially for the huge chunk in his leg. _I'll just lay here a while_, he thought and was on the verge of just passing out when he heard movement in the passage.

_No_! He grabbed the remains of the blanket to wrap around his body and somehow pulled himself to the bathroom in a flash of white hot pain, leaving a trail of bloody and smudged footprints. His legs were weak and he barely made it before he heard the trapdoor open and Madame Pomfrey gasp loudly at the sight before her. He wondered what it was like, surveying the damage a werewolf did for the first time. He wondered what she thought, knowing a tiny little eleven year old had done all that damage, caused all that blood.

"I'm--I'm--bathroom!" he called out when he heard her speak his name. "Hold on...!" He turned on the shower though didn't really want to get in with his violent wounds. It would cause more blood loss, but what choice did he have with Pomfrey out there? _She's seeing the blood_, he thought miserably, tears squeezing out of his eyes. _She's seeing what I did_!

"Are you all right?" she asked, right outside the door.

As soon as he stepped into the shower the hot water against the gouge on his calf was too much and he cried out before falling, crashing out of the shower and onto the floor. Lights burst in his eyes and he began sobbing. The door swung open and Pomfrey came in.

"N--no--p--please...!" he whimpered, feebly grabbing for a towel to cover his nakedness. "Please," he said again as she crouched next to him. She was seeing him, seeing him, _seeing him _the blood and the wounds and he was naked except the towel and she was _seeing_ what he had done to himself. She had seen the violence in the living room and now saw the violence on his body. "It--heals--" he managed to choke out, tears pouring out. _Please stop looking at me_.

He wasn't sure what was worse. Her seeing the self-inflicted wounds, or her seeing his nakedness.

Pomfrey eyed the deep chunk removed from his leg he had bitten out himself, the bloody mess, the muscles exposed. Her face tightened and then smoothed out. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up and taken back to the school."

"B--back?" he asked as she began wiping him down with a warm, wet washcloth. "B... but tonight... moon...?"

Pomfrey looked down into his gold-amber eyes. "You didn't expect to stay here all day, did you?" He just stared back in confusion as yes, that was exactly what he thought. "You're only eleven... you can't be left alone like this..."

"I'm... I'd r--rather st--stay here th-though." The thought of being smuggled in and out of the school _every single night_ of the full moon was too much for him.

"I--well, I'm sorry, but that's not possible. You're a child." After she finished cleaning him off she conjured some bandages, wrapping them around his leg, and the gashes on his chest. She fetched his clothes from the wardrobe upstairs and he slowly got dressed, wincing in pain. Then she wrapped her own cloak around him and helped limp him into the passageway and back to the school.

*

Remus woke up, confused about the starkness around him. A lot of white, and light. He sat up, realizing he was in the hospital wing. A small room he hadn't seen the first time visiting. There was a window with gauzy curtains, a bedside table with a lamp and some flowers, a side table with a basin full of water, the metal bed he lay in, and a chair. He swung his legs out and winced at how tight his muscles felt. _Why am I in pajamas_? _I don't recognize these either_. He rolled up the legs of the loose pajamas and removed the bandages to see the wounds from his transformation time were almost healed, only a few pink scars that would fade after another hour or so. The spot where he had ripped an entire bit of leg out still hurt and looked open and rather nasty; it probably still had several more hours. He lifted his shirt and saw pink scars zigging down his sides. Finally he unbuttoned the top and pulled one side down to see the deep pink, puckered scar that ringed his entire upper left arm. Teeth marks that left indents. The scar that would never fade. He touched one of the tooth marks and then pulled his shirt back up.

Then the door opened and he jerked, looking in surprise at Pomfrey. "Oh, good, you're awake," she said, bringing in a lunch tray. "I didn't want to wake you, but I know you need food. You suffered a _lot_ of blood loss..."

She made him lay back down then put the tray in his lap. Grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots. His stomach growled loudly and he began eating gratefully. "Wha' hime iffi?"

"Chew and swallow, Mr. Lupin."

He obeyed her, swallowing the delicious food, then repeated himself more clearly. "What time is it?"

"Almost two in the afternoon, you've been asleep since you got here at about seven-thirty. How do you feel?" She began doing diagnosis spells on his body while he continued to eat. "Please stop talking with a full mouth," she complained when he tried answering.

"Sorry," he said once done swallowing. "I feel... okay. Tired. Maybe a little more than usual but not much."

Pomfrey sat down in the chair and gave him a look. "We weren't sure what to tell your friends, by the way. They had _no_ idea where you were so when they went to Professor McGonagall she simply told them you weren't feeling well. They were here this morning."

"I don't have friends," he replied before shoveling more food in.

Pomfrey's eyebrows arched. "Misters Black and Potter? They seemed quite intent on visiting you. Apparently they went to Minerva in great distress after breakfast since you never returned to your dorm last night and weren't in the Great Hall for breakfast. You didn't tell them anything?"

"They aren't my friends, ma'am. I don't... have friends. I--I d-didn't think to tell them anything. Nobody asked me anything when I left." Remus thought about Pettigrew watching him pack a towel in his school bag, and Remus telling him he wasn't doing anything. "So they've been told I'm sick?"

"Yes."

He nodded and finished off the rest of the food. "'K, I'll say that if they ask when I go back. Could I have some more? Please?" he added after a pause, remembering his manners. Then he realized he had been carrying on a conversation like a normal person all this time, and his cheeks flushed with pleasure.

Pomfrey left to get him more food and he settled back to wait, yawning a bit from still being tired. He usually slept all day on the days during the moon, with the exception of meals. His eyelids started fluttering close then snapped wide open when he heard voices past the door.

"...why _not_? We want to _give_ him something!" demanded the haughty voice of Black.

"I told you, Mr. Lupin is in no state for company."

"Just for a couple minutes, we won't make him worse," promised Potter.

"No. Now please leave the hospital wing unless you're injured."

"OW!!!" Potter suddenly cried out and Remus heard a great crashing sound. "MY LEG IS BROKEN! MERLIN HELP ME!"

"Mr. Potter get _off_ the floor!" Pomfrey snapped.

"MY LEG IS BROKEN, MADAME POMFREY, I CAN'T!"

"Madame Pomfrey, please, look at him!" Black gasped out. "He's very injured!"

"_Ouch_!" Potter yelped. "Why did you _kick_ me?! What kind of healer are you?!"

"Your leg is most certainly not broken and I did not kick you, I nudged you! Now get up and _leave_ this _instant_ before I _spell_ you out!"

Remus heard grumbles and then a moment later the door to his room opened and Pomfrey came in with another tray of food. "I heard all of that," he said as she put the tray in his lap. "Th--they're not my friends."

"I don't think they know that," she said a bit grouchily. "If they try again tonight I will use force."

"Madame Pomfrey..." He finally slowed down with the eating and looked up at the young witch. "I d--don't understand why I'm brought back here. Wouldn't it be easier and safer if I stayed there?"

"Remus, you are eleven years old," she said sternly. "We are not leaving you alone in that house all day for multiple days in a row! Perhaps when you're a bit older."

Remus finished off his food and she took the tray away so he could drift back to sleep, dreaming about being in the house and everything kept growing... or maybe he was shrinking. They were very strange dreams, and he was a bit relieved when Pomfrey woke him up for dinner. All his wounds were completely healed by that point except for a pinkish fading scar on his leg, and he changed into his regular clothes (rather slowly since he still felt weak) so Pomfrey could take him back outside to the Whomping Willow. _Isn't it more dangerous this way_? he wondered, wanting to argue more. _Coming and going every day?_

Pomfrey took him to the house and left after he went through the trap door, not coming into the house this time. Remus read for the rest of the evening and then tucked everything away in the wardrobe to once again wait for the moon to rise and the pain of transformation consume him once more.

*

On Monday morning, Remus's body felt more broken than the night before but he was still able to limp to the shower after he finished turning back into a human body (or whatever that was supposed to be) to get cleaned off before Pomfrey showed up. He cried out as his soapy hands skimmed over the jagged flesh and at one point the pain was so much he passed out. He woke up to Pomfrey wrapping a large bandage around his middle.

"S'okay," he muttered, rather delirious from the pain. "Professor, you don't need to stay..."

"You're seriously injured, I'm not going to leave you," she said.

"I'll heal..."

"I don't _care_," she said a bit harshly and then her face softened, her voice doing the same. "I know perfectly well that all of this damage will go away before the day is ended but I'm not going to leave you like this."

He wished she'd listen. He didn't like her seeing him like this. He never liked his parents seeing him broken and bloody but at least they were his parents, not a virtual stranger. She also saw all the blood everywhere, and the destruction he did to the furniture. Great big claw marks in the couch and a cushion torn up like a chew toy. He didn't want to go back to the school only to come back again tonight. He'd rather just _stay_ there. To sleep there and feed himself and not have strange adults come in and see the ruin he caused in the night. It was too humiliating. And tiring.

_Maybe Professor Dumbledore could be talked round_, he thought as they went across the damp morning grass and into the school. _If I can even manage to say what I want to say and not have it all bungled together._ Remus thought he might be getting better at talking to people. Perhaps it was just Pomfrey, though, or because of the exhaustion and blood loss and moon. He got changed into the pajamas provided for him as she rewrapped his wounds and he curled up in bed, going to sleep until she woke him for lunch. He slept till supper and as he ate he received a small lecture about Black and Potter _and_ Pettigrew _and_ Evans all trying to come see him during various points of the day.

_Why? We aren't friends, they barely know me... it doesn't make any sense_, he thought as he chewed his food. Evans had left a get-well-soon card for him which he read after he was done eating. There was a drawing of a flower on the front and on the inside it read, _I heard from your roommates that you're in the hospital wing. I really hope you're doing better soon! L.E._

He stared at the card for several minutes then tucked it under his pillow before going back to sleep.

*

Monday night was the final night for him to transform but it didn't go any easier than the previous two. He was still torn ragged and a bloody mess when he finished shifting back Tuesday morning. He curled into a painful ball for a few minutes and allowed himself some time to cry before forcing himself to shower (being extra careful around his wounds so he wouldn't black out like before) and try to clean up _some_ of the blood before Pomfrey showed up. He was kneeling and scrubbing at the floor with shaky, aching arms when she came in. One of the hands clutching the dirty towel had deep bite marks in it, some flesh torn away.

"Mr. Lupin! You are in no condition to be doing that!" she shouted when she saw him. "You've been suffering extreme blood loss all weekend!"

"I sh--should clean it though," he said as she hurried over. "It's going to stain." That seemed to be a weak argument due to all the stains already in the house, just from three nights. He saw paw prints in some areas and his own human footprints going out of the living room towards the bathroom. The smell was so strong... "Please let me clean up." He wanted to eradicate all the blood, all the evidence.

"Come on, Mr. Lupin. You're making yourself bleed again."

He looked down and saw red blossoming on his shirt from a deep gash on his side and on the sleeves from the scratches on his arms. _What's it matter? It'll heal up. Why can't she understand this? _Pomfrey helped him to his feet and started to take him back to the school but he remembered his bag in the wardrobe and ran up the steps, ignoring the pain in his legs, the fresh blood pouring out of his scratches. He threw open the wardrobe and grabbed his school bag, carrying it gingerly back down the stairs so it didn't bump against his body. He didn't want blood on it in addition to the vinegar smell that persisted despite constant cleaning. As soon as he reached the bottom step he collapsed, and Pomfrey had to use magical means to carry him back to the castle.

In the hospital wing Pomfrey bandaged him up, giving him a rather nasty lecture about running around with his wounds like he had. She tried to get him to eat some breakfast but he was far too sleepy and only managed a couple bites before falling asleep.

*

After lunch, Remus wanted to go to his afternoon classes except remembered as he got dressed (Pomfrey had cleaned his clothes, getting rid of the blood; she also got the vinegar smell out of his bag somehow) that he didn't _have_ any afternoon classes on Tuesday. _Might as well leave the hospital wing anyway_, he decided, carefully putting his shoes on. His wounds were mostly healed but some of the worse ones still gave him pain and he still had a bandage against the deep gash along his side that he suspected had pierced an organ. He was still weak from blood loss but was determined to leave the hospital wing anyway. _I want to go to as many classes as I can, so I need to get used to doing this_.

"I'll be fine," he lied to Madame Pomfrey as she anxiously watched him leave.

"You should wait until your blood replenishes," she said huffily.

He held himself still so he wouldn't waver, knowing how pale he looked. He probably looked on the verge of being a vampire. "I'll be fine," he said again and walked carefully until he was far out of sight of the hospital wing and then he slumped down, allowing the limp to creep back into his walk. He felt exhausted and was a bit glad they didn't have any classes. _If I did, I would go_._ Next month I will. _Next month the final night was a Tuesday, and on Wednesday he had DADA in the afternoon. _I'll make myself_, he decided as he attempted a flight of stairs and pain shot through his body every time he heaved himself up to the next stair. _Merlin's beard why is the Gryffindor tower so high up_?

By the time he reached the seventh floor he was crying, and he could feel his side wound was open and bleeding again. He clutched his side as he limped to the portrait and when it opened he had no idea how he was going to get in. Slowly he pulled himself into the hole and crashed to the ground on the other side, giving a yelp of pain. _Yeah, I'm definitely bleeding again_.

He heard other students talking and that spurred him into getting up, pretending like he was fine, pretending that it was one of his normal falls. He certainly fell through the hole more often than not so it wasn't unusual. He kept his arm tucked against his side and walked slowly towards the boys' staircase to avoid the limping.

"Lupin!"

Potter and Black came running over and he took a quick step back, wincing from the pain of doing so. He was getting really dizzy and felt hot.

"You're okay!"

"We were very worried."

"Pomfrey the Putrid wouldn't let us see you."

"We tried a couple different times."

"She _kicked_ me, actually _kicked_ me."

"You look dreadful..." Black stepped forward, peering into Remus's face. "You're as white as a sheet and..." He trailed off, looking at the deep smudges under Remus's eyes, and the shakiness of Remus's hands. "Should you... be out of the wing, mate?"

"I'm f---f--f--" It seemed any ability to talk with Pomfrey had drained away. "F--fine," he forced out. His side felt like it was splitting open even more and he felt sick with fear that the blood would seep out around the bandage. "Um--ex--excuse me." He slowly turned and went carefully up the stairs, his legs nearly buckling. He had to put a hand against the wall to keep himself steady. He felt their eyes on him as he went and the tears came back.

_Stop looking at me, please_.

He reached the dorm and crept in, taking his pillow and blanket to wriggle under his bed. There he pulled his shirt up and peeled back the bloody bandage to check how bad it had gotten. He wasn't used to his wounds getting worse. Usually after he got cleaned up all he did was rest, so he never really experienced this before. He touched a finger to one of the flaps of flesh and then flinched. He put the bandage back, pulled his shirt down, and fell into a nightmare-filled sleep where his regeneration ability suddenly stopped and he was covered in scars, marking him for the beast he was.


	10. Chapter Nine - Chocolate Is A Great Cure

Remus smacked his head when he woke up, forgetting he was under his bed. He rubbed the sore spot and then lay back down, blinking angrily at the bottom of his bed. Then, remembering everything, he lifted his shirt and peeled back the bloodied bandage to see a pink scar on his midriff. _Good_. He rolled over to exit his nest then froze when he saw something near his head. A distinctly shaped box... a chocolate frog. Who put that there? He pulled the box close and examined it all over for any indication but it as just a regular chocolate frog. Nothing special. _Did someone drop it_? He stuck it in his pocket as he got out from under his bed and then went to the bathroom so he could throw the bandage away there and wash off the dried blood.

When he returned to the dorm he put the chocolate frog on the little table near the middle of the room, by the heater. It was still warm out so the heater wasn't on yet, so he felt the chocolate safe enough. Hopefully whoever dropped it would find it before someone else did.

*

Despite it being suppertime, Remus stayed in the dorm. He felt rather hungry and knew it would help ease up some of his weakness however he was worried about being assaulted if he went into the Great Hall. The image of Potter and Black rushing to him in the common room filled his head. So he ate the last of his candy (that was supposed to last the entire month) and redid his History essay. Then he heard voices out in the hall and he scrambled back under the bed, slipping completely underneath just as the door opened.

Three sets of shoes. In addition to Potter's expensive trainers and Black's shiny loafers there was a scuffed pair of trainers Remus realized belonged to Pettigrew.

"My chocolate frog!" Pettigrew said, going over to the table.

"Told you he wouldn't want it," Potter said.

"Chocolate always makes _me_ feel better when I'm sick," Pettigrew complained.

"I've seen the way you eat candy, it's probably how you _get_ sick in the first place!" Potter teased.

"If he's come out from under the bed, why did he miss dinner?" Black asked and then Remus cried out, pushing backwards as Black knelt by his bed and looked underneath. "Oh, you're still there."

"You scared him!" Potter said then knelt down to look too. Remus pushed back even more, blushing lightly. "You feeling better?" Potter asked. "You're still really white."

Now Pettigrew knelt and looked. "Why didn't you want the chocolate frog?" he asked, clutching the box in one chubby hand.

"Is that... blood?" Black's eyes landed on Remus's shirt, at the stain that he had gotten from the gash on his side.

"No," Remus said quickly, pulling the blanket up to hide his middle. _Why did I forget to change my shirt_? He felt very stupid... of course he hadn't really expected anyone to see him for a while. _They saw me under here earlier... _He wondered what they thought, him hiding out like this. It wasn't something he thought regular people did but it was so much better, made him feel protected.

"You still look pretty sick," Black said, eyes returning to Remus's face. "What happened? What did you get?"

"I thought healers could fix almost anything," Potter mused.

"D--d--doesn't m--matter," Remus mumbled.

"Is it your stomach? Cause if it's not you can still have my chocolate frog." Pettigrew put the box on the floor and pushed it under the bed.

He began to panic, all three boys blocking one side of his bed, looking at him, seeing how awful he looked, sort of seeing the blood. _I should have stayed in the hospital wing_...! His breathing got a little funny which caused Black and Potter to both frown.

"Do you need to go back?" Black asked.

"N...no..." He pushed back a little more, close to the other side of his bed now.

"I think he wants us to leave," Potter said, a flash of understanding in his face. "Come on, let him be." Potter got up and Pettigrew followed suit. "Come on then, Sirius."

Black gave Remus one more look--much like he had after Remus woke up the dorm with his nightmare--then stood up. Then Pettigrew doubled over to looked under the bed again. "If you prefer fruity candy I have a jelly sl--uuggg!" He croaked the last bit out as Potter yanked him back upright, then the three of them left the dorm.

Remus's hand snaked out and he snatched up the chocolate frog. _Why is he giving me this? Why did they seem so concerned_? He opened the box and the frog jumped on his face then tried jumping away. Remus got hold of it very quickly and held it until the magic faded and it stopped wriggling. He loved chocolate but hated chocolate frogs because they hopped and moved like a real frog. It made him feel more like a monster for eating it even though everyone else ate them with no issue. Once a few minutes passed since the last time the frog moved, Remus ate it. Mostly because Pettigrew gave it to him.

_Pomfrey called them my friends but we're not friends so why are they being like_ _this_? He had figured it would be easy to avoid making friends since he figured nobody would want to talk to him. The fact they were actively seeking him out just... bewildered him. _I guess they're just trying to be nice since I'm their dorm-mate_...

He crawled out from under his bed and put the chocolate frog card on Pettigrew's pillow, then went to get another shower and clean clothes on.

*

_Dear Remus, 5/9/71_

_Please be very safe, sweetheart. I'm so worried about you being there during this time. I know they've ensured your safety however I cannot stop worrying. You said you have a whole house? That really doesn't seem very safe either. Please write back as soon as you can. I want to sen this letter immediately but I know you won't get it till Wednesday morning anyway._

_The house is so empty without you. I miss your laughter and the sound of you running around and the sound of pages turning. When you were a baby and Lyall told me you'd be going to Hogwarts one day I knew it would be hard. I just never realized it would be this hard. I've cried myself to sleep every night. I'm not going to lie, when you sent your letter I really hoped you were writing to say you wanted to come home. Don't get me wrong, darling, I am so glad you are happy there with your classes. I just miss you. It feels like now you are out of my arms there is no way I can protect you_ _. That is all I want... to protect you..._

_Please keep yourself quiet and safe. If anyone found out you know what they'd do. _ _Write to me as often as you can, baby. I miss you._

_Love,_

_Mum_

_PS Lyall showed me a picture of an imp and your drawing is perfectly fine!_

*

Wednesday morning, and he could _thankfully_ go back to classes! He hoped he wouldn't be in trouble for taking his homework in so late though figured the teachers would be lenient. All his teachers today knew the truth. _Dedenne might not be lenient_, he thought at breakfast. _She thinks I'm stupid_. He had gone over the DADA work a dozen times the previous evening to make sure everything was perfect. He wanted to prove himself to her.

Evans sat down across from him, a bright smile on her face. "You're out of the hospital wing!"

"Ooh, er, y--yeah," he said, choking a bit on his toast. "Th--th--thank... s... f---for... card..."

"I'm glad you got it," Evans said as she gathered food onto her plate. "Madame Pomfrey didn't seem like she wanted anyone seeing you so I wasn't sure if she'd give you the card or not."

"You d--d---didn't--n--need..." He trailed off and angrily stabbed at some sausage, wishing he could bring back the easy, normal way he spoke with Pomfrey.

Evans shrugged. "I know I'd be gutted if I got sick right away." After a couple minutes she cleared her throat and said, "A few other students and I have started meeting up in the library after supper to work on our assignments together--er, we just started last night but we're meeting again tonight. Do you want to come? It's me, Twycross, and two Hufflepuffs from Herbology. Erm... Bones and Pierce. Though Bones said he might invite one of his Ravenclaw friends."

Remus popped the sausage in his mouth and chewed thoughtfully. _It's not friendship... Mum and Dad never said anything about not studying with other students... _"M... maybe."

"If you'd like my notes from Monday and yesterday you're welcome to them," she offered. "You can also copy down the assignments they gave."

"Oh. Th--thank you."

During lunch the two of them sat together so Remus could do just that, carefully copying down the notes she took. They were fairly in depth and written in a much neater writing than his own. He also wrote down the homework he needed to do, even though some of it was due today. While he did all this he felt eyes on him and thought perhaps it was Dedenne but she wasn't even in the Great Hall. He looked around until his eyes met a pair of silvery grey ones that were watching him. Black gave a wave then turned back to his own lunch. Remus frowned and then bent low over the parchment as he finished all the copying he needed to do.

"Oi, Lupin!" On the way to Defense, Black and Potter ran over and Black offered some parchment. "Here's the assignments we got while you were sick."

Remus glanced down at the paper then back up. "Th... thank...s..." He decided not to say that Evans already helped him there, and accepted the parchment.

"Come on!" Potter put his arm around Black's shoulders and Remus thought he saw Black faintly wince, but then Black was grinning and running with Potter so it must have been his imagination. "HEY LUPIN, COME ON!" Potter shouted. "PETE, HURRY UP!"

Pettigrew bolted past Remus, and Remus got the urge to run as well. He wanted to join them but managed to keep his feet at a steady walking pace until the lot of them disappeared up a flight of stairs. By the time he got to the third-floor classroom, all three were in their seats. Remus set his homework from Friday down on Dedenne's desk then took the same seat as last time. Dedenne launched into a lecture about hags.

"Despite the fact they are classified as beings and not beasts, hags are, without a doubt, part of the dark arts. Can anyone tell me why?" She looked around the room, ignoring Remus's hand. "Miss Evans?"

"They... supposedly eat children?" Evans asked.

"Correct." Dedenne flicked her wand so the chalk began writing on the board. "Hags have a taste for flesh. They also can perform simple magic. They are... very similar to humans, however, and you've probably come across one or two in your life. At least those from a magical background." She gave a smile at that. "Can anyone else give an example of beings also considered part of the dark arts?" Hands shot up. "Miss Colgate?"

"Vampires?"

"Yes, good. Mr. Spinnet?"

"Giants."

"Miss McNab?"

"Sirens?"

"Good guess however incorrect. Sirens and other species of merfolk have declined being status, due to the fact that hags and vampires are classified as beings. Merfolk and centaurs both have been offered the being status though have refused it..."

Dedenne continued talking about being versus beast while Remus angrily took notes. It hurt that _vampires_ were considered beings while _werewolves_ were beasts. He had read an article a little over a year ago from someone who was lobbying for werewolves to be considered beings when it wasn't a full moon, but there was quite a lot of opposition to it. He recalled there had been a line about vampires in it. Something about how vampires and werewolves were a lot alike however it was the full transformation that caused werewolves to lose their humanity while vampires remained humanoid no matter what time of the month it was.

Dedenne had everyone draw a picture of a hag and she must have graded Remus's essay during this time since after class she gave him papers back. He stared at the A in horror. Acceptable?! His eyes ran down the paper. **_Looks more like a garden gnome than an imp_.** There were also red slashes over some of the written bits. **_Close but incorrect_.** Remus bit his lip and wanted to go back into the classroom and point out in the book where it proved it was _not_ incorrect, however he figured that would be a bad idea. _**Points taken off for turning in late**_**.** _I don't think she's being fair_... He pushed the paper in his bag and angrily walked down the corridor. _Maybe she's just as strict with everyone else. She wouldn't make up arbitrary reasons for cutting down my grade just because I'm a werewolf, would she? _He rather wished he had the guts to ask Evans about her grade...

*

Remus was too afraid to go to the library after dinner as much as he wanted to, so he spent his entire evening in his dorm working tirelessly on the homework he needed to catch up on. He was still working when the other boys came up to the dorm. Struthers and Spinnet first, then Pettigrew, and finally Black and Potter. The first three boys were taking a nap before Astronomy, while Black and Potter stayed awake playing a game of chess which teetered a bit on Potter's bed. Remus half-listened in and then ended up watching. Black was clearly better than Potter and it didn't take him long to get close to a checkmate.

"Urrrgh," Potter moaned, studying the board carefully.

"Bishop to B5," Remus suggested and both boys looked over at him.

"Bishop to B5," Potter repeated and his bishop moved, while Black frowned.

Remus guided Potter's pieces around for a couple turns while Black grew visibly annoyed at now losing. "Knight to F6," Remus said. "Check."

"Yeeessss!" Potter laughed.

"Hey, this isn't fair," Black complained as Potter moved his knight. He took the knight, as Remus suspected he would.

Potter looked at Remus expectantly. Remus blushed and ducked his head down. "Queen to F6. Checkmate."

"HAH!" Potter shouted, waking up the other three boys. "Thanks Lupin!"

Remus drew his knees up and went back to working on his essay as the other two started up a card game. Black asked Remus to join and Remus just shook his head, not even looking over. Pettigrew sleepily joined though, while the other two went back to sleep.

At eleven-forty everyone was awake and back in their uniforms as they went as a group out of the common room, along with the girls. They were all whispering about where the Astronomy tower might be. Remus wanted to ask a painting but didn't dare with everyone else there.

"It's the tallest tower, isn't it?" Evans asked nervously. "That's near the front of the school..."

"Goodness," said the Fat Lady behind them. "Go down the corridor, down the stairs to the sixth floor main corridor, take the large corridor to your right--not the first one, the one after that, it's bigger--and take _that_ one all the way to the end. The stairs are there. It's not that difficult."

Evans thanked her and the group went together, finding themselves meeting up with the first-year Ravenclaws at the base of a tall flight of stairs. This was the first time the two houses really interacted, and everyone gave each other wary looks. Then the Ravenclaws began climbing, followed by the Gryffindors. Remus was in the very back, rather excited for this class. He adored the night sky--the stars, at least. The moon he could do without. _That_ was his enemy.

Professor Spring was a rather ancient and spindly wizard who didn't seem like he could climb those stairs every night and survive. Though when he took roll call he spat out the names so quickly the students hardly had any time to answer before he moved on to the next one. Then he tossed the parchment onto his desk and began talking about what they'd be learning. Mostly names of stars, constellations, understanding the planets and their movements, and cartography.

"Does anyone here know what cartography is?" Spring asked. Remus and a couple others raised their hands and Spring called on a Ravenclaw who answered that it was the term for map making. "And what does cartography have to do the stars?" He pointed at Remus now who lowered his hand.

"Celestial cartography, the study and practice of mapping the celestial sphere. S--sir."

"What's the celestial sphere?" Spring asked while looking directly at Remus, ignoring the other hands that went up.

Remus gulped and bowed his head, ignoring all the looks he was getting. "An imaginary--er, sphere around the earth with earth at the center. It gives astronomers a way to give coordinates and locations for everything in the night sky. Similar to longitude and latitude on earth."

Spring nodded and then launched into a lecture about the celestial sphere and coordinates and the importance of calculations and memorizing certain points to calculate other points... He asked _loads_ of questions and Remus was pretty much the only Gryffindor to answer anything though the Ravenclaws answered quite a few as well. Mostly just one of the girls who knew quite a lot. Spring asked about various constellations in the sky and Evans raised her hand for one of them though Spring called on a Ravenclaw to answer. Then he allowed everyone to look through the super powerful magical telescope once before they left. Remus was one of the last ones and he didn't want to stop, it was so _beautiful_!

They were given a simple star chart to copy as well as an essay about the constellations they discussed, and told to go to bed.


	11. Chapter Ten - A Wolf In Lion's Clothing

The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw first-years made their way down the long staircase. It was almost one in the morning and everyone was pretty tired, although not so tired that some of the Ravenclaws didn't have a few questions about what they saw in class.

"Hey, you're pretty smart," one of the Ravenclaw boys said to Remus, going down the stairs next to him. "Lupin, right?"

"Lupin? Aren't you the one that gave a speech about _advanced_ magical theory on your first Charms class?" one of the Ravenclaw girls asked, glancing behind her. "Professor Flitwick was talking about it on Monday."

"How come you weren't with _us_?" another Ravenclaw boy asked when they reached the bottom of the staircase.

Remus clutched at his bag, terror rising in his chest at the small group of Ravenclaws that remained behind to stare at him. A handful of Ravenclaws had left as well as three of the Gryffindor girls, but he had far too big an audience still and he felt like he might vomit. Then before he could answer, Spinnet spoke up. _Not_ in his defense. Quite the opposite. "No idea, he's definitely not very _brave_ or Gryffindor-y that _I've_ seen."

The Ravenclaws looked at Spinnet then back at Remus curiously. "I, er..."

"Shame Resorting _isn't_ a thing," Spinnet then said though he looked at Black when he said it. "I think Gryffindor got a couple of accidentals."

"The Sorting Hat is never wrong," Potter said, throwing his arm around Black's shoulders.

Spinnet stepped closer to the two of them. "_I_ think they were _pity_ Sortings. Lupin belongs with the birds, and Black..." He gave Black a rather nasty look. "Black is a _Slytherin_."

Black whipped his wand out, pointing it levelly at Spinnet's face, and all the students watching gasped loudly. "You take that back!"

"Not until you've apologized to Dave."

"I _have_ apologized!" Black snarled.

The Ravenclaws and the Gryffindor girls were watching with interest. Remus had no idea what _that_ was about either and he took a few nervous steps back. _Magic isn't allowed in the corridors_, he thought, watching Black hold his wand. _Please don't_...!

"C'mon, Andy, he did apologize," Struthers muttered.

Spinnet looked at Black's wand then up at him. "It's not enough for what he called you. You want to duel, Black?"

"No he does not," Evans said, stepping forward. "Dueling is against the rules!"

"Careful, Evans, or he'll call you the same thing he called Dave," Spinnet sneered, glaring at Black who began trembling.

"It was an accident," he said, voice tense.

"Accident?! It wasn't anything such!" Spinnet lunged forward and grabbed Black by the collar, shoving him against the wall. "You're a Black, you don't belong in Gryffindor--"

"LET GO OF HIM!" Potter launched himself onto Spinnet's back. "HE'S APOLOGIZED!"

Spinnet stumbled back, gagging from Potter's arm crossing over his neck. Everyone was making noise and someone began chanting 'fight! fight! fight!'. Remus pressed himself against the far wall, watching in horror as Potter and Spinnet began spinning around, Spinnet trying to get him off. Potter finally fell off of him and Spinnet got his own wand out and flourished it at Potter.

"Locomotor mortis!" Spinnet said but nothing happened. Remus recognized the spell as one being down the line in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Stop!" Evans said, stomping her foot as Black went to help Potter up. "Stop it right now!"

Spinnet tucked his wand away and several students gave a sigh of relief but then Spinnet pulled back his arm, his fist going right for the back of Black's head.

"Locomotor mortis!" Remus had his wand out before he could think, and Spinnet was thrown to the floor with a cry of pain, his legs glued together. Students backed up even more, gaping openly at Spinnet on the floor then at Remus who was panting a bit heavily from the exertion of doing a spell he never tried before. Black and Potter stared at him too as Black pulled Potter to his feet though their stares were more admiration than shock.

"YOU--FREAK!" Spinnet shouted, struggling to pull his legs apart.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Spring appeared at the entrance to the staircase. "It's been a good fifteen minutes since class ended, you _all_ should be in your dorms at this point!" He looked at Spinnet and at his legs. "Who hexed you?"

"Lupin," Spinnet said. He grunted as Professor Spring lifted the spell off, and got up, brushing his pants off, eyes blazing.

Spring--and everyone else--looked at Lupin who still stupidly had his wand out. He slowly put his wand back in his pocket, face beyond red. _Oh no oh no oh no oh no_...!

"Sir, he was defending Sirius," Potter said, moving himself so he was between Professor Spring and Remus. "Spinnet was insulting Sirius and Lupin and then he--Spinnet, I mean--tried to use that curse on _me_ and then he tried to _punch_ Sirius when Sirius's back was turned."

"Potter jumped on me," Spinnet said, getting back to his feet, rubbing his hip.

"You threw Sirius up against the wall!" Potter snapped right back.

"SI-I-ILE-E-E-E-ENCE!" Spring roared in a voice nobody expected from the spindly ancient man. "First of all, a point from everyone's houses for _everyone_ still here for not going back to your dorms. That is, I believe... eight points from Ravenclaw, and ten from Gryffindor. Mr. Spinnet, did you try to curse Mr. Potter and try to punch Mr. Black as well as... throw him against the wall?"

Spinnet opened his mouth but Spring was giving him _such_ a look he quailed under the glare. "Y--yes," he admitted.

"Mr. Potter, did you jump on Mr. Spinnet?"

"Yes, sir."

"And what did Mr. Black do to warrant being thrown against the wall?" Spring asked, fixing his gaze on Black now.

"Sir, Monday he called Dave a vulgar word," Spinnet said quickly.

"And I _apologized_ for it!" Black insisted.

"I see." Professor Spring adjusted his glasses (which were just as spindly as the rest of him) and sighed. "Mr. Potter, five points from Gryffindor for physically attacking Mr. Spinnet. Mr. Spinnet, a total of ten points from Gryffindor for attempting to curse Mr. Potter and physically attacking Mr. Black. Mr. Lupin..." Spring turned to the tiny boy who was shaking from head to toe. "Fifteen points from Gryffindor for cursing Mr. Spinnet and using magic in the corridor."

Forty points lost from Gryffindor in one night. After only a week of school. All the Gryffindors looked distressed and several of them were shooting glares at Potter, Spinnet, and Remus.

"Now. Get. To. Your. BEDS!" Spring yelled and the students scattered.

Spinnet grabbed Struthers and stormed off, followed by the Gryffindor girls and the Ravenclaws. Evans gave Remus a rather frightened look before scurrying off. The only four remaining behind were Remus, Black, Potter, and Pettigrew.

"That was _brilliant_," Pettigrew said as they began walking.

"Lupin, that was amazing!" Black exclaimed.

"How did you do that? What _was_ that?" Potter inquired excitedly.

Remus just shook his head as he struggled to stop the tears from flowing. _I was in a fight. I broke a school rule. I used magic against someone else. I _attacked_ someone else._ At that lost thought he couldn't stop and the tears dripped down. _Mum and Dad are going to be so mad... what if they kick me out of school? I attacked someone! Okay, with magic, but still, I attacked them, what if Dumbledore decides I'm too dangerous? Why did I do that?!_

"Lupin... you all right?" Black cautiously put a hand on Remus's shoulder.

He jerked away with a gasp, as if the touch had hurt him. That's when they saw their dorm-mate was crying _again_ and Remus hated himself so much in that moment, and hated them for seeing him this. He took off running to get back to the Gryffindor tower as quickly as possible, wanting to run from _everything_ that happened. _Why-why-why_?! He kept seeing Spinnet's fist going for Black's head and his stomach twisted itself into knots. When he got to the tower he went right to the bathroom so he could throw up. After his stomach finished emptying he staggered to the sink to clean his mouth out.

_The worst part is... Spinnet was right_. Remus looked up at his pale, sickly looking reflection. _I don't belong in Gryffindor. It _was_ a pity Sorting. The wolf is the lion. Not me_. He slumped to the floor and hugged his knees, crying for quite a while before he was able to get himself to bed, long after even Potter and Black fell asleep.

*

Remus woke up very early, hoping--and managing--to get up before Black did. He rushed through a shower and getting ready for the day. Then he waited in the common room until seven am hit, the earliest first-years could go out. He ran down to the Great Hall and waited there until seven-thirty when the food first started appearing. He gulped as much as he could as fast as he could and then ran to the first-floor and spend the next hour and fifteen minutes outside the Transfiguration classroom, or at least that was his intention. Shortly after he got there McGonagall left her office to head for her own breakfast. As soon as she came into the corridor Remus looked up from his book.

"Good morning, Mr. Lupin," she said rather stiffly.

"G--good m-m-m-morning, Professor," he managed to respond, wishing to disappear. "C--could I t-t-talk to you f--for a m-minute?"

"Of course." She came over and sat down next to him. "Unless you'd prefer the privacy of my office...?" He shook his head and she waited in silence for him to start the conversation.

It took a moment for him to gather the courage. "Am I g--going to b-b-be expelled?"

"Expelled? Whatever for?" McGonagall asked, taken aback.

Remus sniffled. "Su--surely P-P-Professor Spring t-t-told you what--what happened?"

"He did," she agreed. "I understand he took points away? So why would you be expelled on top of having points removed? Really, if anything, you should have gotten detention but certainly not expelled."

"I at--tt-tacked someone," Remus whispered in a tiny voice she barely heard.

"So did Mr. Potter and Mr. Spinnet, from what I understand."

"Th--they're n--not like me," he said, finally getting to the point. _I'm a monster and I attacked someone, why am I still here_?

McGonagall sighed and carefully adjusted her emerald green pointed hat though it was already perfectly set on her head. "You are like them, Mr. Lupin. You're a first-year Gryffindor student, and that is precisely how I intend to treat you." His stomach began twisting again but not from fear or panic, from something else. Something that caused warmth in his chest. "I am not encouraging you to go around spelling other students, mind you, and if it happens again you will get detention." He nodded, understanding fully, feeling beyond pleased he wasn't going to be kicked out. That he wasn't in as deep of trouble as he had suspected. "Have you had breakfast?"

"Yes, Professor," he said, so happy that the words came out without any difficulty.

McGonagall rose and pointed her wand at the door to her classroom. "You may wait in there, if you wish. Don't touch anything."

Remus went into the empty classroom, to the same seat as last Thursday, and worked on the rest of his Transfiguration homework so he could hand it all in to McGonagall, wondering if she was going to take points away for it being late. When she came back at about twenty till class started he handed over everything and she went over it, grading it right there.

"Excellent work, Mr. Lupin, even from the class you missed..."

Both essays had a big fat O on the top. Outstanding.

Remus sat back in his seat, brimming with happiness. He wasn't going to be expelled _and_ he got Os. Okay so he lost fifteen points from Gryffindor but it wasn't the end of the world (sixteen, he realized, since he lost a point from still being at the base of the tower). _You're a first-year Gryffindor student_, McGonagall's voice repeated in his head.

_Don't get too cocky_, another voice whispered silkily in the back of his head, a voice close to his own only darker. _You're still a beast. A first-year Gryffindor student _and_ a monster. Don't think you're human for a second because you're not_. _You don't belong here_.

Remus arranged his book, ink, and parchment on his desk, keeping the smile on his face but feeling considerably less happy now.

*

"You weren't at breakfast... and you were gone when we woke up," Potter complained as they caught up to Remus after class.

"We wanted to see if you were okay," Black added. "You seemed really upset last night."

"No idea why, you were _so_ cool!" Pettigrew added. "Can you teach _us_ that spell?"

Remus hugged his bag to his chest, wishing they wouldn't do this, wishing they wouldn't trail after him and ask him questions and act like... like... _Friendly, why do they have to act so friendly_. "S'nothing," he mumbled. "Fine."

"Thanks for helping out," Black said, brushing his hair back from his eyes and giving Remus a smile. "Spinnet's a right git."

_Keep to myself, don't draw attention, don't do anything to cause risk, avoid any sort of duel or fight_... His mother's list of rules buzzed through Remus's heard. _Above all don't make any friends_.

"Hey, we were gonna go rig up some firecrackers in some toilets after History, you wanna come with?" Potter inquired. Remus shook his head. "All right, suit yourself. But you should avoid the bathrooms off the entrance hall for a while... for your own safety."

*

At lunch a post owl swooped in with an envelope for Remus since he hadn't been in the Great Hall for mail at breakfast. He recognized his father's handwriting and wondered why he hadn't used Arthur, then he realized the owl was one of the speedier species while Arthur was ancient and a bit slow. Remus took the envelope and saw it said **open in private**. Remus finished eating and went to a nearby bathroom then hesitated, remembering Potter's warning. Instead he went up to the first floor and found a bathroom there.

Inside the envelope was an article from the _Daily Prophet_. That was it. Remus frowned then cringed back, seeing his father's handwriting scrawled in the margins. _BE. CAREFUL._

The article was about a werewolf who had been captured by the Werewolf Capture Unit. She had been taken in and then found to be 'feral' so she was executed. Remus smoothed out the clipping and read it over and over and over. _The werewolf was found pretending to be a normal witch in a community with several children. _Several children was circled by his father.

_Feral_, he thought, finger tracing over the world. _Was she really or was it an excuse_?

_Oh._

He sat back realizing the exact meaning behind his father sending the article. _They probably called her feral since they were afraid of her living near children. Just like I am now._ He pulled his knees up, shaky arms clinging around them, no doubt in his mind anymore just how dangerous it was for him to be here. If he was caught he knew he would just be executed and claimed to be feral. He had a vivid image in his head of his classmates testifying against him.

_He can't even talk like a person_!

And then Spinnet's voice from the night before: _FREAK_!!!

Remus tucked the folded up article in his pocket and then closed his eyes, staying in the bathroom for a good long while.

*

Remus began sneezing as soon as he went into the Potions dungeons and he took a table at random, wondering how weird everyone would think he was if he wore something to cover his nose. The smells were very strong and assault-y today.

"Go on, budge over." Black sat next to him and Potter besides him, and they nudged at Remus till he scooted down for room for Pettigrew.

Slughorn talked a bit about the cure for boils and then began discussing today's lesson which was mostly a lecture along with having the students prepare some ingredients--mostly the same ingredients they used the previous week. Remus stared in horror at the pungeous onions being part of the ingredients that Slughorn passed around.

"Ewwww," Black said, poking at a jelly-like substance they were supposed sieve through, as there were black dots inside they needed. "Hey, James, it's a Slytherin," he whispered, using his spoon to move the stuff around. Potter choked on nothing and snickered. Black scooped a little bit up in a spoon and twisted around, pulling the top of the spoon back with one finger and let it loose, sending the stuff flying. It splatted on the Slytherin right behind them. Black and Potter began snickering once more while the Slytherin glowered before he pulled gloves on to get the gunk off his robes with a wrinkled nose and deep scowl. "Galleon if you eat it," Black said, scooping up some more.

"We're supposed to be sieving it, not playing with it," Evans hissed out. For some reason she was at the table behind them, with the Slytherin.

Black turned and acted like he was gonna launch the stuff at her. She gave a squeak and ducked behind her cauldron. "Leave her alone!" the Slytherin snapped. Black laughed and nearly dropped the spoon, which got Slughorn's attention.

"Mr. Black, what are you doing?"

"Trying to sieve it, sir," Black replied and plopped the stuff into the strainer and started trying to squish it through.

Slughorn clasped his hands behind his back, his stomach bobbing as he rocked on his heels. "And did you read the description of mugteller eggs?"

"Of course I did, sir!"

Slughorn nodded. "Good. So you're prepared for the sensation you'll be feeling in about five seconds from touching it with your bare hands?"

"Sens--aaaa--AAAHHHHH!" Black dropped the seize and began screaming as his fingers started turning bright red. "OWWWWW! OWW!!!"

Slughorn sighed heavily. "To the hospital wing with you, Mr. Black."

"I d--don't r---remember the way," Black stuttered out, watching the red streak across his hands towards his wrist.

"I remember, I can take him!" Potter said.

Slughorn eyed Potter and decided sending those two off together it would end badly. "Lupin, you remember the way, yes? Get him to Pomfrey, please. Thattaboy."

Remus grabbed his bag and left the room, a bit relieved for this miracle getting him away from those dumb onions. Black scurried after him and quickly overtook him due to his impossibly long legs. He paused and waited for Remus to catch back up. Remus gave him a rather annoyed look. "You went to the hospital wing multiple times, I don't understand how you..." He trailed off, realizing he was just _talking_ and with no problem, as if--but now that he realized, the words failed. "How y-you c--c-could f-orget."

"James was the one to get directions, I didn't really pay attention when we went," Black whimpered. "Why is it doing this to me?" He tugged back his sleeve as red began streaking up his wrists. "What exactly is this?"

"Poison."

"Ha-ha."

Remus pulled his bag higher on his shoulder and then raised his eyebrows. "N--no, it... is. You r--really didn't read th--the--the--info?"

Black stared at him in horror then at his hands. "Could we please walk a little faster then, Lupin? I don't feel so good."

Remus began going a bit faster though Black still couldn't walk full stride. "S'your own f--fault," he mumbled under his breath.

"Is _not_! It's Slughorn's fault."

"H--_how _is it po--possibly S--Sss-lughorn's fa-f-fault?!"

"....he panicked me."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, of--of--of course how silly of me to th--to think otherwise." Black grinned at him when he said that and Remus began blushing, uncomfortable about talking to him like that. Black obviously didn't mind but... "C-c-come on, b-before it g-gets to-to your heart."

"I'm going to _die_?"

But Remus just walked as fast as he possibly could and Sirius was finally able to take his usual long strides to stay by his side which infuriated Remus to no end and made him wish, not for the first time, he wasn't so small.


	12. Chapter Eleven - A Griffin-Door

_Dear Mum and Dad 10/9/71_

_Well, it's been a little over a week now. I missed Monday and Tuesday's classes but I've had five days, and have experienced all the classes so far except for flying which starts up on Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to it. Remember when I fell out of the tree and broke my arm so badly? I mean I was fine but ever since I've been kinda afraid of heights. Remember when you tried to get me to climb the apple tree, Dad, and I started crying? That's why. Heights kinda worry me. I know even if I fall I'll be 100% fine but I still don't like it. It makes my stomach all swoopy. The Gryffindor dorm is in a high tower and I want to sit on the windowsill and read but every time I look out... swoooop there goes my stomach. The Astronomy tower is the tallest tower in the whole school but the top is wide enough I don't have to be at the edge, and we look through telescopes _up_ and not down so it's okay._

_Three of my roommates keep trying to talk to me and I'm worried if I keep avoiding them that will make them suspicious. I know making friends is bad and I can't but they keep talking to me and if I keep pushing them away what if they start to wonder why? I don't want to be rude to them. Maybe I have to._

_I've been getting Os on all my homework so far except DADA (Defense Against the Dark Arts). I don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong there but I'm still getting passing grades at least. I'll try harder, I promise._

_It's been raining all day so the common room is really crowded. I should probably be up in the dorm but two of my dormmates are there and one of them really doesn't like me._

Remus started on the next line when there was a loud KABOOM!!! and instead there was a great slash of ink across the bottom of the page. Everyone in the common room was looking over at a sort of nook area where smoke drifted out. One of the prefects went towards the area as Potter and Black staggered out of the smoke, coughing loudly, hands waving the smoke from their faces.

"It's not so bad...!" Potter said.

Pettigrew stumbled out, soot all over him from head-to-toe making him almost as black-haired as his friends, and his hair stood on end, and his school vest and tie were slightly singed. "What did you do to me?!" he squeaked, grabbing at his hair. He tried to squash it down and it sprung back up. Several people began laughing.

"The spiked look is very punk," Black said coolly.

"You told me you'd make my hair _longer_!" cried Pettigrew, who had been mortally embarrassed ever since school started of the awful bowl cut his parents made him get. "You blew me up!"

"Did not, you're fine," Potter said, brushing some soot off of Pettigrew's shirt. "See? You're fine."

Remus couldn't help but give a bit of a snicker and withdrew farther into his chair, finishing off the letter.

_Anyway, Mum please don't worry about the house, it's really nice actually and I think having furniture to chew on helps me not chew on myself so much. We'll have to wait and see next time. It was a little rough this time around since I was in a new place and I think that upset the wolf._

_I really hope you're both doing well. I miss you both so much and can't wait to see you at Christmas!_

_Love Remus_

_PS Don't mind the big line across the page, there was a loud noise and I got startled._

*

Over the weekend Remus kept completely to himself or at least did his best to do so. He spent Saturday morning and afternoon in the library, finishing up all his assignments and then doing some research on how to make Potions easier. He didn't want to stop up his nose completely since he figured he'd probably panic if he couldn't breathe through his nose but he had to find _something_. There were a couple spells that might work and he carefully copied them down to try later. After supper he went to his dorm, knowing Evans and her friends would be in the library and he wanted to avoid them while at the same time wanting to join them.

When he got to the common room he found a bit of chaos as several people were standing on furniture while loads of other students were running around. Remus watched as a mouse ran by followed by an older student.

"Accio mouse!" someone else said and the mouse went flying and was promptly stuffed into a cage.

"Wh--what's g-g-going on?" Remus asked one of the first-year girls who was trying to study, her feet up off the floor.

"_Someone_ nicked a couple cages of animals McGonagall was using for Transfiguration classes and let them loose," Alice Colgate replied, giving him an annoyed look. "Three guesses as to _who_. Mice, toads, and--ah yes, rabbits," she added as a bunny bolted past them.

Remus sighed and went up to his dorm to find the culprits sitting on Potter's bed, laughing their heads off. Pettigrew's hair was at least mostly back to normal though the ends were still a little sticky-uppy. All three of them grinned as Remus came in, asking if there were still loose animals. "Y--yes... q--quite a bit," Remus replied, dropping his bag onto his bed. "Th-there aren't any up h-h-here are there?"

"Nah, just in the common room," Black promised. "Afraid of rabbits, are you?"

"D-deathly so," Remus said as he took his shoes off and then glanced up to see all three of them giving him anxious looks. "Th--that was--was s--sarcasm."

"Oh, whew," Potter breathed out. "Hey, wanna play cards? Peter's gonna teach us some Muggle card games."

Remus shook his head and then debated going down back to the common room, but didn't want to deal with the animals and chasing. Then he debated just going under his bed but he didn't want to seem any weirder than he already was, so finally he tucked his feet under him on his bed and went back to figuring out how to stop the scents being so strong in Potions. Almost right away static blasted and he glanced over to see Potter adjusting the dial on a fancy radio until he got to a rock station. Then Potter actually asked Remus if he minded the music, and Remus shook his head again.

It was actually rather nice, sitting there reading while the other three played cards and laughed. Remus had to bite his tongue to stop from laughing at some of the jokes they shared with each other. One particular word-pun-play one he couldn't help but laugh and then began blushing when they looked at him. He mumbled an apology and considered shutting his curtains but...

"Hey Lupin, what did the athlete use to cure his rash?" Potter asked and Remus frowned. "Quit-itch."

Remus snorted and covered his mouth. "Th--that's t-t-terrible!" he choked out between giggles.

"Lupin, which part of a centaur has more hair?" Black asked.

"Th--the equine ha--"

"The outside," Black cut him off and Remus began giggling even more.

"What do you call two Quidditch players who share a room?" Potter asked and Remus gave a helpless shrug, waiting for the pun. "Broom-mates." That set him off into more giggles.

"Hey Lupin, how do you get a fantastic beast into the house?" Black said and Remus just waited. "Through the... Griffin-door."

He slumped down, covering his face with his book, trying to stop from laughing. "Th-th--these are _awful_!"

"You tell one," Potter said.

"N--no, I--I--I d-don't know any," Remus protested.

"Oh come on, you've got to know at least _one_ joke," Black begged.

"Come on, tell us one!" Pettigrew added.

Remus wracked his brain trying to figure out a joke that wasn't too stupid or weird. Nothing really came to his mind, nothing as simplistically punny as the ones they told. They were all waiting though and looking at him and it was too much.

"Well, how about instead you join us for cards?" Potter said, noticing the look of panic in the tiny boy's eyes.

Relief swept through him. "N--no, th-thank you."

The three of them went back to their game and Remus went back to his book but, "Hey, Lupin?" Black asked and he glanced back up. "Why is the ceiling in the Great Hall enchanted to look like the sky?"

"Is--is that a--a literal--"

"Cause if it was enchanted to look like the ground it'd just be brown with a lot of worms." Black beamed as Remus once again snorted and giggled behind his book.

*

On Sunday Remus finally drew on his Gryffindor-ness and after supper went to the library. He stopped and started to turn back multiple times thinking _no, I shouldn't, I shouldn't_! Finally he slipped into the library, ignoring the glares the librarian gave him. He knew perfectly well why Mr. Farrow disliked him: the librarian was rather suspicious of anyone who spent an exorbitant amount of time in the library and since Remus had spent most his free time in there... that was him.

He crept through the aisles and came upon a table near the west side of the library. Evans was sitting at a table with a handful of other students. They were whispering about History class when Remus took in a deep breath and nervously went forward. "E--Evans?"

She turned and looked up at him with wide green eyes. "Oh, Lupin! Hullo! Come to join us?" She moved her books out of the chair next to her.

"Um, if--if--if--it's okay," Remus stammered as he sat down, hoping the other students wouldn't mind him there.

"It's fine, the more the merrier," Evans said brightly. "Do you know everyone here?" Remus shook his head. The only other one he could remember the name of was Matilda Twycross, also a Gryffindor and Evans seemed to understand she didn't need to introduce her. "This is Simon Bones," she said, indicating a red-headed Hufflepuff boy. "This is Kyra Pierce." Also a Hufflepuff, dark skin and long braids. "This is Raven Craft." A Ravenclaw with a scowl on his face, the one who had asked Remus why he wasn't a Ravenclaw after their first Astronomy class. "And Florence Buckling." Ravenclaw, very round with long glossy brown hair. "Everyone, this is Remus Lupin."

"We were just discussing Emeric the Evil," Craft said. "And the wizard that defeated him, and what caused it all."

"I mean, it's a bit obvious what _caused_ it," Pierce said, waving her hand. "He's not exactly known as Emeric the Enjoyable."

"I thought he was Emeric the Egre--Egrig--Egg something," Bones said.

"No, that's Egbert, the wizard that defeated Emeric," Evans said, flipping through her history book. "Egbert the Egregious. That's a mouthful."

"What does egregious even mean?" Twycross asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Bad," Remus said. "Er, e--evil..."

"What, so it's basically Emeric the Evil and Egbert the Evil?" Buckling asked.

"I thought Egbert was _good_ since he defeated an evil wizard?" Twycross asked, tapping her quill on her parchment. "I _wrote_ that he's a good wizard..."

That cast the lot of them (minus Remus) into a big discussion over Emeric versus Egbert and whether Egbert should be considered good for killing off an evil wizard, and what did he do to be considered egregious? The history book wasn't too clear and didn't even mention that Egbert wasn't a good person.

"Are you sure egregious means bad?" Evans asked and Remus nodded. "I'm going to see if another book has more information."

_No_! Remus thought as she left the table. He barely knew Evans but at least she talked to him on occasion, now he was left alone with a bunch of people he didn't know at _all_ and his heart began pounding heavily in his chest. Craft said something about why Evans was even getting a book about Egbert when the essay was on Emeric.

"Th--they are intrinsic--sically l--linked," Remus pointed out then gulped when Craft shot him a rather dark look.

"How can something be instinctively linked?" Bones asked. "What does that mean?"

"Intrinsically," Pierce said, elbowing him. "Errr... what does _that_ mean?"

"It probably means like... closely," Buckling said. "I think." She looked at Remus who gave an anxious nod and then slid a bit lower in his seat, wishing Evans would hurry up and come back. He felt like he was being judged for using that word, for knowing what egregious meant. He felt like he was showing off which wasn't at all what he intended. _I should be more careful with using different words._

Evans returned, dropping a big book on the table. "All right, I think I found out some more information..." She opened the book, flipping through about a quarter of the way through the book. "It says here that Emeric and Egbert got into a very violent duel and that Emeric was absolutely _slaughtered_ by Egbert, who then took something of Emeric's that gave him great power."

"Maybe whatever gave him great power turned Egbert evil," Bones suggested.

"It doesn't say much about what Egbert did before the duel but it _does_ say he went 'mad' with power so you might be right about that." Evans shut the book and sat back down. "He was killed shortly after."

"What does this have to do with Emeric anyway? The essay is about _him_," Craft complained. "We've gone completely off subject."

"They're linked," Buckling said. "Unless you're going to cut out his death _completely_ which, really, I wouldn't."

Craft's face went pinkish. "I was going to write about his death!"

Everyone began discussing various possibilities, and Remus found himself being sucked into the conversation though he didn't talk too much since every time he stuttered and tripped over his words he could feel everyone privately laughing at his inability to talk like a person. Except Evans. He wasn't sure why but whenever they sat together at meals it felt as if she didn't care he was a freak.

After Emeric, they moved on the their Potions homework and then DADA. Remus paid close attention for the last bit, wanting as much help as possible. _They know about what I know_, he thought, a little let down. _Actually, Craft is wrong about that bit. Maybe this Defense essay will be an O._

The group broke up at six-forty-five so everyone could get back to their common rooms before curfew. Remus, Evans, and Twycross went up to the seventh floor while the two girls continued discussing some things and Remus remained silent. He had enjoyed his time with the group for the most part, and decided he'd try to come again the next night. Plus he wanted to rewrite his History and DADA essays to include some more information he had gleaned from the study group.

*

Tuesday afternoon came far too quick and at ten till three Remus was walking with the other Gryffindors to an expanse of grass where a scowling witch was waiting with multiple brooms laying on the ground. Remus made himself sick dreading this lesson, and it didn't help that Potter kept bragging about how he already knew how to fly. He had his own broom, apparently, last year's model but he felt there had been no need to get a new broom this year since he'd be spending most his time at school and he wasn't allowed a broomstick.

"I hope the school brooms are all right," he said as they made their way to the teacher.

At least Remus wasn't the only one terrified. Evans and Struthers--the two Muggleborns--were really frightened. A few others seemed a touch worried too, but it was just the three that were really shaking as they lined up. Remus found himself between Potter and Pettigrew somehow, and wished he wasn't next to Potter cause he knew Potter would be showing everyone up. _Maybe he was lying_, Remus thought as Madame Hooch introduced herself and then snapped at everyone to stand by a broom and explained how to get the broom in their hand.

"Up!" everyone chorused and the only broom that obeyed was the one under Potter's hand. It flew upwards and he smoothly caught it.

_Orrrr he wasn't lying_, Remus thought miserably. His own broom hadn't even moved. "Up!" came another round and a couple more brooms made their way into the hands of the first-years. One of the Slytherins—a boy with sallow skin and greasy-looking hair—and Cassandra Inkwood, a black girl with a puffy ponytail from Gryffindor. Remus's broom trembled. "Up! Up! _Up_!"

Remus was one of the last ones to get a broom but not _the_ last. Pettigrew's broom was now rolling away from him, towards a hill. All the Slytherins and several Gryffindors laughed as Pettigrew had to go chase it down and return, blushing furiously.

"I'd run away from him too," a Slytherin said, not bothering to whisper.

Madame Hooch had everyone mount their brooms and went around, adjusting the seating and hand positions of almost everyone. When she got to Potter she gave him a narrow-eyed look then moved past him without saying anything, to correct how Remus was seated. Potter grinned.

"When I blow the whistle you'll kick off from the ground--hard--and rise up. Hover for a minute or so, then bring your broom back down by leaning forward. Up is up, down is down. I imagine that's simple enough even for you lot. Three, two, one...!" She blew her whistle and Remus kicked as hard as he could but nothing happened.

On one side of him Pettigrew tried jumping and fell over (causing Slytherins to laugh again) and on his other side Potter smoothly rose up into the air. Black and Inkwood also managed to get into the air without much trouble. Across from the Gryffindors there were four Slytherins in the air.

"I can't believe Potter got in the air with that big fat head of his," a Slytherin said loudly.

"I can't believe _you_ got in the air with all your hair grease dragging you down," Potter replied easily.

Hooch blew her whistle. "This isn't a Quidditch match, no trash talking. Come on everyone, _kick_!"

Remus tried again and the broom jerked upwards then went right back down into the ground and he fell. The Slytherins laughed at him.

"That's what you get for having a house full of dirty blooded idiots," one of Slytherin girls said.

"I SAID no trash talking!" Hooch snarled, clapping her hands. "Any more and you'll be kicked out of the lesson. Oh, Pettigrew," she sighed as Pettigrew's broom was trying to jerk out of his hands and then managed, sending Pettigrew onto the ground once more. Hooch had to summon the broom back and then had Potter come down and switch brooms with Pettigrew. Potter had zero issue getting this broom up into the air and he began zipping around until Hooch yelled at him for doing a loop-to-loop and showing off.


	13. Chapter Twelve - Bats Are Supposed To Be Furry Anyway

The rest of the week went by quickly for Remus as he immersed himself in classes, assignments, books, and the study group after supper. He still didn't talk much during the meetings but enjoyed the conversations about their schoolwork. Even if everyone else was doing better in Defense Against the Dark Arts than him...

Every single assignment he got back from Dedenne was covered in red marks with an A at the top. **You can do better than this**. _I can't since this is great work_, he thought on Friday afternoon as he stormed through the corridors. _It's not fair_...! He didn't know what to do, though. He didn't want to complain or go to anyone, he didn't want to cause any problems--if he did, they might feel he'd be better out of the school and he didn't... _couldn't_ give this up. He had to just keep pushing himself along and hope Dedenne didn't grade him too poorly for his exams.

As he went down a corridor he heard raised voices. Angry voices, like students prepared to fight. He hesitated, debating whether or not to turn around. _Just get to the library_. He hugged his books to his chest and plunged forward. Around a corner stood two Slytherins cornering Pettigrew who was quavering. Remus hesitated. The Slytherins were saying awful things. Calling Pettigrew weak and dumb.

"Not so brave without your friends, are you?" laughed the bigger one, a boy whose name Remus sort of recalled was Mulciber.

"Are they his friends though?" asked the other, named Avery. "Someone as pathetic as you? Friends?" The Slytherins laughed and then Avery pulled out their wand. "I think we should test out the spell we're gonna be learning in Dark Arts class soon..."

Remus couldn't stand it anymore. He didn't want to get involved at all but he couldn't let Pettigrew get hexed. He pulled out his own wand and did two quick flicks, whispering a spell he had accidentally learned while trying to find a spell to make his nose less sensitive to smells. Immediately hair began sprouting out of Mulciber and Avery's noses, growing at a rapid rate. Pettigrew's eyes got wide as the Slytherins' nose hair grew clear past their chins and wriggled about as if alive, causing them to sneeze and cough and sputter, and get tangled in their mouths when one of them tried to speak. Pettigrew took this chance to run off. Remus tucked his wand away and hid a snicker behind his hand before striding off.

*

That evening as soon as Remus, Evans, and Twycross returned to the common room after study group, they were jumped upon by Potter, Black, and Pettigrew. They basically grabbed Remus and dragged him off without any sort of explanation and Remus began freaking out as he was hauled up the steps and to the dorm. Potter was holding one of his arms and Black had the other and Pettigrew was behind so he couldn't escape that way. Part of him _knew_ they hadn't figured out his secret (they would have probably just gone to a teacher) however that's all he could think of which made him sort of like a bottle of soda pop shaken up about to explode as soon as someone took the lid off.

Once in the dorm they let go and he stumbled back, shaking rather violently, worried they were going to do something to him. He took a few steps from them, fingers tugging at the hem of his vest as he waited for the shoe to drop. They just looked _expectant_ like they were waiting for _him_ to say something. He began twisting the hem between his fingers.

"D--did I--d--do something wr-wrong?" he finally stammered out, face hot with embarrassment from not knowing what was going on and fear. He tried to think if he had done something to cross them. He had left a few books out on the floor... were they mad about that?

"Wrong?" Potter asked disbelieving.

"You were _brilliant_!" Pettigrew cried out.

"I wish I could have _seen_ them!" snickered Black.

Remus frowned, eyes darting from roommate to roommate, the fear of being beaten up slowly ebbing away. "I d--don't under... stand...?"

Pettigrew put his hand under his nose--fingers down--and began wriggling them. "Any longer and their nose hair woulda been as long as Dumbledore's beard!" Pettigrew giggled.

_Oh, that_. Potter and Black were both grinning form ear-to-ear and Remus finally stopped trembling. "I d--don't know wh-what you're t-t-talking about."

Pettigrew's hand dropped. "You were the only other one in the corridor. It had to be you. Nose hair doesn't just sprout out like that."

"Maybe they suddenly hit a really bad puberty," Potter said and Black made loud gagging sounds sending both of them into laughter.

"Come on then, Lupin, it sounds like a perfect spell for us to know. All the spells _I_ know aren't the sort to use for fun like that," Black said, a hint of darkness to his voice as he said that, as if he were ashamed of what he did know.

"I still don't get how you guys can even do so much," Pettigrew grumbled. "My dad always said underage magic was illegal and didn't let me do _anything_ or learn _anything_, said I'd learn when Hogwarts took me."

"My parents didn't care," Potter replied, pushing his hair back (which made it even messier than before). "They disapproved, of course, but... they didn't do anything to stop me from practicing. Course it's all pretty basic stuff. I can make things move real well, when we get to levitation spells I'll be on it."

"You must have been using spells left and right," Black said to Remus.

"I w-w-wasn't allowed t--to use any--any m-magic be--before," Remus admitted. He remembered the last time he tried anything. He floated a book over from an upper shelf and his father exploded, yelling at him, reminding him that if anyone got whiff of underage magic they might send a Ministry worker. _WE CAN'T RISK THAT_! Lyall had yelled while Hope cried. _YOU WANT TO GET CAUGHT_?! That was when Remus was seven, and he hadn't done anything since. Intentionally.

"Then how'd you know how to do that spell you did on them Slytherins?" Pettigrew asked.

Remus returned to twisting the hem of his vest in his fingers and he looked down at the floor. "I read," he finally said, knowing how snobby and egotistical it sounded but not knowing how else to say it.

All three of them looked at the books piled around Remus's bed and stacked on his desk and they all knew Remus's trunk was full of books too.

"So that's the key," Potter said in a rather aghast sort of voice as he rubbed his chin. "_Books_."

"I do my best to avoid'em," Black said.

"Same," Potter agreed and they both began laughing again and Remus glanced up, sure they were laughing at him but they seemed to be laughing at what they had said. Laughing at _themselves_. "Hey, in your book-reading-ness have you come across any sort of spell that is like... a timing activation spell? Like, you put the spell on something and it, er, goes off at a certain time or after a certain length of time?"

_Yes_, Remus thought. "Why?"

Potter and Black exchanged looks then both smiled innocently. "No reason!" they chorused, hardly able to hide their mischievousness.

"By the way..." Pettigrew gave Remus's sleeve a tug to get his attention. "Thanks for rescuing me. I d--don't know _what_ they were planning but it couldn't have been good. I thought I was done for."

"Yeah, thanks for rescuing Pete," Potter said and suddenly his arm was around Remus in a far-too-familiar sort of manner that made the panic and fear come back, frothing up inside of him and churning his stomach.

"Slytherins are the _worst_," Black said firmly. "They should be blasted out of this school. Hey, Lupin, you know how to do the blasting spell?" he asked suddenly, face lighting up.

"You c-c-c-can't bl--blast a st--student!" Remus half-shrieked, absolutely horrified at the thought.

"Not supposed to hex students either," Potter pointed out with a very wicked grin. "That didn't stop you."

Remus's face went brilliantly red and he shrank back a bit, as if wanting his too-big clothes to swallow him up. "I--th--th--that's--I--w--I was--that--that--I was--"

"Oh come off it, ignore James, he hasn't any manners," Black said, elbowing Potter. "You did the right thing. Protecting Peter. We're family."

Remus blinked a few times, at first thinking Black was meaning he and Pettigrew were actually related then realizing he was (probably) referring to McGonagall saying 'your house is your family'. That made more sense in the context. _We aren't, though. We aren't family. You're humans. I'm not. _"I w--wasn't going to--to let them..."

"Of course not," Potter said in an apologetic tone. "I was only teasing."

"You two really should have seen it though, all of sudden it just blasted out of their nose like--liek--like furry bogies!" Pettigrew laughed.

"THAT WOULD BE BRILLIANT!" Potter screamed so loudly all three boys jerked backwards, Remus dropping his school bag and putting his hands over his ears. "Lupin, mate, Lupin, is there? A spell? For furry bogies?"

"Bat-bogey hex mixed with a furry bogey hex!" Black suddenly gasped out.

Potter grabbed Black's arms and they began jumping up and down and squealing. "Lupin, come on, you're brilliant, you've got to know how to do something like that!" Potter said.

"I--wh--what?"

Then suddenly Potter was on his knees, hands clasped together. "You said so yourself, you read! I've no idea how to even start looking up anything like that. Please? Please? _Please_?"

"Bu--but--I--that--"

"Do you even know how to do the regular bat-bogey hex?" Black asked Potter. "Cause I don't, I've only heard of it."

"I've only heard of it too," Potter said, still on his knees. "We can practice and Lupin can figure out how to make it furry too."

"I--I didn't--that's--what?"

Potter got up on his feet and grabbed Remus's sleeve. "Can you come to the library with us tomorrow and help us find out how to do that? The regular one, I mean, I don't think there's anything for it to be furry. But you can probably think of how to do that, right? Furry bogies?"

"I--d--didn't--I--"

"This is going to be so brilliant!" Black had started laughing again and was bent over, smacking his thigh.

"I can see it now, furry bogey bats flying _everywhere_!" Pettigrew giggled.

"That--that sort of--that's a bit--" Remus felt like he had been picked up and dumped in an ocean, the undercurrents known as Black, Potter, and Pettigrew pulling him under until he was drowning in absolute confusion. "That's--advanced...!" he tried but none of them were listening to him at all, they were all talking about their prank idea and Potter and Pettigrew began flapping their hands around like bats and Black was practically rolling on the floor. Remus took a few more steps back and sat down on the edge of his bed rather hard.

_What_?!

*

In the morning Remus was certain the other boys would have forgotten all about the whole thing but after breakfast as he headed to the library for some studying he heard three sets of feet running up behind him.

"Left without us!" Black complained, coming to a halt beside Remus.

"Barely had time to _eat_," Pettigrew added, a buttery scone in one hand. Black reached over and took it, eating it while Pettigrew pouted at the loss.

"Come on, then, let's go!" Potter said and began running again. Black ran after him, Pettigrew following.

Remus watched them run and considered just returning to the common room instead of going with them. _This could only turn out bad_, he thought then made his way to the library. Black, Potter, and Pettigrew were all waiting for him outside the doors, Potter complaining at how slow Remus had been. _I'll help them find the bat-bogey hex and then they'll leave me_ _alone_, Remus decided as they went in. Mr. Farrow glared at the lot of them, especially Black and Potter who gave their patented 'I'm innocent!' smiles.

"Did--did you do s--something to m-make him mad?" Remus whispered as he led them to the hexing section.

"Dropped a dung bomb in here the other day," Black said, not bothering to whisper.

"Completely on accident," Potter promised.

Remus went down an aisle and began running his fingers across the spines. _Bat-bogey hex_, he thought, struggling to remember what he knew about it. Not much. He began pulling books out at random and checking the index. "D--do you know _any_thing about the--the hex?" he whispered. "Who invented it? Time frame?"

"It's recent, I think," Potter said. "If that helps."

Remus put the book back and went down. "That does help." He found a very new book on hexes though it was just information, not explanations. It _did_ give information about the bat-bogey hex. _Miranda Goshawk_, he thought, a little surprised. _The witch who wrote our textbook for Charms_. Muttering to himself as he had been this entire time (and not even realizing it) he put that book back onto the shelf and went back to the Gs. _Book of Spells_, he thought, knowing it wasn't in the _Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1) _pulling it off the shelf and flipping to the index. _A-ha_.

He moved to a table, barely noticing the three boys traipsing after him. He sat down and opened the book to the spell. "Here you go," he said, bending down to read the spell and information. "The instructions are fairly simple however it takes a great deal of practice, according to this. You cannot practice on animals as it could kill them, so you'll just have to do it on each other, I suppose." He turned the book and pushed it across the table to them and they were all just staring at him. "What?"

"You're not stuttering," Black said.

Remus flushed pink, having not even noticed. Of course that caused the problem to come back. "I was--it--we--well I just--it w-w-w-wasn't..."

Potter smacked Black's arm and whispered, "You shouldn't have said anything!"

"You don't need to be nervous around us," Pettigrew said, unwrapping a licorice wand. "If that's the problem." He broke up the candy into four pieces and handed them out without even asking if anyone wanted them. "You talk fine in class."

"You talk to ghosts too," Black said, popping the piece of licorice into his mouth.

"How d--do--do you know?" Remus asked.

"Seen you, chatting away with Nearly Headless Nick. Didn't seem to have any problem doing that. Not that I saw."

Remus felt rather uncomfortable at the idea of Black _watching_ him like that. "His--his n-n-n-name is Sir--Sir Nicholas," he scolded, focusing on that instead of the rest of it, not wanting to even think about the rest of it. Of Black noticing something like that. It seemed... not so good that the other boy was taking so much notice of Remus.

"You were talking to the Fat Friar too," Black continued, ignoring Remus. "From Hufflepuff. Just pretend we're ghosts, then."

"Th--that--that's not--n--w--well that's--"

Potter jammed his elbow into Black. "Ignore him, he doesn't have manners," Potter said, mimicking what Black had said about him the previous night. Black stuck his tongue out but was grinning. Potter grinned back and then turned to Remus once more. "Stutter if you have to, it's okay. Nothing wrong with that."

Pettigrew pushed the piece of licorice wand closer to Remus, assuming he just hadn't seen it. Remus picked it up, wanting to say food wasn't allowed in the library. But Pettigrew looked so earnest about sharing his candy that Remus slipped it into his mouth.

"So... okay first of all, let's check this book out and get out of here before someone sees us looking at this," Potter said, closing the book.

"If--if you ch-check the bo--book out and then people st--start getting h-hexed with th-that spell they probably c-c-could figure out it's you," Remus pointed out.

Potter slumped a bit. "So what do we do?"

"Rip the page out?" Black suggested.

"_No_!!" Remus hissed out, glaring at the brute.

"Nick the book?" Pettigrew offered.

"No!" Remus said, getting quite offended.

"I suppose I could write to my dad and ask him to buy me a copy," Potter said, tracing the spirally designs on the cover.

Remus rolled his eyes, exasperated. "Honestly!" He took the book and opened it to the hex then began pulling parchment, ink, and quill out of his bag. "You're all neanderthals!" He began carefully copying over all the instructions, ignoring the other boys beaming at him like he was sent from Merlin himself. Once everything was copied over in his scrawl he blew on the parchment until the ink dried then handed it over with a 'was that so difficult?' look on his face.

"Okay, okay," Potter said, folding it carefully up and sticking it into his pocket. "I guess we didn't really think about doing something like that.

Black leaned forward, silver eyes glittering with excitement. "And you're going to figure out how to make them furry, right?"

"I--... n--..." Remus felt a bit itchy and hot. He knew he should say no, he _wanted_ to say no... but the image of furry bogey bats flying out of noses was also quite tempting. Plus the possibility of actually _achieving_ such a complex spell... _that_ was even more tempting than anything else. It was very much so something he thought he could manage with plenty of research and practice. And they were giving him those eager looks again. Pleading with their eyes. Potter even clasped his hands together again and that tipped Remus over the edge. "Yes," he sighed.

"YES!" Potter and Black both shouted, giving each other high-fives and then promptly getting kicked out for making noise, followed by Pettigrew for having food in the library. Remus watched Farrow dragging all three of them out and then shook his head, smiling a little bit to himself as he went to do some fur-related research.


	14. Chapter Thirteen - Jeers and Tears

Remus had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts and studies that he barely noticed the rivalry going on between Gryffindor and Slytherin. He was _aware_ of it, and knew some of what was going on. Black slopping the eggs at the Slytherin in Potions, the Slytherins trying to attack Pettigrew, the words exchanged at Flying lessons... but that just seemed on the fringes of more important things like classes and essays. And Dedenne.

On Monday afternoon, after a particularly bad Defense Against the Dark Arts class (he got a P on his essay. A poor. **Try again and turn it in next time**) and he felt like he wanted to shout at Dedenne. He _knew_ his essay was perfectly fine! She _was_ being biased, he knew this now, he fully understood finally she was being completely biased against him. There was no ifs, ands, or buts. _She's doing this to me because I'm a werewolf_.

He walked down the corridors by himself as he had hidden near the classroom until all his classmates had gone. He didn't want anyone seeing how upset he was. Unfortunately this left him wide open for an attack.

"Hey, look!" said a voice that barely penetrated Remus's miserable thoughts. "It's a lion cub!"

Remus's steps faltered and he turned around to see some Slytherins coming towards him. Three of them. Mulciber, Avery, and a particularly brutish boy called Bulstrode. Remus's heart jumped into his throat and he began walking faster towards the staircase. He was practically running when they were running behind him and he was halfway down the stairs when they caught up to him. One of them grabbed him and pushed so he went tumbling down the remainder of the steps. He pulled his wand out, pointing up towards them, but they were fast and on him and Avery kicked his hand hard, sending his wand flying.

Remus tried to scramble backwards while two things battled inside of him. One was fear, seeing the gleam of bullying in their eyes. The other was the wolf who began pacing in his head, clawing at his soul. _Fight, rip, kill_! He began breathing heavily, head aching as he tried to push the wolf away. He had experienced the wolf trying to take control before outside the full moon however it had never happened so suddenly and so strong. He was worried he wouldn't be able to control himself.

"I don't think he's even eleven," Mulciber said, straddling Remus who had pushed himself up against a wall. "How old are you really? Ten? Nine?"

"What a _baby_," sneered Bulstrode.

"Wh--wh--what d-d-d-did I ever--ev--ever d-d-do to--t-t-to you?" Remus somehow got out which caused the three Slytherins to laugh, Avery doubling over from laughing so hard.

"Wh-wh-what did you say?" Mulciber mocked.

"Hey, Solonys, didn't you say your cousin taught you a really... _fun_ spell?" Bulstrode asked.

Avery began cackling in such a way that sweat broke out across Remus's body. "Oooh, yes, yes, yes," Avery giggled in a high-pitched manner. "Shall I test it out then? It's a perfect spell for a _baby_."

Remus lunged to the side to try and escape and then someone kicked him in the ribs _hard_. He cried out in pain and collapsed, curling into a little ball, clutching the spot. A few tears fell out and the Slytherins noticed and began laughing, chanting 'baby! baby!'. Then Avery nudged Remus over so he rolled onto his back. He pointed his wand and hissed out a spell and Remus had no idea what to expect but nothing happened. Avery frowned and tried it again, and Remus recognized some of the roots of the words, realizing Avery was most likely trying to make Remus pee himself. The spell was not working though (to Remus's great relief) so Avery put his wand away and then grabbed Remus, hauling him to his feet and dragging him off. Remus struggled and tried to get free while the wolf panted and slobbered to be released. Oh, he knew he could overtake Avery easily if he let the wolf take hold. He probably could take Avery on without the wolf guiding him. He had a strength to him beyond what a normal eleven-year-old should have.

He didn't want to use it though, didn't want to risk breaking any bones and raising suspicions, so he just struggled and cried as he was pulled into a large, old, empty bathroom. He was taken into a stall and before he knew it his head was down into the toilet water. He coughed and sputtered, the water flooding into his mouth. Then he was yanked out and pushed down to the floor, head just barely missing the ceramic.

"You're the most pathetic Gryffindor I've ever seen," Avery said, standing over Remus. "Can't talk right, always alone..." Remus pushed back, wedging himself between the toilet and wall, still coughing up water. "Don't even have any friends in Gryffindor, do you?" Avery continued. "You're _weird_, everyone says so." He reached out and took a handful of dusty toilet paper then dunked it into the toilet, getting it wet. He threw it right into Remus's face then got another handful and was going to throw when a ghost suddenly appeared out of the toilet, shrieking right into Avery's face.

Avery screamed and flung himself back, knocking into Mulciber and Bulstrode. The ghost swooshed towards them, arms outstretched, a horrible sort of wail coming from her mouth. The three Slytherins took off running, screaming in fear of this ghost they'd never seen before, not knowing if she could do anything to them.

Remus wiped the wet toilet paper off his face and then began crying because there was nothing else he _could_ do. He curled up into a little ball next to the toilet and sobbed into his arms. _What did I do to them?! Why did they attack me?! Why? WHY?!_

"Are you all right?" came a wispy sort of feminine voice.

Remus just kept crying, figuring some girl had just come in and was seeing him like this. He tried to curl up even more, wishing he could curl into such a small ball he'd disappear. Then something cold brushed against his back and he jerked, knocking his head against the wall.

"Ooooh," came the voice and he finally realized it was the ghost sitting on the edge of the toilet, watching him with interest. "It's okay. I understand _completely_. Crying is the best thing to do." She swung her legs, looking rather cheerful now, nothing like the horrible wailing thing earlier. "You haven't died, have you?" she asked quite avidly.

"....n--no?" he managed to get out, rubbing his head, tears still dripping.

"I wasn't sure how hard you hit your head," she replied, a bit of disappointment entering her eyes. "Keep crying, it really does help." He wondered if she was just teasing her but she didn't look like she was or even sounded it. "Crying always makes me feel better." She glanced over at the open stall door then back at Remus. "Have they bullied you before?" He shook his head. "Oh. I was bullied a lot when I was alive."

He pulled his knees against his chest, wrapping his arms around them, putting his damp face down against them. "I don't know what I did to them. I didn't do anything."

"Bullies don't need a reason, they just do it," the ghost said, rather hissily.

"I suppose so." He gave another loud sniffle and the tears finally started slowing down. He wiped his face on his sleeves and then pulled up his robes to try and dry the toilet water from his hair. "What's your name?"

"Myrtle," the ghost replied and then floated down to sit on the floor next to him, partially in the toilet. "What's yours?"

"R--Remus." He lifted his chin and studied her a little bit. _She doesn't look much older than me_, he thought, though didn't want to ask her anything about it.

"I heard what they said. They said you had no friends. Is that true?"

"Er, I--I suppose so. I--I'm sorry I should probably go, before someone comes. I d--don't want anyone seeing me crying."

"It's okay!" Myrtle said quickly, reaching out, her hand going through his arm. "This is _my_ bathroom. It's off-limits, you see. There's a sign up and everything to keep people out. Nobody comes in. Cry all you want."

"Your bathroom?" Remus asked.

"Uh-huh. I died here. Over there, in that stall down there," she said, pointing.

"Oh... I'm very sorry," he said honestly, and she looked quite pleased.

"Want to see?" He didn't really, but it seemed rude especially when she was being so nice to him so he nodded and got to his feet, following her farther into the bathroom. She floated in front of a stall, beaming. "Right there, my body was right there." Remus looked solemnly at the spot, no idea what to say about this, but Myrtle didn't seem to care. She floated up to perch on the door. "If you're bullied again you're welcome to come here. It's a girl's bathroom but it's okay, since it's mine. Or if you want to talk. Course I'm sure you probably don't want to talk to _me_."

"I don't mind," he said. "Ghosts are much more interesting anyway. When did you come to Hogwarts?"

She slithered down to the floor. "Nineteen-forty. I died in forty-three. I was in Ravenclaw."

"What was it like?" he asked.

"Dying?" she asked eagerly.

Remus blinked a few times and pushed his damp fringe out of his eyes. He had meant attending Hogwarts in the early forties. "Er, sure."

Myrtle gladly began talking about her death, and gleefully told him about how the girl who had bullied her found Myrtle's body. Remus sat down and listened to her, not wanting to leave the bathroom anytime soon. He was worried the Slytherins were still hanging out nearby, and he still felt very upset and on the verge of more tears with the slightest upset. Remus managed to get the conversation to what the school was like when she was alive, and she rattled on about her classes and teachers and it was so _interesting_ that he completely lost track of time until his stomach began rumbling. He was dry at this point and suspected he had been in there for an hour and a half, if not more.

"I'm really sorry," he said, uncrossing his stiff and slightly painful legs to get up. "It's getting late, I didn't even realize so much time has passed."

"You... enjoyed... my company?" she asked, floating next to him.

"Yes," he said. "You're nice to talk to."

Myrtle began giggling. "You're welcome to come back anytime."

Remus paused at the door, hand on the knob. "All right, I will," he said and she looked rather surprised as he left, as if that wasn't the response he was supposed to give. _Did I do something wrong_? He crept out of the bathroom and went hunting for where he had been attacked but unable to find his bag and wand. Someone must have taken them. _Hopefully turned them in_.

He went up to the tower first so he could get a shower and put on a clean uniform even though classes were over, then went down to the Great Hall for supper where McGonagall approached him almost the second he sat down. She handed him his bag with his wand poking out of a pocket, and of course wanted to know what happened. He considered just saying he had tripped except that didn't give an excuse as to why he _left_ the bag behind. So he just sat there in dumb silence while she waited.

"You should never let your wand out of your sight," she said severely.

"I kn--know, I'm ss-s-sorry..." The other Gryffindors nearby gave him curious looks except Black who was frowning.

"What happened?" she asked and Remus ducked his head, doing his best not to look at the Slytherin table. He didn't want to admit he had been jumped on like that and kicked and shoved down a toilet. McGonagall studied the back of his bowed head and then gave a small sigh. "Come with me, Mr. Lupin." He swung his legs around and trotted after her out of the Great Hall and to the side room where the first-years had been put before the Sorting. McGonagall folded her arms and gave him one of _those_ sorts of looks. "Did someone hurt you?" His side had long healed up from where he had been kicked but he felt a bit of a sharp pain there again as if she could see. Remus just stared at the ground. "I can't imagine why anyone would just abandon their wand. Books, perhaps; never their wand. Unless you were run off and couldn't get it."

"P--please," he finally whispered. "I'm fine."

"Mr. Lupin--"

"I'm fine," he said, again, clenching his hands into fists to try and control his emotions. "It w--was an accident th-that's all."

"An accident," she repeated and he nodded. "Was it Mr. Spinnet?"

Remus's head jerked up, eyes huge. "Wh--what?"

"Did he try and get revenge for you putting the leg-locker curse on him two weeks ago? Is that why you're protecting your attacker? Is it a fellow Gryffindor?"

"No! No, th--they were S--" he stopped himself quickly, biting down on his tongue, going brilliantly red. "It--wasn't Spinnet, it--I wasn't... attacked..."

McGonagall narrowed her eyes then yanked out her wand and Remus gave a fearful yelp, throwing himself back, however all she did was point her wand at the door and open it. Black and Potter tumbled in suddenly then lay in a heap on the ground, both of them looking quite sheepish. "Do you two know anything about this?" she asked, not bothering to lecture them about eavesdropping.

"No, Professor," Black said as they picked themselves up.

"We didn't know he was attacked," Potter added, giving Remus a worried look.

"If we knew we would have done something about it," Black said ferociously. "Lupin, come on, who attacked you? Was it Slytherins? Slytherins are twats."

"Mr. Black," McGonagall warned then faced Remus again. "There's no reason to protect anyone who has hurt you."

"I'm fine!" Remus said desperately, wishing it would stop. _You should tell her who did it and what they did_, part of his brain said. _No_! said a different part. _You can't cause any problems!_ He began shaking at being so pulled in two different directions, no idea which to listen to. _I can't cause any problems_, he finally settled on. _Pretend nothing happened, don't get involved in anything, don't give them reason to think you're not worthy of being here even though you aren't at all worthy of coming to the school_. "I'm fine," he said again, a calmer tone. "N--nobody attacked me."

"Mr. Lupin--"

"Nobody attacked me!" he snapped and Black and Potter exchanged slightly shocked looks at the tone Remus gave a _teacher_. McGonagall raised her eyebrows and pressed her lips into a thin line. "I'm fine. C... c-can I--I go now?"

McGonagall eyed the boy, wanting to say more. "Yes," she finally said and he scrambled out of the room before she could say anything else. He could still hear inside the room. Hear McGonagall ask the other two Gryffindors again if they had any idea, and Black insisting it had to be Slytherins, and then Potter promising they'd keep an eye on Remus, and McGonagall asked if they knew _anything_ and Black said Remus didn't talk to them and then Potter added 'he doesn't talk to anyone really'. Finally he was back in the Great Hall and the voices there erased any sounds outside the large room.

He slumped down at the end of the table and shakily began putting food on his plate, expecting he'd be joined... and sure enough when Black and Potter came back in they sat with him. They made light conversation at first, as did Pettigrew who came over to sit with them too. Then Potter tried asking Remus about what happened and Remus just ate in silence, not answering. _Stop asking me, just leave me alone_! he thought, stabbing a piece of chicken in frustration. Finally he chanced a glance at the Slytherin table, at Avery, Mulciber, and Bulstrode who were sitting together and laughing. Probably at him.

"Is that who did it?" Black asked, following Remus's gaze.

Remus turned his face back to his food. "No." Then Potter started to say something and he couldn't stand another second. He pushed his plate away and got up, leaving the Great Hall, ignoring their apologies. He stormed to the library and flung himself into a seat at the table they'd be using for the study group once the rest of the students left their meal. He put his books on the table and then dropped his head onto his Charms textbook.

"Pardon... may I sit here?"

Remus looked up and the first thing he saw was a Slytherin uniform. He jolted back, eyes going quickly up but it wasn't any of the three bullies, it was someone else entirely. A small, pale boy with long white-blond hair and pale blue eyes. Not as small as Remus, more the size of Potter. Then Remus eyed the Slytherin tie again.

The Slytherin set a stack of books on the table and slid into the seat next to Remus. "I won't hurt you," he said and Remus flinched. "I... er, heard them bragging about it in the Slytherin common room."

"Great," Remus muttered. His humiliation was being spread through the serpent house. It didn't really _surprise_ him, just made him feel weaker.

"I'm Aegis." The boy offered his hand and Remus didn't move. "Aegis Silverlocke. You're part of the group that meets after supper, aren't you?"

Remus reluctantly took Silverlocke's hand, a bit wary of his name. _Silver_. "Y--yes?"

"I... was... rather hoping to join." Silverlocke looked very awkward and began shifting in his seat. It was clear he wasn't sure if a Slytherin would be welcome, and Remus didn't know about it either. He wasn't in the mood for any Slytherins to be around after what happened however it wasn't up to him.

"I th--think Evans is the one who--who p-put it to-together."

"Which one is that?" Silverlocke inquired.

"The girl with the long red hair and green eyes," Remus said, though it was pointless to say this as he could hear Evans's footsteps coming towards them. He recognized the way she walked by this point. Light, quick, excited, as if she wanted to be everywhere at once.

"Are you talking about me?" Evans asked brightly, setting her books down. "Who's this?"

"Aegis Silverlocke," he said and offered his hand. "Would it be all right if I join the study group?"

Evans shook his hand and didn't even notice as Silverlocke uncomfortably began tugging at his tie as if he wanted to hide the fact he was a Slytherin. "Of course, everyone is welcome," she said. "The others will be around soon. Are you any good with potions?"

"I, er, suppose so," he said. "I'm no where near as talented as Snape however I've been doing well enough."

"Oh, good. Everyone else here seems to be struggling in that class."

"Except f--for you," Remus pointed out.

Evans's cheeks went a bit pink. "I'm not that good. I've been trying to convince Severus to join us, but he won't..."

Remus wondered who the heck Severus was. "No, you--you are v-very good. Slughorn s--said so himself."

Evans busied herself arranged her schoolbooks, looking beyond pleased. Slowly the rest of the group showed up and Silverlocke introduced himself to everyone. Bones, Pierce, and Buckling didn't seem to have any issue however Craft and Twycross both gave him rather nasty frowns.

"What's a _Slytherin_ want to do with us?" Craft whispered to Buckling as he took his normal seat. The table was pretty much always arranged by house. Remus, Evans, and Twycross on one side, Bones and Pierce at the end, and Buckling and Craft across from the Gryffindors. Remus wondered if the end across from the Hufflepuffs would be the Slytherin edge however Silverlocke remained seated next to Remus.

"Are you all right?" Evans whispered to Remus. "I saw Professor McGonagall approach you at supper and then you left, then came back, then ran out again."

"I'm f--fine," he said, hoping Silverlocke wouldn't say anything but the blond kept his mouth shut. "Let--let's work on o--on our assign--ments." He wanted to show everyone his DADA essay and ask if he really had messed up _that_ bad however he really didn't want them seeing that Dedenne didn't like him. That would raise questions, and he didn't want that to happen.


	15. Chapter Fourteen - Sawdust Doesn't Make Good Candy

Black and Potter didn't seem to want to drop the fact Remus had been bullied, and in the dorm that night they questioned him once more about it, wanting to know _what_ had been done and by _who_. Remus stuttered and mumbled and finally managed to get out that if they didn't leave it alone he wouldn't help them with 'the fur', speaking in code since Spinnet and Struthers were in the dorm too. That got the boys to shut up, though, and Remus studied in peace for the remainder of the evening until he was the last one to go to sleep.

_Running down the corridor, high pitched laughter behind him. BABY! BABY! LION CUB! BABY! The Slytherins were chasing him and cornered him, their wands out. They shot spells at him that just made him feel a lot of pain and then Bulstrode began kicking him. BABY! BABY! they chanted. Then the poltergeist showed up and began pouring vinegar out of a watering can over Remus, chanting with them._

_I'm not a baby...!!! Remus felt his dream-transformation. It didn't hurt even though it should and then he was a wolf, chasing the three Slytherins down the corridor. He chased them into Myrtle's bathroom and lunged, grabbing Avery by the ankle. Avery screamed and cried and begged Myrtle to help but she just floated near the ceiling saying bullies got what they deserved. Remus shook Avery violently, ripping his foot off, blood spraying everywhere._

_They'll be shocked when they see your dead body! Myrtle laughed at Avery._

_Remus stepped onto Avery and bent in, slobber and blood dripping into Avery's face. Remus opened his mouth over Avery's neck and--_

Lights went on in the dorm as Remus thrashed in his bed, screaming and sobbing. "No! No! No!" he cried out, getting all tangled in his blanket and then rolling out of his bed. He just lay there panting heavily as the other five boys surrounded him. "No," he whimpered, curling.

"You okay, Lupin?" Potter crouched down, trying to get the blankets off of him. "What happened?"

"He woke us all up again, that's what happened," Spinnet complained.

Black shot Spinnet a dirty look. "I doubt he did it in purpose."

Remus finally sat up, tawny hair a total mess, tears streaking down his cheeks. He could still smell blood then realized it was his own. He had cut himself on something when he fell. He quickly pulled his hand close to his body, cupping his other hand around to hide the gash. Potter was still crouched there, blinking sleepily behind his glasses.

"You okay?" He reached out, putting a hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus gasped and pushed himself back against his bed at the touch.

"Bloody hell, this is ridiculous, this is the second time and it's only been a couple weeks!" Spinnet growled. "If he's gonna keep this up...!"

"Shut up, Spinnet!" Black snapped back. "Go back to bed!"

There was a knock at their dorm door and Pettigrew stumbled over himself to get it open. There were three boys probably a year or so older, peering in. "We heard screaming, did something happen?" asked the boy in the front.

"Nightmare," Potter said in a rather authoritative tone while Black stood rather protectively in front of Remus. "That's all."

The three boys gave another curious peek around the dorm then left. Pettigrew shut the door and scurried back to the cluster of first-years. Remus felt awful for waking up not only his own dorm but the one down the hall. Spinnet began complaining again and then stomped off to his bed. Struthers gave Remus an anxious glance then returned to bed as well.

"I'm f--fine." Remus got to his feet on his own, ignoring Potter's proffered hand. "D-d-didn't m--mean to w-w-wake you. I'm s-sss-sorry."

"Not your fault," Black replied immediately and a bit loudly for Spinnet to hear.

"Mate, you don't look so well," Potter said and Remus turned to glance at the mirror, seeing he looked almost as pale as he normally did when it was the full moon, the shadows under his eyes just as bad.

"It w--was a b-bad nightmare," Remus mumbled and rubbed his eyes. "I'll be--b-be okay. Sorry," he added again for good measure and then climbed into bed, shutting the curtains. He heard Spinnet muttering complaints and then Black, Potter, and Pettigrew going to _their_ beds. He heard Pettigrew ask the other two if they thought Remus was really okay, and Potter saying he didn't think so, and Black saying he thought Remus needed to see Pomfrey again.

Then after about ten minutes when everyone else seemed to be asleep Remus could hear Black and Potter talking about him. Wondering what was wrong. Remus began chewing at his fingernails. It wasn't even a month into school and already people were becoming suspicious of him. _I'll have to do better. I'll have to try and--and..._

And what? He had no idea how to be a person. He could only talk normal with ghosts or when he wasn't really noticing he was talking to someone. _Just try and be normal. Whatever that is_...

*

Tuesday afternoon held another flying lesson and Remus clutched at his broom desperately, not wanting to go the ten to twelve feet in the air they were supposed to. The worst part was they had an audience. A group of fifth years had been walking back to the castle when they noticed Potter doing a particularly fantastic barrel spin to the ground and jerked the broom up just before crashing, which earned a great deal of angry shouts from Hooch. But most the fifth years had seen it and were now stopped, watching the class with interest. Watching Potter. Which egged him into showing off some more. He flipped his broom upside down and flew along hanging off the bottom, then flipped it back around and did a dizzying forward spin. Hooch yelled at him again and he coolly responded he was only eleven feet off the ground just as she asked.

"What a show-off!" Evans drifted over next to Remus and was watching Potter with a wrinkled nose.

Potter was now standing on his broom, arms out, balancing easily. The fifth years were clapping and enjoying the show, and Potter was flushed with enjoyment. He jumped and there were several gasps but as he fell he grabbed hold of the broom and swung himself back up, his feet just barely brushing the tops of the grass. More applause, from some of the first years too.

"POTTER THAT IS ENOUGH!" Hooch yelled, blowing her whistle. "IF YOU CAN'T SIT ON THE BROOM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE YOU ARE LEAVING THIS LESSON IMMEDIATELY!"

Potter promptly got into a proper seated position and gave Hooch an innocent smile. "Sorry, ma'am!"

"It's incredible he can do all that with an old school broom," Remus heard one of the fifth year Gryffindors say.

"He better be trying out for the team next year," added another Gryffindor.

With the wind and the distance of the students Remus figured Potter hadn't heard them however Potter did stand up on his broom again the second Hooch's back was turned and did a quick bow before slipping back into a regular position. The fifth years clapped and Hooch spun around, glaring suspiciously at the bespectacled boy who still had that infuriatingly 'who, me?' smile on.

Black was laughing uproariously.

"Madame Hooch, if all this class is for is to make us watch Potter show off then can we skip the next time?" one of the Slytherins asked.

"I wasn't doing anything," Potter complained. "Just because _you_ can't fly worth beans doesn't--"

"I can fly," the Slytherin snarled, face going rather pink.

Then Potter was upside down again, looking like a messy-haired sloth. "Can you really? Shall we test it?"

"POTTER, I'VE WARNED YOU!"

"Madame Hooch, could we have a race?" Potter asked hopefully.

"NO YOU MOST CERTAINLY CANNOT! NOW GET DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

The fifth years let out a disappointed sigh and Potter did a sort of loopy flip, slithered off his broom and landed expertly on the ground, swinging the broom over one shoulder in a very heroic pose. The fifth years and half the first years clapped and Hooch barreled over, snatching the broom from his hand and giving him detention. Potter didn't seem like he cared.

"What a twit," Evans muttered.

Remus returned to his own flying, unable to argue with that statement.

*

Remus spent the rest of the afternoon working on homework in an empty corridor while Sir Nicholas floated nearby and talked to him. Remus kept glancing up and asking questions to which Sir Nicholas proudly replied, supplying the boy with quite a bit of information about what Hogwarts was like in the fifteenth century. Then he made a brief mention of the court, and Remus dropped his quill, staring a the ghost in absolute awe.

"You--went to court? With Henry the seventh?!"

"Oh, yes, dear boy, I _am_ a _Sir_ Nicholas, it's not just made up for fun you know."

"You were _knighted_?!" Remus hadn't even considered this before and he scrambled to his feet, excitement etched on his young face. "You met King Henry the Seventh? What was it like? What was the ceremony like? What did you wear? What did _he_ wear? What--"

He stopped as footsteps came down the hall and Evans appeared. "Oh! There you are. Professor McGonagall said to tell you that Professor Dumbledore needs to see you. It's an urgent matter." Her green eyes were full of absolute curiosity but Remus had no idea what it could be about.

"Th-th--thank you," Remus said, picking up his things. "Wh--where's his o--office?"

"I have no idea," she replied.

"I can show you the way," Sir Nicholas said, "however I'm not too sure of the password. I suppose we can find out when we get there."

He began floating along so quickly that Remus had to run to catch up. As it turned out it wasn't too far, just up a flight of stairs and down a brightly lit corridor. Sir Nicholas stopped at a statue of a gargoyle. "Here we are. I'll nip up and let him know you--oh." The gargoyle stepped aside revealing a circular stone staircase. "I suppose he knows you're here, then. Good day!" Sir Nicholas tipped his head and floated off while Remus started climbing the staircase, shaking hard. Then he gave a yelp as the staircase began moving on its own.

_I'm being expelled_, he thought as he traveled upwards. _That's got to be what it is_.

At the top of the staircase he went to the door and knocked. "Come in," he heard the headmaster say.

Remus took in a deep breath and nervously stepped inside. Dumbledore's office was large and circular in a twisty way, clearly one of the many towers. There were loads of portraits on the walls, quite a few bookshelves, and dozens of odd looking objects sitting about including one silvery spindly thing that Remus backed away from, feeling it in his bones that it was pure silver. Then he saw a rather grand perch with a brilliant scarlet bird. _A phoenix_, he thought, impressed.

"Have a seat."

Remus turned to look at the headmaster sitting behind his desk, his blue eyes twinkling rather merrily. This was the first time being in his immediate presence since the time he gave to the Lupin household over the summer. Remus sat down in a chair, keeping his bag in his lap so he could cling to it. "You n-n-n-needed to--to see--see me, sir?"

Dumbledore clasped his hands together and looked down his very long, crooked nose at the boy. "There's no need to look like you're being force fed skele-gro, Remus. You're not in trouble. You're not being expelled."

Remus jerked a bit at the accurate reading of his thoughts though he remained sitting quite straight. "Wh--w--what am I d-doing here?"

"I asked you here for two reasons. The first being I am merely wondering how you are doing. Settling in well? I've heard from quite a few teachers you're pretty much the top in most of your classes."

"Err, ah, I--y--I--I su--suppose so. I mean, y-yes, Sir, I'm se--settling in fairly well, I--I think." Remus clutched his bag tighter, heart hammering away. He still felt like something bad was about to happen.

"Enjoying your classes?" Dumbledore asked, opening up a box of candy and offering him one. "Sugared orange slice?"

Remus didn't feel like eating but took one any, to be nice. "Y-yes, Sir, I--I love them. It's won--wonderful l-l-learning about every--thing. I n-n-never imagined I c-c-could." He put the slice in his mouth and chewed. It tasted almost like sawdust from all his nerves.

"It's terrific seeing such a keen young mind," Dumbledore said and flipped an orange slice in the air and caught it in his mouth. Remus raised his eyebrows a bit at that. It didn't seem very... dignified. "Having fun outside your classes? Making friends?" He said this last bit as if he already knew the answer.

"N... no, sir. I mean, y--yes sir. I mean... y--yes to--to the f-fi-first bit, no to--to the second," Remus said, keeping his face blank as Dumbledore offered him another bit of fruit. He took it and put it in his mouth, chewing on the sawdust.

Up went another slice, disappearing into Dumbledore's mouth when it came back down. "I got it to the ceiling once," Dumbledore said with a wink. "Am I right in guessing you're afraid to make friends?"

Remus stiffened. "Yes," he answered flatly. "I--I'm n--not exactly in a p--position to go-go-go about getting chummy wi-with other students. N--no thank you," he added when Dumbledore offered him another bit of fruit. "I don't th--think my taste buds are--are up to-to trying anything r--right now."

"Sawdust?" Dumbledore asked and Remus frowned. "That's a relief, I thought something had happened to my own tongue. These must be the joke ones." He closed up the box and rummaged in his desk till he brought out an almost identical box. He opened it up and popped an orange slice in his mouth. "Yes, much better." He offered one to Remus who shook his head. "Just because you've got a deep secret doesn't mean you should avoid everyone. I think you'll find life might be a bit nicer if you let someone--or a few someones--in."

"Professor, I--I ca--can't."

"Hmm." Dumbledore sat back and began stroking his beard. "I cannot _force_ you to make friends, just... suggest heavily you keep your mind and heart open."

"It's--"

"The second thing," Dumbledore plunged on, quickly getting up and clasping his hands behind his back as he walked over to the window, "speaking of open minds, is something I've only just thought about this morning. I was having a rather interesting conversation with Rubeus Hagrid regarding dancing pumpkins for Halloween, when I realized I had overlooked something regarding your safety." He spun around and gave Remus an intense stare that felt like it was penetrating into his skull. "Did you enjoy your chat with Sir Nicholas?"

"S--sir?" he asked, confused at the change.

"He was telling you about his time at court, wasn't he?" Dumbledore asked and suddenly Remus realized what happened. It froze him to his very core and he felt almost like he might wet himself with terror. "Yes," Dumbledore said, seeing the look on Remus's face. "I've taken a peek into your mind. Not too deep, mind you, just to show you what's going on."

"You read my mind?" Remus whispered, the ice thawing enough to send him into violent quakes. _He read my mind? People can do that_?

"Not 'read' per say, however close enough," Dumbledore assented. "It is called legilimency and... it isn't a common gift, or a common talent for those who pursue it. However there are many who _do_ know how to slip into someone else's mind. Which... for someone like you..." Dumbledore trailed off, letting the words dangle in front of the absolutely terrified child.

"How--how--h--how do--do--" Remus stammered, words tangling as he tried to express himself through the hysteria. Tears sprang up. "How--how do--do--how--"

"It's called occlumency," Dumbledore answered, sitting back down at his desk. "And while it is a bit advanced... you can start to learn it now though I don't think you'll manage well until you're a bit older since you're not a natural born occlumens. That is why you will be trained, during your time here. I know of a witch who is rather good at both, who can teach you. Whom you can _trust_, as she will need to know your secret. Now, you don't need to accept this training--"

"No!" Remus gasped out, his voice getting higher and more ragged with each messed up word. "No. I mean--yes--I mean--please--Sir--I can't--I don't w-w-want anyone... s--see--ss-seeing my--seeing into--"

"That is what I thought," Dumbledore said gently as the boy was wheezing now, unable to say a single word more. "Please calm down, Remus. I'll contact my friend and she will begin lessons with you as soon as possible, if she's so inclined. I trust her with your secret, if you trust me?" Remus nodded vigorously. "Excellent. And try not to agitate yourself too much in the mean time. There are very few here who can perform legilimency and none, to my knowledge, would ever perform it on another student. However if you find anyone staring deep into your eyes either they're trying to get in your head or else are mesmerized by your unusual eye color."

Remus breathed in and out as steadily as he could, trying his hardest to calm down though he doubted he'd ever feel calm again after this news. "Th--thank--th-thank--thank you, S--s-sss-Sir," he managed somehow to say. There were tears on his face still as he bent forward, hair falling across to try to hide them. _I didn't know this was possible, I never knew... reading minds... if someone reached in... and saw my secret... I always thought I had to be wary of external attacks, never on my mind_!

"Remus..."

He looked up and brushed his cheeks with the back of his hands.

"You'll be fine." Dumbledore promised.


	16. Chapter Fifteen - A Couple Very Bad Days

"Hey! Professor McGonagall said that Professor Dumbledore needs to see you," Potter said the second Remus sat down for supper. He and the other two had been farther down the table only they moved when Remus took his seat, to join him.

"Th--thank you, b-b-but I know, I've--I've been to s-ssee him," Remus said.

"What did the _headmaster_ want with you?" Black whispered, leaning in very close to Remus. "What did you do?"

"_Nothing_!" Remus squeaked, inching away from Black's face. "It--it was--it--" He struggled to think of an excuse and then landed on the perfect one. "About my--my mother. She's ill, y--you see, and sometimes she gets these really bad relapses. P--Professor Dumbledore w-wanted to let me know if--if I needed to leave to--to go see her, I could. So if s--something happens, it's all arranged." There! Perfect excuse! And a perfect excuse for when he needed to disappear every month!

"Blimey," Pettigrew gulped. "Is she all right? I mean, I--I guess she's _not_ but... is it... really that bad?"

"Sometimes," Remus said quietly, knowing if he fobbed it off as nothing too serious then his lie wouldn't make much sense. "I l--like being with her when it's r-really bad. I know I d--don't do anything but... we both feel like it helps."

"I'm really sorry," Potter said, brow knitted together in concern. He put his hand on Remus's arm in an attempt to be comforting.

Black remained silent, silver eyes boring into Remus as if he knew Remus was lying. There was an unreadable expression on his beautiful, aristocratic face that made Remus wish he could perform legilimency! He was dying to know what Black was thinking about this.

Evans suddenly appeared, pushing Potter roughly away from Remus and sitting in his place. "Oi! Watch it, Evans! Merlin, you could probably beat a troll in arm wrestling!" Potter complained, as he had been pushed clear off the bench.

Evans ignored him. "Is everything all right? You aren't in trouble, are you?"

Remus promised he was fine and repeated the lie he had told the boys. Evans then did something Remus never in a million years expected: she hugged him. Remus just stared wide-eyed over her shoulder at Potter who was sitting on the bench once more. Potter grinned and began snickering.

"I'm so sorry," Evans said, letting go but keeping her hands on his arms. "If there's anything I can do to help--I know I really can't, but if you need me, I'm here for you."

"Th-th-thank you," he got out, very uncomfortable from the contact and trying his best not to show it since it _had_ been nice of her. Unfortunately the hug garnered undesired attention from down the table and that night in the dorm Spinnet began teasing Remus about his 'girlfriend', and Potter, Black, and Pettigrew actually teased a bit too, asking him if he enjoyed the hug, joking about the study group just being an excuse. The only one not teasing was Struthers, though Remus got the feeling if Black and Potter weren't teasing him, Pettigrew wouldn't have either.

"Lupin and Evans sitting on a broom! Kissing and hugging and flying to the moon!" Potter sang a wizarding rhyme, dancing around.

The mention of the moon caused heat to flare up in Remus's face, and the wolf to stir just slightly. "St--s--stop!"

"First comes the romance!" Black sang, spinning in circles. "Then comes the wedding dance!"

"Then comes the changing of their baby's pants!" Black and Potter finished together, falling over laughing while Remus grew redder and redder. Pettigrew and Spinnet were laughing too.

The anger grew and felt like it might spill over. It overtook the feeling of wanting to cry briefly, and urged Remus to just hex Potter and Black, making their legs stick together, topple them. He stood still, pushing back the need for revenge. Protecting was one thing, revenge was quite another. _I should have let Spinnet hit Black!_ Remus thought furiously as Black and Potter started on their song again.

_No_, he commanded the wolf as it clawed at him. _No_! Instead he grabbed his school bag from where he had tossed it on his desk and flung it over his shoulder. "You two can do your _own_ research then, if that's how you feel about it, you--you--you poisonous bunch-backed TOADS!" With that insult thrown out he stormed out of the dorm, fleeing down the staircase and into the common room. There were plenty of students still up since it was only around eight in the evening, and Remus went to one of the little alcoves and slipped behind an armchair, hiding easily. He sat cross-legged on the floor and angrily yanked his books out of his bag.

_How could I ever think to help them!_ he thought as he slammed books down. _They're both absolutely horrible_!

He peeked around the armchair and saw Black had come down and was looking round. He began asking around but nobody had seen the tiny boy disappear behind the chair so Black had to retreat back to the dorm, his mission failed. Remus settled back down and angrily began working on an essay even though he could hardly focus. Then the tears came _again_ because all he seemed to be able to do was _cry_. Sometimes he wondered if it was because of the wolf, or if he was just a baby like the Slytherins and Peeves the poltergeist accused him of being.

_Dear Mum and Dad_, 21/9/71

_The other boys are teasing me and it makes me so mad! I haven't done anything though, don't worry, I just left the room. I wanted to shake them but I didn't I was very good. They were just so rude. It's better that they're teasing me though instead of trying to be my friend._

_Professor Dumbledore talked to me today. He told me there's a type of magic called le-jil?-eh-mancy (probably lejilimancy or legilimancy, the G seems more proper) where someone can read emotions and memories and stuff. He said there's something called och-leh-mancy (oclimancy?) for the person to protect their mind. He said it's not very common but thinks I should learn the oclimancy just in case I ever need it. I never thought of needing to protect my own thoughts._

_In Transfiguration McGonagall gave us a test where she dumped an entire matchbox full of matches on each desk and wanted to see how quick we could do them all and I managed them the fastest, and even transfigured a couple at the same time. McGonagall said she was impressed with my work and gave me ten points for Gryffindor. We have an exam in Potions on Thursday which I don't think I'll do well on._

_Dad, do you know of any spells that can help me not smell things so strongly? That's my biggest downfall making potions. I've been trying to research it on my own in my spare time and haven't found anything though I have found a few rather wicked hexes including a nose-hair-growing one and one that makes someone start sneezing pudding._

_I miss you both and love you both and can't wait till Christmas. _ _As much as I love it here... I am getting kind've lonely although the ghosts have been very nice to me._

_Love always, Remus_

*

Remus didn't return to the dorm until nearly midnight. He paused at the door and listened in, making sure everyone was sound asleep, then crept in. He got his pajamas, went to the bathroom to change, and when he came back Black was awake and sitting up. Remus froze and then kept going, pretending like he didn't notice the other boy. He tossed his uniform in his laundry bin and then got into bed, shutting his curtains and laying down.

He could hear Black get out of his bed and cross the few feet over to Remus's bed. "Psst. Hey, Lupin. Pssssst. I know you're still awake, nobody can fall asleep in five seconds. Come on, open up."

"Go away," Remus whispered back. Black opened the curtains and Remus rolled over, glaring at him. "I said go away! Hey! S--stop it!" he complained as Black just climbed up into Remus's bed and knelt there.

"I'm sorry," Black said.

"For what, invading my privacy?" Remus demanded, keeping his voice low. He was tempted to just shove Black out of his bed onto the floor and probably would have if he didn't care about making noise and waking the others up.

"For teasing you." The moon was waxing crescent--only the tiniest of slivers in the sky--so the dorm room was very dark. Still, Black's pale skin nearly glowed in the darkness and Remus could see those penetrating silver eyes.

"Go away," Remus finally said and then rolled over, his back to Black.

"Hey, look, I--I'm not good at apologizing." Black scooted closer to Remus. "I don't do it often so give me a break."

"It's not that your apology is bad, it's that I don't care right now," Remus muttered into his pillow.

"What's a back-bunched toad?"

Remus opened his eyes again and twisted around to stare at Black. "_What_?"

"You called us poisonous back-bunched toads, what are they?" Black asked, tilting his head.

"Bunch-backed," Remus corrected. "It's nothing. It's an insult. From Shakespeare."

"It was a good insult. Mind if we use it on the Slytherins? I bet they wouldn't like being called poisonous back-bunched toads."

"_Bunch-backed_."

"Right. So, erm, apology accepted?"

_No_, he thought, twisting back around so he was facing his curtains. "Just go away. Please."

He could feel Black staring at him then Black left the bed but was _still_ staring at him. Then after what felt like an eternity, the other boy shut the curtains and returned to his own bed. Remus gave a little sigh and rolled onto his back, one arm flung over his head as he stared intently at the ceiling, pondering the fact he had hardly stuttered at all during that exchange.

*

Wednesday Remus did his best to avoid the other two and their attempts to apologize. Black didn't actually say the words again though Potter did multiple times. _They just want me to do their research for them_, he thought during Charms, angrily turning his wand on and off as they were working on the lumos/nox spells again. His wand was the brightest in the room, as the lights had been turned off so Flitwick could see how far everyone was coming. By this point pretty much everyone was able to get some sort of glow. Pettigrew's wand was very faded and kept blinking like a firefly. Remus's wand was almost as bright as Flitwick's, and stayed true. Evans's wand was fairly bright and only flickered on occasion. To Remus's annoyance, Black and Potter seemed to be able to do the spell really well too although they were taking this time to have a mock sword fight with their lit-up wands.

"Can we write words in the air?" Potter suddenly asked. "I want to write 'Snape is a big git' in the Great Hall," he added in a very hushed whisper to Black so Flitwick wouldn't hear, and Black giggled.

"There is, however it's a bit advanced and not something you'll be learning for a couple years," Flitwick said and Black and Potter grumbled.

At lunch Remus snatched a sandwich and ate it on the way the library. He wanted to find out more information about what Dumbledore had talked about, and found a small section dedicated to legilimency and occlumency. Remus took a couple books and sat down in the aisle, flipping through. A lot of it was in older language and difficult to read though he was able to follow along fairly well. _I don't want anyone finding me here though_, he thought as he heard some students nearby. He wondered if Mr. Farrow would get suspicious if he checked it out. _Only one way to find out_. He chose one book on occlumency and went to the desk. Mr. Farrowed eyed Remus in a very mistrustful manner however he signed the book out and Remus left.

He found a nice quiet corner somewhere and began delving into _Protection Charm Your Mind: A Practical Guide to Counter Legilimency_. He soon became very wrapped up in the words before him...

** _Occlumency is the ability of closing one's mind against legilimency. An ancient spell, it can stop a Legilimens from entering one's thoughts and feelings, as well as influencing them. A person who uses this art is known as an Occlumens._ **

**_Advanced Legilimens can perform legilimency silently and even without their wand however most must use the spell (Legilimens) to successfully enter their victim's mind. A Legilimens will be able to sense if the person is lying and be able to explore their emotions, thoughts, and as well as—and most commonly—memories_.**

Remus shuddered at that, imagining someone entering his mind and reading a memory of his transformation. Of Dumbledore standing in his living room stating 'lycanthropy'. Of his mother sobbing and hugging him and promising she loved him even though he became a monster once a month. Then his eyes fell on a line that worried him.

** _The more emotional a person is, the harder it is for them to successfully perform occlumency._ **

"Merlin," Remus said, drawing his knees up a bit and glaring at the text as if it were all the book's fault. He cried easily, his emotions always got the better of him. The only one he could vaguely control was his temper and that was only because he knew what would happen if his temper was lost. _What if I can't do this then? What if because I'm such a crybaby I'll never be able to protect myself mentally_?

The worst part was thinking this made him feel like he might start crying again however he did manage to keep himself from doing so. He shut the book with a great sigh and headed to his only afternoon class which was DADA and his least favorite.

*

"Fighting." Dedenne stood at the front of the room and surveyed the group before her. "We've had a couple weeks now of learning about dark creatures, I believe it is now time to learn a few handy spells."

Everyone began whispering excitedly as Dedenne instructed them to get up and put their bags along the side of the wall. As they did, Dedenne waved her wand so all the desks and chairs piled up on the other side.

"I'll be pairing you up. Line up facing your partner along those lines I've drawn on the floor," she said and looked down at the roster. "Black and Colgate, Inkwood and Magpie, Evans and Pettigrew, McNab and Potter, Nettle and Spinnet, Struthers and Twycross." She set the parchment down and Remus just stood there while everyone did as Dedenne had order. "Ah yes, we've thirteen students in this class," she said as if she _hadn't_ been looking at a list and _hadn't_ had to have seen Remus's name. "You'll be with me."

Once everyone was lined up with herself and Remus at the ends of their lines, she began instructing everyone on how to cast a sparking spell. She showed them the wand movement and the careful pronunciation. "Don't worry, none of you are powerful enough for the sparks to do any sort of damage, even if you do manage to cast them. Verdimillious!" she exclaimed and a shower of green sparks flooded from her wand and settled to the ground. "Ready? Go."

Everyone began flourishing their wands at their partner, shouting the spell in a variety of tones. Potter was being quite insistent and vicious with his shouting while Pettigrew mumbled his and ended up dropping his wand.

"Verdimillious!" Remus said and nothing happened.

"It's a simple spell, Mr. Lupin," Dedenne said even though nobody else had managed anything either.

Remus's face went red. "Verdimillious!" Nothing. He sucked in some air and pictured the green sparks clearly in his head. "Verdimillious!" The end of his wand sort of glowed green then faded. Remus smiled, extremely happy.

Dedenne just frowned and shook her head. "It's a sparking spell, not the lumos spell," she said in a tutting sort of voice.

_I'M TRYING_! he wanted to snap and the wolf shifted inside. He looked down the lines and saw nobody else managed anything. He managed a bit of light. And all he got was tutting. "Verdimillious!" he insisted and a single green spark fluttered to the ground. _HAH_! he thought, looking at Dedenne victoriously. _Now what do you say_?

But she wasn't even looking at him, she was looking at Potter who had brandished his wand so wildly that he fell over. "Mr. Potter, this is Defense, not Dancing," she said though didn't have the same annoyed sort of sound to her voice as she did when she spoke to Remus.

Remus felt the wolf grow inside of them. _She's not even paying attention to me at all_, he thought as she shouted instructions down the line of other students. _She doesn't care. She doesn't care. She's supposed to be my teacher and all she's doing is ignoring me_!

He knew he was a monster and not human, however he felt he at least deserved to be treated a little bit like a regular student, and not shunted aside. McGonagall said she viewed him as a regular student. _Even if she hates me for what I am, Professor Dedenne should at least give me a little bit of a chance_. She was still giving her attention to everyone else, explaining the proper movement to Pettigrew, correcting Inkwood's pronunciation.

All the anger from his poor grades and now this just blew over and he pointed his wand. "_Verdimillious_!" There was a great shower of green sparks even bigger and brighter than the one Dedenne had used to show the students. Everyone gasped and then began clapping while Dedenne whirled around, staring at the fading light. Remus straightened up and breathed heavily from the exertion. He met Dedenne's eyes and knew she had to say something. Everyone saw him. He was the first one to do it, and so beautifully too. She couldn't ignore him.

"Mr. Lupin," she said stiffly, and he knew she knew she couldn't deny what just happened. "How _dare_ you attack when your partner's back is turned!"

Remus blinked. _What_?

"Good sportsmanship and proper dueling form states to never attack someone with their back turned! Ten points from Gryffindor!"

Remus exploded. "You had your back turned to me practically this entire time, was I not supposed to practice the spell then?!"

Black doubled over choking on nothing, Potter's jaw hug open, Pettigrew dropped his wand with a squeak, and Evans gasped very loudly, covering her mouth with her hand. Everyone else looked shocked that Remus--_Remus_!--just sassed a teacher, and slowly turned their gazes to Dedenne who went a bit purple.

"Ten more points from Gryffindor for talking back, _and_ detention."

_Not fair not fair not fair not FAIR_! Remus clenched his teeth, his tiny body trembling ever so slightly. Dedenne must have realized what was going on inside him because a flash of fear entered her eyes. "Now remove yourself from my class since you obviously can't _control yourself_."

Remus knew she said the last bit as an order and not an excuse. He put his wand back in his pocket, carefully walked over to the edge of the room to pick up his bag, and then left the classroom and his absolutely bewildered classmates.


	17. Chapter Sixteen - A New Teacher

Myrtle floated around watching as Remus kicked and punched the walls and cursed in a way that made her feel quite happy. The small boy raged in her bathroom for some time and then collapsed down, crying. She settled down next to him and stroked his quivering back.

"It's okay, bullies get their own," she promised.

Remus sat up, her arm going through his body. "They better," he said darkly and then pulled his wand out. "Verdimillious!" It wasn't anywhere near as impressive as the one he had done out of anger but there were still at least half a dozen sparks that rained down.

"Ooh, how pretty!" Myrtle said. "I was never very good at those sorts of spells. I was always better with changing things. Charms that make things dance, and transfiguration sort of spells."

"Verdimillious," he said again and watched the sparks land on the stone floor. "Verdimillious. Verdimillious."

"If you're going to do a show you should at least switch it up," she said.

Remus finally looked at her and then nodded. "Vermillious," he said even though the red one was a more advanced version of the sparking spell and nothing happened. "Caerullious," he said, no idea if that was even a spell but figuring if something produced blue sparks that would be it. "Verdimillious," he said again and the green sparks shot out.

Remus flicked his wand over and over, green sparks going everywhere. Then he finally put his wand away and curled up on the floor, listening to Myrtle talk about the girl who used to bully her and how she tried haunting her for a while. _Wish you could go haunt Dedenne_, he thought bitterly. _The others that know don't seem to take points away from me just because I'm a monster. But Dedenne... she teaches this stuff. She knows better. She probably has a better understanding of what I am, and that's why she does it. But singling me out like that shouldn't happen. I do deserve it though. I'm just a wolf in human clothing, really. She should be commended for putting up with me as much as she does. Merlin, I talked back to a teacher...!_

Remus stayed in Myrtle's bathroom until supper when he finally said goodbye to her and went to the Great Hall. As soon as he went in he saw his classmates looking at him and whispering. Black and Potter started to get up but Evans got there first. Remus's face flushed as she took hold of his arm and knew this would probably just cause more teasing from his dorm.

"Please d-d-don't," Remus said before she could even open her mouth, shaking her hand off of him. "I d-deserved wh--what I got."

"She shouldn't have yelled at you like that, you only did what she asked and she never once said the person had to be _facing_ you," Evans said hesitantly.

Remus just shook his head. "I w-w-was wr-wrong t-to--to--to do that." He looked up towards the table and thought perhaps he should go apologize to Dedenne however he could never do that in front of the entire room. So he shuffled to the table and took a seat. Black, Potter, and Pettigrew swiftly joined him before Evans could sit down and Remus just ate in silence as they went on about how awesome it was that he had _talked back_ to a teacher like that, and had been the first to do the spell, and how it wasn't right Dedenne just took points away, and blah-blah-blah. Remus focused on his food until he couldn't eat another bite then mumbled a goodbye before leaving them, ignoring their gazes. For a split second he felt bad for being rude to them then remembered their teasing the night before and was glad he was rude.

*

_Dear Mum and Dad 22/9/71_

_I want to come home. I've changed my mind about being at Hogwarts. I don't like it anymore. It's not worth it._

_Remus._

*

Arthur wasn't in the owlery when Remus climbed into the tower and he remembered he had already sent a letter off earlier in the day. He considered using one of the school owls but none of them seemed to want him near due to his animalistic nature so he just headed to study group, where his actions in Defense was the talk of the town. Twycross and Craft greatly disapproved of what he had done and said, while Evans was firmly on Remus's side. Bones just laughed about the whole thing until Farrow appeared and kicked him out for causing so much noise, so they were down a member of their group that evening.

Before bed, Spinnet started teasing Remus about Evans again but to everyone's surprise Black and Potter both told him to shove off and stop being so immature.

"Immature? You were worse than that last night!" Spinnet snapped. "Or have you just changed your mind since he said he wouldn't do your homework for you."

"I d-d-don't do th--their homework!" Remus snapped and then glared at the other two. "And I don't need yo--y-your pity!" He grabbed his things and left the room to get a shower, ignoring Potter's protests that it wasn't pity. When he returned twenty minutes later--squeaky clean and in his pajamas for a nap before Astronomy--he hesitated outside the door, hearing the voices within talking about him. Spinnet was calling him a freak again. Complaining about the two times Remus woke them all up with his screaming, and the fact he couldn't even talk properly.

"You don't know his background," Potter told Spinnet, sticking up for Remus. Except not really. "It's not his fault he isn't normal."

Remus's heart fell a bit at that. Even to someone defending him he was weird and unusual.

"Maybe he's mad," Spinnet said. "Maybe he lived at Saint Mungo's. That's why he can't talk and has nightmares and attacked Professor Dedenne like that."

"He didn't attack her, he just did what was asked," Black said.

Remus's stomach twisted as he realized no one was arguing the Saint Mungo's/insanity bit. _I shouldn't expect them to_. He took in a deep breath and went inside. Spinnet was starting to say something else but stopped when Remus came in, instead giving him a glower. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew busied themselves with their card game, and Struthers pretended to be asleep. Remus kept his nose in the air as he got into his own bed, shutting the curtains.

"Mental, that one," Spinnet muttered.

Nobody else said anything.

*

Remus felt lonelier and lonelier over the next couple days as none of his dormmates tried to talk to him. The only one who seemed to acknowledge him was Black with his silvery stares, and that was it. Remus even avoided going to study group on Friday night and instead spent his time in a dark, empty room with the Fat Friar of Hufflepuff who happily talked about various changes in the school throughout the centuries while Remus shot green sparks out of his wand. Today's Defense lesson hadn't gone much better. Dedenne had lined up the students again only this time had Remus be double partners with Evans and Pettigrew, and then she snapped at him for 'frightening poor Pettigrew' when he first shot out a brilliant blaze of green sparks and then just had him sit in the corner for the rest of the class and redo his essay which had been marked poor. Evans had tried to talk to him after class but he just ran off to hide, missing supper, preferring the Friar's company.

When his stomach growled the Fat Friar asked about him getting food and Remus admitted he didn't want to be around anyone.

"Come on then," the Fat Friar said and motioned for Remus to follow him. He took him through the castle and down a side passage and stairwell near the Great Hall. Down a long corridor which was quite wide and cheerfully lit and smelling of food. The Fat Friar stopped in front of a large painting of a bowl of fruit. "All right then, tickle the pear."

Remus stared at the Fat Friar for a few seconds wondering what the heck he just said or _why_ he said it, but the Friar was smiling and nodding so Remus stretched his hand out and tickled the pear. It wriggled and then turned into a handle.

The room inside was huge, as big as the Great Hall (which Remus realized they were directly under). There were five tables arranged in the same manner as the tables above them and Remus watched as house-elves placed platters on the tables, and the platters disappeared. There were loads of counters and stoves and sinks and dishes and cupboards and a huge fireplace and at least a hundred house-elves all wearing the same sort of tea towel uniform. The house-elves that saw Remus began bowing and curtsying as well as greeting the Fat Friar who sat down at the table that matched up with the Hufflepuff table.

"I's Toggle," said a rather stout and ancient house-elf. "Toggle's in charge of the kitchens, he is."

"Er, hullo Toggle," Remus said pleasantly.

"Is there something wrong with the food, Young Master Student?"

"Oh, no, no, not at all. I've loved all the food I've had. I just--er, I didn't go to supper tonight and the Fat Friar brought me here..." He trailed off, not sure whether or not to outright ask for food however Toggle seemed to understand. He gave a bow and then shouted orders at some other house-elves who tripped over themselves bring over a basket full of sandwiches, fruit, and bottles of different flavors of soda pop. Remus thanked them all which made them all squeak and wring their tea towels before scurrying off. He thanked the Fat Friar as well before leaving the kitchens, feeling _extremely_ happy. Now he knew where to go when he didn't want to be in the Great Hall. Which was most the time.

*

On Saturday morning Remus got three pieces of mail, one of which had a small package attached to it that Arthur needed help carrying in.

_Dearest Remus, 24/9/71_

_Your father never knew much about this mind-reading magic and it's made us both very worried. Are you certain there is a way to prevent it from happening? I am grateful that Dumbledore is doing what he can for you however... I know there's only so much that can be done. I wish you were home with us, safe, you'd be_ safe_ with us. Hidden away from prying eyes and prying minds. Just say the word, love, and you'll be back home safe with us._

_Love, Mum_

_PS. I made you some of your favorite cookies._

_Mr. Lupin_

_Please report to Mr. Filch at 6pm tonight (25 September) for your detention_

_Professor McGonagall_

_Remus_

_Please come to my office at three pm for more sugared oranges. The gargoyle likes them too._

_Albus_

Remus opened the package and found a dozen double chocolate chip cookies. He immediately broke one apart and started eating it, feeding a few pieces to Arthur who nuzzled him. Remus smiled and stroked Arthur's chest. He felt someone staring at him and knew without looking it was Black.

Then Remus reread the letter from his mother. His I-want-to-go-home letter was still in his pocket however he no longer wished to send it. Sure, he still felt the sting from Dedenne's harshness and the hurt from his dormmates teasing, but it felt different now after some sleep and waking up to a sunshine-y Saturday morning.

Armed with cookies, he figured he didn't need anymore breakfast and after giving Arthur a kiss on his feather head and sending him off, Remus went outside. It was quite warm under the sun though there was quite a chill to the breeze. He found a nice spot near the lake and stretched out on his belly, eating several cookies and breaking up one of them to toss at the giant squid in the water.

Just as he started on one of his many essays, he heard voice nearby. He glanced over and saw a little ways off Potter, Black, and Pettigrew. Potter had a ball with him that he began tossing back and forth with Black while Pettigrew watched. Because of their positions on the sloping grounds, it was easier for Remus to see them than it was for them to see him so they had no idea he was there.

Remus watched them, arms folded on the grass, chin on his arms. Potter threw the ball with quite a lot of zest, tumbling around and laughing. Black kept laughing too and didn't seem to have as good an aim as Potter but there was definite strength behind his throws. Pettigrew kept clapping and cheering them on whenever a particularly difficult catch was made.

_I wonder what it's like_. Remus tilted his head so his cheek was against his arms now, smiling as Black crashed into Pettigrew to try to catch the ball and Potter doubled over, wheezing with laughter at them. _I wonder how it feels_. He wished that he could experience it. What it was like to be a normal boy. To not have this deep secret. To not be cursed, a dark creature, on the edge of falling off the cliff if he didn't balance himself just so. To be free just for one minute and laugh and toss a ball with friends.

Remus buried his face in his arms and sighed. His mother and father seemed adamant a cure would be found one day but Remus knew better. Nobody cared about werewolves. Nobody would work towards a cure when a silver ax was plenty of enough cure for the majority of society.

A thudding sound and Remus jerked his head, watching the ball roll towards him. He got to his knees just as Potter came up the hill. "Oh!" Potter smiled as he picked the ball up. "Wanna join us?" _Yes_. But Remus shook his head. "You know... it's okay." Potter knelt down, tucking the ball under one arm. "You don't have to look so guilty for saying no." Remus glanced up, startled. _I look guilty_? "You don't _have_ to hang out with us if you don't want to. We're not gonna be angry about it."

"P--probably prefer it," Remus mumbled.

Potter tilted his head and then pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Why would we prefer it if you didn't? I wouldn't be asking, if we'd rather you not being around us. I know Sirius and Peter feel the same. We all feel bad for teasing you the other night, even if you won't accept our apologies."

"I kn--know you all th-th-think I'm m-mad," Remus said, glaring at Potter, challenging him to deny it.

Potter looked very uncomfortable at that. "No we don't."

"Liar."

"All right, be that way. Just trying to be friendly."

"I don't want your pity."

"It isn't pity!" Potter was angry now, his voice raising so much it got Black and Pettigrew's attention. Remus and Potter both got to their feet as the other two came up the hill. "You think that's the only reason anyone would want to be your friend? Out of pity? What sort of friends did you have before?"

"None, actually!" Remus spat out the humiliating truth without even thinking and then he clamped his hand over his mouth in horror and his face went brilliantly red as they gaped at him and then he felt hot and his nose itched and he knew he shouldn't have said anything, but there it was, he admitted something to them he never wanted anyone to know. His breath got a bit ragged behind his hand and he felt his eyes go rather watery.

"Mate--" Potter started but Remus grabbed his bag of books and pushed past them. "Wait, Lupin!" But he kept running as fast as he could back to the school.

*

Remus hid out in various empty rooms knowing these were probably off limits, went to the kitchens at lunch and then hid out in a shadowy corridor on the first floor until just before three. Then he made his way to the Headmaster's office, only vaguely remembering the way Sir Nicholas showed him. It took a few tries and then a nice 'please?' to a portrait but finally he ended up in front of the gargoyle. It didn't move like it did before and Remus wondered what he was supposed to do. Then he recalled Dumbledore's note.

"Sugared oranges," he said and the gargoyle stepped aside.

At the top of the stairs he knocked at the door and was told to please come in. Remus opened the door and crept into the big office, heart hammering even through he knew he wasn't in trouble. Dumbledore was standing next to his phoenix and on its other side stood a witch that at first Remus thought she was as old as Dumbledore but then saw despite her flowing white locks and cane she was probably no older than Remus's mother. There were pink splotches of scars around her eyes which were a rather pale shade of grey.

"Hello, Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore said. "Remus, this is my friend, Mythana Fawley. Myth, this is Remus Lupin."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," she said with a nod of her head and a bit of an Irish twinge in her voice. She wasn't looking at him, just at the far well. "Don't mind the scars."

"It's a p-p-p-pleasure to--to me-meet you too," Remus said, looking down at his shoes, worried she'd start looking into his memories right away.

"Shall we have a seat?" Dumbledore asked and he offered his arm to Ms. Fawley, helping her over to a couch. He motioned for Remus to sit down as well. Remus opted for a chair nearby, feeling too awkward to sit with the adults.

"Albus has told me you wish to learn occlumency," Ms. Fawley said, staring ahead still. "He's told me why."

"Oh."

"It's all right, my dear, I've nothing against werewolves."

Remus shuddered when she used that word, feeling that sickness he always got whenever he heard it. "M--most people do," he couldn't help say.

"A werewolf saved my life," she said simply. "I was in a rather nasty battle with a dark witch who didn't like the fact my husband chose me over her, and she had the upper hand." Ms. Fawley (Mrs.?) tapped her finger against one of the splotches. "She destroyed my eyesight. I am blind. She would have killed me completely however..." Ms. Fawley gripped her cane tightly and lowered her head, her white hair falling in a sheet across her cheek. "My sister was a werewolf and interfered. She killed the witch who wanted me dead. In doing so the Ministry had her executed for killing someone."

"I'm so sorry," Remus said, twisting his fingers into the hem of his over-sized sweatshirt. _She saved her sister's life and was killed for it_. Then regretted thinking that, worried Ms. Fawley was looking into his head. Then he wondered how she could perform legilimency with no eyesight. Then regretted thinking _that_ in case she _was_ in his head.

"Myth has agreed to help you learn to fight off legilimency," Dumbledore said. "You'll have lessons with her once a week. Perhaps Tuesdays after supper?"

Even though Remus hadn't gone to study group on Thursday or Friday he felt a little upset of the thought of not being able to go on Tuesdays anymore, however he wasn't in any position to argue or barter. "Th-thank you s-s-so much Ms. F-F-Fawley," he said. "Er, M--Mrs. F-Fawley."

"Ms.," she replied as she got to her feet. "The witch got her wish in the end. Once I lost my eyesight and my sister was revealed to be a werewolf, my husband left me. It's all right though. I permanently gave him donkey ears as revenge. Hasn't been able to shake the spell off even to this day."

Remus began laughing without meaning to. "N--Nick Bottom."

Ms. Fawley grinned. "I have the feeling you and I are going to get along wonderfully, Remus." She held her hand out straight in front of her and Remus got to his feet, shaking her hand, realizing this was going to be a lot better than he initially thought.


	18. Chapter Seventeen - Come On Baby Do The Locomotion

Remus was exhausted from all the emotional turmoil over the week (and his three dormmates finding out one of his secrets, about never having any friends) and dreaded detention. He couldn't believe he had detention! His first month at school and detention! _Hopefully not with Dedenne_, he thought as he made his way to Filch's office after supper (which he had gotten from the kitchen and ate hidden away somewhere to avoid people).

Remus had to find a ghost to take him to Filch's office which was just off the entrance's hall. The office itself looked like it belonged in the dungeons and Remus saw chains hanging off the walls, and manacles, and they looked... very clean and well-used. Argus Filch was sitting at his desk, a perverse smile on his face as Remus sat down. Filch began scribbling things down, information about Remus.

"Got to give you your folder now, eh?" he chuckled. "Talking back to a teacher. Attacking a teacher. Very naughty."

Remus remained silent and just looked around the room at all the cabinets and filing drawers. He doubted anything was ever thrown away and there was probably storage from ancient times somewhere. Detention in the tenth century. What would that have been like? He eyed the manacles again and had some idea.

"Oh yes, those are always fun to use," Filch said, noticing what the tiny boy was looking at. "Not that Dumbledore lets me use them anymore... shame... nasty children who get hung up by their ankles for a few hours rarely come back... punishment is so weak now... you'll be back..." He wrote something down on a piece of paper and pushed it over to Remus. "No doubt about it, you're a troublemaker."

Remus took the paper and it instructed him to go _outside_, down to the gamekeeper's hut for detention with Hagrid. He left the cackling caretaker and went out of the castle, not really sure where Hagrid's place was. He thought he remembered seeing a rickety hut on the grounds and just hoped that was where it was. He crossed the grounds and went down the winding pathways. On his way he saw the Whomping Willow in the distance and thought, _one week_. Then he saw some figures near the tree and frowned. They weren't very close but closer than it seemed they should be. However they weren't getting any closer to the tree so Remus shrugged it off and kept going until he got to the small wooden cabin outside the Forbidden Forest, and hoped was where he was supposed to go.

Indeed the humongous gamekeeper swung the door open when Remus knocked. It was absolutely ridiculous to see the two of them together. One of the smallest first years with the man who had to have giant blood in him. Remus trembled before him even though Hagrid was smiling behind his beard.

"Ah yes, forgot I had summin for detention. Yeh boys better get yerself back t'the castle." For a second Remus thought that Hagrid was telling _him_ to just go back to the school but then Hagrid stepped out of his cabin, revealing Potter and Black. Both boys grinned at the sight of Remus.

"Hey there, Lupin," Potter said brightly. "Detention, huh? Hagrid's probably the coolest person you could have that with."

"Good luck there," Black added.

"An' yeh two stay _away_ from the forest!" Hagrid shouted as the two of them ran down the path. "If I find yeh there again, I'll tell Minerva!"

"Forest?" Remus asked.

Hagrid shook his head. "Found'em skulkin' bout the edge, lookin' like they were gonna go in. Now then, let's get goin'."

There was a barking noise and a miniature pony covered with scruffy fur appeared. The pony ran to Remus and began licking his face. "Don' yeh be worryin' 'bout Rocky, he ain't gonna hurt yeh none, unless it's death by lickin'."

The dog sat down and began wagging its tail. _A wolfhound_, Remus realized, his chest seizing up, especially this one seemed even bigger than the normal wolfhounds. Then he felt confused: most animals _hated_ him. They sensed the beast in him. Surely a _wolfhound_ would recognize the wolf lurking below the surface. This one just began panting sending a wave of meaty, bone-y breath on Remus's face.

"Come on, then," Hagrid said and Remus followed him with Rocky behind him. Remus assumed they were going somewhere distant however Hagrid just took him into a huge pumpkin patch right by his hut. _Huge_ being in both the size of the garden and the size of the pumpkin sense. "Bin havin' some flesh-eatin' slug problems. I'm gonna be puttin' the repellent along the edges while yeh go 'round an' see if yeh can't find some o' the slugs hidin'. Don't be touchin' 'em, mind you, don't wan' yeh goin' to the hospital wing with half yer flesh burned off."

Rocky followed Remus around as he wandered through the pumpkins which were probably half the size of Remus as it was. If these were for Halloween, they were going to be _huge_! _Flesh-eating slugs_, he thought as he went. He knew a little bit about them. His mother had issues with them a couple years ago and came running into the house screaming her head off at the 'giant creatures' in her garden. She called Lyall home to deal with them and Remus had seen them out his window. They were really big, bigger than non-magical slugs, so he knew it wouldn't be too difficult to spot them if they were around...

And they were. Remus nearly tripped over one that oozed its way across the path. "Mr. Hagrid, I f-found one!"

They spent the next forty or so minutes exploring every inch of the garden while Rocky barked and at one point he butt into Remus knocking him over and then slobbering all over his face. Remus laughed and tried to push the dog's head away but also really enjoying the feeling. He liked it when Arthur nuzzled him and this was very nice too. It was nice not having an animal be absolutely terrified of him.

Finally the garden was clear, the repellent sprayed, and Remus sent back to the school. Detention hadn't been so bad really. Hagrid was good company and Rocky was very sweet. But Filch was wrong: just because the detention wasn't too bad didn't mean he was willing to have it happen again.

*

Remus did his best to avoid Potter, Black, and Pettigrew, sensing they would try to be even nicer to him knowing he never had any friends. When he went to the tower he found the three of them in the common room playing a very rowdy game of gobstones. Remus managed to sneak past them and get up to the dorm where he hid under his bed until everyone else went to sleep and he was able to get ready for bed in peace.

On Sunday he woke up super early and spent the day hiding in various parts of the castle and reading his occlumency book. He read it all the way through once already and was reading it again, excited for his first lesson on Tuesday. Dumbledore hadn't been sure whether they should start right away since Remus would be missing his second lesson thanks to the moon, however Remus really wanted to begin. He felt on edge, knowing there were students who could look into his mind and wanting to protect himself against it as best he could, even if Dumbledore had promised no one would try it.

Sunday evening he did go to study group and when asked where he had been Friday and Saturday he just said he hadn't been feeling well Friday, and had detention Saturday. Craft gave him a look that clearly read he thought Remus deserved the detention however it was unneeded as Remus agreed wholeheartedly.

Monday morning Remus couldn't avoid the three stooges anymore since they had classes, and worst of all after a short surprise quiz, Flitwick paired the students up and Remus was put with Black. They were starting on movement charms which would lead up into levitation.

"Can anybody tell me about the locomotion charm?" Flitwick asked. "Mr. Lupin?"

"It moves objects," Remus answered. "Typically said with the object intended to be moved after. It's extremely helpful. I'm assuming we're practicing locomotor feather," he added, looking at their desks.

"Very good. Can you tell me the difference between this and the levitation spell?"

"The locomotion charm is used to move things around while the levitation spell is used to lift things into the air," Remus said.

"Very good, a point to Gryffindor. As Mr. Lupin said, the spell is locomotor and then you say the target after. Locomotor _feather_." Flitwick pointed at the feather on his own desk and send it sliding off. "It's just a quick flick of the wrist and then you'll be moving your wand in the pathway you intend the object to move, imagining it as you do. And begin!"

"Locomotor feather!" Black said and brandished his wand so hard his hand nearly smacked into Remus's face. "Whoops, sorry."

"You d-d-don't need to--to do the movement unless y--you've got the spell act--activated," Remus said.

"Can you do it?" Black asked with interest.

"Locomotor feather," Remus said, flicking his wrist. Nothing happened. "Locomotor feather!" He felt a little something that time but nothing happened when he tried moving the feather.

"Once we get this mastered we can slide food away from the Slytherins while they try to eat," snickered Black.

"Wh--what have you ag--gainst the S-ss-Slytherins?" Remus inquired.

"They're nasty and horrible," Black yawned. "Didn't they attack you last week? Or are you still protecting them about that?"

"Locomotor feather!"

"Lemme try again... locomotor feather! Ooooh, I think it moved a bit."

"Only b--bec-cause you blew on it."

Black just grinned, and switched the conversation completely. "It isn't pity or whatever you're calling it, we _do_ want to be friends with you."

Remus and Black stared at one another and then Remus turned back to the task at hand. "Locomotor feather!" This time it did move, just slightly.

"For your information, I don't think you're mental or anything."

"Please be q--quiet, I'm trying to d--do our lesson. Locomotor feather!" It slid a full inch and Remus beamed.

Black sighed and propped his elbows on the desk. "Did you mean it when you said you never had friends before? Because--"

Remus jerked around without thinking and his feather went zooming across the room and stuck itself up Flitwick's nose. Their teacher yelped in surprise and tumbled off his stack of books, and most the class began laughing while Remus covered his face in mortification and dread, expecting to get more detention _already_. Instead Flitwick pulled the feather out of his nose and gave five points to Remus for outstanding locomotion work.

"Brilliant," Black whispered as Flitwick gave them a new feather. "You got points for shoving a feather up the teacher's nose. See? You're absolutely perfect to be friends with. That's talent, that is."

Remus smiled to himself, trying to keep the pleasure off his face while Black's arm windmilled about trying to get the feather to move. Then there was an explosion and both boys jerked backwards as smoke belched out in their faces. Coughing, Remus waved his hand around then shrieked as he saw the feather was on fire.

"How d-d-d-did you manage that?!" he squeaked.

"No idea. I guess that's _my_ talent. You shove things up teachers' noses, I set things on fire. Er, Professor?" But Flitwick had seen and was coming over to get rid of the fire and give them a third feather. "You better try again," Black said.

"Locomotor feather." He was a bit worried nothing would happen but the feather slowly drifted along the desk. Across the room he saw Evans was moving her feather too and she grinned at him with a thumbs up. He gave a small smile back.

"Stop it!" Pettigrew whined and Remus looked over to where Potter was giving obvious flicks towards Pettigrew's nose, trying to get the feather up there. Potter saw Remus watching and gave him a wink.

"I'll give you a galleon if you stick the feather up Peter's nose," Black whispered.

For a split second Remus was very tempted. A galleon could buy him loads of chocolate, or a book. Then he realized what he was thinking and felt abashed. "No!" he hissed back.

"Give you one to stick it up James's nose."

Even more tempting. "No," he said, less annoyed, and with a faint smile. He spun his feather in a bit of a circle and let it settle. "You should be trying anyway."

"If I try to stick it up James's nose I'll probably just set him on fire. Locomotor feather!" Black waved his arm crazily and the feather didn't budge.

"Look, y--you're doing it rather..." Remus bit his bottom lip and fell silent.

"Hey, no, come on, help me out here," Black said. "What am I doing rather?"

Remus let out a slow breath, giving in to the desire to lecture and explain. "You might be _activating_ the spell however flailing about like that probably breaks the connection, especially since you're going so fast. Do the spell, and move your hand _slowly_. Also focus on the feather, think of it _moving_."

Black studied Remus then pointed. "Locomotor feather!" then he carefully moved his hand. The feather slid about half an inch then stopped however Black was grinning. "See that?" he demanded, elbowing Remus proudly. "Bloody hell. You should be helping Flitwick teach this class."

Remus rolled his eyes. "He _demonstrated, _you just weren't paying attention."

Black started to say something in response but just then Pettigrew gave a very violent sneeze as Potter had successfully got his feather poked up into the other boy's nostrils. Black cheered and Potter fell out of his seat laughing so hard. Flitwick removed one point but Potter didn't seem to care. Pettigrew yanked the feather out and scowled at Potter rolling on the floor.

Remus pressed his lips thin and focused himself as hard as he could, feeling sweat begin to drip down his face. "Locomotor glasses," he whispered, flicking his wand, and sending Potter's glasses shooting off his face. Potter gave an annoyed sound and began fumbling around, while Pettigrew started laughing. Black had heard Remus and raised his eyebrows at the smaller boy, so Remus acted like he had no idea what just happened. "Locomotor feather," he said simply and sent the feather clear off their desk.

*

"Locomotor pumpkin juice. Locomotor pumpkin juice. Locomotor pumpkin juice."

Remus read while he ate, trying to block out Potter's chants as he attempted to spill a glass over at the Slytherin table.

"You have to go slowly, and focus on the object moving," Black instructed haughtily causing Remus to snort and bury his face deeper into his book.

"Shaddup, I know what I'm doing. Locomotor pumpkin juice."

"Try putting it up their noses, you seem to be good at that," Pettigrew said.

"I'll put it up _your_ nose," Potter grumbled and then leaned across the table, trying to keep his wand movement hidden from the teacher's table. "_Locomotor pumpkin juice_! Ooh, I think it wobbled."

"Your brain wobbled," Black said, lightly nudging his friend. "Get off the table, you're blocking the curry sauce."

"Locomotor curry sauce," Potter tried and the bowl tipped over, spilling the sauce all over. "Oh, whoops."

"Thanks, James, thanks a lot."

"I'll go get some more," Pettigrew said, getting up to go get a new bowl from down the table. He jogged back, happily setting it down by Black.

"Cheers." Black poured some on his plate to dip his chips into then pushed the bowl--with his hand, not magic--closer to Remus. "Lupin, you want some?"

"No th-thank you."

"Suit yourself."

Remus set a few napkins down to avoid the spreading puddle of curry sauce then began reading again though he wasn't really concentrating that hard. He was focusing on the table around him, at the three boys, at enjoying their company. Black had dragged the other two to sit with Remus though Remus had heard Potter whispering 'he won't want us'. Remus hadn't protested when they sat, and even joined in the brief conversation about Herbology, to all their surprise.

"Locomotor pumpkin juice."

"Give it up."

"No way, it'll spill. I managed the feather."

Remus glanced over his book. "You m--managed the fe-feather be--because it's light, and was right in front of you. Th--this is at a g-greater distance, and heavier."

Potter stared at Remus. "I managed the dish of sauce," he said, rather peeved.

"R--right in f-front of you."

"Let's see you do it then, if you're so great."

Remus clutched at his book. "No, I'm n-n-not going to--to do anything l-like that. And I--probably co-co-couldn't do it anyway." Though he was very tempted. Mostly to see if he could. He had managed Potter's glasses though the distance wasn't as great as the two tables, and the glass of juice was heavier.

"Do it, do it, do it," Potter whispered and Black and Pettigrew both joined in the chant. "Do it, do it, do it!"

Remus glanced at the Slytherin table then up at the High table. Nobody was looking. _You shouldn't, it's very wrong, he did nothing to you, don't do it_. He slid his wand out and hid it behind his robes sleeve as he focused intensely, sweat once more beading up on his face. "Locomotor cup."

The other three Gryffindors held their breath as the glass of juice wobbled a bit and then tipped over, spilling the juice all over Potter's intended victim: Snape. Snape cried out and jumped out of his seat, wiping the juice off his lap and looking furiously around while some of the other Slytherins actually laughed, one of them calling Snape clumsy.

The four Gryffindors ducked their heads and began snickering and giggling. Even Remus giggled as he guiltily tucked his wand back into his pocket.

"Brilliant," Black said for the second time that day, grinning stupidly at Remus.

"Told you you're one of us," Potter said, not at all bothered Remus had managed with one try after his own multiple attempts.

"That was so funny!" Pettigrew said, eyes twinkling as he watched Snape leave the Great Hall.

"No it--it wasn't, it was horrible and I feel bad f-f-for doing it," Remus said, trying his best to sound convincing.

"No you don't," Black said, and Remus gave a sniffle as he delicately cut up some of his food, pointedly ignoring the accuracy of the other boy.


	19. Chapter Eighteen - Broom Troubles

While Remus felt a little easier around Black, Potter, and Pettigrew, it didn't change his mind about being proper friends with them. He knew he couldn't and that made him feel lonelier. When they sat together at supper and they were all joking and laughing and having a good time, and actually trying their best to include Remus... it hurt more than he expected to be stiff and distant with them. None of them seemed to care though, and continued their chatting.

"Going off to your little study group?" Black asked when Remus finished eating and started shouldering his bag full of books.

"Ah, er, y--yes," he said, a bit worried they might ask to come with him. He could _not_ imagine any of them sitting quietly in the library working on essays and helping other students with research and theories.

"Do you _always_ go to study group?" Potter asked, adjusting his glasses.

"I t-try to," Remus said.

Potter and Black exchanged looks then Black whispered, "We can do it a different day." to which Potter whispered back, "Rather do it now."

This was not meant for Remus's ears and had been said so quietly they assumed he couldn't hear them, so he felt super awkward about the whole thing, not knowing what to say. Then Potter and Black both gave him a big grin and told him to have fun and they'd see him later.

Suspicious, Remus made his way to the library. He felt on edge as studying began and kept glancing nervously around, keeping his ears out. _They're up to something_, he thought and then at about six-twenty he heard a crackling sort of sound and then everyone in the group began shrieking as fireworks began going off, exploding and showering the aisles in sparks over the advanced charms section. Farrow began yelling at the top of his lungs, and other students in the library began shouting too, and Remus heard footsteps running around, then another firework went off.

"What in Merlin's name?!" Craft demanded, jerking back as a few sparks landed on their table.

There was a loud crashing sound several aisles away and then Farrow began yelling at the top of lungs at the culprits, threatening to kill them both, and telling them they were banned from the library for weeks, and McGonagall will hear about this! Then shuffling sounds and familiar giggling as Remus supposed Farrow hauled Black and Potter out of the library.

"McGonagall?" Pierce asked and then everyone looked at Remus, Evans, and Twycross. Rather, at Remus.

"Wh--what?" he asked, trying to look confused even though he knew perfectly well what was going on.

"It was Potter, wasn't it? And Black?" Twycross snarled.

"How sh--should I know?!" he demanded, cheeks going pink.

"They're your friends, aren't they?" Bones asked.

Remus shook his head. "Th-they're my dor-do-dormmates, tha--that's about it. I don't--don't know them that well. D-don't bl--blame me!" He picked his quill up and dipped it into his ink pot. "L--let's just continue..."

When Remus returned to the Gryffindor tower at seven for curfew, he went right up to the dorm and found them on Potter's bed having a rowdy game of exploding snap. They greeted Remus cheerfully then Potter asked if anything interesting happened.

Remus tossed his bag onto his bed. "Wh-what exactly were your g-goals? Why--why did you do that? What was the--point?"

"Dunno what you're yammering on about," Potter said.

Remus folded his arms and tried his best to look tough. "I'm not stupid. Who else would it have b-been?"

Black tossed a card down and it exploded. "We were trying out a timer spell," he said. "Obviously it didn't work out too well since the firecrackers went off while we were a few feet away."

"Nearly singed my hair!" Potter complained.

Remus eyed them both. "T--timer spells aren't s-something we'll be ll...learning till at _least_ the f--fourth year, that's a bit too advanced."

"So we noticed," sighed Black as another card exploded.

Remus watched them and then sat down on the edge of his bed. "What were you hoping to--to accomplish? I m--mean, I understand the-the timing spell j--just why the--library? Why n-not try it wh--where you _wouldn't_ get in trouble?"

Potter barked out some laughter, eyes bright. "Where's the fun in _that_?" he asked in a 'duhhh' sort of tone. "Only problem is we're banned from the library until November. If we need something, you'll help us, right?" He tried to pick up a card then yelped and dropped it as it exploded in his fingers.

_Where's the fun in getting in trouble and banned from the library_?! Remus wondered wildly. "How m--many points d-did you lose?"

"Only fifteen each," Black promised. "McGonagall decided to just dump detention on us instead. Four nights each," he added with a wink.

"Fif...teen points go-gone each, four nights of--of detention each, and-and-and banned... from the library... for a _month_," Remus stated. Both boys nodded. "Well, er, I--I'm glad you're pl--pleased with your r-results." He still couldn't figure out why didn't just test it out somewhere private, why getting in so much trouble made it better. The conversation ended anyway, as Pettigrew came in all pink and freshly scrubbed from his shower and wanting to join the game of snaps.

Remus curled up on his bed, his nose in a book, not really reading though as he was too busy pondering the sanity of Potter and Black.

*

On Tuesday in Flying lessons Hooch had everyone partner up with the intention of practicing balancing by tossing balls back and forth. Most the Gryffindors wanted to be paired up with Potter, especially since they had an audience. Some of the older students who had watched them the week before were sitting around, wondering if they'd see Potter's tricks again this week. Remus expected Potter to choose Black however he chose Cassandra Inkwood instead.

Remus glanced around, figuring Black would go with Pettigrew, and figured maybe he could be with Evans except Evans was already with Colgate. _I don't think anyone would want to be with me_, he thought as the Gryffindors paired up. There was an uneven amount of Slytherin students. Was he going to be with a Slytherin? He glanced towards them and saw Silverlocke was standing by himself looking a bit distraught. Remus hurried over.

"P-p-partners?" he asked hopefully.

Silverlocke smiled. "That would be great," he said and Remus let out a little sigh of relief, grateful he was able to actually pick someone. "Are you sure though?"

"Why--why w-w-wouldn't I be?" Remus asked and Silverlocke jerked his chin. Remus followed the line and saw Black looking at them both, forehead wrinkled, a big frown on his face.

Black hesitated then came over. "Lupin, partners?" he asked.

"I th--thought you w-w-were with P--Pettigrew?"

"I'd rather you," Black said simply, then looked at Silverlocke. "What do _you_ want?"

"We're--t-t-teamed up," Remus muttered.

Black's frown returned. "Oh, I see. Well, maybe next week." He gave Silverlocke a bit of a glare then went back over to the Gryffindors and Pettigrew who seemed very relieved when Black stood next to him.

"If you'd prefer being with... _him_... I understand," Silverlocke said, averting his gaze as if expecting Remus to just run off with the other boy.

Remus got on his broom, sitting in what he hoped was the right position. "No," he answered and Silverlocke looked pleased.

Once everyone was ready, Hooch handed out red balls which she called Quaffles, and then blew her whistle for everyone to get in the air. It took a few kicks for Remus to start flying and then as soon as Silverlocke threw the ball he fell off his broom. The Slytherins began laughing hard (and a couple Gryffindors) and Remus got up off the ground, blushing. He tossed the ball to Silverlocke before getting back on his broom.

"I didn't mean to," Silverlocke said anxiously. "I didn't realize you weren't paying attention."

_I was paying attention_, Remus thought as he got back up to five feet off the ground, the minimum Hooch said was acceptable for this lesson. "S'all r-r-r-right," he managed to say, aware he was being watched almost as much as Potter.

Potter and Inkwood were at the maximum height of fifteen feet and Remus saw why Potter had chosen her: she was a fair flyer. They were expertly throwing the ball back and forth, Potter with a lot more accuracy and ability than Inkwood. Potter kept catching the ball in various ways to show off. One handed, upside down, during a loop-to-loop, earning constant cheers from the audience. Potter grinned, flashing his bright smile at the students on the ground, soaking the attention in.

Remus turned back to Silverlocke who threw the ball carefully. Remus panicked immediately, realizing he needed to let go with _both_ of his hands and wasn't willing to do that, so he tried to catch it one handed and failed utterly. The ball dropped to the ground and some Slytherins laughed again. Silverlocke dove down and picked the ball up off the ground without even getting off his broom.

"It's fine, try again," Silverlocke said encouragingly.

"Mr. Lupin, you need to balance yourself without holding the handle," Hooch said.

Remus gulped heavily and while Silverlocke returned to the air he slowly let go with one hand and then even slower let go with the other. He clenched his legs around the broom and felt dizzy and swaying and then fell off without the ball even being thrown, and everyone laughed at him. He lay on the ground, brilliantly red. Even Pettigrew was able to stay on his broom, albeit with difficulty. Even the huge and gorilla-ish Bulstrode was able to stay balanced.

Hooch came over to make sure Remus didn't have any injuries and then said he and Silverlocke could stay just three feet off the ground.

"What a baby!" Mulciber laughed.

"Hooch, maybe he should ride with someone else," Avery suggested. "Like a _child_."

Just then a red ball went flying and hit Avery square in the head, knocking him clean off his broom. Everyone's eyes traveled over and saw Potter and Inkwood were now missing a ball, and Inkwood was glowering at her partner.

"POTTER!" Hooch shouted.

"Sorry, it slipped out of my hands," Potter said, an innocent grin. "I guess I'm not as talented as I thought."

"He's _better_ than _I_ thought," Silverlocke said so softly only Remus could hear.

"Is he th--that good?" Remus asked.

Silverlocke shrugged. "Unless it was an accident, yes. To hit a target that size from that distance, and with enough force to knock him off his broom? Potter's good. Very good. Please don't tell him I said that, though, I don't think he needs more of an ego boost..."

Potter was doing barrel spins as the older students cheered and then he looped around and caught the ball Hooch angrily threw back at him. "Won't happen again," he promised.

Remus and Silverlocke spent the rest of the lesson flying very close to each other in order to toss the ball back and forth. Silverlocke was more or less handing the ball to him, and even then Remus fumbled with it. He got very shaky and scared whenever he had to use both hands and was glad when it was time to land. He apologized to Silverlocke at being such a crappy partner but Silverlocke smiled and promised he didn't mind.

"Baby," Avery and Mulciber said as they walked past, Mulciber purposely knocking into Remus which sent him stumbling back.

Across the grounds Potter was talking with the older students, especially with a muscular looking boy and a waspish sort of girl. Potter looked more and more excited as they spoke and then he shook both their hands before running over to Black and Pettigrew. "That was Drew Tanner, and Patricia Bell," Remus heard Potter inform Black and Pettigrew. "Tanner's the current captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team though he's graduating this year, and he's pretty sure Bell will be taking over; she saw me last week and brought Tanner over and he says he has high hopes for the team if I'm on it next year!"

"Whoa! James! Congratulations!" Black said, giving his friend a high five.

"But what if you don't make try outs?" Pettigrew asked. "Isn't it unusual for a second year to be on the team?"

Potter put his hands on his hips and glared. "I _will_ make it! And second years get on the team all the time... all right, usually as reserves, however _I_ will be _on_ it proper. Watch me, I _will_. If there wasn't some dumb rule about first years not allowed I could be a reserve _this_ year, Tanner _said_. Wait till I write Mum and Dad, I bet they'll get me the best model broom next summer...! Tanner said I could come to some practices too..." Potter, Black and Pettigrew wandered off as Potter talked endlessly about the conversation.

Then Black stopped and looked back at Remus. "Come on, Lupin! Hurry up!" he called, waving his arm.

"I'll see you tonight," Silverlocke said.

"Oh, er, I--I won't be th-there I have... some stuff I n-need to do," Remus said apologetically. He gave his broom to Hooch and then went over to join the other three boys, giving Potter a congratulations as well.

*

After supper (which was mostly Potter talking about Quidditch) Remus went to an unused classroom on the fourth floor, where he was going to receive his new lessons. Ms. Fawley was already there, sitting on a large purple sofa in the middle of the room. He shut the door behind him and she pulled out her wand, locking the door.

"Come on in, dear," she said, patting the sofa next to her. He crept over and sat down, sinking a little bit into the giant cushions. "Nervous?"

"A b-b-bit."

"That's fully understandable." She tucked some of her white hair behind one ear then folded her hands in her lap. "I don't see any reason not to just start immediately. Do you know anything about occlumency and legilimency?"

They talked about the magic for a good ten minutes, mostly Remus reciting what he remembered from the book. Ms. Fawley kept nodding and smiling, very pleased at him for taking the time to read about the subject. Then she told him to do his best at clearing his mind, and emptying himself of all emotions.

_This isn't going to go so well_, he thought then closed his eyes, trying his best to make his brain as empty as possible, to let go of his emotions. It was harder than he thought. He felt worried and anxious and afraid.

"It will be fine, Remus. Try not to worry. I do not expect you to be able to learn this in a few lessons or even before your next year at school." He felt her fingers against his forehead. "I can perform legilimency through touch. Most people need the spell or even eye contact. Which I _used_ to be able to do..." She gave a twinkling sort of laugh. "However, my legilimency magic is the same as any other, so even though it's done differently... if you can fight mine off, you can fight anyone else's else... at least those at my level."

"Are you at a--a high level?" Remus asked, eyes still closed.

"Mmhmm. Now... no thoughts... no emotions... this might feel strange..."

He jolted as memories began pouring through his head like someone flipping through a book super fast. He saw glimpses of his life. It was going in reverse... him, eleven, crouched in a doorway, watching Dumbledore talk to his dad, hearing this strange man say 'lycanthropy' in a knowing voice...seven years old, looking out his bedroom window as some local children were walking by, wanting to join them, running down to ask his mother, her telling him he can never... very small now, laying broken and bleeding and sobbing in the dark cellar room, crying for his mother, not understanding what just happened, not understanding the pain...

Remus fell off the couch, gasping for air, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Mama," he said without even meaning to, still feeling like he was the toddler in the final memory that had flashed in his head. Ms. Fawley remained silent while he gathered himself and got back on the couch. She was frowning in a sad sort of way however offered no words of sympathy.

"Are you ready to try again?"

Remus sniffled. "Y-y-yes."

"No emotion," she said and he wondered how to let go of his emotions_ now_! He didn't want to see himself at four, didn't want to experience that absolute hell. He couldn't remember his first transformations on his own and didn't want to be reminded of them now. Fawley reached out and pressed her cool fingertips against his head. "I'll try not to go so deep this time, dear."

Flash, Remus standing on Platforms Nine and Three Quarters as his mother cried and he trembled. Flash, sitting on the stool with the Sorting hat whispering _werewolf_ in his ear. Flash, Dedenne telling him to control himself. Flash, Charms class the previous day, Black grinning at him.

This time when he came out of his memories he was still on the couch though his head was beginning to hurt. "I d-d-didn't do it right, did I?"

"Not very, however there's _nothing_ surprising or wrong about it," Fawley said. "Let's take a few minutes break while you focus on emptying everything, all right?"

Fawley tried three more times that evening, each time just skimming the shallow memories, mostly of his month at school. He was unable to stop her each time though since they were just school memories they weren't as hard as the first time. The most he felt was crushing loneliness. Still, his head ached so much and having headaches as a werewolf _sucked_ because his head would start hurting then the wolfy regeneration would help ease it, then it would start hurting again. A stop-and-go sort of thing that made him a bit dizzy and tired. And he was already dizzy and tired from the occlumency attempts.

Fawley instructed him to practice as often as he could of emptying himself, and said she'd see him in two weeks. Then she laughed and tapped her splotches. "You know what I mean."

"Th-th-thank you, Ms. Fawley," he said, rubbing his temples. "I'll d-d-do my best."

"Mr. Lupin..."

"Yes?"

Fawley stood up, clutching her cane. "I'm... an outcast in my family because I chose to stand by my sister. Everyone else shunned her, our parents disinherited her. She was on the register but it never did anything to help her. You're very lucky to have your parents."

Remus felt a little swell of pride. "Y--yes, th-thank you, I--I know they could have just abandoned me."

"I know you're lonely... it was a very common theme in the emotions of your memories, however..."

"I underst-stand," he said before she could go on.

"Be careful."

"I w-will. Thank you."


	20. Chapter Nineteen - But Pettigrew Could Have Gotten Him

Over the next couple days, Remus kept having the image of his own battered four-year-old body pop up in his head. It set him on edge, especially with the full moon coming up, and on Wednesday during a Herbology exam he could barely focus and only just finished answering the last question when Sprout said to put their quills down. When he left the greenhouse he was rubbing his forehead and blinking in confusion at all the happy noise around him, part of his brain still down in that cellar with his toddler self.

_I was four_, he thought Wednesday night after Astronomy as he lay in bed staring at the ceiling. _I didn't understand any of it._ He tried to purposely dredge up memories but couldn't. All he could manage was that brief image he got from Tuesday. _What did my parents do? How did they comfort me? How _could_ they comfort me...? _He tried to remember the earliest transformation he could but they all just sort of blended together in a blur of pain and terror. His mother sobbing afterwards, carefully cleaning him off, trying to bandage his wounds, putting him in his bed...

Remus rolled over, hugging his pillow, swinging back into wishing he were at home with his mother now. He missed his father too but there was something distant and cool about him most the time. His mother was the one who showed her heart on her sleeve and gave him the love he didn't deserve. _Maybe it's since she's a Muggle and doesn't really understand_. He gave a little sigh and closed his eyes, eventually drifting into a nightmarish sleep full of the images that plagued him during the day.

*

Potions on Thursday. Remus still didn't have a way to stop the scents and it was a particularly bad day as Slughorn went on about a multitude of ingredients they'd be practicing on and worst of all, one of the things needed was an item Remus dreaded using. He remembered when he got his beginner's potions kit and saw the item inside. He cried for a good ten minutes.

"All right everyone," Slughorn said with a clap of his hands, "for the amphyr roots you'll need your _silver_ knife."

Remus took in a deep breath and carefully opened the little kit. The silver knife was wrapped up in leather which his father had done for him. Slowly Remus pulled it out, doing his best to appear calm and collected as he set the knife down then picked it up by its handle which was not silver. It pulsed in his hand though, the feel of pure silver being so close to his body making him feel terrible.

"B--be careful!" he said as next to him Pettigrew was going at the amphyr root with zest, his hand and the silver knife flailing about. Remus scooted a bit, hoping he didn't look as pale as he felt. At the front of the room, Slughorn was eyeing him. Remus swallowed and then began chopping the roots up as best he could, his hands only slightly shaky. It was made harder due to the fact some students were already moving on to the next ingredient which was the amphyr petals which gave off a very strong heady scent. He began to grow dizzy even before he was done with the roots.

"Mr. Lupin, these do need to be done by the end of class... Mr. Pettigrew, are you chopping or mutilating?" Slughorn asked, looking with disdain at the shreds in front of Pettigrew. "Mr. Black, they're _very_ uneven there... Mr. Potter, quite good, quite good..."

Remus was the last one to finish with the roots and then began plucking the petals off the flower, swaying a bit in his seat and feeling rather drifty. He began giggling at nothing, then giggling even more as Pettigrew pulled a petal off so hard the flower gave a squirt right in his eye and he had to be taken to the back of the room to get his face cleaned off.

"Some of you may be feeling the giddy effects of the amphyr head," Slughorn said, mostly looking at Remus who began giggling again. "Mr. Lupin, please remove yourself until you calm down."

Remus was hiccuping with laughter by the time he stumbled out the door and collapsed on a stone bench, laughing for a good five minutes and giggling for another five. He wasn't the only one who succumbed to the flower though. Pettigrew soon joined him since he had had a very close encounter with the juice and he was absolutely hysterical even after getting his face washed off. Alice Colgate came out a moment later, giggling into her hands, and then a Slytherin girl called Alexander, and then Mulciber who was too busy laughing it up to insult the Gryffindors. Colgate was the first to go back then Remus did, wiping his face as he returned to his seat. He did his best to catch up on the ingredients and with the help of Potter managed to get finished by the time class ended. Pettigrew was still outside when they left, sitting splayed on the floor, tears running down his cheeks.

"It--hurrrts!" he wheezed as he laughed.

Remus, Black, and Potter just stood there looking down at him. "Should we take him to Pomfrey?" Black asked, scratching his head.

"I'd say so," piped up Evans who was hovering nearby. "Look at him!" They looked again but didn't see anything particularly wrong. "He can hardly breathe!" she added in a very snappish tone. "You _are_ aware hyperventilating is a _thing_ right? A body needs _oxygen_!"

"Oh go on then," Potter said as he hauled Pettigrew up, pulling his arm over one shoulder. "Sirius, a little help?"

"I'm too tall," Black said as he tried to pull Pettigrew's arm up over his shoulder, having to crouch a bit. "Yo--Lupin...?"

Remus hesitated but Evans was glaring so he gave his bag to Black to carry and took his place. "I'm t-too small," he said but it wasn't as awkward with him there instead of Black so he and Potter helped Pettigrew (who was occasionally turning purple) to the hospital wing with Black on their trail.

"Amphyr flowers," Potter said as he and Remus dropped Pettigrew onto a bed and Pettigrew began gasping and wheezing and flailing as Pomfrey watched him.

"Oh Merlin," she said, shaking her head. "Did it get him in the face?"

"Right in the eye!" Black said cheerfully. "It was bloody brilliant!"

"Language." She checked Pettigrew's face and then pushed him farther up into the bed. "You'll be fine though you should stay here till it wears off in case you start to hyperventilate."

"_Evans was right_," Potter whispered into Black's ear.

"You boys best be on your way, he doesn't need you hanging about," Pomfrey said and made shoo-ing motions with her hands. "Except you, Mr. Lupin, I need a quick word." She took Remus to her office and shut the door behind them. Remus stood there, curious as to what she could possibly want. "If you're working on amphyr flowers and I'm assuming roots, that means you needed to use a silver knife. Are you all right?"

He raised his eyebrows. She was concerned about him. "Y--yes, I was very c-careful and held th--the end of the handle," he said.

"It doesn't hurt you being near it?" she asked.

"Er, n--no. I don't know exactly wh--what it does to me, honestly," he answered. "None of th-the books I've read says m-much about it and my parents have k--kept it far away f--from the house since..." Suddenly his face lit up. "Do you know what would happen if silver touched me, Madame Pomfrey?"

The Healer shook her head. "I'm afraid I don't. All I know is it is extremely dangerous to werewolves and the only way to... truly..."

"Kill us," Remus finished for her, not even batting an eyelash though Pomfrey frowned. "It's okay."

"Yes... well..." She smoothed her apron down then put a hand on Remus's shoulder, guiding him back out of her office. "I want to--WHAT DID I SAY?! GET _OUT_!"

Potter and Black had returned and were standing by Pettigrew's bed and telling him jokes while Pettigrew was now quite purple and hardly able to take in any air. Potter and Black dashed out of the hospital wing while Pomfrey hurried over to Pettigrew and began doing some spells to help him breathe easier. Remus gave Pettigrew an anxious glance then slipped out after the other two, intending to scold them for nearly killing Pettigrew but when he did they just began laughing about it.

"Death by laughter, that's how I want to go," Black said.

"It's n-n-not funny!"

"Peter would disagree," Potter said which sent Black into more snickers.

"Ooh, you two are... are..."

"Poisonous back-bunched toads?" Black asked, eyes twinkling.

Remus tilted his chin up and glared. "Repugnant! _And it's bunch-backed_!" With that he stomped off as the two of them continued laughing.

Pettigrew was out of the hospital wing by supper (though still a bit giggly) and didn't seem at all upset at his friends for attempting to murder him with jokes.

*

_Remus 30/9/71_

_I'm none pleased someone else has been brought into the circle of those who know however it's far too late to do anything about it. Your mother is very worried too. Is this Fawley someone you feel can be trusted? I'm aware Dumbledore has said she is but I'm not sure._

_There is probably a spell to not smell anything though I don't know what it is. I know spells that make you smell certain things like roses or other flowers but that might bother you too. If you think it will help, the spell is: Rosadorus. Rose-a-door-us. Tap the tip of your nose. Be careful attempting this spell, the first time I tried it all that happened was roses sprouted out of my nostrils and let me tell you those thorns gave me quite the issue._

_Lyall_

*

The first of October brought in chilly rain so everyone stayed in the castle. Remus spent his afternoon in his dorm attempting the spell his father had sent him. Unfortunately all he could manage to do was make himself sneeze rose petals and soon his bed was covered and the room was full of the sickly sweet stench. He did his best to brush all the rose petals into his waste bin and then sat at his desk to work on his Defense essay. His mind was elsewhere, though; the full moon was very close again and he suspected it would be bad again, with the memory of his early transformation _still_ skulking about his brain.

He was practicing emptying himself of emotion like he promised but it was really difficult. Every time he tried he just became more aware of every single emotion going through his body. Mostly worry and anxiety. The more he tried, the more he felt. An endless loop. It was especially hard with the moon coming up. _That's when I need to the most_, he thought, sucking on the end of his quill. _I hope it doesn't take much longer to get this right. Fawley says it'll take me over a year but she doesn't know me. No matter what Dedenne says, I'm pretty decent at magic_...

The doors opened and the three stooges came tumbling in. Almost immediately they began pinching their noses and complaining of the smell. "What happened in here? Did Professor Sprout attack you or something?" Potter asked.

"No, s-sorry, w-was trying a spell," Remus said. "Didn't w-work out so well."

"It stinks! What _is_ that?" Pettigrew complained.

"Roses, I think," Black answered, his nose wrinkled. "A lot of roses. What were you even trying?"

Remus mumbled a response, realizing that even if he could get the spell to work right it wouldn't help. He didn't think he could go through the entirety of Potions class with this smell clogging up his nose.

Then Black was at his elbow, peering down at the paper. "Could you help me with my essay? You've got loads of stuff here I never even thought of."

Potter came over and began reading as well. "Hey, this stuff is good. How come you're so smart? Can we copy?"

"No! You c--can't copy!" Remus said, covering the papers quickly. "I'll h-help if I can but--but you probably d-don't want my help in Defense... I'm n-n-not very good."

"Not good? What I read of that essay was bloody good," Potter said and began poking at Remus's elbow to try and get him to move his arm. "Better than mine."

"Aren't you pretty much top in everything? Except Potions?" Pettigrew asked.

"And Flying, don't forget that," Potter put in quickly with a wicked grin.

Remus shot a glare at Potter. "Yes, thank you s--so much for reminding me." Then he wondered what would happen if he did let them copy his homework. Would Dedenne give them all the same grade as him or would they get better grades? _She'd notice though, and probably accuse me of copying them. Still... if I help them and they get a better grade that's evidence..._ But he didn't know what he could do with evidence even if he had absolute, no-doubt-about-it proof. He had enough proof for himself. And he wouldn't go to anyone about it so really, it'd be a pointless exercise. Still...

"I'll h-help you," he said and all three boys cheered. "Now, l--let me see what you've got." Pettigrew and Potter began going through their things while Black just stood there. "Aren't y-you going to--to get your paper?"

Black stuck his hands in his pockets. "Haven't started it yet."

"It's d-d-due Monday! And it's supposed to be two feet long!"

Black shrugged. "I'll work on it this weekend and you can help me smooth it out Sunday night, eh?"

Remus bit his tongue and then looked down at the scrolls the other two were shoving into his hands. "Y--yeah, I c-can do that," he said lightly, wishing he could say _no I won't be here Sunday night_! "Erm, P--Pettigrew? You d-do know 'Cornish' doesn't start with a--a 'k' right?"

"Errrr of course I knew that, ha ha... ha..."

*

Saturday was very rainy too and Remus spent that day in the library. In the afternoon while he was studying someone came up to him, clearing their throat for his attention. It was an older student and Remus glanced up, wondering what had happened, or if he was sitting at her usual table or something, however all she said was there were three boys waiting outside the library for him. Sighing, he put everything in his bag and left the library to find Black, Potter, and Pettigrew waiting with eager faces.

"We needed your help with something," Potter said, "so we had to bribe that girl to get you."

Remus tried to hide a snicker. "You d-do realize Pettigrew isn't banned fr-from the library, right? He could have gotten me."

The eagerness turned to blankness and then Potter began coughing. "Er, well, he's banned too."

"For _what_?" Remus demanded.

"Wait, no, he's right, I'm not ba-ooof!" Pettigrew was cut off as Potter elbowed him quite hard.

"What did you n--need me for? Your essays?"

"Nah, we need a fourth for sphinxes," Black said.

Remus just stared. "Sphinxes," he said and all three of them nodded. "You--bribed someone to--to come take me away from--my homework... for... a card game."

"Well, when you put it _that_ way," Potter mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.

"You c--could have gotten anyone else," he pointed out. _Or played something else_.

"We wanted you," Black said. "But you don't have to."

Remus glanced back at the library door then at the three boys. _I should work on my schoolwork... and I shouldn't be too friendly with them_... He shouldered his bag and took a step towards them. "All r-right, why not." _Only a million reasons why not_, he thought as he followed them to the Great Hall and spent the rest of the afternoon playing cards with them, laughing, and having a really good time.

*

Sunday morning Remus didn't wake up until Black shook him at around eleven. Remus squinted over his covers and then reluctantly got out of bed, feeling so tired and exhausted already, feeling the moon tugging at his soul. He threw on shabby jeans and an old sweatshirt and followed the other boys down to an early lunch.

"You don't look so well," Black said as Remus stared at his food. "You okay?"

"Huh?" Remus glanced up. "Oh, er, yeah, sorry, just a--a bit tired. Stayed up st-studying last night. After all I spent too much time playing c-card games," he added with a fake stern look.

"Our _apologies_ for being so boring playing games and making jokes instead of the fantastically fun time of reading and doing _homework_," Potter said in a mock annoyed voice. At least Remus hoped it wasn't real... but then Potter was grinning so he knew Potter wasn't being serious.

"Thank you for the apology, it--it was much needed," Remus sniffled.

"Do you really have fun studying?" Pettigrew asked.

"Actually, y--yes," he admitted.

"You're _weird_, man," Potter said, shaking his head while Pettigrew just squinted at Remus clearly wondering once more if he had escaped Saint Mungo's after a confession like that.

Black cleared his throat. "So, I was thinking--"

"Did it hurt?" Potter interrupted.

Black flicked his wand. "Locomotor cup." Potter's glass of milk tipped into his lap. He jumped back, yelping and complaining and giving Black dirty looks. "As I was saying, I was thinking, we should--"

"MR. BLACK!" McGonagall had seen what just happened and stood behind Black with her lips in the thinnest line Remus had ever seen them. "We do _not_ use magic like that. Five points from Gryffindor." She aimed her wand at Potter and the milk disappeared though his pants still looked a bit damp. "If I see you do that again, you'll have detention." Then she gave Remus a rather bewildered look before walking off.

"I was thinking... wait... what was with that look she gave you?" Black asked Remus.

"No idea," he said, watching her retreating back. "Maybe sh--she's wondering what I'm doing with you lot."

"Being bored not studying, that's what," Pettigrew joked and Remus snickered.

"_Awfully_ bored," Remus said trying his best to sound like he'd rather be in the library. "S--sorry, you were s-saying?"

Black narrowed his eyes. "Any more interruptions? Hmm? No? Okay, so I was th--"

"Potter, what on earth happened to _you_?" Evans asked as she came over, staring at his pants. "Did you pee yourself?"

Potter looked absolutely aghast. "NO I DID NOT!" he shouted.

Evans raised her eyebrows. "Right. Anyway, Remus." She turned to look at him. "I was wondering if you wanted to work on our Astronomy assignment together this afternoon?"

It felt bizarre to him when she used his first name. It was the first time anyone his age had, and he wasn't sure how to feel about it. "Er--"

"He can't, he's playing cards with us," Black said.

Evans frowned. "Oh. I see. _All_ afternoon?"

"It's a very intense card game," Potter said in a growly sort of voice, still angry at her comment.

_Technically I didn't agree, or even know if that's what we're doing_, he thought but he gave Evans a faint smile. "S--sorry."

Evans rolled her eyes. "All right well if you _want_ to spend your time with two idiots who got banned from the _library_ for setting _fireworks_ off in there, that's your choice."

"Yes it is, and he does," Black said quickly.

"I'll s-see you to--tonight," Remus lied, feeling guilty he wouldn't. Evans gave him a smile now, glared at the other boys, and then flounced off to get her lunch.

"Not teasing you but _is_ she your girlfriend?" Potter asked.

"What?! _No_! Ew!" Remus yelped without even thinking about what he was saying.

"Good cause there's much more important things than girls right now," Black said, rubbing his hands.

"Like... a card game?" Pettigrew asked.

"Oh no, lads, my plan involves dung bombs... and Filch's office... and we definitely need Lupin."

"Why me?!" he demanded.

"Because here's the plan: Lupin, you're friends with the ghosts, yeah? You convince one of the ghosts to go tell Filch someone is causing trouble on the sixth floor or something. That way none of _us_ will be involved that he can point an ugly, bony finger at when he comes back and finds the dung bombs everywhere." Black spread his hands out. "Yeah? Yeah?"

"Brilliant!" Potter laughed, clapping. "Come on, Lupin, you've got to help us."

Remus shrank back a little bit. "I... err... d-don't know... I don't think any of the--the ghosts would even be _willing_..." He trailed off, though, realizing he _did_ know a ghost that would enjoy pranking Filch. "Well. M--maybe... I _do_ know a g--ghost that d--doesn't like him..." Myrtle had gone off about him once. Apparently he was trying to convince Dumbledore to get rid of her since she often caused plumbing issues. However, Remus was pushing his luck with being nice and friendly to them. He needed to push them away. Not make friends! Even if pranking Filch sounded absolutely hilarious...

All of them were looking at him and he slumped down, rubbing his temples. "Oh, all right."


	21. Chapter Twenty - Nobody Pays Attention In History Anyway

Myrtle was _very_ excited to help Remus and disappeared from her bathroom for about five minutes then came back to tell him Filch was currently on his way to the sixth floor. Remus thanked her and slipped out of the bathroom and waited till he saw Filch zoom by then he ran down to the ground floor to give the signal. Black and Potter disappeared into Filch's office while Remus and Pettigrew kept watch, and soon the mission was accomplished and the four of them hurried back to their common room in fits of laughter.

Remus didn't want to admit how _fun_ that was or how entertaining it was to picture Filch's face when he came back. Apparently not only did Potter set up multiple dung bombs to go off the next time he opened his desk, Black had also stolen (_filched_, Remus thought with a giggle) a bunch of confiscated goods including _more_ dung bombs and firecrackers and various jokes and pranks including three different fanged frisbees, one of which Black threw across the common room and making them need to hide out in their dorm after it hit a third year and bit her ear.

They played cards for the rest of the afternoon until Remus started panicking and trying to figure out how he could escape. He could insist he was starting to feel sick however he didn't want to use that excuse _every_ month. So at around four-thirty he excused himself and went to the bathroom, purposely taking a long time, then when he returned he trembled and shook and began lying.

"One of the--the other students handed m-me a note from--McGonagall," he said, wiping his hands off on his jeans as if he were sweating which, really, he was a bit. "My--my mother's fallen p-pretty ill. I-I-I need to go see her."

"What?!" All three of them stared as Remus grabbed his cloak, hoping none of them saw him slip a paperback book into his pocket.

"I'm sorry--"

"You don't need to apologize, mate," Black said, scrambling to his feet. "Is it really bad?"

He felt awful telling this lie since they all looked so concerned. "Y--yes, I--I suppose so. I--er--see you later." He quickly hurried out of the dorm before they could ask anything else, and made his way to the hospital wing. It was a bit early--a good two and a half hours before sunset--however he didn't mind hanging about the house and reading.

Pomfrey took him to the Whomping Willow through the drizzle and led him through the tunnel, while having an argument about whether she should come get him in the morning. He didn't want her to, she refused to listen to him. She left him at the entrance to the house and wished him luck as he climbed up into the house. She gave him a quick anxious glance through the hole in the floor and then he closed the door.

"Home sweet home," he muttered and turned on one of the lights. He recoiled a bit at the sight of all the bloodstains on the floor and at the dark hand print on the doorway leading out into the hall. He saw his own tiny bare footprints leading out as well. _I'll need to try to clean this, maybe I can convince Pomfrey to let me bring cleaning solutions here tomorrow night_. He went into the kitchen and rummaged around in the fridge which he knew was connected to a fridge in Hogwarts that the house-elves kept stocked up for him. There wasn't a huge selection of food but it was pretty decent. He pulled out some sandwiches and settled in the living room with his book.

At five till seven--just before sunset--he went up to the bedroom to put his clothes an book away in the wardrobe, then came back down to wait shivering in the living room.

And wait.

And wait.

Seven-thirty went by, and then eight. Remus was incredibly bored and also angry--he _hated_ nights like this. He didn't exactly like transforming but sitting around and _waiting_ with nothing to do was just like nails on a chalkboard to him. He wished he could see outside at least, to see if it looked like the clouds would part anytime soon.

Knowing it was a mistake and he'd just destroy it, he hurried upstairs and grabbed his book and returned to the living room. He _knew_ if he transformed he'd tear the book to shreds but he _couldn't_ just sit around and do nothing. He did that enough at home in the pitch black cellar.

About twenty minutes after the clock struck one in the morning, Remus flung his book across the room as pain began ripping apart his insides. He collapsed onto the ground and screamed and screamed and screamed, sobbing and begging the curse to just _hurry up_! His back arched and he began clawing at his own body, trying to tear the pain out from his insides, and that just caused more pain and blood once his nails lengthened. Finally his body convulsed one last time and his human mind shrank into near nothingness.

*

The clouds covered the moon again before sunrise and Remus lay panting on the ground after the wolf ebbed out of him. He wearily looked at the clock. Four in the morning. Less than three hours. His body was no where as destroyed as it was any of the first full moon of the school term, though he did have some pretty nasty slices including one along his thigh that was still bleeding pretty badly. He pressed his hand against the gash and then just lay there for a long time, wondering if the moon would come back out. Sometimes it did. Those were... the worst... ever... though it happened only rarely. If the clouds were come-and-go enough usually he just stayed as a wolf. He wasn't sure if the moon had to be gone a certain length of time or what... he wished he did know. It would be nice to have some actual information--_real_ information and not the constant myths and rumors that most werewolf books had.

At around five he decided he'd be staying human and slowly got up, looking at the gash on his thigh. It was still ragged and open though the other cuts were beginning to heal. _Pomfrey won't be showing up till probably seven-thirty at the earliest_, he thought and then just curled up, drifting into a nightmarish sleep. Full moons as a human gave him the _worst_ nightmares. It was if the wolf was coming out in his dreams since it couldn't in his body. Finally he gave up trying to sleep and dragged himself to the shower to clean himself off. He spent a long time sitting in the shower watching his blood circle the drain.

By the time Pomfrey came (seven-twenty, close enough) he was fully clothed, had put some bandages on the worst parts, and was sitting on the couch, reading. When he had thrown his book it had skidded under a chair and his wolf self hadn't hunted it down. He had also tried his best to clean up as much fresh blood as possible.

"I was only---f-f-for a few hours," he explained when she stared at him. "I feel p-pretty good... can I stay here today?"

"No," she said and approached him. "Where are you hurt?"

"I'm f-fine."

She gave him an incredibly angry glare then just knelt down so she could roll up his pant leg. There was a bandage around his ankle and then her eyes traveled up to see bulkiness on his thigh. "Come along them, Mr. Lupin."

"Please--"

"No, you're only eleven," she said, straightening up and putting her hands on her hips. "Albus made his orders _very_ clear. You're _too_ young to be left alone. Besides, your thigh is bleeding."

He looked down and saw red seeping through his jeans. He sighed and got to his feet, limping along with Pomfrey back to the school. She smuggled him inside to the small private room in the hospital wing. He changed into a gown so she could examine the wound on his thigh and bandage it up properly.

"I wish there was a way to heal this," she muttered.

"It w-would be nice to b--be able to heal up d-dark magic," Remus said and Pomfrey's face flushed a little bit as she realized it was a little awkward to say such a thing to a werewolf.

"There you are. Do you need some breakfast?"

"No th-thank you, I'm--I'm pretty tired..." Now that the sun was up he knew he could sleep a little easier and as soon as she left he did fall into a deep, exhausted sleep.

*

Monday night the cloud coverage wasn't enough to prevent the transformation so Tuesday morning he returned to his human body amidst gore again. He got himself to the bathroom and sat on the floor of the shower to clean himself off as best he could around his wounds. Pomfrey came in during this and he covered his lap with a towel, wishing she wouldn't come. He just sat there miserably as she bandaged him up and gave him hospital wing pajamas to put on so he wouldn't have to go fetch his clothes. She also wrapped her cloak around him to help him get into the school without being seen.

When he woke up for lunch he asked for some parchment, envelope, ink, and a quill. He carefully spread the paper out on his food tray and began writing, his handwriting worse than normal because of how tired and shaky he felt.

_Dear Professor Dumbledore_

_This is the second moon I'm going through at school and I've learned a lot about how things are going from my experience. Madame Pomfrey is an excellent nurse and I am glad she's around however I think there's something that should change about the situation. Coming back to the school every morning is really exhausting and I understand why she insists on doing this but I think it would be easier and safer for everyone if I just stay at the house during the entirety of the moon. I'm very tired and all I'd do is sleep during the days. The only way in and out is through the secret tunnel. Also I know I'm only eleven but I think out of everyone here I have the best understanding of what's going on and I wouldn't do anything stupid if I'm in the house alone. Also I know Pomfrey will argue I need watched over because of my wounds but they'll heal anyway all she can really do is put bandages on them which I can do myself._

_Please consider this. Thank you. Remus_.

He read over the letter, hoping it sounded mature enough to convince the headmaster, and then he folded it all up and stuck it in the envelope, scribbled Dumbledore on the side, and then when Pomfrey came back in he handed it to her and asked her to send it to him, mumbling that it was very personal so nobody else could see it.

He drifted back to sleep, hoping it worked out.

*

Wednesday was bad. He wasn't sure what had upset the wolf so much to ravage his body like this. Perhaps worry about the letter, or the fact Tuesday night he had legilimency on his mind since it was supposed to be his night for another occlumency lesson, but Wednesday morning he woke up in very bad shape (well, 'woke up' meaning his human brain coming back). He just barely pulled a ripped up rug over his body when Pomfrey came in and he knew this was going to be points against him if she mentioned how awful he looked today.

Pomfrey helped him into hospital pajamas and then fetched his things from the wardrobe before taking him back to school. He had to lean heavily against her and shuffle along, wincing his pain every time his right foot pressed against the ground. Pomfrey tutted the whole way and gave off an 'I told you so' air. Once at the school she changed out his bandages and helped him into bed, where he fell asleep right away until pain woke him up, his right leg hurting horribly.

He sat up and saw his leg had fallen out of bed and was dangling over the edge, the wound rubbing up against the side of the bed. He pulled his leg back up, leaving a streak of blood. He cried out in pain and within a minute the door to the room opened and Pomfrey came in. She said soothing things as she carefully peeled the bandage off revealing that the wound was still really bad, all open and jagged and fleshy. She dabbed some medicine on it.

"Th--that won't do anything," he pointed out, wincing at the burning sensation.

"It fights infection," she said, meticulously slathering the potion on.

"I naturally fight that off," he grumbled.

"Well then this will make it go faster."

"D--don't waste it on me."

"Stop complaining," she ordered as she put a new bandage on him. He didn't like the feeling of the cold goop on his leg or the itchy burning it was causing. Then he tried not to glare as she put her hand against his forehead. "You have a fever."

"It w-won't work," he said as she fetched a potion to reduce the fever. "I d-don't think potions really w-work on me the way they're supposed to anyway. I'm not sure." He knew dreamless sleep potion didn't work on him. When he was younger his father tried to give him some of the stuff to help him not wake up screaming after every full moon, and it just gave him worse nightmares and made his tummy hurt.

"You know, whining about all of this doesn't help your desire to seem mature enough to be left alone," Pomfrey said and Remus turned scarlet. "Albus talked to me last night when I returned. I told him it's my professional opinion you need to come back every morning." She straightened up, tugging the gloves off her hands and tossing them into the bin. "I'm not sure if he entirely agrees with me, however, so you may get your wish." She gave an annoyed sort of sound and then left.

Remus slept till lunch and then after he finished eating he got dressed, insisting he wanted to go to class even though he was still wounded and tired. He had to climb all the way to the tower to get his school stuff and then back down to the second floor just in time for class. His entire body was weak and his legs shaky and his right leg aching though he didn't think he was bleeding through. He knew he was pushing his luck doing this... but he didn't want to miss any more classes than he already had to.

Dedenne looked quite shocked to see him and Black, Potter, Pettigrew, and Evans all smiled at him.

"Welcome back!" Evans said though she was looking at Remus in concern.

"Th-thank you," he said, creeping to his seat.

"You all right?" Potter whispered.

"You don't look so well," Black added.

"Quiet, quiet," Dedenne ordered, rapping on her desk for attention. "You can be social _after_ class. Today we're going to begin learning about chizpurfles. Can anyone tell me what they are? Miss Colgate?"

Another class full of Dedenne ignoring Remus's raised hand not that he really cared today. He felt drifty and tired and had to fight to stay awake. Dedenne's class was the worst one to fall asleep in, he couldn't imagine _what_ she'd say if he did. He took wild notes that he could barely even read and as soon as class was over he put everything in bag, intending to go back to his dorm to go to sleep.

"Hey, you okay?" Potter asked again as soon as they left class.

"J--just really tired, I d-didn't get much sleep over the p-past few days," Remus said.

"How's your mother?" Pettigrew inquired.

"B-better, thank you. It... got p-pretty bad which is why I wasn't able to sleep much, but--but she's turned around and will b-be able to go home tomorrow. I th--think I'm just going to go take a nap."

He hoped they'd go off somewhere else however all three of them _and_ Evans all walked with him back to the tower so he had to concentrate on not limping. It was hard going up stairs especially since Black decided to take a shortcut up a flight of steps that had a missing stair so he had to stretch his legs to get up there. He used his left one, but it still hurt. Evans glanced his way when he gave a whimper but he just said he jammed his thumb against the railing and she seemed to believe him.

"You can have all my notes," Evans said when they finally reached the seventh floor.

"We have notes too, you know," Potter said.

"In History you and Black were throwing paper brooms through Binns," Evans said accusingly.

"Oh, like _you_ paid attention to his lecture?" Potter asked. "I heard you snoring."

Evans went a bit pink. "I was not snoring! Though... I might have... fallen asleep..." She turned to Remus. "I'm sorry, but I can tell you what he went over for the most part."

"Lupin takes loads of notes in history," Black said. "Shoot, what's the password again?"

James shrugged. "Don't look at me, I've forgotten."

"They change it way too many times," Pettigrew complained.

Evans just looked at the boys, clearly exasperated. "Fortitudo. _Honestly_!" She hauled herself through the entrance, grumbling about idiotic children.

_Okay you can do_ this. Pettigrew had just scrambled through and now it was Remus's turn. He bit his lip and carefully pulled himself up through the hole, doing his best to stay balanced so he wouldn't fall. He hoped once he got older and taller it would be easier. _Who makes a hole in the wall the entrance?! Oh right the same idiot who put us up on a seventh floor tower_!! He managed to get through without issue though he went so slowly he figured it probably raised suspicion, and then said he'd get Evans's notes later before going up to his dorm, legs getting very shaky at this point. The other three came with him so he'd be unable to change into something more comfortable.

"You can have _our_ notes," Black said as Remus took his shoes off and got into bed. He fought hard to keep his face blank, no evidence of how much pain he was in. "They're probably better than _hers_ anyway. Here."

Remus looked down at the paper Black threw in his lap. "Th--this is a picture of you riding a dragon."

"Oh, er, sorry, doodled that in Defense Monday. Ummm... errr here." He dropped a different piece of paper in Remus's lap.

"I've missed seven classes and you--you've got _one_ page of notes?" Remus looked up.

"And the drawing of me riding a dragon," Black said cheerfully.

Potter and Pettigrew added their notes though altogether it didn't cover all the missed classes. Still... "Th-thank you, I'll copy th-them later, after a... a nap." He straightened the pile and set it on his bedside table, intending to get Evans notes for sure. He then closed his curtains and curled up, one hand reaching down to touch the bandage under his pants, flinching at the slight pressure. His wound was bad again. He knew it was all his own fault but even though Dedenne's class was the worst, he didn't regret going. He'd be missing plenty. He needed to go to as many as he possibly could, whether he was supremely exhausted and horribly injured or not.


	22. Chapter Twenty-One - Foot Meet Mouth

Remus woke up screaming from a nightmare, sweat soaking through his clothes. He expected to hear Spinnet shouting at him but nobody said anything. He glanced around, confused at why all the lights were on... then remembered it wasn't the middle of the night. He had fallen asleep in the afternoon. He gave a groan and collapsed back, curling up into a ball, wrapping his arms around himself. His nightmare had been very vivid... Pomfrey coming into the house before sunrise and he had eviscerated her... he could still see her intestines hanging out of her body... A few tears rolled down his cheeks onto his pillow.

Voices out in the hallway. Remus closed his curtains and slithered back under his covers, not feeling like company.

"...down to supper whenever he wakes up," he heard Potter saying.

"You saw him, he looked sick," Black said back.

"He said he was just tired. He must have had a really rough time with his mother being so ill."

"Yes but he didn't look too well himself."

The door opened and the two boys came in along with the scent of food. "Is he awake yet?" Potter asked.

Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes pretending as if it was from sleep, as Black pulled the curtains back. "We brought some supper," Black said.

Potter came over to set a huge tray of food down on Remus's bed. "Whoa, is that _blood_?" he asked, gaping at the dark stain on the blanket. Remus looked down and saw his black trousers looked a bit stained over his leg. His bandage must have come off.

"No, it's--just--cherry soda," Remus lied, tugging at the blanket to try and hide the stain. "I spill--spilled some the other night and j--just stained while I was away, I guess." Potter didn't look like he quite believed him but Remus was saved by Pettigrew coming bursting through the doors with more food.

The four of them ate though Remus just kept thinking about his leg and all the blood. After he ate enough food to excuse himself, he took a clean uniform and went to get a shower. He wasn't limping anymore, his leg nearly healed--and sure enough once inside the shower stall when he took his pants off and the bandage he saw there was just a pink scar there, though there was loads of blood all over his leg. There were other scars--most of them faded by this point--crisscrossing all over his legs and sides.

_You saw him, he looked sick, he didn't look too well_... Remus mulled over Black's words as he let the hot water wash the blood away. _That's just proof I've got to be better at my mother's rules_, he thought. _No friends. I'm getting... I'm letting them in too much. _He didn't _want_ to push them away though. They were funny and he had quite enjoyed pranking Filch the other day (that reminded him, he needed to ask if anything came out of it, if they were caught...). He didn't know if he could bring himself to be rude to them. He'd just have to... keep to himself again. No more card games.

*

Thursday morning at breakfast was the first time Remus was able to borrow Evans's notes and copy them all down, as well as all the assignments. She inquired about the notes from the boys and Remus just smiled, shaking his head. "I d-d-don't think they're as academically inclined." _Though Black is rather artistically inclined_, he added to himself, realizing he still had that drawing by his bed.

Transfiguration class was spent doing a lot of complicated equations and then trying to turn a ceramic teacup into a glass cup which was loads harder than he imagined. _Adding mass is easier than taking away, _he thought as he sweated and focused and gave himself a headache. By the end of class his teacup was cup shaped and sort of cloudy, the most transparent out of anyone else in the room at least.

McGonagall assigned homework and dismissed class, asking Remus to stay behind. She went around turning all the teacups back into proper teacups until the last student left, then she sat down in a chair next to Remus instead of behind her desk.

"Albus informed me you wish to stay by yourself," McGonagall said, her face quite stern which made him nervous. "He wanted to know my opinion."

"And--and th-that is...?" he asked, shifting around in his seat.

"That while you show a remarkable maturity compared to others of your age you _are_ still only eleven and too young." He bowed his head at that, all his hopes slipping away. "However..." He glanced back up as she adjusted her rectangular glasses. "I _do_ agree with you that it is a risk having you come back in every morning, and out in the evening. Right now we will continue with how things are. Perhaps in your second year we will consider otherwise."

_Not till my second year of_ _school_?! He bit back his comment. "I--I see. Th-thank you, Professor." He felt so disappointed. Though not surprised. Even though he felt older than eleven... felt that he had already lived a thousand lifetimes... he was still young. He also suspected his size worked against him. He bet if he were as tall as Black they'd be more disposed to allowing him to be by himself. "Oh, I n-nearly forgot..." He pulled out the homework that had been due Tuesday and handed it to her.

"I wish all my students were as zealous about schoolwork as you," McGonagall said with a rare smile. Remus gave a small smile back. "Also I was curious how you did yesterday? I heard you went to Defense Against the Dark Arts. Shouldn't you have stayed in the hospital wing?"

"I f-felt fine," he lied. "I took a--a nap afterwards."

McGonagall gave him a _look_, not believing him. "Yes. Well. Best be off to History."

"Thank you, Professor."

*

After History Remus went up to Professor Binns and asked him what all they had covered on Tuesday. Binns just floated off through the wall ignoring him completely.

"Wh--why is he even a teacher?!" Remus complained to Evans as he left the class; she had been waiting for him. "He's so _boring_ and--and doesn't even lecture w-well."

"I had a teacher like that in school, I mean you know, school before Hogwarts. Muggle school," Evans said as they began walking down the hall. "She was very drone-y and just stared at us through these thick glasses whenever we asked a question as if 'how dare you'. Least she got our names right."

"What was Muggle school like?" he asked.

"Ooh, no where near as interesting as Hogwarts," Evans laughed. "I never really fit into school. I was the odd one out. Everyone thought I was just... weird." She reached up, tucking some hair behind one ear. "One time this girl was bullying me during lunch and her juice box exploded all over her. I got in trouble even though there didn't seem to be any way for me to have done it... least, not as a _Muggle_." She gave a tinkling sort of laughter. "Nobody believed me when I said it just popped on its own."

"I b-bet that was all w-weird. I mean, m--magical things happening around you," he said then sort of regretted this. _Too... friendly... you need to STOP_!

Evans nodded. "It was for a while, until I was around nine and met a magical boy who saw me doing stuff, and told me about it. I remember once when I was really young I got into my mum's makeup and my sister came in and caught me making a mess, and she ran off to get mum and I panicked and then suddenly all the mess just disappeared. Mum figured my sister was just trying to get me in trouble. What was it like for you? Being raised in a magical house?"

"Er, n--I'm not really th-the person to ask," he replied. "My f--father worked so it's always mostly been just me and--and my mother, who's Muggle. So I w-was raised with a lot of Muggle influence. Like m-music and books. I mean, I--I read a lot of magical b-books and--saw magic being done and learned a bit growing up but it--it was pretty even st-stevens so to speak."

"I wonder what it's like... for the... errr... the ones with all magical family."

"Purebloods," he said and she shrugged. "Dunno. You c-could ask Potter or Black, th--they're both completely pureblood."

"So's Twycross but we don't really talk that much," sighed Evans. "She's a little snobby if you ask me. Black seems that way too, and Potter's just got the biggest ego I've ever seen. Ooh! You missed Flying on Tuesday. He was showing off so much that Hooch had to kick him out of class but then he just strode around with that group that gathers and talked to them about different sort of flying techniques and then one of _them_ lent him their broom so he just went right back to showing off, but Hooch couldn't do anything since he wasn't near us and I guess there's no rule saying first years can't ride brooms lent to him from an older student. If there's a rule saying we can't have our own brooms there should be a rule saying we can't borrow brooms."

Suddenly Evans stopped. "Are you really friends with them?"

Remus stopped as well, feeling his heart leaping up into his throat. His immediate inner response was _yes, I hope I am_. "N--not really, just play c-cards with them."

"I thought you were."

"Hmm-mm. I th-think they just s-sometimes like a fourth p-person around."

"Well, don't you like them?"

"Er. I--I mean I'm j--just more of a... a..." He searched for the right term that _wasn't_ 'lone wolf' because no way would he _ever_ use that one about himself. "You know, I'm not--not good with... people. I prefer being by--by myself. I d--don't really... need... them."

Evans nodded and they continued walking, turning a corner and then hesitating since Black and Potter were right there, Black leaning against the wall while Potter was twirling his wand. They both just looked at Remus and he realized they had been there that entire time and heard what he said. About them not being friends. About him preferring to be by himself. Not needing them.

_Well, __I suppose that solves that_, he thought as Potter turned on his heels and walked off. Black gave Remus a rather injured look then followed Potter down the corridor.

"Ohhh, I--I'm sorry, I didn't know they were right there! They looked a bit mad. Maybe they did want you around as more than just a fourth person...? What were they even doing just waiting around?" She continued talking but the words just went in one ear and out the other as guilt ate away at him.

_It's for the best_, he told himself as they started towards lunch once more_. I can't have friends... and you wouldn't want to be friends with me anyway_.

*

Despite his conviction, Remus felt miserable as the day wore on. He avoided the Great Hall for lunch and instead ate in the kitchens, and during Potions he felt Black continually looking at him (they had to work on Potions alone and his turned into a horrible gelatinous mess that belched acidic green smoke and earned him a D from Slughorn, and laughter from the Slytherins). After Potions he spent the rest of the afternoon alone in the library. At supper, Black was watching him again. Remus kept his head low, trying to ignore the squirmy illness in his stomach. He wanted so bad to go over and apologize, to say it wasn't what they thought he meant, to try and fix things--but he _knew_ he couldn't.

He considered writing a letter to his parents for some advice but what would he say? Dear Mum and Dad, some boys I've been hanging out with overheard me saying I don't want friends and now they're mad what should I do? He already knew the response. It'd be reassurance to what he already knew, and nothing to help the horrible feeling inside of him. Probably also a lecture on _why is this even a problem if they're mad at you_? He could see his father frowning and his mother fretting.

After study group he spent as much time in the common room as he could, putting off going to the dorm as long as possible. Finally he was too tired and took his things upstairs. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew were on the floor playing card games while Spinnet and Struthers were playing chess on Spinnet's bed. All five glanced up when he came in but only Black kept his eyes on him as he gathered things for a shower. Remus kept silent, the only real sound being the radio playing. Almost as soon as he left the dorm he heard talking.

"You lot fighting or something?" Struthers asked.

"_I'm_ not fighting with anyone," Potter replied coolly.

Remus waited around but nobody continued the discussion so he went to get his shower. When he returned he waited in case they were talking again which they weren't so he went in. Nobody spoke to him as he put his stuff away and climbed into bed. Not even a goodnight. He closed his curtains and curled up, covering his head with his pillow to try and block the sound of the radio out, and trying not to cry.

*

Remus had nightmares all night though none of them really woke him up. It was just him wandering around the dark corridors of the school hearing people whispering about him. _Mental, that one. Escaped from Saint Mungo's_. He also kept hearing Black, Potter, and Pettigrew saying _We should be friends_ and his mother screaming _NO! NO! NO FRIENDS! IT'S NOT SAFE_!

When Remus woke up in the morning his cheeks were damp. He quickly wiped his face off and went to get dressed for the day. Which turned out to be a lot like the day before: loneliness, misery, wishing he could apologize, knowing he couldn't, and lots of feeling Black's eye on him. At breakfast he got a letter from his mother which didn't help anything, it was mostly full of her reminding him to be safe. Also included were a dozen homemade cookies. Peanut butter this time.

After curfew--after a _very_ long day--Remus sat in the common room reading one of his for-fun books when Black actually came over to him. Remus glanced over the book as Black stood there, hands in his pockets.

"Wanna come play cards?" he asked, not even looking at Remus but instead a fixed point about three feet above Remus's head.

_Yes_. He clutched at the book, logic and yearning battling back and forth. _Nothing wrong with that_! his heart told him. _You know you can't!_ his brain reminded him. "N--no..."

Black just nodded as if he expected as much. "All right, maybe later then." He turned and walked off, school robes billowing behind him.

Remus watched him go over to Potter and Pettigrew. "I told you he'd say no," Potter whispered.

"Doesn't hurt to ask," Black replied rather haughtily.

"I don't understand what's happened," Pettigrew complained.

"I _told_ you, Lupin doesn't _want_ any friends, that's what happened, says he prefers being _alone_ to hanging out with us," Potter said, angrily dealing out cards. "He's stuck up. Mental, and stuck up."

Remus buried his nose back in his book, cheeks burning with indignation.

"I don't think he's either," Black said and Remus raised his eyebrows but kept his face behind his book.

"That's cause you're mental too," Potter joked and Black began laughing.

"I try my best. Now come on, finish dealing, let's play."

*

On Saturday the castle was abuzz with excitement as the older students had their first Hogsmeade visit. The third years seemed especially excited, as this would be their first. At breakfast it's all Remus could hear about... even from a few seats down where Black and Potter sat, talking about how it was unfair first years couldn't go and trying to figure out how to sneak in with the crowd. Their plan was thwarted by the fact Filch was standing in the entrance hall checking names off and when he spotted the two kids trying to mingle in he shouted at them until they ran off. Remus was sitting on the steps to the first floor, watching with interest. Finally though the entrance hall emptied and all the students who were leaving were gone.

Remus got up and headed to the library, planning on spending his day there. He only got up the rest of the steps when footsteps came running behind him.

"Oi, Lupin!" It was Black again, a smile on his face. Behind him Potter was scowling. "Want to come with us? We're going to go booby trap the third year boys' dorm since they're _all_ gone. It'll be so much fun." Remus teetered on the thin line between heart and brain, and then slowly shook his head which garnered a snort from Potter. Black kept smiling though it was a bit stiffer now. "All right, maybe another time, eh? 'Scuze us." He hurried past Remus, followed closely by Potter.

"You need to stop," Potter whispered when he thought they were far enough down the hall. "He's never gonna say yes again." Black didn't reply, at least not in Remus's hearing.

_Why is he continuing trying, especially with Potter not wanting him to_? Remus wondered as he started up on his journey to the library again. _It makes no sense whatsoever_. If he heard someone saying they didn't want friends he wouldn't keep pursuing... course he wasn't sure how he'd feel as a normal human... then again Potter seemed adamant about not pursuing the friendship...

Remus shook his head, trying to get rid of the confusion, and then went into the library for a morning and afternoon of nothing but books and quietness... and loneliness.


	23. Chapter Twenty-Two - What Black Said

"It was just built over the summer..."

"It _looks_ like it was built ages ago."

"I was talking to one of the shop keeps, _he_ says it's haunted..."

"Haunted? But it's brand new! Even if it doesn't look it."

"No, no, yeah, I heard the same thing, I heard that the locals have heard the _screams of the damned_!"

"The what?!"

"Several times now. Screams of the damned."

"It's a portal to _hell_?"

"Who lives there?"

"Nobody knows, it just popped up one day, and has protection spells on it. Nobody can get in."

"It's all boarded up. Nobody can even see in."

"It's got private property spells on it, you can't even get close."

"Screaming, you say?"

"Yup, that's what the locals said. It's super haunted."

"What if it was built for someone to _die_ in?"

"Who would do that?"

"Dark wizards."

"So close to Dumbledore?"

"Surely the Ministry's investigated..."

The last comment really got to Remus who was otherwise enjoying listening in to the conversation of nearby fourth years at supper. At first he was terrified, realizing the house he went to was _inside Hogsmeade_!!! But then amusement took over at their speculation. Then the bit about the Ministry plummeted his heart into icy water. What if someone did summon the Ministry to investigate? Why couldn't Dumbledore have had the house built deep in the woods? Again, why a _house_ and not just a hole in the ground?!

Remus pushed his plate away, no longer hungry, and then went up to the second floor to wait across from the entrance to Dumbledore's office. He wasn't sure how long he would be waiting and realized he'd be missing the study group but after hearing all that, he _needed_ to talk to the headmaster. He sat down on the floor and brought his knees up, propping a book open on his lap to read while he waited.

Unfortunately before Dumbledore showed up, Peeves the Poltergeist did.

"Awww lookit the little baby cub, wanting to talk to ol' Professorhead, eh?" Peeves teased and Remus drew his knees up even more, trying to ignore him. "What's wrong. Firstie-Baby? Need a diaper change?"

"That's enough, Peeves." Professor Dumbledore came around a corner and gave the poltergeist a bit of a glare. "Go on." Peeves flipped upside down and gave a raspberry before disappearing. "Mr. Lupin, is everything all right?"

Remus had scrambled to his feet, dropping his book which he quickly picked up, feeling awkward already. "Y-yes, Professor. I--I mean, I don't know. I mean... c-can we talk? Privately?"

"Sugared oranges," he said and the gargoyle stepped aside so the two of them could stand on the revolving staircase. "Don't you have study group about now?"

Remus was a little bit surprised Dumbledore knew all about that, but only a little; it was his job to know what was going on in the castle and he supposed the fact three Gryffindors, two Hufflepuffs, two Ravenclaws, and a Slytherin got together every single night in the library would have long ago reached his ears. "I'll g-go after," he said. "Th... there isn't anything wr-wrong with the study group, is there?"

"Why would there be?" Dumbledore asked.

"I know a--a lot of people th-think the houses sh--should stay apart..."

"There's nothing wrong with house pride, my boy; and there's nothing wrong with befriending those in other houses."

"I--I'm not... f--friends... really..."

Dumbledore made a noncommittal noise as they reached the top and went down the short corridor to his door. He opened it up, allowing Remus to go in first. The phoenix gave a squawk when they came in and Dumbledore smiled, going over to stroke the bird's feathered head. "There's also nothing wrong with having friends, Mr. Lupin."

"There is when you're like me," he couldn't help retort then blushed at saying such a thing to the headmaster.

Dumbledore just glided over to his desk and sat down in his chair, motioning for Remus to sit in one of the chairs in front of it. He sat down, scuffing the toes of his shoes against the ground as he tried to sort out how to bring up what he needed to. "Your parents have always pressed upon you the need to stay hidden and secret, haven't they?" Dumbledore asked before Remus could figure out the right words.

"Of c-course, Professor... I--I have to! It's--they're n-not _wrong _about _that_!"

"No, no," the headmaster agreed. "I'm not saying they are. However... you can have friends and still keep your secret."

Remus didn't really have anything to say to that. _They'd find out, even if I never told them which I wouldn't. They'd figure it out_. He wasn't human and he was a bit surprised nobody had seen through his facade already. "Professor, my--my question is about--the house."

"Which house? Gryffindor?" Dumbledore asked though he clearly already knew what Remus meant.

"N--no, the one in... Hogsmeade. It _is_ in Hogsmeade, isn't it?" he asked and Dumbledore nodded. "P--Professor, when I f-first went there I assumed it--it was out in the woods wh-where nobody could hear me. Honestly, I w-wasn't sure why it wasn't j--just a cement r--room underground. But in _Hogsmeade_?"

"Yes," Dumbledore said rather merrily. "Is something wrong with that?"

Remus just stared at the headmaster realizing finally why everyone called him a bit off his rocker. "There's everything wrong with that!" he burst out, unable to stop himself from having a scathing tone in his voice. "People can hear me! They _have_ heard me! There were students discussing it at supper today, saying it was _just built_ and already _very haunted_ and--and wondering if anyone's gone to the Ministry since they think it's dark magic--which it is, Professor, it is, it's _me_ and it's--they'll--it'll--" He ran out of steam and just gave a tiny wail, covering his face as he pictured the Werewolf Capture Unit storming the school.

"Are you finished?" Dumbledore asked and Remus nodded. "They haven't heard just you, Mr. Lupin. Despite what some people may say about me, I'm not entirely stupid. I've put some enchantments on the place and during the nights occasionally the townspeople will hear the same sort of screams and howls you make. It's been going on since August, and as I said--happens throughout the month and not _just_ during the full moon."

Remus felt himself shrinking down into a tiny speck. "Oh," was all he managed to say.

"I put it in Hogsmeade because a house in the forest would be even more suspicious. Hardly anyone goes in, however sooner or later someone would hear about it or find it, and the Ministry would _definitely_ get involved."

"Oh."

"Also I didn't want to just put you in a dark cement room underneath the Willow because that's just child abuse."

Remus's head snapped up. "Not wolf abuse."

Dumbledore gave him a rather level look. "Perhaps. However, there are times you remain a child throughout the entirely of the night. Is the house not comfortable enough?"

He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "It--is," he admitted however his mind was going to what Dumbledore had said: child abuse. It wasn't child abuse, though, since that's essentially where he stayed during all his moons at home. A pitch black cement room underground. Yes, he was human in there occasionally (and it was nightmarish and hellish and horrible) but--but it wasn't child abuse, his parents would never do anything like _that_.

_They kept me in there even when I was a smaller child, when I was four and five, stuck me in there... did I understand...? What about the nights I stayed human during those times_? Remus wondered, unable to recall any specific memory. Just a funny sort of feeling in his stomach. _But it's not abuse or anything. I'm a werewolf so... it's just safety measures__. It's completely different_.

"Is there anything else you wish to scold me about?" Dumbledore asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

Remus went brilliantly pink at that. "I w-w-w-wasn't--I d-d-didn't--I j-just--"

"It's perfectly fine, Mr. Lupin. You had questions and I had answers which I hope have helped relax you a little bit."

He took in a deep breath, realizing the scolding line was just teasing. "What if the M--Min--Mini--Min--"

"Ministry?" he asked and Remus nodded. "That's been dealt with. They're under the impression a group of rather rowdy ghouls live there currently, along with some ghosts that wanted a place to stay. Which is one reason everyone says it's haunted. That's what the Ministry believes."

Another "Oh." and then Remus felt incredibly dumb for ever questioning Dumbledore's ability.

"Anything else?"

"N... no..."

Dumbledore clasped his hands together. "Mr. Lupin, even if you think otherwise now, I'm very glad you approached me with your concerns. All right?" Remus nodded, not really believing his words there. "All right, then. Have a good day. Enjoy your study group."

*

Once curfew hit he went to the common room and sat in a chair in one of the little nooks, reading or trying to read; his mind kept drifting to everything Dumbledore said, including--or rather, especially the line about having friends. _I can't. But.._.

He couldn't help but look up when the three stooges made their appearance and watched with interest as some third years got into an argument with them over whether or not they were the ones to booby trap their dorm.

According to the third years when they went their dorm they found their beds short sheeted and filled with itching powder, and there was some sort of sticky goop all over the chairs, and finally bug bombs left in some of the desk drawers (which Remus didn't know what those were, however judging from the shouting it involved releasing some sort of fly-like bug when popped). Potter and Black kept insisting they had _nothing_ to do with it and really, any Gryffindor had access to the dorms. The argument got quite loud.

Then another one of the third years got hold of Pettigrew who was trying to hide behind a couch. "I bet this one will tell us."

"L--let go of me!" Pettigrew squeaked as he was shaken rather violently.

"Oh, let go of him," one of the sixth year prefects said rather lazily.

"These three totally ruined our dorm!" said the one shaking Pettigrew.

"Yeah, they should be in _trouble_," added another.

"And if you don't give them trouble, we will," said yet another third year, rolling his sleeves up like he was gonna hit one of the younger students.

"We didn't do it!" Potter insisted, a dazzling smile on his face. "We were busy doing other stuff today."

"Like what?" The prefect demanded.

"Nobody saw you all day," added another student.

"We were..." Potter and Black glanced at each other.

Remus shut his book, the words coming out without him even thinking about it. "With me," he said and everyone involved swiveled to face him. "I was--was helping them with some of our essays. We holed up in--in an empty room, since they're banned from th-the library." The excuse had come easily even though he knew it wasn't a good idea to be nice to them.

The sixth year prefect came over, hands on his hips. "All day?"

"P--pretty much," Remus lied, looking innocently up. "Until supper, at least."

"All day doing _essays_?" the Prefect demanded.

Remus shrugged. "Have you seen their writing ability? I'm surprised it d-didn't take longer."

The prefect stared at Remus then back at Black and Potter who were nodding. "Then who messed up their dorm?" the prefect asked.

"I've no idea," Remus said, standing up now, tucking his book under one arm. "All I know is that _those_ three were with--with me."

The third year holding Pettigrew dropped him and Pettigrew scurried to hide behind Black and Potter. "Next time you accuse someone, make sure it's the _right_ someone," Black said, drawing himself up to full height.

The third years all looked quite confused and muttered amongst themselves over what really happened and Remus took this opportunity to go to his dorm and stay there for the night. Black, Potter, and Pettigrew all trailed after him and he knew they'd want to know why he helped him and the answer was he just didn't know. Like on the train, he felt bad for them even though they got into the situation themselves.

He got to the dorm and threw himself in his bed, shutting the curtains as they were coming in.

"Aren't you even gonna let us _thank_ you?" Black asked and after a moment of absolute silence from Remus, Black gave a sigh. "Fine then, be that way."

He heard them leave and then settled back for more reading, hoping they didn't do anything stupid like give away the lie he told for them.

*

_Someone broke into the house. Remus was pacing in the bedroom, hearing the group of kids laughing downstairs. 'Where's the ghosts?' one of them asked. 'Let's check upstairs!' said another. He crouched, waiting. It was the fourth years who had been talking at supper though they seemed younger now through the eyes of the wolf. They came up the stairs, laughing and joking about the portal to hell. Then they were all in the bathroom for some reason and the bathtub was full of blood. They started screaming and Remus shut the door behind him, a human now for some reason despite being a wolf a second ago. 'What are you doing here, firstie-baby?' Peeves asked, floating above the bathtub and throwing in balloons full of blood. Remus transformed on the spot and the fourth-years and Peeves all screamed. Remus pounced for Peeves first, fitting the entirety of the poltergeist in his mouth and crunching down, sending blood spurting all over the fourth years who couldn't find the door. Remus spun around, spitting out the destroyed poltergeist and then pounced, fitting one of the fourth years' heads into his mouth and--_

He woke up screaming and crying and thrashing about. "No! No! Go away!" He fought against his blankets and then screamed again when light flooded into his bed revealing the bloody mess---

No. No bloody mess. No blood at all.

Remus knelt on his mattress, panting heavily, staring at the other first year boys. "No, I--s--s-sorry, sorry, I--I'm sorry--" he got out.

"He did it again!" Spinnet complained, glaring.

"Shut _up_!" Black snapped and Remus thought it was aimed at _him_ but then no Black was turning to Spinnet. "If you know how to control nightmares then by all means..."

"Yeah, it's called _dreamless sleep potion_, you stupid _Black_!"

"Dreamless sleep potion can't be taken all the time." To Remus's surprise, Pettigrew was the one that came to his rescue.

"Oh and why not? How would you know?" Spinnet growled, turning on the pudgy boy who began shaking.

"I--it c-can become addictive if taken a lot," Pettigrew whimpered.

Spinnet rolled his eyes. "You don't know anything, so how do you know that?"

"Oi, leave him _alone_!" Potter said, stepping between Spinnet and Pettigrew.

"Are you all right?" Black asked Remus as Potter and Spinnet began arguing and Pettigrew quailed and Struthers just watched everyone with a frown.

"No--yes--I--I'm sorry, I d-d-didn't mean to wake everyone up--"

Spinnet whirled back to Remus. "You should be. Psycho." He stomped off to his bed. "Honestly, why would anyone let a lunatic like you into the school."

The worst part was Remus knew the origins of the word lunatic had to do with the moon and so it was truer than Spinnet would ever know. Lunaticus. Moon-sick. He felt like crying. Psycho, crazy, mental, all those other words wouldn't have really hurt as much as lunatic did. _Moon-sick, a perfect description of me_.

"Why are you even friends with him?" Black asked Struthers.

"Because he's nicer to me than you lot are," Struthers said then stalked off to his own bed.

Potter shot Remus a bit of a glare before going back to bed, and Pettigrew scurried off to his own. Black glanced back then looked at Remus once more. "Do you need anything?" he asked and Remus shook his head, still fighting off the tears. "Okay. Erm. Well. If you do..." He trailed off and then returned to his bed, giving one more pale, wrinkled-forehead glance before shutting the curtains.

Remus closed his curtains and curled up, hugging his pillow, wishing dreamless sleep potion _did_ work, even if it was addictive. He never liked having nightmares and they haunted them in his waking hours but just waking up the other boys made it so much worse. _Maybe I could learn a spell to make my bed sound proof_, he thought, eyeing the deep scarlet velvet curtains. _Maybe that will work..._

*

Sunday was spent pretty much in the library on his own, fixing up all his essays due and reading underneath one of the tables for extra privacy. He had lunch and supper both in the kitchens with the Fat Friar for company, and went to study group, but other than that he stayed as much on his own as possible. He also tried studying up on spells that might be able to absorb or block sounds though didn't really get too far. Everything he found involved a more... tightly closed area than a bed with loads of gaps and just fabric as 'walls'.

It wasn't until he was getting ready for bed that night that he realized he hadn't been practicing 'emptying' himself for a couple days now. So he stretched out on top of his covers and closed his eyes, trying to let all his emotions and thoughts slip right out of his head... and it didn't work. He felt bored. And anxious. And irritated, at Potter's radio blasting away.

Then someone knocked at one of the columns at the foot of his bed. His eyes snapped open and he crawled to the end, figuring it would be Black. To his surprise, it was Struthers. "Can we talk?" he asked and indicated for Remus to follow him out of the room which he reluctantly did. They went into the empty bathroom and Struthers gave Remus a small smile. "Hey. So. I know this probably sounds weird but do you... wanna hang out or something? Sometime?"

Remus blinked a few times, not sure he heard right. "Wh--what?"

"I--I didn't really want to before when I thought you were friends with them but I guess you're not, are you? It doesn't seem that way to me at least. I know Andy can be a bit rough but he's a good fellow and I was wondering if you wanted to be _our_ friend?"

It was a logical possibility. Six Gryffindor boys, split into three and three. Struthers wouldn't be too bad. He was a Muggleborn, so less likely to figure out the whole werewolf thing. But Spinnet had a lot of magic blood and both his parents were magic so there'd be problems there, plus Spinnet was a total jerk to Remus about the nightmare thing.

"I don't--like Sp-Spinnet,: Remus said flatly.

Struthers frowned. "He's really not so bad--"

Remus folded his arms. "He c-c-called me psycho for h-having nightmares."

"He was just tired and mad," Struthers mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. "At least he's not as bad as Black."

"What d-d-did Black ever do to you?" Out of all the boys in the dorm, Black seemed the nicest. Then again that might just be due to the fact he was the only one of the group still trying to reach a hand out to Remus.

Struthers looked acutely uncomfortable. "I'm not entirely sure I know what happened, but he called me something awful. I mean, he apologized about it but--Andy says the Black family is... not so good..."

"Wh--what did he call you?" Remus asked, remembering the fight on their first night of Astronomy.

"I don't _know_ exactly. Something to do with my blood." Struthers squinted at the wall. "Mud... blood...?"

Remus gave a slight gasp and covered his mouth. "He c-c-called you that?!" Okay, maybe Black _wasn't_ so nice.

Struthers shrugged. "I think? Andy got really angry and started fighting him and then Potter tried to stop it and Black seemed really confused, and Potter dragged Black out of the dorm, and Andy ranted a while, then Black came in looking really upset and apologized to me and told me he didn't understand the term properly, and I said it was okay but then Andy said it wasn't and insisted that Black knew, er, damn well what he meant, and got into a fist fight with Black. This was when you were sick at the beginning of September, by the way," Struthers added and Remus nodded, still shocked. "I got Andy off of Black and Potter got Black away, and then Andy and I left. He said what Black said is a really nasty term for--for Muggleborns."

"It... it is..." Remus felt absolutely sick he ever defended Black in the first place. He wanted to march to the sixth year dorm and tell that Prefect he had lied and that Black _had_ booby-trapped the third years!

"Anyway, so I was thinking since you're not hanging out with them, you could hang out with us."

Remus looked up at Struthers and thought, _If it was just you, actually, I could probably say yes. You'd have a hard time figuring out the truth. I'd feel safer with you. But not Spinnet. And not with his attitude. _"I--I d-d-don't know, I--I don't like Spinnet."

Struthers shrugged and then nodded. "I understand. If you change your mind, feel free though. I'm sure Andy will be nicer to you once you're friends with him."

"Th-thanks."

Struthers left the bathroom and after a moment Remus followed. Inside the dorm Black gave Remus a smile and Remus just glowered at him, wanting to use the leg-locker curse on him. _Mudblood, indeed! You--jerk_! Black frowned at seeing such a ferocious glare from tiny little Remus and turned his attention back to the board game he and Potter were playing, visibly unhappy now.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Three - I Ain't Been Droppin' No Eaves

Remus didn't know a whole lot about polite wizarding society however one thing he _did_ know was how terrible a term mudblood was and even if Black did apologize, it didn't change the fact he _said_ it in the first place. It sort of made him cold and creeped out inside, and helped his decision of not being friends with them anymore. He wasn't sure if Pettigrew knew, but Potter did and was still friends with Black so... he was just as gross.

Monday was spent ignoring looks Black sent his way and during lunch when the three stooges tried to sit with him he actually got up and went to sit with Evans, Colgate, and Inkwood. He could see Black's puzzled face out of the corner of his eye and there was a momentary flash of guilt and then... _He actually used the M word. To Struthers's FACE!_

After Defense Remus was the first to leave and walked off at a quick, purposeful stride. Black easily caught up with him, grabbing hold of his arm to spin him around. "Hey, Lupin, we were going to play sphinxes again, wanna be our fourth?" Black smiled. Behind him Potter looked bored and Pettigrew looked anxious.

"No," Remus said so darkly that Potter stopped mid-yawn and snapped his mouth shut, eyes going wide. "And don't touch me." He shook Black's filthy hand off his arm and returned to his brisk pace.

"What was _that_ about?" Potter asked when he felt Remus was far enough down the hall.

"No idea..." Black muttered.

"I think he's mad at you, he was glaring at you last night," Pettigrew said.

"Brilliant observation there," Black grumbled and Pettigrew mumbled under his breath that Remus couldn't hear. "Guess he's just in a bad mood. Come on, let's go outside then."

*

Black tried talking to Remus that evening, and again in the morning. _Can't take a hint_, Remus thought as he made his way to Transfiguration class. The three stooges were several paces behind Remus and he could feel Black watching him. He decided, in that moment, that Black's eyes felt different from anyone else. It gave him a sort of burning sensation. _Maybe cause they almost seem silver sometimes_, he thought with a slight laugh to himself, as if that could be the case (still, he had to admit, Black's eye color made him a wee bit anxious on occasion; as did Silverlocke's name. Stupid, but it's how he felt.).

After class, Remus left so quickly he forgot his text book. Grumbling to himself, he turned in the hall and headed back past the other students, surprised not to see the three idiots. He discovered why once he got to the classroom door and heard voices on the other side. Talking about _him_. He hesitated then bent in, listening.

"...ere's something wrong with Mr. Lupin?" McGonagall asked.

"He just acts a bit strange, Professor," Potter said. Then there was the sound of something dully thumping something else, and Potter grunted.

"We just... want to make sure he's okay," Black said in a very determined voice. "It's like... he doesn't want anyone near him, most the time."

"Sometimes he's normal, sometimes he's not," Pettigrew piped up and the same sound as before which Remus realized was probably Black elbowing his friends.

McGonagall cleared her throat. "Mr. Lupin's decisions are his, and if he wishes to be alone... that's up to him."

"So he's not from Saint Mungo's?" Pettigrew asked. "Owww! That hurt!"

"You deserved it," Black hissed.

"It is not polite to pry into others' histories, Mr. Pettigrew," McGonagall said sternly. "Nor to spread unfounded gossip. Now, I appreciate your concern for your classmate and for coming to me _with_ your concerns, but as I said his choices are his to make, not yours." There was a clinking sort of sound and then a chair scraping. "Anything else?"

"No, Professor," Black, Potter, and Pettigrew all chorused.

"You'd best get to History."

Remus backed up and stood against the far wall as the door opened. Potter hesitated so Black ran into him. Then Black saw Remus, and smiled. "Heya, forget this?" He held up the book.

Remus silently held out his hand and he was worried Black wouldn't give it to him unless he said something, but Black handed it over. He almost said thanks then remembered the M word so instead he turned and walked off in silence.

"Told you," Potter said. "Nutcase."

*

Ms. Fawley was in the room when Remus knocked at 6pm exactly. He slipped inside and she gave him a smile as she locked and silenced the door. "Hullo again," she said. "I hope last week wasn't too difficult for you."

"N--not more th-than usual," he answered as he sat down on the sofa next to her.

"Have you been practicing?"

"Mostly." He had considered lying but she'd know as soon as she went into his memories. "It's r-r-really difficult."

"It is, especially for someone as young as yourself." She reached up to pull her long hair back into a quick ponytail. "Let's just get right into it, shall we?" Her fingers slid onto his temples and suddenly his memories were being yanked forward.

_Sitting naked and alone in the house, hugging his knees, shivering, waiting for the pain to begin... Pomfrey putting bandages on his wounds... Struthers fumbling with the word mudblood..._

"You d-d-didn't give me much warning!" Remus cried out when Fawley broke the connection.

"Anyone performing this spell won't either," she replied with a shrug.

"Sh--shouldn't we wait until I c--can _do_ it before practicing _that_?" He felt humiliated that Fawley got a memory of him naked, even though nothing had been seen. It made it harder to get rid of his emotions and when Fawley tried again, she as easily as ever got into his head. Afterwards she let him take a few minutes to try and relax. He sank back into the sofa and closed his eyes. _How do I do this?! How do I get rid of everything in my head_? He looked over at Fawley who sat rather primly, legs crossed, hands folded in her lap.

"Is th--there any other w-way to fight this?" he asked.

"Not really. I suppose you could try and learn to fight with your wand to break the connection however in order to do that you still need some sort of control over yourself while they're inside your head, and even then that risks them seeing memories you don't want them to see. This is your second lesson, Remus, and you're only eleven, and have a lot going on inside your head. Stop feeling as though you should have already mastered it."

Now that he had been scolded, they tried again, and a fourth time, and a fifth time. Remus's head began throbbing and it wasn't even six-thirty yet when Fawley tried to end the lesson. "No!" Remus cried out. "N--no, please, we h--have an hour slotted, please."

"You shouldn't push yourself," she said.

Remus shook his head then remembered she couldn't see it. "It d-d-doesn't matter even if I p--pass out, I'll b-be fine. You know that." He scooted closer to her. "Please l-let's keep trying. I n-need to do this."

Fawley reluctantly lifted her hands again and Remus screwed his eyes shut, focusing hard on emptying himself. He sort of thought after such a determined announcement like that it might work but Fawley was able to flip through his memories as if looking through a photo album. He collapsed back, feeling very disappointed, and his head hurting even more.

"That's enough."

"N--no..."

"You're not the only one involved in this, Remus," Fawley said rather harshly. "Perhaps _I_ am tired, did you think of that?"

Remus turned red, as he hadn't at all. "S-sorry, Ms. Fawley, I--I'm s-s-sorry."

"Just keep practicing on emptying yourself. We'll resume next week."

Remus left the room, suspecting she wasn't tired at all and it _was_ because of him. His head still hurt on and off as he went to the Gryffindor tower. He was exhausted, too, and despite it being early he wanted to just get a shower and get into bed though he figured he'd be staying up reading for a while. When he got to the dorm he saw Potter and Black laying on their stomachs on Potter's bed, pouring through a Quidditch magazine. Neither of them looked up when he came in and Remus thought perhaps Black had accepted the fact he had zero interest in being--

Remus stopped when he saw a plate on his desk and a piece of luscious chocolate cake sitting on top.

"You missed dessert," Black said, not even looking up. "So I brought you some."

_I missed dessert because you tried to sit with me and I left the Great Hall_, he thought, dropping his bag on his bed, still eyeing the cake. _It's probably booby trapped, full of some sort of potion._ "I don't w-want it."

Potter snorted. "Told you."

"You don't _need_ to have it," Black said and he finally glanced up. "I just thought you might want some."

He did. He loved the cake the house-elves made here, and always had at least two slices whenever it appeared during dessert. _It's probably got like bugs inside it or something_. Remus went over and broke off a small piece, bringing it up to his nose to sniff. It smelled... heavenly.

"I didn't do anything to it," Black said, sitting up now. "If you don't believe me, I'll take a bite."

"Is th-this some sort of bribe?" Remus asked, eyes narrowed.

Potter just bust up laughing at that. "No!" Black protested. "It's... you missed dessert... I thought... and... all right, whatever then. I don't care." He flopped back onto his stomach and angrily flipped a page of the magazine, very clearly caring indeed.

Remus really wanted it but at the same time didn't want to give in so he just put it on Pettigrew's desk and went back to his original plan of getting a shower. He left the dorm and the hesitated, wondering... and was rewarded. He supposed he should feel bad for constantly eavesdropping... but he didn't.

"What in Merlin's name is his problem?!" Black demanded heatedly.

"Told you, mate. He doesn't want friends."

"He's never _had_ friends," Black pointed out. "He's probably just--scared."

_Too right I am, just not for the reason you think_, Remus thought as he shifted his weight to be more comfortable as they spoke.

"Give it _up_, he thinks you're a jerk anyway," Potter yawned. "He's bonkers. The Slytherins are right."

"Oh, don't _you_ start calling him Loopy now," Black complained.

_Loopy_? Remus wondered, having not hear that one yet. _Slytherins_?

"He is, though!" It sounded like Potter got out of his bed and began pacing. "You know, McGonagall never _denied_ it, she just told us not to pry. He could be. It's been what, six weeks? And all he does is... _hide_ and run and insist on being _alone_! Then he'll act like everything is fine! Then whammo, back off to Loonyville of La-La Land. Merlin's beard, half the reason I was _excited_ to come to school was making friends! Course I never imagined having one like you." Remus could practically hear Potter's stupid grin through the door.

"Me either," Black agreed and there was a sound Remus thought might be a high five. "But you had friends before, didn't you?"

"Well. Y--yeah, I suppose so..."

"See, that's different."

Potter gave a sigh. "Look if you wanna keep trying to be his friend I won't stop you but I'm telling you, s'not gonna work."

"Maybe not but... I can be a right pest if I wanna be, and he can't ignore me forever."

With that declaration it sounded like they returned to looking through the Quidditch magazine and sure enough after a moment they began discussing some sort of broom model that was supposed to come out in the summer that Potter really wanted. Remus tiptoed to the bathroom, wondering why Black was so determined.

*

When he said he could be a pest... he was right.

On Wednesday it felt like Remus couldn't avoid Black at all. The taller boy was waiting for him when he got up and Remus had to go down to the Great Hall with the three stooges trailing after him. None of them actually talked to him except at one point when Black tapped his shoulder and asked if he knew his vest was on backward. Remus looked down and was infuriated he was right, and had to duck into a bathroom to fix it. The three of them were waiting. Potter and Pettigrew both looked annoyed though Black gave a smile when Remus emerged.

"All better?" he asked and Remus just kept walking in silence. "Cool."

They sat with him at breakfast and Remus just read as he ate, pointedly ignoring them. They walked with him to Charms class where Black spent the first fifteen minutes sending notes his way. Since they didn't know any sort of levitation charm yet, Black had to chuck the balled up bits of parchment at Remus who set them on the side of his desk and pretended they weren't there. Once he realized it wasn't working, Black had to figure out another way to bother Remus and did so by making his ink pot slide all over his desk every time he tried to dip his quill in. The last one went a little too far and the ink pot tipped over the edge of the desk and shattered on the floor.

Remus glared at Black who gave him an apologetic look. Flitwick, assuming Remus had knocked it over himself, promised it was fine and used a repairing spell to fix the pot though it was empty now. Black left him alone during class after that though after class he did his best to apologize about the ink and offer to buy him some more.

"As you _should_," Evans said, coming up behind them. "That was a rotten thing to do. What did Remus do to you?"

"Nothing, it was an accident," Black said, then scrounged around in his bag till he produced a rather fancy squat pot of ink. "Here."

"I d-d-don't want it," Remus said.

"Take it."

"No!"

Black shoved the ink pot at him. "I said take it!"

"I don't _want_ it!" Remus shoved it back and Black dropped it. He expected it to shatter too but it just hit the stone and then rolled a bit, not even a crack in it. _Very expensive_, Remus thought as Black picked it up and offered. "No!"

"At least let me refill yours."

Remus just spun on his heels and stormed off. Evans hurried to catch up with him. "Is something going on?" she asked which made Remus turn a bit red.

"He's j-just an idiot."

"I could have told you that ages ago," giggled Evans and Remus smiled.

Then he realized he still thought of her as Evans, and still called her that even though she had been calling him Remus for several days now. He wasn't sure what the proper procedure was for using a first name. She had just started using it out of the blue but he felt a bit awkward to do that, however he also felt awkward asking. But asking seemed better than just doing it.

"Hey, is--d--d-do you w-w-want me to call you Evans or--or Lily?" he inquired.

Her eyes sparkled. "Whichever you prefer, really," she said which wasn't an actual answer.

He felt nervous as he said, "All--all right then. Er. L--Lily."

He supposed this meant they were friends of some sort, which he didn't want. Except he did want. He didn't spend as much time around her as he did the boys and she was Muggleborn... albeit a very studious and intelligent one which he _should_ avoid... but he liked her. She was nice, and helpful, and smiled at him as if he deserved to be smiled at. He remembered her leaning against him during the Sorting, and the card she made for him when he was 'sick' at the start of term.

He thought of what he said to her the other day, that Potter and Black had overheard that he preferred to be alone. She hadn't taken it personally. Did that mean they _weren't_ friends? Or did she think he just meant... not her?

_This is_ _confusing_, he thought as they walked. Then he heard his mother's voice: _NO FRIENDS_! Then he heard Dumbledore's voice: _You can have friends and still keep your secret_.

He imagined what Eva--Lily would say if she found out. He could easily see the look of horror on her face, of hatred, of disgust. He clutched at the strap of his satchel, his breathing getting a little rapid. _No friends._

_Yes friends_. _I want friends._

Actually he wanted more than just Lily as a friend. He rather missed hanging out with Black, Potter, and Pettigrew... however deep down knew it wasn't an option, not with them being all cool with what Black said.

_I do want friends but--Mum and Dad said not to make friends and they're right because it's too dangerous_. Then another thought slid into his head. _But not all the teachers know the truth about me and they're adults and Dumbledore has faith they won't figure it out so why should I think a bunch of kids would figure it out...?_

He had no idea what to do or what to think, and his head was hurting again, and Black was running after him again, and he just wished the day was over so he could go hide somewhere. A tiny part of him considered skiving off Herbology and hiding out in Myrtle's bathroom for the rest of the day; honestly, if Lily wasn't beside him and the three stooges behind him he might have done.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Four - What Black Meant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone reading! I started writing this pretty much just because it's been burning in me for a long time but I am so glad others are enjoying it too! Thank you!!  


Sirius Black was, in Remus's opinion, the worst person on the face of the _planet_. He didn't give up as the days went on and by Friday Remus was ready to just whallop him.

_Just leave me alone_, he thought miserably as Black dogged his steps out of the classroom for the millionth time. _Just listen to Potter already_. He wished Potter would physically stop his friend from bothering Remus but Potter just followed along, seeming more amused than anything else from Black irritating Remus. Remus thought Potter finally realized how annoyed Remus was _getting_ and that's why he didn't bother stopping Black.

"See you later!" Black said when they reached the library, and Remus disappeared through the doors with absolute relief that the two idiots were banned and he could have _some_ freedom.

But then Pettigrew came in, nervously looking around as he wandered through the aisles and headed right to Remus. "Um, Sirius said to give you this," he said and set a wrapped present down.

"Ugh!" he groaned when he saw an ink pot sitting inside the little box. "Give this back to him." Remus shoved the ink pot to Pettigrew who looked at it in confusion. "Tell him I don't want it. Or--or keep it for yourself, I don't care."

Pettigrew picked it up, studying it as if he had never seen one before. "He really wants to be friends with you."

"I don't care, I don't _want_ friends, you can tell him that too," Remus said.

"Why not?" Pettigrew lowered his hands and stared at Remus with wide brown eyes. "I didn't really have friends before Hogwarts either, you know. All the kids back home teased me." He began turning the ink pot around in his hand as he studied it, reminding Remus a bit of a rodent. "Mum and Dad had me go to a Muggle school before Hogwarts cause they said they wasn't sure if I'd go to Hogwarts and wanted to be sure I had an education and everyone bullied me there. But now I have friends! James and Sirius are really cool, you know."

Remus kept his mouth shut since he wondered how much of a friendship they really had. Sometimes it seemed like Pettigrew was just chasing after them all the time and they only gave him attention when they needed him to do something for them, or needed a guinea pig.

"Did you go to Muggle school?"

"No," Remus said hesitantly. "I was... kept at home..."

"Oh." Pettigrew finally set the ink pot down. "Did you ever know _anyone_?"

Remus swallowed a bit heavily. "N... no," he admitted. "We kept to ourselves..."

"Oh. Sirius says you're too scared to have friends."

Remus raised his eyebrows, though he already knew that. "I am not _scared_, I just--just don't... need friends."

"Everyone needs friends," Pettigrew said as if it were the most simple, obvious thing in the world, and it sorta hurt Remus's chest. "If you don't wanna be friends with them you can be friends with _me_!" Pettigrew gave him such an earnest smile that Remus couldn't help but smile back. "I know I'm no where near as cool as James or Sirius so I know it's not as good a--err... you know, it's not as, uh, fun, I guess."

"You're better than them, you know," Remus said and Pettigrew just stared. "They're both egotistical, narcissistic, supercilious braggarts."

"I don't think I know what those words mean," Pettigrew mumbled, going a bit pink.

"Stuck-up, braggy snobs."

"They're not!" Pettigrew argued. "I mean they are a little, I guess, but they're both really fun. You should hang out with us again. You had fun playing cards, right? But then you started ignoring us--er, them, I guess, for no reason--"

Remus closed the book he had been reading and leaned forward. "It wasn't for no reason. I found out what he called Struthers and frankly, I have zero desire to have anything to do with someone who says such a thing!"

Pettigrew tilt his head to one side. "Huh? Struthers? What did he call Struthers?"

"I'm not repeating it!" Remus glanced around then bent in close. "The 'm' word."

"M?" Pettigrew's face scrunched up.

Remus leaned in so close their faces were hardly an inch apart. "A bad word for Muggleborn?" he whispered.

Pettigrew's mouth hung open a little and for a second Remus wondered if Pettigrew didn't know about it. "That? That was weeks ago."

"So?!" Remus sat back in his chair, folding his arms. "He could have said it a year ago, it doesn't make it any better!"

"But he--"

"Are you really defending someone for using that nasty word?!" Remus felt cold creeping through his body and he no longer wanted the third stooge to be near him. "If you are, go away.

"No, but--"

"Go away!"

Pettigrew's face fell then he looked annoyed. "For a know-it-all you can be kinda dumb." He grabbed the ink pot and stood up. "Cause getting mad at someone without knowing what _really_ happened is stupid." With that he left the library and Remus watched him go, wondering what he meant by that. Struthers obviously didn't lie about that, and it matched up with the fight Spinnet and Black had after that first Astronomy lesson.

Remus just sat there for several minutes then opened the book up, trying--and failing--to read.

*

Just before supper Remus left the library and found Black waiting for him. Remus pressed his lips together in a similar disapproving-thin-line that Professor McGonagall often got, and walked past him.

"Hey, can we talk?" Black followed him. "Peter told me about what you said."

"Are you t-trying to deny what you called him?" Remus demanded, keeping his eyes forward.

Black flinched. "No, but--"

"Then no."

Black grabbed Remus's arm and dragged him off into a nearby side corridor, ignoring Remus's protests. He then pushed Remus up against the wall and put his hands on either side of him so he couldn't easily escape. His silver eyes were flashing and Remus hugged his bag to his chest tightly, thinking he was about to get beaten up.

"I _said_ it, but I didn't _mean_ it like that," Black said "And--"

Remus interrupted him with, "There's only one--"

"Just let me talk!" Black growled, cutting him off. Remus gulped, feeling uncomfortable with Black so close to him, with his arms penning him in. "Okay so the thing is, my... my family..." Black's brow furrowed and he just looked into Remus's eyes, having a hard time speaking. "My family... always... used that term... I--I... always thought it was just another word for Muggleborn, okay? I didn't know that it was--that it meant something worse, so I said it, and everyone went crazy, and I didn't know why, and then James explained to me and--"

Black finally moved his arms, and stepped back, running his fingers through his hair in a distraught manner. "I felt so bad. I did. I swear I had no idea what it actually meant and I went right back in and _apologized_ to Struthers and he accepted my apology even if Spinnet didn't, Spinnet kept insisting I purposely used it when--I didn't. I just meant... Muggleborn. I didn't know."

Remus was still clutching his bag and just stared at Black.

"I know, it's stupid of me to not know but... that's what happened," Black muttered. More silence. "Could you say something now?"

Remus had no idea _what_ to say. Struthers had even said Black said he hadn't meant it like that and Remus just assumed... But he felt kinda confused about it because Black said his family used that term all the time. What kind of family did that? He recalled the Howler Black had gotten on the first morning, and how everyone expected him to be in Slytherin, the Slytherins called him 'traitor' when he was sorted, and... Potter had said 'you're from _that_ Black family', and Spinnet kept using Black's name almost like an insult. He felt a little frustrated at not understanding, at not fully knowing about more pureblood families so he _could_ understand.

"I--I'm sorry," Remus finally got out. "I... should... have f-found out more before..."

The furrowed brow disappeared. "Nah, it's understandable why you just thought that way." He pushed his hair back and then began carefully smoothing it out. "Now that we've got _that_ sorted out, let's go to supper." Black walked off and Remus stayed where he was. Black turned around when he realized he was alone. "C'mon!"

"J--just because you're n--not the jerk I th--thought you were, doesn't mean I suddenly want to be friends," Remus said.

Black blinked once then approached him again. "Why not?"

_Good grief_! "I don't want friends!"

"Why do you hate me?" he asked, scowling now.

"I d-don't _hate_ you! I mean, I d--did when I thought you..." Remus took a step and nearly dropped his bag, arms slithering around to keep it held though it drooped pretty low. "But it's nothing to do with whether I _hate_ you or--or not. I don't need friends."

Remus thought Black might say the same things Pettigrew said, or argue, or _something_. Instead he just went, "Okay." then reached out and took Remus's bag from him. "Let's go to supper."

"Give that back!"

"It's too heavy for you," Black said, pulling it up onto his shoulder. "How many books do you _have_ in here?"

Remus didn't want to admit he had a hard time carrying it out of the library. "Give it back."

"Let me carry it for you."

"What is your problem?!"

"Huh? I don't have one."

Remus grabbed his bag and yanked it off of Black's shoulder, or tried to. Black managed to snag the strap. "Obviously you do, you can't understand a simple phrase. Leave. Me. Alone!"

Black tugged at the bag. "I'm just trying to be nice--"

Remus tugged back. "You're being annoying!"

Tug! "Well, you're being stupid!"

Tug! "I take it back! You _are_ a jerk!"

Rrrrrrrrip!!! All the books, paper, ink, quills, and candy fell out, spilling _everywhere_ and Remus's only other pot of ink shattered, sending ink splattering all over the books and their shoes. Remus and Black just sort of stared at the mess for a few silent seconds and then Remus exploded.

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID! YOU COULDN'T JUST LEAVE IT ALONE! YOU'RE NOT NICE AT ALL! YOU'RE AN ABSOLUTE OGRE!"

"I'm sorry--Merlin, I didn't mean--"

"NO YOU NEVER 'MEAN', DO YOU?!" Remus knelt down and began gathering everything up, relieved to see the library books had spells on them to repel the ink. His bought books weren't in good shape though and tears began filling his eyes as he saw his copy of _The Phantom Tollbooth_ had been absolutely ruined.

"I'm sorry..." Black crouched down trying to help gather everything.

"Just go away! Leave me alone!" Remus snapped, grabbing the book Black had reached for, yanking it closer.

"I was just trying to help!"

"You can help by STAYING AWAY FROM ME!"

All of a sudden a figure appeared at the end of the corridor. It was the librarian. "What is going on?! Why is there shouting right outside my--Oh, it's _you_," he sneered, seeing Black. "I thought I banned you."

"You did, I'm not in the library unless you've extended the boundaries for some reason," Black replied.

Farrow glared. "I don't appreciate your mouth. And you...!" He looked at Remus. "What have you done to my books?!"

"I--"

"These are to be treated with _respect_ and you've gone flinging them to the floor!"

Black stood up quickly. "It's my fault."

"I don't care! You!" He pointed at Remus. "Don't you even think about coming back in tonight, if you've no respect for books!" He came over and grabbed the three heavy books out of Remus's hands. "And you're not keeping these either, I'm taking them back to _safety_!" He marched back to the library.

Remus felt like he might spontaneously combust or something, his entire body felt absolutely _burning_ with anger, and the wolf was digging in, panting for bloodshed. For revenge. He grabbed all his stuff, ignoring the ink spreading on his uniform, and the tattered remains of his bag, and gave Black the fiercest glare he could dredge up with was scarier than he thought he could, as there was something animalistic in his eyes that made Black take several steps back.

"STAY--THE--HELL--AWAY--FROM--ME!" He brandished his wand, caving into the desire even though he knew he shouldn't. "Rosodorus!" Then he spun around as Black began violently sneezing out rose petals, and stomped off, tears going down his cheeks as he went, feeling sick to his stomach for hexing out of revenge, feeling so guilty. Even if Black did deserve it. He gave in to that primal need that he should _never_ give into. And using magic in the corridors again, and hexing another student _again_!

He went up to the dorms, hauling all his stuff in his arms and having a hard time with the stairs and the entrance to the common room. He dropped everything trying to get through and had to pick it all up again, and stomped up to his dorm and dumped it all on his bed, muttering angrily about Black the entire time. He sat down and did his best to wipe ink off his books and then tried the siphoning spell but it was a bit beyond what he knew. _At least my school books aren't ruined_, he thought as he checked the pages. _The Tollbooth is_. He flipped through the ink-sodden pages and then miserably dropped it in the trash bin. It was one of his top favorite Muggle books and it was--well, what he thought losing a friend might be like though he knew he could get another copy one day when he had the money. Still, that one had been with him since his seventh birthday.

_Stupid--senseless--overbearing--BLACK_! Remus set his torn bag down and tried the repairing spell but it, too, was too advanced. _Maybe Pomfrey can fix it. Or McGonagall. I'm going to have to go see her_... He cringed at that, terrified to see his Head of House for cursing another student. Though seeing Black sneezing those bright red petals everywhere had been funny.

After another half hour of sulking, Remus went downstairs to face the music. He sat outside McGonagall's office and waited for her to come back from supper. His stomach was in knots the entire time and when he finally saw her approaching he thought he might vomit.

“Ah, Mr. Lupin, this is a surprise. Is everything all right?” she asked as she opened her office door.

He followed her in and then just stood awkwardly, guilt chewing away at his insides. “It’s ab–about B–Black, ma’am,” he said.

Her half-smile disappeared immediately. “What has he done now?”

“N-nothing!” he said, dreading her thin-lipped stern look soon being about _him_. “It’s ab–about… he, er, he w-was… h-hexed today…”

“Oh, yes, that,” McGonagall sighed. “Pomfrey summoned me earlier when he showed up to be healed. That sneezing hex was quite something. Did you see what happened?

“Well… y-yes,” Remus said, feeling a bit confused at how nice she was seeming if she had already spoken to him. “I did it.”

McGonagall just stared at him for a few seconds then took off her glasses to rub her temples. “Pardon?”

“Um…”

“_You_ hexed him?”

“Y-y-yes, ma’am.”

“Mr. Black _and_ Mr. Potter both confirmed that it was a group of Slytherins that hexed Mr. Black,” McGonagall said, putting her glasses back on and giving that thin-lipped stern look at him finally. “Older students, that got the jump on him,” she added.

Remus slowly shook his head. “No, ma’am, I–I did… it was… was me.” _He didn’t tell on me? I just outed myself for no reason_? _Why did Potter agree to the story? Did Black lie to _him_?!_

“I see. Have a seat. Do you care to tell me _why_ you hexed him?”

He sank down into a chair and withdrew as much as he could, trying to appear even smaller, wishing he could disappear. "He's b-been..." What was he supposed to say? That Black had been _nice_ to him and it was driving him nuts? He started with the argument, then the ripped bag, and finally Farrow banning him for the evening. "... and I g-got so mad and--and hexed Black."

“What was the argument about? Mr. Lupin? Is something going on?” she asked since he just sat there in silence.

His nose began itching and he felt his eyes watering. “N-no, ma’am.”

He waited for her to take points away and give him detention, or expel him. Instead she tapped her desk and a teapot appeared. “I don’t believe you,” she said, as she poured tea into two cups that she conjured up.

_What_? “P-P-Professor…”

She pushed one of the teacups over then took a sip from the other. “Mr. Lupin, I’ve only known you for a few weeks however I sense in you a better character than just hexing him just like that.”

“I’ve h–hexed before!” he protested.

“Yes… and from what I remember that was trying to protect… actually, Mr. Black, no?”

“Y… yeah… bu-bu-but… Professor, I _hexed_ him, I did, and I sh-should be in trouble!”

McGonagall took another delicate sip of tea. “You are, don’t get me wrong, however I wish to know the entire story.”

They had a bit of a stare off and Remus finally averted his gaze. “Th-that’s all there is.”

“Very well. Five points from Gryffindor.”

“Professor, I–I d-deserve more than that,” he said.

“Perhaps. If I knew the whole story I’d be better able to dole out proper punishment.” Then McGonagall blinked and began slowly shaking her head back and forth. “This is probably the first time I am _withholding_ detention to get information.”

“F–fine,” Remus grumbled. “He's been--bothering me. Nonstop this week. Always r--right by me and trying to... talk to me and he wouldn't s-stop and... my nerves w--were frayed."

“Has he been bullying you?”

“N–not really,” he finally answered, feeling stupider with each word. "He's been... t-trying to be nice to me and... yeah..."

“Hmm. And your response to all this was to hex him.”

“I…” He felt embarrassed. "The l--library is all I have, ma'am," he whispered, fingers twisting into his shirt, realizing then he hadn't changed so there was still ink on him. "I know I sh-shouldn't have reacted like that, but I w-was so frustrated by everything."

McGonagall looked him up and down. "What do you mean the library is all you have?"

"I--I spend as much time as I can there," he answered. "It's..." How was he supposed to explain? "Books are--my... friends."

There was a stretch of silence and McGonagall folded her hands on her desk. "Mr. Lupin, I try not to pry too much into the lives of my students however I must ask, are you... insinuating...?"

Remus bowed his head. "I d-don't have any r-real friends, ma'am." _Except maybe Lily_. He still wasn't quite sure about that.

"There are five boys in your dorm, are you telling me not one of them has tried to befriend you?"

"Th--they've tried, ma'am, but... I c-can't have them. It's t--too risky." He shifted around and then began trembling. "It's okay, I c--can deal with it. The loneliness, I mean." A look of distress crossed her face and Remus felt worse. "P-Professor, I came here f-for my punishment. Not--this. Please."

McGonagall stood up and walked over to the window, hands clasped behind her back as she stared out at the lake. Remus waited with apprehension, hoping she’d just… punish him and let it go. _Please_. He heard her muttering to herself about friends and being alone and feeling worried. Then finally...

“A night of detention and fifteen more points from Gryffindor, making it a total of twenty.” She gave yet another sigh, this one full of disappointment. “We were already behind everyone else.”

“I’m s-s-sorry…”

“You have the grades to make it up, Mr. Lupin.” McGonagall looked over her shoulder, that smile on her face that Remus liked so much, that made him feel better about himself. She smiled at so few people and the fact he was one of those… And seeing it now made him feel better.


	26. Chapter Twenty-Five - Pinky Promise

Remus was a little worried that hexing Black would mean Black was after him however that night as soon as Remus went into his dorm, Black shoved two things of ink into his hand.

"If you don't take these, I'll put a hex on _you_," Black threatened and then returned to Potter's bed and the game they were playing.

Remus was too tired to argue so he put them on his desk and then curled up in bed, wanting to ask Black why he had lied to McGonagall, not daring to. _It's probably ego, didn't want to admit I managed to get him or something_, he decided before he shut his curtains and wound up falling asleep fully dressed. He kept waking up as the other boys came and went, and then would drift off again. Sometime around midnight he woke up to hushed arguing and heard Potter and Black. He wondered if they were arguing about him but as he listened in to them for the millionth time that week, he realized they were arguing about some of the Slytherins. It sounded like Avery and Mulciber took offense to their second year friends being accused of hexing Black, and actually properly jumped Potter and hexed _him_, and Black and Potter were complaining about them, debating what to do in revenge.

Remus just lay awake until finally they went quiet, then he waited a bit longer and slithered out of bed. He froze when he saw someone sitting up in Potter's bed then saw it was Black. But he wasn't awake, he was asleep, and Potter was curled up next to him. They had fallen asleep while talking. _They look angelic like that_, Remus thought as he quietly gathered pajamas. Black looked like he could be out of some sort of Renaissance painting or something with his noble features and inky black locks falling across his pale face.

Remus went to the bathroom to change into the pajamas (even in the dead of night he wasn't risking anyone seeing him) and was going to go back to the dorm when he heard a noise down in the common room. He set his dirty uniform down just inside his dorm then tiptoed down the stairs. It sounded like... crying?

Remus crouched on the bottom of the steps and looked across the room, seeing a small figure hunched over by the fire. There was a glint of red, and he realized it was Evans--Lily. Remus watched her as she rocked back and forth, crying into her hands. He wanted to go back upstairs and pretend like he hadn't seen... then considered going in and comforting her... but he didn't know how to comfort. He silently rose, fully intending to go back upstairs, then took the final two steps down into the common room.

"Lily?"

She gave a gasp and jumped to her feet. "Oh! R--Remus, you--you scared me!"

He quietly walked over to her, chewing at his bottom lip. Her shoulder-length hair was a total mess and she was wearing a long nightgown, her feet bare. There was a piece of paper clutched in one of her hands.

"I heard crying," he said. "I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean to bother you."

She shook her head then sat down on the couch by the fire. "I didn't mean to wake you up. Could you really hear it all the way up there?"

"I was on the staircase," he replied, going over and sitting next to her. She pulled her feet up, tucking them underneath her. "Is... everything a--all right?"

Lily looked down at the paper in her hands and then unfolded it, smoothing out the wrinkles. "I don't know." She gave a little sigh and then rubbed at her eyes. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" He shook his head. "Oh. I do. A sister..."

"Is--is she okay?" he asked.

Lily gave a half-hearted smile. "I guess. We used to be really close." She ran a finger down the flowery script written on the paper. "I've written to her several times since starting school, she's only just written me back. Telling me to stop sending my owl because it upsets her. Sh... she says... only freaks send messages by birds..."

Remus frowned at the word 'freak'. It was something he called himself, and couldn't every think of it being applied to someone like _Lily_! "I'm sorry."

She looked back up, the firelight reflecting in her green eyes. "She sent the letter with the letter from our parents 'cuz she didn't want anything to do with Bessie. My owl," Lily added when she noticed Remus's flash of confusion. "I named her Elizabeth. She's a barn owl."

"Barn owls are really pretty," he said.

"I think so too," she replied, a smile now on her face. "Oh, listen to me, rambling on. I'm sorry. You probably don't even care--"

"N--no!" he stammered quickly. "I do! Honest."

"Boys don't care about this stuff," she said flatly.

Remus jerked his head up. "I do, though," he said, knowing he shouldn't at all but unable to stop himself. He couldn't imagine someone doing that. _Only freaks_, he thought. _Does her sister realize she's pretty much calling Lily a freak for doing that_? _Surely not_!

"I guess you're not like other boys," she said and Remus forced himself to keep a pleasant look on his face. "You're nicer. And not loud. And not rude. And you don't run around and set off firecrackers."

"Are you t-talking about all boys or just two in particular?" he teased.

Lily giggled. "Most boys. Though particularly those two. They're awful."

"Try sharing a dorm with them."

"Ew! No thanks!" They both giggled now and then scooted a little closer. "So what _is_ Black's problem with you? Why's he been bothering you so much?"

Remus sighed and pulled his feet up, sitting cross-legged on the couch now. "He wants to be friends and I..."

"Want to be by yourself?" she asked when he fell silent. Remus slowly nodded. "Can I ask you something? Do I bother you?"

He instinctively wanted to say no however he had to think for a few seconds on whether he should or not. He knew he should say they weren't really friends. That they were just study buddies. "No," he said, digging his nail into the think, frayed section of pajamas covering his knee. "I... I g--grew up by myself. Just me and my parents. I'm not--_used_ to people."

Lily looked rather shocked by that. "Nobody?"

"Nobody," he confirmed. "Since my mother's so sick all the--the time, we never wanted anyone around, and... that's just how it was. Black--Black says I'm scared to have friends and I guess he's sorta right." _Definitely right_. "Friends is a... new thing for me." He couldn't believe he was just telling her all this. _Something about her eyes_, he decided, looking away from her. She gave him that open, earnest, caring look that he didn't in any way, shape, or form deserve, and he just felt it was okay to confide.

"Are we... friends?" she whispered.

_Yes_. "Honestly, I... d--don't know. I don't know what... it's like. To be friends." He mumbled all of this, head down, fingers digging harder at the pajama bottoms so much that a hole formed. "I'd probably make a crap friend."

Lily moved even closer, her leg almost touching his. "Friends stay up and listen when the other is crying." Remus looked back up. "And... friends don't care if the other thinks he wouldn't be a good enough friend, cause he is."

They just stared at each other in silence. _Even though it's wrong I don't care, I want her to be my friend. I want friends_. _Was Dumbledore right? He says it's okay to have friends but--it can't be, it isn't safe, if they figured it out... Are my parents wrong?_

Then a new thought.

_Are they both... right? It is a danger to have friends and a risk but... does that mean I shouldn't have them_? _I want friends. I do. I don't like feeling alone all the time. I want to laugh and have fun and--feel like a normal kid once in a while. Is that so... bad? Whether I'm friends with her or not, she'd be hearing the same excuses every month. It's not like this changes anything about that. _

"I... g...guess... we're... friends," he finally said hesitantly, the words feeling strange on his tongue spoken like that. He knew with each word he was betraying his parents. "My... first... friend..." Lily beamed at that then suddenly grabbed his hand, wrapping her pinky finger around his. "Wh--what are you d-d-d-doing?"

"It's a pinky promise," she said. "Haven't you ever.....? Ohh... errr..." Her face went red. "Anyway, a pinky promise is better than a regular promise. And I pinky promise to be the best first friend ever. That probably sounds super girly to you, though."

Remus just stared at their pinkies entwined. Her nail was a bit long and there was an ink stain along the inside edge of the finger. His nail was short from all the nail biting he did, and he too had an ink stain.

"I don't mind," he said, still staring at their hands. It felt... so weird... being touched like that... by someone not his parents. "I g--guess I should promise something too, right? Is that how it works?"

"If you want to."

He sucked in some air, trying to think. "I--g--guess I pinky promise to... try and be... an okay friend...?" He looked up at her, wondering if that was right.

She was smiling again then squeezed her pinky round his even more. "Sounds good to me," she said and let go of his hand. "Thanks for not making a spit swap promise."

"A _what_?"

"Boys at my old school would make promises by spitting in their hands and then shaking them."

Remus recoiled a little bit. "Ewww! That sounds disgusting!"

"Right?" she laughed. "It is! Honestly, sometimes I think boys are a different species altogether."

_I am literally a different species though_, he thought, and instead of feeling bad and hating himself for it, it just made him want to laugh at the irony. "I can't s--say the same about girls. I've never been around'em except for my mum." He thought of the other girls in his class. He couldn't picture himself having a late night chat and pinky promising with them. With anyone. This was something he could never, ever, _ever_ have pictured _anything_ like this.

"So... we're friends, then," she said.

"Yes. We're... friends."

"Pinky promised friends."

Remus smiled back. "Pinky promised friends."

He felt incredibly happy.

*

_Dearest Remus, 15/10/71_

_What's Hogwarts like in October? Is it as pretty as I imagine? Is it as rainy as it is here? Your father says the shop has been pretty busy lately for this time of the year which is really good. Though life at the house without either of you around is terribly lonely, and this time of the year is always the worst. Your anniversary..._

_I've decided to pick up knitting and have been working on something for you for Christmas! I hope you'll like it. Don't worry, you're not only going to get an unfashionable knitted present from your mum, there will be a little more than that ha ha. Oh I can't wait for you to come home for the holidays. I know you've only been gone six weeks and there's what, nine more until you can visit? I just can't wait. As soon as you know the exact date the holidays start please let me know so I can mark it on my calendar._

_Thank you so much for sending copies of some of your homework to us, it really brightens my day and makes me SO PROUD to see how smart my baby is! Of course your father has to tell me most of it. He's gotten me a couple of very old text books like the ones you have so I can read through along with you. You know when your father told me all about magic and showed me things, I never thought my own baby would be like him. My flesh and blood... doing all these wonderful things right out of a fantasy story!_

_Though as proud as I am I would rather have you at home, have your father teaching you out of a book. I know it's not the same but it is so much safer for you. I think about your safety night and day. I know you're keeping to yourself though, you're so smart. I trust you. I hope you know that. I do trust you. It's everyone else I don't trust. A mother's duty is to take care of and protect her child, and you're out of my hands. I suppose I feel somewhat of a failure because of that. I know you're happy there, I just wish you weren't so happy that you wouldn't stay here back home after the holidays._

_Please reply as soon as you can! Miss you!_

_Love always,_

_Mother_

Remus sighed as he read the letter he received on Saturday morning, then he read it through a second time. Of course he'd get a letter like this nine hours after his newly formed friendship with Lily. _I trust you_, he read, the words practically lit up. Like she knew.

"You all right?" Lily asked as he slumped down. "Not bad news, I hope. Is your mother sick again?"

He was about to say no then quickly folded the letter, putting it in his pocket, guilt throbbing through his entire body. For lying to his parents. For lying to his pinky promised friend. "Yes though it's not as bad as her relapse at the beginning of the month, Dad says she'll be staying at home so... that's... a g--good thing, I think."

Lily nodded emphatically. "That's probably true, yes. Erm, is it rude of me to ask...?"

She didn't even finish the sentence but she didn't need to. "A... blood disease," he said, studying the food on his plate. "I... have it too," he added, since he knew he'd be saying he was sick on occasion. "G--genetic."

"Is it bad?"

He began cutting up a piece of sausage with his fork, smaller and smaller pieces. "It can be," he said softly, finally not a lie.

She reached over, her fingertips resting lightly on his wrist for a brief second, then pulled her hand back. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," he said since there was nothing else to say to that.

After they finished eating the two of them headed back up to the common room, intending to get some of their school stuff to work on assignments together. Halfway back to the library they were blocked walking down the corridor by a group of Slytherins. Mulciber, Avery, Bulstrode, and two older boys who looked even more thuggish than Bulstrode.

"C--come on, let's find a different way," Remus muttered, quickly pulling at Lily's sleeve since the Slytherins hadn't noticed them yet.

They turned and then froze as one of the Slytherins said, "Say, aren't those two little lion cubs?" Remus and Lily exchanged looks then started walking again. "Hey! I'm talking to you."

Several footsteps and then a large hand came down on Remus's shoulder, spinning him around. It was Bulstrode. "It's the crazy one," he laughed and then shoved Remus back.

"Don't touch him!" Lily said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Ooooh, so _scawy_!" Avery laughed, waving his hands in a mocked terrified manner.

Mulciber turned to the older boys. "You should have seen the baby trying to fly on Tuesday, we were doing loop-de-loops and he fell off three times!" All the Slytherins laughed and Bulstrode gave Remus another shove.

"If you don't leave us alone, I'll tell a teacher!" Lily said.

That just got more laughter. "Looks like we got a little tattle in our midst, eh?" Avery asked then pulled out his wand.

"You can't use magic on the cor--" Lily started to say and then was thrown to the ground by a spell.

"Lily!" Remus dropped his bag and dove to her side. Avery had been attempting the leg-locking curse but it went wrong and Lily was curled up on the ground, clutching her ankle which was twisted around in a weird way. "You--_jerks_!"

The Slytherins just kept up their stupid laughter and Avery pointed his wand at Remus. "Let's see if I can get it right _this_ time..." Then suddenly there was a wet thumping sound and Avery stumbled as a disgusting, horrific odor filled the air.

"Five on two isn't fair," Potter said from down the hall with Black and Pettigrew on either side of him. Black had his wand out, Pettigrew was clutching a bag, however Potter was wearing one of his potions gloves and holding a dungbomb, tossing it up and down light enough so it didn't burst. "How about five on five?" He threw the dungbomb with perfect accuracy and it hit one of the second years right between the eyes, breaking on his face and sending him staggering around, gagging.

Mulciber started to go for the three boys but Pettigrew--also wearing a glove--pulled out another dungbomb and handed it to Potter who got Mulciber in the mouth. Now Remus and Lily were gagging too as the stench was unbearable with three dungbombs having gone off. Pettigrew's eyes were watering but he pulled out a fourth to give to Potter.

"Whatever, not worth it," Avery coughed out, bringing up his arm to cover his mouth and nose. All five Slytherins ran off down a side corridor, moaning and hacking.

Remus pulled the neck of his sweatshirt up to cover his own lower face then slid an arm around Lily, helping her to her feet. Or foot. "You okay?" he asked as she tentatively put weight on the twisted one.

"Owwww!" she cried out, leaning heavily against him. "No. God, I think I'm going to throw up it _stinks_!"

"Yeah, you're welcome and all," Potter said, peeling off the gloves and dropping them in the bag as the three of them walked over. Pettigrew quickly shut the bag, a look of vague relief on his face.

"You okay, Lupin?" Black asked.

"I'm not the one limping, genius," Remus growled. "Come on, let's ge-ge-get you to Madame Pomfrey."

"I'll help," Potter offered.

"You've been handling those dungbombs, don't touch me!" Lily squealed as he took her other arm, draping it over his shoulder.

"I wore a glove, genius," Potter said, imitating Remus's tone from a few seconds before.

Black picked up Remus's and Lily's bags, following the others to the hospital wing, with Pettigrew trailing behind. Once in the hospital wing, Remus helped Lily up onto a bed so Pomfrey could examine the ankle. Turned out just to be a light sprain, easily fixed.

"How did this happen?" Pomfrey asked as she ran her wand around Lily's foot.

Lily looked at Remus and he knew what was going on in her head. _A little tattle_. Lily looked back at Pomfrey. "I fell," she said.

Potter opened his mouth then slowly closed it. "But--" Pettigrew started to say and Black nudged him.

"But what, Mr. Pettigrew?" Pomfrey asked, finishing the healing magic and straightening up. "Is there something you need to say?" Pettigrew blinked round at everyone then slowly shook his head. "I see. Well, Miss Evans, you need to keep your walking to a minimum today. Rest up that ankle, all right?"

"All right, thank you..." Remus helped Lily off the bed then held out his hand for the bags Black was holding, giving him a look. _If you try that again, you'll be sorry_, he tried to convey with his face. Black slowly passed over the bags and Remus shouldered them both, feeling a bit triumphant.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Six - Quartet Of Coolness

During supper Remus received a note from Professor McGonagall. _Please report to the trophy room at 6pm exactly this Sunday evening (17th) for your detention._

"Detention?" Lily, sitting next to him, had noticed the slip of paper. "What did you do?"

Remus was torn between looking contrite and looking amused. "Hex Black."

"Good for you!"

Remus just nodded and began putting food on his plate. "He's n--not all that bad, and they did rescue us this morning."

Lily's nose crinkled up. "I _guess_..."

After curfew, Remus went to his dorm to spend some time alone--or try to. Almost immediately Black followed him, trying to get him to join them in a game of exploding snaps which Remus turned down. Black stood there looking like he was going to say something else, but then just mumbled an 'all right' and left. Remus returned to his book, not really paying attention to the words. _What do I do about them_? he wondered, idly flipping through the pages. He really missed hanging out with them, more than he'd like to admit. However being friends with them was very different than being friends with Lily.

_Lily's not sharing my dorm, she's not with me as much as they would be. They'd see me more. There's more likely a chance of something happening, of me slipping up, of them seeing that humanity is merely a mask..._

He bit down on his lower lip so hard he drew blood. The familiar taste oozed into his mouth and he just ran his tongue over the wound until it healed up, and the last bit of blood was swallowed. It was probably gross but by this point in his life he was very used to ingesting his own blood.

He leaned his head back against the headboard and stared at the curtains hanging down the end of his bed. He closed the book and ran his fingernail along the cover. _I enjoyed spending time with them. I did. I want to. What do I do?_

He was still staring at the curtains when Black and Potter came in a good half an hour later. Remus jerked out of his spaciness and quickly went back to his book, ignoring the looks Black was giving him.

*

On Sunday evening Remus showed up at the trophy room at five till six and had to wait miserably with Filch leering at him since apparently Remus was going to be serving the detention with someone else, as per McGonagall's orders... until Black finally sauntered in at five after. _Oh great, of course, of course it's with him_, Remus thought, gritting his teeth. He had the feeling this was gonna be a more difficult detention than the one with Hagrid had been.

"You're late," Filch growled.

"Am I?" Black pretended to look shocked. "I _must_ invest in a watch!"

Filch sneered and shoved buckets into both their hands. "You'll be cleaning off as many as the trophies as you can until you're told otherwise... hopefully you'll be forgotten... hehehehe..." He lurched off, cackling to himself at the thought of them cleaning all through the night.

Black put his thumb on his nose and waggled his fingers at the retreating caretaker then sighed rather dramatically. "I suppose we better start, eh? Should have smuggled a radio in. So, what are _you_ in for?"

"Hexing you."

Black nearly dropped the bucket he was carrying. "But I told Pomfrey and McGonagall both that Slytherins did it... I swear I did! Someone else must have seen it happen, then. Maybe Farrow was peeking out of the library."

"No, I--I went to McGonagall and t-told her," Remus said, glancing around the room. He intended to start on the opposite side of the room as Black however Black just followed him and began cleaning off the trophy next to the one Remus started with. "What d--did you do?"

"We were caught in the girls' bathroom on the fifth floor," Black answered and Remus's jaw dropped. Black laughed. "We were replacing the soap with frog spawn soap, or trying to. As I said, we got caught. Peter's a rotten lookout. James has got his detention later in the week. Guess ol' McGonagall thought I'd do better with you, huh?" He grinned at Remus who didn't reply. "I wonder what these people did to get their name engraved on metal," Black pondered as he half-heartedly scrubbed. "Imagine, living your whole life and you end up a name on a trophy."

"That one th--there ended up being a Minister of Magic so I'd s-say she did more than j-just end up a name on a trophy," Remus said, glancing over.

Black looked down at the name then made a face. "Did she? Huh." He set it down, half of it still dirty, and picked up another. "_I_ intend to be known for more than just whatever this lot did. I'm going to be famous one day."

"For what? Being annoying?"

Black snorted. "Not for being Head Boy, that's for sure." He studied the shield and then propped it back up, only the name cleaned off.

"You have to c-clean the entire thing, not just the name."

Black stuck his tongue out then picked it back up. "If my name is anywhere on here, it'd be Quidditch. _If_ I join. You like Quidditch?"

"N... not really..."

"How can you not like Quidditch? It's brilliant. James is definitely going to be on the team. He's _definitely_ going to be on some of these awards for Incredibly Talented Quidditch Players." He finished polishing the shield properly and picked up another. "I bet you'll be on here too somewhere. Award for Geniusness or something." Remus tried not to smile at that, and finally finished the trophy he had picked up. He carefully set it down, making sure it was prominently displayed, then went on to another. "I wonder if there's an award for being Astonishingly Good-Looking, I'd get that one. You know, you _need_ to be our friend. It just makes sense, doesn't it? James will be the Quidditch player, I'll be the Heart Breaker... we _need_ a Nerd on the team."

"And Pettigrew?"

"He's the nice one," Black said in a 'duh' voice.

"And what team is this, exactly?"

Black shrugged. "The Quartet of... ummm... Cool...ness..."

Remus couldn't bother hiding his laughter at that. "That is a dumb name."

"You come up with a better one, then," Black said rather hopefully, moving on to yet another trophy, all of his hardly cleaned at all. But Remus just shook his head. "Anyway, you promised to help us out with the bat-bogey hex, didn't you? Plus that sneezing one you put on me was jolly good. You have to teach us."

"How c-come you lied about it?"

"Huh? Oh, that, well... I wasn't gonna turn you in, and figured maybe I could get some Slytherins into trouble."

"But _why_ didn't you turn me in?"

"Friends don't do that."

Remus slapped the trophy down, the noise echoing off the walls. "We're not _friends_!"

Black just smiled at him. "We could be."

Remus's chest seized, like Black had reached right in and grabbed hold of his heart with his bare fingers. _I wish it were that simple_. He did, he wanted it to be so bad, and only just now realized. After a week of being bugged by Black, it was just that simple statement that hurt Remus and made him question everything. His thoughts from the previous night came flooding back.

"Why? Why do you want to be friends with me so bad?" he whispered, picking up another trophy and rubbing rather furiously at the name.

Black's smile turned to a frown and Remus expected him to make a joke or something, but Black just shrugged. "I don't know. I just do. I think you're... neat. Look, as soon as I met James... it was like... urf... like um..." He scrunched his face up in thought. "Like um, like we were meant to be together. Like, uhhh, instant connection! And I felt the same about you, too."

"So what, I'm your... destiny?" Remus asked incredulously.

Black began laughing. "Merlin you make it sound so weird and dramatic! I'm just meaning that I felt this sort of connection with you, same as I did James. I knew I wanted him to be my friend and I know I want you to be my friend. And if there is one thing I've learned is that even though I usually _don't_ listen to my gut instincts, I should. And this time I am. Or trying to. Does... that make sense?"

Remus ducked his head again, not wanting to answer. _Yes_. It was a perfect description of how he felt about--Lily. And, unfortunately, Black. He _wanted_ to be their friends (and Potter and Pettigrew, even if Potter thought he was mental) even if he _knew_ it was _wrong. _Was this what Black felt? Without the it-being-wrong part.

_It's a bigger risk than Lily_.

"You know, if you hang out with us and stuff, you don't have to talk. If you don't want to."

He kept rubbing at the name on the trophy, feeling Black just watching him. _I don't know what to do..._ He wished he had someone to talk to but--but there was nobody. In the school. In the _world_. The loneliness felt crushing, pressing in on all sides, suffocating him. _I have nobody... because nobody can know_... But instead of that making him more adamant about saying no... it pulled at something inside of him. It sort of felt like the whole werewolf thing was inside a bubble, deep within him. He knew it wasn't. He knew any second the wolf could emerge and destroy _everything_... but he realized if it did, it wouldn't matter if they were friends or not.

_If I do slip up... they'd see regardless..._

_There's no point in hurting myself even more than I already am... is there?_

"I--I suppose I--c-could... give it... a proper try..." he found himself saying and Black grinned so broadly Remus thought it must have hurt.

"Brilliant! On one condition."

"Wait, _you're_ the one making the conditions?!"

"You _have_ to think up a better name than Quartet of Coolness. Please?"

"Oh--fine but I have a condition too."

"Name it."

"You actually polish those trophies instead of swiping the rag and declaring it done."

Black stuck his hand out. "Deal."

Remus looked down and then shook Black's hand. "Deal."

Half an hour later neither boy noticed as Professor McGonagall took a quiet look into the trophy room. She saw the two boys sitting on the floor, talking and laughing as they worked, and she smiled, leaving the room quickly, glad her intuition of throwing the two into detention together had been right.

*

Remus and Black worked on trophies for _two_ and a half _hours_, though the time went by with all their chattering. McGonagall finally came in and shooed them out of the trophy room, walking with them up to the tower so they wouldn't get in trouble for being out after curfew.

Once inside the common room Black spun around to look at Remus. "Was all that the truth or was it just for the detention?"

Remus stared up into his face. "T... truth," he replied.

"Good. Come on then, I think James and Peter are in the dorm."

They were indeed in the dorm, tossing back and forth a bubble made from Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, trying to pop it. Potter was poking it with the sharp end of the quill while Pettigrew smacked it with a hairbrush. The bubble just drifted back and forth between them.

"...lling you it won't pop," Pettigrew said as Potter jabbed it viciously with his quill. It drifted towards Remus who batted it back towards the other boys. "Heya Sirius, welcome back!"

"Thanks!" Black said, striding in. "Guess what? He's our friend now."

Potter raised his eyebrows, looking back and forth between them. "Wait, what?"

"We had detention together and my irresistible charm won him over."

Remus wanted to say, _Is that what you call your constant annoyance_? however didn't want it to be taken the wrong way, or upset Black, so he kept the teasing to himself.

"Are you just being illusional again?" Potter asked.

"No! Tell'em, Remus!" Black said.

"D--do you mean delusional?" Remus asked.

Potter coughed, looking rather embarrassed. "Erm, possibly. So, is it true?"

Remus went over to his bed and sat down on the edge, kicking his trainers off. "So it would s--seem. If... you're okay with a nutcase hanging around," he could not help but add.

Now Potter looked even more embarrassed and gave Remus a sheepish grin. "Heh, right, well--uh, sorry. About that. I don't really think you are, you know." Suddenly he jumped up and opened his desk drawer, pulling a chocolate frog out. "Here! Peace offering. Besides, you know, Sirius's a bit mental and I don't mind him."

Black kicked at Potter's ankles, sending him dancing away laughing. "You're the mental one," Black said.

Potter responded to that by hitting Black with a pillow, and Black dove for his bed to get a pillow and whallop back. Remus just opened up the frog, watching as the two smacked each other violently while Pettigrew made a sort of 'eep!' sound and scurried over, jumping onto Remus's bed.

"D... do you want the card?" Remus offered, wishing he could offer the frog too but not wanting to offend Potter. He held onto the frog while it wiggled. _It's just a spell, it's not real, I'm not hunting it_, he reminded himself as the spell slowly wore off.

"Ooh, thanks!" Pettigrew said happily. "Are you our friend, then? Really?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Good."

"HAH!" Black shouted, triumphantly pumping his fists in the air as he had knocked Potter head-over-heels and was now straddling him, pinning him down. "I win."

"Gerrof me, you great lump!" Potter moaned then wriggled himself free, his glasses askew.

Black beamed from the floor. "_So_, anyway, now it's the Quartet of Coolness."

"What? No! Merlin, Sirius, I told you to never call it that!" Potter groaned. "First the Dashing Duo, then the Trio of Trickery--but Quartet of Coolness is just pushing it. Not the Quartet part, the name part," he added quickly to Remus.

"I agree," he replied, finally taking a bite of the frog since it had stopped moving.

"Gryffin-dudes," Black said.

"Bloody hell, you suck at coming up with names!" laughed Potter.

"Yeah well, I've tasked Remus with finding us a decent title," Black replied.

_Remus_, he thought, realizing it was the same thing with Lily. He figured asking them if he should use their first names would result in them laughing at him, and he didn't want that. _Sirius. James. Peter_. He looked around at them, carefully repeating their names in his head. _A few days ago I had no friends, now I have four_... though, really, he still felt nervous about the boys simply from the fact he was sharing a dorm with them and having more chances to screw up.

Black--Sirius flopped down onto his bed pulling out a broom catalog, while P--James began chewing up another piece of gum. He blew up a large bubble and flicked it into the air then started working on popping it. The other one was floating somewhere above Spinnet's bed.

"They _don't_ pop," Pett--Peter said adamantly.

"They haven't met me," James replied then got into his potions kit, pulling out his silver knife. Remus involuntarily flinched, thinking wildly they figured it out and James was going to come at him with the knife, but all he did was jab the bubble which remained intact. "Man, okay, c'mon Droobles, this isn't..! HiiiiYAAAA!" James slashed at the bubble, sending it bouncing around wildly. "Drat."

"_Told_ you!" Peter said, smirking now. He unwrapped a piece of gum then offered another piece to Remus who shook his head. He didn't think it'd be safe to have werewolf spit bobbing around the room like that. Peter shrugged and put both pieces in his mouth, blowing a _huge_ bubble nearly twice the size of his own head, a mixture of blue and sorta reddish purple. Peter poked at it and it did float though just barely, hovering near the floor. James gave it a kick, sending it careening off of the end of Struthers's bed and then knocking about near the heater in the center of the room.

"I wonder if hot or cold would make it pop," James said, rubbing his chin. He grabbed at one of the other bubbles and jammed his wand against it. "Verdimillious!" he said and the bubble flew off in a shower of green sparks. Intact. "Okay fine, fine. Maybe they aren't so easily popped..."

"Jimmy, look at this broom," Sirius said, flapping the catalog. "Now, if I got a broom, it'd be this one for sure."

Remus pulled himself back on his bed, listening intently as the three boys began talking and arguing and laughing and joking like they always did, however this time he let it in instead of over him, and it felt pretty good. He laughed at some of the jokes though didn't really join in the conversations. They mostly talked about brooms, and he had zero knowledge about that. Sirius came over and showed him the broom he wanted, and Remus nodded as if that was a good broom but he couldn't tell you the difference between that one and any other broom in the catalog. At least Sirius seemed pleased with Remus's response.

The three went back to talking about brooms and then Sirius realized how quiet Remus was being so he subtly shifted the conversation, leaving an opening for Remus to join in but Remus didn't know what to say. He wasn't really sure how to have proper conversations yet, so he just kept quiet. None of them seemed bothered by this though Sirius tried his best, which Remus appreciated. He just hoped with time he'd be able to figure out how to act and talk and seem like a normal human being and not a--well, lunatic beast.


	28. Chapter Twenty-Seven - The Hand You're Dealt

Remus wasn't a _hundred_ percent sure whether he _was_ friends with the three stooges or if it was a developing friendship, but whatever it was he liked it. They went to breakfast together on Monday, walked together to Charms class, and was part of their note sending while Flitwick gave a lecture about the levitation spell they'd be learning within a week or so. One of the notes was a drawing they were all working on. James had drawn something really spiky and weird looking, Sirius had written 'what even is this' to which James replied 'a broom dummy', so Sirius drew a rather well drawn person sitting on the broom. Peter drew a giant wizard hat on the person, a crescent moon, and a bunch of stars. Clearly they wanted him to add something but he didn't know what, so he just did his best drawing some land and a lake at the bottom of the page. He hoped that would work. He carefully sent the drawing back to Sirius who added something then started sending it to James.

"Wingardium leviosa!" The paper flew up out of Sirius's outstretched hand. "Misters Black, Potter, Pettigrew, and Lupin, don't think I didn't see what you were doing." Remus turned pink and ducked low while Flitwick summoned the paper over to study what had captured their interest. "Very good, though actual notes on what I'm saying _would_ be better. Can any of you four tell me who discovered the levitation spell?"

The other three tried to look like they weren't even in class but Remus raised his hand. "Jarleth Hobart, P--Professor, in the sixteenth century."

"Can you tell me what was so interesting about the first public use?"

Remus pressed his lips thin. "He stripped himself n--naked?" That sent the entire class into giggles. James folded his arms on his desk, burying his head to stifle his very loud laughter.

Flitwick waved his hand to quiet everyone. "That isn't quite what I was thinking--"

"Wait, why did he get naked?" James demanded, interrupting the teacher.

Remus was the one who spoke up, not even thinking whether he should respond or not. "He thought he could make himself fly, but--but the spell was just on his clothes. He took his clothes off in mid-air and fell to the ground and broke a bunch of bones--"

"Whoa, you're telling me this dude levitated himself by levitating his _clothes_ then just decided hey Imma streak instead?" Sirius asked which caused more laughter.

"He came to the wrong conclusion," Remus answered with a shrug.

"Yes, though--" Flitwick tried.

"So he stripped down in the air in front of everyone watching?" asked McNab, her eyes huge, her cheeks pink.

"Were there _girls_ there?" Sirius asked which caused all the girls to begin giggling even more, several of them going red. Lily buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking.

"We're talking about the levitation spell!" Flitwick said loudly, rapping his book on his desk for attention.

"Yes but this is more _interesting_!" James proclaimed. "So some wizard got down to his birthday suit in front of a bunch of people and this _isn't_ in the curriculum about the spell? Come on, Professor!"

Flitwick glanced at Remus who felt awful for ever bringing this up though he had assumed that's what he meant about the interesting thing, since, well, it _was_ interesting. Then he sighed heavily, giving up. "Yes. Mr. Lupin was correct. He came to the wrong conclusion. He thought he was making _himself_ fly though he enchanted his clothes, not himself. When he failed to move and merely hovered instead, the crowd grew... hmmm... bored, so to speak, demanding Hobart actually _fly_. He assumed his clothes were making himself too heavy so he took them off and fell to the ground, breaking many bones. The Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot (who was one of the witnesses) fined him for being too silly."

"Now that's what I call a fine," Sirius said.

"I'm sorry but can you imagine? You're told you're going to get to see someone fly on their own for the first time and all that happens is he hovers there for a bit then gets--gets--" Inkwood dissolved into more giggles.

"Naked!" James announced. The entire room was giggling and Peter wound up falling out of his seat.

Flitwick gave them all a rather exasperated look. "Now that we know the story can we please get back to the spell itself?"

But everyone was far too amused and still giggling so Flitwick just dismissed class early. Remus felt quite bad. He hung back so he could apologize, but Flitwick wasn't at all annoyed. "It is a silly story," he said. "Perhaps it'll be on an exam," he added with a wink.

Remus smiled and left the classroom, finding the three boys waiting for him. They were still talking about the story, wanting to swing by the library so Remus could check out a book with the whole story. They sat in one of the courtyards as James read the story multiple times until they had to finally go to Herbology, and poor Professor Sprout had to deal with thirteen very giddy Gryffindors.

*

"So, you're _friends_ with them now?" Lily asked as the two of them walked to Defense after lunch, though the three boys were walking behind them. Not close enough to hear though.

"I... I th--think so. Sort of." He glanced over his shoulder and Sirius smiled at him. "On trial, so to speak."

"After everything Black's put you through?"

Remus just shrugged. "I... w--wanted to be friends with them be--before but was... you know... but when you--well, I r--realized I sh-shouldn't be too scared."

Lily gave a long sigh. "Well. I'm sort of glad. But out of everyone in the school, those two? It's like... going to a huge bookstore with thousands of choices and picking out a book on--on potty training." Remus probably would have spit out water if he had been drinking. He choked a bit before laughing. "It's true."

"They're not th--that bad. And as I said... on trial."

*

Remus sat down on the purple sofa, feeling a little nervous. It was time for another Occlumency lesson, and he knew Ms. Fawley would see he now had friends.

Remus coughed. "Before we be--begin, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," she said smoothly. "You can ask me anything. We really don't have any secrets between each other."

_Actually, I don't have secrets from you, I know little about you_. "You're n-not in c--contact with my parents, are you?"

Her eyebrows rose high on her forehead and she slowly reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "No. I've never met them, I've never written to them; they've never written me. Why?"

"J... just w--wondering..." He wrung his hands, still feeling nervous.

Ms. Fawley reached out, putting her fingertips against his temples. He tried to empty himself but like before it didn't work, and he was pulled through his memories. Like before, she only just skimmed so they were recent memories. _His school bag ripping, Mr. Farrow threatening him, Remus yelling at Sirius and hexing him... Remus and Sirius sitting in the trophy room, laughing at a joke... Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter staying up a bit late on Monday night, getting a place by the fire, playing exploding snaps... _

"I see, that's why you inquired about my communication with you parents," she said as he bent over double, clutching his head. "Mmm. I can't say I'm surprised... however... I must agree with your parents that friends are a risk..."

Remus just curled up in the corner of the sofa, rubbing his forehead. "Yes, I--I know," he mumbled.

"You don't care, though."

"N... not at the moment......"

Fawley gave a long sigh. "I know loneliness can be hard to deal with but you _must_ understand there are very few people who could be trusted with this sort of secret."

"I know."

"Society despises werewolves. My sister saved my life and--"

"I know!" Remus snapped and Fawley frowned. "S--sorry. I didn't--I'm sorry. I know, people hate us. I know it's d--dangerous." _But I'm only eleven... don't I deserve to experience friendship_? He didn't want to say this however knew she'd just see it so he said it out loud though it didn't sound as defiant as he stammered.

Fawley drummed her fingers against the arm of the sofa. "I really can't tell you. It is unfair you're so young, however you are first and foremost a werewolf. That is how the world sees you. You... and other werewolves... the good ones, at least... deserve more than you get." She reached up to touch her scars. "We're all dealt our cards, Mr. Lupin, it's up to you to decide what to do with them."

Remus had a fleeting thought that he'd rather be blind than a werewolf.

"All I know is c--cards are more f-fun with friends," he said.

Fawley gave a laugh. "I suppose that's true. You have been lucky, with your parents accepting you, as well as Albus allowing you to attend school... just don't forget--"

"I know, I know, don't forget the world wants me dead," Remus growled. "Sirius and James and Peter probably included in that, if they ever found out, wh--which they _won't_ I can keep it from them and if th--they ever get too suspicious I'll cut things off."

"Just like that?"

Remus swallowed. "J--just like that."

*

That night Remus stayed up until the other boys went to sleep, then went down into the common room to sit on a windowsill and stare up at the sky. It was a clear night, very dark as the moon was new and not visible. He knew exactly where it was though, that curse pulling at him. This was his favorite time to look at the sky, when he couldn't see _it_. He could see all the stars though, twinkling in the darkness.

He hugged his knees to his chest, resting his chin on top, mind whirling like a tornado. Mostly from Fawley earlier, with all she said, her disapproval of him making friends--and knowing his parents would be the same. He remembered once going into town with his mother... he saw a bunch of kids playing in the park, how he wanted to go over and play too. She had jerked his arm a little, pulling him closer, telling him _No_. _Never_. When they got home she knelt down, putting her hands on his shoulders, telling him he had to keep away from everyone, that the only people he could ever trust was his parents. He then thought of being on the Platform, when she made him recite the rules. _And above all, no friends_.

He sighed a little bit, rubbing his cheek along the old, faded fabric of his pajamas covering his knees. _The Sorting Hat referred to my curse being something I was dealt with, and Fawley did too. Is that really what happened? Did someone look down on this earth, point at my four year old self and go, that's him, that's the one that's gonna turn into a vicious slobbering monster, and then threw the cards onto the table to arrange everything? _Remus looked up at the sky, a tear rolling down his cheek at the thought._ Is that how it works? Was it fate?_

Sirius had mentioned how it was something like that drawing him to James and Remus...

_Is this supposed to go a certain way? Is that what life is? No matter what I do, is the outcome already determined_? He straightened up, letting his legs drop down over the edge of the sill, one hand pressing against the glass pane, eyes focused on the sky above. _Well. If that's the case, it doesn't matter that I've made friends, now, does it?_

*

Remus had to adjust to his new sort of life, with other kids around. On Wednesday he started freaking out when sitting there with James, Sirius, and Peter, their babbling voices overwhelming him like a wave trying to pull him under. He had a moment of absolute terror realizing they were just happily sitting there with a monster. They _didn't know_, and it got to him. The fear, the guilt... He took off running to go hide out in Myrtle's bathroom until he calmed down. When he finally returned he simply said he had gone to the hospital wing as he had suddenly felt very sick

That evening while trying to take a nap before Astronomy, he had a nightmare. _The three of them found out the truth, crowding around him, pointing at him, calling him a werewolf. Calling him a monster. Saying they were going to go to the Ministry. Then James pulled out his silver potions knife, said 'let's see if it pops' and slashed, the blade glinting in the air as it--_

Remus woke up, shaking and sobbing. He wasn't used to werewolf nightmares where he _wasn't_ in wolf form, or turned into a wolf. Someone someone tapped at his bedpost (he thought probably Sirius, faintly smelling him) he mumbled he was all right, not wanting to see anyone, not wanting anyone to see him. He heard Spinnet say 'least it wasn't the middle of the night', then Sirius told Spinnet to shut up. _Don't fight_, he thought desperately, relieved when nobody else spoke up.

He curled up on his side, covering his head with his pillow, trying to get the image of James and the silver knife out of his head. James was currently laughing at something with Sirius, his laughter penetrated through the pillow, into Remus's head. That knife slashing at the Drooble's bubble. Slashing at Remus...

_Just a nightmare, not real, won't happen_, he told himself, clutching the pillow tighter and tighter until it began hurting his head and the throbbing pain gave him something else to focus on.

*

Thursday was spent needing some time alone. He had multiple nightmares after he went to sleep after Astronomy though nothing that woke him up, or sent him into screams (aka waking up the other boys) but they were still nasty dreams nonetheless, and it was too much for him to be around anyone in his free time. He managed to escape from his new friends, tucking himself into a room one of the ghosts had showed him, promising hardly anyone else knew about it. It was a tiny room on the sixth floor whose entrance was behind a stone bench and only moved with a password which the young ghost told him. Remus curled up in the stone room, cheek pressed against the floor as he tried desperately to empty himself.

_If I can empty myself of thoughts and emotions... that would be good even for things other than Occlumency... I don't want to think about things, I don't want to deal with everything inside my head..._

Remus woke up with a jerk, feeling lost and confused for a good two minutes until he remembered where he was, realizing he had fallen asleep. He stumbled out of the room, rubbing his eyes, trying to get a sense of anything. It was nearly six pm. Almost time for study group... Despite the fact he hadn't eaten dinner, Remus opted for the library instead, figuring he had something in his dorm he could snack on later. After study group he headed back to the tower with Lily and Twycross. Lily wanted to play chess but Remus shook his head, going up to his dorm.

"Heya, Remus! Welcome back!" Peter said as soon as Remus went in. He and James were on James's bed while Sirius was stretched out on his own.

Remus smiled, feeling a little bubbly that he was being greeted like this. Peter always cheerfully greeted James and Sirius when they came in, and now he was doing the same for Remus. "Th--thanks..." From inside his desk he pulled out a package of crisps and a cauldron cake to satisfy his growling stomach.

"How was study group?" Sirius asked as he flipped through a magazine.

"Er, f--fine. We g--got a lot done." Remus hesitated, not wanting to sound nagging but unable to ignore his curiosity. "That big Herbology essay due t--tomorrow, you... lot... got it d-done right?"

"Yep!" Peter said. "It's probably no good but I did it."

"I've got... an inch or two..." James mumbled.

"Eh, we've got a couple hours to finish it before bed," Sirius answered with a big yawn.

Peter slipped off of James's bed, giving Remus a rather twitchy look. "Hey... errr... I was wondering if... could you... maybe... you know... kinda help... me?"

"Oh, er, yeah, sure I can d--do that." Peter scrambled around to get his essay. Remus climbed onto his bed, tuckking his feet underneath, reading the terrible essay as he ate. He underlined all the misspelled words, circled sections that were completely wrong, and put brackets around an entire paragraph that was just absolute rambling. When he copied down the okay parts of the essay it was only a couple inches long. He motioned for Peter to come over and pointed out everything, then dug out his dictionary to help.

"If I don't know how to spell the word, how'm I supposed to look it up?" Peter grumbled, flipping through the book.

James dove to his desk and got out a fancy looking dictionary, tossing it over. "Here, you can use mine! It's magicked so just touch it and say the word, and it will open up to it."

Remus eyed the book a bit jealously, remembering seeing it in the bookstore but they hadn't had enough money to purchase the special tome. "Don't forget to be careful of--of homophones."

"Is that like a telephone?" Peter asked.

"What the heck's a _tella-_phone?" James asked, face screwed up, but nobody answered him.

"No, it's like--err--words that sound the same but have different meanings and... different spellings. Like... right as in co-correct, and write as in putting words--down on paper. Or bee as in bumblebee or be as in, in, uh, in to be or not to be."

"Oh." Peter just looked more confused, but nodded as if he understood.

"That explains the problem with my Transfiguration essay the other day," James said, scratching his head. Remus tried not to laugh.

After spending ten or so minutes helping Peter get the essay restarted, Remus excused himself, figuring he might as well get a shower. The second the door shut behind him, voices piped up and he couldn't help but listen in.

Sirius was the one to speak up first. "This is better, innit?"

"What is?" James asked.

"The past few days. Remus being our mate."

"_I_ think so," Peter said as his quill scritched against the paper.

"You're gonna say I-told-you-so, aren't you?" James chuckled.

"Yup, but I _am_ right," Black said.

"Yeah, just don't be smug about it."

"Can't help it, I'm too good-looking _not_ to be smug. Oww!"

Remus smiled to himself and went to get his shower.


	29. Chapter Twenty-Eight - Show Off

"YOU'RE IT!"

Remus stumbled as James gave him a rather hearty shove. He nearly fell to the ground then steadied himself, spinning around and sprinting back towards James. It was a very crisp sort of beautiful October Saturday afternoon with the sun blazing overhead, although a chilly wind cut through the warmth. At lunch James decided he wanted to go do something outside. Remus had never been much of a run-around type, never before having anyone _to_ run around with, and had never in his life played tag but... it was more enjoyable than he expected. Plus it did help him discover something: he was clumsier than he ever realized, tripping over every rock, stick, or bump he came across. Still, it was a lot of fun.

"You're IT!" Remus shouted as he managed to snag Peter's sleeve, nearly sending the both of them to the ground. Remus scrambled up and took off as fast as he could (tripping a couple of times as he went).

Peter huffed and puffed and Remus wondered if he'd even catch anyone then he finally got James who had to have purposely let it happen. James, declaring it unfair that _none_ of them had caught Sirius yet, decided all three of them were 'it' so they could team up to hunt Sirius down. Sirius, with the long legs, who bounded around yards ahead of James, the most athletic one of the group. Remus and Peter both gave up to just watch James's legs pumping as he tried to catch up to Sirius, finally tackling him to the ground.

"You have to give US a head start," Peter insisted.

Sirius got up, staggering a bit. "All right, all right. Ten seconds, go on then."

After about half an hour more of playing and running, the four of them collapsed on the ground, panting for air. Remus stretched out, staring at the clouds above him drifting across the blue sky. His legs burned for another moment or two then the pain began fading, leaving just the exhaustion.

James was the first to get back up, brushing the grass off his clothes. As he rubbed his head vigorously--mussing his hair up--he froze. He brought one hand down to shield his eyes, looking across the grounds. "Hey, check that out."

Remus held back a gasp. There were figures in the distance, near the Whomping Willow. He remembered seeing people there before, on his day he had detention with Hagrid. _Why are they there_?! he thought, panicked.

"What are they up to? That tree's dangerous, isn't it?" Peter asked, stepping back as if the tree could reach them from there.

"I've heard some older students are playing some sort of game with it," Sirius replied, hands on hips.

James grinned. "We should go join them."

"What?! B--b--but Dumbledore said the tree c-could kill you!" Peter whimpered.

"That's half the fun," James suddenly swung his arms around, slamming one of them into Peter's midriff, knocking the wind out of him as he went sprawling to the ground. Peter clutched his middle while James laughed. "Let's play Whomping Willow."

"L--let's n--not," Remus stammered out, hoping his legs weren't shaking He wanted to know what _game_ was being played by the other students. It couldn't be good. However, he didn't want to ask. It might make James want to go over. But James was now chasing Peter with his arms flailing around, so Remus turned to Sirius. "What are th-they doing?"

"James and Peter...? Oh you mean those kids over there? Dunno." Sirius gave a little shrug. "I think they're trying to jump over the swinging branches or something."

Remus shuddered, thinking about Pomfrey chucking rocks to hit the knot as the branches tried to hurt the two of them every evening of the full moon. "Th-that's very dangerous."

"Loads of dangerous stuff 'round Hogwarts," Sirius pointed out. "Last week one of the Hufflepuffs nearly broke her leg when she forgot about that disappearing stair."

"That's very different than purposely going up to a murderous tree and playing jump rope with its branches!" Remus chided.

Peter screamed as James caught up with him, shoving him onto the ground, tickling him. "TICKLING WILLOW!" James shrieked as Peter wheezed and choked.

"I think James is k-killing Peter," Remus said as Peter began trying--and failing--to fight back.

"Probably," Sirius said, obviously not caring. He was still watching the kids by the Whomping Willow. Then as if snapping out of a trance, he turned to face Remus. "Say, you're gonna help with the bat-bogey hex now, aren't you? We haven't really talked about it."

Remus folded his arms. "Is that the only reason you wanted to be my friend?"

"What? N--no!" Sirius protested.

_Oops, I guess I didn't get the tone right_. "No, I--I'm so--sorry, I w-was t-t-teasing!" he said anxiously, his stammering coming back with a vengeance.

"Ohhh! Sorry, I guess I never thought of you as the teasing sort," Sirius replied. "I guess I sort of just saw you as the... you know... quiet... serious nerd..."

Remus pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh. "_I'm_ the 'serious' one?"

Sirius's face went blank then he covered his face. "I walked into that one!" he groaned while Remus giggled.

"Yes, though to--to answer your question, I'll do research on how we c--can make them all furry."

Gasping sounds as James staggered over with Peter following. Poor Peter was bright red, mud all over him, hardly able to breathe. "I won," James said, and Sirius pat his shoulder, offering his congratulations.

Remus stared towards the Willow, hoping this game would get boring soon for the older students. He considered telling Dumbledore but he didn't want to be a snitch, plus he figured if the first years knew about it surely the headmaster would find out about _this_ sooner or later. _Hopefully sooner._ Remus finally tore his gaze away from the entrance to his wolf den, feeling very ill, shaking his head when Sirius asked him if he wanted to play tag. None of the others really wanted to either, so they headed back to the castle, Remus doing his best not to look back.

*

Halloween was a big holiday for the wizarding world. Remus had _always_ loved Halloween, even as a little boy before It happened (at least according to the stories his parents told him about his pre-bitten life). Even after he became a monster he still loved the holiday, looking forward to it every year (the worst was when he was six, when he was recovering from the full moon from the night before. He had to spend the day in bed but his mother had brought in decorations and told him spooky stories). He had gone trick-or-treating when he was very little that he _sort_ of remembered but of course his parents stopped taking him after.

Remus wasn't sure what Halloween was like at Hogwarts though the older students seemed pretty excited for the feast. About a week before Halloween, James and Sirius began forming an idea to try to pull a big prank during the feast. On Sunday afternoon they discussed at great length various possibilities while Remus tried to work on some schoolwork, and Peter desperately worked on doing the locomotion charm, since they knew sometime this week they'd be moving on the the levitation charm.

"We don't wanna do anything to _ruin_ the feast," James mused as he played with a toy griffin that kept flapping around his head.

"Yeah, I don't want to do anything with dungbombs or anything like that," Sirius agreed. James reached out to grab the griffin but it flapped away. "Maybe firecrackers?"

"Locomotor quill," Peter said, focusing hard, the quill barely moving. "Locomotor _quill_."

James stared up at the griffin then slowly got out of bed. "Hey, uh, Remus? Would it be difficult to do this?" He pointed at the griffin.

Remus glanced up from his book. "Do wh-what?"

"This."

"Erm, there's a lot of p-possibilities to what 'this' entails," he said, trying his best not to roll his eyes.

James frowned. "Make something fly around like that."

"You mean, the sp-spell we're learning this week...?"

"No, not the levitation spell, like _this_." He jumped up and caught the griffin. It squawked loudly, struggling to get out of his hand. "Flying around on its own."

Remus swung his legs out of bed, sitting up straight. "You mean, sentient magic? Wow, th--that's pretty advanced."

"No, not sentient magic," James said, shaking his head. "I just mean like make an object fly around like this." He let go of the griffin. It began flapping away from him wildly. "And avoid being caught." He reached out and the griffin flew higher to avoid him. "Like that."

"So... sentient magic," Remus said while James just stared. "You're t-talking about making an object be able to act and r--react, yes?" James nodded. "Th-that's sentient magic. We won't be doing that for-for a while. Not until... n--next year at the least, and even then it won't be as advanced as that." He squinted up at the griffin. "You're thinking about making... griffins... for the feast?"

"Nah, bats," James replied, flopping back onto his bed, looking quite put out that his idea was shot down. "So making bats and having them dive bomb the tables is... not... gonna happen...?"

"N--not in a week," Remus answered and James snapped his fingers.

"Next year, then," Sirius said cheerfully, patting James's back.

"It's a really good idea," Peter said, finally looking up from his quill. "Can you imagine them dive bombing the Slytherins?"

James lay on his back, grinning up at the ceiling. "That's exactly what I _was_ imagining, buddy. Remus, are you sure...? Ah, well," he sighed when Remus nodded. "Next year. So, Sirius, firecrackers you say...? How many do you have left? I'm down to my last dozen..."

*

Sir Nicholas seemed pretty excited about Halloween too. On Monday he floated alongside Remus and Lily (who still seemed quite edgy around the ghosts), talking about his Halloween death nearly five hundred years before, and that he was thinking about performing a reenactment of the beheading at some point.

"Albus has been asking a few years now," he said as they turned a corner. A student accidentally walked through him, yelping from the sudden cold.

"You should, if you think it won't bother you," Lily said.

"I've been dead four hundred and seventy-nine years, I've long stopped being bothered about my death... for the most part..." He reached up, touching the ruffle around his neck. "The only thing I'm bothered about is the fact they didn't get my head off cleanly." He swung his head off his neck and Lily recoiled a bit, sliding to the other side of Remus, holding onto his arm. Sir Nicholas popped his head back on right, chuckling to himself.

"So what's Halloween like in the magic world?" Lily asked, trying to change the subject from Sir Nicholas's grisly death.

"A really b--big deal," Remus said, rather excitedly. "I don't know wh-what it's like for Muggles but for us it's... very important. It's a night when... magic is r--really strong. When the veil between worlds is thin. It's a--a celebration of us. Of magic."

"So, really similar to the Muggles and their history of Halloween just more so. Are there any traditions?"

"Always a big feast here," Sir Nicholas answered proudly. "Depending on the Headmaster you'll get some entertainment; Albus has been pretty good at doing things for the feast. Often he'll have us ghosts put on a show. We did last year; not this year, not sure what he's got planned for this one."

"Trick-or-treating, p--parties, costumes, pranks, telling sp--spooky stories," Remus listed.

"So a lot like Mu--wait, pranks?" Lily raised her eyebrows. He knew exactly what was going on through her mind.

"N--not that they need a special day for it," he said and she giggled. "I imagine it'll be--be worse on April first." He figured it'd be best not to mention James and Sirius had gathered up all the firecrackers they had between them and were planning on setting them off during the feast.

"I'll be dreading that day, then," Lily said. "So... are we supposed to dress up for the Halloween feast? In costume?" She looked at Remus who shrugged, as it had never been mentioned in _Hogwarts, A History_.

"Some students do," Sir Nicholas answered, "though in general most don't."

"Maybe after I've been here a year or two," Lily said, though had a look on her face like she wanted to this year.

Remus sort of wanted to as well. He had seen pictures of his first four Halloweens where he was dressed up in little baby costumes. A pumpkin when he was seven months old, a spider at nineteen months old, a Quidditch player when he was two (his father's hopes and dreams), and a bookworm when he was three (according to his mother his own idea). He was bitten just before the Halloween when he was four. Literally, ten days before. _I suppose I was a werewolf victim that Halloween, and a werewolf ever since_.

It was a bit of a wonder to him that he never associated his attack with Halloween. They had always been two separate things, despite being so close together, and he felt very glad that's how it was in his head.

"Tell us about past feasts, please?" Lily asked, looking up at the ghost.

Sir Nicholas smiled and began telling long rather rambling tales of past Halloweens at Hogwarts. It seemed previous Headmasters and Headmistresses hadn't really gone as all out as Dumbledore did. They did the decorated feasts, of course, but Dumbledore was the one who started bringing in various entertainments. As he spoke, both children grew quite excited, unable to wait to see what their first Hogwarts Halloween had in store for them.

*

On Tuesday James Potter got some really terrible news. When the Gryffindors went out for their Flying lesson, Madame Hooch gave James a _look_ and informed him that in her opinion he didn't have to come to these lessons anymore.

"What?" James looked horrified.

"It's clear you're an excellent flyer already," Hooch said, arms folded. "You're far too advance for anything you'll learn here, so there's no need for you to attend my classes."

"But--Madame Hooch--I like the lessons..." He gripped the school broom tightly, as if daring her to try and take it away.

Hooch shook her head. "All you spend your time doing is showing off."

"I won't anymore!" James promised, stepping forward. The group of kids that always came out to watch were gathered around on a distant slope. The fact it was a cold drizzly October day hadn't deterred them. "Give me another chance, you'll see."

Hooch looked doubtful but nodded. "All right then. Today we'll be flying higher than you have before and working on turning sharply. Then you'll be partnering up to practice balancing by tossing Quaffles around again."

"Oh, joy," Remus grumbled under his breath. He mounted the school broom, slowly rising up into the air, having to be urged by Hooch to get to the asked for minimum height of twenty-two feet. He felt shaky and frightened, knowing how stupid it was to feel this way. The height made him dizzy; he just wasn't any good at flying.

The students began flying, trying their turning. The brooms weren't great so the turns weren't too sharp... however James seemed to be doing a pretty good job of it. Hooch had to shout at him to come down a bit since he was flying way higher than the maximum height, which he did reluctantly. Then he began flying around, doing flips and loops. Hooch demanded he come down to the ground.

"I didn't mean to!" James protested, wet hair hanging limply on either side of his face.

"You did mean to, and that was it."

"One chance--"

"I gave you your chance. You blew it. Back to the castle with you, you're done with flying lessons."

"But Madame Hooch--"

"No buts! Go on."

"This isn't right! You shouldn't be able to deny a student the right to _learn_!"

The two of them faced off, Hooch looking very intense, James looking very angry. "And what exactly are you learning in my lessons that you don't already know?" she asked in a weirdly smooth, silky sort of voice. James breathed a bit heavily as he tried to figure out what to say in response. "That's what I thought. If you're that upset about it, go talk to Professor McGonagall and have it out with her. _My_ decision is final unless she says otherwise. The rest of you, come down and partner up."

"Hey Potter!" one of the other students called, one of the older ones. "Wanna fly around on the Quidditch pitch? You can borrow my broom again." Remus recognized her as Patricia Bell (mostly due to the bright blue streaks in her hair), the one James had said would probably be Gryffindor Captain next year. James grinned and handed his school broom back to Hooch quickly before taking off with the older students.

Hooch sighed rather heavily and had to blow her whistle a few times to get the attention of most the students who were all watching James with jealously. Sirius clearly wanted to go with them to watch his friend fly on a proper broom.

"Maybe they'll still be at it when we're done, eh?" he asked, elbowing Remus as they were handed their Quaffle, then flew back up into the air for the worst part of these lessons, in Remus's opinion. Sirius was quite a good flyer and worked well with the Quaffle but Remus still sucked. He wound up falling off his broom yet again (Hooch had to use her wand to slow his fall and he landed on the ground with nothing more than a bruised backside). When Hooch dismissed the class almost everyone ran to the Quidditch pitch to see what was going on, Sirius, Peter, and Remus included. The older students were there, some of them on brooms though they weren't doing much, mostly watching from the air. James was on a broom too, a proper real broom--not an old school one--doing tricks, flips, and spins. He had a Quaffle, too, tossing it around with Patricia Bell.

"Wow, he's so good," Peter said, clapping loudly every time James did... well, anything.

Remus watched James with envy. He didn't care if he could do those things just the fact James stayed on the broom so easily. He was even doing his standing trick on the faster broom, arms outstretched, suddenly reminding Remus of a picture from a book about Muggle circuses his mother gave him. He couldn't remember exactly what it was called but just a thin wire and someone could walk across it like they were on the ground, their arms out just like that for balance. Sure the broom was thicker than a wire, but the broom was moving. Remus had to clap as well, quite impressed.

James sat on the broom proper now, pumping his fists into the air like he had won some big victory, a huge grin on his face, soaking all this attention in like a sponge with water.


	30. Chapter Twenty-Nine - How To Be A Normal Human

"Astronomy is so neat, don't you think?" Lily gave a bit of a blissful sigh, as the Gryffindors headed back to their tower after class.

Remus shuffled along, really tired since he hadn't gotten a nap in the evening and hadn't slept well the night before. More nightmares. He had woken up multiple times, shaky and sweaty though thankfully not screaming. His Occlumency lesson had been pretty rough due to the full moon looming; he couldn't help dredge up memories of previous full moons. Of the pain, of the sorrow, of the transformations. Fawley had only been able to take take delving into his head about three times before she had to stop, too shaken up with thoughts of her deceased sister.

Lily continued talking, the words just barely floating into Remus's consciousness. "I think it's especially fascinating since it's one of the things magic and Muggles have in common! Learning about the stars, I mean."

"Did you l--learn about it in muggle school, then?" Remus asked with a bit of a yawn.

"Uh-huh though not as in depth as this, it was just in science class and didn't have a whole class devoted to it, but it doesn't really affect the Muggle world as much as it does the magic world."

Remus smiled. "Maybe it d-does and Muggles just d-don't realize it."

"_That's_ true," Lily giggled. "I can't wait until class next week.."

"How c-come?"

"Oh, there will be a full moon! Surely Professor Spring will have us studying the moon _that_ night! I love the moon. It's so pretty."

Remus kept the smile on his face while his insides turned to worms. "Y--yes," he managed to say, trying to sound innocent. "I can't w-wait either." He really hoped the others didn't put two and two together if Spring focused on the full moon with him not there.

Lily grabbed Remus's sleeve. "Did you ever see any footage of the Americans landing on the moon?"

"Huh?"

"Have wizards ever been to the moon?"

"What?"

"Muggles haven't been to the moon!" James laughed, listening in to their conversation. "What a load!"

Lily spun around. "They have so! The Americans did. Muggles go into space all the time! Have wizards really not gone in? Ooh, so Muggles are more advanced than wizards in _that_ sense?"

There was a hush over the Gryffindors until suddenly Struthers began laughing. "She's got you there!" he said.

"Potter's right, Muggles are too--too backwards to have gone into _space_!" said Twycross.

"Are not!" Lily said defensively. "Muggles have gone into space a lot! Americans have _walked_ on the _moon_!"

"Liar!"

"She isn't!" Struthers snapped. "Just cause wizards can't figure it out doesn't mean Muggles can't!"

"Magic is cool and all but Muggles have science!" Lily added with a stomp of her foot.

Remus stepped back as a loud argument broke out. James, Twycross, Spinnet, and Magpie--all purebloods or near enough in Spinnet's case--were the loudest on the magical side while Lily and Struthers--the only two Muggleborns in the group--argued right back. Then to Remus's surprise, Peter actually joined the Muggle side of things, saying he's seen programs about space and his Muggle grandfather showed him stuff all the time. Then Veronica McNab who had Muggle relatives joined in the Muggle side, insisting that the Muggleborns were right.

Remus, Sirius, Inkwood, Nettle, and Colgate just stood aside, watching with wide eyes, though Remus did hear Sirius mutter, "Muggles can't have." He was about to argue that Muggle science was pretty advanced when he heard footsteps rapidly approaching. To everyone's horror, Filch appeared at the top of a nearby staircase.

"What's all this then?" the caretaker demanded, lifting his lantern. All the Gryffindors went silent. "A whole group out of bed, eh?"

"We were coming from Astronomy," James said casually, taking the position of leader in a heartbeat. "Go ask Spring if you don't believe us."

"Why are you all just standing around then, hmmmmm?" Filch leaned in close to James. "I know you, you're one of the troublemakers."

"Peeves was bothering us," he replied, turning to point at a spot in the air. "He _was_, at least. I think he said something about knocking some trophies over or something."

Filch glowered at James then began sneering. "Get to your tower immediately. Filthy little brats..." He hurried off, muttering about Peeves.

"Quick thinking, James," Sirius said, patting James's shoulder.

"We _better_ get to the tower, before he comes back," Lily added nervously.

The thirteen students hurried off, the argument long gone. Remus was just glad everyone had shut up about the moon.

*

_Dear Remus, 27/10/71_

_I know this is your favorite time of the year however you also know it is my least favorite. A week ago. I stayed up all night crying, wishing you were here where I could hold you and keep you safe. I know you are safe there, I must trust that you are. Seven years now. It's so hard for me to believe._

_I had a nightmare. Of that night. Of what I saw. Of you. My precious baby. I see it so often. It makes it even harder waking up, finding your bed empty. I know I failed, as your mother. I couldn't protect you then. But I will do anything and everything I can to protect you now, you understand that, don't you?_

_One plus side of it being that time of the year, it's even closer to the Christmas holidays. Closer to when you'll be back where you belong, even if it's only for two weeks._

_I cannot wait for you to be in my arms again_

_Love, Mother_

There was a package with a dozen freshly baked pumpkin-chocolate-chip cookies. His favorite. He was tempted to shove half of them in his mouth right away but... Remus hesitated, then divided them up. "H... here..." He offered his new friends two each, planning on giving two to Lily, breaking up one to feed Arthur, keeping three for himself. The smiles from Sirius, James, and Peter made Remus feel good, warmth blossoming in his chest. It was the first time that he actually felt like a real friend, not just a hanger-on. After excusing himself (which he wasn't sure if he was supposed to or not, his friends rarely did that. Was it weird?), he went down the table. "M--my mum made these. I th--thought I'd share with you," he said, offering the cookies to Lily.

Next to her, Colgate and Inkwood began giggling. Lily just smiled. "Thanks!" she said, accepting them. "They look really good."

"My m-mum's p-pretty good at cookies," he replied, wondering why the other two girls were giggling even more now.

"Thanks," she said again, grinning. "Wanna sit with us?"

"N... no thanks, I'll see you later." As he walked off he could hear the girls whispering furiously to Lily. One of them said, _I think he likes you_! Remus just frowned at that. Of course he liked her, they were friends, weren't they? That seemed a very odd thing to say. Back with the boys, he realized James was smirking until Remus couldn't take another second of it. "What?"

"Nothing," James said while Sirius began snickering. James glanced down at Lily then back at Remus, leaning in close. "So, _is_ she your girlfriend?"

"WHAT? N--no!" Remus yelped, horrified. The song James and Sirius had taunted with him came back into his head. That had been over a month ago. "No! Wh--what--no! Don't you dare st-start that again, or else!"

James threw his hands in the air. "Okay, okay! I wasn't gonna. Was just _asking_."

_Is that what Colgate meant? _he wondered, realizing it probably was. Trying not to blush, Remus sat back down, shoving Arthur off his plate. "No, you already got a cookie, buddy." Arthur hooted, nuzzling Remus. "Maybe a little." He picked up a piece of sausage for Arthur to eat. _Why does everyone think that_? He looked over at Lily whose cheeks were faintly pink. _Can't girls and boys be friends? Besides, we're only eleven. _He shares his cookies with James and Sirius and Peter and it's nothing. He shares with Lily and it's suddenly ooh you must like each other. _That's... weird. And gross_. He broke off another piece of sausage for Arthur, trying not to dwell on the whole thing.

*

On Friday in Charms class they finally started learning the levitation charm which pretty much everyone was looking forward to. As soon as Remus and Peter partnered up, he pointed his wand at the feather, said the spell, watching with a smile as it floated up.

"Whoa!" Peter's jaw dropped. "Amazing!"

"Very good, Mr. Lupin!" Flitwick said. "First try!"

Remus ducked his head, faintly blushing. It hadn't been his first try. He realized earlier in the week there was nothing stopping him from practicing curriculum spells in advance, and had been doing the levitation charm all week. He could already lift up to half a pound with enough focus and concentration. A feather was nothing.

"Now I'm gonna look totally stupid," Peter said which made Remus felt a little bad. "Wingardium leviosa!" The feather didn't move. "Wingardium leviosa! C'mon..." He bent in close, wand poking at the feather. "Wingardium leviosa! How did you do it so easily?"

"Here... hold your w-wand like this and... move your wr--wrist like this..."

"Like this?"

"No, more like--like this." Peter kept flailing then Remus did something he never expected to do: purposely touch someone else, be the one to _initiate_ the touch. He reached over to nervously, gently take hold of Peter's hand, adjusting his grip, then doing the movement with him. "Like this. Try again."

"Wingardium leviosa!" But still nothing, and Peter's face fell.

Remus glanced around the room to see who else had managed. He already knew James had gotten his done on the first try as Flitwick had congratulated him too. Lily's feather was about a foot off her desk, her eyes shining brightly. She and Remus exchanged a smile.

Then there was a sort of whooshing sound as the desk next to them caught fire, causing Remus to jump. The entire top of the desk. Sirius was holding his wand, looking a bit awkward. "Errrr, whoops."

"How did you manage to set the _entire_ desk on fire?!" James shrieked as he flapped his arms, making the fire bigger.

Sirius stared at the fire then up at James. "Talent?" Flitwick quickly put the fire out, frowning at Sirius who just smiled back. "I think we need another feather."

By the end of class most the students could levitate the feather even a little bit, except for Peter who was practically in tears as they left. "I'm such a failure!"

"No you're not," James said, elbowing him. "You're just... you need a little more time is all."

Peter gave a little moan. "No, I'm a _failure_."

"Least you didn't set the desk on fire," James laughed.

Sirius snorted. "Fire just likes me, all right? Maybe I'm really just a... really good fire conjurer. Maybe that's my talent. My... fort."

"F... forte?" Remus asked.

"Yeah, that too."

"I'm the _only_ one who c--couldn't do _anything_!" Peter pointed out, lower lip stuck so far out like a small shelf. "I'm a failure at Charms and--and Transfiguration and--Herbology--and _everything_! What am I good at? Nothing."

"You're b--better at flying than me," Remus said. "And Potions."

Peter stopped in his tracks, swiveling to look at Remus who worried he had said the wrong thing, but slowly Peter began smiling. "I guess... yeah..."

James clapped Peter on the back. "You're not a failure, you just haven't found your... er, fort."

"Forte," Remus corrected.

James made a face. "Forte."

Remus wondered if maybe he shouldn't correct them. Was it annoying? He wanted to ask them, but also didn't want to draw attention to it. _Do other people do that_? he wondered as they headed to Herbology. _Maybe I won't do it again..._ He then wondered if there was a book somewhere. How To Be A Normal Human. That laid out social norms, how to talk, what not to say. His parents never corrected him on anything, so if he said wrong things he didn't know. The only thing they ever told him to never talk about was his curse but he knew that.

He hesitated as panic began rising up in him, thinking of all the ways he could break the mask, watching the backs of the three boys walk ahead of him. _I need to be careful, more careful_.

"You coming, Remus?" Sirius asked, realizing he was falling behind.

"Yeah, c--coming."

*

Halloween morning dawned rather cold and drizzly, but it didn't dampen the students' excitement. It was a Sunday which meant no classes on the holiday. An entire day to do whatever they wanted, celebrate however they wanted. Except for the Gryffindor Quidditch team who had practice in the morning, as well as James and Sirius went out to watch. They invited Peter and Remus along but Peter didn't want to go out in the rain and Remus had less than zero interest in Quidditch, so the two black-haired boys just went together. Peter yawned and rolled over, going back to sleep.

Remus was rather tired with the moon coming up but he didn't really feel like sleeping any more so he got dressed and went down to the Great Hall for a nice hearty breakfast. A few of the decorations were already up. Great big cobwebs in the corners of the room with huge spiders wriggling around, their legs twitching. Remus shoved food in his mouth, watching the spiders move, wondering if they were were real or not. They looked real enough.

Once in the library Remus sought out books full of scary stories. He found a few then crawled under a table--one with a tablecloth, hiding him--to read for the rest of the morning. He was so enthralled he didn't even realize how much time passed until his stomach started hurting bringing him back to reality at mid-afternoon, lunch long gone. After checking out one of the books, he went to the kitchens. The house-elves were running around, preparing for the feast, but one of them took some time to get Remus a sandwich to sustain him until the feast started.

"Where have you been all day? We were looking for you," Sirius said when Remus went up to the dorm room. They were preparing for the feast too: firecrackers carefully laid out, organized by size.

"L--library."

"We looked there," he said with a frown. Remus just shrugged, not wanting to admit he had been underneath a table. "All right so what do you think, should we go by size or by color?"

"Telling you, we should end with gold and scarlet fireworks," James said, tapping two of them.

"Yeah but they aren't that big, we should end with a _bang_!" Sirius replied, hands spreading out to indicate an explosion.

"How are you g--getting them in?" Remus inquired, very curious about that.

Both boys exchanged looks. "Robes pockets," James answered. "We can fit them all between three of us."

Remus raised his eyebrows, hoping they weren't meaning him to be the third. "And set--setting them off? Without being seen?"

"Under the table." James tapped the side of his head with his finger. "We've thought this through, don't you worry."

Remus very much so doubted they thought it through, but he didn't day anything in response to that. He just nodded, hoping the rockets wouldn't upset the spiders too much.

Sirius, James, and Peter put on their school robes over their casual clothes so they could begin filling the pockets with the firefrackers. It was interesting, in Remus's opinion, how their 'casual clothes' differed. Peter in regular jeans and a simple striped shirt, James in bellbottoms paired with a very 60s shirt that said GROOVY in tie-dyed lettering, and Sirius in nicely pressed black slacks and a silky looking black button-up shirt. All their clothing looked new, aside from James's shirt, making Remus feel even more pathetic with his faded, torn, ratty jeans and the ancient Beauxbatons sweatshirt his father had as a teenager. He considered changing his clothes but all his newer stuff was still old looking from being bought from secondhand shops, plus they were all so big it swallowed him up (of course the Beaxbatons sweatshirt was big on him too since his father had gotten it when he was thirteen).

Down in the Great Hall things were in full swing. Spooky sort of music was playing, coming from all corners of the room at once. There were floating pumpkins everywhere with flickering lights; the ones over Gryffindor were giving off an eerie red light (Ravenclaw blue, Hufflepuff yellow, Slytherin green). The cobwebs crisscrossed over the entire ceiling now which gave the spiders free reign. In each corner of the room were very huge pumpkins that bobbed and swayed to the music. Along the tables were candles being held in what looked like skeleton hands, whose fingers moved slowly on their own. There were orange and black streamers fluttering freely in the air, and the night sky was brighter than ever with the near full moon. Remus hesitated when he saw it, knowing it wasn't full enough to effect him but still feeling a bit frightened.

The feast appeared across the tables, platters full of scrumptious looking food, most of it fancier than their normal dinners. A lot more like what they got on their start-of-term banquet. Remus couldn't help but lick his lips as he began piling food on his gold plate. He thought maybe the other boys were too awed by all of this and changed their mind however after about half an hour, Sirius and Peter slipped off their robes like they were too hot. A few minutes later James disappeared under the table.

When the fireworks started going off, most the students jumped then began clapping, assuming this was part of the feast. The teachers began frowning while McGonagall got a rather pinched-face sort of look. Dumbledore looked rather amused. In fact, if James and Sirius thought they were actually going to be pulling a big prank they were sorely mistaken because once the last one went off with a huge shower of purple sparks, the kids cheered. Dumbledore himself clapped.

"What the heck?" James grumbled, as he reappeared in his seat. "No! They're not supposed to react like this."

"They think it's what the headmaster planned," Peter said.

Sirius smacked his hand against the table "Ugh! Told you we should have used dungbombs."

"Or hair growth potion in some of the food," sighed James.

"If it's any c--consolation, the teachers know s-something's up... McGonagall's looking r--right at you," Remus said. The two of them glanced up at the teachers table where McGonagall had her narrowed eyes focused on James and Sirius.

James reached over, patting Remus's arm. "Thank you, that does make me feel a lot better."

He felt even better after the feast when McGonagall confronted them about everything. They cheerfully admitted they had set them off, and both lost a few points. Remus just shook his head when they told him that, wondering why on earth they were so _pleased_ with getting into trouble, like it was some sort of... award.

That night the four of them stayed up in the common room, telling scary stories. Remus mostly just read out loud from the book he checked out (skipping over one about a werewolf being the monster) but Peter had a few fun Muggle tales to tell them that none of them had ever heard before. One of them gave Sirius an idea. At midnight they all crowded in the bathroom so Sirius could lean in front of the mirror and say 'Bloody Mary' three times. For a split-second there was nothing but silence, then Sir Nicholas popped out of the mirror screaming 'BOO!' sending them running and screaming to their dorm, under their covers, while the house ghost bellowed his laughter after them.


	31. Chapter Thirty - Still Figuring Out This Friend Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to being understaffed at work and therefore me having to work more days I am going to have to cut back to updating only twice a week for a while :( I'm sorry!

November started as cold and drizzly as October ended. Remus woke up already exhausted, his bones aching slightly, as if anticipating what was to come that night. He had to force himself out of bed, to get dressed, to go to class. The previous two moons had started on a weekend day, so he hadn't had to deal with this. In Charms class they were practicing the levitation spell again, on quills now which were a bit heavier than feathers. Remus folded his arms on his desk, rested his cheek against them, watching sleepily as Lily floated their quill above them.

"Your turn," she said when she brought it back down.

"Wingardium leviosa." The quill rose a good three feet above them. He brought it down then folded his arms once more, fighting against sleep.

In Herbology he dropped one of the small potted plants they were supposed to be working with but Sprout didn't snap at him or take points away. She frowned when he dropped it then glanced at the window, as if reminding herself what time of the month it was. During lunch he did fall asleep at the table after only eating a little bit, somehow sleeping through the noise of the Great Hall. Lily woke him up for Defense Against the Dark Arts.

He knew he was allowed to skip classes if he so desired, and he was _very_ tempted to skip this one however he forced himself to go. As soon as he stepped through the door he felt Dedenne's eyes on him. She watched him walk over to his usual desk, brow furrowed but not with worry. He kept his head up, looking at the blackboard instead of the teacher. He could practically feel the distress rolling off of her. Actually, he could smell it.

"Today class we'll be learning the shielding charm," Dedenne said, finally tearing her gaze away from the werewolf sitting a few feet away from her with the full moon only hours away. "After a small test, of course." She passed out the papers while half the class groaned. Dedenne hesitated for a split second before sliding the paper onto Remus's desk. _Does she expect me to turn if she gets too close_? he thought as he got his quill ready. _Does she think I'll snap and just attack her_?

He realized with a twist of his stomach that yes, that was exactly what she was expecting.

After the test she moved the desks to get everyone lined up with their partners. She assigned them, this time putting Remus with Magpie instead of herself, announcing their names first so he'd be clear at the other end of the room. Aka: away from her. Remus just stared at his shoes as she listed everyone else off, feeling like she was pointing an accusing finger at him. He was sorta surprised she didn't just jump ahead of things and start teaching about werewolves. She might as well, with how she was acting.

"This side will be using the shield charm first," Dedenne said. "Watch my wand movement carefully and _listen_. Protego. Repeat after me, without the wand movement."

"Protego," the class chanted. Peter--next to Remus--mumbled something that sounded more like 'potato'.

"Good," she said. "Now practice the wand movement. Yours won't be strong enough to do much however if you try you might be able to protect against the sparks spell. That's what I want the other line to do when I say begin. All right, everyone ready? Let's go."

Remus brandished his wand. "Verdimillious!" he said while Magpie nervously jerked her wand as she said, "Protego!" It didn't work. The sparks landed against her, doing no damage whatsoever. Remus tried again and again, until she managed to make somewhat of a shield, preventing the sparks from touching her.

After about ten more minutes Dedenne had the lines switch. "Protego," Remus said, doing the correct wand movements but being too tired to focus. He wound up still unable to do it by the time class ended. Magpie looked surprised, but Remus just shrugged, feeling his energy depleting with each second.

"Class dismissed," Dedenne said as she carefully arranged the returned tests on her desk. "Oh, Mr. Lupin...?" Remus froze, waiting. Dedenne stared at him then lowered her gaze. "Never mind, you can go."

Remus felt so glad that Defense was the last class of the day. He wanted to go up to his dorm to sleep however sunset was only a couple hours away now, so he needed to go. As the Gryffindors began splitting off, Remus hesitated then said, "I'm not feeling too well, I--I think I'm going to go see Madame Pomfrey."

James and Peter both nodded while Sirius looked relieved. All three of them could see how not well he'd looked all day. Paler than normal, the shadows under his eyes darker, a sheen of sweat constantly appearing on his forehead. He had heard them at breakfast discussing how awful he looked, heard them whispering about how he shouldn't even be at classes when he looked ready to keel over. It hadn't been just them; Remus heard down the table Colgate asking Lily if Remus was all right.

Sirius was obviously glad Remus opted for the hospital wing. "We can take you."

"Th--that's okay," Remus said quickly. "Thanks though. I'll c--catch up with you at dinner."

"All right, see ya buddy," James said.

Once at the hospital wing, Pomfrey wrapped a cloak around him to disguise him for their adventure into the rain. They squelched across the grounds to the Whomping Willow, where Pomfrey threw rocks at the knot until one of them landed, and Remus was able to scramble into the passage by himself. He took the cloak off, shaking it out, then got his wand out, lighting it up to make his way down the tunnel.

*

It was a night of no transformation. He curled up naked under a blanket on the couch, listening to the rain pattering against the building, a few tears sliding across his cheeks. He was really cold, and shivered, tugging the blanket tighter around him, wishing he had a fire or something. He wanted to use the fireplace but didn't know if it would work properly. _Winter's only going to be worse_, he thought, wriggling a bit so he could wrap himself up even more. He considered just putting his clothes back on however in case he _did_ transform he didn't want to destroy his uniform. _Maybe I can figure out a spell to heat up this blanket_...

He rolled over, his back to the room, trying to go to sleep. Once he managed it was only for a short period: nightmares pulled him under then shoved him out of sleep. He screamed and thrashed and fell off the couch, sobbing. "S--sorry, sorry, didn't mean to...!" He clutched the blanket, realizing he wasn't in his dorm. He hadn't woken anyone up. His apologies were meaningless.

The rain fell even heavier while wind battered against the house. He sat upright on the floor, shivering, hugging his knees, wishing he was back in his dorm. Safe. Warm.

Eventually he fell asleep only to wake up again with screams and sobs. It happened continually--a seemingly never ending loop of hell--until finally dawn came. He was even more exhausted than the day before as he trudged upstairs to get his clothes out of the wardrobe, eyeing the bed, debating whether or not to just curl up there. However, he was sitting on the couch when Pomfrey arrived.

"It was c-c-cloudy all night," he said when she came through the trapdoor. "Can I j-just stay here? I'm fine. I'll just sleep all day."

"You're eleven," she said, the same response as always. "Come on, you can get some sleep at the castle."

Remus did sleep a lot of the day. When he wasn't sleeping he ate the breakfast and lunch that Pomfrey brought him, as well as managed to do a little studying with the text book he had brought back with him. At about an hour and forty minutes before sunset, she took him back to the tunnel. There was a lot of wind today and no rain, though plenty of clouds; however with the wind blowing them he knew he wouldn't have another empty night.

Sure enough, shortly after the sun set the wolf took over, ripping through his body, bones popping, claws tearing, finally his human mind shrinking into oblivion.

*

On the fourth, Remus was brought back after his final transformation, all his wounds bandaged up. Pomfrey complained the entire way through the tunnel about Sirius and James trying to break into the hospital wing to see him the evening before, that she had to keep running them out. "They're troublemakers, those two," she sighed.

Remus slept most the morning then after lunch he tried to get out of bed so he could go to class. He had Potions. He should be there. But his body was too weak, his wounds still hurting. He managed to stand for a moment then collapsed back, flinching as he felt the gash on his thigh opening back up. He pushed down his pajama pants, peeled back the bandage, watching the blood seeping out. He should call for Pomfrey to get a new bandage but... it didn't matter. He'd heal. He pressed the gauze back, tugging up his pants, then drifted back into sleep.

*

After dinner in the hospital wing, Remus returned to his dorm. He didn't see anyone he knew on the way so he was able to get a shower and climb into bed in peace, until about half an hour after curfew when Sirius and James came in. Remus woke up at the noise then sat up, wiping his eyes, listening to them exclaiming over his return. They told Remus they had tried to see him multiple times but Pomfrey wouldn't let them and how unfair was that???

Then Sirius puffed his chest out, asking, "Do I look any different?"

Remus looked him up and down, wondering what he had done. "Erm... no?"

James snickered while Sirius deflated. "Oh. It was my birthday yesterday, I'm twelve now."

"Oh! Uh, h--happy b-belated birthday," Remus said, feeling rather bad he had missed it. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to give Sirius anything or not. Did friends do that sort of thing? Did James give him anything? Did Peter?

Sirius threw himself down onto Remus's bed next to him. "When's your birthday?"

"Er, March..."

"Really?" James sat down on Remus's other side, making him feel a bit penned in. "When? Mine's the twenty-seventh."

"The--the tenth," he answered and James gave a groan.

Sirius giggled. "Guess that makes you the baby."

James glowered at him. "Barely. Only by seventeen days."

Sirius laughed now, nudging Remus who flinched and grunted in pain. His side--which had been ripped up pretty bad--was still healing. Sirius apologized, and Remus (glad they couldn't smell the blood like he did) just shook his head, promising he was fine, then saying he was tired and if it was okay he'd like to go back to sleep. After both boys bounced to their feet, Remus paused, then got up as well to open his desk drawer. He pulled out his last bar of chocolate, giving it to Sirius.

"Happy birthday."

Sirius looked at the chocolate in surprise then took it, a smile spreading on his face. "Thanks, little buddy," Sirius said then he reached out, hand dropping on to the top of Remus's head. He rubbed rather furiously, messing up Remus's hair before he and James left.

Remus reached up, smoothing his hair back down, wishing he was able to ask Sirius what that meant. Messing his hair up. It hadn't seemed to be something... mean or teasing or anything. Just... it happened. Physical contact... he still felt uncomfortable with that. Like, they would know if they touched him as if the knowledge of what he was could seep out of his skin into them.

He curled up back under his covers, drifting in and out of nightmares.

*

Charms, Herbology, and Defense on Friday, the same as Monday. He was still a little tired but got through them better than he had at the beginning of the week and when they practiced the shield charm in Defense he was able to get it right every time. During lunch Lily gave him all their homework assignments from the week so after Defense he spent the rest of the afternoon in the library, working hard to catch up. On Saturday morning he went to the Potions dungeon to take the test he had missed out on Thursday. Slughorn sat at his desk, humming softly to himself, reading through essays while Remus carefully wrote out answers.

Afterwards Slughorn had him sit there while he graded it. "You know, it's a shame your ability to make potions isn't half as good as your theoretical potions work," he said as he went over Remus's answers. "You'd be second in my class if it was, I imagine." Slughorn glanced up, smiling at Remus. "Maybe one day, eh?"

Remus just shrugged. "I have a--a very sensitive nose, it makes things a--a bit difficult."

Slughorn's quill froze though his eyes remained on the paper. "Do you now? How sensitive?"

Remus shifted in his seat. _I can smell the alcohol you have in your desk. I know what you had for breakfast_. _I can smell the candy you just ate. __I can smell that I make you nervous... and I can smell you seem more than a little eager to know the answer to this_. The eagerness made him uneasy so all he said was, "The st--strong ingredients b-bother me a bit, that's all."

Slughorn looked a little disappointed. "Ahhh. Well. There we go. An O." He smiled as he handed the paper back. Remus took it, feeling more and more uncomfortable. He thanked his professor before leaving the dungeons, very confused.

The castle was pretty much empty when Remus emerged onto the ground floor. They were all out to the first Quidditch game of the season: Ravenclaw versus Slytherin. In fact while he hesitated, Slughorn quickly walked past him to get to the pitch.

"You coming to the game, m'boy?" Slughorn inquired. Remus shook his head. "Huh. You ever been to a Quidditch game?" Remus shook his head again. "You should go."

"M--maybe next time, s--sir," Remus mumbled. Slughorn smiled benignly before speeding up to leave the castle. Remus turned, heading to the library, walking past several groups of students who were making their way out. The game started at around eleven and it was fifteen till already. He knew James, Sirius, and Peter were going; they had begged Remus to come too after his test however he didn't know why he needed to go if it wasn't Gryffindor playing. Even if Gryffindor _was_ playing he wouldn't go.

The library was so quiet, quieter than normal. When he went in, Farrow glowered at him, demanding to know why he wasn't at the game like everyone else. "Is it a r--rule that I need to be?" Remus asked causing Farrow to scowl. "I don't w-want to watch. I'd rather read."

"Hmph," was all Farrow said in response.

Remus could faintly hear the cheers from the pitch. At one point he walked to the window to peek out. The pitch was pretty far away but he could make out a few figures flying high. A great loud cheer rose up and he figured Ravenclaw probably scored. It seemed the houses in general disliked Slytherin so he couldn't imagine cheers that loud for the snake house.

If there was one thing he had learned outside classes that was the fact while Slytherins didn't get along with any of the houses... Gryffindors and Slytherins were enemies. Gryffindors hated Slytherins, Slytherins hated Gryffindors. Not just the first years, it seemed to encompass _all_ the years. Small fights between the two seemed to constantly break out, a lot of rude words, nasty hexes, etc, etc. Also, their Quidditch game was one of the most anticipated events of the school year. He wasn't really sure _why_ Slytherin was the odd house out. Perhaps because they seemed to want it that way...? At least, some of them did. Mulciber, Avery, and Bulstrode went out of their way to bully other students. Remus knew that James and Sirius often talked disparagingly of Slytherins. Especially Sirius, he really seemed to have a special hatred for Slytherin.

Now there were loud boos. Slytherin must have scored.

Remus tore himself from the window and went back to working on his assignments so he could spend the afternoon reading for pleasure.

*

"You shoulda seen it! Boy those Slytherins sure play dirty. They got several fouls against'em but they still won, barely though, but still. It wasn't fair at all. Ravenclaw tried their best but there's only so much you can do against cheaters."

James wouldn't shut up about the game when everyone came flooding back to the castle a couple hours later. He talked about some of the plays, and some of the things Slytherin did, his hands wriggling through the air as a demonstration.

"Bell says that if they try any of those things against Gryffindor they're gonna be sorry. I can't wait till the game against Hufflepuff later this month, I've seen some practices, Gryffindor's pretty good. Not as good as they'll be next year when _I'm_ on the team, of course, but still pretty good... Bell says the Hufflepuff team was strong last year but they've got new Beaters this year. Gryffindor's got a new Seeker that's all, but Bell says she's really good. Bell says--"

"Bell says, Bell says," Sirius cut him off. "Merlin's beard, you got a crush on her or something?"

James blushed--or rather, the blood rushed to his face. It was hard to tell with James's skin tone but Remus could (very uncomfortably) sense his friend's reaction. "What? No! She's just gonna be Captain next year. Her thoughts on the games are important. Tanner's got a lot to say too but I didn't talk to him as much cause I was next to Bell."

Sirius turned to Remus. "James got to sit with the Gryffindor Quidditch team. We _peasants_ sat behind them." He indicated Peter and himself. "You should have come though. I would have explained the game to you."

"Thanks b--but no thanks," Remus said.

"Wait, you're coming to the game against Hufflepuff, right?" James whirled around, looking absolutely horrified at the thought of a Gryffindor not going to a Gryffindor game.

"Err... I--I dunno..." James just kept staring at him. "M... maybe..." James's hazel eyes got big behind his glasses. "I'll th-think about it."

"That's probably the best you'll get from him," Sirius laughed.

James sighed as if he felt the world was conspiring against him and his love of Quidditch. "You'll at least come to the games when I'm playing, right?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Of course," he said, then a pained silent addition: _if we're still friends_.

James beamed and threw his arm around Sirius. "Cool, cool, cool. Now. I am _really_ in the mood to unleash some stink pellets somewhere in the vicinity of Slytherins to, er, congratulate their victory. Yeah? Yeah. C'mon, lads!"


	32. Chapter Thirty-One - An Invitation

As November progressed, it brought in colder weather which Remus enjoyed. He didn't like _being _cold however he liked wearing jumpers and curling up by the fire with a good book. On Tuesday, though, he just cursed the biting wind and fine sleet while they went outside for another lesson on the brooms. He knew it was only for this term, that there were only a few more classes left, however he wished he didn't have to go. James wasn't supposed to but he came with the Gryffindors anyway, insisting he just 'wanted to watch'. That translated into him hoping the older students would take him to the pitch again however none of them really showed up. They knew James wasn't part of the flying lessons anymore, so there was no need. James sat on the cold ground, scowling up at everyone else flying. Remus would have given anything to switch places with him.

"I love flying but even that's a bit much," Lily said afterwards when they were all hurrying back to the castle. "Flying in the snow would be fun. Flying in the sleet is _awful_."

"I'd've loved to fly in the sleet," James grumbled.

"You would've loved to _show off_ in the sleet," Lily retorted.

James grinned. "I can't help it. I fly and it's just naturally incredible."

Lily rolled her eyes at Remus who smiled. "By the way, congratulations on staying on your broom all class," Lily said which caused James and Sirius to both start laughing. She glared at them. "Stop it!"

"Yeah, Remus, congratulations on not sucking," James said.

Lily now narrowed her gaze. "Don't be so mean, Potter! I mean, I know you can't help it, you speak and it's just naturally vomit." Remus had to cover his mouth to try to stop from giggling.

James's laughter died as he folded his arms angrily. "Oi!"

Sirius shrugged. "She's got a point."

Now James glowered at his best friend. "Double oi there, you're supposed to be my mate!"

"Yeah, James isn't _mean _or... er, vomity." Peter said.

James put his arm around Peter's shoulders. "_Thank_ you, glad _someone_ around here has my back."

He shot a dirty look at Sirius who smiled, spreading his hands out in a 'who, me?' way. "What? You can be rude. So can I." Now his arm went around James, yanking him close. "It's our thing."

"Don't be proud of being rude!" Lily complained. "That's weird."

"May come as a shocker, Evans, but... we _are_ weird," Sirius said and James flashed a peace sign.

"And you're friends with them?" she asked Remus who just shrugged. She was about to say something else but instead sneezed rather violently.

"Having us sweating in the sleet probably made us _all_ sick," Peter piped up. "I feel sniffly."

By the time dinner rolled around most the Gryffindor and Slytherin first years were obviously quite sick, and there was quite a line at Pomfrey's to get fixed up. Remus didn't want to go since he knew if he got sick he'd be un-sick quickly without any outside help, however Lily prodded him along as she chewed him out for even thinking about not going.

"Oh look, Loopy Lupin's a _girl_ now," laughed Mulciber when he saw Remus standing with Lily, Colgate, Inkwood, and McNab. Remus folded his arms, hunching over, trying to ignore the Slytherin who kept laughing until he broke off into heavy coughing.

After about ten minutes of waiting around and six o'clock getting closer he shifted his weight, turning to Lily. "Really, I'm f--fine."

"Better safe than sorry," she said. "Have you ever had a proper cold?"

"N... no..."

"I have, and they are _annoying_," she said, watching as Struthers was fed a great big spoonful of pepperup potion. Immediately his coughing subsided as smoke began pouring out his ears.

"I love magic," Struthers said, flashing Lily a grin who grinned back. "Cure for the common cold." They gave each other thumbs up and Struthers waited for Spinnet who began pouring smoke from his ears.

"I'm not sick," Remus grumbled then glanced at the clock.

Lily followed his gaze. "What do you even do Tuesday evenings? You don't come to study group."

"Wait, he doesn't?" Sirius, a little ahead in line, whirled around. "What do you do Tuesday evenings, then?"

"We though' you wen do sdudy groub," James got out, his nose completely stuffed.

Remus stiffened. He no idea what to say, having not prepared for this which, in retrospect, was dumb. "P--personal stuff," he mumbled, shoulders hunching even more. "And I'm n--not sick so I sh-should--"

"You should take the potion, just in case," Lily said then sneezed.

Peter went next, then Sirius. After he hopped off the hospital bed he began running around making train noises. When James got his pepperup potion he joined him until Pomfrey yelled at them to get out. They barreled out of the wing, yelling CHOOCHOOOO! knocking into several Slytherins as they went.

Lily poked at Remus and he reluctantly stepped forward. Pomfrey gave him a look. "I'm n-not sick, Lily's m-making me," he explained. Pomfrey glanced to Lily who nodded.

"I see," the nurse said. "If he isn't sick--"

"He could get sick in the middle of the night," Lily pointed out. Remus gave a loud groan. "Honestly! You'd think you're having teeth pulled or something."

Remus slumped down on the edge of the bed, glaring as Pomfrey poured out a spoonful of medicine. He opened his mouth for the stuff to be poured down his throat. It was really warm and spicy then he felt tickling in his ears, and smoke began streaming out. "Happy?" he asked and Lily nodded. "G--good. I need to get going. I'll see you l-later."

By the time he got to the room where he met up with Fawley, the werewolf curse had overpowered the potion and the smoke had slowed to a small occasional puff. He knew for everyone else it would be going on for hours so he wasn't sure what he would do when he returned to the common room.

The Occlumency lesson went as bad as all the ones before, and Remus felt very discouraged. This was his fifth lesson yet he hadn't gotten _anywhere_. Not even a smidgeon of being able to keep her out of his head.

"I told you, you're not going to be able to do much at all even after six, seven more months of this," Ms. Fawley said, sensing his disappointment. "You're very young, and not a natural occlumens. "I'll be _shocked_ if you manage to stop anything before your second year. That you'll be able to do it consistently and properly before you're thirteen or fourteen. Especially since you seem to be such an emotional young man."

Remus pouted a bit at that, glad she couldn't see him doing so since it was giving in to his emotions. He took in a deep breath, focused on emptying... nothing... blank... he imagined himself as a chalk board... a damp sponge just wiping everything away... clean slate... nothing...

Fawley's fingers touched his temples.

_Mulciber and Avery laughing at him, calling him a baby... Avery dragging him into Myrtle's bathroom, throwing wet toilet paper at his face... the lot of them busting up over the fact he couldn't fly very well..._

Remus came out of his memories panting a bit for air, wrapping his arms around himself, his head aching.

"Have you gone to anyone about their bullying?" Fawley asked softly.

"You already know the--the answer to that," he said, rubbing his head as his headache faded then came back like they usually did.

"You should."

"I shouldn't," he replied rather frostily. "I can handle it."

Her eyes focused on him even though she couldn't see him, he felt as though she was _seeing_ him. Then her face turned. "Perhaps we should end the session today."

"One more, p--please."

He thought she wouldn't then she brought her hands close to his face. Memories of the past few days were jolted through his brain and sent him into another headache.

"Until next week," she said. He thanked her before leaving. He had nearly fifteen minutes before curfew so he headed down to the hospital wing, to see if Pomfrey had some idea of what to do for the smoke out of the ears. She gave him a couple of doses to take with him. The first he took right outside the common room after making sure nobody was looking, then he went through, the entire common room full of wispy steam from so many people having taken the potion that evening. It seemed the first years weren't the only ones being assaulted by the sleet.

Remus hid out behind his curtains for most the rest of the evening so the others couldn't see his lack of smoke while they were still steaming away. He occasionally peeked out and once he saw Peter's smoke letting up, Remus took his second dose before leaving the safety of his bed to get his shower. When he came back smoke-less, he was pleased everyone else was smoke-less except for James who still had a very thin stream since he had gotten a heavy dose with how bad he had been affected.

*

Remus worried all his friends would want to know exactly what he did on Tuesday evenings but none of them brought the subject up on Wednesday, to his relief.

Wednesday was a little warmer than Tuesday so the sleet turned to rain and the grounds turned to mud. After Herbology, the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs slogged their way back to the castle, leaving a huge mess in the entrance hall. Everyone quickly headed to the Great Hall before Filch could catch them. When the Gryffindors left an hour later they saw Filch sullenly cleaning the mess up, grumbling about inconsiderate, filthy brats.

"We should leave a muddy mess in his office," whispered James as they went up the stairs. "Footprints everywhere. Sirius, I bet you and I could pick Remus up and he could put footprints on the ceiling."

Remus turned to squint at him. "Not even g--going to ask _my_ opinion on that?"

Sirius grinned. "C'mon, it'd be funny. Imagine Filch coming back to his office and finding footprints all over his walls and ceiling. Absolutely brilliant."

"Ooh! Should try and figure out how to do cat paw prints too," Peter added, causing James and Sirius to both giggle.

"Come on, I could easily lift you, we wouldn't drop you," Sirius promised, nudging Remus. "You're tiny. And I'm strong."

"If you pick me up, you'd probably have to be s-standing on the desk, or a ladder."

"So?" Sirius asked.

Remus stared at him. "Th-that'd be dangerous."

Sirius stared back. "...so?"

"No," Remus said sending a flicker of disappointment went through Sirius's eyes. "Though if y--you _really_ want to do something like that, there _is_ an easier way."

"How?" James asked.

Remus gave a loud sigh, feeling a headache coming on at how stupid they could be. "We've l-learned the levitation charm, you know."

James and Sirius fell absolutely silent. Then, "Well, er, yeah, I suppose," James muttered.

"A muddy shoe would be too heavy though," Sirius said, rubbing his chin. "The ceiling is too high."

_Not for me_, Remus thought though didn't offer the suggestion. "You c--could practice it. James is good with the levitation sp-spell, isn't he? Just pr--practice some more."

"You're just trying to get us to do our homework," James complained.

Remus shrugged. "Fine. Your choice."

James and Sirius fell back, whispering to one another. Remus could hear them discussing their options. Sirius was still aiming for just picking Remus up however James admitted the levitation spell would probably work better if they were able. Then they began discussing how to make cat paw prints, when would be a good time, and all sorts of various possibilities.

*

Potions on Thursday, thank Merlin they were able to partner up. Remus felt a little relieved when Lily chose Remus, especially since she agreed that it'd be fine if she did most the main work while he prepared the ingredients. The division of work turned out to be pretty good just not perfect; Remus made a few mistakes so when Slughorn passed out grades they 'only' got an A. While it was Remus's best potion mark to date it was low for his friend. However, Lily knew he hadn't achieved a passing grade on any of his physical potions yet so she beamed at him, whispering a congratulations.

"You did the--the g-good work," he said.

After class was dismissed Slughorn cleared his throat. "I need a few of you to stay behind, if you don't mind." Everyone froze, wondering who it would be and why. "Misters Avery, Lupin, Potter, and Snape, and Misses Evans, Nott, and Urswick."

Sirius and Peter stared at James and Remus but had to leave when Slughorn shooed them out. The seven students stood grouped up--the three Gryffindors together, the four Slytherins--and waited nervously as Slughorn closed the door. He had a very jovial smile on his face when he returned to his desk, smoothing down his mustache as he surveyed the group.

"Now, I'm not sure if you've heard about this but... I have a very special club." He linked his fingers together, leaning forward. "The Slug Club. It's... a group of very intriguing students, and it's very select. Very prestigious." His eyes twinkled. "I save the proper invites until at least a student goes into their second year however I have in the past invited some young'uns to the Christmas party. Ones I feel have very... promising... futures." He spread his hands out now. "You lot."

They all looked at each other in confusion. Remus really had no clue whatsoever what he was doing there.

"On the evening of December the seventeenth--the night before you all will be leaving for the holidays--I'll be hosting my infamous Christmas party. Eight o'clock, here in the dungeons. Don't you worry, you have permission to be here despite your curfew. I'd like you to come and see what it's like. Get a taste, so to speak, of what you could... become."

"Sir, why are _they_ here?" Nott asked bluntly, jerking her chin to the Gryffindors.

"You're all here for a variety of reasons," Slughorn said. "For instance you, Miss Nott, I feel you have quite a promising... future."

"You mean family," Avery put in. Slughorn began coughing. "That's why I'm here too, right? My father's told me about the Slug Club. What's a Mudblood being invited for?"

"Mr. Avery," Slughorn said, standing up. "I will not tolerate language like that. Miss Evans is here because of her exemplary Potions ability, as well as her grades in all her other classes."

"And Potter's here cause he's rich, right?" Avery snorted, causing James to scowl deeply as blood rushed to his face. "What about the baby? What's he good at, besides crying?"

Remus flinched. James shifted, standing between him and Avery. "Probably his grades, dummy," James sneered.

"Yes, yes, exactly," Slughorn mumbled though Remus's wolf senses told him Slughorn was lying. It wasn't just his grades then. So what was it? Surely not because...? "Now then. You may bring a friend if you want to. Dress up nicely. Remember, eight o'clock, five weeks from now. You'll all enjoy it, there will be wonderful food, beautiful music, and _amazing_ guests. I don't want to give away too much but..." Slughorn dropped his voice, like someone was listening in. "Edward Bogwell will be present."

Remus didn't recognize the name but James gave a bit of a gasp, so Remus figured he was a Quidditch player.

"Yes! Exciting! Now, I have another class coming up so you better get on your way. I'll see you next week and I hope I'll also see you at the Christmas party!"

Remus waited behind while everyone else left. James and Lily both paused to look back at him but he motioned for them to keep going, which they did. Once Lily shut the door behind her, Remus turned to look at Slughorn.

"Erm, P--Professor?"

"Yes?" Slughorn was looking through some papers, very obviously not looking at Remus.

"Why _am_ I b--being invited?"

"Your grades."

Remus clenched his teeth, nearly spitting out the word 'liar'. "I... d-d-don't think you're b-being entirely t-truthful, sir. No offense."

Slughorn set the papers down and lifted his chin. "Mr. Lupin, your grades have proved to all the staff at this school you've got quite the head on your shoulders."

_Not to Dedenne_, Remus thought though kept it to himself. "Professor--"

"You best be going, I have another class starting soon."

Remus stared at him for a moment then left. _He can't be inviting me because I'm a werewolf, can he? Why would he? It'd make no sense whatsoever. So... I guess it is my grades...?_

Sirius wasn't at all pleased when James told him what Slughorn wanted. He scowled, pouted, and grumbled all the way up to their dorms, until James said, "And you'll be coming with me of course, right?" Sirius grinned broadly at James who gave him a fist bump. Then Peter looked rather anxiously at Remus. "Of course Remus'll take you," James added.

Remus looked down. "I'm--I'm not going."

"What?" All three of them stared at him with wide eyes.

"How come?" Peter asked, lower lip sticking out since that was his only chance of going.

Remus frowned at James. "You heard Avery."

"Whenever he talks all I hear is 'blah blah blah'," replied James. "Same goes for all Slytherins. Is it cause he called you a baby?"

"No!" Remus's cheeks went a bit pink as he sat down on the edge of his bed. "D-don't you feel awkward, being invited be--because of your family?"

James just shrugged. "Not really. I mean, we're rich. Everyone wants something from us. Doesn't surprise me. Doesn't bother me. What's that got to do with you? You're invited because of your grades, that's something."

"I j-just feel like we're be--being used or something," Remus mumbled, ducking his head, wishing he could explain better. He knew words, he should be able to _say_ but nothing really worked or came to mind besides 'being used'. He wasn't even sure if that _was_ the right way of putting it. The way Slughorn spoke, it just felt...

"You're weird," James said.

Remus decided to just keep his mouth shut from then on out.

"You should take Peter," Sirius said. "Or if you don't want to, James can take Peter and _you_ can take me."

Remus wasn't really sure how that was any different at all. "I'm n-n-not going. Sorry, Peter."

"S'fine," Peter said very sullenly.

"Oh, go on then and take Peter, he'd have more fun than me," Sirius said, falling back onto his bed. "I'll keep Remus company, if he's being so stubborn."

James tried his best not to grimace at the idea of doing such a thing, however he couldn't just say no without hurting Peter. So instead James turned his attention to Remus, giving him such a sad, pathetic look that Remus almost changed his mind. Almost.

"You sh-shouldn't stay behind just because of me," Remus said to Sirius.

"You heard him, he wants me to go instead," Peter said brightly.

Sirius stretched out, crossing his legs at his ankles. "I wouldn't want to go to some dumb Slug party anyway. I mean, what kinda name is Slug Club? It's stupid. Sounds slimy."

"You're only saying that cause you weren't invited," Peter said.

"Neither were you," Sirius spat out and Peter fell silent.

"I wonder why you weren't invited." James sat next to Sirius, hugging his knees to his chest. "I mean you're rich too, and as pureblood as me..."

Sirius inspected his fingernails, trying to appear aloof. "Dunno," he said in the sort of tone that meant he did know. "So Remus and I will have loads of fun while you two have a super boring time at a super boring party. Right, Remus?"

Remus shrugged. "Sure."

Sirius smiled, though there was something a little sad behind that smile. Remus wanted to know. Why he was sad. Why he wasn't invited. But it wasn't really his business... so he looked down at his bag as he began repacking it in preparation for study group later.


	33. Chapter Thirty-Two - Death Is Cooler Than Love

During study group on Thursday night, Raven Craft bluntly asked if anyone had been invited to Slughorn's party. Apparently the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs were talked to earlier in the day; Craft was one of them which he boasted out, Buckling had also been invited which she didn't seem to care about, and Bones who flat out said he was pretty sure it was because of his bloodline.

"Remus and I are going," Lily said. Remus considered bringing up the fact he _wasn't_ going, but figured he'd keep quiet for now and tell her later. He didn't want to get into a big discussion about his reasons in front of everyone, especially since Craft was so proud of being invited.

"Are you not going?" Craft looked at Silverlocke who shook his head. "I would have assumed he asked all the Slytherins to go."

"He only asked for four of them," Silverlocke mumbled. "Avery, Nott, and Urswick because of their blood. Snape, I am assuming, because he's absolutely remarkable with potions."

"The Silverlocke name is even more ancient than the Urswick name though," Craft said, tilting his head.

Silverlocke's cheeks went very faintly pink. "I'd rather we do what we came here to do. I wasn't invited, neither were some others here. It's rude to be flaunting."

Now Craft blushed as well. "I wasn't flaunting! I was only asking!" But Silverlocke's words did shut him up, and the group began working on their assignments like usual.

Twycross was very quiet during all of this but when they left the library she began complaining about the whole Slug Club thing, stating that it wasn't fair or right that Slughorn was picking out only a _few_ 'special' students while leaving the others to feel average, and how could someone like Bones be invited while she hadn't been?

"I'm a pureblood too! And my grades are more than exceptional!" With that she looked at Lily, with a rather nasty glint in her eyes. Lily decidedly ignored her which seemed to irritate the other girl. "Apparently it isn't just _blood_ or _grades_. Or potions. Lupin's the worst in potions yet he was invited."

"Remus's grades are better than both of ours combined when it comes to other classes," Lily said. She wouldn't speak up for herself however she wasn't about to let Twycross insult Remus.

Twycross frowned then bit her lip. "No, you're right about that. Just... it seems very mean. For Slughorn to just... single some kids out. You're special, and you're special, and the rest of us aren't."

Remus wondered if she'd feel that way if she had been chosen. He suspected not. He figured she'd be flaunting it, like Craft had been.

*

On Saturday afternoon, Remus had planned on spending his time watching the rain patter against the windows while he disappeared into a book, however almost as soon as he got settled on one of the common room window seats after lunch with his book, the entrance opened and in tumbled James and Sirius, looking for trouble. Or rather, looking for a lookout to help them with their trouble.

Remus closed his book, tracing his finger along the inlaid pattern on the cover. "Thanks b--but I'm not--not--I mean, you really shouldn't be purposely c-causing trouble."

"But it's fun!" James complained as he climbed onto the window seat, kneeling next to Remus.

Sirius opted to lean casually against the wall, arms folded, looking very cool indeed. "I know you agree. If you didn't, you _never_ would have helped us with the dungbombs in Filch's office."

Remus pressed his lips thin, feeling like he was never going to live that down. "M--maybe..."

"You wouldn't be helping us with the bat-bogey hex," James added in a quiet whisper.

Remus slumped a little, drawing his knees up. "Th-that's really more of me trying to see if I can do it. For the sake of... the... the sake of... errr..."

"The sake of causing trouble?" Sirius asked with a grin.

"No!" Remus replied sharply. "The sake of, er, transforming a spell! Seeing if I--if I can. It's a little advanced and... I'd like to see... to prove to myself... that I'm able to do something like that."

"For the sake of causing trouble," Sirius laughed causing Remus to scowl.

"Come on, mate, a brilliant mind like yours deserves to be doing something bigger than just _school_," James said, inching closer.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "Flattery will get you no where."

"Flattery gets you everywhere," said James in an instant.

Sirius lightly rapped his knuckles against Remus's head. "Your brilliant brain with our mischievous minds... imagine it."

Remus opened up his book again. "Being a lookout doesn't exactly challenge the mind, now, does it?"

"Peter's awful at being lookout," James said in an even quieter tone even though Peter wasn't anywhere in the common room and couldn't possibly hear. "Last time he completely panicked and then tried to run and tripped and fell and we were caught."

"The girls' bathroom?" Remus asked. Both boys nodded. "What are you planning this time?"

Their faces both went impossibly smooth yet somehow innocent. "Just something in the dungeons, nothing... too important," Sirius said with a yawn as if to prove how boring it all was.

That aroused Remus's suspicions even more. "I won't help unless I know exactly what you're planning."

James slithered off the seat and grabbed Remus's arm, pulling him off the seat as well, towards the entrance. Remus protested as he stumbled, trying not to fall, but James had a firm grip on him. Sirius followed, his hands in his pockets, long legs keeping up easily. James pulled Remus through the entrance then off to a side corridor. He gently pushed Remus against the wall, looking around to make sure they were completely alone.

"Breaking into Slughorn's stuff," James said.

Remus dropped his book. "_WHAT_?!"

"Shhhhh!" James flapped his hand. "Look, ol' Sluggy's got to have some cool stuff already made up! I just want to _see_ what he has."

"No, absolutely _not_!" Remus hissed back. "Are you crazy?! D'you know how much trouble you could get into for doing that? You could get--get more than detention! You could get expelled!"

James held up his finger. "_If_ we're caught."

"Which we won't be, with you as lookout," Sirius said, eyes twinkling.

"No. No!" Remus bent down, scooping up his book. "Breaking into...?! And you say _I'm_ the one who should be in Saint Mungo's! Blimey!"

He turned to leave but Sirius stepped in his way while James's hand darted out, grabbing hold of his sleeve. "Wawawawait! I promise we're not stealing anything, just looking! Just! Nothing else!"

"Why are you 'just looking'?" Remus asked.

"To make future plans," Sirius replied and James elbowed him. "What? Might as well tell him the truth."

James smacked his hand against his face while Remus hugged his book, shaking his head. "No, that's--no. I appreciate the honesty however no, I won't be part of that."

"Just looking...!" James called out as Remus walked off, back to the common room. "Dang it, Sirius! You should have told him it was for researching something for homework or something, he'd've helped us _then_."

"Come off it, he wouldn't have no matter what. I suppose this means I'll keep lookout while you break in..."

Remus stopped when he heard that. _They're going to get caught_. He glanced back over his shoulder at them. They weren't looking at him, had no idea he had overheard them. _With my hearing I'd be a better lookout_..._ less chance of them getting caught_... He wasn't sure if they'd be expelled for sure however he couldn't imagine it would end well. Plus they were already behind all the other houses with points...

Before Remus knew what he was doing, he had turned back 'round and walked to the two boys who stared at him curiously. "Fine. I'll do it. But _no stealing_! Promise?"

"Promise," James said then spit in his hand before offering it happily.

_Spit swap promise, just like Lily told me about_. Remus crinkled his nose as he stepped back. "That's disgusting." James just glanced down at his hand in confusion while Sirius snickered.

*

Remus situated himself near Slughorn's office, sitting on a stone bench, his book open on his lap. He had come down first, then once the hallways were devoid of other students, James and Sirius walked past him, James using the unlocking spell on Slughorn's office. Remus had knocked earlier to make sure it was empty. The two boys slipped inside while Remus clutched at his book, heart pounding. He could hear distant footsteps however nobody came close. He could also hear James and Sirius inside Slughorn's office, the gentle rattle of bottles. _They're probably stealing stuff_, he thought bitterly.

After about five minutes Remus froze as he heard familiar heavy footsteps. Slughorn. He quickly ran over to Slughorn's office door to give the few short raps that Sirius had told him to do, then hurried off towards the footsteps. He practically bumped into Slughorn at the corner, taking a few more off-kilter steps before turning back towards his teacher.

"I'm sorry, P--Professor," he said as Slughorn turned as well to face Remus, his back to the hallway where his office was like Remus had hoped would happen.

"No running in the halls," Slughorn said.

Remus nodded. "Sorry," he said again. "I w--was actually just looking for you. I had a question about our assignment."

Slughorn smoothed down his mustache, rocking on his feet a bit. "Hmm, yes?"

Past him, the door to his office cracked open, a glint flashing off of James's glasses as he peeked out. "It's about the arnica, s--sir, for the bruise balm. It s--says to boil for five minutes..." He trailed off and Slughorn frowned, waiting for the question. Remus began coughing loudly as the office door swung open. "S--sorry. Anyway, it says to mash th--them up into a pulp and..."

"_And_?"

Remus began coughing again as Sirius quietly closed the door. "S-sorry. Er, anyway, do you have to, uh, you know, squish the water out or--or leave them a bit wet?"

Slughorn smiled broadly. "Ah! Excellent question. Now, while you do need to _drain_ them you don't need to press any more of the liquid out, although some potions we will be studying in the future you _will_ need to press the liquid out and use that in the potion instead of the mash. Now..." He began giving a small lecture on the difference between the juice and the mash, while Remus smiled and nodded, occasionally going 'oh really?' and 'I see' until James and Sirius disappeared down the other end of the hall completely.

"Th--thank you, sir, I understand better now," Remus promised and Slughorn beamed. "I sh-should go work on my essay right now. Have a good day!"

He turned, hurrying off, hoping that they hadn't stolen anything. He really wasn't sure if he could completely trust them or not.

As it turned out, they _had_ been honest about not stealing, as well as using this opportunity to make plans for future pranks. They told Remus about all sorts of fun, interesting potions they had seen, and could Remus possibly help them research a few that looked cool? Sirius had written down the names of several different potions which he handed to Remus.

"Why _me_? You t-two are perfectly capable of doing research," Remus said, though he was curious and took the list. A couple names looked familiar, most didn't.

"You're better than us," James said simply.

Remus scanned the list, wondering how someone like Sirius could have such beautiful handwriting. It looked like an adult's handwriting, even neater than Lily's. One word popped out at him. "You want to make a death potion?"

"Death potion? Which one's a death potion?" Sirius asked, bending in to look at the names. "None of them say that."

Remus ran his finger under one of the words. "A-mort-entia. Morte means death."

Sirius and James looked at each other. "Cool," they both breathed out.

"Orrr... actually, it could possibly be a love potion. Amor is another name for Cupid. Hmm, and amor also means love."

"Not as cool," James said, looking disgusted while Sirius made gagging noises.

Remus shrugged. "Or it c--could be something else entirely."

"So, you'll research them?" Sirius asked, eyes locked on him.

He closed his eyes. "Yes," he reluctantly agreed. James and Sirius high fived each other. "However, if this _is_ a death potion I won't--"

"Death potion?" The door swung open and Peter came in, mouth hanging open.

"Where have you been all day?" James asked. "Close the door! Don't want everyone listening in, do we?"

Peter obeyed, coming in the room, eyes darting between the three boys then at the list in Remus's lap. "Death potion?" he asked again. "And I was in detention, remember? For helping _you_ last month with that frog spawn thing? So, death potion?" he asked for the third time.

"Yeah, we broke into Sluggy's office and saw a bunch of neat looking potions, and one of them's a death potion," James said excitedly, his words running together.

"Or a love potion," Remus said.

"No, that's stupid, who'd want that?" James asked, waving his hand dismissively.

Peter stared at the list in awe. "Wh--what's the death potion do?"

"Kill you," Sirius said and Peter shuddered. Sirius then leaned in close. "One drop on your skin and BOOM!" He clapped his hands right in Peter's face. He screamed, falling to the floor. "You're dead." Peter now writhed about, whimpering, while Sirius laughed.

Remus sighed loudly. "Just ignore him, he has n-no idea what it really does."

Sirius had to grab the bed post to keep himself from falling over from laughing so hard. Peter stopped moving then slowly sat up, frowning. "Really?"

"Really," Remus promised.

Peter breathed a sigh of relief and stood back up. "So how come you know what the potion is but don't know what it does?" Remus explained the word thing while Peter listened intently, mouth forming an 'o'. "Wow. You're so smart. You know, like, everything, don't you?"

"No..."

"Well, you know _lots_. Is it cause you never had friends?"

"_Peter_!" James snapped and Peter recoiled back.

"S-s-s-sorry!"

Remus just smiled, picking a bit at the corner of the parchment. "Probably." All three of them looked surprised that he had answered. "It's true," he said, focusing on the parchment even more now, a little uncomfortable saying all this but they already knew anyway. "I never had friends so--so I read."

Peter studied Remus carefully. "How come you never had friends?"

"_PETER!!_" Sirius yelled, thumping him right on the top of the head. "Merlin, have you got nothing in that skull of yours?"

Peter clutched his head, pouting while he apologized again. "S'fine," Remus said.

"No it's not, don't encourage him," James said while Sirius balled up his fist like he was going to hit Peter again.

Peter scrambled behind Remus, though he was both taller (a little bit) and wider (a lot). Remus stared up at Sirius with big eyes, hoping he wouldn't punch Peter; it had been a rather insensitive question, sure, but didn't deserve violence for it. Sirius sneered as he lowered his hand. "Dung-brain," he grumbled, then went to his own bed, sulking. "You know, if lack of friends is what made Remus smart then _you_ should have had _hundreds_ of friends, Peter."

Peter didn't get it and Remus flinched when he blundered into practically proving Sirius's insult right with, "I didn't really have friends." Sirius broke up into laughter again, smacking his thigh, a few tears rolling down his cheeks. James doubled over, clutching his sides, laughing too. "What?"

"They're being rude, that's what," Remus said, glowering at Sirius. Peter gave a sad little huff. Remus folded up the list of potions, tucking it into his pocket. "C--come on, let's go play some cards or something. You and me." He got up, looking directly at Peter. "_Just_ you and me."

Sirius sat upright. "Wait a minute, he was rude to you! Why him?"

Remus raised his eyebrows. "It was an accidental rudeness, unlike you being purposely rude."

"I wasn't rude," James said.

"You laughed," Remus answered.

James eyed Peter then grinned back at Remus. "It was funny."

Remus rolled his eyes, opting for not replying as he left the room with Peter trailing behind him. "Um, look, I--what was he being rude about?" Peter asked, tugging at Remus's sleeve. "He just said I probably had a lot of friends, that's not rude..."

Remus sucked in some air then slowly exhaled. "Never mind," he said, not wanting to explain. Feeling guilty for thinking it had been a witty joke... but still, very rude, he shouldn't have said it. "Just forget about them."

"They should come play cards with us though. It's all right. I really don't mind whatever they said! I'll go get them." Peter ran back up the steps.

_I guess he is the nice one_, Remus thought, recalling what Sirius had said in detention. He kept going down into the common room and waited for the other three to show up. When they came down, Sirius and James both looked immensely pleased with themselves which irritated Remus. James brought his fancy deck of self-shuffling cards, and let them do their thing as he, Sirius, and Peter sat around the small table Remus had claimed.

"Sorry, Peter, by the way," Sirius said, clearly more for Remus's sake than Peter's, not sounding at all like he meant it.

"It's fine," Peter promised and Sirius got even more superior. It was so much that Remus only managed to get through a couple rounds of sphinxes before excusing himself to go to the library just to get away from their stupid smugness.


	34. Chapter Thirty-Three - Some Slytherins

_Dear Mum and Dad 14/11/71_

_Some of the older students have told us the first end-of-term exams coming up next month are really difficult and most first-years don't pass them however I am guessing they're just trying to panic us._

Remus stared at the parchment, not sure what else to add. He had a lot to say however couldn't say any of it. Couldn't talk about Sirius or James or Peter, couldn't talk about Lily.

_Some students in my study group believes the older students. Craft is getting panicky. He's in Ravenclaw and is the sort obsessed with his grades. Everything needs to be perfect. I'm a little worried too, honestly, but I think I'll do well. I have confidence in most my classes. Not Potions though. I still haven't been able to figure out a good way to stop the smells. I'll figure it out eventually... I hope._

He had no idea what else to write. It seemed like everything outside the sphere of his friendships seemed far away, boring, distant. He could write about his grades and schoolwork as he always did... what else was there?

_The first Gryffindor Quidditch game is coming up in two weeks. It feels like I'm the only one not excited. Even my Muggleborn roommate is super excited. One of the boys I share a dorm with... Potter... is a Quidditch fanatic. I constantly hear him talking about the team, discussing possible formations, bragging about how he's going to be on the team in the future..._

Remus propped his chin on his fist, his elbow on the desk, quill in mouth. He knew James would be on the team. He may not have known much about Quidditch but he knew James was a talented flyer.

_Even Evans who is one of my study buddies and a Muggleborn is excited. She loves to fly. She's always excited for our lessons on Tuesday, even if last Tuesday everyone got sick cause we flew in the sleet._

Remus hesitated, then stopped writing, afraid if he talked about Lily too much they might read between the lines.

_The game is against Hufflepuff but everyone is most excited for the Gryffindor-Slytherin game. Maybe I'll go to that one. I don't know. I'm sorry, Dad, I know I've disappointed you thoroughly with my disinterest in the sport but I just don't see what's so exciting about flying around throwing balls through hoops._

Remus twirled his quill now, staring at the damp, clumped up bits from where it had been in his mouth.

_I really hope some of my grades make up for that disappointment._

His mind went completely blank. He knew he couldn't add anything else because he was just too distracted by things he _shouldn't_ be writing.

_Only a few more weeks till the holidays! Can't wait to see you both._

_Love,_

_Remus_

He folded up the parchment carefully, then after it was safely tucked into an envelope he left the dorm, heading out of the Gryffindor tower. He was aware about two hallways down that he was being followed but decided to ignore that, and kept walking. Once he got near the owlery he slipped his cloak on then went into tower which was always chilly in the cold weather from the open windows. Most the owls began protesting as soon as they got wind of him. He carefully made his way where Arthur stayed, trying his best to radiate 'not a predator!' energy. His owl flapped down, landing on his arm, giving him a nuzzle as if reassuring him it was okay, _he_ still loved Remus even if the other owls were being all mean about a werewolf in the room.

"Brought you something." Remus dug out some chocolate, a corner of a bar he had saved. Arthur happily snapped it up then stood on one of the perches while Remus attached the letter to his leg. "Mum and Dad, as always. Fly safe."

He watched Arthur fly off into the rain, feeling worried about the old fellow. He hated sending him out in this weather but knew it would be raining or sleeting for a few days at least. Once Arthur was nothing more than a tiny speck, Remus left, almost tripping over Sirius who was sitting on the steps just outside the door.

"Merlin, are you t-t-trying to kill me?" Remus demanded, grabbing the railing to stop from falling over.

"Oops!" Sirius jumped up, smiling. "You all right?"

"Yeah. What are you d--doing here?"

Sirius shrugged. "James went to watch the Quidditch practice and it's crap weather so I didn't wanna go and I was bored. Saw you leave so..."

"You followed me," Remus accused.

"Yep." Sirius didn't even bother hiding it or pretending he hadn't. "I also wanted to talk to you, about yesterday. What Peter said."

They began walking down the corridor, Remus taking off his cloak as they went, feeling a tiny stab of jealousy when he compared his own garb (worn out, secondhand, faded patches) to Sirius's (expensive, neatly pressed, perfectly tailored). Even though James wore expensive stuff too, it was mostly Sirius that made Remus feel inadequate.

"What d-did he say?"

"About the friend thing." Sirius stared sideways at Remus. "Did you really not take offense to that?"

"N-not really."

"But you took offense to what I said about Peter."

Remus tried not to groan. "I s-said so last night. I wasn't perturbed over_ him_ b-because it was accident, however you--"

"Yeah, yeah, mine was on purpose," Sirius grumbled. "Fine. I just--he's so stupid sometimes."

"That doesn't mean you should s-say so." _Is that what friends do_? he wanted to ask, but didn't. _Insult each other? Call them stupid behind their back? _"I thought he was your friend."

Sirius began picking at his fingernails. "I guess. I dunno."

"You told me he--he's part of your group. You called him the nice one."

"Yeah, he is." Sirius rubbed the back of his head, giving an awkward smile. "He's the nice one, and the stupid one."

"And you're the jerk?" Remus couldn't stop himself.

Sirius's cheeks tinted very slightly then he got a very haughty look on his face. "You trying to tell me he isn't?"

"He's... not the... b--brightest Lumos spell around," Remus admitted, "but he--means well. Whereas you, I believe, don't mean well at all, do you?"

"I _do_," Sirius argued then gave a loud sniffle. "Sometimes. Fine, if you aren't par...turbed... over the question, how come you've never had friends before?" He said it with his jaw jutted out, as if daring Remus to get mad at him.

Remus just smiled. "Perturbed. And just because I'm not, d--doesn't mean I'm going to answer it." He thought of what he told Lily, about his mother being so sick nobody was ever around. He'd tell them eventually, just right at this moment he still wasn't completely sure if he could trust them or not. Especially with Sirius calling Peter stupid. "Do you insult me when I'm not around?" Remus blurted out.

Sirius came to a sudden halt, eyes wide. "What?"

"You called Peter stupid."

"I also called him that to his face." Remus drew his lips in, forming that thin line he learned from McGonagall. "I don't know how I feel 'bout him, all right? But _you're_ my friend. For _sure_! I'd never." Remus jumped as Sirius's hand came down on his shoulder, squeezing gently. He could feel the warmth of Sirius's fingers through his sweater. "All right?"

Remus gave a small shrug. "All right," he said, though still wasn't sure if he could trust him.

*

At least Flying on Tuesday wasn't all sleety, though it was cold. When everyone woke up in the morning the ground was covered with thick frost but it had mostly melted by afternoon. James went with everyone even though Hooch was still not allowing him to fly. Today they were given free reign: Madame Hooch wanted to see what everyone naturally did, was comfortable with. Remus, hearing this, was greatly relieved and just sort of hovered a few feet off the ground, ignoring the jeers of the Slytherins. He watched everyone else flying so much higher. Lily was trying a few tricks while Sirius was tossing a Quaffle around with Inkwood. On the ground nearby, James grumbled to himself, poking at the grass with a stick. On the way back to the castle, he complained bitterly and even considered writing to his father.

"He's a Governor, he could override Hooch's ruling," James growled, kicking at a rock.

"We only have four lessons left," Sirius pointed out. "Next year you'll be able to bring your broom, _and_ you'll be on the team."

"That's _ages_ away!" James whined. "Well... least I'll be able to fly during the Christmas holidays."

"You going home, then?" Peter asked.

"Yup. We _were_ going to Switzerland for holiday but my grandpa's not doing well and probably be his last Christmas so... we'll be at home. I really wanted to go to Switzerland, too."

Remus felt it a bit callous of James to say something like that, but he wasn't in any position to judge since he didn't have any baseline to do so; he didn't know any of his own grandparents. Actually, he was pretty sure his maternal grandparents thought he was dead or something; that might have been a false memory though.

"I'm going home too," Sirius said a bit distantly. He didn't offer anything else. "What about you, Remus?"

Remus just nodded then mumbled, "Yeah, I w-want to spend as much t-time with my mother as I can."

"How's she doing?" Sirius asked.

"Pretty good right n-now, thank you."

Peter gave a hefty sigh. "I guess I'll go home too. It'll be no fun here with you guys gone."

"You could spend time with Spinnet," Sirius teased.

Peter made a face. "I'd rather eat a live frog."

They burst through the castle doors, nearly knocking over a bunch of Ravenclaws. Remus muttered an apology but James and Sirius kept walking, not even noticing. Even if they had noticed, Remus knew they wouldn't have cared.

"Wish the holidays were a bit longer though, shame we have to come back on the first," James said.

Remus stiffened a bit then bowed his head. The first--it'd still be the full moon. He'd be unable to come back on the train. What was going to happen, then? Would he be able to use the train on the second? How would he get back? His father hated using the public Floo network in town, hated doing anything publicly, and was not at all licenced for slide-along apparation (nor was he very good at it so it probably wouldn't work out anyway) so that was out of the question. _How am I going to get back to Hogwarts_?

Remus waited nervously for Arthur to return and even though he came back with a letter from his mother on Thursday, it felt like it had been eons since Tuesday afternoon. He skimmed the letter, carefully sorted out the cookies (pecan). He gave two each to his four friends, broke one up for Arthur, and kept three for himself. He wanted to hurry to send a letter back immediately however didn't want anyone seeing what he was writing so he had to wait till lunchtime when he could snatch a few sandwiches and go up near the owlery tower to eat while he wrote.

_Dear Mum and Dad, 18/11/71_

_Thank you so much for the cookies, it's always a wonderful treat! Your cookies are so much better than the ones made here at Hogwarts. Maybe because you make them the Muggle way or something. I don't know. But I love them._

_During Flying lessons on Tuesday Hooch told us we could do whatever we wanted and I think she was a touch upset I decided to just fly near the ground and not go very high. But she did say it was our choice, so she couldn't really complain. After flying lessons I overheard some of the other students talking and it made me realize something: we're supposed to come back on the first._

_That's not going to be an option for me. So what are we going to do? How am I supposed to get back to Hogwarts? We'll have to use the public Floo network at the pub, right? Or am I just staying for the holidays? Please let me know as soon as possible._

_Love, Remus_

He sealed the envelope, then hurried into the tower. Poor Arthur was asleep so Remus had to call a few times before he woke up and fluttered down, visibly tired. "I'm sorry," Remus whispered, stroking his chest. "You can wait till tonight to take this." He attached the letter to Arthur's leg. "I just need it there soon..." He stared at the snowy owl and then suddenly felt worried that he was pushing him too much. He was much older than Remus, nearing the end of his life. Remus wasn't sure how many trips the old bird had in him... "Please rest first, though."

Arthur hooted and flapped back to his perch, falling back asleep right away. Remus watched him for a moment then left, still worried.

*

Thursday evening at study group, and Lily was a couple minutes late. Craft opened up his Defense book, starting to read out loud about the assignment they all had, when Lily showed up. She was moving in a rather erratic way making Remus wonder if she was sick, but then another person appeared behind her. A Slytherin uniform, and greasy hair covering half his face. Snape, Remus remembered his name just as they arrived at the table.

"Hey everyone!" Lily was smiling, looking excited. "This is Severus Snape, he's going to join us tonight."

"Great, another Slytherin," Craft muttered so quietly that Remus hoped he was the only one who heard him.

"Hullo, Snape," Silverlocke said cheerfully. "You can sit next to me."

Snape's black eyes narrowed and he took a step closer to Lily. "I don't want to be here," he whispered in a tone that Remus knew for a fact nobody else could hear, besides Lily.

"You promised," she whispered back. Snape shook his head. "Come on." She took his hand, giving him a gentle tug towards the table. "You can sit next to me."

Everyone unabashedly stared at her hand on his. Snape noticed this, and quickly jerked his hand away from hers, a bit of color going into his sallow cheeks. "I don't want to sit next to Loopy," he whispered to Lily, realizing where she was indicating.

"Don't call him that!" she hissed back. "Remus is my friend too."

"He's a nutcase."

"He is _not_." This was actually said in a somewhat normal tone, and compared to the whispering before in the hushed aura of the library it nearly sounded like shouting. Remus kept his head ducked, pretending he hadn't heard what Snape said. Slowly Snape sat in the empty seat, scooting the chair closer to Lily, farther from Remus, a sneer of absolute disgust on his face.

"D--do you want me to s--switch with Silverlocke?" Remus offered.

Snape looked confused. Whether it was from Remus's offer or just the fact Remus spoke to him, Remus couldn't tell, but then Snape nodded. Remus felt hurt--he hadn't _done_ anything!--but got up, switching around with Silverlocke, so the two Slytherins were side by side. Snape looked a little less revolted, but only a little bit. Lily looked disappointed for a split second then smiled.

"So, Severus is going to help us with Potions," she said, folding her hands on her book.

"We don't need that," Twycross said, glowering at Snape who glared sullenly back. "You're perfectly adequate, Evans."

"He's even better than me," Lily said stiffly.

Twycross tossed her hair back, getting a very nasty sort of smile on her face. "I guess I should have said, we don't need more Slytherins."

Both Silverlocke and Snape looked uneasy at that. Lily's green eyes blazed furiously. "Don't be so mean! There's nothing wrong with Slytherins, and Severus is my friend."

That put a hush over the entire table including Remus who sat there in shock. Nobody knew what to say. Lily seemed determined though Snape looked uncomfortable. _Friends_? Remus tried his best not to look at Snape now. When had they become friends? _Why_ were they friends?!

"Slytherins aren't friends with Gryffindors," Twycross said very slowly, as if talking to a bunch of children.

Lily's face flushed but before she could say anything Craft added, "Slytherins definitely aren't friends with Muggleborns."

"I _told_ you," Snape whispered into Lily's ear. Her face was bright red now and she smelled strongly of anger. "I told you this is what would happen if we--"

"Well some Slytherins and Gryffindors can be friends!" Lily said, standing up swiftly. "And some Slytherins don't mind Muggleborns! Some of them are even nicer about it than some _Gryffindors_!" She gave a pointed look at Twycross at that.

"Slytherins aren't nice," Twycross said bluntly.

Silverlocke slid down a little in his seat while Snape's black eyes flashed with fury. Remus felt awful for both of them, wondering again why Slytherins got such a bad rap. All right, a lot of them were nasty and mean, but Silverlocke wasn't, and Snape--well, Remus didn't know much about him besides that James didn't like him for some reason (the feeling seemed to be mutual from what Remus knew). He still couldn't believe Lily was friends with him, though. She had never mentioned it before...

Lily just gaped at Twycross for saying such a thing. Snape, however, broke the silence as he pushed his chair back, the scraping sound very loud. "No, Severus--"

Lily's fingers brushed against his sleeve but he jumped back as if electrocuted. "This. Was. A. Bad. I. Dea." Snape grabbed his bag and stormed off. Lily just watched him go then spun around to face Twycross again who didn't look at all put out.

"What was that all about?!"

"You can't be friends with him, he--"

"I can be friends with whoever I want to be!" Lily's eyes darted around, taking in the countenance of everyone at the table, lingering a little longer on Remus. He gave her what he hoped was a look of sympathy. Twycross really had gone too far. "If anyone here objects to--to inter-house friendship you can just _go_. Because--because--" But words were failing her, she was too distressed. "Oh, never mind!" She grabbed her bag and left, probably going after Snape.

Nobody spoke for several seconds, stretching out to thirty full seconds of silence. Then Silverlocke drew his book closer to him. "Perhaps I should go as well," he said, eyes focusing on the table.

"No," Remus said, startling himself as much as he did everyone else. "Th--this is supposed to be a--a study group for anyone. Slytherin or not. If L-Lily wants to bring another S--Slytherin... a _friend_... she can. And Silverlocke is welcome to stay, if he w-wants to."

"I don't think--" Twycross started them Buckling interrupted with, "Maybe you should." Twycross's jaw hung open. "Lupin's right. If we're gonna exclude the Slytherins, it's not a very _open_ study group, is it? Silverlocke's never gave us any problem and I'm sure if Evans says Snape's okay then he's okay."

Everyone at the table was more inclined to listen to Buckling's words more than Remus. Because she was a Ravenclaw or because he was still considered 'weird'? Either way, it calmed everyone down; even Twycross had the courtesy to look ashamed though with Lily and Snape gone it was a bit too late. A few more seconds of silence then Craft went back to his book, and everyone returned to the initial discussion of their assignment. Remus doodled on his parchment, wishing Lily hadn't left; it felt sort of _ugh_ without her there and if it wasn't for Silverlocke, Remus would probably just leave too. However he thought he was the only one who cared whether the Slytherin was there or not, so he forced himself to stay till their usual forty-five to fifty minutes were up, and he was able to go back to the tower.

Lily wasn't anywhere to be found. He asked Colgate if she had seen Lily but she shook her head. Lily hadn't returned yet. Remus thanked her before finding a seat near the entrance, anxiously reading a book even though the words were jumbled in his head. Seven (aka curfew) came and went, then seven-fifteen, seven-thirty... it was nearly eight when Lily finally slipped through the entrance. Remus jumped up, hurrying over to her.

"Are y-you okay?" he asked.

Lily had been crying even though she obviously was trying to hide the fact. "Yes, thank you. I'm just going to bed early."

"Lily..." But she was going up the girls' stair, and was gone. Remus frowned then felt an even stronger dislike towards Twycross than before.

Still. A Slytherin? Friends with a Muggleborn?


	35. Chapter Thirty-Four - Guess I'll Go Eat Worms

Lily was distant with Remus on Friday and he had no idea what to do... how to help her. He didn't know how to comfort someone, though he had somehow managed that night they made their pinky promise. That had been entirely accidental. He didn't know the right words but at lunch he gave it a try by telling her he was sorry about what happened. Lily had a rather wane smile as she thanked him, so he wasn't sure it was enough.

He wanted to ask her about her unusual friendship but didn't dare, didn't want to upset her anymore, didn't want her thinking he was like Twycross. He didn't disapprove of it... he was just curious. Very, very curious.

He stared across the hall at Snape, at his sallow skin, his greasy hair, his big nose, wondering... how on earth did a Slytherin like that befriend a Muggleborn Gryffindor? It made no sense! Of course, this placed some pressure on Remus. James disliked Snape. Lily liked Snape. So this meant if James tried to pull pranks on Snape, what did Remus do? He recalled dumping the pumpkin juice on the Slytherin weeks ago, and felt a little guilty. He just hoped he wasn't put into a position where he had to make that sort of decision.

"Do you w-want to do something after Defense?" Remus offered.

"No, thank you," she said softly.

Remus nodded and went back to eating, wishing he was normal so he could know what to say.

*

That evening he headed to study group by himself, not sure if Lily would show up. Hoping Twycross wouldn't show up but the blonde was already there when he arrived at the library. So were Bones, Pierce, and Craft. Buckling showed up a moment later, then Silverlocke about five minutes before six, then Lily came in at exactly six, clutching her bag to her chest, face quite pale except for two bright spots in her cheeks. She sat down in her usual seat between Remus and Twycross.

"No Snape?" Pierce asked while Twycross coughed, visibly annoyed by the Hufflepuff's question.

Lily let out a small sigh. "No, he doesn't feel like this is his sort of thing." Her voice was high and clipped. She began piling her books in front of her, rearranging them into their usual order of studying.

"He's welcome to join us whenever he wants," Buckling said and Lily finally smiled.

There was some tension throughout the evening between Lily and Twycross (as well as between Twycross and Silverlocke) however overall it went pretty well. After they finished for the evening Remus and Lily walked back together. Twycross went ahead, not wanting to walk with Lily (though she had given Remus a hopeful look that he ignored; if she expected him to be on her side she was sorely mistaken). Every minute they walked in silence he felt worse, felt like he was completely failing as a friend.

On the sixth floor he stopped walking, waiting until she stopped as well. "I d--didn't really get a chance to s-say but I don't mind if he--he joins us."

Lily stepped closer to him. "That means a lot to me, thank you."

Remus scuffed the toe of his shoe against the floor. "I th-think Slytherins and Gryffindors can be friends."

Now her smile spread, her eyes crinkling a bit. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean... why not?" Aside from the fact they were vicious rivals. It was like the Montagues and Capulets (only hopefully without the idiotic ending).

"I think you'd like Severus," she said as they began walking again_. _"He really likes to read a lot, too. That book you were reading a couple weeks ago... errmmm... about the unicorn...?"

"_Death of a Unicorn_?"

"Yes, that one; he's read it too."

"Ahh." He didn't know what to say again, for entirely different reasons. He could _not_ imagine himself friends with Snape, even if they did both like the same books. He would be friendly if need be, for Lily's sake, but that was it. "How did... you two...?"

Lily didn't say anything for a bit and Remus thought he might have offended her, however finally she began speaking. "How did we become friends? We grew up near each other. We met... a couple years ago. He saw me doing accidental magic and--and told me all about it." Remus remembered she had said as much before, though hadn't said who the young wizard had been. "We became friends after that. He was my first real friend, besides my sister."

Remus recalled she had said most boys were like a different species to her, and wondered if Snape fell in that category since she had been insistent on how 'different' Remus was... "How is y-your sister doing?" He hoped the change of conversation wasn't too obvious. He just didn't want her going on again about the two of them becoming friends.

"I don't know..." She frowned now. "Mum says she's doing well but she hasn't written to me. Petunia, I mean. My sister. She hasn't written to me since that letter I told you about."

"I'm sorry."

"I'll get to see her soon though." The frown turned back into that wide smile. "For Christmas. I can't wait to see her! I already got her a present. I saw a bracelet in Diagon Alley, it's got a petunia flower on it and it's magicked to smell like one, you know, permanently. I spent all my summer allowance on it."

Remus smiled back. "That sounds r-really cool, I'm sure she'll love it!"

"Me too," Lily said. "Circe's Island." The portrait guarding the common room swung open and Lily climbed in. When Remus followed he fell to the floor rather painfully, tasting the metallic tang of blood filling his mouth. Lily helped him up. "Are you--"

"Yeah." he mumbled, sucking down the blood. "Bit the inside of my cheek. I'm okay."

"You are bad at getting through that," Lily said, giggling a little bit.

"That's cause he's the clumsiest person that's probably ever come to the school," piped up another voice. James. He and Sirius were near the entrance, hiding something behind their backs.

Lily spun around with a glare "Oh shut up! D'you always have to be so un_kind?_ What do you have there?"

"Nothing," both boys chorused.

Lily began tapping her foot. "If you insist on knowing..." James said and Lily nodded so he thrust his hands out, revealing a fist full of wriggling worms. Lily screamed, jumping back, while James and Sirius both doubled over, laughing.

"You're _awful_, James Potter!" she snarled, stomping one foot. "Where did you even get them?"

"We nicked them from McGonagall's office," Sirius added, quite pleased with himself. "Apparently we'll be learning to turn worms into stuff later. Not sure what. Sticks?"

"Noodles!" James smacked his lips, lifting his hand like he was going to eat them.

"YOU'RE SO DISGUSTING!" she screamed. "You're more of a worm than those things are!" She stormed off in a huff while James began laughing again.

Remus folded his arms and tried to look stern, not doing a very good job. "What are you even do-doing with those?"

"Putting them on chairs," Sirius replied.

"_Why_?"

Sirius blinked. "Why not?"

Remus stared at them then held up his hands. "You know, I don't even care right now. You two have fun." When he got to the dorm he carefully made sure there weren't any worms on his bed. His bed was empty however he could smell something earthy... he followed the scent and found about twenty or so worms flopping around on Spinnet's bed. Remus scooped them up, intending to throw them out, then...

Later that night James and Sirius seemed disappointed that Spinnet didn't freak out when he sat in his bed for a while, then had a blast watching him flail and scream when he tried pulling on his pajamas and found them full of worms. He roared at James and Sirius who swore up and down they hadn't done it.

"But, if we had thought of it we would've," Sirius added.

Spinnet stomped out, swearing under his breath.

"How'd the worms get there?" James whispered. "Did you...?"

"I didn't," Sirius promised. "Peter?"

"Huh?"

"Did you do anything with the worms in Spinnet's pajamas?"

Peter looked disgusted. "Worms? What worms? Like the ones down in the common room?"

James and Sirius looked at each other. "Then how...?"

Both of them now looked at Remus who began smiling at the book he was pretending to read. Slowly he lifted his chin and glanced sideways at them. "What?" he asked, trying his best to feign innocence. "Maybe he shouldn't yell at me for having nightmares." He put his book on his little side table, turning out the light by his bed. "G'nite." He shut the curtains, pressing his face into his pillow to stop the giggling.

"Brilliant," he heard Sirius say.

*

In the morning Jame and Sirius were both quite giddy over the worm thing, and congratulated Remus all the way down to breakfast, telling him how proud they were of him. Peter did as well but he was still a little grossed out by the worms so his nose was all crinkled up whenever he mentioned it, imagining worms in _his_ pajamas and hoping that wouldn't happen to him.

Remus tried not to feel proud of himself, he knew it was a dirty trick, but he couldn't help it. Spinnet was just so awful sometimes, and said mean things to Remus whenever he had the nightmares that brought the screams. Sure, he felt _bad_ for waking everyone up. He certainly wished he didn't--but he didn't have control over it, and felt that Spinnet's anger was a little over the top for the situation.

"I know you two did it, who else would it be?" Spinnet growled out as he passed by James and Sirius at breakfast.

"Maybe an older student?" James replied innocently (which for him was also the technical truth as Remus was a couple weeks older than him). "I promise, I swear on my honor neither of us did it."

"You don't _have_ honor," Spinnet said then stalked off to sit as far away as he could.

Shortly after owl post came, Lily came dashing over, a package in her arms. She shoved James out of the way--knocking him off the bench entirely--and sat down next to Remus. "My mother sent some baked goods and since you always share with me, I want to share with you!" When she unwrapped the box a waft of chocolate-y smell came out.

"Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking," James complained, getting up off the ground and brushing himself off. "You always gotta do that?"

"Here." She gave Remus two gooey brownies, ignoring James completely. Peter looked a little hopeful but she ignored him too. "I hope you like them."

Remus broke off a corner of one and closed his eyes as soon as it was in his mouth. "It's amazing. Your m-mum's a good baker."

"Yours is too," Lily said, smiling.

"Th-thank you for sharing them."

"Anytime. I'll see you later!" She took the box and returned to her seat next to her female friends.

Peter still looked hopeful so Remus reluctantly broke up the second brownie into three parts. "Nah, that's yours," Sirius said then punched Peter's shoulder when he reached out.

"No, it's f-fine," Remus said. Peter snatched up the bit of brownie eagerly. Sirius scowled then scowled even more when James shrugged and took the second piece. Finally Sirius sighed, thanking Remus as he took the third piece, which reminded James and Peter to both thank him as well. Remus ducked his head, finishing off his brownie, hoping Lily wouldn't mind so much that he had shared.

*

_Dearest Remus, 21/11/71_

_I think the best course of action is to wait and see how you feel during the Christmas holidays, if you want to go back to Hogwarts at all. Once we figure that out, we can figure everything else out._

_Love, Mum_

Remus stared at the short message, feeling dizzy. He read it again. And again. And again. Then he left the Great Hall, went into a bathroom, locked himself into a stall, and read it _again_.

"Wait and see," he said, his finger following his mother's curly writing. "Want to go back." What did she mean by that? It made no sense whatsoever! "Wait and see? Wait and see _what_?!" He wanted to reach into that letter--no, that _note_\--and pull out more words. An explanation. _What do you mean, Mum? What do you mean wait and see? What do you mean how I feel? What do you mean IF I want to come back?! _"Why--why wouldn't I?" he asked the paper, fingers curling against his thighs.

His breakfast churned in his stomach, rising into his throat. He quickly jumped off the toilet so he could throw up, his throat burning for a minute or so. He flushed the commode and staggered out of the stall, rinsing his mouth out. After he splashed his face, he stared at his reflection in the mirror, thinking about all the letters he had written. Had they sounded too sad? Too lonely? He wrote endlessly of school and classes and how much he loved it here, how could she possibly think he'd not want to come back? Maybe she thought he felt unsafe? But he _wrote_ to her that he _did_ feel safe. So what did she mean?

He reached out, fingers touching the mirror. Then jumped back as a ghost bobbed up into appearance behind him.

"Hullo Remus," Myrtle said, looking as glum as he felt. "I was in a stall down that way and heard retching so I thought I'd come see but it's just you."

"Hullo Myrtle," Remus replied, still looking at his reflection. Their reflections. Both sets of eyes seemed hollow. "Did something happen?"

"Some girls were complaining about my bathroom," she said, lip curling back. "Said it's not fair it's out of order."

"It's not really out of order though, they could still use it if they really wanted," Remus said. He really didn't feel up to a conversation at the moment, and hoped he didn't sound too miserable, though he supposed if he did show how miserable he felt it would just make her happier.

"Nobody wants to," she answered, floating over to sit on the sink. "Did you eat something nasty for breakfast?"

"No, just don't feel so well today," he said, tucking the note from his mother into his pocket.

"You should skip classes then." Myrtle brightened at that. "Come visit me."

It was tempting. Not the visiting part, the skipping part. He wanted to go somewhere to be alone and reread the few words a million times over, try to glean _something_ from them. "I'll visit you after classes," he promised. "I can't skip. As much as I'd like to."

She swung her legs, giving a moany sort of sigh. "Very well. I'll see you later. You _better_ be there," she added darkly before zipping down the sink's plumbing.

Remus bent in to look down the drain. "I will!"

It wasn't until he was nearly to Transfiguration when he stopped in his tracks, wondering why on earth Myrtle had been hanging 'round a boys' bathroom.

*

Professor McGonagall had noticed the troubled look on Remus's face during class so she wasn't at all surprised when he stayed behind, tugging at his baggy robe sleeve, a deep frown across his face.

It took him a few tries then finally he told her his worries about coming back after Christmas. That the first was a full moon so he couldn't, his father couldn't do slide-along apparition, his parents _despised_ using the public Floo. He wrung his hands and whispered his worry that he'd have trouble getting back, he didn't know _how_ he'd get back. He explained he had written to his parents but his mother had just said they'd talk about it over the holidays and he didn't want to wait that long, he wanted to be assured there was something that could be done. He didn't tell her anything else about his mother's note. _Wait and see, if you want to come back_. Those words floated around his head, pressed into his chest.

McGonagall listened to him then conjured up some tea and biscuits, even though he had History soon, and she had another class. "I admit, we hadn't thought of that aspect of things," she said as Remus took one of the biscuits. "Don't worry, we'll be able to find a solution. Perhaps we can set up a portkey. Does your father know how to do that?"

"I d--dunno," he mumbled.

"Have you ever traveled by portkey?" she asked and he shook his head. "Do you know what that is?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "I just d-don't know if my f-father can do that."

"The only other real option is having a teacher come fetch you with slide-along however as far as I know there isn't anyone at the school with a license to bring minors..." McGonagall took a delicate sip of her tea. "Perhaps we can make a portkey, have it enchanted to take you at a specific time. That way you can take it with you, and return on the second. However... portkey travel can be... intense... I am not sure if you'll physically be up for it."

"I'll be fine," he said quickly. He had no idea how 'intense' portkey travel was but he could handle it. Even if it reopened some of his wounds, he'd heal. "It'd p-probably be easier to arrange than having a teacher c-come get me, right?"

"Yes..." She took another sip of tea, studying her young student. "However I am beginning to think it will be too dangerous, especially for an eleven-year-old. If you accidentally let go--"

"I won't."

"And you'll still be healing--"

"I'll be fine," he said again.

McGonagall glanced down at the liquid sloshing gently around in the cup. "We'll arrange something, Mr. Lupin, don't you worry. I'll speak to Albus this evening, and we'll contact your parents to get their input. What they feel would be best for you."

"Th-thank you, Professor." Remus quickly finished the biscuit, swigged down most the tea, then stood up. He was about to wipe his mouth off on his sleeve then realized how ill-mannered that would be, and he picked up a napkin. "I r-really appreciate all the t-trouble you and--and the others go through for me."

McGonagall walked him to the door. "Have a good day," she said and he nearly ran into Sirius who was waiting on the other side of the door, trying to listen in with James and Peter. McGonagall glared at them. "A point each from Gryffindor. Now, off to History, go on."


	36. Chapter Thirty-Five - The First Years' Quidditch Game

At Flying lessons on Tuesday Hooch was having them play a short game of Quidditch. She led them all to the actual pitch, and reluctantly allowed James to join, to make the teams even. Apparently it was going to be a huge game. There were thirteen Gryffindors and thirteen Slytherins, so Hooch explained she was just going to double all the positions except for Keeper. James was practically vibrating, clutching the school broom, so happy he could be part of this. Especially since quite a few older students had shown up to watch, knowing that Hooch was planning this game and they wanted to see the first years.

_I don't even know the rules_, Remus thought miserably, wondering if he could fake passing out enough to get out of this. Hooch had talked about the rules of Quidditch in a previous class however he had sort of phased out during that, not caring. Now he wished he had paid attention.

"Urswick and Struthers will be the Keepers," Hooch said, looking at the list she had made out. "The four Seekers will be Evans, Jacknife, Lupin, and Nott."

Remus jerked a little bit at hearing his name. What did a Seeker do? He couldn't remember. However glancing around he realized Hooch had chosen the four smallest students to be Seeker, so there was a reason for _that_. Then he burned with humiliation as he realized all the other Seekers were girls, and he was among their ranks as being the smallest. _Then_ he realized he _was_ the smallest except for Jacknife height wise. Even Lily standing next to him was a good inch and a half taller than him. At least Peter was close to his own height, as well as Silverlocke, so he didn't feel _too_ wimpy. Just mostly.

"Beaters: Alexander, Black, Bulstrode, Crabbe, Magpie, Mulciber, Nettle, and Spinnet. Everyone else... a Chaser. Now, the Bludgers we'll be using aren't real bludgers. They're softened so they won't do much damage if they hit you." Remus noticed Bulstrode snap his fingers. "There will be four Bludgers, two Snitches, and two Quaffles, however the Quaffles cannot be thrown at the same time towards the same goal. If one team has both Quaffles, and they throw them at the same time towards the goals, you will lose points for your side. Understand? Now, because there are two Snitches, they're only worth seventy points. Also, since we only have forty-five minutes, catching either or both Snitch _won't_ end the game. The winning side will be rewarded with twenty-five points to their house. Any questions?"

_Yes, what does a Seeker do_? Remus kept his question to himself, not wanting to humiliate himself. He figured he could watch the other three and go from there.

Hooch gave rather terrifying looking bats to the Beaters. Bulstrode began smacking his into his other hand, grinning wickedly at the Gryffindors. Sirius spun his around, also grinning though not in a mean way, more in an excited manner. Though nobody was as excited as James who was now hopping from foot to foot in anticipation.

"_Lily_," Remus whispered while they mounted, "_what do Seekers do_?"

She stared at him in disbelief. "Find the Snitch," she replied. "And catch it."

Remus went pure white. Catching it meant taking his hands off the broom. Then again, every single position involved taking hands off the broom so he doubted there was anything better for him.

Hooch released all the balls. Six of them flew on their own, two of them--the red balls they had used before in class--were tossed up as Hooch blew her whistle and everyone took off. Remus stayed close to Lily, trying to remember which ball the Snitch was. _Only two of them and not the one the Chasers use, so the gold ones, with wings_. He scanned the air, remembering how fast they had darted around. How were they supposed to see it? Let alone catch it?!

Remus hovered far too high off the ground, just watching the game. James had one of the Quaffles and was doing fancy tricks to avoid the Slytherin Chasers; he got the first goal of the game. And the second. And the third. He got the Quaffle again but Remus couldn't watch since one of the middle-sized balls whizzed by his head. Remus yelped, nearly falling off his broom, having to wrap both his arms around his broom.

Mulciber was nearby with one of those bats, snickering at Remus. "Careful, lil baby! When the Bludger hits, the cradle _will_ fall!" He flew off, cackling, while Remus tried to sit upright again, a little shaky now. Okay, so hovering in one place was probably a bad idea.

"All right there, Remus?" Sirius asked, flying up to him.

"No! I want to get b-back to the ground!" he complained bitterly. Maybe if he flew close enough to the ground and pretended to crash he could get out of this...

"You've got the perfect build for a Seeker, you know," said Sirius, flying in lazy circles around Remus, keeping an eye out for Bludgers. "Get some courage there, you'd do amazing."

"No."

Bulstrode hit one of the Bludgers their way and Sirius blasted past Remus, hitting it back towards the Slytherins, then diving to get back into the game, leaving Remus alone. He drifted higher, looking for that gold ball again. If his eyesight was as good as his hearing or smelling then he'd be set however his eyes were just what he assumed were normal human eyes with the perk of seeing in the dark. At least he wasn't colorblind.

"Doing well?" Silverlocke flew near him, knowing how uneasy Remus was on a broom.

"N--not really," he admitted.

Silverlocke opened his mouth to say something then Mulciber flew between them. "Silverlocke! Don't talk to the enemy! Dummy! Get back to the Quaffle!"

Silverlocke gave Remus an apologetic look before flying off. Mulciber turned to face Remus, looking as though he wanted to just outright hit Remus with the bat. He sneered then took off after Silverlocke, probably to chew him out some more.

By this point the points had been wracking up. 90-60, Gryffindor, though Slytherin scored a moment later. The older students were watching, cheering, enjoying seeing the first years play. There were Slytherins in the stands as well as Gryffindors. Both sides had their Quidditch teams there to watch, to get an idea of who should tryout next year.

A gold flash went past him and he cried out, falling sideways, spinning on his broom, clutching at the handle, hanging upside down. He locked his arms and legs tightly, panting heavily as blood rushed to his head. The Snitch hovered near him, as if _taunting_ him. It was within reach, if he dared let go of the handle. Which he didn't.

"H--help," he squeaked out, no idea how to flip himself back. He was growing exceedingly dizzy, the world going blurry around him.

One of the Slytherin Seekers--Jacknife--sped towards them and the Snitch flew off, her in chase. Sirius also flew over to help Remus get back round the right way. The Slytherins were laughing hard at Remus's absolute failure. Not just the first years, but the ones in the stands as well. Remus's cheeks went bright red as fingers pointed his way.

"Don't worry about it, she's lost it anyway," Sirius said, jerking his thumb towards Jacknife who was indeed doing zigzag patterns as she tried to re-spot the Snitch. "Pardon me!" He went off and hit a Bludger in the general direction of Jacknife and she _definitely_ lost the Snitch after doing a loop to avoid the ball.

120-100 now, Gryffindor. James had one Quaffle... then Hooch blew her whistle as he got hold of the other, pausing the game so she could shout at him that that was against the rules.

"You never said we couldn't!" James complained. Hooch pursed her lips, realizing she _hadn't_. Apparently it _was_ a rule that he couldn't hold both at the same time. James sighed, visibly cross, but at least he hadn't been penalized. Hooch blew the whistle again, the game resuming. James threw the second Quaffle towards the nearest Gryffindor which was, unfortunately, Peter, who, while a better flyer than Remus, still wasn't very good and he dropped the Quaffle. Slytherin got it, both sides scoring. 130-110.

By this point it was very clear who the good players were: James was the best, hands down. Inkwood was very good too, and had made a few scores for Gryffindor. Sirius made a pretty decent Beater. Those three were definitely the best out of the Gryffindor first years. On the Slytherin side: Mulciber and Bulstrode were both strong Beaters, while Rosier had made most of Slytherin's goals. Urswick was probably a decent Keeper but James was a better Chaser.

Pretty much at this point everyone in the stands were waiting for the Seekers. They didn't have to wait long: Lily suddenly went into a dive. Remus watched her hurtle towards the ground and his stomach rose up into his throat as she got way too close to the ground, then she pulled herself up _one handed_, and had a Snitch in her other hand. The Gryffindors watching erupted into cheers as the scoreboard changed.

200-110.

Remus hooted and hollered (since he didn't dare clap) while Lily handed the Snitch over to Hooch, then returned to the skies, face full of triumph. "G-g-good job!" he called and Lily gave him a thumbs up.

"That was _exhilarating_!" she said back then flew closer. "And a little scary, don't tell anyone."

"I w-was so scared you were going to crash," he said.

Lily laughed. "Me too!"

"Hey!" They both looked up as one of the Slytherins came over, Remus expecting it to be one of the Beaters; it was Snape. He glared at Remus then flicked his gaze over to Lily. "You were incredible," he said.

"Thanks, Sev! You've been doing really good too!"

"Thanks," he mumbled, sounding awkward now. While Rosier had made seven of the goals, Snape had made three of the other four. "I should, er..." He trailed off then returned to the game.

About five minutes later Remus saw the other Snitch and tried to go for it but when it headed to the ground, he couldn't follow very well. His dive was too slow, too shallow, and Jacknife and Nott both ripped past him, followed shortly by Lily. Remus started to pull up, miserable with himself, when pain exploded in the back of his head, he saw a burst of light, and everything went black.

*

Remus woke up on a stretcher, Pomfrey floating it alongside as she walked. He heard other people around so he just closed his eyes, pretending to still be unconscious until she got him to the hospital wing behind some curtains. His whole body was hurting and itchy. As soon as he heard the curtains shut, he opened his eyes again, sitting up. The pain was fading, but it still felt like stabs all over as he moved.

"What h-happened?" he asked softly.

Pomfrey gave him a fierce look. "Apparently one of the Slytherin Beaters 'mistook' your skull for a Bludger. He insisted he saw a Bludger however..." She shook her head angrily.

"Wh-which one? Bulstrode or Mulciber?" He doubted it was one of the girls, Crabbe or Alexander.

"Mulciber," Pomfrey replied, furious. "I _told_ Rolanda not to use real Beater bats but she never listens to me."

"Least it was me and not, you know, someone who would a-actually be seriously h-hurt..." Remus tried to smile but Pomfrey's fury made him just shrink back.

"You _fell_, and probably broke all the bones in your body. Rolanda managed to slow you at the last second however you still hit the ground _very_ hard."

"Did I die?" Remus asked.

Pomfrey froze, her eyes going rather wide. The question had sent her completely off balance. "Of course not," she finally said.

"Oh."

"You sound disappointed."

Remus shrugged and lay back against the pillows. "Just curious, th-that's all." He had never had such a close brush with death outside transformations before. Really, he couldn't be sure he _had_ ever died in the first place, however when his mother once told him (sobbing) about how she thought he had died after his first transformation he _wondered _if he technically died from his wounds, and his regeneration brought him back. He wasn't sure if that was a thing or not. He wanted to know one way or another, and was disappointed Pomfrey couldn't tell him.

"You'll rest here for a while, until sufficient enough time has passed," grumbled Pomfrey, uncomfortable still over his morbid question.

Remus spotted the clock. "Will I be able to go by six? I have somewhere I n-need to be then."

"We'll see," Pomfrey said. "You get some rest, or at least pretend to sleep." With that she flounced past the curtains, muttering to herself.

Remus settled back and probably would have fallen asleep but a bunch of his classmates showed up. Sirius, James, and Peter, followed closely by Lily, Colgate, Inkwood, and Struthers. _And_ Silverlocke, far in the back, keeping his distance. The seven Gryffindors crowded around his bed, asking him a million questions, giving him a headache. He didn't know exactly what happened to his body so all he said was Pomfrey made him take Skele-Gro to mend up all the broken bones he had gotten.

"My wh-whole b-b-body i--itches," he added, his stutter a little worse than it had been due to the presence of Colgate, Inkwood, and Struthers. He didn't know them very well at all. He didn't like they were there; he didn't like there were so many people there. It was making him feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and his skin crawled like bugs were all over him.

"I'm gonna _kill_ Mulciber," Sirius growled, prowling about. "No, really, I'm gonna murder him. He just _whacked_ you! The Bludger was no where _near_ you! Whacked! Full force! Knocked you off! What a total bastard!"

"Professor Slughorn is talking to him right now." Everyone turned to stare at Silverlocke. He took a hesitant step back at the six sets of annoyed Gryffindor eyes, the only ones not being Lily and Remus. "I'm sure he'll be punished adequately."

James pushed past the girls so he could stand right in front of Silverlocke. "What're you even doing here, Slytherin?" Silverlocke's face flushed a little. "Come to gloat?"

"Lupin's... we're..." Silverlocke couldn't finish the sentence, unsure of _how_ to. Remus couldn't answer either. Were they friends? He didn't think so, but perhaps they were. "We're in study group together," he finally said. "I harbor no ill will towards him."

"You're a _Slytherin,_" James sneered. "All you harbor is ill will!"

"That isn't true, Se--" Lily said then her forehead wrinkled, her teeth nipping at her bottom lip. She didn't want to mention her friendship with Snape in front of James, which, Remus figured, was probably the best choice. "Er, Silverlocke's been part of our group for ages and has been very civil and nice. Unlike you."

"He's f-fine, I don't m-mind him h-here," Remus said, tugging the hospital blanket up a bit. What he did mind was _everyone_ being there. He hoped he still at least looked enough like someone who crashed into the ground after getting his brains knocked about.

Pomfrey came out of her office looking about ready to explode at the sight of all the students. She stomped over and put her hands on her hips. "Absolutely not. Two visitors, that's all. Just _two_. The rest of you can go."

Lily gave Remus's hand a squeeze. "I'll see you later," she said, leaving with Inkwood and Colgate. Struthers left too after mumbling that he hoped Remus would be well. That left James, Sirius, Peter, and Silverlocke. As if to prove who had the right to be there, Sirius sat down on the bed next to Remus, and James followed suit on the other side. Both of them glared at Silverlocke who nervously tugged at his tie.

"Er, until later, Lupin," the Slytherin said before he quickly left.

Peter looked rather miserably at the fact he couldn't stay then left as well, very slowly, casting looks over his shoulder as if hoping Pomfrey would change her mind. She didn't, and the hospital doors swung shut behind him.

"You best not bother him," Pomfrey warned, pointing at the two boys before returning to her office.

James stood up, but Sirius flopped backwards onto the bed, making Remus uncomfortable. "Gonna murder him," Sirius said again, hands waving above him. "I bet Sluggy doesn't do much. Probably just a few points taken away."

"I bet the Slytherin team invites him to be a Beater next year," James said, pulling a chair over. "Slytherins are full of cheaters, every last one of'em."

"Silverlocke isn't," Remus said as he pushed himself back, sitting upright, propping some pillows behind his back.

James scowled and Sirius sat up. "You aren't really friends with that thing, are you?"

"D-d-don't call him a _thing_!" Remus complained. "I don't think we're _friends_ but we're--acquaintances, at the least, and we study together. And he is nice."

"He's a Slytherin," Sirius said, picking up the empty glass vase on the bedside table and turning it in his hands, finger brushing against the etch of a unicorn. "Slytherins shouldn't exist in this world."

"What've you got against Slytherins anyway?" Remus demanded.

Sirius remained silent. He just kept tracing the unicorn picture, though the muscles in his jaw tensed and he gave off an overwhelming scent of something that Remus couldn't really place. Not quite anger. Something else, something deeper that stirred the wolf a little, giving him the feeling of being on guard.

James cleared his throat. "Maybe not every single Slytherin, but like, nine hundred and ninety-nine out of a thousand are," he said, mussing up his always messy hair. "Be careful 'round that one, though, Remus. Just in case." Remus nodded solemnly. "You really okay? I mean, Mulciber really... I think everyone in the entire stadium heard the crack."

Suddenly Sirius took hold of Remus's shoulder and was inspecting where Mulciber had hit, his fingers very gentle as they brushed aside Remus's hair. "You got a lot of blood matted in there but I think Pomfrey got it healed up. Does it hurt?"

"A little but not like th--the wound is still there," Remus replied, resisting the urge to push Sirius away, far away, far, far, far away where he couldn't touch him.

Sirius smiled and withdrew his hand, wiping the bit of blood off his fingers onto the blanket. "That's good. Pomfrey's really a talented healer, eh?"

"Yes," Remus agreed.

"Guess this means you'll _never_ try out next year?" James grinned cheekily at Remus who rolled his eyes.

"Wasn't planning on it anyway. So what happened? After I blacked out?"

"Jacknife caught the second Snitch," Sirius said, nose crinkled up. "But James scored again which was good since Hooch called off the last of the game cause of you, after Jacknife got it."

"250 to 190," James said, pumping his fist in the air. "We beat those dumb snakes."

Remus could 't help but smile at James's excitement. "How many g-goals did you get?"

James's grin somehow spread even more, reminding Remus of a jack o'lantern. "Twelve! Inkwood got the other six. No one else on Gryffindor scored. I was gonna score again when Hooch blew that stupid whistle."

"Did you enjoy being a Beater?"

"Dunno, all right I guess. Wanted to be a Chaser but guess Hooch thought these muscles would be better suited for the Beater." Sirius stretched his arms out, flexing.

"What muscles?" James asked.

"Shaddup! Got more muscles than _you_, you're like a scrawny chicken. Evans did good as a Seeker."

"I kinda wanted to be a Seeker, honestly," James admitted. "I knew I'd do well as a Chaser but I've never had the chance to try anything Seekery."

"Guess you're not enough like a scrawny chicken then," Sirius teased.

Remus coughed. "Thanks a lot."

"Well. You are a shrimp," Sirius said and Remus tried to glare but failed.

They stayed until nearly five when Pomfrey finally chased them away. She used a few cleaning spells on Remus's hair before letting him go in time for him to go to his Occlumency lesson. Of course, Remus was far too distracted to be able to do anything and his head started hurting really bad after only two attempts, so after the third Fawley ended the session. Normally he'd be disappointed however today all he did was mumble he'd see her later, and then headed to the Gryffindor tower to take a nap.


	37. Chapter Thirty-Six - Boiling For Revenge

Mulciber lost ten points from Slytherin and had three nights of detention. Somehow he managed to convince Slughorn he really thought there had been a Bludger near Remus's head, and in Potions on Thursday he kept sending really smirky looks Remus's way. When Avery passed by him to get something from the cupboard he whispered, "When the Bludger hits the baby will fall!" just like Mulciber had during the game.

Remus fumed as James worked on the potion they had paired up for. "We'll get him," James promised.

Remus glanced back to Mulciber and Avery who were whispering to each other then snickering. They both saw Remus looking at them which sent them into more laughter. Mulciber swung his long potions spoon like a bat before pointing it at Remus. Remus turned back to his cauldron, not wanting to just sit there anymore. It felt the same when Sirius had ripped his bag and gotten him very temporarily banned from the library. That burning desire for _revenge_, and he didn't want to wait for James and Sirius to do it for him.

There was something clawing inside of him. The wolf, growling and slobbering to lash out, to cause pain. For the revenge. It urged him to just get up and jump on Mulciber and claw at his face until he bled to death, to sink his teeth into the Slytherin's neck and rip out his flesh. At the very least, push over their cauldron letting the boiling hot liquid slosh over both boys.

Remus grit his teeth, curling his hands into fists, entire body trembling as he fought off the violent urges, tried to calm his temper down. James bent in close when he noticed him shaking so he could ask, "You ok?" Remus slowly nodded, eyes squeezing shut. "You sure?" Now Remus shrugged. "Are you sick? You look pale again."

"Fine," he forced out. "I'm fine." He opened his eyes and was a little surprised he wasn't seeing red. It felt like he was being consumed by the thirst for blood. He blinked a few times then let out a long breath, feeling some of the rage leave his body as something inside of him sort of _snapped,_ like it felt like something actually physically snapping inside of him. The wolf still paced in his brain but it wasn't as strong now. He could control it. "Fine," he said, and this time he sounded it, though wondered why he suddenly smelled blood.

James pressed a hand against the back of Remus's shoulder. The touch made him jump. "All right," James said with an anxious smile. "If you need to go to the hospital wing just let me kn--oh! Your nose!"

"Wh...at?" He lifted his hand and when he took it away he saw bright red. He quickly put his hand back up, pressing against his nose.

"I should take you--"

"No, it's f--fine," he mumbled, not wanting to leave class. "It'll stop in a minute." He tipped his head back for show. Once he thought it was healed he blotted the blood away on his sleeve. "I'm fine." James obviously didn't believe him, though.

Remus managed to remain calm throughout the rest of class and didn't have another strange nosebleed (what caused it?, he wondered). As the students left, Mulciber and Avery pushed past the Gryffindors, knocking Peter to the ground, sending everything in his bag scattering. "Whoops!" They both walked off, laughing, Avery stepping on Peter's Potions book. Remus knelt down, helping gather the stuff up, while James pulled Peter to his feet and Sirius shouted insults after the two Slytherins, which Slughorn heard. He hadn't seen the Slytherins knocking Peter so only Sirius lost a point, for the words he said.

"Definitely gotta get revenge," James hissed out, a protective arm around Peter.

"Wish we knew where the Slytherin dorms were," Sirius said as they walked down the corridor. "I know they're somewhere around _here_, in the dungeons, but dunno where exactly."

"We could try to follow some of the Slytherins," Peter suggested.

James grinned for a second then it faded into a scowl. "We'll get caught probably. Oi, Remy, know any good camouflage spells?"

Remus stiffened. Remy? _Remy_?! "N--no," he said, sliding Peter's books back into his bag and handing it to him. "That's very advanced."

"Bet Sluggy's got an invisibility potion or something in his stores, we could break in again," Sirius said quietly. "There wasn't one on that list we got you, right?" Remus shook his head. "We could try that, or maybe research how to make one."

"_Ugh _I wish I was older!" James groaned, tugging at his hair, very frustrated.

"What good would that do?" Peter asked but James wouldn't say, not even when Sirius tried wheedling it out of him, though Remus heard James whisper to him 'I'll tell you later' which slated Sirius's curiosity for the time being though just made Remus more so.

*

When Remus returned from study group that night, he found James, Sirius, and Peter in the dorm just finishing up a potion. Remus started to remind them they weren't supposed to brew potions in their dorms then just squinted at the liquid, wondering what it was. He noticed their Potions book open to the first potion they made: the cure for boils. _What're they doing with that_?

"Are we filling the balloons tonight?" Peter asked rather eagerly.

"Nah, too much a risk of them breaking overnight, we'll fill'em tomorrow," James said.

Remus hesitated as he started to put his stuff on his desk and he couldn't help but ask, "Balloons?"

"Yep!" James grinned. "Water balloons. Well, potions balloons!"

"Balloons full of potion to--to cure boils?" He wasn't following this line of thought at all. It made zero sense whatsoever. Why would they need balloons full of stuff that cured boils?!

Sirius was also grinning though his was more wicked. "Not _quite_. You see... you remember what Sluggy said when we first made it?"

"He--said a lot of things," Remus said, wracking his brain to try and figure out what they were up to. It still didn't make sense. It was like two different things smashed together in an incoherent plan, though from what he knew about James and Sirius that described them pretty well.

"If done incorrectly, this potion can _cause_ boils," James said, imitating Slughorn's way of speaking almost to a T.

"And we've done it incorrectly!" Peter added brightly.

"On purpose," Sirius added, one finger sticking into the air.

"Annnnd we'll be filling water balloons with it tomorrow--" James couldn't even finish his sentence he just broke off into giggles, falling over, clutching his sides as his feet flailed about.

"Sploosh!" Peter exclaimed, spreading his arms out. "All over Mulciber and Avery! Aren't they _geniuses_!?" he added in absolute awe.

Sirius puffed up at that but James was too busy rolling around. Remus was completely torn on what to even say. On one hand yes, it was diabolically genius to do something like that. On the other hand... "You'll get in a--a lot of trouble," he said carefully, knowing they won't care and sure enough they dismissed his words.

"Don't be a stick in the mud," James complained from where he wheezed on the floor.

"This is for you," Sirius pointed out, uncrossing his impossibly long legs and standing up. "For what Mulciber did to you."

"I--I know, and I appreciate it," Remus stammered, taking a step back. "I just don't want you to get into trouble over something like this."

"I thought it was also cause they knocked me over today," Peter said.

"That too," Sirius answered, not even looking at Peter, keeping his eyes on Remus. "If you don't want us to..."

Remus had to smile at that. "If I don't want you to, you'd do it anyway," he said and Sirius looked a little sheepish. "I'm not opposed to the scheme. It's brilliant, it truly is. Just please do be careful."

"_Please_ do be careful!" James drew out in a really snooty sort of voice. Peter laughed and Sirius gave a snort at their friend mocking Remus who changed his mind about not wanting them to get into trouble. Sirius muttered an apology as Remus went back to his bed. He shrugged, pretending like he didn't care. It didn't really hurt that much, just a sort of niggle inside of him reminding him that sometimes his way of speaking wasn't like the others his age, and he hated being set apart like that.

"You best cle-clean up everything before Spinnet gets up--here," Remus said, as he gathered stuff for a shower. "He'd rat you out to-to McGonagall in a heartbeat." By the time he returned from his shower all signs of potion making were gone, and James said they had the stuff bottled up waiting for tomorrow.

*

One thing they knew about the Slytherins is they had a class on a higher floor than them after Defense (probably History). So during lunch James and Sirius fetched the bottles of mis-made boil potions, and after Defense they rushed out of class to start filling up balloons, intending on dropping them on the two culprits when they were going down some stairs. Peter joined them and Remus reluctantly did as well. He knew the likelihood of getting into trouble was high however he wanted to see. Wanted to see boils erupting all over the two jerks.

They jammed themselves in a small side corridor, hidden from the main pathways, carefully filling up the balloons. They were magicked balloons, charmed to break upon impact, so they had to be super careful not to drop them. Peter wore his potions gloves while holding the balloons open while James carefully poured the liquid in. Then Peter gave the balloon to Sirius who also wore gloves so he could tie the balloons off. Remus kept lookout. Well. Listen-out.

Soon they had a couple dozen, all the potion used up.

"Slytherins are coming," Remus said, tucking himself out of sight.

They waited for the Slytherins to pass, then followed keeping their distance. James and Sirius bent over a railing that overlooked a very open area, where there were several staircases. The Slytherins were going down one set with Mulciber and Avery were in the back. Perfect.

"Ready..." The balloons were at their feet, and James and Sirius each picked one up. Remus crouched down to look through the posts of the banister which also helped hide his face though who else would be the fourth one there? "Aim... Bombs away!"

James's hit Mulciber square on the head. Sirius's missed by a couple inches, splashing at their feet. Both Slytherins yelped, jerking in surprise, Avery nearly falling. The Slytherins ahead of them stopped and turned, then looked upwards as more balloons came raining down. The Slytherins scattered and Mulciber was crying out in pain as bright red boils began appearing across his face. Another balloon broke right on Avery's face and soon he had boils on his face and neck. One balloon hit Snape and Remus had the feeling it was purposely aimed. Another one hit Bulstrode. But most of the balloons were for Avery and Mulciber who were soon drenched as they both lay at the bottom of the stairs, crying in pain. Soon the last balloon exploded on Avery's chest, and the Gryffindors ran off. James, Sirius, and Peter laughing hard, Remus trying not to laugh.

Remus thought he might feel a bit bad but he didn't. All he could think of watching Mulciber writhe in pain was he got what he deserved for what happened on the Quidditch pitch. _It's probably a bad sign I don't feel sorry for him for being in pain, but..._ Remus followed his friends to the tower where they collapsed onto a sofa, laughing still. Except for Peter who stood up on the sofa and mimed throwing balloons (complete with Muggle bombing sounds) and soon James and Sirius started miming Mulciber and Avery wriggling about, making fake cries of pain. Finally Remus gave into the laughter.

A few other students looked their way but nobody bothered them.

*

Remus resisted the urge to say 'I told you so' when they went down to supper to find McGonagall waiting for the four of them outside the Great Hall. Her Scottish accent seemed more pronounced as she led them to her office. She told them how disappointed she was in all of them, she couldn't believe they did what they did, how could they even _think_ of it, and on and on until she ushered them through her door, shutting it behind her. Remus thought a slam would have been better than the soft clicking.

McGonagall sat down behind her desk, glasses glinting as her jaw jutted out. "Care to explain the events of this afternoon?" Her eyes locked onto each of them one at a time. When it was his turn, Remus couldn't look back. He bowed his head, staring at his lap instead.

"Which events?" James asked, an innocent smile on his face. "We had Defense Against the Dark Arts, and then we went to the common room."

McGonagall pressed her fingertips against the desk, her knuckles turning white, as she leaned forward. "Water balloons, and _not_ with water. Multiple witnesses place _you_ two..." Her eyes swept from James to Sirius. "...as the attackers of four Slytherins, two of which who will need to be in the hospital wing overnight." Her eyes narrowed as Sirius turned his snicker into a cough. "And you two." She focused on Peter and Remus, both of which were quivering a bit. "You were present as well."

"Really, Professor, Mulciber and Avery hate us! They'd place any blame they can find on me and Sirius, and them too," James said, jerking his thumb towards the other two.

"So you had nothing to do with what happened?" McGonagall asked, eyebrows raising.

"Nothing," James promised.

Remus covered his face, knowing already what was coming. He could have said the words along with McGonagall. "So how did you know it was Misters Mulciber and Avery?"

James fell into absolute silence for a moment before a groan was pushed out behind his frozen grin. "A... good... guess?" he offered. McGonagall simply glared. "All right well, you know, Mulciber did try to murder Remus on Tuesday and all he got was a slap on the wrist!"

McGonagall began drumming her fingers. "How Professor Slughorn chooses the punishments for his students is, unfortunately, out of my control. So am I right to assume this was to get back at them for what Mulciber did?"

"Professor, you saw what happened to Remus, right?" Sirius demanded, waving his arm at him. "Pomfrey said he broke almost every bone in his body! Mulciber did it on purpose! Not only that, he gets away with it! He--"

"I am well aware of what happened on Tuesday, and while I agree it was probably on purpose--"

"Probably?!" Sirius exploded.

McGonagall looked beyond furious at being interrupted. "Silence, Mr. Black. While I _agree_ it was _probably_ on purpose, that does not mean you take the law in your own hands and seek revenge and certainly don't use botched potions to do so! You have no idea what a messed up potion could do to a person! Also, for your information, Horace and I have been _looking_ into it. The punishment Mr. Mulciber received was for the time being until we knew exactly what happened."

At least she didn't seem to realize they purposely made a potion wrong to do this. Remus figured if she did, they'd be in bigger trouble than they already were.

"Mr. Lupin, Mr. Pettigrew, it seems the witnesses put the balloons in Misters Potter and Black's hands and not yours, however you _were_ there, correct?"

Peter and Remus exchanged looks, no idea what to say. "Y-yes," Remus finally admitted.

"Did you throw any of the balloons?"

Peter spoke up this time. "No!"

McGonagall sighed, studying the two of them as she tried to sort out the best course of action. "Five points from Gryffindor, both of you." She gave a nod towards the door. "You two may go while I deal with Potter and Black."

Remus and Peter sat down in the hall across from the door. Remus chewed at his stubby nails, feeling sick with worry. He hoped they wouldn't get into _too_ deep of trouble; after all, it was sort of _his_ fault. It wasn't fair they got the worst of it. _I need to talk to McGonagall when she's done with them, explain that to her_. He hugged his knees to his chest, wishing there wasn't a spell on the door preventing him from listening in. Finally after what felt like an eternity the door cracked open and James and Sirius came out.

Peter rushed over to ask them what happened while Remus was more slow stand. "Same thing as Mulciber," Sirius grumbled. "Ten points each, and three nights of detention."

"Th--that's not so bad," Remus said.

"No but if they decide he's at fault for what happened to you and gets into more trouble, we get the same," James said then made a tsking sound. "As much as I'd hate more, he deserves it so... I dunno _what_ I want to happen." He threw his arm around Sirius's shoulder. "Come on, lads, let's get food."

"I'll meet you there in a few minutes," Remus said. "I need to talk to Professor McGonagall again about--about something." The door was still open but he knocked anyway, going in when she said he could. She looked a little surprised that it was him. He slunk back to the seat he had been in earlier, then stammered out that they were just trying to get back for what happened to him and really if you look at it that way it was his fault, so he should be the one in trouble, not them.

McGonagall took off her spectacles, rubbing at her forehead. "Did you tell them to do this?"

"Well... n--no but--"

"Did you give them the idea?"

"No, but--"

"Did you give them suggestions on revenge?" Remus bit his lip, shaking his head. "I fail to see how it is _your_ fault then, Mr. Lupin."

"It w-was done for me," he mumbled. "Because of me. It's all my fault!"

"So you asked Mr. Mulciber to crack your skull?"

"No!"

McGonagall linked her fingers together, fighting off the desire to smile at the determined look on Remus's face. "You were a victim. While you didn't _stop_ your friends throwing those balloons, you didn't _tell_ them to, didn't ask them. That was their idea, their actions. Unless you use the Unforgivable curse of Imperius, you cannot control someone else's actions. Mr. Potter and Mr. Black are the sort of students who _always_ find an excuse to cause mischief. Just because you were their excuse this time does not put the blame on you. Understand?"

Remus shifted around, tugging at a loose thread on his sweater, mumbling incoherently.

McGonagall rose to her feet and motioned for Remus to do the same. When he did, she put his hand on his far shoulder, her arm loosely around his shoulders as she guided him out of her office. She could feel he was still trembling very slightly. "Let's go to supper."


	38. Chapter Thirty-Seven - His Blood is Black

On Saturday morning the Gryffindors were all geared up for their first Quidditch game. At the breakfast table Remus could see a lot of the students had gone all out. A good two-thirds of them were wearing Gryffindor colors. Many had face paint on and there were quite a few pennants sitting around as their owners ate breakfast. Several students wore hats and there were three older students who had lion masks on their heads, resting on the top until they were ready to go to the pitch. Over at the Hufflepuff table, the students were drenched in yellow and black, badger decorations everywhere.

James, Sirius, and Peter were all dressed up too. Peter had a scarlet sweater on and his Gryffindor scarf sat on the bench next to him. But the other two were both wearing red trousers. James had a gold sweater on, while Sirius wore a red-and-gold striped one that looked like it fit James and not Sirius. James also had pots of red and gold face paint so after they finished eating they smeared their faces with the colors.

"Come on then," James said, lifting red fingers to Remus.

Remus pushed himself away. "I'm n--not going."

"Why not?" James's eyes went huge at the betrayal. "It's _Quidditch_!"

_Exactly why I'm not going_. "I have a lot of--of assignments to catch up with," Remus said, scooting a little more back in case James decided to just slather the paint on him regardless.

"Liar," Sirius said. "Have you ever even been to a game?"

"If you include the one where my brains were bashed out of my ears, then yes," Remus replied rather icily.

"That doesn't count," James said, then turned back to Peter, drawing a red line down the bridge of his nose. "You'll like Quidditch. It's really, er, educational. Peter, come on, sit still, my lion looks more like a kitten."

"_That's_ supposed to be a lion?" Sirius laughed at the shapes on Peter's cheek. "I never knew lions were so triangular. Looks like a slice of pizza."

"Shaddup," James grumbled then made the picture worse.

"No! Wait. It's a badger, you're making him root for the other team, he's a spy!"

"Shut. _Up_!"

Sirius propped his elbow on the table and put his chin against his hand, smiling at Remus. "You really not coming? Even Evans is going, see?"

Remus looked down the table to see Lily, Colgate, and Inkwood were all wearing headbands with lion ears. Inkwood was the most decked out including brilliant gold lion paws that stood out against her dark skin, but Lily was wearing a Gryffindor jumper and when she waved her hand through the air Remus could see her nails were bright scarlet.

"You're the _only_ Gryffindor not going!" Peter said as James gave up trying to draw anything and just smeared the red. It made Peter look like someone had clawed the heck out of his cheek; Remus couldn't look at him.

"Then I'll have the common room all to myself," Remus said, poking at the last of his breakfast.

They kept trying their best to convince Remus up until it was time for them to head out to the pitch if they wanted decent seats. Sirius gave one last plea that Remus pretended not to hear, and then the Great Hall emptied out. Remus went up to the tower very pleased to see he was completely alone which was _really_ nice. He brought all his books down, took the best table and began working on the assignments which only took up about half an hour to finish them. Then he went over to the window to watch the heavy grey clouds drift across the sky. It was drizzling, threatening to really pour down. Remus gave a bit of a shudder, picturing all the red face paint streaking like blood.

Eventually he made his way down to the library where Farrow chewed him out for not being at the Quidditch game. Remus just shrugged and found a nice table to work on the research he promised his friends, making the bat-bogey hex all furry. So far the research had been fruitless however he _knew_ it was possible, he just needed to find the right arrangement of spells. James and Sirius had been getting pretty decent at the bat-bogey hex, at least for first years who were trying a spell that should be beyond their ability. Earlier in the week Sirius had shown off by hexing Peter and a great big gross blob of snot had ripped itself from his nose, fluttered for a moment, then glooped to the floor.

To his surprise, he heard someone else shuffling around the library. A few seconds later a Slytherin came out into the area where Remus was sitting. Snape. He looked very shocked to see Remus sitting there. "Why aren't _you_ at the game?"

"No r-r-reason to--to be," Remus got out, shrinking a little in his seat. _This is Lily's friend_, he reminded himself. _So he can't be all bad_. "W--would you l-like to sit with me?"

"I'd rather drink essence of belladonna," Snape sneered. Then his lip curled a little. "I forgot, you're an idiot at potions. Belladonna is--"

"Highly toxic," Remus snapped right back. "I m-may not be able to-to make potions b--but I'm _not_ an idiot." Then he regretted being rude, because of Lily; then wondered why Snape was being so rude since he _knew_ Remus was Lily's friend too. He was considering apologizing but Snape walked off, muttering to himself about the boils the Gryffindors gave him the previous day, and how unfair it was they hardly got into trouble over it.

Remus scowled, wanting to go after him, remind him what Mulciber did--that he hardly got into trouble over _that_, but he stayed in his seat and went back to his research.

*

Gryffindor won. When Remus returned to the tower in the afternoon he found himself walking into a party. Music was blaring from a radio that had been enchanted to be as loud as possible, there were snacks and drinks everywhere, students dancing together, the Gryffindor team doing so on various pieces of furniture... Remus swallowed and was about to turn around and leave when someone grabbed his arm. He expected it to be one of the boys, but it was Lily. Her eyes were sparkling brighter than the gold glitter smeared across her cheeks, and she began talking--well, shouting--about how _exciting_ Quidditch was and Remus should really come to the next game. She pulled him farther into the common room, ignoring his weak protests or perhaps she just hadn't heard them. The music was _really_ loud.

After about five minutes of being forced to stand around with Lily and her friends, his head began aching from the throbbing bass of the music. It was a rather violent sort of headache that swiftly came and went, making him dizzy. He swayed a little, sweat forming across his forehead. He gazed around until he spotted his other friends. James had tied his Gryffindor tie around his forehead and was on one of the armchairs, making sort of zoomy motions with his hands while Sirius and Peter watched from the floor, clearly recounting the Quidditch game even though his audience had been there. Next to him, Cassandra Inkwood was also talking about the game, going over various moves and tactics the team had done.

Remus bent in towards Lily and tried his best to explain he wasn't feeling too well so he was just going to go lie down. Lily frowned though didn't say anything to stop him, just said she hoped he felt better soon.

Clutching his head, Remus hurried up the stairs to his dorm, shutting the door behind him, still hearing the music. He was surprised McGonagall hadn't come and told them to not be so loud, then again maybe it wasn't so bad for normal human ears. He crawled under his bed to lay there, a pillow wrapped around his head. Finally the music and the headache ebbed to a bearable level. _If this happens every time they win a game, I hope they never win again_, he thought rather bitterly, and wondered how long the Gryffindors could possibly party.

The answer was: a long time. They were still going at it when suppertime rolled around with no sign of stopping. Remus had to go through the craziness to head to the Great Hall and was one of the only Gryffindors down there. Most Gryffindors substituted treats stolen from the kitchens for their dinner. The Hufflepuffs were in the room, more than a few of of them looking quite glum, several shooting looks towards the half dozen Gryffindors as if were their fault. At study group, Lily and Twycross didn't show up. Bones and Pierce did, and Remus hoped they didn't have any ill will towards him. They didn't _seem_ to, and the forty-five minutes went about as well as it normally did. Afterwards, Remus had to talk back up to the tower by himself where the Gryffindors were _still_ partying.

"Where've you been?" James demanded, stopping Remus when he tried to get to his dorm. James's face glistened with sweat, the face paint in horrible streaks.

"S--study group?" Remus asked, flinching slightly as a balloon gently bopped his head. Peter gave the balloon a swat, sending it back to the crowd. "I'm not really much of a party sort of p-person."

Sirius leaned against him, arm around his shoulder. "You went to study group instead of partying? Merlin. Starting to rethink being friends with you."

It took a couple of heartbeats to realize he was teasing. During that short span of time Remus felt exceedingly sick and _hurt_. More hurt than he thought he should be with a sharp pain in his stomach and chest that faded away at the sight of Sirius smirking. Remus did his best to manage a smirk back. "Partying instead of studying? What makes you think I want to be friends with _you _now?" Sirius clutched at his chest, staggering back dramatically, nearly knocking Peter over. "Look, wh-when we're celebrating James winning, then I'll party," Remus promised.

James held up his hand at Remus who stared in confusion. "High five, little buddy," he explained. Remus hesitantly gave him a high five. "Yeahhh!"

Remus returned to his dorm and, after changing into pajamas, remained under his bed for a good long while. The party seemed to end sometime around nine, or at least the music faded away. Shortly after the other boys came up, chatting about the game and the party. After a few minutes Sirius looked under Remus's bed, smiling at him; when Spinnet asked what he was doing, Sirius said he dropped his wand. It wasn't until everyone went to sleep well after midnight that Remus slithered back out and went to bed properly.

*

The last days of November were cold, grey, drizzly, sleety, and a little bit of snow occasionally in the nights. With the only two Quidditch games of pre-Christmas-Holidays now over and done with, the students turned their attention to other things. School, mostly. Pranks, in the case of James and Sirius. As best they could. With the Holidays now three weeks away, their stores were very low, mostly nonexistent. They had to turn to other ideas of playing tricks on the other students. Sunday found Remus copying down a jinx after nearly an hour of trying to find it in the library books, and delivering it to his friends for them to practice, which they spent the entire day doing so. A tripping jinx. Really, a little advanced for a first year however James and Sirius both managed to get it within forty-eight hours.

Tuesday afternoon at lunch they tried it out on some Slytherins on their way to lunch, snickering as the Slytherins stumbled and tripped over their own feet, no idea what caused it. No one looked over at the four first years watching from across the entrance hall.

"It's mean to do," Remus said as Urswick nearly fell into the Great Hall's doorway.

Sirius elbowed him. "Then you shouldn't have helped us."

"Besides, you're sitting here watching," added James as he aimed carefully at Snape coming down the stairs. James couldn't have time it better: Snape stumbled down the steps, nearly falling, having to grab at the banister to keep himself from wrecking into the floor. When he righted himself, Remus could see some blood on his palms from where his hands had scraped down the stone railing. Snape looked at the blood then suspiciously at the Gryffindors. Not a wand was in sight, and in fact James and Peter were very busy looking at a comic book in Peter's lap, while Sirius was tossing a ball high into the air and catching it.

Snape's eyes locked with Remus's, the only one looking. Remus finally looked away.

"Nearly gave us away," James hissed into Remus's ear once Snape disappeared into the Great Hall. "Why'd you stare like that?"

"He was bleeding..."

"So? He deserves it."

That night as he headed to Occlumency, Remus realized Fawley would be seeing all of this, everything he was doing with his friends. That he was the one responsible for the sudden outbreak of clumsiness among the students. Indeed, one of the first memories that surfaced was of him handing the spell over to Sirius, the lot of them amused over this new prank. Another was that afternoon, them in the entrance hall. Sirius and James getting into trouble over the boils thing.

When they emerged from his head, Remus had a faint headache while Fawley had a frown on her face. He could feel the disappointment radiating off of her. She didn't have to say it. She agreed with his parents that having friends was dangerous, and each week she briefly mentioned how risky it was. "You're getting closer to them," she said, her words sliding over him like ice.

"Mmm."

Then to his surprise she asked, "Do you know much about the Black family?"

Remus just sat on the couch, no idea what to say in response. "N... not really. I th-think they're usually S-Slytherins, right?"

"I... have wanted to bring this up with you, debating whether I should or not. You need to be extra careful around him. A Black. They've all been in Slytherin, and they are _all_ dark witches or wizards."

"Obviously n-not," he retorted immediately. Fawley's face tensed as she began smoothing her silky trousers down. "Sirius isn't in--in Slytherin. Plus _he's_ not a dark wizard."

"He will be." Her tone jabbed through the air into him. "All of them are. There isn't a single good member of the Black family. They all believe in absolute blood purity and you can bet that doesn't end with just Muggleborns and half-bloods--just ask your 'friend' what his family motto is. They'd just consider you a half-_breed_. You know, I'm not even sure he'd out you to the Ministry. A Black would use the information for something else. Use _you_."

Each word was like poison, like _acid_. He began shivering and fighting off the urge to throw up, fighting off the urge to scream at her. He saw Sirius, saw his smile, heard his laughter, remembered the gentle way he inspected the back of Remus's head in the hospital wing after the first years' Quidditch game, the way Sirius wanted revenge against the person who had hurt him. Sure, it'd be bad if he knew the truth and Remus intended for that to never happen, but Sirius wasn't _evil_.

"He's a Gryffindor," Remus finally said, not even realizing how haughty he sounded.

"His blood is Black," Fawley said flatly, fingers twitching towards her scars.

Remus drew his feet up onto the couch, realizing something. "A Black attacked you."

Fawley's hand fluttered back to her lap then she slowly nodded. "Her name was Elara Black. A cousin, I believe; perhaps an aunt. I'm not too well versed in their family tree. The Black family certainly clamored for my sister's blood to spill for what happened. Your friend's parents were probably at her execution, pleased to see a werewolf's head roll."

Remus couldn't hold it in anymore. He darted off the couch towards a nearby trashcan, grabbing the edges to tilt it close so he could vomit up his supper. All he could see now was Sirius at Fawley's sister's execution, though he doubted he would have been taken. Or would he? If his parents hated half-breeds so much, would they have dragged their young child to watch her head roll?

He vomited again, and a few tears splattered into the mess. Why did she have to tell him this?!

YOU HAVE BROUGHT ABSOLUTE SHAME ON THE BLACK FAMILY NAME! he could hear the Howler from the first morning echoing in his head. James saying 'that Black family', Sirius replying with 'unfortunately'.

He heard Fawley walk over. She knelt down pressing a hand gently against his back. "I didn't mean to upset you that much," she whispered then pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket, using a spell to dampen the cloth. "Here." He pressed the cool, damp cloth against his eyes for a few seconds then wiped his face off. Fawley rubbed his back as he did so. "Perhaps your friend is different from his family however... I just... wanted you to know. Before your friendship and bond with him developed even more."

_I'm not going to stop being friends with him_, he thought stubbornly. "What sh-should I do with the handkerchief?"

She tapped it with her wand, and the splotches disappeared. "You can keep it. Come on, let's get you some water."

She didn't want to pursue the lesson anymore but Remus was determined. They spent ten minutes trying to calm him down which didn't work. When Fawley went into his head, it was full of Sirius, memories of his smile, his laughter, his teasing flooding through Remus's head, into Fawley's.

"Again," Remus said a minute or so after the link was broken, the headache fading.

"Tomorrow's the full moon. You're tired, distracted, and distressed."

"Again." Then a tentative, "Please?"

He returned to his dorm twenty minutes before their lessons was slotted to end. He was still very shaky, and paler than he was before (and with the full moon coming the next day, he was already rather sickly looking). In the dorm his friends were playing a rowdy game of exploding snaps which they invited Remus to join but he just pawed in the wardrobe for his pajamas, trying not to cry again, not wanting to even _look_ at Sirius.

Part of him wanted to ask, _have you seen a werewolf execution? Your parents were probably there, were you_? He knew at this point Fawley-the-werewolf had been executed in 1965. Sirius would have been five years old. Had he been dragged there, forced to watch? Or would he have been spared the bloodshed?

"You feeling okay?" Sirius's voice just made Remus feel even worse.

"N--not really," Remus said, hugging his pajamas and bathroom toiletries to his body. "My m-mother's not doing well again... I'm really worried."

"Are you going to go see her?" James asked.

"Maybe," Remus said, still looking at the floor, still avoiding looking at Sirius. "I'll d--decide in the morning." He went to get a shower, a very hot shower, trying to scrub away the dirty feeling all over his body from everything that had been said that night. Then he sat on the floor, hugged his knees, and cried as he kept seeing a silver ax flashing, and a young Sirius watching.


	39. Chapter Thirty-Eight - Bloody Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for gore and body horror, the middle chunk of this chapter has some intense wounds as result of the full moon

It came to no surprise when Remus had nightmares that night. The first one was his own execution and all the audience resembled Sirius. He was there too, front row, looking around five years old. When the ax struck Remus's neck, he woke up with tears streaming down his face as he screamed. When a hand grabbed his arm, he lashed out, smacking hard against Sirius's face. The real Sirius, twelve, looking super anxious.

"DAMN IT!" Spinnet yelled, throwing a pillow across the room at Remus's bed.

"Sorry!" Remus wiped his face, apologizing for the screams as well as hitting Sirius. "Sorry, I d-d-didn't mean..."

"You sounded even worse than usual," Sirius said, hand still gripping Remus's arm even after being hit. Behind him stood James and Peter, both of them appearing to be worried too.

"Hopefully your return to Saint Mungo's this holiday helps stop the problem," Spinnet growled.

Sirius made a rude gesture in his direction then turned back to Remus. "I'll b-be okay," Remus said, pushing Sirius's hand off of him. "Sorry."

Finally his dormmates went back to their beds, back to sleep. Remus gave a look out the window at the nearly full moon, then curled back up, fighting off sleep until he couldn't anymore. Unfortunately... he had another nightmare, dragging him from sleep. Not with screams this time but loud pleas. "NO! NO! PLEASE! NO!" over and over and over. Spinnet was beyond furious, looking like he wanted to throttle Remus. Sirius stood between them while James actually got into Remus's bed, putting an arm around him in a protective manner. Peter hesitated then sat down on Remus's bed too.

Spinnet's eyes darted between the three of them, finally on Sirius. "He wakes me up one more time I am going to McGonagall."

"He can't help it," Struthers said and Spinnet looked a little betrayed but not enough to stop his threats.

"This is the second time _tonight_!" he snarled, pointing at Remus. "It's not normal. I have nightmares too, you bet I don't wake everyone up screaming like the room's on fire! None of you do! Only one of us wakes the rest of us up." His eyes raked over Remus accusingly. James's arm tightened a bit, as if he could protect Remus from Spinnet's words. "Lunatic."

"St-stop ca-c-c-calling me that," Remus sniffled. "Puh--p--please."

Spinnet just gaped at Remus who never stood up for himself like that before, as pathetic an attempt as it was. "Right." Spinnet was at loss for words now. "Er. Well. Once more, McGonagall. I swear I will."

Spinnet returned to his bed. Struthers was still watching Remus. "Are you all right?" he asked and Remus shrugged. He had nothing against Struthers, except for the fact he was Spinnet's friend. "Okay. Uh. Well. G'nite."

Once their curtains were shut, Sirius, James, and Peter finally turned their full attention to Remus. Sirius knelt on the bed at Remus's feet. He hated that all three of them were on his bed, glad that at least they were all on one side and not surrounding him because he knew he'd flip out if he felt caged in. He could feel the moon through the window, feel how round it was getting, how much it pulled at him. It shone down on Remus's bed, and also revealed a bruise on Sirius's cheek from where Remus had smacked him earlier. He felt incredibly guilty, also relieved that he hadn't scratched at Sirius or anything like that.

They sat with him for quite a while until one by one they returned to their own beds. Peter first, at two-fifteen, then James at two-twenty-five, and finally Sirius at two-forty, only leaving because Remus yawned, insisting he couldn't stay awake any longer which was a lie. He didn't return to sleep until about an hour later, and had _more_ nightmares though they were hazy and didn't bring any scream or shouts. He didn't wake up again until the alarms went off in the morning.

*

Remus dragged through his morning classes, feeling a little glad he didn't need to go to Defense. It let out before sunset, but only by a little over an hour which was too close for Pomfrey's liking. So after lunch he told his friends he couldn't wait any longer; he was simply too worried about his mother, and he was going to go home for a few days. They all wished his mother a speedy recovery and he thanked them before going up to his dorm, changing into regular clothes as well as making sure his bag was devoid of any school related stuff.

He was in the house a good three hours before the sun set and spent the time reading. When sunset came he put all his things away in the wardrobe upstairs then sat in the living room with a sheet wrapped around his body, waiting. Fearing it would be bad, not knowing just _how_ bad.

In the morning when his body returned to the small human form, he found the sheet ripped into unrecognizable rags, all soaked in blood. He just lay on the floor, staring at the lumpy wet fabric with rather foggy eyesight, trying to get the will to get cleaned up before Pomfrey arrived, trying to figure out why he couldn't see well; it was like he couldn't even see out of his left eye which was sending waves of pain crashing into his head. His entire body hurt but the pain in his face seemed to be the most vibrant.

He went in and out of consciousness as he struggled to pull his body along the floor, leaving streaks of blood behind. He only made it a couple feet--weaker than ever--before Pomfrey came through. Like always, he did his best to hide his nakedness, and as always she ignored his feeble protests as she cleaned him off and put bandages on his extensive wounds. Everything kept going black and sharp whenever she touched him. He wanted to scream. Just endlessly scream until his throat was raw however he mostly remained quiet except for the occasional grunt.

His left ankle had been chewed through so much you could see bone splintering out, making his foot was useless. Pomfrey wrapped multiple bandages around his ankle, being very careful not to jolt him too much. Then she summoned a stretcher, her face like stone.

"N--no, it's t-too obvious," he whimpered as she picked him up and set him on the cool fabric, the whiteness staining immediately.

"You can't put weight on your foot." Her voice was as stony as her face. Remus wondered if he had angered her with all the blood.

"B--but I can--hop on my other..." He couldn't even finish the sentence from how much he hurt. Pomfrey put bandages all over his battered body. He had some on his ribs, one around his right forearm, and several where he had gouged out deep scratches along his face which was possibly the worst wound on him today. It was difficult to say where the deep gouge going from forehead to cheek was worse than his chewed foot or not, as his wolf claws had ripped right into his own eye. Pomfrey had tried not to gasp at the sight of his mangled eye, as he didn't seem aware of how bad it was. She carefully placed an eye patch there, glad he didn't ask why.

Then he faded into black, the pain finally sucking him into oblivion.

*

Remus wasn't very healed up by the time he had to go back to the house. Winter months meant less daylight, less time for healing. His left foot and left eye were still useless as Pomfrey helped him across the grounds to the tunnel. He couldn't walk on his own so she had to take him all the way to the house. She expressed her displeasure at leaving him there alone and he just shrugged his thin shoulders.

"Nothing else th-that you c-can do," he said. "'Cept leave me here during the day."

Pomfrey glowered. "No," she said sharply. She helped him onto the couch and then just stared at this small, hurt boy, feeling tears threatening to trickle out. She was used to seeing injuries and illness, wild magical accidents that could turn even the steeliest of stomachs, but this was on the verge of too much for her. Before she knew what she was doing, she bent down, gently brushing some of Remus's hair back, tucking it behind his ear. His right eye looked up at her in bewilderment, his left one still behind a patch. When Pomfrey had checked it before they left, the sight of his half-formed, still-healing eyeball nearly made her sick, yet he hardly complained, only a few whimpers of pain belaying what was happening under his bandages.

"It's supposed to snow tonight, perhaps..." She trailed off then straightened up. "I'll see you in the morning, dear."

*

She did see him, however he couldn't see her. Though it took a while for him to transform, when he did the wolf raged to the point of destroying his own face. When his body melted and twisted back to human, he couldn't see anything. He had no way of knowing what had happened to his face, how horrible the scratches were, that both his eyes had been torn to shreds, how much blood was soaking the floor around him. His entire body felt beyond pain and each movement sent more fire through. He threw up, which hurt him even more, and he could taste the blood in his vomit.

He couldn't move, remaining still on the floor until Pomfrey came in. This time she couldn't hold back a scream. He didn't even care that he wasn't covering himself, because he couldn't _see_ to grab hold of anything. He remembered vaguely when he thought he'd rather be blind than a werewolf. He wasn't so sure now. Not being able to see filled him with fear and terror, having to trust Pomfrey's guiding hands as she moved him about, cleaned him up, did her best to cover the wounds. She knew if he didn't have the healing ability, he'd certainly be dead.

"Might... better... here..." he gagged out. "Won't... heal... before..."

She took him back to the school anyway, fussing over him, spending more time in his little room than usual. She fed him liquids to try to help him regain some blood but he mostly slept, fevered dreams full of blood sending him tossing and turning, which woke him up from the pain. Pomfrey knew it wouldn't help however she got some pain reducing potion into him. It didn't seem to do much of a difference. At one time she came in to see he had torn the bandages from his face and was crying bloody tears as his shaky fingers touched the jagged flesh around his gaping eye sockets.

Pomfrey had to carry him back to the house and he fell asleep as soon as she lay him down on the couch. She put a hospital blanket over him, watched him sleep for a few minutes, then left, hoping whatever was causing him to lash out so badly wouldn't return tonight.

*

Remus knew what caused this. Why this moon had been so awful. It was because of Fawley talking about her sister's execution, and it being on the forefront of his mind, the nightmares of his own execution, nightmares of betrayal and death. They had been plaguing him so they were swirling around in the wolf's head when he turned. The wolf didn't like it one bit. And the more in pain he was when he transformed, the more the wolf lashed out. It was a vicious cycle.

Plus since a lot of aching went on in his head, the wolf had clawed there quite a bit so when his human mind came to Remus didn't have eyes again, everything just black pain, and a small desire to just be dead already. If he were dead... this wouldn't be happening... Other than that the only other wound he could tell for sure was a great deep slash along his chest that started near the base of his neck that was the cause for him wheezing. But he couldn't see so he wasn't sure. It was just a sucking black void of agony.

If he had any hopes of leaving the hospital wing in the afternoon, they were dashed when he woke up at one still in absolute pain, unable to walk or even see. He tried. He slid his legs out of bed and then slowly--carefully--got up. His hands were stretched out, feeling for anything in front of him. Dizziness and pain overtook him sending him crashing to the floor. He lay there miserably, not saying anything when Pomfrey came in. He was silent as she tucked him back into bed, silent as she told him to stop being so stubborn.

After she left Remus sat up, running his fingers along his face, under the cloth covering his healing eyes. _If I don't push myself... if I don't try and overcome what it does to me... I'll just let it take over and I can't let that happen_.

*

Remus was allowed out on Sunday morning, most his wounds gone. He still had a few faded scars on his body that would smooth away throughout the day, still had a bit of a twinge in one leg, and his eyes hurt in the light (he also had a few very pale scars around his eyes which were fading decently well), but otherwise he was fine. He went up to the dorms, since Pomfrey kept him during breakfast, a little relieved none of his friends were around. Also curious as to where they were, which was slated when they met up at lunch finding them all rather damp from spending the morning outside in the snow.

"Remus!" Sirius was the first one to see him and ran over, tearing his toboggan off his head. James and Peter ran over too, all of them grinning. Sirius's grin faded a little when he noticed how deathly pale Remus looked, not sure whether to ask him about it or not.

Remus set his fork down, smiling at the lot of them. "Hullo," he said, studying the melting flakes on their scarves. "I d--didn't think it snowed that much..."

"Nah, it's barely dusting the ground," James said with great regret. "Hopefully it storms soon as we get plenty. I wanna start up a snowball fight. A real good one."

"Remy, could you turn the green to red?" Sirius asked, handing the hat over. "I got it over the summer when everyone assumed I'd be in Slytherin." It was black with green trim though the green looked a little puke-y from where Sirius had failed turning it red

Remus took the hat, twisting it in his hands. "You _can_ wear green, d--doesn't make you any less Gryffindor-y." But Sirius was frowning, giving him rather pathetic puppy dog eyes so Remus sighed, tapping at the hat until the green turned into bright scarlet. Pain throbbed from the small amount of effort, and he felt like he might throw up. His eyes especially were aching. It felt like someone squeezing them.

"Thanks!" Sirius grinned down at the new color and set it down, completely unaware of how much that had hurt his friend.

"How's your mum doing?" Peter asked which brought the mood of the other two boys down a little, both of them looking chagrined for not asking the question sooner; Sirius felt awful for just bursting right in with his magical request within minutes of seeing Remus again after his return from being with his ill mother.

"N... not great," Remus said, going back to his food. He felt so weak... he just wanted to go somewhere to sleep for a few hours. Or days. "A little better..."

"You're... really... pale," Sirius finally said.

"I barely g--got any sleep," Remus said casually, as if it didn't matter, as if he hadn't been in an ocean of suffering over the previous few days. He couldn't see twenty-four hours ago, now he had to fake being his normal self. It made him feel like on the edge of a cliff again, teetering over, about to fall. He even felt a sort of whoosh inside of him, dizziness starting to overtake him. The lights seemed too bright all of a sudden. He wanted to run, hide in the darkness, but had to appear normal. _Have to be_.

"You've got marks on your eyes," Sirius pushed on.

Remus tried not to grit his teeth. "Oh, I was running outside my house at one point and slipped and fell into some bushes."

"But it only scratched up your--"

Remus cut him off quickly. "The--the doctors say my mum should be a lot better by Christmas though, so that's good!" He put a big, cheery smile on his face, hoping the conversation would change.

"Glad to hear that," James said, patting Remus's back. "I can't _wait_ till Christmas." The embarrassment of not asking after Remus's mother disappeared as quickly as it had come, and his exuberance couldn't be suppressed. Which relieved him, since James now steered the conversation away from the marks on Remus's face. "I can't wait to refill my horrifyingly empty trunk with pranks again."

"I know!" Sirius whined then he peeked up at the teachers' table. Making sure nobody was looking, he flicked a tripping spell towards a Ravenclaw that just came in. She stumbled and knocked into a Hufflepuff sitting at the end of his table. Sirius, James, and Peter all snickered, Sirius quickly tucking his wand away. "It's just not the same as dropping a dungbomb on someone or filling someone's drink with belching powder."

"I'm hoping I can find some whizzing worms," James said. "Gambol and Japes were out when I visited in August."

"What's those do?" Peter asked.

"Dump'em in liquid and it bubbles up but instead of bubbles it's worms," James explained. Peter couldn't decide whether to look awed or grossed out, and his face settled into a weird sort of half-each state making him look more ill than anything else. Remus, who was about to take a drink of his bubbly cherry soda, made a face at the drink before setting it back down.

"What's with your obsession with worms?" Lily had come over as soon as she came into the Great Hall. "Cause they remind you of you?"

James quickly slid away from his spot next to Remus before Lily could shove him to the ground. Lily smirked, taking the empty seat. "Least this proves you _can_ learn. Even if your grades disagree." She turned to Remus, not noticing James making an ugly face at her, pulling at the skin below his eyes and sticking out his tongue. "It's good to see you back. Is your mother doing any better?" He told the same lie he told the others, and she gave him a hug, something he was still not used to. It made him feel awkward and uncomfortable. He had no idea where to put his arms. When his mother hugged him he wrapped his arms around her neck as gently as he could so he wouldn't hurt her, but putting his arms around Lily's neck didn't sound like it was the right thing, so he just sort of leaned against her until she let go. "I really hope she's better for Christmas," she said, pulling back.

"Thank you."

"I was wondering, who are you taking to the party?"

Remus tipped his head to one side. "What party?"

"Professor Slughorn's Christmas party? In twelve days?"

"Oh, I'm not going."

Lily's eyes went huge. "What? Why not? You _have_ to go!" She jerked round to glare at James, Sirius, and Peter. "Is this your doing?! Did you convince him not to?"

"No! I tried to talk him out of not going!" James protested. "It's all _his_ idea."

Remus poked at the rice on his plate, pushing the little grains around. "I'm not a--a party sort of person."

Lily grabbed hold of his sleeve. "But it's a Christmas party, and it's going to be fun and--and if you don't go then I won't either. It won't be any fun without you."

"You have other friends that are going," Remus said, resisting the urge to glance at the Slytherin table.

"Please? Oh, please go."

"Yes, let's go," Sirius suddenly said.

"I thought you wanted to just hang out in the dorm!" Remus accused.

Sirius shrugged, trying his best to appear innocent. "We _can_, just, well, Sluggy _did_ extend an invitation and it'd only be _polite_."

_I knew it, he does want to go_, Remus thought angrily. Then James was telling him he should, and Peter. All four of his friends giving him pleading faces and the guilt took over. He was still exhausted from the full moon and from healing, doubting that he had replenished all his lost blood. He just wanted them to stop _staring_ at him like that and the only way to do so was to give in, which he did. "Okay! Okay. F--fine, I'll--I'll go. And yes, you c-can be my plus one, Sirius."

Sirius pumped his fist before giving a high five to James. Lily beamed, letting go of his sweater. "Good! Well, not that _he's_ your plus one," she added with a disapproving scowl at Sirius who put his hands under his chin, fluttering his eyelashes at her. Lily snorted as she got up. "See you later."

As soon as she left, Sirius smacked Remus rather hard on the shoulder, sending him jerking forward almost into the table. A bit of light burst in his eyes from the shock wave of pain. "Thanks, Remy."

_Remy, still_. "Yeah, sure." Oh well. It was just for a short span of time, he didn't need to stay all night. He could withstand a crowded room for an hour or so without problem... right?


	40. Chapter Thirty-Nine - Andy and Siri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: If you would like any trigger warnings, information about sexualities or future pairings, or what will be divergent from canon please send me a PM I will be more than happy to notify you!

With the end-of-term exams coming up, Remus dove into his books more than usual. He was usually found in the library during his breaks, while after curfew saw him up in his dorm on the floor by his bed surrounded by all his schoolbooks, assignments, and the books he checked out at the library. Sirius joked he was building a fort with them when he walked in and found stacks of them in a semi-circle around him. Peter occasionally joined him, terrified he'd fail out of Hogwarts completely, but James and Sirius both swore up and down the exams weren't important, the only ones that actually mattered were the ones at the end of the school year.

Remus just rolled his eyes whenever they said this, and returned to his studying. He was mostly focusing on Defense Against the Dark Arts, going over everything for that class over and over and over again, trying to memorize every little detail, hoping Dedenne wouldn't fail him. He was pulling an average of A which was just passing. A for Acceptable. Only just barely, though. The lower end of class. The only one doing worse was Peter who occasionally surpassed Remus in grades. In fact, on Monday when Remus handed in an assignment that had been due on Wednesday, Dedenne just gave him a P out right for it being so late without even appearing to read it.

"If I'm--n-not here, should I g--give my homework to one of my friends to hand it in for me?" he asked her after class.

"That wouldn't be very fair, now, would it?" she asked, not even looking up.

Remus bit his tongue, trying his best not to argue. He wanted to shout at her, tell her he didn't _deserve_ a P. "I... can't help... some of it being late," he finally whispered.

Dedenne stiffened, flinching back just a tiny bit, so minute that most people wouldn't have noticed. But Remus did. "That's not my fault," she replied, voice dripping with disgust.

Remus stepped back, then took another step back. Then turned, leaving the classroom, nose itching, eyes prickling. Sirius, James, and Peter were waiting for him but he pushed past them as the tears came, running as fast as he could to the nearest bathroom. Instead of just sobbing, he gave in a little to his temper, first slamming the bathroom door shut so hard that the mirrors shuddered then kicking the wall. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_! He flung himself into a corner, jamming his fists against the floor, breathing heavily through the snot dripping from his nose.

They came in a moment later because of course they had to follow him. The first one to see him all hunched in the far corner was Peter, who hurried over and knelt down. "Remus? What happened?" he asked. The others joined him, worried expressions on all three faces which just made him feel even worse.

_Dedenne isn't being a good teacher_! he thought, clenching his teeth to stop the words from coming out. _It doesn't matter if she hates me, she should be FAIR_! "I... got a very bad grade..." he finally said, shifting so they weren't so close. "She gave me a P _just_ because it's late."

"But, you were visiting your sick mother," Sirius said, aghast. "Dumbles gave you permission to go, right?" Remus nodded and Sirius came even closer, sitting right next to him, his leg against Remus's leg. "Then she shouldn't..."

_I KNOW_! he wanted to yell. He just sucked in some air but something caught in his throat and he gave a hiccupy sort of sobby sound that he wished he hadn't made since now they were giving him pitying looks. He quickly wiped at his eyes. He shouldn't have said anything to them. He didn't want anyone to know how Dedenne treated him. Didn't want them seeing him throwing a baby fit. "It's stupid to be so upset, really. Just--"

"Not stupid," James cut in with a surprisingly dark voice. "Maybe you should talk to McGonagall?"

"No. No... I messed some other stuff up in the essay anyway," he lied. They definitely didn't buy it.

"You never mess up that sort of thing," Peter said, wriggling a bit. "You're the smartest one in the school."

"Let me see it," James said. No, commanded. He had an Authority sort of voice there.

Remus grabbed for his bag, yanking it close. He regretted saying anything, going down this rabbit hole. It led to a bad place, a possible reveal of the real reason she despised him. He just hoped he could pull himself away before pieces started being put together and someone yelled 'off with his head!'. "Just forget it."

"It can't be worse than mine," Peter pointed out.

Sirius reached and Remus jumped up, the bag swinging, accidentally whacking against Sirius. "I said forget it! I'm just being a baby." He looked so panicked it worried the other three. They exchanged glances, silently agreeing not to put any more pressure on their small friend. Remus nearly sighed with relief when they got up, apologizing for upsetting him.

*

Flying lessons the next day turned out better than Remus expected. A lot better. Hooch asked him if he felt all right to fly to which Remus replied no, and was allowed to sit out. He sat down on James's spread out cloak, the two of them watching everyone else. James glumly, Remus happily. _Maybe I can get out of next week's lesson_! he thought hopefully, as that would be the last one and he'd never have to get on a broom again in his life. James seemed to sense Remus's thought and said next year when he could bring his new broom, he'd give Remus proper lessons. _It's not the school broom_, but Remus didn't say anything in response. He watched Lily flying around. She was trying dives, similar to the one she made at the game the week before. Snape was watching her too, a smile on his face until he sensed he was being watched; when he spotted Remus the smile turned into a deep scowl.

Remus looked back at Lily who was flying higher than anyone else in the class then she dove down, pulling up last second, the end of her robe brushing against the grass. Hooch clapped, shouting encouragement.

"Oh sure, she shows off and it's all keen job!" James spat out.

"Because she's got permission to d-do that in today's class. While you didn't when you tried," Remus snickered.

"Tomato, tomahto."

It had been snowing when class started but now it began coming down harder so Hooch ended the class ten minutes early. Sirius and Peter landed with big grins on their faces, Sirius teasing James the entire way back to the castle. James grumbled and griped, shaking the dirt off the cloak they'd been sitting on. Once they reached the castle, in the courtyard, they found a much older Slytherin student waiting, her eyes locked on the four Gryffindors.

Remus felt a chill go down his spine as the girl unfolded her arms, walking right towards them. She looked very refined and haughty, her brown hair swept back in a beautiful, curly sort of bun without a wisp of hair out of place. Her Slytherin uniform was spotless, not a speck of dust anywhere, and especially not on her well-polished Prefects badge.

Remus hesitated, afraid that she had seen them tripping the Slytherins or any of the other things his friends had done, or perhaps she was related to Mulciber. But when the other boys noticed her, a great big grin spread on Sirius's face. He ran over, and the two of them actually _hugged_. As soon as they pulled apart, the girl began flicking off bits of dirt that had transferred from Sirius's robes to hers. At the start of school, his uniform had been as perfect as hers, but he had long given up trying to keep them clean.

"I don't think we've ever met," the girl said, smiling past Sirius, their arms still around each other. James, Peter, and Remus all just sort of stood there, confused. Slytherins weren't friends, yet Sirius was obviously chummy with her. A Slytherin _Prefect_! "James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin, correct?"

"Ye--yes," James said hesitantly while Peter and Remus tried not to look too weirded out at the situation.

"Guys, this is Andy!" The girl swatted at Sirius when he said this. "My cousin. My _favorite_ cousin," he added quickly.

"I told you to stop using that ridiculous nickname. It's _Andromeda_," she corrected.

"Actually, it's Dromeda," said another voice. A Hufflepuff came over, hands in his pockets, a cheeky grin on his face. He looked quite different from the Slytherin with splotches on his robes and his fair hair sticking out from the wind that hadn't seemed to touch Andromeda's hair. "Heya, Sirius, right? I don't think _we've_ met though Dromeda's told me _all_ about you." He offered his hand to a bewildered stare. Sirius looked at his cousin who nodded and only then did Sirius take the hand. "Edward Tonks," the Hufflepuff said. "Glad to finally meet you."

"Ted, I told you, I needed to speak with Sirius _privately_," Andromeda said a little harshly though the twinkle in her eyes gave away that she wasn't at all annoyed with him. "About the holidays."

"Just the holidays?" Tonks asked in a strange tone.

"_Yes_."

Sirius was turning his head, looking back and forth between his cousin and the Hufflepuff. "Who are you again?" Sirius asked.

"Ted Tonks," the Hufflepuff said then gave a rather anxious look to Andromeda who tightened her arm around Sirius's shoulder.

"Come with me for a moment, please." She guided Sirius away and Tonks let out a sort of huffy sound, shoving his hands back in his pockets, visibly annoyed.

"How come you're on first name basis with a Slytherin?" James asked.

His question and tone were both very rude, but Tonks just laughed. "Dromeda and I are old friends." Then he grinned, shocking them all by saying, "Slytherins aren't all that bad, you know."

Remus swept his gaze over to the two cousins. Even though they were a decent distance away, he could hear them. While James and Peter chatted with Tonks, Remus kept his head cocked to listen into Sirius and Andromeda.

"...ay here for the holidays," she was saying.

"I can't," Sirius answered back. Both their voices had become intense and tight. "Mother says I have to go home."

Andromeda's nostrils flared as she took in a deep breath. "I've been hearing all sorts of things from our cousins in Slytherin, and letters from the family. It's... not good."

"You think I don't know that?" Sirius snapped. Then he ran his fingers through his hair as he began pacing back and forth in front of her. "I'm not stupid! I--I know what's gonna happen but... I have to... you know I don't really have a choice in the matter. Even if I stay here for Christmas, I _have_ to go back in the summer. Putting it off will just make it worse."

Andromeda's face softened. "I know. I'm just concerned. Bella..."

"Merlin, don't start on her." Then Sirius stopped, looking back towards the group. Remus averted his gaze, hoping Sirius didn't notice he had been watching. "So, uh, who exactly is that?"

"Ted. A friend. A dear friend. Er... well... I'd appreciate it if you don't mention him to anyone." She folded her arms now, shoulders hunched. "He's Muggleborn."

Sirius made a sort of choking sound. "Andy--"

"Don't, all right?"

"But--"

"I know."

The two cousins stared at each other then suddenly Andromeda's arms flung out as she gave him another hug. She whispered something to him that not even Remus could hear then Sirius hugged her back. "I'll keep any secret for you," Sirius promised. She put her hand on his head, messing up his hair which resulted in him yelping and pulling back, complaining bitterly as he tried to smooth it back down. Remus remembered Sirius doing that to him when he had wished Sirius a happy birthday.

The two Blacks came back over, and Tonks and James's conversation faltered off. Tonks gave a curious look at Andromeda who rolled her eyes then gave a curt nod in return. Tonks looked at Sirius who winked which put a grin on the Hufflepuff's face. Remus was completely lost as to what was going on, but at least they all seemed more cheerful than Sirius and his cousin had been a moment before.

"I best be going," Andromeda said and gave the Gryffindors a smile. "It was nice meeting you. I'm glad Siri's got such good friends. I'll see you later, Ted." She swept off and Tonks watched her go before telling the Gryffindors goodbye as well, disappearing down a different corridor, whistling in a jolly manner.

Sirius knew what was coming. Sure enough, as soon as they were alone James bust up laughing. "SIRI!" he wheezed, slapping his thighs. "Brilliant!"

"Shut up, _Jimsy_!"

"Whatever you say, _Siri_!"

Peter looked a little put out. "I don't have a nickname though."

Sirius continued to glare at James who put an arm over Peter's shoulders. "Well, if he's Siri, and he's Remy, and I'm--"

"Jimsy," Sirius said.

"--Jim_my_," James said loudly, "then you can be Petey. Or just Pete, if you like, though we already use that."

"I'm _not_ Siri," Sirius hissed out. "Don't any of you dare call me that! Andy's batty, don't listen to her."

_I don't particularly want to be Remy_, Remus thought though he figured it'd be useless to protest. He had a feeling these nicknames would be sticking around for a while, if only to irritate Sirius.

"I don't mind Pete, or Petey," Peter said brightly, looking very pleased now that he had a nickname too. Remus suspected he'd be happy with any nickname, as long as he was part of the group.

*

Occlumency didn't go well that night. The memories were of his bloody, horrifying full moon, and when he saw his own body from an outside perspective he had to go throw up like the previous week, only more so. Fawley was distressed too, knowing it was partially her fault for what she had said. She wanted to end the lesson there and for once Remus didn't mind cutting it short. He didn't want to see anything else.

He spent the evening under his bed, curled up, wrapped in his blanket like a cocoon. He didn't even come out when Sirius found him there, trying to convince him to come out. He heard the pain in Remus's voice when he told Sirius to please just go away, and, after another frown, Sirius let him be.

Remus slept under his bed that night, craving the feeling of being shut in a small space even though he _knew_ it was partially because of the wolf, wanting a sort of den. Unfortunately it didn't make him feel safe enough. He had nightmares, waking the other boys up with his screams from seeing his bloodied, torn face. He screamed and thrashed, hitting the bottom of his bed, and had to be dragged out by James while Sirius went toe-to-toe with Spinnet who was actually pointing his wand at Remus as he made his threats.

"It isn't normal!" Spinnet said, wand quavering slightly. "Last week he woke us up twice! I'm going to McGonagall, end of story!"

"Please d-d-d-don't! Remus begged, clutching haphazardly at James.

"Leave him alone," Sirius growled, pushing up the sleeve of his pajamas like he was going to _hit_ Spinnet like a Muggle!

"Come on, everyone calm down," Struthers said, actually getting out of his bed. He normally stayed on his mattress however he could tell how furious Spinnet was tonight. He approached his friend, holding onto Spinnet's arm, trying to get him to lower his wand.

Remus tried to calm down but when he closed his eyes, all he saw was the memory of his eye sockets, the blood, the gore, the torn flesh around the gaping holes. He began shaking and sweating and crying. James gripped Remus's shoulders tightly, trying to talk to him but the words sounded fuzzy. When he opened his eyes again, instead of James's normal face he could see the empty sockets superimposed on James's face. He began screaming again, even more hysterically. He pushed James away rather hard, scrambling back, voice tearing through the dorm.

_Not normal not normal need to act normal just act NORMAL_! his brain tried its best to say through the panic and he began gulping in breaths, trying his best to calm down, to appear human. Except James's face still looked bloody and destroyed, eye sockets full of pulpy gore, blood dripping down his cheeks. "No--please--no--can't--please--" Remus sobbed, covering his face, fingers digging in, almost like he'd rip his eyes out again to get rid of the vision. His nails dug into his flesh around his eyes, half tempted to do just that.

"Petrificus totalus!" Spinnet snarled, hitting Remus with the spell however aside from a momentary shuddery sort of feeling in his stomach, nothing happened. At least, nothing happened from the spell. The effect on everyone else, however...

James began yelling furiously, Peter shouted shocked protests, Struthers gasped loudly, while Sirius roared, "YOU--!" Then he tackled Spinnet. "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO HEX HIM?!"

"GET OFF OF ME, BLACK! GET _OFF_!"

"Stop! Please!" Peter said, hopping up and down, clutching at his hair. "No! Not good!"

Then the door swung open revealing a second year boy, the same that had come by before. The sudden appearance of another student caused Sirius and Spinnet to stop, mid-fight. "I'm getting a prefect," the boy said once he took in what was going on in the room.

"No--please--" Remus begged but the second year was gone. "No...!"

"This is _your_ fault you _freak_!" Spinnet said to Remus, shoving Sirius off of him.

Sirius backed off though his fingers twitched like he wanted to get back into the brawl. "You're the one that hexed him! Or tried to."

It was all a big mess!! McGonagall was gonna get involved and Remus was going to get into so much trouble. He was causing _problems_. Because of his _curse_. They'd probably just expel him. _Maybe it's for the best_, Remus thought, seeing the hatred on Spinnet's face. _I don't belong here_.

Then Spinnet said what was on Remus's mind. "You don't belong here, you freak! You belong in Saint Mungo's!" He ignored everyone (except Remus) demanding he stop, even Struthers telling him to shut up. If Remus wasn't crying already he would be now. His sobbing became louder. James stopped talking to Spinnet so he could focus on hugging Remus tightly. "You're nothing but a CRACKED CAULDRON!" Spinnet lunged but Struthers held him back. Peter was holding Sirius back now, though not doing a very good job.

The second year came back along with a prefect who was busy tying the cord of his night robe. "What's going on, then?" the prefect asked, blinking sleepily at the first years.

"Nothing," James said before anyone else could. He stood up, a look of authority all over his young face. "Remus had a nightmare, that's all. He was shouting and we were just concerned about it."

"Those two were fighting," the second year said, pointing at Sirius and Spinnet.

"Go back to bed, Longbottom; thank you for fetching me." The second year peered back into the dorm then left. The prefect eyed the two boys then Remus on the floor (who was still shaking and glistening with sweat though thankfully managed to stop crying though he knew there were tracks of tears down his cheeks). "Are you all right?" he asked Remus who nodded back though he really wasn't, unsure if he would be ever again. "Well. It's past midnight, and I don't appreciate Gryffindors causing a ruckus. Five points from you and you," he waved his hand at Sirius and Spinnet, "and if I'm called back again you'll have worse, from Professor McGonagall. Do you need to go to the hospital wing?" he asked Remus. "No? Very well." He cast a disapproving look at the lot of them then left the dorm room, his footsteps fading away.

Spinnet gave a disgusted sound, picking up his wand. He pointed it at Remus again, however didn't try any spell. "You need to cut this out, psychopath." Then he stomped back to his bed.

Remus shrank a little, wrapping his arms around his knees, pressing his face down into them. He wanted to thank James for getting rid of the prefect, for taking control of the situation, but couldn't speak. Didn't _dare_ speak.

"You sure you're okay?" It was actually Struthers, kneeling down next to Remus. When Remus barely managed a nod, Struthers's forehead wrinkled. "Um. Are there... magic doctors that can help you? My--my uncle was--well, he needed a doctor to help him. Muggle, I mean, but it helped. A, um... you know, one for the mind--"

Sirius grabbed Struthers, yanking him to his feet. "He's not crazy."

To Sirius's surprise, Remus got to his feet. Shaky and swaying, but on his feet. "Let go of him, he's just trying to help!" Sirius immediately released Struthers who backed away. "Th--thank you," Remus said to Struthers, "I'll be all right." Struthers licked his lips nervously, glancing at Sirius then back at Remus before he nodded and went back to bed. Remus gave Sirius a bit of a glare. "He didn't c-call me crazy," he whispered. "Spinnet did. Struthers w--was just..." But now the words were leaving him, he couldn't anymore, and just stumbled back, sitting down on the edge of his bed.

Peter was afraid Sirius would tackle him however he needed to say it. "Maybe you should go to Pomfrey?" Then whimpered when Sirius's shoulders tensed. Sirius, though, remained where he was.

"Maybe," Remus mumbled, humiliated, hating himself even more, wishing he could disappear forever. "Sorry." He couldn't ever apologize enough. "S--sorry. Again. I..."

"It's fine," James promised.

Though after they all returned to bed and Remus curled up behind his curtains, he could hear Sirius and James stay awake for a while, eventually talking. About him. James wondered if Remus did have a mental problem which sent a wave of nausea through him. Sirius replied that whether he did or not, it didn't change anything. James replied that yeah Sirius was right it wouldn't but he was just worried about Remus because who had nightmares that bad for no reason?

After a long stretch of silence Sirius answered with, "Dunno but I'm worried about him too. Did he hurt you when he pushed you?"

Remus held his breath. "A little," James said, sending Remus's heart sinking. "But, I mean, I'm not mad cause..." Now his voice dropped even more to a barely audible whisper even for Remus. "He wasn't really in his right mind, was he?"

A second passed then another, a third, then Sirius whispered back, "I don't think he was..."

Remus rolled over, pulling the blanket up, trying not to cry again.


	41. Chapter Forty - The Most Gryffindor

Spinnet wasn't in the dorm the next morning, and was late coming to breakfast... as was McGonagall. They came into the Great Hall roughly around the same time. Remus stared at his breakfast, having a feeling he knew why. He spent Charms distracted, and Herbology feeling nauseous, poking seeds down into the dirt, barely aware of Sirius and James goofing off, or of Peter constantly whispering to Remus, 'am I doing this right?'. He drifted after the three of them back to the castle for lunch, already prepared for McGonagall who was, indeed, waiting for him outside the Great Hall.

Sirius, James, and Peter hesitated when McGonagall said she needed to speak to Remus, then they gave him encouraging looks. Remus silently followed McGonagall into the side chamber near the Great Hall. He wasn't sure what was going to happen except most likely expulsion. He was causing problems with the other students, waking them up, there was no way he should be staying. _I hope I get to at least say goodbye to my friends_, he thought as he sat down, setting his bag in his lap so he had something to mess with nervously, fingers tugging at the strap as he waited.

"Mr. Spinnet came to me this morning," McGonagall started gently. Remus just stared down at his bag. "He says you've been having nightmares often which cause you to... scream...? And wake the dorm up?"

"Yes, P-Professor," he mumbled, hunching over even more.

"Do you sleep walk?"

The question took him entirely by surprise and he just stared at her with an open mouth. "Uh? No? I... d--don't think so, at least."

McGonagall sat down, removing her large pointy hat, setting it beside her. "What kind of nightmares are you having? Do you remember them?"

"Usually... they're--th--they're connected to... to..." He waved his hand rather helplessly as a way of indicating his lycanthropy. "S-sometimes I'm attacking someone, or--or I'm b-being killed." His nose began itching though he managed to stop the tears before they started. He felt humiliated to be mentioning this, telling someone, baring his evil side; it was the same feeling he got when Pomfrey saw the bloody, gory mess, and now when Ms. Fawley saw his full moon memories.

"I see. Are you still asleep when you begin screaming?"

"Sometimes. Sort of? I--I mean, I wake up screaming. So... I s--suppose so?"

"Did you have them at home?"

Remus began twisting the strap of his bag nervously. "Y--yes. I--I'm s-s-sorry I guess we d-d-d-didn't think to mention--"

McGonagall held up her hand swiftly. "No, that's not what I meant. I just wanted to know whether it was a recent development or not. I wanted to make sure it didn't start when you came to Hogwarts."

"No, ma'am. I--I'm sorry about this... I am, I didn't... I don't..."

McGonagall's eyes softened at how fearful he sounded. "You're not in trouble, if that's what you think. You cannot control your nightmares."

"Th... that's what Sirius keeps telling Spinnet," Remus mumbled.

"He's right. Now, just so I know which options we have before us to help things, you _don't_ know beforehand when you will have nightmares, correct? They're not... the same nights?"

"No. Usually they happen after--the full moon but--not always.... Sometimes they're t-triggered by things said but I never know what will," Remus said, words tumbling out. "Like one night I had a really bad one when--when Sirius told me he wasn't going to bite, you know, joking about me being so, er, terrified, and anyway that night I had--had one of... me... you know... b... biting..."

McGonagall nodded as he spoke and when he finally finished (cheeks flushed with his confession) she cleared her throat. "That means dreamless sleep potion is out of the question, though I doubt it would have worked for you anyway."

"It--it doesn't," he admitted. "M--my father's tried that on me before, when--when I was a bit younger."

"I think... the _best_ course of action... is to put some spells on your beds," she said, looking at the far wall as she thought. "A spell to absorb some sound. It won't completely silence outside the curtains, however if we put the spells on your curtains as well as theirs, enough sound should be absorbed that they aren't awakened."

Remus sat up straight then leaned forward, right at the edge of the seat. "That's a possibility? I--I was looking up silencing spells but because it's just curtains I didn't think they'd work."

"They wouldn't," McGonagall agreed, "unless you're an expert. Professor Flitwick could easily do such a thing however I do not want to completely silence a student's bed anyway. I believe all six of you are going home for the holidays, so Albus, Filius, and I will do some experiments on the beds over the holidays. To find out what works best."

"Wh--what if I have a nightmare in the mean time?" he asked.

McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"I--I don't want to wake them up..."

"They'll simply have to deal with it, and if they have any complaints they can come to me," she said, a hint of ferocity in her voice that both frightened Remus and made him feel better since it meant how much on his side she was about this.

"I don't want to cause problems..."

"You _aren't_," she said so sternly that he shrank back. "It isn't your fault." Her hand twitched a little as she debated whether or not to do it, then she settled her hand on his shoulder. "You've been subjected to more than any child should ever go through... more than any_ adult_ should ever go through. Frankly, I am amazed you do not have nightmares _every_ night, that you're able to get through the days like you do when many would simply give up. You're a very brave wizard, Remus." Her eyes locked onto his, and he felt his breath catch in his throat as she said, "The most Gryffindor student I've had in a long time."

*

That evening after curfew, McGonagall came into the common room. Everyone stared at her, expecting bad news or something, however all she said was for the first year boys to please follow her as she went up the boys' staircase. There was a lot of whispering as the six boys headed up as well, and the general consensus of the common room was that Sirius and James had done something _big_, though that didn't explain why she needed to see _all_ of them.

James and Sirius seemed to be thinking the same thing because as soon as they were all in the dorm, James went, "Professor, we didn't _do_ it!"

"And what, pray tell, is 'it'?" McGonagall inquired.

"Whatever you're gonna yell at us for," James said.

"I wasn't going to yell at any of you however if there's anything you wish to confess..." She trailed off, waiting. "No? As I thought. No, I am here because Mr. Spinnet spoke to me today about Mr. Lupin's nightmares--"

"Traitor!" Sirius snarled, jerking towards Spinnet.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall warned. He stopped, skulking back to James's side. "I also spoke with Mr. Lupin about what we should do, as well as Albus, and we've come to a decision." Sirius looked askance at Remus who kept his chin up. McGonagall explained about the sound absorbing spells they'll be working out over the holidays which was well recieved by at least Spinnet who smiled until she added that if there were any nightmares in the mean time she hoped that nobody would cause any trouble for Remus. She also spoke briefly about how nightmares are most certainly not any indication of a person's mental state. She said that last bit with a severe look at Spinnet.

"I hope this resolves the 'problem', and wanted to make sure all of you were in agreement." Everyone chimed in with yeses, except for Sirius. McGonagall looked at him. "Mr. Black?"

He frowned, stepping forward. "Can I talk to you a minute, Professor? Alone? In the hall?" McGonagall hid her surprise fairly well and then left with Sirius, the door shutting behind them. They were whispering but Remus's ears easily picked it up. "I don't want the spell on my bed."

"How come?"

"Because if he has nightmares I want to wake up."

"You... want to be awoken by his screams?"

"N--no! I mean yes. I mean... I don't want him to be screaming but if he does, I want to wake up."

"Why is that?"

Silence except for a sort of shuffling sound. "He--he should... have... someone there for him." Sirius sounded very awkward and embarrassed. "When he wakes up."

"I see."

"I... I used to have some nightmares too so... I mean, I don't know what kind of nightmares he has but--well, I mean..." Sirius began sputtering, losing track of what he should say. He had been trying to sound grown up, and was failing completely.

"I understand, Mr. Black. And I think it is very kind of you to do this. Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes."

"Very well. If you change your mind, please let me know so we can charm your bed curtains as well."

They came back into the room, Sirius looking rather uneasy and restless. He kept running his fingers through his hair, avoiding both James and Peter's curious gazes. Remus pretended like he hadn't heard everything they said however his cheeks were a little pink, and he felt grouchy. They were doing this so he _wouldn't_ wake anyone up. He didn't _want_ to wake anyone up! He didn't need anyone there for him. He figured after the first time it happened he could probably convince Sirius to get the spell done.

Once McGonagall left, Sirius spun to face Spinnet again, growling out, "You are a traitor."

"Everything's going to be sorted," Spinnet answered. "Loopy won't be bothering us anymore."

"You heard her, he's not crazy, so stop calling him that!" Sirius said and Remus couldn't help but think, _You hypocrite, you said I was last night, to James; at least, out of my mind which is the same thing. _Wasn't it?

Spinnet opened his mouth like he might argue but then Struthers grabbed his arm. "Come on, let's go back down to the common room." And he pulled him out before a fight could start.

"Whatcha need to talk to McGonagall about?" James inquired.

Sirius glanced at Remus then quickly away. "Nothing. I'll tell you later."

*

Remus was _very_ anxious that he'd have another nightmare before the holidays, which was only made worse as he began worrying that his worrying would trigger another nightmare. After Astronomy that night it took him ages to finally drift into sleep, and he woke up when the alarms went off feeling extremely relieved he hadn't (though very tired from only a couple hours of sleep). Despite his exhaustion, it took ages for him to get to sleep Thursday night, but on Friday he fell asleep almost the second he hit the pillow. During these times he did have scary dreams though they were the ones that were good to him, not tearing him out of sleep, not causing screaming.

Things were tenser than before with Spinnet, as Sirius now considered him an absolute traitor, going out of his way to 'prank' him, in Sirius's words; 'bully' was the one Remus used. Spinnet found himself tripping all the time and eventually figured out Sirius was the cause resulting in a loud argument. He found worms in his bed again, then mice. One day found his sneezing rose petals, another day he was bit by a Fanged Frisbee hidden in his dresser drawer. In History on Thursday, during Spinnet's usual nap, Sirius levitated Spinnet's pot of ink, dumping it down his back. He didn't notice until Struthers pointed out Spinnet had ink all over the back of his neck well after class ended. On Friday, Sirius used the very last of his itching powder in Spinnet's shoes so Spinnet spent Charms very twitchy, trying to scratch his feet from where the powder filtered through his socks.

At breakfast on Saturday, Sirius somehow snuck very hot sauce into Spinnet's eggs. Remus had had it at that point and begged Sirius to stop. "He's a twat," Sirius said, watching with wicked pleasure as Spinnet fanned his mouth, tears down his cheeks, trying to find some milk to drink.

"You keep that up and I won't tell you the idea I had for our bat-bogey hex, to make it even more epic."

That got Sirius's attention, as well as James and Peter. "What is it?!" Peter demanded.

Remus shook his head. "I'll tell you guys _after_ the holidays, and only _if_ Sirius stops bullying Spinnet."

"He called you--"

"I don't care, you've done enough."

Sirius pursed his lips and then huffed. "Fine."

James leaned in close. "Will you tell me?"

"After we get back," Remus said. James sat back with a pout.

Truth was, he _did_ have an idea, he just couldn't be sure if it would work, and wanted time to work out the details. It'd involve very advanced magic... magic they wouldn't be learning until much later, if at all. He also needed to find the spell, planning on spending that day doing some research in the library between studying for the next week. If it didn't work out he'd have to come up with something else to make it more epic but he had nothing, so...

_I just hope I can get this figured out_, Remus thought, noticing how excited his friends were now.

*

Even though Remus had dismissed Sirius and James insisting these exams didn't matter, he wasn't as panicked or worried as some of the others in the study group (mostly Craft and Twycross). He knew he'd do well in most the classes, the only two he wasn't so sure about--three, the only three he wasn't sure about were Potions, Defense, and Flying. However he doubted Flying was even that important so it didn't give him any anxiety. The other two though...

_I think I can do decently enough with written stuff in Potions_, he thought on Sunday evening as he did his best to tune out James and Sirius jumping on Spinnet's bed. _But Dedenne is why I'm not doing well in Defense so I don't know_.

As it turned out the exams really weren't as intense or as bad as Remus had expected, though they weren't as easy and simple as James had promised they would be. Flying wasn't even all that bad, as it wasn't a proper exam, their grading didn't matter, and Hooch allowed Remus to only take the first few parts, letting him sit out the trickier sections, as he allowed her to think the incident with Mulciber had left him too traumatized to fly.

The worst one was Potions, as they had to individually make a cure for boils potion. Remus did his best though it didn't help during the entire time he could hear his friends snickering and James kept shooting looks over his shoulder towards Mulciber and Avery, remembering the balloons. Once they were all finished Slughorn waddled around the exam all the potions. He gave a dismayed sigh over Remus's mess.

"I don't even know how you managed this one, Mr. Lupin," he said, spooning up some of the thick, jelly-like substance and then letting it gloop back down into the cauldron. "Hopefully the written portion will make up for this, as this potion is a D."

Remus chewed at the inside of his cheek to stop himself from tearing up yet again; since the potion had used the onions he had been dripping tears half the class anyway.

"You're even worse than Pathetic-grew!" Avery laughed after class, pushing past Remus who kept silence. Peter had gotten an A, a passing grade. Remus couldn't even manage _that_. Then again Peter hadn't been on the verge of puking while he made the potion, or coughing and choking and trying to ignore the violent scents. He supposed at least it wasn't a Troll grade...

"Really, that wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be," Lily said on Friday after their Herbology exam, their last exam (though they still had one more Defense class to go to).

"At least we know what--what to expect from now on," Remus pointed out. She smiled, bumping him lightly.

"You're still coming to the party tonight, right? We should go down together."

"Y...yeah... though I'll p-probably be going down with the boys," Remus said and Lily wrinkled her nose. "Who are you taking?"

"Cassie," Lily replied. "Alice didn't want to go, plus since that Bogwell might be there Cassie really wants to go. She's really into Quidditch. You're bringing Black, aren't you?" She looked like she had just sucked on a lemon as she asked that.

"Yes, and James is bringing Peter. Is, er, Snape coming?"

"As far as I know... Why?" She looked at him curiously but he didn't respond. Then it dawned on her. "You don't think they'll do anything to him, do you?"

"Probably not, not at a p-party, plus if they go for anyone it'd probably be Avery," Remus said, reasoning more with himself than her.

That evening it took all of a couple minutes for Remus to figure out what to wear. He only had one top that would do for a 'dress nicely' invitation: a simple v-neck grey jumper. It was fairly new so no signs of rattiness, though because it was so new it was also too big on him. He put that over his school button-up and trousers, then felt a little ill when he saw the others. James was wearing very crisp khaki slacks as well as a fancy red jacket, while Sirius wore his usual black clothes but he had put a set of very silky-looking black robes over, that practically floated as he walked. At least Peter was just wearing a regular top too with no sign of a jacket or robes so Remus didn't feel _completely_ out of place, though Peter's clothes fit him and his trousers weren't part of the uniform. Remus tugged at the sleeve of his jumper, hoping nobody else would realize that that's what his pants were, knowing perfectly well they would.

Down in the common room, Lily and Inkwood were waiting. Lily apprehensively, Inkwood with impatience. Lily looked very pretty in a green dress and white sweater, a green ribbon holding back her curled hair. She walked quickly over to Remus, shooting a glare at the boys as if daring them to stop her from going down to the dungeons with them. James made a face, but didn't say anything.

"I'm excited to see what this is like," Lily chattered as they made their way through the school.

"Probably full of stuffy coots and a lot of..." Here James put on a very posh, affected sort of droning voice, "Oh _hullo_ooo Mr. Black, _Iiii_ have a witty _Ministry_ story that's simply _oodles_ of laughs."

"Did you _read_ that _article_ in the _paper_ yesterday?" Sirius replied, in a nasally tone. "It was about that _event_ that happened."

"With those _people_?"

"Yes, _that_ one."

"Well I simply must _dash_ and rub elbows with someone else." The two boys dissolved into giggles. "That's about how these sorts of things go anyway," James told Lily in his normal voice.

"Oh, like _you've_ been to fancy parties," Lily sneered.

James pointed at himself. "I'm a rich pureblood. Of course I have. Hobnobbed with the best of'em."

"Yet you still haven't learned any manners?" Lily asked in a fake shocked tone. James just blew a loud raspberry at her and she squealed, ducking behind Remus so the spittle wouldn't get on her. "You're disgusting."

"I hope I don't make a total fool of myself," Peter whined.

"S-s-same here," Remus managed to get out and gave Peter a hopefully reassuring smile.

All too soon they were heading down into the dungeons. There were other students going that way, all of them in fancy clothes or robes, making Remus and Peter feel even more out of place. Lily slid her arm through Remus's arm and squeezed. Even though she looked very pretty (in Remus's opinion, at least) she was terrified.

"I wonder how many other Muggleborns will be here," she whispered for Remus's ear only, revealing the reason for her terror.

James and Sirius burst through the doors without a seconds thought, Inkwood following excitedly, and then finally the three others, all with rather shaky knees.


	42. Chapter Forty-One - Slytherins Are Terrifying

Whatever Remus had been expecting, it wasn't what he went into. First of all, there were more adults there than he thought there would be, which made him extra nervous. The potions classroom had been overhauled completely, desks, chairs, everything had been spirited away, and it was now decorated in loads of green and gold. There were what looked to be Christmas tree baubles floating around near the ceiling, giving off twinkling lights, as well as smaller lights flickering about that Remus realized were faeries. There was tinkling Christmas playing from somewhere while house-elves scurried about carrying full platters or trays with drinks.

The six Gryffindors just sort of stood there for a minute until Slughorn came over, motioning for them to come in farther. "Mr. Potter! Miss Evans! Mr. Lupin! Excellent, excellent, so _glad_ you could make it!" He didn't even say hello to the other three. "Help yourself to any of the snacks, and I've got a variety of drinks for my younger students; also, if you're looking for someone in specific..."

Slughorn put a meaty hand on James's shoulder, turning him so they could see a young, muscular man surrounded by a knot of female students, all of them hanging on his every word as he talked about Quidditch, boasting about some of the things he'd done. There were a few boys around as well, and James and Inkwood both joined the ranks, gaping up at the guy like he was a god. Sirius and Peter also ogled him with amazement.

Remus soon grew very bored of the sports talk so he and Lily backed away a little, planning on just talking to one another in a corner however they were interrupted by Snape making his appearance.

"Lily!" Snape's eyes glittered as he saw her. "You look... really nice..."

"Thank you, Severus," Lily replied, beaming. "You do too!"

Snape shuffled a little bit, ducking his head, brushing off his robes. They were fancy once, but were now rather old and faded and a little torn at the hem. The elbows were frayed, too. "Thanks," he muttered then glared at Remus, almost accusatory. "Least I had something else to wear besides the uniform."

Remus blushed while Lily took a step forward. "Please don't. You're both my fr--"

"HEY!" James and Sirius had finally torn their attention away from the Quidditch player to make their way over. "It's Snape! Wow, Snape, you look considerably less greasy! Finally get that shower, eh?" James said. Now Snape blushed, his sallow cheeks changing color.

"Don't be so rude!" Lily snapped.

"He can't help it, it's his nature," Snape sneered.

"Rather have a rude nature than a slimy one," James replied immediately.

"Come on Lily," Snape said, turning to go. "Let's chat where we've got breathing room; Potter's ego is taking up too much room here."

Lily hesitated then glanced at Remus who shrugged. He didn't care if she went off with Snape. She smiled, gave his arm a pat, then followed Snape to a corner of the room.

"What's he doing, calling her that?" James asked, watching them go.

"She went with him too," Sirius added.

"They sit together in Potions a lot," Peter reminded them.

"What's all that about, then?" James demanded.

"They're friends." Inkwood came over, a plate of snacks in one hand. "Didn't you know?"

James and Sirius stared at Inkwood then looked back over where Lily and Snape both looked happy to be in deep conversation with each other. "_Ewww_!" James finally breathed out. "Why?!"

"That makes no sense whatsoever," Sirius said, folding his arms. "A Slytherin would _never_ be friends with a Muggleborn."

"Your cousin is," Remus couldn't help but say, very quietly so only Sirius could hear him.

"Th--that's different!" Sirius spluttered, very upset at the comparison between his beloved cousin and _Snape_. "Andy's neat. Snape's a git."

"Wait!" James grabbed Remus's arm rather roughly. "Did you know about this?"

"Yes," he replied coolly.

"You never told us!"

"It wasn't m-mine to tell." At that Inkwood suddenly looked sheepish, not even thinking about it possibly being a secret.

James and Sirius continued to glare until Peter tugged at James's sleeve, suggesting they get food. He managed to get them away from their brooding by taking them over to some house-elves. All four of them got some plates, and Sirius tried to snag an alcoholic beverage but the house-elf disappeared with a crack right when Sirius's fingers touched the glass, his hand remaining empty. Sirius grumbled and settled for the fruity punch another house-elf offered.

They huddled at the edge of the room, nibbling on food and watching everyone else interact. The others seemed to be fairly entertained however Remus felt awful. His stomach hurt, his head hurt, somehow--he wasn't quite sure how--but his _skin_ hurt. It was loud, crowded, smelly, and he wanted nothing more than to go back to his dorm, especially with all the _adults_ here, some of whom could easily be working for the Ministry against werewolves, able to recognize them.

A lot of the students were older, too, although there weren't many. Most the guests were graduated. There were a couple of students probably between the second and fourth years, then several that were fifth and up. They walked about as if they had been doing this for ages which, Remus realized, was likely; they probably had been terrified first years hanging out at the edges one time.

"I think I'm g-g-going to go back to the dorm now," Remus said, the discomfort finally getting to be too much.

"What? It's not even eight-twenty!" Sirius protested.

Remus raised his eyebrows. It hadn't even been twenty minutes? It'd felt like two hours already, at the least! "Well, all we're doing is standing here, and the only th-thing _to_ do is... is..." He surveyed the room with disgust, not able to think of a good word.

"Hobnob?" James suggested causing Remus to snort.

"Wow, you really don't like parties, do you?" Peter asked.

Remus folded his arms, hunching his shoulders. "I don't like people," he muttered without even thinking, and his friends stared openly at him. He swallowed, trying his hardest to keep his voice from shaking. His insides were all over the place, his brain felt like it was being squashed. "You know I w-was never around p-people much g-g-growing up. Makes me... a bit edgy."

"Right, forgot about that," Sirius said, brushing his hair back from his eyes. "You wanna go, then?"

"I can go by myself, you d-don't need to go too."

Sirius shrugged, twisting the stem of a goblet round in his fingers, pretending like he didn't care when he obviously did. "I'm your invite."

_Ah right_. "We'll st-stay a while then."

Sirius did his best to hide the brightness that leaped into his eyes. "You positive?"

"Yes," Remus lied, forcing a smile. He pushed himself against the wall and stayed there while the others dove into the crowd to mingle some more. At some point Lily came over to see how he was doing, and she was having a terrific time, really enjoying herself. Apparently one of the guests was a famous herbologist who happened to be Muggleborn, so Lily really enjoyed chatting with her.

Time stretched on, the clock barely moving. He ate more snacks, drank more punch, and tried to avoid people (older guests who were curious about the newbies). His vision began getting a bit swimmy, his skin hurt even more. It felt like something scraping against him, like nails or like he was rubbing up against stone or something. He had scraping in his brain too which didn't make sense. The voices--all far too loud--mingled together, a cacophony of pain in his ears. He teetered on the edge of _something_, he just wasn't sure what. He doubted it would be good if he gave in. He thought he might _scream_ or start throwing things.

Some elegant woman came up to him, saying something. It was distant, distorted. He just stared up at her. Her red lips twisted into a frown. She said something that might be 'are you all right' but he wasn't sure, it just felt like the words weren't words but weights coming out of her mouth to sit on his shoulders. He couldn't breathe. He was dimly aware that he was shaking quite hard. Red fingernails came towards him. They looked like blood.

Someone must have put a spell on him because suddenly the edges of his vision were going dark and it felt like he was being squeezed through a tiny tube. Sweat poured down, soaking into his clothes. The bloody fingernails touched him. It was all he could do not to shout in horror. The sound froze in his throat as he fought to keep it down. He wanted to apologize but knew if he opened his mouth the scream would come out. Or vomit. So he just pushed away from her, desperate to get away, desperate to get away from the scraping, the squeezing, the dizziness, the _everything_.

"Why! I never! Kids these days have no manners whatsoever, why I need to speak to Horace about this, he certainly doesn't want anyone so _rude_ ruining the Slug Club's good name...!"

Remus staggered through the crowd, his vision getting worse. He banged into someone. They held onto him. He jerked, then relaxed. It was Peter. Saying something. His voice came from some great depths that lost its sense when they reached Remus's ears. "Loo," Remus managed to gasp out then took off. Once in the cold hallway he took in several gulps of air, shakily crashing into a wall, a tear dripping down his cheek as he clutched his stomach. He still felt hot, crawly, scraping, itchy, sick, dizzy, squeezed, and terrified but it wasn't quite as bad--

The music got louder as someone came out of the room, and Remus turned to see Lily. She wanted to know if he was leaving the party. He nodded, telling her the same thing he had said to the others: it made him edgy being around people. His fingers were twitching against the fabric of his sleeves. He knew if he could touch his skin he'd be scratching, digging in, trying to stop the scraping feeling. Probably tearing up his own flesh. As a human.

The worst part was part of him wanted to.

"I understand," she said. "Thanks for coming anyway. Sorry we didn't get to spend much time together... I was hoping it was the sort of party with dancing, honestly."

"D...ancing?" He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to escape.

"Yes. You know. Like, boys and girls dancing to the music? That's really why I wanted you to be there."

Remus gulped. "You... wanted... to d-dance with me?" That just strengthened all the horrible feelings, especially the scraping one.

Lily gave a slight shrug. "Severus would never annnd I didn't want to be a wallflower." A light blush rose in her cheeks. "But since it wasn't that sort of party, I guess I was worried for nothing. I'll see you on the train tomorrow? I'll give you this here, so I don't embarrass you in front of your friends." She took the few steps towards him, putting her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He did nearly scream then, the touch against his skin feeling worse than knives. He wanted to shove her away. It took _all_ his ability to keep himself from doing so. "I know they tease you when I hug you cause they're idiots." She let go, stepping back. "See you tomorrow." She turned, disappearing back into the classroom while he fled to the dorms, going first to the toilets to throw up then under his bed to cry

He couldn't even be normal for one hour...

*

It was nearly two hours after Remus returned to his dorm when the others showed up. Spinnet and Struthers were asleep when James, Sirius, and Peter came in. They were in high spirits, very giddy, giggling, tripping over themselves to tell Remus (who remained hidden under his bed) about what all he missed (apparently Slughorn _did_ question Sirius's right to be at the party however all of them kept saying things like 'Remus just popped off to the loo' and 'he was right over there a moment ago'). It didn't sound like he missed much but he listened to their stories until nearly midnight when finally even James was too tired to stay up, since he was having to wake up extra early to pack (Remus had already packed the bag he was taking home, none of his friends had).

He had nightmares that night. Thank MERLIN he didn't wake up screaming however he did wake up crying quietly at one point, soaked with sweat. His nightmares were the same: a crowded room, pressing in, so many people, then him transforming right there in front of everyone. Of course it always ended with him being slaughtered.

It came to no surprise to Remus once morning finally came, when all three of them slept in and had to rush around to throw things in their bags. Remus just sat cross-legged on his bed, watching in amusement (he still didn't feel too keen from the party but at least was able to act like he was fine which was the most important thing and at least soon he'd be home to be under his covers with nobody to force him to pretend to be human--which would be absolute bliss), until finally they had to go or risk not having any breakfast. The four dragged their bags down with them to the Great Hall just in time to stuff their faces with food. Sirius and Peter both pocketed some things for the trip, then they headed outside.

Remus wasn't sure how they were getting to the train station. He knew it wasn't via boats. Were they walking to Hogsmeade? He followed his friends down the main stairs, to the area where loads of students were milling about or else getting into carriages. He looked up at one of the carriages then his eyes traveled along to the front.

He screamed.

He screamed, dropped his bags, backing up so quickly that he tripped over his too-long cloak and slammed down onto the ground. There he began pushing himself back, panting heavily, eyes huge.

The creatures looked like someone decided to cross breed a horse with a dragon, without any meat or flesh on them. They were bony... with huge leathery wings and pure white eyes. The one Remus was staring tossed its head back and then twisted its neck to look at him. Remus began quaking.

"Remy? Whoa, what's up?" Sirius, James, and Peter were crowding around him, trying to help him up. He allowed himself to be lifted but didn't take his eyes off the skeleton _thing_.

James followed his stare. "What's wrong?"

Slowly Remus held up a shaky finger but none of his friends reacted. Had they seen these things before?! Nobody else was reacting either. Did the entire wizarding world know about these _things_ besides Remus? Was it some sort of conspiracy his parents had?! Except... Lily was in the area too, laughing with Inkwood and Colgate, walking very close to one of them and she wasn't reacting. Did Muggle knows about them, then?

"Buddy, what's wrong?" James asked again.

"They... sc--scared me," Remus whispered.

"What? The carriages?" Sirius inquired.

Remus dropped his hand. "No! Those... _things_!"

"What things?" Peter asked, stuffing a muffin into his mouth, squinting in the general area of where Remus was pointing. "The Slytherins?"

"They'd scare me too!" James exclaimed, and the three of them laughed, Peter spraying crumbs everywhere.

Remus finally tore his gaze away to stare at his friends now. Did... they not... see them?! He stepped back again then ran over to Lily. "Lily, what--what's hooked up to the carriages?" he asked.

Lily jumped in surprise at how freaked out he sounded. "Nothing," she said. "Which is weird--"

"They're magicked to run in their own," Inkwood said. "My older sister told me."

Remus blinked then rubbed his eyes. Was he seeing things? He opened his eyes again but no they were there. He could smell them, too. The one nearest to him took a step towards him, the carriage rocking a little bit. The thing let out a cry that sounded like some sort of huge, nightmarish bird.

"Remus, what's wrong?" Lily asked gently when Remus cringed back.

He clamped his mouth shut and then shook his head. "N-n-n-nothing. Nothing. I'll s-s-see you on the train." He returned to James, Sirius, and Peter, his entire body shaking hard. Could... were... were they _invisible_? To humans? Was that why he could see them, because he was an animal? _Can't react, can't say anything_. His friends were concerned so he mumbled that he thought he saw something but it was just his imagination. Peter gave him a wary look at that which made Remus figure this would mean they'd think again he was a lunatic, however a lunatic was better than a monster. Or maybe he was going crazy. Maybe the scraping in his brain and blackness in his vision the night before made him snap.

Just then the Head Boy who was helping supervise everything came over, asking about the screams. He looked rather concerned. Remus quickly fobbed it off as a joke about Slytherins 'scaring' him. The seventh year Ravenclaw scowled and stormed off, grumbling to himself about Gryffindors.

Once in the carriage, Remus made himself as small as as he could in the back seat to be as far from the creature as possible. He could hear it snort and give its weird bird cry before clopping off. Remus clutched at his backpack, concentrating on breathing as steadily as possible. _Maybe Dad will know what they are. Or I can ask McGonagall when I get back._ He considered writing her over the holidays but thought it might be weird to do so, sending letters to your teacher... Of course, at the same time, if he really _had_ gone crazy he didn't want anyone to know or suspect. He finally settled on keeping this completely to himself. Just in case.

At the station Hagrid was making sure everyone got on the train safely. James and Sirius both went over to wish him a happy Christmas before they climbed on board. The good thing with the holidays meant a few stayed behind, leaving more empty compartments. The four of them easily found one for themselves, settling in quickly. As soon as Remus sat by the window it was if his eyes moved on their own, looking out towards the carriages, to see the creatures again. Suddenly he jumped up and pulled his school satchel down. It was stuffed with all his text books (as well as homework) and he began going through until he found _Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them_.

"What the hell? You're doing schoolwork already?!" James demanded as Remus opened the book on his lap.

"No. I want to look something up specifically," he said, carefully flipping through the pages. He didn't recall reading anything about them but perhaps he just didn't remember. He was barely aware of the train starting or time passing. At one point his friends tried to get him to join a card game but he just kept carefully skimming through until finally he got to the last pages. With a disgusted sound, he snapped his book shut.

"Problem?" Sirius asked.

"It's nothing." He put the book away, and joined the game.

At one point Remus went to find Lily to tell her a proper goodbye and wish her a Happy Christmas. Other than that, he stayed in the compartment with the other boys. When the sweet trolley came around, James pulled out handfuls of coins to buy half the cart, putting a huge pile of candy on the seat between him and Sirius... making it very clear they were _all_ to eat candy. Remus was hesitated but James threw a licorice wand at him and then he gave in, helping himself to some of the sweets.

Soon it grew dark outside. The closer to London they got the more Remus worried. He wasn't sure how he was going to get to his parents with his friends around... He stared blankly at the cards in his hand, easily picturing getting off the train and Sirius and James and Peter just crowding around him and introducing themselves as his friends. How was he going to do this?

He was very sick by the time the train slowed. Peter knelt on the seat, face pressed against the window. "I see my mum!" he yelped happily. "And my dad!"

James joined him. "Hey there's my parents! How about you two?"

"They're there," Sirius said. He was slumped down in his seat, picking at the knee of his trousers, a rather frighteningly dark look on his face.

Remus peered out the window. It was snowing lightly and there were loads of parents waiting around on the platform as well as students starting to get off making it more crowded. "I can't see them yet."

James grabbed his suitcase from the overhead. "Come on!"

Peter seemed super excited too, but Sirius definitely wasn't. Actually, Remus thought he looked a little ill too. He got his suitcase then paused in the door. "Um, it's probably better if my parents don't see me with you," he said, avoiding looking at them. "I--er, I'll see you guys on the train ride back. Have a good Christmas...!"

James gave him a hug which made Sirius go even whiter, but then he hugged him back. "Have a good Christmas, Sirius!" James said brightly.

Sirius gave a rather wane smile at the others. "Happy Christmas Remus, Peter."

They wished him a happy Christmas back and gave him some time to get off the train before following suit. Immediately Remus scanned the platform till he saw his friend slowly approaching a woman dressed in very expensive looking robes and furs. Her glossy black curls were piled high underneath a pointed hat set at an angle, with fur trim. Her face looked like she was watching a troll approach her instead of her own son. Sirius gave her a smile. She just sneered at him, twitching her robes back like she didn't even want them accidentally touching him. She snapped her fingers and a house-elf lurched forward to take Sirius's suitcase then disappeared. The woman reached out with a gloved hand, wrapping her fingers around Sirius's upper arm, digging into his flesh. She yanked him close, hissed something in his ear, and then she dragged him to the area where you could apparate and disapparate. They both disappeared with a loud crack.

Remus couldn't help but think this was probably one of the Blacks who had been demanding Fawley's sister's execution...

During this time, his friends' parents also came over and Peter was being smothered with hugs and kisses from a plump, lovely woman who had the same mousy colored hair as Peter. An older Indian woman was sweeping James into her arms while an older white man with slicked back grey hair and thick glasses beamed at them. Remus thought James had said his parents were there, but they must have been his grandparents.

"Remus...! REMUS!"

His mother tore from the crowd, throwing herself at her son. Since Peter was being overly loved, Remus wasn't quite as embarrassed as she held onto him. He could hardly breathe as she squeezed, her tears falling on him as she practically pulled him to the ground. "Remus, baby, oh my baby, look at you, you're okay! You're okay." She smoothed down his hair, stroked his cheek, and covered his face with kisses. "You're okay."

"Of c-c-course I am," he said, blushing as he was aware James was now watching. He had to get away. "Let's get home, before it snows harder." But his mother was hugging him again. "Mum, p--please!" he whispered urgently. James had taken his grandparents over to Peter where everyone was shaking hands. "We sh-should go. Please. I want to get home."

"Yes, of course," she said, straightening up, wiping her face off. "Let's go, darling." She took his hand, pulling him towards the entrance. Remus glanced over his shoulder at James watching him go with a frown. Remus gave a shrug as if to say, 'Guess she wants to leave, sorry!' and then plunged through the barrier with relief.


	43. Chapter Forty-Two - Christmas

Remus felt odd when they pulled up to their cottage. His mum maneuvered the car into the garage and almost as soon as they got out she hurried around to hug him again. He finally hugged back now that he didn't have to worry about anyone trying to introduce themselves to her. She took one of his bags, leading him into the house. His father was in the kitchen, lowering the newspaper he was reading so he could give his son a steady look.

"Hullo Dad," Remus said, feeling a bit weird. He was never _that_ close to his father, not like with his mother. He realized in that moment his father only ever wrote to him twice during the autumn term. Actually, one of them was just the newspaper clipping with a warning so that probably didn't count; Hope had written all the letters.

"Hey there!" Lyall gave a half-smile and got up so he could squeeze Remus's shoulder. Remus smiled but was unable not to notice how awkward it all felt.

Hope seemed to notice too, looking desperately at her husband. Finally she stepped forward. "I've fixed your favorite meal for your homecoming," she said, rubbing Remus's back. She hadn't needed to say anything since the smell of steak filled the kitchen. "Why don't you take your things to your room, and wash your hands." She kissed the top of his head. Remus obeyed, dawdling a bit in the hall in case he overheard anything to explain his father's weirdness but his parents, who were well aware of his sensitive ears, remained silent. His father went back to the paper while his mother began humming happily as she worked on the food.

Remus went upstairs, dropping his bags on his bed. The first thing he did was pick up the stuffed animal sitting on his pillows. It was an old, raggedy sort of black dog that had been his companion since right after he was bitten. He had gotten him as a present for his first Christmas as a werewolf (he had had another stuffed animal before that, which his mother tried putting in the cellar with him on his first full moon. He had destroyed it beyond repair and cried for ages after). He gave Gwyllgi a hug, breathing in its familiar scent. Once that was taken care of, he took a look around the rest of his room. It wasn't very big but since he was the only occupant it felt less cramped than his dorm. Arthur was already there, sitting on the perch on his desk. Remus hurried over to give him a pet and accept a nuzzle. "Feels strange to be home," he said, fingers stroking along Arthur's head. "Doesn't feel... right..." He hadn't expected just under four months away changing this so much.

Dinner didn't alter the weirdness from his father while his mother was overly chipper, talking in a high voice, asking Remus all sorts of questions about school that Remus carefully answered, doing his best to tailor the stories to cut out his friends. His mother knew about the study group and questioned him intently about that.

"I don't really see them outside study group so I don't know much about them," Remus said with a shrug. This was probably the first real lie he ever spoke to his parents. He wasn't sure if he'd get away with it... except he did. His mother believed him, nodding approvingly.

That night it took ages for Remus to get to sleep. It sounded so quiet without everyone else around. _With the sound absorption spells on our beds this is probably how it's usually gonna be anyway_, he thought and then finally managed to drift off.

*

Home was lonely. Reading only distracted him so much though after a couple of days it snowed a bit so he spent some time outside making a snowman. That night Remus got his first letter. A black owl tapped angrily at his window until he opened it up, trying to ignore the sickly feeling inside he always got about his bedroom window at night (he wasn't sure why his window made him feel this way). The owl made a hissing sound and stuck its leg out, complaining as Remus untied the letter. The second he got it in his hands the owl flew off. _All right then_. Remus returned to his bed, examining the envelope. He didn't recognize the handwriting so it shocked him when he opened it to find it was from Sirius. Normally Sirius had gorgeous calligraphy-esque handwriting; this looked almost as bad as Remus's...

Sirius's letter was short, mostly complaining about being home not at Hogwarts, and that he missed him and James and Peter already. Remus wasn't sure what to reply so his letter back was also on the short side. He admitted he really missed school and the other boys too. He considered asking if Sirius had that same weird hollow feeling he did but decided against it, not wanting to really mention something like that.

James's letter came the next day, along with a wrapped present. That panicked Remus. He hadn't thought of presents at all and had nothing for any of his friends! He felt stupid and guilty. Should he send things? What about Lily? What if he sent presents to everyone but they didn't have anything for him?

He paced in his room, chewing down his raggedy fingernails, wishing he had someone he could ask about this sort of thing. What did people _do_? What did normal humans _do_?

Finally he came to a decision. He went downstairs and asked his mother if they could bake cookies. She readily agreed and they spent the entire afternoon in the kitchen listening to Christmas music as they baked. Since his father never did any sort of cooking or baking, the only way Remus knew how to do this sort of thing was the Muggle way. By the time Lyall came home, there were loads of sweets. Remus snuck away two dozen (that he had baked himself) up to his room. He divided them up into half a dozen each, wrote a nice note for his friends, and wrapped the boxes up in newspaper since he didn't have any proper wrapping paper. He sent the first box away with James's owl.

As for the others, he didn't know how to get them to his friends. Arthur could probably carry two... so he sent him off with Peter's and Sirius's presents, hoping this was the right thing to do which it turned out to be: that night a small brown owl delivered a present from Peter, and a barn owl brought in something from Lily (so Remus sent her back with her cookies). He just hoped cookies weren't too pathetic of a present...

*

Christmas morning! Remus woke up a bit early, immediately eyeing his dresser where he had the four presents hidden. He wanted to open them _now_ but thought he'd save them for night. Hope was just as excited as Remus and there were more presents than he expected for him under the tree. Not that there were many, just more than he thought there'd be. Usually he only got a couple but this year there were five! Hope smiled at him as he ripped into them, feeling rather animalistic as he did.

The first was the knit thing his mother had mentioned before: a rather huge scarlet sweater. He pulled it on and it engulfed him, the ends of the sleeves flapping over his hands. "You'll grow into it," his mother said, smoothing down his hair as she beamed at him.

"Thanks, Mum! It's great!"

Next was a pair of matching scarlet gloves which at least these mostly fit. The other three presents were books. He hugged his mother and then smiled at his father who gave a tight-lipped smile back.

"Glad you like everything, Remus. Sorry it's not much."

"No, it's wonderful," he said, clutching the books. "Thank you so much."

That evening when he finally settled in his room he pulled the four presents out of his desk and sat down, wondering what on earth they could have gotten him. From Lily: _The Book Of Three_ by Lloyd Alexander. He had never heard of it before. Inside she included a note saying it was the first of a fantasy series she had greatly enjoyed and hoped he would too. From James: an ink pot in the shape of a lion's head filled with scarlet ink. From Peter: a box of Bertie Bott's and a bag of fizzing whizzbees (which made Remus feel better about the cookies). And from Sirius: a chocolate frog along with a new copy of _The Phantom Tollbooth._

_Sorry I ruined your copy and I hope this one is right. I had to ask my Uncle Alphard to get it cause it's Muggle and he's the only one I trusted to do it. If it's not right please let me know!_

Inside the cover of the book was: _For Remus, From Sirius, Christmas 1971_.

While the handwriting looked a lot better than the first letter, it still didn't look quite right to Remus.

He wrote thank you notes for all his friends, hoping to get them sent out as soon as he could. Once that was taken care of he unwrapped the chocolate frog--not eating it until the spell wore off--then settled back with the book from his parents he'd been reading all day.

*

On Sunday afternoon, someone knocked at the door. Remus was in the living room, stretched out on his belly before the fire, reading. His mother was on the couch knitting, and his father was listening to the radio station. All three of them stared at the door. _Knock knock knock_. Remus remembered that summer day when Dumbledore came, hearing the knocking at the door, seeing his father do what he did now: carefully creep towards the door while he waved his hand for Hope and Remus to go elsewhere. Remus closed his book, tiptoeing into the kitchen with his mother who clutched at him, terrified.

Remus heard his father unlock the door and then cautiously open it. "Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Lupin," came a familiar Scottish voice.

Remus's face lit up and he tore from his mother. She grabbed for his sleeve but he got away. "Professor!" Remus exclaimed, peering past his father. McGonagall gave him a smile. "Come in."

"Remus," his father warned.

"Dad, this is Professor McGonagall. She's Head of Gryffindor, and the Deputy Headmistress. She knows."

His father went white at the easy way Remus said that, his arm jerking a little bit like he wanted to smack Remus. Instead he stepped back, opening the door, allowing McGonagall inside. McGonagall breezed past and as soon as she did, Lyall gave Remus a very angry look. Remus's smile faded as he shut the door, not sure what he had done wrong. They weren't supposed to have anyone over but--McGonagall knew so... what was the problem?

"Happy Christmas, Professor," Remus said and then felt incredibly embarrassed at having his teacher there in his house, especially since he was still in his pajamas (with his mother's huge sweater over).

"Happy Christmas, Remus," McGonagall said in return, a bit of snow falling off the brim of her emerald green hat. She waved her wand making the snow disappear before it could wet the floor. "How are your holidays going?"

"Pretty good. I--I've done all my homework already so I'm a l-little bored," he admitted.

Lyall cleared his throat. "Is there a reason you're here, Mis...Mrs... err, Professor?" he asked as his wife cautiously came into the room again.

McGonagall raised her eyebrows then pulled out a long piece of rope. "Professor Dumbledore has set this portkey up. It will take you to Hogsmeade on Monday the third at noon exactly. We figured a rope would work best, that way you can tie it on just for extra safety, and it will give you and your father plenty of space during your travels; it can be awkward with something very small, bumping into one another."

"I work on the third," Lyall said bluntly.

"But--how come it's not Sunday? Classes start Monday morning, d-d-don't they?" Remus stammered.

McGonagall frowned. "I spoke with Madame Pomfrey and we decided you would be in no condition to travel by portkey the day after a full moon." When she said this, both of his parents flinched. Lyall's face went red while Hope's went white. "I'm afraid it is either this or the Floo network and I am under the impression you wish to avoid using the public network in town."

"Yes," Lyall gulped. "We'd prefer--not to. How about slide-along Apparition?"

"Nobody at Hogwarts is licensed to bring minors along," McGonagall explained, "and while someone could apply... the Ministry would want to know why--it's more suspicious than a portkey--and am I right to assume you wish that to be avoided?"

Merely mentioning the Ministry sent all three Lupins into terror. Hope wrapped an arm around Remus, holding him close. "The portkey will work fine," Lyall said quickly. "I'll--take an early lunch break."

"I could do it," Hope said.

"Have you ever traveled by portkey before?" McGonagall asked. Hope shook her head. "It would probably be better if he's accompanied by an adult who has done so before. It can be quite... jarring." She handed the rope to Remus who held it close. "Remember: at twelve noon exactly on Monday the third." Remus nodded. "Good. Well, I best be going..."

"W--wait!" Remus pulled from his mother, running to the kitchen where he gathered up some of the remaining cookies and put them in a container then ran back out, handing them to McGonagall. "For Christmas." McGonagall looked quite startled as she slowly took the container. "I baked th-those ones myself, though--Mum helped me a little."

"Why... thank you, Remus." McGonagall smiled and then put her hand gently on his shoulder. "I'll see you in a week." She left the house, walking down the front walk, disappearing with a quiet popping sound as soon as she reached the gate.

Remus clutched the rope, watching her go, then turned to take the portkey upstairs. His father stood in his way, expression back to fury. Before Remus could ask about it, Lyall's hand flew out to slap Remus across the face. "You're not supposed to be so--so--_casual_ with people!" he hissed then grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him. "You understand?!"

"I'm s-s-s-sorry! She--sh--she knows--so--"

"I don't care!" Lyall gripped Remus's arms so tightly they would bruise, his eyes flashing. "It. Isn't. Safe. Say it!"

"It isn--n-n-n't sa-s-safe!" Remus cried out, the sting in his cheek fading. A tear rolled down over where he had been struck. "I'm sorry."

Lyall dragged him upstairs to his room, shoving him in. "You should stay here for a while."

"Dad--"

"Think about it, Remus. You're not like others!" The anger in Lyall's face began fading and he sighed, sitting down on the edge of Remus's bed. "Perhaps your mother was right, perhaps Hogwarts was a mistake..."

"No!" Remus felt his heart leap up into his throat. "I'm sorry, I am, it won't happen again! I--I just thought it was nice since she's going so out of her way to help out..."

Lyall looked at him and then shook his head. "You've got your mother's heart. If circumstances were different I'd say that's a good thing but all things considering, it's just going to make things harder for you."

"I won't be casual or--anything like that," Remus promised. He felt very sick thinking about what they'd say if they knew about his friends. He knew they'd disapprove but he hadn't thought it'd be that bad. He'd probably get more than a slap. He'd have to be even more careful to make sure they never found out. "Professor--well, I'm sorry. I am."

"I know." Lyall rubbed his forehead as he got up. "You should stay in here anyway for a while. Just... think about... and remember... what you are. What could happen."

"Yes, father."

Lyall left, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he did Remus reached up touching his cheek where he had been hit. It wasn't the first time Lyall lashed out and he figured it wouldn't be last, however the previous times he had deserved it. This time he didn't think he had. Just because he thanked McGonagall and gave her cookies... that wasn't bad or wrong, was it? _Casual_... No, maybe he did deserve it. He deserved to be _whalloped_ for disobeying his parents, for making friends, for--for being suckered into the idea he was a normal human boy. He _knew_ he wasn't, and knew he had to pretend he was, but he couldn't take it further. Like friends...

_But I don't wanna stop being their friend_, he thought miserably, twisting the rope in his hands.

_What do I do?_

*

That night just before bed, Hope brought up a slice of cake and some milk. She set the tray on his lap then sat down, fussing over Remus as he picked up the fork. "Your father's just worried," she said.

"I know..."

Hope wrung her hands, watching Remus take a big bite of the cake. "We love you, so much."

"I know," he said again. "I love you too."

She smiled, resting her hand on the blanket over his leg. "We just want what's best and safest for you. And... I thought we might... talk... about whether you should return to Hogwarts or not."

Remus froze, fork full of cake halfway to his mouth. "Why shouldn't I?"

"You... people like you... should stay away from other people, out of sight. Hidden. Safe." Things she and Lyall had said when Dumbledore had worked on convincing them to send Remus in the first place. "I don't think it's worked out very well, has it?"

"Y--yes it is," he protested. "Mum--I love school. I want to go back." Suddenly he began panicking they had found out about the others. "Is this about study group or--or anything? I c-c-can quit study group! I don't talk to anyone--I don't--"

"Shh, shh." She bent in, stroking his cheek. "How about we talk about it tomorrow, when we're more awake? Finish your dessert and I'll tuck you in."

_She's the one who brought it up_... "Will you sing me a song?"

"Of course." Hope closed her eyes, hummed a bit before singing. "The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup... I say a little prayer for you." Her palm gently ran up and down his back, making him sleepy. "And while I'm combing my hair now and wondering what dress to wear now, I say a little prayer for you. You'll stay in my heart and I will love you. Forever, forever, and ever, ever. We will never part, oh how I love you. Together, together. That's how it must be to live without you would only mean heartbreak for me."

Remus finished off the cake and milk, feeling _really_ sleepy out of no where. His mother trailed off, kissing his forehead before taking the tray from his lap. "Goodnight, baby."

He was asleep before she even left the room.

*

He woke up again, feeling foggy and distant. His body felt a little weird, like something pressing down against him. Like the blanket was maybe too heavy. He squinted and slowly rolled over, using more force than he thought he should. That's when he realized he wasn't alone in his room. Panic swept through his body--a long ago memory locked away raising its head for a second before disappearing back into the dark depths. Then he realized it was his mother. She was going through his desk and then moved on to his dresser. He thought maybe she was looking for the presents his friends sent. She did pulled out the two books but didn't give them a second look. Next she went to the bags he had used to bring stuff from school and went through those.

Finally she stood in the middle of the room, hands on hips, looking around, then he thought maybe she was facing him. He wanted to ask her what she was looking for, but had the feeling she didn't want him to know what she was doing. He remained silent and soon she left, quietly shutting the door behind her.

Remus curled up, tugging the blanket higher, wondering what that had been about.


	44. Chapter Forty-Three - Return to School

The second week of the holidays went a lot worse than the first week. Remus could sense something was really wrong with his parents but didn't dare ask. He figured it was his fault, for how he acted with McGonagall so he mostly skulked about the house with his head down, wishing he could fix things. At least his mother didn't bring up not-going-back-to-Hogwarts again, though on Tuesday she asked where the portkey was. He told her it was in his room and she grew anxious, saying he should give it to her for safekeeping.

"It's perfectly safe," he said, confused.

"I think it would be best if I had it," she replied.

_Is that what she was looking for the other night_? "Why?" he couldn't help but ask.

Hope stared in disbelief at her son. "I really don't appreciate your attitude, dear."

He had given her attitude? All he did was ask a simple question. Shrugging and fighting off the guilt, he went upstairs, retrieving the portkey from where he had put it under his pillow. When he gave it to his mother she wrapped it around her hands, studying it as if she couldn't believe what it would do. She kissed Remus's forehead before disappearing into her bedroom.

Finally Thursday and the first night of the full moon. Exhausted from the get go, he trudged around all day until just before sunset when his mother took him down into the basement. Suddenly Remus wished he had just gone back to school early. He had spent the past few moons in an entire house... now he was stuck in the small room again. He hesitated when Hope opened the door and she studied him with worry. Putting a shaky smile on, he went through the door, stripping off. He felt uncomfortable with his mother watching. She had done this for so long, but after the house in Hogsmeade and being alone...

He handed his clothes over and then wrapped a blanket around himself. "I'll see you in the morning," she said. "I love you."

"I love you too," he said then winced when she shut the door, plunging him in absolute darkness. There wasn't a speck of light that came through, the cracks around the door spelled heavily by his father to prevent anything from getting in or out. His wolfyness gave him the ability to see better in the dark however he needed at least a _tiny_ bit of light for that to work, and here there was _nothing_. The only thing that could was air, from a vent in the ceiling; though that was magicked to prevent sound from getting out. Nobody could hear his cries.

His transformation was pretty rough. The wolf did _not_ like returning to having so little room. The floor was soaked in blood, the walls splashed, the blanket destroyed. Hope began sobbing when she opened the door after sunrise, shouting until Lyall came down in a panic. He went a little pale as he picked up Remus's broken, battered body. Remus mumbled apologies as his dad carried him to the nearest bathroom. He was set down in the empty tub and Hope turned on the warm water so she could start cleaning him off. Unlike Pomfrey, she didn't bandage him up. Remus wasn't sure if it was more or less helpful, but once he was mostly cleaned off he curled up in the tub as his wounds kept bleeding. Hope knelt by the tub, stroking his hair, singing to him gently as he drifted in and out of sleep.

When he woke up around noon, most his wounds were healing up. There were a couple still nasty looking but he wasn't bleeding anymore. Hope cleaned him off again before helping him out of the tub and to his bedroom. She cleaned the blood out of the tub, tears dripping down on the red streaks. Once she finished washing up she made him a hearty lunch which he only partially ate before falling back asleep. Transforming took a huge amount of energy so he was always _starving_ afterwards however typically he was too tired and/or in too much pain to be able to eat much.

Hope sat by his bedside, staring at his sleeping figure, everything inside of her raw and numb. "I'm sorry, sweetheart," she whispered, assuming Remus was still asleep; her voice woke him up however he remained still, too tired to reply. "I wish I had been a better mother. I should have--should have..." She let out a choking sound as bent forward, pressing her face against his side. He felt the blanket getting damp from her tears.

_You're a perfect mother_, he thought as he slowly fell back asleep.

*

That night it snowed pretty hard so he remained a boy the entire night. He froze in the cement room underground with only a rather worn blanket wrapped around his shivering body. He had nothing to do... no light to even do anything by, and the darkness scraped at his brain. He despised nights like this, wishing his father could at least put a ball of light near the ceiling. That wasn't much to ask for, was it? _Maybe I can figure out how to do that,_ he thought as he spread the blanket on the ground. He lay down then rolled across it, wrapping it around himself as he went, bundling up like a cocoon. He wriggled his feet until he got the end tucked under, and shivered more. It wasn't much better. _He could put a warming spell in here too_.

Remus hardly slept that night, too cold. Hope was relieved when she came for him, finding him intact without a speck of blood on him. She pulled him into her arms, kissing him multiple times. He was too cold and tired to respond much, gladly going to his room to pull on two sets of pajamas. After eating a hot breakfast he buried himself under three blankets to sleep.

When he woke up a few hours later he realized it was the first day of 1972. All his friends were on the train returning to Hogwarts this very moment. He hadn't told them he wouldn't be there, and wondered what they were thinking.

That night was the same as before, which meant he _could_ have returned to Hogwarts on Sunday. He paced around his room in the afternoon, feeling grumpy and miserable. Finally he packed everything away (including his new books and the ink from James), and spent most the day looking out his window, excited to return to school the next day. To get back to his friends as well as classes. That night he received a letter from James's owl though it was signed by all three boys. They were very worried about him, wondering why he wasn't on the train, hoping his mother was all right, etc, etc. Remus sent the owl back on his own, since he'd be seeing them in less than twenty-four hours.

In the morning he got dressed, took his bags, ate his breakfast, and impatiently waited for noon. His father returned from work at eleven-thirty. That's when something weird happened. He asked Remus for the portkey to which Remus replied that his mother had it. Lyall frowned, going to Hope who said she'd look for it. She went into the bedroom and came back out.

"It's gone, I don't know where it went. Remus, did you take it?"

"N--no," he said, panicking a little. "You took it. For safekeeping."

Lyall stared hard at Hope. "Where is it?"

"I don't know!" she insisted. "I put it on my vanity table, and now it's gone!"

Lyall went into the bedroom to search while Remus hovered in the doorway, feeling sick. "If we can't find it--" he started.

"We'll find it," Lyall grunted from under the bed. Then he slid out, his brown hair sticking out everywhere. There was a very odd expression on his face. "Remus, why don't you go wait outside?"

"But--"

"No buts. Go wait outside."

Remus looked at his parents then took his bags out into the cold. There were still fifteen minutes to go before the portkey activated and he didn't particularly want to stand out in the deep snow, but he obeyed nonetheless. He went to the front yard, brushing snow off of a bench. He sat down, watching the house, heart pounding. He knew if it wasn't found he'd still get to Hogwarts some way or another; probably another portkey or something but he wanted to at least make it to Defense in the afternoon...

At about five til Lyall came storming out of the house with the piece of rope dangling from his hands. Hope hurried after, her face bright pink. "--be best!" she was saying.

"We can discuss it later," Lyall growled then plastered a smile on his face, waving the rope so Remus could see. "It fell behind the dresser. You ready?"

"Wait!" Hope pushed past him and threw her arms around Remus, hugging tightly. "I love you, Remus, I love you so much. Be careful, yes?"

"Yes, I will," he said, nodding. "Very careful."

"I don't...want anything happening to you..." She stroked his hair then began kissing him again until Lyall cleared his throat, telling Hope very firmly that he had to go now. She stepped back reluctantly.

Lyall tied one of the rope tightly around Remus's hand. "Keep a tight hold of it during the entire trip," he instructed as he held onto the other end. He held one of Remus's bags, while Remus clutched the others. "All right, it should be activated any minute now..."

"Goodbye!" Hope cried out as they disappeared.

It felt like someone pulling hard at his stomach, yanking him out of the garden. Remus and Lyall spun through the folded up distance between Dragon's Field and Hogsmeade. It was fast, loud, dizzying, and when Remus crashed into the ground he immediately rolled over so he could throw up onto some grass. His shoulder hurt from the landing, from his bag of books slamming into him.

"I _hate_ portkeys," Lyall grumbled. Then in a timid voice, "Merlin's beard."

"Hullo there, Lupin!" Hagrid's voice boomed. He picked Remus clean off the ground and set him carefully back down, his huge hand brushing the snow off of Remus's cloak. Remus was still clutching the rope. "Lookin' a bit green 'round the gills, there."

"Uhhrp," was all Remus could manage.

"Yeh must be Mr. Lupin." Hagrid took Lyall's hand and shook it vigorously. Lyall was looking quite green as well but mostly from staring at Hagrid. "I'm Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts, an' Dumbledore's trusted erran' boy." Hagrid winked at Remus with that and Remus just staggered forward so he could vomit on the ground again. "Dumbledore told me yeh were sick... are yeh sure yer well enough ter come back t'school?"

"Y--yes, th-that's just--portkey..." Remus groaned, clutching his stomach.

Hagrid grabbed Remus's bags as Lyall went over to his son. "Is he safe?" Lyall whispered.

"Uhhh...? Y-yeah, he's fine," Remus muttered, never really thinking before that someone would consider Hagrid as _dangerous_. Sure he looked wild but Remus knew Hagrid was very nice, even though he hadn't gone down to his hut yet. Sirius and James often went there and came back smelling like treacle, tea, and dog.

Lyall nervously ran his fingers through his hair then tried to flatten it all down. "Right. Well. Be good, Remus. Try not to get into trouble."

"With that pack he runs 'round with?" Hagrid's laughter boomed across the area. "Not very likely." Then he laughed some more at the very idea.

Lyall's head snapped around. Remus tried his best to look bewildered. Hagrid wasn't really looking in their direction so Remus just shrugged. Then when Lyall leaned in to give Remus a pat on the shoulder by way of goodbyes, Remus whispered that some of his dormmates were troublemakers but he didn't really know them that well, but Hagrid must have just assumed they were friends since they were all first year Gryffindor boys. He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice as he spoke these partial lies, but thank Merlin Lyall seemed to accept this explanation. He gave Remus another shoulder pat before disapparating with a loud cracking sound. Remus wiped his mouth off on the back of his sleeve and followed Hagrid across the grassy area he had been brought to. He could see the houses of Hogsmeade in the distance and when they reached the cobbled streets, Hagrid took him to an open-top carriage which was hooked up with one of those boney horse-dragon-things. Remus averted his gaze as he climbed up into the carriage.

Hagrid got in after him, the carriage rocking and creaking. Remus wasn't even sure the carriage would go but the boney horse-dragon thing jerked forward, the carriage rolling down the street.

"Reckon I scared yer dad a bit there," Hagrid chuckled. "He never came ter Hogwarts, did he?"

"No, he w-w-went to B... Beauxbatons," Remus replied, focusing on the humongous man before him instead of thinking about the thing hauling them back to the school. "His m-mother's French. Since she went th-there she figured he ought to--to--to go too."

"And yer mum?"

"Muggle."

Hagrid nodded, looking at the Forbidden Forest as they passed it by. "Yer friends caused quite a ruckus when they got off th'train. Young Black came righ' up ter me an' demanded I take'em straight to Dumbledore, cool as yer like. _Demanded_, soundin' sterner than Minerva. Wouldn' even go ter Pomfrey for his arm, refused till he got yer disappearance sorted out."

"His arm?" Remus asked.

"Oh, it was in a sling," Hagrid explained. "Broken pretty bad from what I heard."

Remus sat up a bit straighter, worried about Sirius now. He squirmed in his seat, impatient for the rest of the trip. Before long they were driving up to the castle and Remus got out, thanking Hagrid for bringing him back before dashing up into the castle. He eyed the entrance to the Great Hall but didn't have much time, so went up to the tower. He hadn't brought any of his school uniforms home so he had to get changed as quickly as possible, empty out his school bag except his Defense books and some other things he'd need, then ran back down. It was only ten minutes before Defense would start so he went to wait outside that door, hopping from foot to foot as he watched down the hall.

Most the Gryffindors appeared at the same time and Lily was the first to see Remus, joy lighting her face up. She ran forward, hugging him quickly. "Remus! You're okay! I was so worried about you, but Professor McGonagall said--"

But she was interrupted by James, Sirius, and Peter who jostled her away from Remus, ignoring her protests. They said about the same thing as she did, telling him McGonagall had told them all Remus had been too ill to come back on Saturday. He took a step back since he felt crowded in and couldn't help but glance at Sirius, who seemed perfectly fine.

"Y-y-yes," Remus said as the door to the classroom opened, so Dedenne could see what was going on. Her eyes narrowed at the sight though she didn't say anything. "I h--had a--a--r-relapse. I'm all right, it w-was just th--the one day really. Are you all right?" He suddenly turned to Sirius, unable to stop. "Hagrid said you were hurt?"

Sirius went a little white but he held himself up at full height. "I'm fine. I just fell down the steps at home on Saturday getting ready, and since it was so close to the train leaving my parents just, er, opted to temporarily put my arm in a sling then have Pomfrey look at it, instead of summoning a proper healer. She took care of it, no big deal. Not like you."

"I'm fine."

"Promise?"

Remus was taken aback by this. "Y--yes."

James slapped Remus's back rather hard. "Glad to have you back. We were really worried."

"All right," Dedenne finally said. "Come on, class is starting soon, you can have your reunion after."

They trooped into the classroom and Lily hovered next to Remus as they went. "Are you sure you're okay?" she whispered.

"Yes, it was just--just the one day really," Remus whispered back. "I probably c-could have come yesterday but McGonagall w-wanted to be sure I wasn't too w-weak to use a portkey."

"Portkey?"

"I'll explain later."

He sat down, and felt Lily's eyes on him. She was just watching him in a strange way that made him uneasy. It didn't help that Dedenne scowled at him whenever she was forced to interact. She dismissed class a little early so she could hand out their pre-Christmas exam results back. Remus sweated a little as he waited in line, wiping his palms off on his trousers. Dedenne gave him his paper and he walked out, not wanting to look at it with everyone else around. Lily was squealing at her 101% while Peter bemoaned his 49%.

"What did you get, a hundred and fifty?" James joked, elbowing Remus.

Remus just smiled. "Dunno, haven't l--looked yet."

"Go on," Sirius said. Remus didn't really have a choice. His gut wrenched as soon as he opened up the folder, trying and failing to keep it hidden from their view. "What? You got lower than Peter?!" Sirius gasped out.

"Shhh!" Remus hissed, face going red.

Peter leaned in. "Wow. Forty-two." He couldn't keep the happiness out of his tone that he hadn't gotten the lowest grade.

"At l-least it's passing," Remus mumbled, pushing the paper back in the folder. _Barely_.

"You're--but you're smart, that doesn't make sense," James said, adjusting his glasses.

Remus just shrugged. "Guess I just d-didn't do well that day."

Lily had been listening in to all of this and came over, her forehead rather winkled. "What happened? Can I see your test?"

"No, it's f-fine," he said. He knew if she looked she'd see most his answers were right--if not all of them--and that Dedenne had just arbitrarily marked his answers wrong to purposely lower his grade. "It's all r-right, I'll do better next time, and m-make up for it at the end of the year."

James flung his arm over Remus's shoulder. "Since we've got the afternoon free, wanna go have a snowball fight? Been wanting to have one for ages."

"Yes!" Peter exclaimed excitedly.

Remus tucked his papers into his bag. "Erm--"

"He just recovered being ill, he shouldn't strain himself," Lily said.

"Nobody asked you, Red," James snapped.

Lily folded her arms, glowering. "Excuse me for thinking you _cared_ about your friend. My mis_take_!" She turned on her heels and huffed off with Colgate and Inkwood.

James stuck his tongue after her then turned anxiously to Remus. "Okay, um, well, I did kinda forget already you might not be up to something like that. We can have the snowball fight tomorrow. Since we don't have _Flying_ anymore." He said this with great annoyance even though he hadn't really been able to join many of the lessons. "Oh, Remy, guess what? I'm definitely getting a new broom this summer! Whatever broom I want!"

"Congratulations," Remus said with a smile.

"You guys can try it out too," he said rather magnanimously. Remus tried not to snort though Peter was slack-jawed at the thought of being able to try out a top of the line brand new model broom.

They went up to their dorm to get scarves, hats, and gloves to go outside anyway. They built a snowman and then Remus sat on a rock while the others took turn sledding on a shield that James nicked from one of the suits of armor. He reached up, touching the spot on his cheek where his dad hit him the previous week, not caring that he'd get worse if they knew about this. He'd just have to work hard at them not finding out he had friends. He'd be able to manage, and was determined to do so because he _liked_ them, liked their company, and it made him feel good knowing they seemed to like spending time around him. He liked how it made him feel. More human.

Remus laughed with James and Sirius when Peter crashed into a snowbank and got stuck; he got off the rock, running over with them, helping pull Peter out and then dug around to find Peter's lost hat.


	45. Chapter Forty-Four - Disease-Ridden

On Tuesday he got back the test grades for Transfiguration and History. 109%, 101% respectively. _That's more like it_, he thought proudly as he pinned his Transfiguration paper up on his cork board, ignoring Sirius complaining that it wasn't fair someone could get more than a hundred. In Occlumency that evening he was in such a good mood that most the memories Fawley dredged up were nice ones. Building the snowman the previous day, his friends being worried about him, opening all his presents on Christmas. He still couldn't stop her though, despite the memories being simple and easy.

However there was one memory that _wasn't_ simply, easy, or happy. Since he was thinking a lot about Christmas... of course the memory of McGonagall's visit was brought up, and she saw his father slapping him across the face. For the first time, she broke contact with him.

"What happened?" he asked, wondering if he had managed to push her away.

Fawley's brow was very furrowed as she became tense and angry, or at least that's what Remus sensed coming from her. "Remus..." She spoke his name slowly, as if holding herself back from yelling. "Has that happened before?"

"Has wh--what happened?" he asked, confused.

Fawley's lips moved a little though no sounds came out until she managed to say, "Your father. Hitting you."

"Oh. Yes," he said, not sure why she seemed to somehow smell even _angrier_. Had he done something wrong?

"Remus..." she said again, clearly distressed. "I--the thing is..."

_Ohhhh_, he thought, realizing her problem. "I understand, Ms. Fawley."

"I was afraid that you didn't," she said softly.

"It's cause I was so, uh, casual with Professor McGonagall."

Fawley jerked back, eyes huge. "What?"

"Isn't th-that why you're so upset?" Remus looked up at her, extremely bewildered now. "Cause it isn't safe? That's w-what Dad said. I was being too--too casual about everything. I know how you feel about this, and I know safety is--"

"Remus..." Fawley trailed off then her hand went to the side of his head, however she didn't go into his memories. "Oh, my dear." Now she seemed sad which made Remus even more perplexed. "I--I think we're done for tonight."

"But--"

"It's been thirty-five minutes already. Besides, I'm not feeling well." She was lying. She was upset, extremely upset, and sad, and angry, and he had caused it. _He_ felt so sick to his stomach.

"Ms. Fawley, p--please, I'm sorry--"

"You don't need to apologize."

Remus felt his nose beginning to itch. "I do! I don't--know what I d-did but--I'm sorry... I--"

Both her hands cupped his face suddenly, quieting him. "You have done _nothing_ wrong," she said so intensely that he found himself unable to respond. "Don't ever forget that. Go have fun with your friends, all right? I... I'll see you next week."

"P... promise?" he whispered.

"I promise."

*

Despite the strangeness with Fawley, the unhappiness didn't really stick to him too much. On Wednesday he got more grades back: Charms, 108%, Herbology 100%, and Astronomy 100%. He was positively giddy, happily writing to his parents about how well he had done (not really talking about Defense, just sort of glossing over it). Thursday at Potions he knew that test would be on the lower side, but before he got it back he had to get through the class which turned out to be harder than he thought.

Slughorn explained the potion would be very difficult, and he'd be pairing everyone up himself. Remus gulped, hoping he'd be with Lily. They worked well together. As Slughorn read out the pairs Remus realized he was pairing good students with bad ones. Peter's the one that got partnered with Lily. If he was doing this that meant he'd probably pair his worst student with the _best_ student in class which meant...

_Merlin, please, no_!

"Mr. Lupin, with Mr. Snape."

Remus took in a quick breath as he got up to go over to Lily's friend. He had every intention of playing nice however Snape definitely wasn't. He raised his hand. Slughorn kept reading out the final pairings and Snape kept his hand up, paying no heed to Remus as he approached. "Sir," Snape said when Slughorn finished. "Sir, I object to my partnering." Everyone stared as Remus stood awkwardly next to Snape's desk with the Slytherin pointedly ignoring him, his other hand on the bench next to him to prevent Remus from even sitting down.

Slugorhn gave a great sigh, his mustache fluttering. "Mr. Snape, I've put these pairs together for a reason--"

"Yes, I know," Snape said, leaning forward. "However I request you switch me with someone else."

"Request denied," Slughorn said, frowning at his favorite student.

"My apologies, Professor, however--after he missed returning with all the other students on the train, it's become clear Lupin's sick with something. I don't wish to risk my own health."

Remus burned now. Sirius jumped to his feet, fingers twitching towards where he kept his wand in his robe. "What did you say?!"

"Mr. Black," Slughorn warned, holding up a hand. "Mr. Snape, we all come down with illnesses now and again--"

"He's missed classes before, hasn't he?" Snape asked, keeping his chin up. "It must be something recurring. I don't want to catch--"

"We're with him all the time, and we're fine!" James snarled as several students began whispering to one another, the word 'sick' cropping up.

Lily was covering her mouth, watching her friends in horror. "Severus, please," she whispered.

But Snape was now glaring at James. "Doesn't change the fact he's absolutely disease-ridden and--"

Sirius exploded. He whipped his wand out trying to shoot a spell, but Slughorn was faster and disarmed Sirius, sending Sirius's spell flying to the ceiling. "MR. BLACK!" Slughorn roared.

Snape just kept going. "He's crazy, too. Everyone know that. He probably shouldn't even be at Hogwarts, he should be at Saint Mung--"

He couldn't even finish the sentence; since Sirius didn't have his wand anymore he just charged forward, tackling Snape to the ground. All the students jumped up, crowding around the boys fighting like Muggles except for Remus who backed away, hardly able to breathe. He felt sick and disgusted, feeling more hatred for himself than usual. He looked over at Lily who was watching in absolute horror.

"Severus, stop it! Right now!" she cried out.

Slughorn pushed his way through the students, knocking a few over as he went. He pointed his wand sending Sirius and Snape rocketing up into the air, stopping just before the ceiling, suspended horizontally. Sirius had a black eye and his fists were still flailing to try to hit Snape who just hung there, blood dripping from his nose down to the ground below.

"Never--in all my--how you even thought--" Slughorn spluttered then motioned for everyone to back off so he could lower the boys to the ground. "Black, twenty points from Gryffindor, Snape ten from Slytherin, detention for _both_ of you! I am ashamed!"

"He attacked me! I was just defending myself!" Snape protested.

Slughorn narrowed his eyes. "You're being punished for your insolent remarks about a fellow student." Snape's eyes darted to Remus then he looked away. "Both of you, out of the classroom. Go on. Out. If you start fighting in the hallway, I'll consider _suspension_! And not in the air! You'd both best get to the hospital wing."

Both boys grabbed their things and stormed out, Sirius faster than Snape.

"Colgate, you were with Black; you'll be with Lupin now. All right, come on kiddos, let's get to working on our potions..."

Remus was so shaken up he couldn't do anything until finally Colgate just had him read the instructions out of the book, occasionally preparing an ingredient when it didn't call for precise hands. After, he got his test results back and also took Sirius's to give to him.

"Remus...!" Lily was waiting for him, flying to his side, grabbing his arm. "I am so sorry! I can't believe he said all of that!"

"It's okay," he said though his cheeks tinted again as the memory flooded his head. He wanted to reach in to tear the memory out, get rid of it. It made him feel like absolute _crap_. Humiliated. All those things said...

Lily shook her head, walking with him. "I had no idea he'd...! I'll talk to him."

James and Peter, hurrying to catch up with them, heard that last bit. "Why are you friends with that git anyway?" James demanded then pointed a finger at her. "If he says anything like that about Remus again I swear I'll break his stupid head!"

Lily bit her lip. "I... I'll talk to him... But he isn't a git--"

"You _heard_ what he said about Remus?" Then he put his hands on his hips and raised his voice, imitating her exactly as he copied her words from Monday, "Excuse me for thinking you _cared_ about your friend. My mis_take!"_

Lily looked on the verge of tears. "I care! And I'm not defending what Severus said--"

"Just defending _him_, eh?"

"You don't understand--"

"Obviously I don't! Course, _I_ stand by _my_ friends when they're attacked like that!"

"James!" Remus snapped. "Stop it!"

James's eyes flashed angrily as he stared hard at Lily. "Whatever," he finally muttered. "Come on, let's find Sirius." He took a few steps forward with Peter then both of them looked expectantly at Remus.

He slid his bag onto his shoulder then turned to Lily. "I'm not upset with you," he said and she sniffled in response. "I'm not." Then he did something he never thought in a million years he'd _ever_ do in his _entire_ life: he hugged her. It was the first time actually hugging someone not his parents (hugging someone around his own size) and it felt very weird. But she was distressed, needing comforting, and since she hugged him when she thought he needed comforting, he figured he ought to do the same for her even though he thought he needed some of his own comforting. Hugs didn't really comfort him. They just scared him.

Lily hugged him back then they pulled apart. She had a shaky smile. "I'll talk to him."

Remus just nodded. "Don't... push him... on my b-behalf, all right?" He felt very awkward now, from the hug.

Then before she could say anything else he fled to his friends. Normally James would have teased about the hug but he was too grouchy and mad at Lily, calling her a traitor to the Gryffindor name as they went to the hospital wing. Sirius was already gone by the time they got there so they had to go looking for him. It took them quite a while to hunt him down outside where he was throwing rocks at the frozen lake. As soon as they showed up, James began complaining bitterly about Lily-the-traitor while Remus gave Sirius his test back before checking his own. 70%, a _lot_ better than he ever expected. _Guess my written stuff made up for my abysmal practical potion making exam_, he thought. If he was able to keep all these grades up, he wouldn't have any problem passing Potions properly.

His friends were talking among themselves and suddenly he heard a word that brought him out of his thoughts. "No! No getting revenge!" he said quickly, head snapping up.

The three of them stared blankly at Remus. "We have to," James said simply.

"Sirius already bust up Snape's nose," Remus pointed out. "Isn't that enough?"

"Target like that, it'd be hard _not_ to," Peter said, and the other two laughed, James giving Peter a high five.

Remus rubbed the back of his head. "Look, I r--really appreciate you standing up for me--"

"You're my friend, of course I would," Sirius said as it were the most obvious thing in the world. Remus felt warmth and happiness inside of him, despite the also-sick feelings he was having from the whole ordeal.

"Evans doesn't seem to agree," James muttered as he lobbed a rock at the ice, watching it skip and slide.

Remus sighed. "But you didn't _need_ to punch him."

Sirius shrugged. "He deserved it."

He wasn't sure whether to say it or not, words he hated saying, words he didn't want to use. He thought this situation needed it so he gathered some inner strength to say, "But--I mean... I... _am_ sick..." James froze mid-throw, Peter jerked, and Sirius frowned. "You _know_ this, I've said before. My mum and I have this blood disease..."

"Doesn't give anyone the right to say what he said," Sirius growled.

James lowered his arm, letting the rock drop. "There's a difference between having an illness and being called _disease-ridden_." He spoke the last words with absolute disgust, looking as though he wanted to march right back into the castle and hurt Snape again.

"Plus he called you crazy, which you're not," Peter added. Then he whispered so quietly Remus was sure only he heard: "Right?"

Sirius snapped his fingers, pointing at Pete. "Exactly! Like James said, even if you have something, what he said was--was _beyond_ wrong and rude and he should be punished for it, and he was."

"Slughorn would've--"

"He probably wouldn't have, if I hadn't jumped in," Sirius cut Remus off. "Look, it's all done and over, right?"

A triumphant smile began to spread across Remus's face. "Over and done with?" he asked. Sirius nodded. "Good. So, no more revenge?"

Sirius's mouth opened and shut then he clamped it shut, going bright red as he realized he put himself in a corner. James began laughing, falling over into the snow, pointing at Sirius. "Th-that's something else--entirely--" Sirius tried but Remus folded his arms, glaring until Sirius began grumbling. "Fine! No revenge over what he did to you, but I'm gonna get revenge for him giving me a black eye." Now he looked triumphant at getting through Remus's loophole.

Remus now scowled. "Fine." He turned his back to him to glower out at the lake. "Course don't you technically always have 'black' eyes?"

"What d'you m--" Sirius stopped as Remus began giggling, unable to stop. James started laughing again, then Peter. "Ha ha. Funny, funny. You're a real killer." Remus stopped giggling at that word, knowing Sirius didn't mean anything by it, but it being... too close to the truth for comfort. It especially hurt with all the awful emotions from Snape's outburst. "Now then. I was thinking we should start trying out _potions_. I mean we did before with the boils thing, but I'm meaning stuff to slip into something he's drinking..."

"Weren't we gonna do the bat-bogey thing?" Peter asked and everyone's head swiveled to Remus.

"Yeah, you said you had something to make it _more_ epic?" James asked.

"Ooh, y--yeah," Remus said, having forgotten that entirely between what happened over the holidays plus being so excited over all his exam results. "So I was thinking, if we're going to do something we should do it on a grand scale." He slowly windmilled his arms to indicate so. "Splitting a spell to attack multiple victims is really _really_ advanced so I th--thought we had a couple other options." He saw he had their rapt attention, three identical mischievous grins before him. "Two of us c--could do the bat-bogey hex while the other two do sort of... mirror spells that _possibly_ could split the spell though not guaranteed. Or..."

"Or?" James breathed out.

Remus began chewing at his thumbnail. "We c-could enchant a door so whoever goes through gets whammied by the hex."

"You can do that?" Sirius asked, impressed.

"_I_ can't, and I doubt any of you could, but... we might be able to with enough practice and hard work." With that, the others made faces. "Though not anytime soon. It's a pretty advanced spell though the difficulty does depend entirely on how complicated the spell is. The bat-bogey hex is... sort of simple, however if we add on the furryness--"

"Which we can?" Peter asked eagerly.

"I think so... I--I think I might have gotten the spell fixed up however I haven't tried it since I was at home and we're not supposed to use magic out of school, plus I didn't have anyone to try it on..."

Sirius and James exchanged looks. Peter realized what was going on a split-second before both the black-haired boys shot their arms out, grabbing Peter and shoving him forward.

"I nominate Peter Pettigrew!" James exclaimed.

"Wh-what?! Noooo!" Pete whined.

"I second that notion!" Sirius said.

"Y-y-you r-really want him to--test out an un-tested spell on me?!" Peter squeaked.

"Yes," both boys chorused.

Peter began squirming in their hands then stumbled as they shoved him forward, closer to Remus who was already pulling his wand out. He didn't want to use an unwilling specimen though. "If you don't want me too, I won't," Remus said.

Peter looked back at the others who gave him threatening stares. He gulped, rubbing his nose miserably. "G--go ahead."

"All right." Remus knew Peter was still mostly unwilling but he gave the go-ahead so... "All right," he said again, totally unaware that to the others he started to sound like a teacher as he began explaining. "So the bat-bogey hex is strictly Latin in origin so I think using Latin to extend the spell is best. The spell is Nasusmusca!" He flourished his wand and great gloopy bits of snot crawled out of Peter's nose. He gagged, staggering around as it pulled out and split apart, growing wings, three of the things flapping violently at him. Peter covered his head as it did its best to attack him. "Finite incantatum!" Remus said sending the bat bogies dropping to the ground. "Now, I have a couple of ideas for making it furry. Are you ready, Peter?"

Peter edged away from the snot on the ground. "I s-s-suppose..."

Remus brandished his wand again. "Capelli nasusmusca!" Peter cowered but nothing happened. "Hmm..." He tried again and again, using various Latin words for 'hair' or 'fur', mixing them in with both words, until he stumbled on one that mostly worked. It sounded awful and convoluted but it got the job done. "Nasusmuscapelli!" When the snot came out of Peter's nose it was all matted with hair, some sticking out. It wasn't the completely furry bogies the boys had in mind, it was a million times more disgusting. Therefore, a million times better.

Remus got rid of them (a gross pile sclupping into the snow) then inspected Peter's nose. "Did it hurt?"

"Not really just the usual ugh-ness," Peter moaned, clutching at his face. He pulled his hand away to look at his glove then put his hand back over his nose. "I don't think it ripped anything up if that's what you're worried about."

"It is," Remus admitted. He couldn't smell any blood so he knew Peter was relatively okay. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

"This is going to be absolutely _brilliant_!" Sirius decreed. "And you think we can enchant a door to put it on people?"

"Ye-ees," Remus drew out. "However since the furry bat-bogey hex is more complex than the original, we might do better just using the original for a better probability of the--"

"Nasusmuscapelli!" James suddenly yelled, wand aimed at Sirius. For a second nothing happened then out came the snot with hair sticking out, forming several bat-like things and attacking Sirius's face. He ran in circles, arms flailing, while James laughed.

Then the three other boys began running around trying to shoot each other with the spell while Remus ducked behind a rock to try to protect himself. He knew the hex was dangerous for animals and while he wasn't an animal, he wasn't human so he didn't want to find out what it would do to him. He knew it wouldn't be long before one of them tried to get him so he figured a distraction would be best. He gathered snow, forming a ball, and throwing. It hit James in the shoulder sparking a very wild snowball fight between the four, with James coming out as victor due to his natural ability to aim.

Finally the four collapsed in the snow, laughing, Remus feeling a bit better already.


	46. Chapter Forty-Five - Hexes and Jinxes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say again thank you so so much for all the support! It really blows me away that you guys are reading and enjoying this so much! Thank you!!

Lily didn't show up for study group that evening so Remus was forced to walk back to the tower with Twycross who kept asking him (as delicately as she could, as _nosily_ as she could) what exactly he _did_ have. He just remained silent until she snapped at him that he didn't have to be so rude, then stomped off ahead of him. Once in the common room Remus asked Colgate and Inkwood if they had seen Lily. They frowned at each other then Colgate said Lily had been in their dorm for a while.

He hesitated, partially wanting to ask them to go get her, partially not wanting to disturb her. "Wh--when you see her, t-tell her that..." But what would he have them tell her that he didn't already say? "That I h-hope to see her tomorrow."

The two girls giggled. "We have class together," Inkwood pointed out. "Of course you'll see her."

Now Remus began blushing. "Er, w--well I mean--"

"I know what you mean," Colgate promised, her brown eyes sparkling behind her horn-rimmed glasses. "I'll tell her."

They giggled more as he walked off, wishing he understood girls a bit better.

*

Remus didn't really get a chance to talk to Lily until between Charms and Herbology the next day. He lagged behind his other friends and Lily indicated for Colgate and Inkwood to walk ahead, so they were alone. They walked silently through the corridor for a moment or so then Lily finally said she had talked to Snape. It hadn't gone well. Remus wasn't surprised at all.

"He says I shouldn't be friends with you, that I'll get sick too," she said, arms folded tightly across her chest. "I told him it was genetic and not anything like that--like, catching, I mean--but he wouldn't listen." She hunched her shoulders, her red hair falling across her face. "He also said you were..."

"Were?" he asked. She remained silent but he easily guessed what the other issue was. "Crazy?"

Her head jerked a little. "Yes."

"He said as m-much in class, and lots of people call me that anyway." Remus thought he preferred Loopy to Baby in all honesty, but he decided not to say that. "Look, um, I'm n--not mad about it. I mean, I--I am a little but I know you're friends with him and I'm not going to ask you to choose between him or me, and I d-don't want you to be mad at him because of me."

"I'm mad at him because of _him_!" Remus recoiled back at how sharp her voice got. "I'm mad because he said those things! And he doesn't even understand what he said was so wrong! That's the worst part. He thinks it's perfectly reasonable. I just don't know what to do."

Remus had no idea what to say or how to help. He wished he did, but while he didn't appreciate what had been said he could understand why Snape didn't want Lily around him assuming he was all diseased. Really, deep down, the hardest thing was Snape was right. Lily probably shouldn't be around Remus.

"Maybe t--try talking to him tonight, after some time for him to cool down?" he suggested.

"I guess." She didn't sound too confident though, and looked sad the entire rest of the way to Herbology.

_What do I do to help_? he wondered. A very faint part of him knew it wasn't _really_ his fault however he felt entirely at blame for what happened, for causing a rift between her and her friend.

*

Saturday was exhausting. The four boys stayed in their dorm pretty much the entire day, working on practicing the spell to put on a door so when someone walked through they were hit with a jinx or hex. They were practicing with a simpler spell: the tripping jinx, which they all had down pat, even Pete. Remus focused on making the doorway spell-activated while the other two put the tripping jinx on the door. They had to keep their concentration, and their wands pointed at the door... or so the book said for beginners at the activating spell. But no matter how hard they tried Peter was able to walk through the door normally.

"I _said_ it would take a while," Remus said in the afternoon. They were all sweaty, tired, and a little grouchy.

"Maybe _I_ should try putting the activation spell on the door," James said loftily. Remus snorted but didn't argue. James started up the spell while Sirius and Remus put the tripping jinx on the door. Peter went out and back in without trouble. He shrugged, spreading his arms out. James swore under his breath, flinging himself on his bed. "This is dumb, we can just put the hex on people regularly."

"But this way we can get multiple people at _once_!" Sirius argued. "Imagine doing this on the door to the Potions classroom. All the Slytherins. Maybe even Sluggy."

"Ew, imagine bat-bogies from _Slughorn_!" Peter said and James began gagging at that thought.

"I only made the suggestion, you don't have to follow it," Remus said.

"No, no, you're right," James relented. "It would be more fun this way. All right, lads, let's try again."

By the time supper rolled around Peter said he sort of felt his feet feeling weird when he walked through the door which was more than Remus ever expected (he sorta suspected Peter was lying). Down in the Great Hall, shortly after they got there, Snape suddenly yelled out as his boogers began crawling out of his nose. Remus saw James slipping his wand back up his sleeve, grinning from ear to ear. Many students laughed (including Slytherins) as Snape tried batting away four bat bogies that were trying to attack him. A Slytherin prefect rescued him, getting rid of the bogies. Snape clutched at his face, eyes darting to the Gryffindor table. James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus were all very innocently eating their food.

"You know," Sirius whispered after a moment, "I was expecting bigger bogies out of _that_ nose."

James spit his water out all across the table, spraying Remus and Peter who were sitting across from them, but they were too busy laughing to really care much.

*

The next few days were full of snowball fights, practicing their big prank, tripping Slytherins, and Remus doing his hardest to avoid Snape. On Tuesday evening Remus was terrified Fawley would still be angry with him however she didn't even mention anything that happened the week before. However... she did see the plans for their Big Prank and Remus was worried she'd go to Dumbledore about it, ruining everything. However she merely shrugged, saying it wasn't any of her business. She wasn't a staff member of Hogwarts so there was no need. She had a slightly wicked smile on her face as she said this. Remus remembered she permanently gave her ex donkey ears so he supposed she had a streak of trouble-making and revenge in her that made her a little on his side about the prank, even if she was still vexed by his continuing his friendship with Sirius Black.

When Remus got back to the Gryffindor tower, Lily was waiting for him. She looked rather nervous as she yanked him to an alcove where they could be relatively alone. "I talked to Severus tonight," she said, hands fidgeting as her eyes were focused more on their shoes than him. "He's been very upset about the whole thing and feels bad."

_Does he really feel bad or is he upset that he upset Lily_? Remus couldn't help but wonder.

"He--he said he's sorry." Lily finally looked up at him. "I told him he needed to tell _you_ except I don't think he will. But he does feel bad." Her hands began wringing now. "I--see, he..."

"Lily, if you've forgiven him it's f-fine," Remus said quickly and a look of guilt flushed across her face. "I'm not upset about it. He doesn't need to apologize to me cause I don't think he'd really mean it an-nyway, and we--both know it."

"Oh, how can you be so..." She studied him as she thought of the word, and Remus felt sick that she might say something like weird, or freakish, or crazy. Lily wasn't like that, but he couldn't help worry she'd say it anyway. "You're so nice about this when he was absolutely rude to you! You sound so... grown up."

He began laughing suddenly then clamped his hand across his mouth, trying to stop. He thought the laughter sounded rather crazy. "I'm not intending to be!" he managed to get out from between his fingers, erasing all previous maturity with his giggles at the thought of being the 'grown up' in this situation. "I just don't see the point in forcing him to make an apology neither of us believe in or--or-or care about."

"You're really different." His giggles died. "In a good way," she added quickly, "not in a loopy way."

Time to change the conversation. "You know, we never really got a chance to talk about how your holidays went...?"

They sat down as Lily talked at great length about her time home. Her parents had taken her home from Kings Cross and she had been so excited to see her sister but her sister barely talked to her at all. Lily tried to coax Petunia to do stuff with her but Petunia simply ignored her, or told her to go away. On Christmas morning when Petunia opened up her present, she liked it until Lily told her it was magicked. That was when Petunia threw it out the window.

"Mum and I searched for it but couldn't find it," Lily said, voice quavering. "She--she says we'll be able to find it in the spring when the snow melts, and she'll keep an eye out for it. Not that it matters." She reached up, brushing a tear away from her cheek. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. She--" Now Lily stopped and drew her shoulders back. "I'm sorry, I'm bothering you with all this."

"You're not b-bothering me," Remus promised.

"She keeps calling me a freak." Lily's voice dropped and now she hunched over in her seat, pulling the end of one of her braids to her mouth.

"Like in the letter?"

"She called me that before, on the train platform in September, and before. She... really hates magic. I keep thinking I can make her see how beautiful it is--like the bracelet--but I dunno if she will. She wouldn't even say goodbye to me before I left."

"I'm really sorry." He shifted a bit then leaned forward, dropping his voice, remembering what Fawley had told him a week ago. "You're not doing anything wr-wrong though."

Lily reached out, her hand on Remus's hand. "Thank you. You're such a good friend, I don't--"

She was interrupted by Spinnet who was walking by with Struthers, spotting them in the slightly hidden area. "Hey Lupin, having some _private_ time with your _girlfriend_!" Lily and Remus both jerked backwards, both of them blushing as if they had been caught doing something worse than not-even-holding-hands. Several other students glanced over curiously as Spinnet began laughing.

"Tussisiam!" Lily snapped, flicking her wand. Spinnet's laughter turned into loud coughing. She got up, tossing her braids back, and stomped off to join Colgate and Inkwood.

Remus got up as well, grinning as Spinnet got tears in his eyes from his coughing. He slowly pulled out his wand, putting on a face like he was considering helping Spinnet, then tucked his wand back into his pocket and went up the boys' staircase.

*

The next day, all the Gryffindors got super excited when Dedenne started talking about the Knockback Jinx however they promptly grew disappointed to hear they wouldn't start practicing it for another couple weeks; Dedenne wanted them to get better at the shield spell first, and they spent the last twenty minutes of class shooting sparks at one another while the other used the shield. Remus hated this, the memory of the first time still burning in his head. He was extra careful with his own sparks, knowing the smallest thing could get him in trouble. Too many sparks, too few sparks, sending them too far, his partner unable to do the shield spell, if his partner messed up their own sparks he suspected he'd be blamed for that

Course after class James, Sirius, and Peter were all talking about the Knockback jinx, begging Remus to look it up for him, staring blankly when he reminded them it was in their Defense book. "For Pete's sake, are you all allergic to reading or something?!" He pulled the book out, flipping rapidly through. "There." He held it open for them to see. "Right there."

"Flipendo," Sirius read out. "S'that how it's pronounced?"

Remus looked back at the page and nodded. "Yes."

"Excellent..." James rubbed his hands together. "Let's go find somewhere private to practice!"

"I don't wanna be the target this time," Peter whined.

James threw his arm around Pete. "But you make such a _good_ target!" he insisted as Peter groaned.

It was sleeting pretty bad outside so they decided to find an empty, abandoned classroom for practice. Remus didn't feel too good as they went down a third floor corridor. "We're not supposed to b-be in these rooms," he said, ignoring completely the fact that before he was friends with them he spent plenty of time in places he probably wasn't supposed to be to avoid them.

James pointed his wand at the door. "Don't be such a dweeb. Alohomora!" The lock clicked open and the four boys slipped inside, locking the door behind them.

The classroom was very old and dusty. The desks and chairs were stacked up against the far wall, and there were heavy draperies covering the windows. It was also very dark. Peter started going for the curtains but Sirius stopped him, pointing out if anyone saw from outside they'd be caught. James tried prodding one of the candles with his wand, using the fire spell, which didn't work (Remus was a little relieved it didn't work, he easily saw the whole room just catching fire).

"Guess we just practice in the dark," James said.

Remus made his way over to the big desk near the front of the room. He could feel his eyes adjusting, the wolf eyes letting the room come into better view. He pulled out one of the drawers, set it on the desk, then pointed his wand into it. "Frigis inflamari." Blue flared up in the drawer, making the room a bit brighter though creepy.

"You could have lit the candle," James said.

"Doesn't work so well with that," Remus explained, pulling out another drawer. "It doesn't actually really _burn_ things and I'm not good enough to get it settled on such a small surface as a candle." He put the second drawer on the other side of the room, also filling it with the blue flames. "Nope," he answered when Peter asked if it would burn the wood the flames sat in. "It might singe them a bit. There, that's better." The whole room looked very eerie in the blue light but at least they could see.

"Wicked," James said. "All right then, let's see how this knockback thing works."

They sat down on the floor near some of the flames, listening as Remus read out the instructions in the book. He demonstrated as best he could how he thought the wand movement went, hoping he understood the pictures correctly. They got back to their feet and James did the movement at Peter. "Flipendo!" Peter flinched but nothing happened. "Flipendo!"

"Flipendo!" Sirius tried.

Remus watched them go at it for a moment with a smile then cleared his throat. "You--you do realize we're probably gonna be starting on smaller targets first. A _lot_ smaller."

James brushed some hair from his face then pointed his wand at Remus. "Flipendo!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Very funny," he grumbled as the other three giggled. "I was _meaning_ something like _this_." He rummaged around his bag till he found the nearly empty box of Bertie Bott's that Peter gave him. He tipped the remaining beans into the bag with the fizzing whizzbees then set the now empty box on the floor. He pushed back his robes sleeve and focused hard on the box, picturing it going flying as he readied his wand. "Flipendo!"

The box was knocked backwards. Not the wild fly-back that Remus had hoped for but it was something.

"FLIPENDO!" James shouted and the box was knocked around.

"Flipendo," Sirius said rather lazily and the box was flicked away from him.

"Flipendo!" Peter tried and the box didn't move. His face fell. "Flipendo! Flipendo!"

"It twitched a little there," Remus said encouragingly.

They spent the next hour knocking the empty box around. Remus, James, and Sirius got quite talented at getting the box to go spinning backwards through the air by the time they got bored, while Peter just managed to knock it down when it was standing. He was clearly discouraged, but Remus told him he should be very pleased with being able to get it to fall over after such a short period, reminding him that they'd be learning this spell over the course of several classes.

"You guys can make it go through the air!" Peter complained as Remus got rid of the blue flames, and they left the room.

"Not everyone's as talented as me," James said in what he probably thought was a comforting manner.

"Not everyone's got as big an ego as you," Remus found himself saying then quickly covered his mouth. He'd been thinking it, just didn't intend on saying it, and now he went and probably totally offended his friend--except Sirius was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe and James was grinning, messing up his hair, muttering that that was probably true. Remus's shoulders sagged a bit with relief that he hadn't made James angry. He still felt uneasy with teasing them, not sure where the line was between just-teasing and gone-too-far. He had an idea of where it was just didn't have a feel for it quite yet. He considered sometimes asking them to help him--give him advice--however definitely didn't want _more_ proof to them that he was so different and odd and--well, loopy.

"Look at that. It's _awful_!" James suddenly said. Remus looked up to see they were passing by a side corridor and a little ways down stood Lily and Snape talking. Then suddenly James was dragging the three others to the side, ducking out of view. James peered around the edge of the entrance to the corridor with his wand ready. "Nasusmusca!" he hissed out then to Remus's surprise, "Nasusmusca!" He had hit both of them? Remus could hear loud shrieking and goopy flapping while James whirled around, pushing at his friends, whispering. "Go! Go! Go!"

James, Sirius, and Peter ran ahead laughing hard. Remus hesitated for a second then hurried after them, knowing he'd probably get blamed if Snape spotted him. "D--did you hit Lily too?" Remus demanded as they ran up a flight of steps.

James cast a sideways glance at him. "Well, _yeah_! She defended that git last week, and if she's gonna be friends with him...!"

"Yeah, she's a traitor," put in Peter, and James nodded.

"She g-got m-mad at him too, you know!" Remus found his stutter returning as he grew upset, which only made him _more_ upset. "I'm n-not saying let _him_ off th--the--the hook b--but don't go attacking _her_ fo-for it."

"You want us to go back or something?" Sirius inquired.

"N... no..." He knew that would just cause way too much trouble and most likely another fight. "Just--all right, you-y-you've gotten your rr--revenge, all right?" _Again_, he added silently, since this was the second time this week Snape was given the bat-bogey hex from James.

"All right," James agreed, spinning his wand in what he thought was a cool manner but he just dropped it and, since they were on a staircase, it went clattering down. He had to chase after it with a very sheepish face while the other three snickered.


	47. Chapter Forty-Six - That's Disgusting! How Do You Do It?

Remus approached Potions with trepidation. He hoped that Slughorn wouldn't pair him up with Snape again (or any other Slytherin). Lily was sitting with Snape when Remus arrived, looking a little embarrassed while Snape glowered at him. When Slughorn mentioned they were once again working on a difficult potion Remus's heart sank, but then their teacher allowed them to choose their own partners so Remus ended up with Sirius, who didn't seem too keen on properly making the potion. Instead he spent the time flicking things at other students and making jokes. They didn't receive a very good grade but Sirius didn't care and Remus was used to it.

After Slughorn dismissed them, they left the classroom and were halfway down the dungeon corridor when James and Sirius realized their robes had turned green with silver trim. Sirius actually screamed out while James whirled around, eyes meeting Snape's eyes. He was a little ways back, wand in his hand, a sneer on his face.

"I know it was you lot yesterday."

"Change it _back_!" Sirius snarled.

Snape's lip curled. "Weren't you supposed to be in Slytherin anyway, _Black_?" Sirius stood stock still for a second then lunged forward. James and Peter grabbed him, yanking him back while Snape laughed. "Temper." He put his wand away and walked past them, purposely bumping his shoulder against James as he went. At that he slowed his steps, turning back to face them. "If any of you ever attack Lily again, you'll regret it." His eyes locked onto Remus's for a brief second before he stomped off.

"GREASY HAIRED GIT!" James yelled after him as the few students who had stayed behind hoping for a fight scattered.

Sirius was pulling off his robes, throwing them to the ground. "Change them back, someone change them back _now_!" He looked at Remus expectantly.

"I--er, I c-can try..." He pointed his wand at Sirius's abandoned robes. "Finite incantatum!" Just as he figured the robes stayed green and silver. "I'll have to do some research, it's not just a basic charm. I think he properly dyed them."

"Hurry up and find it then," Sirius growled, still eyeing the robes on the ground. "I'd rather _die_ than wear Slytherin colors."

Remus picked the robes up, folding them over his arms. James shucked his robes off and tossed them at him. _I'm not your servant_! he thought rather bitterly. "You're so dramatic," he grumbled back. "Why don't you ask Flitwick, or McGonagall? They could probably do it better anyhow."

But Sirius was walking off already with James, both of them discussing the best way to get revenge. Remus just stood there, fury quivering through his body. He was half tempted to just throw their robes on the floor but then someone took them from him. He blinked, looking at Peter who have a tentative smile. "You know them, once they got revenge on the mind nothing'll sway them."

Remus pushed his hair back then took one of the sets of robes. "Yeah..." He folded and refolded the one in his arms, almost absentmindedly. It was Sirius's, he knew by the smell.

"How come Snape didn't change _our_ robes?" Pete wondered as they followed their friends.

Remus just shrugged however he suspected he knew exactly why. Even though Snape had verbally attacked Remus the week before, it was Sirius and James who were the ones he seemed to hate more. The show offs, the popular ones, the pranksters. Remus thought that he and Peter were probably more like footnotes for the rest of the students at the school. And after the way Sirius and James just seemed to dismiss them, Remus wondered if they were footnotes to them too...

Then Remus poked at the robes, mumbling a spell, putting all his concentration into them. Peter gasped as both robes turned black though there was a hint of silver trim in the light. "How'd you do that? You said you couldn't."

Remus just shrugged. "I didn't get rid of _his_ spell, just put my own over it."

"So it's still green under the black?"

"If you want to think of it that way."

Peter shook the robes out that he was carrying then gave Remus a grin. "Are you gonna tell them that?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, unable to stop a return grin from forming. "Of course not."

Both boys were still laughing when they finally caught up to Sirius and James, James wanted to know what was so funny. Remus and Peter just handed their robes back to them, goin on ahead, still snickering to each other. After that, Remus told the others he wanted to be alone, spending the rest of the afternoon under a table in the library, trying to tamp down his annoyed feelings towards Sirius and James, mostly Sirius. Remus couldn't help wonder if he had done something to deserve to be treated like that... or if he had just overblown the whole thing. Perhaps his reaction had been too... personal? Had Sirius meant to hurt Remus like that? _He's probably not even aware he did_, Remus thought, tracing his finger over the picture in the book he was trying to read. _Peter's right, revenge just filled their heads and everything else left_.

*

At supper Lily came over, tugging at Remus's sleeve until he left the Great Hall with her. She wanted to know if it had been James and/or Sirius who did the bat-bogey thing the night before. Remus shifted his weight and chewed at his nails, no idea how to respond. He didn't want to give away his friends but--Lily was also his friend. He didn't want to lie to her about things he didn't have to lie about...

"Yes," he finally admitted. "I snapped at James for it though. I d-didn't realize what he was doing until after he did it."

"He's done it to Severus before?" she asked and Remus nodded. "I see. Just James?"

"I haven't!" he promised. "I've never used that--" Then he stopped, looking away. Lily folded her arms, giving him a _stare_ until he confessed, "All right, I have used that hex before. Only p-practicing though. On Peter. Willing."

"It's absolutely disgusting," Lily said as she took a step closer to him. He thought she'd start shouting at him however instead all she did was lean in and go eagerly, "What's the incantation?"

He spent a good ten minutes with her showing her the proper wand movement and pronunciation, then they waited until James, Sirius, and Peter were coming out of the Great Hall. Lily aimed at James and whammied him with the hex. Since it was her first time attempting it on anyone it wasn't as gloriously awful as the ones James managed however one large bat bogey formed, attacking James so viciously it knocked his glasses off while Sirius laughed and Peter panicked. Lily tugged Remus down a side corridor, both of them giggling.

"His dumb face!" Lily wheezed, clutching her sides as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. "I _love_ magic!"

*

They were waiting for Remus after study group, the three of them chilling out near the entrance to the common room. As soon as Remus, Lily, and Twycross clamored through the hole (Remus falling to the floor), James jumped out of the chair he was in, grabbing Remus, hauling him to his feet. Without another word, he dragged Remus up to the dorm with Sirius and Peter on their heels. Remus hated that his automatic thought was he was gonna be beaten up. He doubted they would _(you're a monster you deserve it if they do) _but it still filled his head anyway, that they were going to hurt him for whatever reason. When James let go, he cringed back, waiting for the blow.

"I'm sorry," James said.

Remus's body slowly untensed and he stared at James. "What?"

"We both are," Sirius mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. "We were rude to you earlier today."

"About the robes," James added, noticing how confused Remus seemed. Now Remus switched his gaze to Peter. "Pete told us you seemed a little upset. And--you put the bogey hex on me, didn't you? To get back at us?"

"M... me?" Remus squeaked.

James raised his eyebrows. "Who else? Nobody else we know seems to be doing that hex, unless Snape's figured it out..."

"Nah, Big Nose was still in the Great Hall when we left," Sirius said, sounding a bit bored now. "I saw him dripping grease into his soup." With that, Peter began gagging a bit.

Remus chewed at his bottom lip. He knew if he told James that _Lily_ had put the hex on him that would probably spark something. James didn't seem to like her at all, and the others were on his side about the redhead. "Yeah, well, it isn't as if you--you d--didn't deserve it," he finally settled on. Not the truth. Not a lie.

James clapped Remus's shoulder. "It was a jolly good bat! Really big!" Remus smiled, filing the compliment away to tell Lily later.

*

There was a great big snowstorm the next morning and when it came time for Herbology the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs just sort of stood at the entrance to the courtyard nearest the greenhouses, staring at the blizzard before them. No one wanted to go out into it and no one was sure if Herbology had been canceled or not. The storm made Remus feel uneasy. It was covering up most the smells he was accustomed to, and since he couldn't see very far either it made the wolf uncomfortable. He wrapped his arms around his middle, shivering... though not from the cold.

Finally James just plunged out into the white, ignoring Remus and Pete both shouting at him not to.

"He's gonna get lost and wind up in the Forest and _die_ or something!" Pete declared, hopping anxiously from foot to foot.

"Shame it wasn't Black, then," Remus heard Spinnet mutter.

A figure appeared in the snow and then James stumbled forward, nearly crashing into Sirius who kept him upright. "Blimey it's a mess out there! Oh."

Another figure appeared: Hagrid. The students all backed up as the gamekeeper came in, shaking the snow off of him. "Bin sent by Professor Sprout ter let yeh know class is cancelled today."

Several of the students cheered and most of them wandered off. James and Sirius stepped closer to Hagrid. "What are _you_ doing this afternoon? Anything interesting?" James asked.

"Nah, jus' gotta help Kettleburn out with some of the animals." Hagrid looked at their eager faces and shook his head, knowing precisely what was on their minds. "No. Yer not goin' out in this with me. Too dangerous."

"We haven't anything to do," Sirius said.

"Absolutely not. Go on, then, back into the castle with yeh." Hagrid pointed one huge finger and James and Sirius reluctantly went back in, grumbling to themselves that they never got to do anything fun because obviously going out into a monstrous blizzard was fun. Actually, Remus got a little worried they might try to go out into it so even though he wanted to spend some time alone he stuck with them for the rest of the morning. They wound up in the Great Hall, playing cards, and watching the fake blizzard on the enchanted ceiling.

Remus had to stop them probably a dozen times from sneaking off outside. He kept telling them they could easily get lost and probably die however the thing that finally actually stopped them from attempting to kill themselves with hypothermia was when he threatened to never help them with their homework again. They finally settled down, not trying anymore.

*

Saturday morning the grounds were absolutely covered so of course as soon as they finished breakfast, Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus all hurried to their dorm to throw on their warmest clothes before running outside (Sirius stealing a shield from a suit of armor on the way) to spend the morning in the winter wonderland of snowballs, snowmen, and sledding. Remus's friends were absolutely gobsmacked when he admitted he had never gone sledding before. They realized he hadn't gone earlier in the month and with much poking and prodding got him to the top of the hill on the shield.

"Just hold onto the edges," Peter said. Remus gripped the edges of the shield nervously. He had seen them wreck plenty of times already and there were quite a few objects at the bottom of the hill he could crash into.

"How d-do I get it to gooOOOOOOOO!" Remus shrieked as Sirius gave him a hearty shove. The hill was very steep with the snow packed down from the others sledding, very slick. He zoomed down the hill faster than he thought he'd go with no way of controlling it, his stomach rising into his throat as thoughts of falling from great heights filled his head. The hill was also longer than it seemed so it took longer than he expected to get to the bottom however as he finally approached the bottom he saw he was far too close to a tree. He yelped in fear and jerked, tumbling off the sled while it was still going, tumbling head-over-heels before landing with a heavy thump into a snowbank.

He heard muffled laughter, emerging from the snow to see Sirius slipping and sliding down the hill while Peter lay at the bottom already. James remained at the top, pointing and laughing. Sirius trotted over to Remus, offering a hand to help him up out of the snow.

"That was _hilarious_!" he said, grinning from ear to ear. "You lost your hat."

Remus knelt down, feeling around in the hole his body had made until he found his hat and he jammed it back on his head even though it was covered in snow and ice. "That was--"

"Fun?" Sirius asked, eyes twinkling.

Remus managed a smile. "I guess."

Peter came over, breath rising in little puffs. "You all right? You crashed hard!"

"I'm f--"

"It was _terrific_!" Peter cut him off, face glowing. Remus snorted.

"Wanna go again?" Sirius asked. "I'll go with you, if that helps."

So they pulled the sled back up the hill and Sirius sat cross-legged on the front edge of the shield while Remus did his best to sit behind him. The shield was definitely not big enough for both of them. Almost as soon as they started going down, Remus fell off. James started laughing again.

"You were supposed to hold onto him, dolt," James said when Remus got up.

"N--nobody told me _that_," he complained. "I've never gone _sledding_ before."

James covered his grin. "I thought it'd be obvious."

Remus couldn't argue that. In hindsight it _was_ obvious however in the moment he would have never thought to purposely hold onto someone. He was still trying to get used to _that_ sort of thing. Lily's hugs still unnerved him, and James being so--so... touchy-feely distressed Remus a lot. He didn't want to tell them to stop (it'd just set him apart). He knew he could deal with it, just--purposely touching someone else was definitely not something he'd generally do unless it was for a real good reason (like comforting Lily, or helping Pete).

He did notice Sirius and Peter weren't as touchy-feely as James however they didn't seem to be as adverse to it as Remus, unless they were better actors than Remus thought. He wasn't sure if others were as uncomfortable as he was... but he _did_ know the reason he felt this way was because of his curse. And that was one reason he wanted to avoid touching people. He wasn't human and it wasn't right to... _touch_ them... as if he were...

Still, the next time he went down on the shield he nervously put his arms around Sirius and stayed on the shield the entire way down; it was quite fun. He went down a few more times, mostly with Sirius but twice with James and once with Peter which ended in a spectacular crash into a tree. Peter wound up with a bloody nose but he didn't want to go in yet so he just held some snow against it with his head tilted back until it stopped bleeding.

They weren't the only ones playing out in the snow by this point, there were loads of students crawling around the grounds and enjoying themselves. So just before lunch when the four boys headed back to the castle, they weren't very startled to see a big igloo with a Slytherin flag stuck out the top and a sign on the front. _Gryffindors keep OUT_! James and Sirius exchanged identical grins before creeping. over. James held up his fingers. Three. Two.

A familiar scent wafted past Remus's nose.

"Wait, DON'T!"

One.

"HYAAAAA!" James and Sirius both dove onto the igloo, crashing it in. However the result was _not_ what they expected: there was a sort of kaboomy sound and the snow went flying then there was a disgusting smell that filled the air. Remus covered his nose and mouth, gagging. James and Sirius sat up, coughing and gagging too. The igloo had been filled with dungbombs, and the remains clung to the two black-haired boys. They looked at each other again, their grins long gone. Slowly they both got up, shaking themselves off.

"Those rats _knew_..." James glared at the mushy brown-and-white mess on the ground.

Sirius nodded miserably. "It was a trap."

"How did you _know_?" Peter peered curiously at Remus.

Remus took a step back, tugging at his scarf so it covered his lower face, trying to block out the smell. "It just s--seemed suspicious," he lied, though he was trying his best not to laugh. It was very clever bait on the Slytherins' part. Most Gryffindors wouldn't care however whoever built it knew James and Sirius wouldn't be able to resist. He wondered who had built it... assuming it _was_ for James and Sirius and not someone else. He also knew if it had been anyone besides the Slytherins (or them as the victims) James and Sirius would have agreed that it was a great prank. It was just too perfect. Plus seeing the looks on his friends faces made it even better. He knew revenge would be happening the second they discovered the culprits (which Remus could guess would be Snape) but for the time being it was entertaining to see someone got the better of those two. A traitorous thought which he most certainly kept to himself.


	48. Chapter Forty-Seven - The Four Bs of Hogwarts

Remus found out that night who had done the igloo thing. Lily told him after study group that Snape had thought it up then got the help of Mulciber and Avery. He hadn't told her exactly what they had done, only that he had 'gotten back at those Gryffindors' with an exploding igloo. She wanted to make sure it hadn't been anything dangerous that hurt Remus, and when he told her what happened she bubbled over with laughter. She apologized sort of, saying she knew _he_ was friends with them but she really didn't like James or Sirius at all. Remus shrugged, not caring. After all, he didn't like Snape so it'd be hypocritical to get annoyed at her.

Course now he was in a position he hated to be in: tell the others and betray Lily? Or keep the secret? As he trudged up the boys' staircase he knew perfectly well the other three would tell if they had found out. _I don't want to hurt her though,_ he decided.

As it turned out, he didn't need to. The next day Mulciber and Avery gave it all away, laughing at James and Sirius after breakfast, holding their noses as if they still stank. James and Sirius both got their wands out which made Remus upset. They were on the first floor, a little ways from the main staircase, however someone could come by at any minute. Then Avery said something about how Snape had been the brains behind the operation.

"Snape? Brains?" Sirius asked with a bark of laughter. "You lot haven't got a single cell of grey matter between the three of you."

"Like any of you got any," Avery retorted, getting his own wand out. Mulciber followed suit, and so did Peter though his hand was shaking. Avery focused on him. "Except maybe Pettigrew. After all, he latched himself onto _you_ two for protection since he can't do anything on his own so there's some thinking there."

"Talking big for someone who's got four to the two of ya," James sneered.

"Only three, really, and one of them's _Pettigrew_ so really just two on two," Mulciber said.

James glanced over in horror. "Remus! Get your wand out!" he hissed out while the Slytherins snickered.

However Remus wasn't listening to him, he was listening to the footsteps coming up the staircase. Suddenly he whipped his hand out, grabbing wands from his friends quicker than anyone there expected Remus to be able to move, and he tucked him them into his sweater just as McGonagall came down the hall.

"What's going on?" she demanded, seeing Mulciber and Avery pointing their wands at four unarmed Gryffindors. "What do you two think you're doing? Five points each from Slytherin!"

Mulciber and Avery glared at Remus as they put their own wands away. "They were threatening us, Professor," Mulciber tried but McGonagall just shook her head.

"No dueling allowed, and no magic in the corridor!"

Mulciber and Avery left, complaining to themselves about stupid Gryffindors and 'that dumb McGonagall' which sent a flare of rage in Remus. _He_ was tempted, in fierce loyalty to his favorite teacher, to just hex the two of them for saying something like that about Professor McGonagall; actually, he would have if she wasn't there.

"Anyone care to tell me what happened?" McGonagall's eyes swept over the four of them. James quickly jumped in, explaining that they had been walking _innocently_ down the hall when the Slytherins came out of no where and started waving their wands, joking that they were gonna hex the Gryffindors. McGonagall eyed him, obviously not completely believing him ("I very much doubt anything you do is innocent, Mr. Potter"), however she let it slide this time.

Once she was gone, the other three rounded on Remus who pulled their wands out of his shirt to give back to them. "How did you _do_ that?!" James demanded, sounding completely awestruck.

"That was _amazing_!" Peter agreed, stars practically in his eyes.

"How did you know she was coming?" Sirius asked, also sounding quite impressed... as well as vaguely suspicious, sending flips in Remus's stomach as those searching eyes appraised him in a terrifying manner.

Remus raised his eyebrows, trying his best to feign surprise. "_You_ didn't hear her coming?"

"N... no..."

"Oh. Must have been too di--distracted, I guess. So _Snape_ did the igloo thing? We need to do s-something about that." There, that would get their attention away from the absolutely foolish thing he had done.

"Yeah!" James said, throwing his arm around Remus's shoulder. "Come on, let's figure out a great way to get back at that stupid git!"

They were thoroughly focused on planning a good prank, forgetting quickly how unnaturally fast Remus's hand had been taking their wands away. Once he was able to get away from them he went into a bathroom, staring at his pale reflection. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _He looked down at his hands, wondering why he had done that. No, he _knew_ why he had done that, to help keep his friends out of trouble but to use his wolf abilities like that in front of other people... It was dangerous... if they thought about it... if Mulciber or Avery thought about it...

Remus felt ill, imagining those two figuring out his secret.

_I need to be more careful._ He looked back at his reflection with a sigh. _A lot more careful_.

*

Monday morning Snape received a letter and when he opened it up, there was an explosion of gold and scarlet powder that clung to his skin and hair. He quickly left the Great Hall (shooting dirty looks towards James and Sirius) but when lunch came around he still had a tint of gold in his hair.

"Course he does," Sirius snickered. "I doubt anything would convince him to wash his hair."

"Probably doesn't even have any shampoo," Peter added.

All of them now giggled. Remus could see Lily frowning at them from a little ways down the table. Had she heard them? Apparently she had, because she left before them and when the four of them left James suddenly doubled over, coughing hard. A second later Sirius had bat bogies attacking him. Remus glanced around, seeing a flash of red hair disappearing down the dungeon stairwell.

"Finite incantatum!" Remus began getting rid of the bats but when he tried to remove the coughing hex off of James, he only managed to lessen it a bit. James had to cough all the way to Defense and get Professor Dedenne to properly get rid of the spell. Lily was somehow already there, looking quite smug.

"_Who did that to us_?" James leaned across the aisle while Dedenne had her back turned, so he could hiss this at his friends.

"_Probably Snape_," Sirius replied.

"_Yeah, who else would have done it?" _Peter whispered.

Remus frowned at the fact they were talking so openly in class, then leaned in as well. "_Let's talk about this after class so we don't--"_

"Is there something you'd like to share, Mr. Lupin?"

He sat upright, gulping as Dedenne came over to his desk, a stern look on her face. "N... nnn-no, Professor..."

She tapped his desk with her wand, flipping open his book to the correct page that was written on the blackboard now. "Five points from Gryffindor. You can gossip with your... friends... later. Today we'll be learning more about hags, then later on we'll be practicing the Knockback jinx for the first time." She marched back to the front of the class, talking while Remus sat boiling with annoyance and shame. Of course he was the one to get caught...

After a long lecture about hags, Dedenne demonstrated how to do the Knockback jinx then asked for someone to come up to the front of the room to try it. Several hands shot up and Dedenne picked Remus. Who _didn't_ have his hand raised.

_I should have put my hand up, I bet she wouldn't have picked me then_, he thought as he went up to her desk. She set up a thin wooden target board about eight inches in height and four in width. Remus easily did the motion he had memorized. "Flipendo!" The target went spinning rather spectacularly through the air, crashing to the floor several feet away. Remus kept his face impassive as he put his wand away, waiting for Dedenne to tell him what he did wrong.

"That was luck," Dedenne told the class. Remus did his best not to roll his eyes. "His arm movement was far too jerky, and his pronunciation was a little off. He's lucky it didn't blow up in his face. Yes, Mr. Potter?"

James lowered his hand. "So how _is_ it pronounced?"

"Flipendo."

"That's what he said though," James argued. Remus curled his fingers, trying to send a telepathic message to James to _please don't do this_! "It sounded exactly the same as you."

Dedenne shook her head, hair bouncing wildly. "I know it probably sounded very similar however it wasn't. Lupin, sit down. Potter, perhaps you'd like to try?"

James cast a curious look at Remus as they passed each other that he did his best to ignore. He sat down miserably as Dedenne set the target up. James performed really well, just slightly short of what Remus did. However Dedenne congratulated him, awarding two points for being able to do so well on his first attempt. For once James didn't soak in the praise. Instead he returned to his seat with a deep frown on his face that Remus did not like one bit.

Sirius and Peter also got awarded for being able to flip the target on their first tries (Peter's actually spun quite nicely even though it didn't go quite as far as his friends' attempts). Lily managed to nudge hers and Colgate actually got hers to tip over; everyone else couldn't do anything. After everyone took their turn at the front of the room, Dedenne put more targets on everyone's desks, having them practice by themselves. Remus's target went flying and he promptly got into trouble as it hit Dedenne's desk ("It almost hit me, you _need_ to be more _careful_!"). Rage swelled inside of him, the wolf stirring. He fought off the urge to just leave the class. He didn't feel any need to be there, nothing he did was right, nothing he did would _ever_ be right. He clenched his teeth hard, concentrating on not letting the emotions get the better of him, concentrating on not letting the tear threatening to drip down to actually leave his eye. He coughed, giving him an excuse to bring his hand to his face to wipe away the bit of wet that leaked onto his cheek.

After Dedenne dismissed everyone, James, Sirius, and Peter all began talking about how Dedenne treated Remus. She had gone far enough this time that he couldn't even find an excuse, try to dampen their questions. He just clung to his bag strap, fingers twisting it around anxiously, hoping they'd just chalk it up to a bad day and move on.

Then Sirius said something that plunged Remus into icy coldness: "You know, she always seems to have something bad to say about Remus." He lifted his eyebrows at Remus who quickly stared down at the floor. "Didn't she give you a bad grade cause you turned it in late, cause you were visiting your sick mum?"

"Yeah, she did," Peter said, butting in before Remus could argue.

"What's she got against you?" James asked.

Remus's breath was sharp, his chest aching. He desperately tried to figure out what to say, how to get through this. "I--I think she knew m--my dad and the--they didn't g-get along at all." He held his breath, praying for a couple of heartbeats until...

"That's _crap_," James grumbled, believing him. "You shouldn't mistreat a _kid_ just cause you hate his father! She's supposed to be a teacher! What a loser."

"It really isn't fair, that's completely wrong," Peter agreed, also believing him.

He waited. He couldn't breathe again until he knew that they all accepted his lie. Except, "Is that really what's going on?" Sirius asked, eyes narrowed. He clearly didn't believe him.

Remus tried not to squirm under Sirius's intense silver eyes. He could feel them burning into him. "What else w-would it be?" he asked as casually as he could. Those silver eyes just stayed on him. "It's no b--big deal..."

"It isn't _fair_," Peter complained. "It's your _grades_ she's messing with and those are important to you, huh?" Remus wanted to retort grades should be important to everyone however he kept his mouth shut. Peter went on with, "_And_ your future."

"Yeah but the position is cursed sooooo I doubt she'll be here long," James said.

Peter stopped in his tracks. "C... cursed...?"

Finally Sirius turned his gaze, lips forming a wicked smile. "Didn't you know? That position is _very_ cursed. Nobody's been able to stay for a few years now. Dedenne is the sixth in as many years; one of them _died_!"

"It's m--merely coincidence," Remus said, glad the conversation sorta shifted.

"Is not," James said. "Bet you a galleon she's gone at the end of the year."

Peter looked expectantly at Remus who just shook his head. "I don't have a galleon if I lose so--I c-can't take that bet."

"Cause you know you'll lose," James said triumphantly.

"I--I don't _know_ I will, I don't _think_ I will but--I can't afford to lose so I won't take the risk."

Now James frowned again. "It's only one galleon, who doesn't have one galleon?"

Remus's face burned and even Peter stared at James in a 'really?' sort of way. Sirius elbowed James who still looked a little confused. Sirius tugged James closer, whispering, "Not everyone's got a vault full of inheritance, dummy." James's eyes roved over Remus--his way-too-big secondhand uniform, his very worn out, grubby trainers about to fall to pieces--then quickly averted his gaze, obviously embarrassed and uncomfortable as he rubbed the back of his head Remus just went even redder, head ducked, fingers plucking at the hem of his sweater.

"Okay how about if you lose, you do some of my summer homework?" James asked, putting a (slightly hopeful) smile back on his face, trying his best to smooth his blunder over.

"O--okay, I'll... take that bet," Remus answered. James pumped his fist victoriously as if he already won which Remus suspected he pretty much did and really it'd be more of a win if he did lose and Dedenne was gone next year.

*

Assuming Snape had put the hexes on them, James and Sirius jumped right into another revenge plan. Since Tuesday afternoons were very open for the first years now, the three others spent a while building a snowman near the main entrance. Remus sat back, watching, not realizing this had anything to do with revenge until James stuck a rather large gourd for the nose, and Sirius put really stringy, greasy looking strips of black paper for the hair. James attached a sign to the snowman's hand. 'Hi! I'm Snivellus the Big Nosed Snowman!'.

"Remus, do you know any spells to make it not melt?" Sirius asked excitedly. "We could put it in the entrance hall!"

"There's definitely spells for that but I don't know any of them," he answered, stretching his legs out.

Sirius tilted his head to one side, eyes big. Remus suspected he knew what this look meant and decided to ignore it. If Sirius wanted something, he needed to come out and ask. After nearly forty seconds of awkward silence Sirius finally went, "Can you figure it out?"

Remus stared at the toes of his boots as he wriggled his feet then began burying them down in the snow. "Figure what out?" he asked lightly, relishing in irritating Sirius. It felt rather delicious hearing the complete annoyance in his voice when he spoke again.

"_Un_melting _snow_ thingie."

Remus gave out a long sigh as if it were too much. "I _suppose_." He looked up suddenly nervous he had pushed too much, that the teasing had gone over that line he couldn't figure out... but Sirius had a cocky grin on his face. "It w-won't be anytime soon, though."

"I know, I know. We're first years and most spells are too advanced," he sighed then flopped into the snow next to Remus. "Like the tripping jinx..." He leaned in closer. "The bat-bogey hex..." He came in even closer now, just an inch or two away from Remus's face, voice a stage whisper now to emphasize what he was getting at. "Like putting spells to go off when someone walks through a door..." His eyes were sparkling. Remus snorted, giving him a light shove.

"I think first years are just as capable as adults." James whumphed down into the snow on the other side of Sirius, and Peter lowered himself next to Remus. "What's stopping us from learning seventh year spells?"

Remus kicked his feet out from under the snow. "Go for it then. I'll visit you in the hospital wing when it goes wrong because you don't have the simple comprehension of the basics and beginnings." He smiled brilliantly at James who glared back.

"All right, point taken."

"You're such a nerd," Sirius told Remus. Remus averted his gaze, figuring that that was teasing also. Right? Was it? It had to be. Nerd could be rude but in this context it wasn't. Was it? Urgh he wished he had a manual to explain this sort of thing! He was probably just overthinking it, as always. Sirius noticed the wrinkles that appeared on Remus's forehead. "In a good way. Remember what I told you that night? The night you finally realized we had to be friends and I gave in?"

"Wait, what?! Th--that's _not_ how it--"

"We _need_ a Nerd among us," Sirius continued, ignoring him. "It's a good thing." He reached over, giving Remus's shoulder a gentle punch.

"Wait, do we have titles or something? Like, if he's the nerd what am I?" Peter asked.

"The Nice Guy," Sirius replied without hesitation. Peter looked beyond ecstatic. His entire face glowed and his ears went quite red. "Wait--WAIT!" Sirius jerked forward, back ramrod straight. "Ohhh, I am a _genius_! Except..." He turned to Remus, grabbing his arm. "I need a word that means nice guy but starts with a B."

"Wh--why?"

"I just _do_!" Sirius whined. "A word to describe Pete that starts with a B, like not a long word or multiple words, a simple word."

Remus frowned then looked at Peter. "Um. Er. There's not that ma-many. Let me think. Um. B...enign? Er, blithe maybe? Bubbly...?"

Sirius waited and when Remus didn't go on he said, "Is that it?"

"There's really not much that's simple. Why?"

Sirius stretched his arms out towards James. "Brawn." He poked his fingers into his face on either side of his wide smile. "Beauty." He flourished his hands at Remus. "Brain. Annnd..." He waved his hand towards Peter. "We need something for him too. Blithe works I think. Brawn, Beauty, Brain, and Blithe. Yeah! That sounds good! Oooh! We could call ourselves the Four Bs."

James groaned. "That is _such_ a stupid group name, you _really_ need to stop. But--the nicknames are nice." He began flexing. "Yeah. Brawn. I like it."

"Isn't Sirius stronger than you?" Peter asked.

James scowled. "Yeah, but I'm the _athletic_ one. The _Quidditch_ player. It only makes sense."

"I don't really like Blithe though, it sounds kinda girly," Peter complained.

"Yeah, and do you _really_ want to go around calling yourself Beauty?" James teased Sirius.

"Why not?" He pressed his hand dramatically to his chest, tossing his beautiful black locks back. "I _am_ the best looking first year!"

James rolled his eyes. "You're Beauty _and_ the Beast all rolled into one."

"Oi!" Sirius tackled James and the two began rolling around in the snow, wrestling.

"BEAST! BEAST!" James shouted. "Brawn, Brain, Blithe, and BEASTLY!"

"Yeah well you're--brug--"

James stopped fighting, staring at Sirius. "Dude, _what_?"

Sirius pulled away, laughing. "Er. Tried to say Brute and Thug at the same time."

"Brug," Peter snickered.

"New nickname for the Slytherins, then," James decided. "Call'em Brugs."

Remus marveled at how quickly the argument between Sirius and James had been forgotten by the two; they were all smiles now, enjoying thinking up mashed up words to throw at the Slytherins. Finally Remus suggested they all go inside. It was cold out, and did they want to be seen next to their Snape-Snowman? He knew Snape would figure out who had done it as soon as he heard about it, but still. The others agreed so they got up and went inside, stomping and shaking snow off them, then running off as fast as they could (except Remus who held himself back, running only at a pace he thought believable) when Filch showed up to yell at them for making a mess.


	49. Chapter Forty-Eight - Anxiety Attack

When Remus went into his Occlumency room he found Ms. Fawley standing by the window, hands wrapped around the top of her cane. She was facing the window, though he knew she couldn't see so he wasn't quite sure what she was doing. She turned when she heard him, and smiled.

"Good evening." She tapped her cane as she went to the couch. "How was your week?"

"Pretty good," Remus replied, sitting down next to her. "It sn--snowed a lot so I've been... out in it..."

"With your friends?" she asked. He mumbled incoherently as a response. "I'm not _judging_ you for having friends, Remus. I may not think it's safe, however I certainly don't judge you."

When they began their lesson one of the memories... or rather, thoughts that were foremost on his mind went to her, and after she broke connection she gave a little sigh. Remus rubbed his head, waiting for her to respond. _I'm starting to not understand what's so risky about having friends_.

"I don't think they--they'll figure out," he blurted before she could say anything, since she was taking so long. "James and Sirius are far too f-focused on pranks and causing mischief and--and Peter..." He trailed off, not wanting to insult Peter by calling him a little on the doltish side.

Fawley folded her hands in her lap. "I think you're giving your friends too little credit. From what I've seen, Potter and Black are rather astute. Besides, Black watches you. You perhaps haven't noticed so much, however going through your memories... I can see more than just _you_. I can see what's around you which includes him. Watching you."

"He d-d-doesn't watch me, not anymore!" Remus protested.

Fawley pressed her lips together. "Let's try something. Focus on last night. When you were studying in your dorm room..."

Remus frowned, but obeyed, closing his eyes. Fawley put her fingertips against his head and he was pulled into the memory. Unlike the usual flipbook, this one stayed. He saw himself stretched out on his bed, reading his Transfiguration book, working on calculations. On Sirius's bed sat Sirius and James, playing cards. Peter was sitting on the floor between their beds, reading a comic book. To Remus's surprise... Sirius kept looking over at Remus-on-the-bed. His eyes staring. Watching.

Then suddenly they were in another memory, one he hadn't even been thinking of. As if Fawley could go through his head like a book. It was History class. Remus was sitting up, taking notes while Binns droned on. He sat in the front, and Sirius was a seat behind him. Usually Sirius slept through History however this time while his arms were folded over his desk with his head resting against them, his eyes were open and were definitely focused on the back of Remus's head. Watching.

Then another memory. Remus and Lily were walking down a corridor together, to their next class. The three boys were walking a little ways behind them. James and Peter were talking, however Sirius was yet again watching Remus, his eyes snapping away only when Remus turned to look at his friends, to ask them something.

Then they were back in the fourth floor classroom, on the purple sofa. Fawley's hands were withdrawing from his head. "Those were just three examples however I could give you more."

"N... no..."

He didn't understand. Why was Sirius watching him so much? Did he--did he think something was going on? Did he guess? Remus began chewing at his thumbnail, heart pounding. He jumped as Fawley's hand came back to him, however she just rested it on his arm.

"There's no way to know whether he's figured it out. I... believe he hasn't. If he has, I'm sure he would have done something. Said something to someone. If you ask me, I think he suspects that there is something different about you. If you aren't careful... he _will_ finally reach the truth."

Remus shuddered, withdrawing from her hand. "He..." But there was nothing he could say to explain it. There was only one reason for Sirius to be doing this, and that _was_ suspicion. Knowing that Remus really wasn't normal, or possibly human... Had he--seen something? Had Remus let something through a crack once? Something he said? Something he did? His hand blurring as he snatched the wands...? Hiding under his bed all the time? Or was it really his disappearance around the full moon?

"Even if I--I stop--being friends--he'll..."

"He'll still watch you," Fawley agreed.

"What do I?" Remus stared in horror at Fawley, feeling as though a great big wave was coming for him, looming above him. He could _see_ it, rushing towards him, ready to pull him down to some icy depths. "How do I--do I be _normal_?" He almost felt Sirius's eyes on him now, those burning silver eyes. A few tears welled up, and Remus covered his face. He had been so stupid to become friends with them! Stupid!

"Calm down. Remus. Come on now, calm down. It's all right--"

"It isn't," he whimpered.

Fawley began stroking his arm. "I've frightened you. That wasn't my intent. I merely wanted you to be more aware of your surroundings, of your friends."

Remus tucked his thumb back in his mouth, nibbling at the nail. "Wh... what if you..." He fell silent, not wanting to continue.

"Look in his head?" Fawley asked. "That would be wrong to do."

"Y--yeah, I know that--that's why I d--didn't finish the sentence," he said, looking away, wishing _he_ could see into Sirius's head and know what was going on.

"Are you wanting to try again or would you rather end for the night?" Fawley inquired.

Remus sucked in some air, trying to let his emotions and thoughts ebb away. "I'd rather con-continue, please." Fawley started to reach out then he hesitated and jerked back. "W--wait a minute." A thought had popped into his head. _What if Sirius is a Legilimens? What if that's why he's staring at me so much? Dumbledore made that joke about someone staring at me but--what if Sirius is, and he's trying to get inside my head? _"C--could someone learn... this... at my age...? N--not the Occlumency, but the Legilimency? If they're a--a natural one?"

Fawley tucked her hand under her chin, one finger curled across in a thoughtful manner. "Perhaps. You're wondering if he is?"

"Y... yes."

"It's--it's a possibility. If he is a naturally born Legilimens and his family knew, they're the sort to certainly train him. That would be a power the Blacks would love to have. A natural Legilimens. Have you felt anyone trying to get in, outside our lessons?"

"N... no, not to my knowledge." He scooted back closer to her. "At least, I've not f-felt anything like what happens here. The--the going through m-my head."

Fawley touched his cheek. "You'd know if he was in your head. Ready?"

Remus nodded, and they were dragged through several memories without him being able to fight it off at all. They did it again, and again until Fawley ended the lesson at fifteen till. Remus's head pounded hard. He clutched it as he said goodbye, heading back to the tower. He didn't feel up to being around his friends although they certainly did. They followed him up to the dorm, chattering about their evening, and this, and that, and Remus's head felt like it was going to explode. His skin began crawling as he felt that penned in feeling again. It felt a lot like after the stupid Slug party. He was only mildly aware that he was trembling. Their voices were like knives scraping at his brain, and he knew he needed to be alone, but didn't know how to do go about doing that. He was half tempted to just go under his bed and cocoon himself in a blanket except he knew if he did it'd just be _weird _and he had to be super careful now, more than ever before--he had to be as human as he possibly could because of Sirius. He couldn't _do_ that, couldn't--he couldn't, it would be _weird_. Different. Not normal. He had to be _normal_!

He didn't know what to do... and he began to panic.

Sirius was the first to notice Remus's ragged breathing. "Hey, you okay?" He put a hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus jerked back, giving a slight gasp of surprise. "Whoa! Hey, didn't mean to startle you."

James and Peter were looking at Remus curiously now too. "You've gotten real pale there," Peter said.

"Oh Merlin, are you, uh, having a, um, a--one of those--your--you getting all sick?" James stumbled over his own words as worry wrapped itself around him.

"You're breathing weird," Peter added, as Remus's breathing got rather wheezy. It was hard for him to breathe, actually.

Remus almost said no then he changed his mind. "I--don't feel good." It wasn't a lie. He definitely didn't feel good. He didn't know what was wrong, though, and that scared him. Perhaps it'd be best if he _did_ go to Pomfrey. He probably should have gone after the party but hindsight. Now, he could go. Figure out what this horrible scraping was. Plus hide away from his friends.

It was like a switch went off in James who immediately took charge. "Let's get you to Pomfrey. Siri, get his bag in case he needs to be there overnight like he normally does. Do you need help walking?"

"N... no..."

"Come on."

James led the way, Sirius next to Remus, Peter trailing. They didn't all need to be there and Remus felt like he wanted to _scream_ for them surrounding him like this, it was making him feel even worse. However none of them were gonna leave him which turned out to be a good thing because as they went down a flight of stairs, Remus was hit hard with dizziness, pitching forward. Sirius grabbed him, nearly tumbling as well, but managing to yank Remus back against him, and they fell backwards against the steps instead of down them.

"Merlin!" Sirius helped Remus to his feet then put an arm around him, helping him carefully down the rest of the steps.

None of them talked after that, just focused on getting Remus to Pomfrey. On the third floor they ran into a prefect who started to tell them off for being out after curfew. James straightened his shoulders and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Our friend needs to get to the hospital wing."

Remus's whole body was shaking at that point, relying on Sirius to keep him upright. He resisted the urge to scream, to push his friends away, to _run_, to _hide_, to just--stop, stop _everything_! His fingers twitched as he wanted to start scratching himself again to stop the scraping feeling on his skin. His eyesight wasn't working quite either. It sorta felt like he was being squeezed, pushed through something narrow.

The prefect frowned and then guided them the rest of the way to the wing, so nobody else would cut them off. Inside the hospital wing, Sirius got Remus onto a bed while James called for Madame Pomfrey.

"He's gotten sick again," James said as soon as she came out of her office.

She raised her eyebrows at Remus. "I see. All right, the rest of you go on out." Sirius set Remus's school bag on the floor next to him, and the three of them obeyed the nurse. She closed the curtains then turned to face Remus, hands on her hips. "What happened?"

"D-d-don't know," he whispered, hugging himself, rocking back and forth. "I had a headache and--and then I started feeling panicked and upset and--and then I c-c-couldn't breathe and I--I g-got dizzy..."

"Do you still feel this way?"

"S--sort of. Mostly. Can't see well. Squeezing."

Pomfrey came over to feel his forehead. "Did anything trigger this?"

"Trigger?"

"What was going on when you started feeling this way? Lie down." He licked his lips before nervously unfolding his body, stretching out on the bed. He told her about being in the dorm, how he felt. Pomfrey nodded and took some of his vitals, writing everything down. Once she was done, she sat down in the chair next to his bed. "Have you ever had anything like this happen before?"

"S--sort of. Yeah. At th--the Slug Club Ch--Christmas party it w-w-was like this." He was already starting to feel a little better now that he wasn't surrounded by people. He told her this, as well as that's how it was with the party: once he left to hide out in the dorms he started feeling less... less... "Like I'm b-b-being buried alive," he finally got out, not sure if that really was right or not.

"I think you've suffered an anxiety attack," Pomfrey said. "Your body kicked into a sort of fight or flight mentality. It sounds like being around your friends is what pushed you ever the edge..."

"I w-w-wanted to be alone but didn't know how to--to get rid of them without--making them--suspicious," he admitted. He did _not_ want to say that it was cause he realized how _dumb_ he was for being... _casual_, he thought miserably, remembering his father's warning.

Pomfrey nodded and then fetched some pajamas as well as a potion. "If you'd like to stay here tonight, feel free. Here, take this."

"It m...might help," he admitted then swigged down the potion. To his surprise, he felt something calm and relaxing creeping through his body. He felt a _lot_ better. He drifted into one of the bathrooms to get changed and then spent the rest of the evening studying until Pomfrey threatened to throw his text book out the window if he didn't get some sleep.

*

_Sirius was a Legilimens, able to slip into Remus's head. He perused through Remus's memories almost casually, pulling out the ones of him as a werewolf to show off to James and Peter. They pointed their fingers at Remus, calling him a freak, a monster, that they knew, they always knew he was so different, so _wrong_. Sirius grabbed Remus and, with his broad smile on his face, shoved Remus down a flight of steps. At the bottom were silver spikes. Just as he was about to hit him--_

He woke up screaming. "NO! NO! NO!" He thrashed against the blanket and then began freaking out because he didn't know where he was. He fell off the bed, rolling underneath, wrapping the blanket around himself, whimpering. As a light turned on, flooding the room, he remembered he was in the hospital wing.

He saw fluffy beige slippers hurrying to his bed. "Mr. Lupin? Remus?" Pomfrey sounded quite panicked, then yelped as Remus pushed himself out from under the bed. She helped him back onto the bed. "What happened?"

"N... n...n-nightmare," he managed to get out, feeling so sick. He curled into a little ball on the bed, wanting to disappear. For a brief moment he thought he should have never come back after the holidays. His parents were _right_. His fears had been right, he couldn't pass himself off as--as... human... "Sss--s--ss--sorry..."

Pomfrey pulled the blanket up over his small body. "Don't you worry, dear. Is there anything that can help you sleep?"

"Th... that potion you g-gave me earlier made me f--feel a little calm for a while..."

She disappeared and returned with another vial. "It's a relaxation potion, though best not to be used too often. Just a little, to help you sleep."

He drank it down, calming down once more almost as soon as it got to his stomach. He thanked the nurse then curled back up, a few tears squeezing out. He felt so--pathetic. Useless. Problem-causing. A burden. He was just glad nobody else was in the hospital wing tonight. He heard Pomfrey retreat to her rooms, and he adjusted himself so he could pull one of the pillows down, hugging it tightly. That helped him feel a little better too.

_I miss Gwyllgi_, he thought miserably. He knew if he brought his childhood stuffed animal with him he'd be teased mercilessly, however he really, really wanted to snuggle with it. _That's one perk of being home_, he thought rather hazily before finally drifting back to sleep.

*

Remus ate breakfast in the hospital wing and was excused from Charms; Madame Pomfrey sent a note to Flitwick. However while class was in session Remus went up to the Gryffindor tower to take a shower and get dressed for Herbology. His friends were all very happy to see him however he was even happier when he noticed spending some time alone meant they didn't grate at him like they had the night before. After class, he thanked them for helping him out, also apologizing for causing so much trouble. Of course they promised he was no trouble, didn't need to apologize, blah-blah-blah. Remus just smiled, not believing them for a second.

Lily wanted to know what happened since apparently, "Those idiots wouldn't tell me anything!" so Remus just said he had a minor relapse, nothing major, he just needed some medicine, and rest and relaxation. Lily's forehead wrinkled up. "Should you be in classes, then? Today?"

"It was j-just a small thing," he promised. "I'm fine now. And if it g-gets to be too much, I c-can leave class."

*

That night after Astronomy he had another nightmare. It was similar to the one he had in the hospital wing only instead when Sirius pulled out the memories of Remus being a werewolf, it turned Remus _into_ a wolf. _He paced around the room they were in, slobbering and snapping at his friends. Sirius pulled out a potion. "This will calm you down!" he said and threw it at Remus. Remus caught it in his jaws and bit down, sending glass and liquid everywhere. Only it wasn't a potion. It was liquid silver and it began burning his mouth, his throat, his stomach. He collapsed to the ground suddenly human again, twitching and howling in pain until silvery blood began bubbling out of his mouth and--_

Remus woke up screaming, soaked in sweat. As soon as his scream died, his hands flew to his mouth as if expecting the silvery, frothy blood to be coming out. He jerked forward onto all fours, coughing into his hand. He couldn't see too well. There was only a tiny sliver of moon outside and with his curtains shut it was pretty dark. Just as his eyes started adjusting, his curtains opened.

Silver glowed at him.

Remus jerked back, giving a tiny cry of fear before realizing it was Sirius's eyes in the dim light. "Wh--what are you d-d-d-doing?" Remus asked, his voice rather hoarse.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at the other beds then climbed onto Remus's bed, shutting the curtains. "I heard you screaming." He knelt in front of Remus, voice full of concern.

Remus clenched his teeth, remembering that Sirius hadn't had the absorption spells put on his bed. It had been a month since that conversation, Remus had almost forgotten. "How?" he asked, since he wasn't supposed to know.

Sirius's face went dark as he blushed, and began rubbing the back of his head. "Er, uh, well, my--my curtains were open."

"Liar."

"All right, so I didn't have the spell put on my bed," Sirius grouched as he adjusted his position so he was sitting down next to Remus.

Remus sat down as well, cross-legged, feeling extremely weird to be sitting on his bed with someone else, with the curtains closed. It kinda felt like a cage. "Why not?" he demanded, finally able to ask the question that had plagued him before Christmas.

Sirius began running his fingers through his hair and then smoothing it back down. "Does it matter?"

"Yes! The--the whole p-point is for me to not wake you lot up!"

Even in the dim light Remus could see how tense Sirius's jaw was. "I'm just trying to help..."

"Maybe I don't need your help," Remus snapped without even thinking, then immediately regretted his words.

Sirius's eyes blazed. "You certainly seem to need a lot of help!"

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You're not exactly..." Sirius trailed off. Remus waited, arms folded, shoulders tense. "Never mind."

"No, go on. Say it."

"No."

"Say it!"

"You're not exactly _strong_! Or healthy! Or--" He stopped and then shook his head rather violently. "What's wrong with needing help?"

"I don't, that's what!"

"There's nothing wrong with needing h--"

"I DON'T NEED HELP!" Remus yelled then covered his mouth with his hands, terrified for a split second he had woken the others up, then remembered the spells on his curtains.

Sirius's temper flared up. "Fine then! Next time you almost faint down the stairs, I should just _let_ you."

"Well--if you guys hadn't been there it wouldn't have been so bad!" Remus snarled right back.

Sirius reeled back, mouth hanging open slightly. "Wh... what?"

"Nothing."

"What did that mean?" Now Remus couldn't look at him. He felt disgusted with himself for saying that, for starting this argument. His stomach churned and he wanted to cry. "C'mon then. What did you mean by that?" He was furious.

Remus shifted around, uncrossing his legs then pulling his knees up to his chest, ducking his head down, hair covering most his face. He didn't want to say it... but... he sorta also did. "Sometimes it's hard, okay?" He was whispering so softly he wasn't sure if Sirius could hear his confession. "Being around you three."

"Oh." Sirius sounded very hurt by that.

"Not--not like that. I like... being your friend... but... sometimes it just--gets to me. Like. It's too much, having to talk and be around people. Not just you. Anyone, really. Even talking to Pomfrey was itchy and discomforting."

Sirius was silent for several seconds. "Why?"

"I don't know. It just feels that way sometimes. I'm not used to people. Remember? And--and it just--" He burst into tears, unable to stop.

"Oh--oh Merlin, no--don't cry. Hey. Hey." Sirius got back on his knees to get closer and very stiffly pat Remus's shoulder. "I didn't mean to upset you!"

Remus shook his head, burying his face in his arms. Now he could feel nothing but humiliation at Sirius watching him cry like this. He was making the other boy very uncomfortable, he sensed that. Smelled it. He wanted to apologize for being so screwed up and broken and _wrong_, but couldn't say the words, couldn't _risk_ saying those words. He wished he could. Wished he had someone his own age to be honest with. It wasn't as if he could say these things to McGonagall, or Fawley, or definitely not his parents. He wanted someone to _connect_ with. A friend, who knew.

He sort of wished Sirius knew.

But he could never know.

"Sorry," Remus hiccuped after a minute or so, he wasn't sure how long he had been crying really; time wasn't really working right in his head. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's my fault. You don't have to apologize--"

"I'm still sorry." He wiped his face off on his pajama sleeves then finally looked back up. "Look. Uh. Thank you for--for trying to help. I'm sorry I snapped at you, it's j-just been a long day."

"Yeah..." Sirius sat back on his heels, giving a shaky smile. "I kinda snapped too. I'm sorry." Now that the fight was over, the apologies made, the air was full of absolute awkwardness. "I should uh..."

"Yeah," Remus agreed.

Sirius slipped out of the bed and then paused. "Um, I can ask McGonagall to put the spell on my bed if you want. But if you don't, uh, mind... I mean, if you ever need someone to talk to after your nightmares I don't mind. At all. Honest, I don't."

Remus tugged at his bottom lip then slowly his shoulders rose and fell. "I'd rather n-not wake anyone up however that's entirely your decision."

"Not _entirely_, cause it involves you too, doesn't it?"

Remus looked away. "I d-d-don't mind," he finally whispered. He could _feel_ Sirius smiling. "G--goodnight."

"G'nite, Remy."


	50. Chapter Forty-Nine - Jirius

Remus felt exhausted in the morning. Between Astronomy, his nightmare, and talking (and crying) he just didn't get much sleep at all. At least his second morning class was History which wasn't exactly taxing.

Sirius seemed a little distant all breakfast. He talked to Remus plenty enough however Remus could sense something was off. No, not 'something'. It was last night. He just wasn't sure what to do about it. Did Sirius think Remus was still mad? Was Sirius still mad? He didn't _smell_ angry...

Remus felt agitated all through Transfiguration and by the time History started, he had a headache. He tapped his quill against his paper, thinking, then finally scrawled out a note, each word carefully chosen.

_I'm really sorry for anything I said last_ _night._

"Locomotor parchment," he whispered, having to glance back to shoot the paper onto Sirius's desk.

Sirius jumped a little, startled. Remus heard him open the note and then the sound of quill scratching. Then a wad of paper was tossed over Remus's shoulder, onto his desk.

_its fine no harm no fowl - SB_

Remus blinked at the message, trying not to laugh. He then thought of what to say back. He wanted to say the right things, he just didn't know what they were.

_I like being your friend. I really hope that what I said didn't make it sound like I didn't. I don't mind having someone to talk to after I have a nightmare either. I just feel guilty for bothering people. Besides, don't you need your "Beauty" sleep? PS: It's 'No Harm No Foul' not fowl, and clearly I caused _some_ harm, didn't I?_

Since Sirius was now expecting a note, Remus just twisted his arm back to slip it to him. It took a good five minutes to get a response.

_i just got upset cuz i was worried you were just gonna push us away again like you used to bfor we were friends - SB PS dont judge me for my farm maybe i have chickens you dont know that_

Then just as Remus was about to respond, he got another note.

_its ok if you need time alone by the way if we get to be too much for you just tell us ok? its **ok** \- SB_

This caused Remus to pause, and chew at his quill as he figured out what to say.

_I know everyone thinks I'm crazy and I don't want to do anything to exacerbate that. PS: Congratulations on knowing that chickens are indeed fowls._

Remus got three notes this time.

_your not crazy & we dont think you are - SB_

_wat in merlins name does excarbate mean - SB_

Then finally the third had a very well drawn chicken on it with a bubble coming out of its mouth, and in the bubble was the word **NERD**.

_Everyone else thinks I am, and I know that all three of you probably have thought it at some time or another. I'm not angry about it. I understand why you might think that. I just don't want to EXACERBATE it which you had right in front of you, written out, and you STILL misspelled it? Exacerbate means to make a problem or situation worse, in a negative way. PS: Why are you signing all your notes? I know perfectly well it's you._

_did you ever be in st mungos? - SB PS Sirius does what Sirius wants - SB (had to sign it twice in case you didnt know who you were writing to maybe jimmy took over my seat you ever think of that?)_

Remus stared at this note, heart pounding. He carefully dipped his quill into his ink pot and even more carefully wrote out a reply, hoping his lies would seem believable.

_I have never stayed there for myself. I've been there before for my mother's health. Mine has never been bad enough to wind up there. I've never been for my mental health though, if that's what you're asking. Also I _do_ recognize your handwriting._

Sirius sent two responses. The first, in his normal handwriting: _im sorry i shouldnt have asked - SB_ and then the second, in horrible handwriting: _dunno what you mean bout my writing - JP_

Remus had to cover his mouth to prevent himself from laughing.

_It's okay to ask. If I didn't want to answer I wouldn't have. I'd rather be asked than have people spread gossip. - Remus J. Lupin_

Back in Sirius's normal calligraphy: _how come you dont just yell at people when they say it? plus __wuts the J stand for? - Peter_

Remus didn't even hesitate with a response: _Because shouting that I'm not crazy just makes me look crazier. And __it stands for Jirius. Remus Jirius Lupin. - SB_

Sirius bust up at that one. Binns faltered in his lecture, blinking at Sirius. He bent over his desk, snorting and snickering while. Remus sat up in his seat, trying his best to look innocent. Binns just began droning again, as if nothing happened. Remus slumped down, hand over his face, shoulders shaking now from silent laughter.

*

To Remus's horror, Sirius talked to James and Peter sometime when Remus was away because right after curfew, the four were in their dorm and James told Remus it was fine if he needed 'alone time', that he just needed to say when he did. Remus bit his lip, eyeing Sirius who at least looked a little embarrassed. Remus just thanked them, keeping his tone polite.

He considered writing to his parents and asking if they knew anything about anxiety attacks but didn't want them knowing he had had one; he _couldn't_ tell them why, that's for sure! Earlier, after Potions, he had gone to the library to try and research them in some medical books though was unable to find any information. He wasn't sure if it was a real medical thing or not, or something connected to his curse. Surely normal humans didn't totally freak out and feel all shaky and sweaty and upset and felt like their skin was being scraped when they were around their friends, did they? Was that part of the attack, or something else? Or did it _cause_ the attack?

He was still thinking about this the following day. Then guilt ate away at him when he received a long letter from his mother, mostly about how much she missed him, and he _was_ coming home for the Easter holidays, wasn't he? Included were a dozen sugar cookies in the shape of snowflakes. Because it was Peter's birthday, Remus gave him six of them which excited Peter. Remus gave James, Sirius, and Lily one each, broke up one for Arthur, keeping two for himself.

During lunch, some third year came over to the four of them to tell them they liked their Special Snowmen out in the main courtyard. Then he walked off laughing. Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus exchanged looks and then took off to the courtyard, wondering what the heck that meant. They were still fairly bundled up since the class right before lunch was Herbology, so when they burst into the snow it wasn't too awful.

In the courtyard were four snowmen of varying heights all with signs on them. From tallest to smallest: Barmy, Pratty, Pokey, Loopy. All of them wore Gryffindor scarves except for Barmy who had a Slytherin scarf on.

Sirius stormed over, yanking the green-and-silver scarf off his snowman, throwing it to the ground, stomping on it, grinding it down into the snow before spitting on it. Then he tried to push over the snowman to no avail. He dug his feet into the ground, pushing as hard as he could. James came over to help push, and Peter and Remus joined him. There was some strong spell on it as it wouldn't be knocked down. Remus thought perhaps if he ran full tilt with full werewolf strength he might he able to but of course he couldn't do that in front of anyone, so he just stood back chewing at his fingernails.

Peter turned and tried to rip the Pokey sign down off his snowman but it was stuck hard too. He backed up, lower lip quivering. He gave the snowman a kick then turned away, arms folded. James put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing a bit. "Ignore it, they're all _jerks,_" he said firmly. Peter nodded though his lip still quivered. "Ugh, _Pratty_?" He glared at his and then angrily pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "I am not _pratty_!"

"How're we supposed to get rid of them?" Sirius complained and then, like Peter, kicked at his snowman. "What sort of--"

"Incendio!" Remus pointed his wand at his snowman, and a burst of fire came out, hitting the thing. The parchment blazed up, the snowman began melting. "Incendio! Incendio! Incendio!" All four snowman began shrinking down, turning to water, the parchment long gone. Remus tucked his wand back into his robes while the others grinned at him.

"Annnnd that's why _you're_ Brains," James said, looking quite sheepish.

"How come you didn't use that on the candles in that empty classroom the other day?" Sirius inquired as they headed back into the castle.

"I didn't know it at that point," Remus answered. "I started practicing after."

"Ooh, I've got an idea--" Sirius started. Remus _knew_ exactly what Sirius was thinking, and stopped in his tracks to point at him. "No," Remus interrupted. "We're not setting Snape on fire."

Sirius just pouted the rest of the way back to the Great Hall.

*

The bat-bogey hex had been picked up by other students and Remus began to grow paranoid he'd be randomly attacked with the hex. He resisted the urge to walk around with his hand covering his nose. All he thought whenever he saw someone being hexed was _fatal to non-humans_. It probably wouldn't _kill_ him, but he was definitely more than a little panicked it would do something different (possibly bad) to him and people would find out. Saturday he spent almost all his free time in the library, the one safe spot he could think of, and after curfew he hid out in his dorm... under his bed, for extra safety.

The next day Remus woke up early to wait near the Great Hall for McGonagall. "P--Professor!" He jumped to his feet when she came down the steps, and hurried over. "Can I talk to you privately, for a moment?"

"Of course." She turned back up the steps, and he followed her to her office. "Is everything all right?"

"Y... yes... I think so. Maybe. I don't know." He sat down, not really sure how to even begin to talk about his latest paranoia. She waited patiently and finally after much shifting and squirming, he began talking again. "A lot of students are playing around with the bat-bogey hex," he said.

"I've noticed that it seems to be the latest fad in jinxes," she sighed, looking faintly disgusted. "I also have my suspicions of who _started_ this particular craze," she added with a piercing look at him.

Remus ducked his head. "Er. Well. Uh, in the--in the book, Miss Goshawk says that to--to use the hex on... on..." His voice dropped into a vaguely panicked whisper now. "On non-humans could be dangerous or--or fatal..."

McGonagall lifted one eyebrow as she folded her hands on her desk. "Yes. From what I understand, there is actually a petition going around the Ministry to make it a punishable offense. Has someone done it on a pet?"

Remus stared down at his lap, his fingers twitching a little. "N... no. I'm just... I don't know... See, the thing is... Well, it does say..." He couldn't bring himself to say it, ducking his head even more. "I'm--I'm not--I don't know--"

"Ahh. You're worried what would happen if someone hexed you," she said gently and Remus slowly nodded. "I--I must admit, I'm not quite sure what would happen either."

This was somehow even harder to get out. "Couldyouuseitonmesowecansee?" McGonagall actually looked startled at this, then just stared at Remus. "I thought--"

"I most certainly will not! Mr. Lupin, it could be _very_ dangerous and I am _not_ going to even _consider_ the possibility of causing potential harm to _any_ of my students!"

Remus leaned forward, brow furrowed. "But what if someone hits me with it and something happens?"

"I don't know. I'll speak to Albus about banning the hex..." Remus remained silent. Banning the hex wouldn't do a darn thing about its popularity except maybe make it even _more_ popular. "Mr. Filch has already been after him about it, having to clean up far too many..." McGonagall trailed off, her nose crinkling slightly. "...snot spots left over. I certainly hope the _next_ jinx that comes into popularity is far less repulsive. Hopefully far less dangerous than some others I've seen."

"What have you seen?" Remus's inner prankster perked its ears.

McGonagall just smiled. "I have the feeling telling _you_ would result in such ones becoming popular again, at least among two particular troublesome Gryffindors."

"You know I could never tell them about this conversation," he pointed out, wanting to know.

McGonagall drummed her fingers against her desk, and gave in. "When I was a little older than you, there was a very dangerous mania for physically transfiguring various body parts of other students. It began after one rather _rude_ Ravenclaw had a beak for nearly ten days."

"What started that?" Remus asked though he already knew the answer.

"I haven't the faintest," McGonagall replied lightly. "In any case, I will add my voice to Mr. Filch's about trying to put a stop to this, and while I doubt anything would happen if you were hit with this spell, all I can offer is that you need to be very careful in the mean time."

"Yes, Professor."

He left her office, _really_ wishing he could share with his friends the fact Professor McGonagall had given someone a beak out of revenge for something, as a young teenager! Absolutely _brilliant!_

*

That afternoon their group got hit with the hex just before dinner. Sirius took the spell then another one got Peter. Remus began panicking and dove behind Sirius, frantic to remain un-hexed. The bogies attacking his friends weren't very big or vicious, and the culprits were just some Hufflepuff first years--not any of their rivals, so it wasn't anything meant to be mean. James shot a spell back at the group, the one Remus had come up with. The Hufflepuffs all squealed and went nuts as a hairy bogey bat climbed out of one of the girl's noses, flapping around.

"Hey that's awesome, howdja do _that_?" one of the boys exclaimed, excited. Remus thought his surname was Hill or Harris or something like that.

"Trade secret," James called back, running his fingers through his hair, puffing his chest out. "Patented trademark of Misters Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew!"

The Hufflepuffs came over. There were several shouts of Finite Incantatum! and the bogies all splattered to the ground. "We could show you how to get into the kitchens, if you show us," the main boy said, looking at the glop of booger and hair on the floor. James had to get rid of it, since none of the Hufflepuffs had managed.

"You know where they are?" Pete asked eagerly.

Remus peered around Sirius's side. "I know where they are."

"How do _you_ know where they are?" the Hufflepuff demanded.

"How come you haven't _told_ us?!" Sirius said, very put out.

Remus shrugged, not wanting to admit the truth, that it had been from trying to avoid them. "Er, t--trade secret," he mumbled and James snorted.

"Well--can't you tell us anyway? Please?" All the Hufflepuffs looked at them with huge, pleading eyes.

James rubbed his chin then yanked his friends in for a huddle. "I've already made up my mind," he whispered, "not to tell them but we gotta make it look like we're all considering it."

"Why not just tell'em?" Pete asked then yelped in pain as Sirius elbowed him. "What's _that_ for?"

"It's _our_ spell," Sirius hissed. "Remus came up with it, he's the one that worked it out, we should keep it to ourselves for now."

"Yup, exactly," James said.

"If it's _my_ spell, shouldn't _I_ decide?" Remus found both hazel and grey eyes staring at him in disbelief and betrayal. "At least _ask_ me."

"He--he's got a point," Sirius whispered reluctantly.

James scowled. "All right then, what's your opinion?"

Remus smiled. "I think we should keep it to ourselves. I'd just like to be asked."

James grinned back, tousling Remus's hair. "Thattaboy!" The four of them straightened up and returned to the Hufflepuffs. "Sorry, we're not ready to divulge all our personal spells yet."

Hill-or-Harris folded his arms. "That's not very nice!"

James shrugged and slung his arm around Sirius's shoulders. "Too bad."

There was a heartbeat of silent tension, a heartbeat of everyone knowing what was coming, then the spells went flying. There were five Hufflepuffs and four Gryffindors. Two Gryffindors really. Peter was cowering, while Remus was primarily using the shielding spell, putting all his focus into that--though very quickly realized the spells being flung out were mostly dueling and not the bat-bogey. He didn't want to get involved with the dueling but he didn't want to abandon Sirius and James so he joined in.

The duel was very first year, nothing very spectacular, and because the Hufflepuffs outnumbered the Gryffindors they got the upper hand; however almost as soon as they did, they heard voices down the hall. Adults. Immediately the students scattered, James grabbing Peter as they took off running opposite way the Hufflepuffs went.

"You idiot, you were supposed to be helping us!" James snarled as he hauled Peter along.

"I c-c-couldn't remember any sp--spells!" Peter whined as he tripped and stumbled.

Sirius was laughing. "Tha' wa' g'ea!" His tongue was quite swollen, protruding from his mouth, making it difficult for him to talk.

Remus struggled to keep up. He had been hit with a couple of jelly-leg curses but they hadn't been very strong. He could still stand, though was very wobbly and kept nearly falling over. Finally Sirius locked an arm around him, helping him keep up, until they got into a quiet side passage where they could hide out for a while.

The four of them collapsed onto the ground, Sirius laughing so hard now he had tears running down his eyes. He was trying to say something but none of them could even begin to translate it, so he gave up and just laughed some more, clearly pleased with the battle.

"We woulda won if you woulda helped!" James was snapping at Peter, shaking him a bit. At first Remus thought James hadn't been hit with anything substantial, however he soon realized there were singe marks all over James's new Gryffindor sweatshirt and there was a dark blue streak dyed in his hair.

"Oh, leave him alone," Remus mumbled, rubbing his legs. "S'was our first real proper duel, you know."

Sirius clapped his hands and pointed at Remus to indicate that's more or less what he was trying to say a moment ago.

James let Peter go. "Yeah, you're right. I think we did pretty good. Actually, we were winning if you look at it." _No we weren't_, Remus thought but (wisely) kept his mouth shut. "Next time, Petey, jump in with something. Anything. All right? You're _fine_ at spells, just gotta... y'know, get in there with them. Yeah?" Peter hesitantly nodded and James smacked his shoulder cheerfully. "That's the spirit! Now come on, let's get Sirius to Pomfrey before he chokes on his own tongue."


	51. Chapter Fifty - A Sticky Situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so I started a side story which I won't be updating very often but it's basically Shifting Lines from Sirius's POV so if you wanna go check that out the first chapter is up!

In Herbology on Monday all students involved in the mini-battle the day before didn't even acknowledge that had happened except for after class when one of the Hufflepuffs told Remus his spell that made her sneeze rose petals was incredible, and Sirius informed one of the Hufflepuff boys that his tongue-swelling curse was brilliant. Handshakes were given, and that was that. Remus was a little surprised that James and Sirius seemed to let the whole thing slide though he certainly felt glad they didn't have more enemies.

Remus still spent as much as his spare time hiding away from the rest of the student body (just in case) and on Tuesday evening as he made his way to the fourth floor he couldn't help but notice how many piles of... _stuff_... there was laying about the corridors. No wonder Filch was getting mad about it.

Ten minutes later he was on the purple couch, trying his best to empty himself. Fawley reached out to touch his head. He concentrated as hard as he could and then memories were yanked forward. Peter's lip quivering at the insulting snowmen on his birthday, the duel with the Hufflepuffs, that very morning in History when Sirius decided to attempt the engorging charm and blew up his inkpot sending ink splattering onto almost every student in the class...

When Remus came out of the memories his head was hurting worse than usual. While it was normally a dull ache all over, this time he also had a sharp stabby sort of pain behind his eyes. He bent over, pressing his hands against his eyes, moaning a little.

"Remus..." He peeked through his fingers, flinching a little at the light, and waited for Fawley to say whatever she had to say. To his absolute shock she said, "You've made progress."

"I what? But--you still s-saw everything."

She had a huge smile on her face, leaning in towards him. "Yes. _But _when I tried to access your memories I felt a little bit of pressure... your brain did not yield to the command so easily. It was only a little bit. But it was there."

"I d-don't understand? Pressure?"

"It's like... you put your finger in water it just goes in, yes? You--press your finger against gelatin and it will still go in it's just you have to put a little bit of extra pressure. Normally, when I access your thoughts, it's like water. This time I actually had to push a little."

"Oh... so you still accessed it p--pretty easily?"

Fawley shook her head. "Stop putting yourself down. It is _very_ impressive."

Remus rubbed between his eyes as the sharp pain came and went. "It--has been... loads of lessons already."

"This is your fourteenth," she answered.

He made a surprised sort of noise. Fourteen? Already? He squinted, counting on his fingers. His first lesson had been the last Tuesday of September... taking away the two full moons, and the two Tuesdays he had been at home for Christmas... "Fourteen," he mumbled. "How l-long does it normally--"

"No," she said sharply, and he shrank back. Her face then softened. "I will not sit back and let you insult yourself once again. I've told you _how_ many times it will take you a long time to be able to do anything? I wasn't expecting anything like this until the end of this school year, perhaps not until the beginning of next." She tucked some of her hair behind one ear, sitting back. "You don't expect to be able to do fifth year spells now do you? Then don't expect to be able to get Occlumency like that." She snapped her fingers. "Most Occlumens or Legilimens aren't even trained until _after_ school; it's not a subject taught here. So don't cause yourself stress, and feel proud for being able to do what you did tonight. Understand?"

He slowly nodded. "Y-yes, ma'am."

They tried some more but he couldn't repeat it, and despite her confidence in him he felt very disappointed with himself. Just before he left, she asked if they'd be meeting up next week. Tuesday night wasn't the full moon, but Monday was, so he'd be recovering on Tuesday. He wasn't sure how to answer.

"I--I think so. I suppose if it's a bad one I won't be able to. I'm not... _expecting_ it to be bad."

"All right, thank you. I hope this weekend goes well for you."

"Thank you, Ms. Fawley."

*

On Thursday Slughorn had everyone pair up so they could work on a potion called the Sticking Solution. Essentially glue for witches and wizards who couldn't do sticking charms very well (or didn't want to). As soon as Slughorn began talking about how important safety was, Remus practically saw the Lumos spell go off in James and Sirius's eyes. Of course they paired up right away and Remus could hear them whispering plans.

He didn't particularly want to be with Peter since Peter wasn't very great, however the only other option was Lily but she was already with Snape. Beyond them, Remus could see Mulciber and Avery both glaring at the odd pair, whispering about what Snape was doing hanging 'round a mudblood.

Remus curled his fingers in, hands forming fists. He wanted to curse both those Slytherins so bad for calling Lily that! The wolf inside of him began trying to climb out, clawing at his mind and soul; it took a lot of effort to keep it tamped down. He was unaware that his entire frame began trembling.

"...mus? Hey, Remus?" Peter tugged hard at Remus's sleeve, and then gave a little cry when Remus spun around; his eyes were blazing with animalistic fury. "I'm s-s-s-s-s--" Peter couldn't even talk, and seeing him like that pulled human-Remus completely back.

"Oh--P-Peter, I'm s-sorry," Remus stammered out, mind in a flurry for an excuse. Peter straightened up, but still looked scared. "I--I guess I'm not feeling well."

Peter grabbed his potions book, frowning. "You looked _mad_ not _sick_."

Remus took his own book, mumbling incoherently as a response. A corner of his mind still remained with the Slytherins. He wondered if Snape knew his dorm-mates called Lily that. Did he defend her in the common room? He was even more distracted than usual while they worked, and their sticking solution could barely cling to the spoon Slughorn stirred into their cauldron. He gave a rather disappointed sigh and moved on to the next desk.

James and Sirius were yammering on about their Plan as they left class but Remus barely heard them. He watched Lily and Snape walking ahead of them. Snape was telling Lily how impressed he was--as always--by her potion-making ability, and she responded with how he was much better than her. Then as if sensing someone was watching them, Snape looked over his shoulder. Remus averted his gaze, but not quick enough.

"What are _you_ staring at?" Snape demanded, turning fully around.

"We weren't staring," James replied, assuming it was for him.

"Why'd anyone stare are _you_, Big Nose?" Sirius asked, folding his arms.

"As if anyone _could_ without getting blinded by the light shining off that grease puddle you call hair," James added. Sirius gave him a high five.

Snape's cheeks tinted, and Lily took a step forward. "Leave him alone, you bullies," she said haughtily. Remus felt supremely guilty for starting this, albeit accidentally

"Bullies?" James raised his eyebrows so high they threatened to disappear into the mop on top of him. "That's rich."

Snape's scowl deepened. "Rich is the only thing _you've_ got going for you anyway."

James glared. "Is that your attempt at an insult? I've heard better from a jarvey."

"Talking to jarveys, eh? That explains _your_ level of intellect," Snape retorted.

Lily stomped her foot. "Just leave him _alone_!"

Sirius snorted. "He's the one that complained about us _staring_ which we weren't. I dunno what's got _your_ wand in a knot, Snape, thinking everyone's _looking_ at you all the time."

Remus shifted uncomfortably, rubbing his elbow with his other hand. "L--let's just go."

"Yes, listen to Loopy and go," Snape grumbled, flapping his hand in a 'shoo!' manner.

Lily paled a little. "Severus," she whispered.

Sirius had his wand out now. "Don't call him that."

Remus reached out, pushing Sirius's hand down. "Let's _go_," he said, firmer now. Sirius scrunched his face up in confusion. "Please."

James snapped his arm out, whispering a spell quietly, hitting Snape with the hairy bat-bogey hex. Snape stumbled back as they came out of his nose. James, Sirius, and Peter howled with laughter, and Remus's lips twitched into a smile. Snape batted at one of them with his book, and Lily shrieked as globs went everywhere.

"EWWWW!" James shouted, and Peter practically choked with laughter at that. "Come on then, lads." He gave Lily a smirk as he grabbed Sirius, strutting down the corridor. Lily tried to get rid of the bats but she was having a little bit of trouble. Snape got his wand out but every time he opened his mouth to use a counterspell, one of the bats would fly to his mouth.

_Ewwww indeed_, Remus thought as he hurried after his friends. He looked back, and saw Lily was looking at him with extreme annoyance. He quickly turned to face ahead of him, shame burning on his face.

*

At study group, Lily barely spoke to Remus and he felt in near tears by the end. He walked silently behind Lily and Twycross, thinking over their encounter after Potions, trying to figure out how he could have changed it, done it different, _fixed_ it. He hugged some books to his chest as he went, trying not to stare at the waterfall of red hair before him.

In the common room he half expected Lily to just go up to her dorm however she went over to Inkwood and Colgate, sitting with them. Remus bit his lip, debating whether he should talk to her or not. What did he even do? Apologize? He wasn't the one who used the hex and he hadn't laughed... He glanced around the room for his other friends but didn't see--no, Peter was sitting on the stairs leading up to the boys' dorms, reading a comic book.

Remus eyed Lily once more then went over to Peter who jumped, nearly tossing the comic book. "Just you!" he breathed out. "_You_ can go on up."

"What are you--" Remus stopped, realizing what Peter was doing. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Lookout?"

"Uh-huh."

Remus climbed up the stairs, cautiously going into the dorm. To his surprise it was completely empty, however he could hear soft voices in the bathroom and the smell of fire. He dumped his books onto his bed and went to the bathroom, finding Sirius and James kneeling on the floor with a cauldron bubbling away between them.

"Heya!" James smiled brightly. "Not brewing it in the dorm this time."

Sirius tapped the side of his head. "Smart, eh?"

Remus couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes. "You're n--not supposed to be brewing potions like this either." But he didn't care and his tone came across that way. "What're you making? The sticking solution?"

"Yup, gonna use it tomorrow after Defense," Sirius said, stirring the cauldron carefully.

"It'll stay like this until then, according to the book," James added as he added in a carefully measured tablespoon of cleaver pulp.

Remus sat down in a cross-legged position. "What's the plan?"

James's eyes sparkled. "Pouring it down one of the staircases or across a floor and getting people stuck there."

"If one person gets stuck, nobody else will go on it," Remus pointed out.

"See, if a whole group of people are walking enough should get stuck that it'll be funny," replied Sirius, sitting back on his heels. "We'll do it somewhere near where a class lets out."

"Should work out well enough." James wiped from sweat from his forehead and bent in to peer at the liquid. "Okay it needs to stop boiling about now." Sirius hauled the cauldron off the fire and stirred some more, while James dumped water onto the fire to get rid of it. "Just gotta stir for like, five minutes straight, then we add the rest of the cobwebs."

"Do you need any help?" Remus offered as James set the timer on his fancy watch.

Sirius and James looked at each other. "Er, no offense little buddy but--I mean, we want this potion to work," James said with an apologetic smile.

Remus couldn't even argue that, though the sticking solution wasn't anywhere near as smelly as some of the others; most the ingredients were fairly benign when it came to assaulting his nose. "Understandable." He watched them take turns stirring until the timer went off, and then Sirius carefully unwrapped some spider webs, letting them drift down into the potion. After the strands disappeared, James stirred again then withdrew the spoon, scooting over to the corner of the bathroom, letting a small drop glop onto the floor. He pressed a knut down onto the droplet, waited a few seconds, then tried to move the knut which wouldn't budge.

"Perfect!" James laughed.

*

The next afternoon, however, things weren't so perfect. As soon as Defense was over the four boys hurried up to the tower to get the cauldron which had been kept under James's bed. Now they were faced with an issue none of them had properly thought through.

"How are we going to get it through the common room?" Peter asked. "Everyone will see us."

They couldn't just fill up smaller jars because none of the stuff they had were properly spelled to keep the sticking solution from... well, sticking to the jars. Plus they didn't have _enough_ jars for as much as they wanted to use.

Sirius bent out their window. "How about we lower it down with magic?"

James smacked Sirius's back. "Brilliant! Okay, you three can go down and I'll lower it with the levitation spell."

"But--I don't think it will work, it's so far down!" Remus, against his better judgement, leaned out the window. It made him dizzy. "It's too far, I don't think you're good enough to use the spell at _that_ distance!"

James was scowling now. "Don't be thick! Of course I am, I'm brilliant with the levitation spell! And you can use it from your side. Between us--both geniuses--it'll work. Go on! I think we should dump this in the dungeons, outside the Slytherin common room!"

"Why don't we use rope?" Remus asked as James yanked him away from the window.

"Do you have a whole castle tower's height worth of rope hidden away somewhere?" James inquired and Remus shook his head. "Okay then. Off you go, hurry up."

Sirius grabbed Remus's arm, hauling him off, following Peter. The three of them made their way through the castle and outside into the cold winter air. None of them had really put on anything extra, so they were very chilly by the time they went around to the side where the Gryffindor tower was. Remus craned his neck back, trying to see James. He could hear him calling, then saw him waving out the tower window.

"This is a bad idea," Remus said as the cauldron came out the window. His stomach began churning. "This is a really bad idea."

"Shut up," Sirius said. "Get your wand ready."

Remus pulled his wand out, and the three of them watched the cauldron slowly floating down towards them. It passed the sixth floor and then the fifth. It became wobbly at that point then jerked down rather quickly. Peter yelped and dove away, but James regained control of his spell.

"Wingardium leviosa!" Remus tried to get the cauldron but it was too far. The cauldron jerked again, wobbling down to the fourth floor, then the third. Remus tried again. This time he felt the spell hit, and the cauldron started rising. He panicked a little, and he sensed James panicking. The cauldron began bobbing rapidly up and down as they both tried to get control of the thing while also trying to let the other get control. Then in the blink of an eye it happened.

The cauldron--maybe one or two stories above the three boys now--wobbled... and tipped over.

Remus stared upwards for a second, as the sticking solution came pouring down, then he, Sirius, and Peter all yelled, scrambling to get out of the way. They managed to avoid most of it however the potion splattered everywhere, including on the three of them. The cauldron clanged to the ground several yards away.

Sirius began howling with laughter.

Remus sat up, looking at the globs of white on him. There was a spattering across his chest and arms, and some in his hair. Without even thinking he reached up, touching his head, and his hand stuck there. "Oh _no_!" He jerked his hand, whimpering in pain as it tugged at his hair.

Still laughing, Sirius got up and came over. Before Remus could stop him, Sirius took hold of his arm to help him up off the ground. "That went well," Sirius said as Remus gave a cry of protest, and tried to let go of Remus's arm. Of course he couldn't. "Oh."

"Yes _oh_!" Remus snapped.

"H--helllp!" Peter moaned. "I'm stuck to the ground!"

"Take off your robes," Sirius suggested, still trying to pull his hand off of Remus's arm.

"I can't, they're stuck to me!" Peter said.

"I was talking to _Remus_."

"I can't, the stuff's seeped through," Remus growled. "I told you this was a bad idea! I said so! I _told_ you so but nobody listens to me, do they?! Nooo, James is too much of a _genius_ for it _not_ to work."

"I'm getting r-really cold!" Peter whined, still laying on the ground. "We shoulda listened to Remus."

Sirius turned to look up at the tower again, yanking Remus with him. "He better be on his way down--"

"We can't leave Pete on the ground like that, we need to get someone," Remus said.

"No way!" Sirius yelped. "We can't tell anyone!"

Remus glared then started walking back to the castle. Sirius jerked hard to keep him from going, and Remus knocked back into him. Now they were stuck together even more, very close. "SIRIUS WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" Remus felt extremely uncomfortable having his body stuck to someone else, being _right there_, someone being against him, it made him feel panicky and scared. The wolf began clawing at him and since the moon was so close, it was stronger than Remus expected. That just made him even more panicky and scared.

"I w-was trying to get you to not tell..."

"We can't get out of this ourselves!" Remus protested, trying to pull away, being unable to.

Peter began shivering hard. "Guys, I'm _really_ getting cold now."

Sirius looked at him then back at Remus who was starting to breathe heavily. "_Fine_, let's go get into _trouble_ then!" Sirius snapped, then he must have noticed something in Remus's eyes began his expression changed. "Er--right, come on, let's find someone."

They stepped around the globs on the grass then made their way into the castle but didn't know what to do next. It was afternoon, so classes were still in session. Finally Remus figured they might as well go to Pomfrey. Students they passed gave them strange looks though nobody bothered them. The hospital wing was pretty much empty so they went back to her office, and Sirius knocked on the door very carefully, after making double sure his knuckles didn't have any solution on them.

Pomfrey swung the door open and stared at them huddled together, Remus's hand still on his head. "What in Merlin's name happened?"

Sirius opened his mouth, but then Remus burst into planned tears. "S-s-s-someone dumped st--sticking solution on us! W--we were outside and--and someone--poured it out of th--the window! P--Peter's st-st--stuck to the ground and p--probably freezing to death!"

"Oh dear!" Pomfrey covered her mouth. "Do you know who?"

"N-n-n-no ma'am!" Remus sniffled loudly, tears dripping down his face.

"Why were you outside like that?" She eyed their lack of warm clothes suspiciously.

"James and--and Sirius were--tossing a ball back and f-forth in the dorm and it w--went out the window. We were out th-there looking for it.'

"Why was the window open?"

_Errr... _"J--James was expecting a late p--package from his parents..." Remus gave another loud sniffle.

"I see. Well, let's go try to get Mr. Pettigrew; I don't have anything to unstick you, we'll have to go to Horace for that." Pomfrey put a note up on the doors that she'd be right back, and followed the boys quickly through the castle. Once they got outside, they found James standing near Peter.

"Someone th--threw sticking solution out the w--window at us!" Remus said quickly, so James would know not to say anything too incriminating.

"What?" James's shocked voice wasn't very believable but Pomfrey was hurrying over to Peter and didn't seem to notice. But then James began laughing, seeing Remus and Sirius stuck together like they were. He was laughing so much and then windmilled his arms to stay upright, his feet not moving one bit.

"Are you stuck too?" Sirius snickered.

"Yes," James grumbled. "I ran over to Pete and got stuck. Too cold to take my shoes off."

Pomfrey was using a spell to dig up the ground under Peter then got him to his feet, bits of mud dropping off the turf glued to his back and side. Then she used the spell to dig up the ground under James's feet. "Come on, you can stay in the hospital wing until Potions is done, then I'm sure Horace will have something to dissolve the solution."

As they went back to the hospital wing, Remus just felt extremely glad this had happened today and not the next since Saturday night was the first of the full moon. Once the four boys took seats (Sirius and Remus just sort of stood there for ages until they squeezed into a chair, Remus half in Sirius's lap), Pomfrey returned to her office and as soon as she did, Sirius began talking.

"You should have seen Remus, he was _incredible_ he just started _sobbing_! She totally believed it!" He must have been really excited about the whole thing since his heart seemed to be racing at a million miles an hour from what Remus could tell.

James gave Remus a thumbs up. "Good job, lil' buddy."

"What about the cauldron though? If Sirius is missing a cauldron now, it's gonna be kinda suspicious," Peter sat, swinging his legs, sending bits of dirt all over the floor.

"You're right..." James rubbed his chin and then jumped up. "If she comes back, tell her I'm in the loo. Be right back!" He took off running out of the wing, leaving the three alone.

"You really were incredible," Sirius told Remus. "I didn't know you could cry on command." Remus just shrugged. It had been easy since he'd been feeling overwhelmed and emotional as it was. "That's gonna be useful getting out of other..." Sirius gave a snort then bent forward, giggling. "Out of other _sticky_ situations!"

Remus groaned while Pete laughed, but then Remus began laughing too. James returned shortly, whispering that the cauldron had been stuck to the ground but he had managed to get it dug out and stashed in a secret passageway.

The four chatted away while they waited for Professor Slughorn to free them. When he finally arrived, he wasn't alone. While Professor Slughorn carefully dabbed their skin and clothes with a soaked washcloth, Professor McGonagall stood before them, a stern look on her face, not believing Remus's Tall Tale as much as Pomfrey had.

"So what, you think we did this to ourselves?" Sirius asked. "Sure, yeah, we dumped it on ourselves for a good laugh."

"I wouldn't put it past you," McGonagall muttered, though not as convinced anymore.

Sirius and Remus were freed first, and Remus pulled away with great relief. The wolf had been almost hurting him, from the physical proximity to someone for so long, and it was like weight being taken off his chest. He knew he needed to be alone the rest of the night, and as soon as they could all leave, Remus skipped dinner, went straight up to the dorm rooms, pulled his pillow and blanket under his bed, and remained there until he fell asleep.


	52. Chapter Fifty-One - A Burning Mistake

_Sirius and Remus were still stuck together. It was getting dark out. Remus started crying, trying to pull away. Sirius just laughed, calling it a sticky situation. "You don't understand! We have to go to Slughorn!" Remus began shaking, trying to pull his own skin off before the sun set but it was too late. The moon came out. Remus began transforming. Sirius's laughter turned to screams as his small friend grew and grew and become a bloodthirsty monster. Remus howled, twisting around, long teeth driving down into Sirius's neck, blood spurting across Remus's face. He inhaled the delicious scent and then ripped Sirius's neck out--_

"NO--MERLIN--PLEASE--NO!" Remus screamed as he thrashed, kicking and fighting against the blanket around him. "NO! NO! NO!"

"What the heck?"

"How come I can hear him?"

Lights came on in the dorm and then Sirius was kneeling next to Remus's bed, looking under. "Remus?"

"No--please--please--" Remus sobbed, still quite out of it. "I said so... I told you... I _told_ you!"

"Yeah, you did. It's okay. Come on." Sirius reached a hand out, but Remus pulled away, fear flashing through him that they'd be glued together again and then he'd transform. "It's okay," Sirius said again, calmly.

"You're supposed to sleep in your bed!" Now Spinnet was crouched down, glaring at Remus. "We need both _your_ curtains absorbing the sound _and_ ours, otherwise we still hear you!"

"Shut up," James snarled.

Sirius pulled his hand away and then lay down on the floor. "Are you all right?" Remus shrugged, cheeks burning as reality came back to him. He had done it again... "Do you want to stay under there?"

_Yes_, he thought, however if he had another nightmare it would just end poorly. "N... no..." He began pushing himself out from under the bed, still clutching his blanket. Sirius took hold of his arm to help him, and Remus flinched. He quickly let go. Remus felt awful his friend had noticed the involuntary reaction. He wanted to explain why, but of course he couldn't. "I'm s-sorry," he whispered to Spinnet and Struthers.

"What's the point of the spells if you go'n do that?!" Spinnet demanded, nearly in his face. "What kind of freak sleeps _under_ the bed anyway?!"

"Call him that again, you'll be pooping out your teeth for a week," warned Sirius.

"I f-f-forgot," Remus whimpered, wrapping the blanket around himself. He could see the moon through the split in the curtains, so full and round. Less than twenty-four hours. He edged away from the window. "It won't happen again."

"Better not." Spinnet stormed back to his bed, muttering to himself.

"You sure you're all right?" Struthers asked and Remus nodded. "Okay. Um. You know. I'm not--not mad about it or anything, really, just worried."

"Thank you," Remus forced out. He didn't like that they talked to him, he wished they'd all just go to bed, so he could disappear under his covers to try and forget this. Struthers went to bed, then Peter and James, and finally Sirius. _Why does he always linger_? Remus closed his curtains, curling up on his bed, wishing he hadn't forgotten to properly go to bed the night before. No... it wasn't so much had had forgotten, he just preferred being under his bed. He'd have to remember next time not to do that. Be more careful.

*

Due to the nightmares that persisted all night (none that caused screaming though) he was absolutely exhausted on Saturday. He slept through breakfast, only getting up when Peter shook him awake partway through the morning, telling him McGonagall needed to talk to them. He threw on clothes and followed Pete down to McGonagall's office, where James and Sirius were waiting. Remus rubbed his eyes sleepily as they traipsed through the door.

McGonagall wanted to talk to them about the sticking solution incident. Remus didn't want to take control of the situation, too tired to start crying again, and was relieved when Sirius talked instead. He said the same things Remus said before: That he and James were tossing a ball, it went out the window, Sirius, Peter, and Remus went to go look for the ball, and then someone threw the sticking solution out the window at them.

"We didn't see who did it," Sirius finished.

"You have no idea who could have done this?" McGonagall inquired.

"No, Professor," Sirius said, wide-eyed and innocent. Remus marveled over the fact Sirius actually managed to pull the look off, though McGonagall definitely didn't believe him.

"Mr. Potter, did you see anything?"

James folded his hands on his laps, smiling. "No, ma'am. I was watching out the window and when it happened I hurried down to see if I could help them. I never saw who did it."

"And someone _else_ did this," McGonagall said, eyes mostly on Remus who began squirming. He was far too tired for this. "The four of you weren't messing around with the solution yourself?"

"Of course not, Professor!" Sirius exclaimed; James and Peter nodded. "Besides, if we were doing that, we'd have picked someone out to put the blame on."

McGonagall adjusted her glasses and sighed. "Nobody seems to have seen anything, so there isn't much I can do. There's no evidence of who has done this. I'll keep looking into it. If you find out anything please let me know."

"Yes, Professor!" all four chorused, and left her office, James and Sirius grinning at not being in trouble.

"Got away with it!" James whispered as he put his hand out for Remus to high five him which he did without any kind of energy. It made a really pathetic sound. "Hey, you okay? You look really bad."

Remus stuffed his hands in his pockets "Mum's sick again," he said, finding it easier every time he used that lie. "Just worried."

"Is that why you had a nightmare again last night?" Pete asked.

"Y--yeah... I think... I might go visit her today..." Remus answered, trying his best to sound concerned. "Just overnight."

"If there's anything we can do..." James gave Remus an encouraging, friendly look.

Remus smiled. "Thanks."

*

He hadn't really had a chance to talk to Lily since the incident after Potions on Thursday, and in fact suspected she was angry at him for what transpired. She had been a little distant Thursday and Friday at study group though not overtly, so Remus wasn't sure. So at lunch Remus sought out Lily, asking if he could sit with her. For a terrifying, heart-stopping second he thought she might say no. She looked like she was considering it. But then she scooted down a little, so he could slide onto the bench next to her. Lily went back to her conversation with Colgate and Inkwood, about some sort of drama going on with some third year girls. Then when she finished with that, she turned to Remus who had been eating in silence the whole time, giving him a 'well?' look.

"Are you m-mad at me?" he asked. Colgate and Inkwood began giggling at that, and he scowled a little, wishing they weren't there.

"No. I'm furious with your friends, though. They're always bullying Severus. I saw him a little bit ago. He told me what they did this morning. Did you have anything to do with that?"

Remus quickly shook his head. "I don't even kn--know they did anything this morning."

"They sent him--" Lily stopped, looking rather distressed, dropping her voice so she could whisper. "They sent him a bottle of shampoo with stupid instructions!" Remus had to fight to hold back a chuckle and the weird sort of grunty sound that came out did give her a suspicious pause. "It was very mean," she added, in case he was even considering laughing.

"I had no idea," he promised, keeping his face as serious as he could. "But--you know, Th--Thursday, he just started--he started that, we weren't doing _anything_. He just started complaining at us!"

Lily looked down the table at James and Sirius who were currently cupping their hands under their armpits, making farting sounds while Peter cheered them on as they got louder and louder. "Those two are never _not_ up to something. And that's no reason to send him what they did today."

"I agree w-with that. I'm just meaning..." Remus frowned, too tired to go through this right now, but he didn't want to go off to the full moon with this worrying him. "I d-don't want to make this--you know, I just want to... I don't want you to be mad at me because of them. You're both my friends. I--I don't get mad at you for what Snape does."

"Severus hasn't done anything!" Lily immediately went to his defense.

_He called me disease-ridden and humiliated me in front of the entire Potions class_, Remus thought rather bitterly, but kept his mouth shut, not wanting to make this an even bigger argument. He needed to keep it bottled down, didn't want to fight. "I just wanted to make sure. That you weren't, I mean. Mad at me."

"I'm not." Lily finally smiled at him, and he smiled back. "I s'pose it's too much to ask you to get them to stop bullying him though?"

"They pretty much do what they want," he said. She stuck her lower lip out a bit. He felt it was probably poking the bear but he had to ask, "Could you g-get him to stop calling me Loopy?"

Lily looked away, cheeks going pink. "Point taken."

"Look, I--don't know why you're friends with him and I know you don't know why I'm friends with them but--"

"You're _my_ friend and that's what important," Lily cut him off and grabbed his hand. "I guess I was acting dumb earlier, being mad at you."

"So you were mad! I thought you were."

She bowed her head. "A little. I'm sorry."

Remus couldn't help but feel hurt that she had been and she had lied about it. It made him a bit paranoid that she would get mad at him again for what his friends did, and hoped that that wasn't the case. "It's okay," he said, aware of the irony that he was now lying to her. Or should he tell the truth? Was he doing this wrong? Was he wrong to be upset at her? _Maybe I'll ask Fawley on Tuesday. I really need help with this sort of thing_. He thought he'd like to also talk to McGonagall, but he thought that might be too much. _Maybe I could talk to one of the ghosts. Myrtle--or Theodore, they're closer to my own age..._ He suspected Myrtle wouldn't be much help with this sort of problem though.

*

That night the moon was covered, and it was _cold_. Remus curled up naked under one of the blankets, shivering, a few tears in his eyes as he stared at the fireplace. He didn't know if it was a working fireplace or not, worried what might happen if he lit it. He wasn't afraid of the smoke coming in, suffocating him; he was afraid of it going out of the chimney and making people in Hogsmeade suspicious.

Finally he dragged one of the pots in from the kitchen and put some of the blue flames in it, trying to keep warm. Then he got a second blanket from upstairs, but he still shivered, teeth clattering. He considered putting his clothes on however on the off chance enough clouds moved then he'd rip through his clothes. His parents couldn't afford that.

The wind was howling outside, rattling the house, the cold seeping in through the cracks. Remus got a second cooking pot, filling it with blue fire, and then got another pot. He filled that one with regular flames. The blue fire warmed him decently enough, but he was still freezing cold and thought perhaps regular fire would help which it definitely did. He set the three pots by the couch and curled up under the two blankets, trying to get some sleep.

He had nightmares as usual when he was human during a full moon except during one of them he felt pain, actual real pain, searing his arm. He woke up screaming and then saw there was fire. He had fallen off the couch during one nightmare and knocked over all the pots. The blue flames sat innocently on the floor, but the regular one had spread, and his arm had fallen into it. The flames were spreading, too.

"No--NO!" Remus grabbed the blanket, ignoring the pain as best he could, and threw it over the fire then dropped down onto it, rolling across the blanket, killing the flames underneath. "Stupid! I'm so STUPID!" Once they were gone he sat back, inspecting the blistering, burnt skin. "Stupid. So stupid." He felt dizzy from how much it hurt, like he might vomit. He lurched to the bathroom, throwing up in the toilet, vision blurring. Once he purged his stomach he knelt down as his arm began throbbing less, as he began healing underneath the bubbles of dead flesh. It itched. And the burnt skin clung to his new one so he had to get rid of it. He pulled himself to the sink, crying out when the cold water hit his arm, watching as his own flesh slid off his body and down the drain. Pain overtook him, and he fell backwards, unconscious.

When he woke up shortly after, his body was pretty much healed though there was still some dead skin. He got back to his feet, shivering hard from laying naked on the kitchen floor, and rinsed the rest of the skin off. Underneath it was pink and new, a hint of scarring that would disappear soon enough.

Remus hurried into the living room and got rid of the blue flames there, then went to the bathroom. There he filled the tub with the blue flames, enough that it warmed the bathroom a fair amount. He tugged the blankets around him, curling up on the floor. "Stupid," he whispered, staring at reflecting blue on the ceiling as he drifted back into a miserable, nightmare-riddled sleep.

*

When Pomfrey came in the morning, she found him at the beginning of the tunnel, sitting just under the Whomping Willow, book propped on his legs, Lumos spell glowing gently. He looked up when she came down, and smiled, getting to his feet. "Too many clouds last night," he said, closing the book, tucking it into his pocket. "I didn't leave the house until after sunrise though."

"You couldn't open the door anyway," she said rather grouchily.

"I don't suppose I can stay."

"Of course not. Come on." She waited for him to argue, looking pleased when he didn't.

They left the tunnel, going across the grounds, Remus shivering in the biting wind. He needed to ask her what to do about the cold at night, nights he didn't transform. He didn't want to confess he had started a fire there though figured asking about the fireplace would be a safe enough bet. Once in the hospital wing, he got changed into pajamas and climbed into the bed, finally feeling warm.

He waited until she brought his breakfast, then cautiously asked about the best way to stay warm on nights like that. Pomfrey seemed a little startled and then frowned, admitting that she wasn't sure; she didn't know a whole lot about the house, just the spells on it. She promised she'd find out, and left him to eat alone.

After a few hours of sleeping he awoke to lunch, and company. Professor McGonagall.

Remus felt exceedingly awkward sitting there with food in his lap while Professor McGonagall sat down in the extra chair. "Go ahead and eat," she said pleasantly. "I came here to talk to you about the house. Poppy said you had some questions about keeping warm; I suppose we hadn't thought to discuss with you what to do during the winter."

"It's n-no big thing, Professor," Remus said, still too anxious to eat.

"Were you able to stay warm last night?"

Remus resisted the urge to rub his arm, where he had been burnt. "Yes, ma'am. I used ice flames in the b-bathtub."

McGonagall nodded, and explained that the fireplace was enchanted for his use. He just needed to light it and he needn't worry about interacting as a wolf; there were sort of barrier spells so he shouldn't be able to get too close. The smoke wouldn't give him away either. Once it went mostly up the chimney it would disappear. McGonagall apologized again for not going over this sooner, and Remus assured her it was fine (he couldn't believe a teacher was apologizing to him like that, though!).

She reached out, resting a hand on his arm. "We've tried to make your time in the house as comfortable as possible."

"It is!" Remus insisted. "It's m-more than I could ever need. I--I wasn't meaning to complain--"

"Of course not!" McGonagall said, squeezing his forearm gently. "If you ever need anything, don't ever feel like you can't come to someone."

Remus wasn't completely sure he believed that, but he nodded.

*

That afternoon back in the house, he lit the fire and grinned at the warmth spreading through the living room. Even when he took off all his clothes and sat on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, he felt fairly warm; a lot warmer than the night before for sure. He did transform, an hour or so after sunset; the wolf ripped through his body, pushing his human mind into the darkness. When he came to in the morning he found the place a lot less gory than usual. He had a deep gash along his side and several shallow scratches, however that was it. He was able to get to his feet and, clutching his side, hobble to the shower to get cleaned up. There were bandages in the medicine cabinet which he pressed to his midriff, wrapping the long gauze around and tying. Not very well, but it was something.

"I'm glad to see you aren't complaining so much this time around," Pomfrey said on their return to the school.

_No use arguing, besides not arguing means a better chance of being left here next year_, he thought. _If the rest of my full moons go as nice as this one, they're bound to accept the idea!_

He was very cheered up by that thought, and when he returned to the house that night he was quite hopeful. But in the morning when he came to and found his lower legs ripped to shreds making it near impossible for him to walk, he fell back into depression. He couldn't even get to the bathroom, and had to use some of the destroyed blanket to cover his nudity when Pomfrey showed up. She didn't say anything about his state, just got him to the bathroom to get cleaned off, wrapped up his legs, and helped him back to the castle.

*

Remus slept most the day. He wouldn't be able to make it to the morning classes, and didn't have any in the afternoon, so he just slept and ate and slept and ate, and then finally got dressed at around five-forty-five so he could go to Occlumency. He felt pretty tired still, despite all the sleep he got, going quite slow on his way to the fourth floor. His shins and calves still hurt (one of them still had a bandage wrapped around) so he limped the whole way, taking the stairs as carefully as he could, making sure to take the easy staircases. None of those disappearing ones.

When he got to their 'class'room, he sensed something was off. He wasn't sure what exactly tipped him, but he knew it wasn't just Fawley behind the door. _Dumbledore?_ he wondered, since that was definitely one of the scents drifting into his nose. Frowning, Remus knocked at the door. He heard Fawley call for him, and he went in.

It was, in fact, Dumbledore. He and Fawley were sitting on the purple couch, though Professor Dumbledore stood up as Remus came into the room. "Ah, my dear boy, come in," the headmaster said.

Remus shut the door behind him then took a few ungainly steps forward. "Did something happen?" he asked. Perhaps Dumbledore was just there to see how things were coming along? Or had Fawley told him about what he managed to do the week before, and he wanted to see for himself?

"No, no," Dumbledore said, motioning for Remus to take a seat on the couch. Once he did, Dumbledore conjured up another chair for himself. "Mythana has brought something to my attention and I merely wanted to talk to you. About your father."

Remus shrank back a little, and had a very bad feeling about this.


	53. Chapter Fifty-Two - "They Love Me!"

Professor Dumbledore smiled benignly at Remus, as if trying to reassure him everything was fine. But everything was _not_ fine. "Wh--what about my--my father?" Remus asked, trembling with fear. If anything bad had happened he suspected Dumbledore wouldn't be smiling like that, so it wasn't like that.

"Would it be all right if I looked into your memories?" Dumbledore asked.

"Isn't th--that what th-these lessons are about?" Remus couldn't help but quip back. "Fighting that?"

"Yes," chuckled the headmaster, "however I do wish to see for myself what Mythana has told me about. Think about Christmas."

_Christmas_? Remus shifted his weight and then thought back to the holidays. Dumbledore slid easily into his head merely by eye contact. Once those icy blue eyes locked onto Remus, he found Christmas drifting through his head. Reading by the fireplace, opening presents, baking cookies...

_Then they were in his living room, with Professor McGonagall. Remus watched himself fetch the container of cookies. He saw McGonagall's look of surprise, and then her smile as she touched his shoulder. Beyond them, Lyall stood there looking furious. A look that disappeared when McGonagall turned to say goodbye._

_Once she was gone and Remus tried to return to his room, he watched as his father pulled back his hand to slap Remus. "You're not supposed to be so--so--casual with people!" he hissed then grabbed Remus by the shoulders, shaking him. "You understand?!"_

_"I'm s-s-s-sorry! She--sh--she knows--so--"_

_"I don't care! It. Isn't. Safe. Say it!"_

Remus was then yanked out of the memory as Dumbledore broke contact. He fell back against the couch, breathing hard, head pounding since he had automatically tried fighting, but Dumbledore was definitely stronger than Fawley.

"You saw it?" Fawley asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore answered, then bent in to Remus. "Has your father ever done that before?"

Remus clutched his head as the pain grew worse. "Done wh--what?"

"Hit you."

_That's what this is about_? Remus looked at him, then Fawley, then back at Dumbledore. "Why?"

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows high. "Answer the question, Remus."

It wasn't a request, it was a command. But Remus didn't want to answer. He didn't like this. He was tired and in pain, and couldn't understand why they seemed so--so--_upset_ about the whole thing. "What about m-my Occlumency l--lesson?"

"Remus, please," whispered Fawley, reaching out for him. He drew away from her, and her hand fell to her lap.

"What d--does it matter?" Remus scooted even farther back, into the corner of the couch, not far enough. He wanted to run from the room. He felt sick and wormy and hot and wanted to cry and scream, and he didn't even know why. "D--Dad's just worried about me, that's all."

"Has he ever hit you before?" Dumbledore asked again.

"No," Remus lied.

"You said--" Fawley started, but Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Remus, please. You're not in any trouble."

_Yes I am_, he thought. _I am because neither of you understand!_ He didn't know what to say. He thought if he told the truth, something bad would happen. Would they try talking to his father? That would just make his father feel bad, and he didn't want that. His dad never really meant anything by it. Just to reinforce lessons that Remus needed to know. Like what happened at Christmas, being so _casual_ like that, he had forgotten, and now he wouldn't again. He knew for a fact many people spanked their kids (at least in books they did, sometimes). If that was all right, there was no difference, was there? It was all the same, just discipline.

"Remus," Dumbledore said again, since he had been so quiet for so long. "Do you understand why we are asking this?" He spoke as if he were talking to a very young child, not a first year, almost twelve.

"Yes," Remus said, rubbing his forehead. "B--but you're wrong, if you th-think it's... anything bad. It isn't!" he added swiftly as Dumbledore opened his mouth. "I'm n-not stupid, I know what you're t-talking about, and it's _not_ like that at all."

"Do you feel safe with your parents?" Fawley asked rather bluntly.

Remus glared at her, though she couldn't see it. "Of-of course I d--I do! Sss-safer with them than anywh-where else! They love me! You even t-told me at our f--first lesson that you were--glad at how su--supportive my parents are!"

"I did," Fawley agreed, not sounding convinced. "Don't misunderstand my concern. I am glad they have done for you all of that they've done... but it doesn't change the fact that hitting a child is wrong."

_But I'm not even a proper child, I'm a monster, even if my father were hurting me it wouldn't be child abuse_.

Then Remus thought back to the beginning of the year, when Dumbledore said an empty hole in the ground would be like child abuse. He began to feel very hot again, and his nose grew itchy.

"My f-f-father hasn't done anything wrong," he said firmly.

Fawley kept her face impassive while Dumbledore gave a little sigh. "Thank you for being honest with me, Remus. Do you mind going out into the hallway for a moment while Mythana and I talk?"

Remus left, though didn't shut the door all the way. It was almost completely closed, not quite, and he pressed his ear against the thin crack, trying to hear through the muffling spell. Their voices were low, hard to hear but he managed to make out most of what they were saying.

"...unable to do much..." Dumbledore murmured.

"...hitting him... n't safe for him..." Fawley replied icily.

"I understand... can we do about it?... can't go to the Ministry..." Remus stiffened and then sank to his knees, heart pounding hard at the mere mention of that place. Dumbledore continued speaking. "...being, he seems to be all right; I'll keep a close..."

"...something we can do?"

"...evidence that it's any worse... be an uncommon occurrence--"

"Once is enough," Fawley interrupted.

"...delicate situation, with a werewolf... willing to say so, there's nothing... safe enough for now... nion his parents do love... stress of the..."

"Of all people _I_ would know the stress... ving with a _werewolf_... "

"...fraid for his safety, that's all... means well... n't push him about it... lessons..."

Their voices faded a little then suddenly there were footsteps right by the door. Remus jumped back, going a little pink as Dumbledore opened the door. "How much of that did you hear?" he asked, smiling wryly.

Remus went pinker. "N-not much."

"I see. I hope you have a good evening, Mr. Lupin." Dumbledore swept off, disappearing around the corner.

Remus watched him go then crept back into the classroom. Fawley was clutching her cane, lips pressed tightly together. "Are we--we having th--the lesson, ma'am?"

"I don't think I'm up for it tonight, Remus."

"Oh."

Fawley reached out again and found Remus, putting her hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry for upsetting you. I know you love your parents very much, and I'm not trying to say they don't love you. I just think your father took things too far. If he ever does that to you again, I want you to know you can write to me, all right? Even if just to talk about it."

"You can't see my letter though," Remus blurted out, then immediately regretted it.

Fawley smiled. "I use a spell to make letters audible. Very handy. And if you _ever_ feel unsafe, write to me. Or Albus. Or anyone you can."

Remus wanted to argue with her, protest that he'd never feel unsafe with his parents. "Okay," he just said, wanting to make her happy. To stop this ridiculous conversation.

Fawley gave his shoulders another squeeze then reached for her cane, getting up. "We'll return to our lessons next week, all right?"

"All right."

"Um--Ms. Fawley?"

She turned around, empty eyes on him. "Yes?"

"How--how c-come you didn't say anything a couple weeks ago? About all this? It's b-been a month since you s-saw that memory..."

"By the time I talked to Albus, and had him come talk to you, it would be closer to the full moon. I know when you're distressed it makes your transformations worse, so I wanted to give you a few weeks to settle and calm down."

He watched her go then fell back against the couch, putting his hands against his face. He felt terrified. What if Fawley decided to do something? What if she went to his dad? If anything upset his parents about school, they'd take him out in a heart beat and he didn't want to leave school. _What do I do_? _Dad didn't do anything wrong, he'd never purposely hurt me! He loves me! Mum loves me! They've sacrificed everything for me! How do I fix this?!_

He curled up on the couch, burying his face into the purple cushion, and cried.

*

Remus had a violent nightmare, of the Ministry investigating, finding out the truth, and sending in the Werewolf Capture Unit. He woke up just as they dragged him off, screaming and spluttering out pleas for his life. He was on the floor now, in a room he didn't really recognize--no, it was the fourth floor classroom. He had fallen asleep on the couch after crying for a while.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking around, wondering what time it was. Late, that's all he knew. He grabbed his bag, tiptoeing out into the corridors, keeping his senses on high alert as he made his way back to the Gryffindor tower. He barely ran into anyone which told him it was a lot later than he thought. Thanks to his hearing and other wolfy abilities, he managed to avoid the prefects and teachers. Finally he got to the tower, whispered the password, and slithered in.

The common room was mostly empty. A few students looked his way when he came in but nobody said anything, or complained. The clock on the wall said it was nearly ten pm.

Remus went to his dorm. Spinnet, Struthers, and Peter all seemed to be asleep already but Sirius and James were awake, sitting on James's bed, looking at magazines. They grinned when they saw him and rushed over.

"You're back!" Sirius whispered happily. "Your mum's doing better then?"

"Yes... she was doing better yesterday, but I thought I should stay a little longer just in case," Remus said, thinking that would probably help keep them off track.

"You're usually back in the day though," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows.

"Mum--wanted a big family dinner tonight, so I stayed, to make her happy, since we didn't have any classes this afternoon," he said. Both boys nodded, accepting this lie. "Did I miss anything?"

Sirius handed over copies of his notes from the classes Remus missed (they were haphazard, incoherent, and mostly just doodles). Also apparently he missed a big fight between James and Snape on Sunday, resulting in both houses losing ten points and both boys getting several nights of detention.

"All I did was try to wash his greasy hair," James complained as Remus gathered stuff for a shower. "Couldn't really figure out a good soap spell so dumped a bucket of water and soap over him a la levitation. Snivellus didn't take too kindly to that. Guess he _likes_ being dirty and gross."

"You can only teach vermin so much," said Sirius, and James nodded.

*

Remus had a lot of nightmares that night though none that caused screaming. He kept seeing his father being dragged away, leaving him and his mother alone. He tossed and turned, waking up crying at one point. _He's done nothing wrong_! He was still shaken up in the morning and Sirius commented that Remus still looked really peaky. Remus just shrugged, not answering. He wanted to write to Fawley, to beg her to let this drop. He thought Dumbledore wasn't pursuing it--as far as he could tell from what he heard...

Lily was ecstatic Remus was back and asked him to sit with her at breakfast which he did. Apparently him disappearing Saturday after their discussion had made her worried he hadn't forgiven her. "They wouldn't even tell me why you were gone," she added, glaring at his friends. "I was worried you were ill and went to the hospital wing, but Pomfrey wouldn't tell me anything either--"

"My mum again."

"I'm so sorry. Is she feeling better? That's good." She shared with him her notes and he copied them all down between bites, thanking her profusely for her help, both of them giggling over Sirius's frustrating notes though Lily admitted he was a pretty talented artist, when Remus showed her one of the papers. "Hard to imagine someone as unlikable as that doing something as pretty as this," she said, trailing her finger down Sirius's drawing of the Devil's Snare. "I guess everyone's good for something. Wonder what Potter--s--sorry, I'll stop," she said quickly.

Remus smiled, feeling very pleased that she was stopping herself from further insulting his friends. "He's really g-good at Quidditch, you've g-got to give him that," he pointed out.

"I su_ppose._"

After some more talking, Remus also found out he had missed Lily's birthday over the weekend, and he felt awful. He wasn't sure what to do since he didn't have anything to give her--nothing as nice as homemade cookies, but in the afternoon after Defense was over he went to the kitchens and asked for a small single serving cake. He wanted to make it himself but the elves naturally refused to let him touch anything, and after half an hour he was given the cake. He thanked the elves (making them squeak and stutter and wring their tea towel uniforms) and then went to find Lily. She was in the library, so he had to sneak the cake in, but her face lit up when he set it in front of her. She begged him to share until he relented and broke off a small corner, making sure Lily had most of it.

Farrow came sniffing around, and Remus jammed the little pan into his robes pocket quickly, opening up a book, the two of them a picture of innocence when Farrow came out of the aisles. He eyed them both angrily then stormed off; Remus and Lily dissolved into quiet giggles.

*

During the first few days of February, Remus waited for news from his parents. When Arthur brought a letter on Friday, Remus's heart leapt into his throat as he carefully untied it. It was a standard letter from his mother. Loads of I-miss-yous, I-love-yous, be-safes, and a couple you-are-coming-home-for-the-holidays-right? Nothing about Fawley, nothing about his father being accused of anything unfairly. He breathed out, shoulders sagging with relief.

Beside him, James mistook the reaction for something awful and asked if it was his mother again. Remus quickly folded the letter up. "Y--yes," he lied. "Her few days better were a false alarm, she's--feeling sick again."

"Are you going to go see her this weekend too?" Peter asked, mouth a round O.

"I d-don't know..." That'd be a good idea, stay in his little hospital room overnight. That would _definitely_ throw them off the trail. "I'll th-think about it after classes. Er, what's wrong?"

He noticed James and Sirius looking a tad disappointed. "Nothing," they both said.

"Obviously _something_."

"We were hoping to work on the door charm again," James said quietly. "But we can whenever you come back."

"Plus it sucks without you around," Sirius added. The other boys nodded in agreement.

Remus sat ramrod straight, mouth hanging a little open. "You--m--miss me...? When I'm gone?" He couldn't really believe what he just heard, wasn't sure if he heard right.

All three of them looked quite astounded. "_Duh_!" James said.

"Of course we do!" Sirius said.

"Why wouldn't we?" finished Peter.

"Don't get us wrong." Sirius's hand reached out, not quite touching Remus's arm. "We're not trying to sound like we don't like you going visiting your sick mum--that's not at all what we meant."

"Yeah, we know that's important," Peter said, nodding.

"But we like it when you're here," James said. Remus tried to keep himself from blushing and failed. "Wait. Did you really think we didn't?"

"I g---guess I hadn't th-thought of it," Remus admitted. "I'm not... much... at all... so I guess I just... didn't think..." He couldn't finish that sentence, he couldn't believe they _missed_ him. They said they did before but he always thought it was just something to say. He didn't think they actually properly _missed_ him, that they thought things were better when he was there.

"Don't you miss us?" Peter asked. "OW! James, why'dja kick me?"

"He's got a lot more things on his mind when he's gone than we do, dummy!" Sirius snapped, and Peter looked guilty.

"S--s-sorry!"

Remus smiled at Peter. "It's okay, and--and I do. Miss you guys." He meant it, which was scarier to him than anything else.

James and Peter seemed happy while Sirius had a strange, distant expression. It wasn't until after breakfast, when they were on their way to class, that Remus found out why. Sirius walked a little slower than James and Peter, and tugged at Remus's sleeve until he met Sirius's pace. "What did you mean earlier when you said you're not much?"

Remus furrowed his brow. "I'm n-not sure I understand your question?"

"You said you 'weren't much at all', when you seemed surprised we missed you." Sirius stuck his hands in his pockets, gazing intently at Remus, his silver eyes burning into the smaller boy. "We are friends, aren't we?"

"Yes--I just... I'm--you're not..." Remus stammered and struggled with trying to find the right words to explain. He thought 'not much' was the perfect description, so he wasn't sure how to expand on that. "I'm n--not very important at all so just... I f--figured you had--j-just as much fun without me..."

"We aren't just friends with you when we can _see_ you," said Sirius, cracking an amused smile. "We may have short attention spans, but it isn't _that_ bad." Remus snorted. "And you're--more than 'not much', you're important! I don't even know where you got that idea from--well... actually... I think I know why." Remus stopped in his tracks, and Sirius stopped as well, turning towards him. anxious. "It's because you haven't had friends before... yeah? Isn't it? You're not... used to this? Is that why you were so surprised? And think you're not--important?" He sounded a little strained, as if this were a difficult topic for him.

Remus looked down at the floor, annoyed at how accurate Sirius was, how he saw right through him. It also made him nervous, that he might see more than just that. _It isn't that big of a stretch of mind though_, he reminded himself, trying to reassure himself it was a logical conclusion.

"I... guess so," muttered Remus, embarrassed.

Ahead of them James and Peter finally noticed they were by themselves so they stopped, looking back expectantly at Sirius and Remus. Sirius put his arm around Remus's shoulders, guiding him forward. "That's okay if you're still getting used to things. Like, what you told me the other day. Still not used to all this. Sometimes I forget this is all new to you. Honestly, still surprises me you lot like me, too, you know. And, well, I _am_ glad we're friends. I hope you are too."

"I--I am..."

"Good." Sirius let go of him then messed up Remus's hair. "Let's go!" He picked up his pace and Remus tried to smooth down his hair as he hurried after the others.

He knew Sirius's words were supposed to ease his fears but they didn't quite. Remus still felt unsure, and scared; he knew he walked a thin line between them liking him and hating him. How long till his nightmares annoyed Sirius? How long till his odd behavior rubbed James the wrong way? How long till his inability to speak like a normal human pushed Peter away? There was a glass wall that would always be there until either he or one of the others broke it, and everything was ruined.

But... at least they didn't hate him right now (so it seemed) and that was enough for the time being. Until the inevitable happened.


	54. Chapter Fifty-Three - It Ain't Easy Being Green

Friday night was spent in the hospital wing. When Remus showed up and explained to Pomfrey that it would help disguise the truth if he disappeared on nights other than the full moon she agreed, so he spent the night in the little room he stayed in during the days of the moon. He missed going to Study Group but that was okay. He spent plenty of time on his own studying and reading, and the next morning when he showed up for lunch he said his mother was doing loads better already. James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily were all quite pleased by the news. Remus was pleased with his trick, planning to do it again at some point. _See? Nothing connected to the full moon, nope, not at all_!

James was absent for most of Saturday. Gryffindor had a big practice that he went to watch, and in the evening he had detention. Sirius, Peter, and Remus decided to practice hexes. They ended up having a three way battle in their dorm, dodging, diving, and running from each other's spells. It was rather thrilling, especially since Remus won. Peter definitely lost first, winding up rolling around on the ground with the jelly-arm curse, the leg-locker curse, _and_ the rose-petal-sneezing one all togther. It was a close call between Sirius and Remus but Remus fought through the jelly-arm curse as well as a spell that was supposed to make him cough but all it really did was tickle his throat, and finished Sirius off with the full body bind. It was the first time he tried it, and it succeeded.

"YES!" Remus pumped one wavy, noodle-y arm in the air before tripping over Peter. "I _did_ it!" He grinned at Sirius's frozen body then slowly his grin faded as he smelled Sirius panicking pretty bad. "Finite incantatum!" He was worried it wouldn't work, but Sirius's limbs unlocked and he sat up, rubbing his head.

"Good job!" he said, doing decently at sounding approving but the smells coming off of him were telling another story. It had really triggered a terrified response... Remus wanted to apologize, but he couldn't say he _smelled_ the fear on him.

Remus plastered a fake grin on his face. "Thanks!" He wanted to tell him how sorry he was, to promise he'd _never_ do it again. Sirius _still_ smelled pretty panicky, but he was getting up and striding over to Peter, removing some of the spells off him. "You did a pretty good job too, Pete," Remus said.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Not good enough... couldn't even make you cough..."

Sirius punched Peter's arm. "Still you fought well. Let's sneak down to the kitchens and get a victory meal!"

*

James, apparently, had spent the entire afternoon sorting through dead spiders. "Some sixth year knocked jars over and they all broke so all the spiders got mixed up," he groaned during dinner. "So Sluggy had me an' Snivellus sort through them. I swear some of them were still alive." He glared across the hall at Snape. "It's all his fault anyway. S'not fair I'm being punished for trying to help him."

He complained all evening in the dorm after curfew. Remus went to bed early with his pillow over his ears to shut him out. The next day James had detention with Slughorn again and Remus expected _more_ Snape-related complaints however when he finished detention James ran to the dorm, eyes sparkling. He ran in so fast he crashed into Peter's bed when he failed to stop himself.

"GUESS WHAT!" He bounded to Sirius's bed and pounced on his friend. "Oh--lads--this is perfect--this is perfect!" Then he began laughing, legs kicking.

Remus, Peter, and Sirius all just stared at their friend. "Um, maybe he got into amphyr petals?" Peter suggested.

James just kept laughing so much that Remus thought perhaps Peter might be right. But finally James sat upright, panting. "Okay so Saturday--Saturday--there's gonna be some stupid thing--and we can--we have to!"

"Jimmy, mate, you're not making any sense," said Sirius, enjoying watching his friend acting like this.

James took in a deep breath. "Dinner! Saturday! Have to! Sabotage!"

"Oookay, sabotage dinner on Saturday?" Sirius asked and James nodded. "Why? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for it, but I just wanna know what makes Saturday so special?"

"Not _our_ dinner," James said, clutching his sides. "After our supper there's gonna be a special romantic Valentine's thing. Sluggy was talking about it. I think it's more like a dessert thing, but we can--we can..."

"Sabotage," Sirius said, grinning from ear to ear. He and James shared a high five. "Okay, what do we do?"

"Something in the dessert?" James suggested. "Or the drinks? Something we can make in a week..."

The two of them pulled out their Potions books, flipping through. Peter crawled onto Sirius's bed to join them and after a few more minutes Remus gave up on the book he had been trying to read, moving over onto the bed with them as they debated which would be the best choice to make. James kept flipping through to more advanced potions... one they wouldn't be learning until their older years.

Finally they settled on the Hair-Raising potion which they weren't supposed to learn till next year, but James thought it looked decently easy enough with a hilarious result.

"No offense, Remy, but..." James snapped the book shut, raising his eyebrows at him.

"I know, I'd just mess it up," replied Remus, not at all offended.

That night at supper Dumbledore made the announcement about the special event. Couples (third years and older) were invited to a special dessert treat on Saturday evening at six-thirty pm. There would be a variety of treats, and decorations thanks to the Head Boy and Girl, and the prefects. At study group, Buckling said it was because two of the Ravenclaw prefects were 'head over heels' and had arranged the whole thing. She made a face while saying this, finally admitting her sister was one of the lovey prefects.

"I think it's sweet! Pierce said. "Hopefully they do this again in one of our other years!"

"I think it's gross," Bones put in and Pierce glared at him.

Overall the table seemed to be boys versus girls, the girls thinking it's romantic, the boys thinking it's pointless. The only girl who thought it was dumb was Buckling, and Silverlocke admitted he could see the romantic side. When Remus agreed on the silliness of the whole thing, Lily seemed a bit betrayed which made Remus feel a _little_ bad but not too much. Really, it just all seemed pointless.

*

On Tuesday Remus went to Occlumency with a plan, assuming Fawley was there which she was. She was standing near the window, listening to the rain outside, and turned when Remus came in.

"I wasn't sure if you'd b-be here," he said.

"I must admit the same." She went to the couch, cane sweeping to make sure no obstacles had appeared. "I was worried you wouldn't ever come back," she said quite bluntly.

"I--I n-need these lessons," he pointed out and she nodded. "I'm ready when you are."

Fawley reached out and into his mind. She had intended to just skim however Remus determinedly focused on specific memories. _Him aged eight, curled up on the couch at home, his head in his mother's lap, her stroking his hair, Lyall reading a book out loud to them. Him, nine, just after the full moon, his father gently carrying him to the bathroom. Him, eleven, being taken into Ollivander's shop, his father watching with a smile as Remus received his wand..._

She let go, breaking the Legilimency. She had a frown on her face. "Remus," she said.

"Yes?" he asked innocently.

"I know what you're doing." He remained silent, pulling his feet up onto the couch, fingers twisting into the sleeves of his robes. "I'm sorry to have upset you. I am.

"Dad loves me," he said fiercely.

Fawley furrowed her brow, the frown getting deeper. "If you have no intention of practicing Occlumency tonight, I shan't waste my time here."

He cringed back at that, a flush of guilt sweeping through him. "I--I do. I just--it's just--please don't--do anything. You--don't understand. He began wringing at the hem of his sweater.

"I'm not going to go to anyone else, if that's what you're worried about. I've spoken with Albus and he says that right now we can't do anything, as going to the Ministry is out of the question."

"There's n-nothing to do though anyway even if you _could_ go, because, well, there's--there's nothing," he replied. She gave a little shake of her head, whether because she disagreed or just found him stupid in that moment he wasn't sure. Possibly both. "Dad loves me."

"Very well," she replied sharply.

He glared at her a little bit then she put her hand against the side of his head again. She was skimming recent memories now, and wound up breaking contact when she saw what happened with the sticking solution.

"It isn't that funny!" he complained as she bent forward, laughing even harder.

"Oh, Remus!" she cried out. "I'm sorry, dear! But it is!"

He scowled, then began snickering a bit too as yeah it had been funny, and he had been _right_ and his friends had been wrong. "They should have listened to me."

"Yes, they should have." Fawley grinned at him. "There is a spell for making rope appear, by the way, in case you need to smuggle anything out your window again."

"Did you get into a lot of trouble in school?" he blurted out.

"Certainly," she said in an amused tone. "I was in detention quite a bit. Not as often as Potter and Black seem to be gearing up for, however enough times that the Head of Hufflepuff during my time at school was quite disappointed. Now then. Shall we try again? Come on, I'm sure if you focus hard enough you can resist a little like you did before..."

Remus started feeling a little more relaxed again, hoping the whole her-thinking-his-dad-was-bad thing was over now.

*

It seemed as Valentine's day grew closer, the older students started acting weird. There was loads of flirting, and guys asking girls to go into Hogsmeade with them as well as to the special dessert thing. Sirius decided he wanted to try to go. He went and asked a third year girl if she'd take him. She just laughed at him and he returned to his seat, not looking at all ashamed.

"You never know," he said, nose in the air while his friends also laughed at him.

"You really wanna go to something like that?" James asked, a bit of a sneer in his voice. Sirius shrugged. "Well, anyway, we need to start making the potion probably tomorrow in case we get it wrong, that way we'll have time to redo it if we need to."

Remus was glad James got the subject changed away from boring romantic crap. "There is one problem with the potion," he said and they all looked at him. He glanced around then bent in, lowering his voice. "Coda flower. We don't have much in our potion kits, and we'll probably need them for something later this year."

"There's usually enough extra," Peter pointed out.

Remus shook his head. "I've read through the book completely. There's hardly any extra. I don't think we should risk it. If any of us are down the flowers when we need them, Slughorn will probably be able to guess."

"So what, we don't make the potion?" James grumbled, leaning back, hand smacking against the table. "Is that what you've been wanting? You need to loosen up."

Remus rolled his eyes, tamping down the flare of hurt James hopefully didn't mean. He wanted to ask why they thought he was such a stick in the mud, when he had proved himself as a troublemaker! "Actually, I w-was suggesting t-t-taking some from Slughorn's cupboard." He hoped no one else noticed his stutter returning, from being upset with James.

"Whoa-whoa-whoa, you mean... _you're_ suggesting we break in and steal?" Sirius asked, lips quirking at the corner.

"Yes."

"Okay, I take back my loosen up comment," James said cheerfully. "That's pretty loose."

Now Remus smiled. "He's got loads of extra stuff, and we only need a few. He _might_ not even notice them missing but even if he does, he's no evidence it was us. Unless we get caught taking the potion into the kitchens."

"Will the house-elves tattle?" Peter asked.

"Probably," Sirius said.

"I don't think they would," Remus argued and Sirius's eyes narrowed. "We just need to be really careful--"

"If we go in when they're all busy and pretend we're there to get like, a snack or whatever, and one of us slipped the potion into the batter or something...?" James shrugged. "It's a risk we've gotta take. Urgh, I _wish_ I had that cloak already."

"What cloak?" Remus inquired, curious. _How could a cloak help us?_

James's eyes glittered but he just shook his head. "Not important right now." Sirius was grinning, obviously knowing what James meant, but at least Peter looked as bewildered as Remus felt, so he wasn't _completely_ out of the loop.

"Let's make the potion, then figure out the, uh, getting it into the kitchens," Peter suggested, and everyone agreed to that.

"We have Potions tomorrow so maybe we can slip the coda flower then?" Sirius asked.

"It should just be in the main cupboard in the classroom, so we'd be seen," said Remus, rubbing his chin in thought. "However there's bound to be some security spells on it if we break into it outside class. Perhaps the best course _would_ be to get into the storeroom itself during class tomorrow..."

"Let's try getting into the cupboard tonight," James said. "If that doesn't work, we'll do the storeroom tomorrow."

So that evening while most the castle was at supper, the four of them were down in the dungeons. The classroom itself wasn't locked up very well and a simple Alohomora from James got the door open. James, Sirius, and Remus went in while Peter kept a wary lookout. Remus had wanted to be lookout, however James and Sirius pointed out they A, might need help with the cupboard, and B, had no clue what a coda flower _looked_ like and didn't want to rummage through everything taking up precious time.

As soon as they were in the classroom they rushed over to the giant cupboard. Remus pulled his sweater up over his nose, trying to block out some of the lingering scents; whatever Slughorn's last class had been, it was _stinky_!

"Alohomora," James said, tapping the cupboard.

At first nothing happened. Then smoke started pouring out of the keyhole. Then something liquidy shot out, spraying all three of them. James jerked back, crashing into Sirius and the two of them went down. Meanwhile Remus was diving to the ground, coughing hard because whatever was on him smelled strong and some of it was glopped on his face, just below his nose. He began gagging, rolling back and forth, swiping at his lower face.

"RUN!" James shrieked as a loud whistling sound began piercing the air.

They scrambled to their feet, running as fast as they could out the door, knocking into Peter. Sirius just seized hold of the back of Peter's robes and the four of them ran down the corridor.

Remus skid to a halt as he heard noises up ahead, and the three of them banged into him. "Other way, _other way_!" He spun around, shoving at his friends. The whistling sound was getting louder, and he could hear Filch laughing maniacally as he hurried to catch the culprit. They scrambled and ran and then dove into a secret passage that James and Sirius had discovered just recently; it was a narrow, cramped, drippy, cold passage but they pushed their way through single file. The passage wove its way underneath the Great Hall, then there was very long flight of stairs that normally Remus wouldn't trust at all, until finally they tumbled out on the first floor.

"We need to get to the tower five seconds ago," hissed Sirius. "Without anyone seeing us."

That's when Remus finally noticed James and Sirius were both dyed green. He looked at his hands and saw he was green too. There was a green hand print on Pete's robes where Sirius had touched.

"There's another secret passage nearby, come on," said James and he led the way. Remus kept his ears out and before they could get to the passage, he whispered that someone was coming. They ducked down a side corridor, bunching up in a nook.

"Pete!" Sirius suddenly began yanking Peter's robes off of him. "Go to the Great Hall. Anyone asks, we're up in the dorm."

"But--"

"Go! We need an alibi!"

Peter stumbled out and went as fast as he could back downstairs.

"Think it'll work?" James asked as they began creeping again.

"Probably not," sighed Sirius. "But it's the best we can do."

"No it's not," Remus said, a hopefully good idea popping into his head. "Second floor, let's go."

They made their way to the second floor where Remus went straight to the girls' bathroom, ignoring the _Out of Order_ sign. "Myrtle!" he called as soon as the door swung shut behind James. There was sobs from the stall where she had died. "Myrtle?" He went over, knocking at the stall door.

"What do _you_ want?!" Myrtle appeared, looking rather annoyed. "I was having a good--oh!" She stared at James and Sirius. "Hullo. More boys." She peered at them closely. "Why are you all green?"

"Hey, erm, Myrtle, would you be able to do me a _huge_ favor?" Remus asked. "Could we use you as an alibi?"

Myrtle swung her head around. "An alibi? What for?"

Remus toed the ground, ignoring James and Sirius now glaring at him. "To keep us out of trouble."

Myrtle studied him closely, drifting close to him. "Oooh, what did you _do_?"

"Broke into the Potions' cupboard," Remus said even though James was shaking his head and Sirius was making cutting motions across his throat to indicate _DON'T_! They both threw their hands in the air in annoyance when he confessed.

Myrtle just giggled and came even closer, her shoulder brushing against his, sending cold chills throughout his body. "You naughty boy, what were you doing?"

"Nothing _bad_," he promised. "I just wanted to make a potion to get back at some guys that have been bullying us."

Myrtle perked up at the magic word he'd knew would work. "What were you going to do? Something painful?"

"Yes," Remus lied and she began cackling excitedly. "Would you help us? Please?"

"Of course!" Then she looked at James and Sirius again, particularly Sirius. "I'll just say I was in a bathroom somewhere and you three were in there... one of you was throwing up pretty nastily..." She looked Sirius up and down then floated to him. Sirius rubbed the back of his head, looking a bit awkward. She floated in a circle around him, then stayed behind him which made him more uncomfortable. "If you promise to bring_ them_ back again, when you're not all green." She bent on over Sirius's shoulder. "Especially you."

Sirius stared wide-eyed in horror at Remus, mouthing the word 'no!'.

"Okay," Remus said, ignoring the fact Sirius was now glowering. "Thanks Myrtle. You're the best."

"I _know_."

They hurried the rest of the way up to the Gryffindor tower (mostly through secret ways that James and Sirius knew about), and then took quick showers trying to get the dye off of them. It took a lot of scrubbing but finally they were all clean, and wearing clean uniforms. They hurried back down to the Great Hall and almost as soon as they went in, they were apprehended by McGonagall who wanted to know where they had been the past hour. They told their lie, acting as innocent as possible. She told them someone had tried breaking into Slughorn's cupboard just after supper started, and since they were all missing at that time she suspected them. They stated they hadn't, she made it clear she didn't believe them. Then James startled her by saying they had proof that at the same time someone was doing that, he was throwing up. "There was a ghost in the bathroom."

"Which ghost?" McGonagall demanded.

"We don't know her name," Remus put in quickly. "She looked maybe a little older than us? Glasses? Real glum except she seemed to enjoy seeing James vomit." He knew that'd be a spot on description of Myrtle from someone who didn't know her.

McGonagall pressed her lips into a thin line then told them to come with her. She marched them up to the second floor girls' bathroom where she called for Myrtle, who told McGonagall that just after five pm she was floating around in one of the bathrooms on the sixth floor when _those three_ burst in and one of them started throwing up.

"It sounded dreadful," Myrtle said, clearly pleased at the idea. "I thought he was going to die."

"I see. Thank you, Myrtle. Come along, boys." She took them out of the bathroom, frowning. "I apologize for accusing you. Normally when someone causes trouble it's you two behind it..." She eyed James and Sirius.

"Well, this time we're innocent!" James said brightly, one of his beautiful smiles on his face.

"So it _seems_." McGonagall gave them a look like she didn't believe them for one second, but all three had innocent expressions. "You're feeling better, Mr. Potter? Do you need to go to the hospital wing? No? Well, all right then. Carry on..." She gave them another suspicious scowl then swept off to the stairs.

All three of them breathed a sigh of relief, and then went back to the Great Hall for the very tail end of supper, and to let Pete know what happened.


	55. Chapter Fifty-Four - Valentine's Prank

The four boys stayed up that evening instead of their usual pre-Astronomy naps, all of them feeling quite victorious over escaping getting caught, James, Sirius, and Peter all congratulating Remus on his brilliant plan to get an alibi like he did. However, they were not deterred. The next day before Potions Sirius asked Remus what the coda flower looked like. Remus (a bit exasperated since it _was_ in their Herbology book!) showed him but as it turned out, they didn't need to even break into the storeroom at all. During class Sirius just said he forgot his potions kit so after a long lecture from Slughorn, he was permitted to go to the cupboard and fetch the ingredients needed. When he came back, Remus heard Sirius whisper to James that he got the flower.

After class, Slughorn had Sirius stay behind and they thought perhaps he had been caught, but it turned out Slughorn just wanted to give a_nother_ lecture to Sirius about bringing the proper tools to class. Sirius came out grumbling, hissing out that next time he'd rather they just steal from the storeroom because anymore of that and 'I'll go nuts I swear I will'.

James and Sirius worked on the potion while Remus was at study group, after which he hurried up to the bathroom to see how they were coming along, sitting with them until it was done. Of course they made Peter test it out (which Remus thought was unfair). When all his hair stood on end they high fived each other and began bottling the potion up so they could take it to the kitchens on Saturday.

*

Friday afternoon Remus started feeling that panicky, sweaty, dizzy, scraping feeling again--like he needed to escape his friends. He wasn't really sure why, nothing _bad_ had happened. It just sorta started. This time he took a few deep breaths, said he really needed some time to himself, and went up to the dorm to hide under his bed. He still felt shaky, but began to calm down--except he also felt pretty bad for having to do this. _It isn't fair. None of them have this happen. _He wished he knew more about werewolves so he could say for sure that's what it was, but what if it wasn't? What if he was just... broken?

Sometime later the door opened and Sirius's fancy shoes approached Remus's bed, then he dropped down to the floor to look. "Doing all right?" Remus just shrugged. "Do you need anything?" He shook his head. "Okay. Do you want me to check on you before we go to sleep so you don't sleep under there? Or leave you alone?"

"Y--yes p-please. Check on me, I--I mean."

"Okay. Um. Is it anything we did or...? I mean, if we upset you..."

"No," he whispered. "Just... that... itchy feeling again..."

"Okay. It's okay. I'm just wanting to make sure we didn't, erm, do anything. I'll see you in a bit."

Remus did wind up falling asleep under the bed, and Sirius woke him up at around nine, helping him out. Spinnet cast disgusted looks at the sight of Remus coming out from under the bed. Remus went to the bathroom to change into pajamas then hesitated outside the dorm door, since there was an argument going on. Spinnet and Sirius, no surprise there. Spinnet was going on about Remus being insane, Sirius was threatening to cut Spinnet's tongue out.

"Did you learn that from your _family_?" Spinnet sneered. There was a crunching sound, gasps, and a thud at the same time Peter yelped out Sirius's name while Struthers yelped out Spinnet's name, and then Remus threw the door open to find Spinnet laying on the floor, blood pouring from his nose. Sirius was standing over him, James with an arm around Sirius's chest to hold him back.

Sirius yanked away from James and stormed out of the dorm. Remus quickly stepped aside, quivering a bit from fear, but as Sirius passed him he didn't look angry, he looked _sad_. Also he smelled like a mixture of anger and sadness, but more sadness. Remus watched him disappear into the bathroom then he crept into the dorm. Spinnet got to his feet, wiping the blood off, glaring at Remus as if it were _his_ fault.

James mumbled something about Sirius before runnig out, going to find their friend to see how he was doing. Remus just disappeared behind his curtains, not sure _what_ to do besides blaming himself. If he hadn't been under the bed, the fight probably wouldn't have started. He stayed up as everyone else went to sleep until finally James and Sirius returned. Remus peeked out a crack in his curtains, watching the two of them climb into James's bed. He figured they'd stay up talking but nothing else happened, so he closed his curtains figuring they had fallen asleep talking again--except, Remus would have heard them if they were talking. Even with the sound absorption on James's curtains Remus could still hear inside decently well. _Did they just go to sleep? In the same bed_?

Remus shook his head and tried to go to sleep despite the feelings of confusion and guilt.

*

"Feeling better today?" Peter asked at breakfast, since he hadn't gotten a chance to talk to Remus the night before.

"Uh-huh, thanks. I'm sorry for being--"

Sirius rapped his knuckles very lightly against the top of Remus's head. "No need to apologize, told you loads of times before, s'ok if you need to do that. Doesn't bother us."

"Not at all!" promised Peter. "I mean, I might not really understand it but, you know, it doesn't bother me either. It's okay!"

James nodded in agreement however he was too excited about their prank to waste time talking about something as boring as feelings. Instead he started going on about the possibilities to get the potion into the desserts, how they were going to get around the house-elves noticing. There was a _lot_ of discussion and finally Sirius just said grouchily why not go into the kitchens right now to see what was going on? So after they finished eating, down they headed. There wasn't much preparation yet although Remus asked.

Ever since Remus had shown his friends where the kitchens were, Peter often disappeared into them and had a rapport with the house-elves as good as Remus did, and between the two of them they managed to get information that the elves would start their work around three pm. Bibble whispered she'd set aside some of the big cake just for her two favorite students, which caused both of them to blush gratefully and thank her, which caused her to squeak and bow and go into a tizzy over being thanked.

When they went into the Great Hall for lunch, they saw frilly decorations everywhere. Loads of pink and white and purple, and all four boys made gagging sounds as they found seats. Lily--sitting nearby--made a comment about the 'lovely decor' to Remus, and James pulled his bowl of noodles up to his mouth then made fake retching noises, dumping the noodles on the table as if he had thrown them up.

"You're SO disgusting!" Lily complained as he laughed.

James picked a noodle up and held it above his head, letting it drop down into his mouth. He made loud smacking noises then picked up another noodle. His eyes were on the noodle so he didn't notice Lily get her wand out. The spell shot out just as James dropped the noodle in his mouth and then he began gagging, making real retching noises as he spit the noodle out--except it wasn't a noodle anymore, it was a wriggling worm.

"EWWWWW!" several students around them exclaimed.

Lily grinned and Remus couldn't help but grin too. It was absolutely nauseating, but brilliant. At least Sirius was laughing, slapping the table, so he didn't feel like too much of a traitor to James. Peter made a sort of urrruping sound, running from the hall, hand over his mouth.

James began wiping a napkin across his tongue, glaring at Lily. "Why'd you do that for?!" He swept the worm off the table and began chugging at water. A tear was glistening on his cheek from the retching.

Lily put her wand away quickly. "You deserved it, James Potter! You're nothing but a miserable _ghoul_!"

"Whiny _hag_!" he spat right back out.

"Pratty _plimpy_!!"

James went for his wand. "Cheeky chime --"

But then Sirius clamped his hand over James's mouth and with his other hand tugged at James's wrist, pulling the wand back down. "Yo, we don't wanna get in trouble right now, we have a mission this afternoon!" Sirius hissed into his ear.

Lily's cheeks were bright pink and she got up from her seat, storming out of the Great Hall. Remus watched as a second later Snape rushed from the Slytherin table after her, shooting dirty looks at the Gryffindors.

James shoved Sirius's hand away. "Remy, I have _no_ idea how you could be friends with her. She's absolutely _horrible_." He looked at the pile of noodles on the table and scooped them back into his bowl before shoving it away, settling for a sandwich instead.

Remus wanted to go after Lily too but knew if Snape was there it was just end up in an argument. Or worse, a fight. Lily would just be more hurt. So he waited until later in the day to find her and make sure she was all right. Which she promised she was, she was just 'sick' of 'that Potter' which Remus couldn't really disagree with, though he did compliment her on her quick transfiguration work. He spent some time with her, playing checkers in the common room, until around three-thirty when he went down into the kitchens with the guys.

Remus and Peter were going to be the distraction. They told the house-elves they just wanted to see all the neat work the elves were doing and asked about various bowls of batter. There was one giant mixing bowl full of chocolate for the Big Valentine's Cake. The house-elf in charge of the cake explained it was going to be a big heart, showing the two a picture that the prefects in charge had given her. While she was distracted, Sirius and James made their way as sneakily as possible to the big bowl and began pouring the potion in. James gave the bowl a few stirs to mix it. They also added the potion to a few other things. Remus thought some of the house-elves probably saw them, but as none of them commented he couldn't be sure.

By the time supper rolled around none of them had been summoned to McGonagall's office which was a good sign. The decorations had gotten worse throughout the day, though; there was lace everywhere, and sparkly pink confetti hearts floating through the air. Remus was _very_ glad the dessert thing was for older couples and not a mandatory feast. James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus ate as fast as they possibly could then ran out before they could be infected by the sickening sight.

"Are you going to study group?" James asked as they wandered the third floor corridors, nothing else better to do. "Or are ya gonna stay in to see if any Gryffindors come trooping in with wild hair?"

"Maybe. I doubt anyone will come back from that dessert until after our curfew anyway."

At six-thirty though (the time the thing was starting) Remus thought of the fact he could eat a piece of chocolate cake in ten seconds flat so he excused himself from the group a bit early and hurried up to the common room. His friends had taken prime viewing spots across from the entrance to the tower, and Remus flung himself down onto the couch between Peter and the corner.

It was not for nothing, that was for sure. It took longer than Remus expected but finally the older students start coming through the entrance, their hair standing straight on end. The four of them had to try their best not to just start _laughing_ at the sticky-up hair and angry scowls. One girl was crying because she had spent ages trying to fix up her hair and now it was ruined. Remus felt a little bad for her, but only very little. The best of the night was hands down a fifth year girl who had extremely long hair. The portrait swung open and she had to duck down, facing the ground as she shoved her couple feet of hair in through the hole first, her body finally following. When she straightened up, she nearly fell over. Remus wanted to make a joke about Marie Antoinette but wasn't sure about his friends' knowledge of 18th century French fashion.

James stuffed his fist into his mouth to try and keep calm, while Sirius was practically smothering himself with a pillow. Peter was hunkered down, his face going purple as he held back his laughter. Remus had his hand over his mouth, making odd choking sounds.

It was just so _amazingly_ perfect.

One of the boys that came through--his short blond hair looking very odd sticking everywhere--spotted the first years and marched over, accusing them of the prank. Well, mostly just James and Sirius both of whom got exceedingly innocent countenances, protesting the accusations. There was a bit of a shouting match. Remus had to give his friends credit for standing their own against a very bulky sixth year who towered over both of them. Finally some prefects came over (one of them with her hair in all directions) because for _some_ reason the prefects seemed to think James and Sirius were guilty too.

"Just because something happened doesn't mean _we_ did it!" James grumbled, folding his arms, lifting his chin trying to give a glare.

"Um, actually, pretty much it does," retorted the sixth year boy.

Remus snorted and tried to turn it into a cough when Sirius shot a scowl in his direction. Unfortunately, James's big head got to him, and he began grinning. "I _know_ we're the Kings of Mischief and all..."

"So you _did_ do it?" the female prefect asked.

James suddenly frowned, not sure how to proceed. "Er, uh, well--"

"Probably not, they're just first years, it's too advanced for them," said one of the male prefects.

"Wait a minute, now look here--" James started and Sirius elbowed him hard. "Oorrf."

The three prefects and non-prefect just eyed the two of them. Sirius popped a fantastic smile. "Great chatting, gotta go!" He grabbed James and dragged him to the stairs.

Peter looked at Remus who give him a bit of a frown back, then they took off as well before they could be attacked. By the time they got to the dorm their friends were in an argument ("I did NOT almost give it away!" "Mate, they were completely baiting you!") and rolled around on the floor, wrestling quite violently until Sirius won and James pouted.

"It was a brilliant prank," James muttered, messing up his always-messy hair.

"Yes, it was," Sirius agreed then his face lit up. "Especially that one girl!" He put his hands over his head, moving them up as high as he could, sending his friends into fits at the thought.

The next day it's all anyone could talk about and more than a few people glanced at James and Sirius. Students complained about the special night being 'ruined' which Remus thought was a little silly--if you were on a date and your hair suddenly stuck out everywhere and your date decided that was a ruining factor, it probably wasn't a very good date to begin with. Course, he didn't really understand anything about dating and relationships as it was so he could have been wrong about that.

At lunch Lily pulled him off to sit with her at the end of the table, by themselves. "You didn't have anything to do with what happened last night, did you?"

"The hair thing?" he asked, stalling for time to try and figure out how to answer. "I didn't do--do it."

She narrowed her eyes at that. "That isn't what I asked." _Crap_, he thought miserably, as she saw through his not-really-answer. "Those two did it, didn't they? Were you part of it? Did you know?"

"What's it even matter?" he mumbled, trying not to sound panicked or upset. "It d-didn't hurt anyone..."

Lily gave out a long sigh. "I thought so. Oh, Remus, _why_? That was so mean!"

He shifted in his seat, staring at his empty plate as she began chewing him out for allowing it to happen. He wanted to point out there was no stopping James and Sirius, and if he had actually tried to convince them not to they would have done it anyway. Plus it _was_ funny. He remained silent, though, sort of just tuning her out, nodding occasionally. When she finished he said he was sorry and next time he'd do better at keeping his friends from spreading chaos, whatever she meant by that. It was really an overreaction, in his opinion. Lily hadn't even been affected and none of her friends had been either--it was all older students. And nobody had been _hurt_! It wasn't even like the Great Bogey Affair Of '72 (as James had started calling it) which, while it shouldn't hurt anyone either, certainly did a lot more than just stand some hair on end.

"Were you even listening to me?" Lily asked.

"Of course I was," he lied. There was one thing he was glad of: he knew James and Sirius and Peter probably wouldn't understand her reaction either. Indeed, later that night when he asked them they all agreed she was blowing the whole thing out of proportion and was wrong to even blame him, and of course she wouldn't understand she's a girl and girls are weird when it comes to hair (though Sirius didn't seem to agree with that, continually running his fingers through his inky black silk locks, looking like he agreed that hair was important).

All in all, they made Remus feel loads better except for when James said, "But you can't really say much, Remy, because you can give as lofty a lecture as McGonagall, I swear." and Remus sulked for the rest of the night.


	56. Chapter Fifty-Five - How's Your Big Head Day, Kids?

Valentine's Day itself was just as annoying as the weekend. Wherever Remus went he came across Flirting and Giggling and also heard a lot of snogging in side corridors. The smell of gross hormones were everywhere. Even the ghosts seemed a little amped up. Sir Nicholas was telling a bunch of girls a really romantic knightly tale, and when Remus tried to hide out in Myrtle's bathroom she kept talking about boys she thought were handsome; she also kept asking him when he'd bring 'the handsome friend' back, which Remus finally figured out meant Sirius. Actually, she got a little aggressive about it.

His mother sent a dozen heart shaped cookies with pink frosting which he split up for only his male friends. He did _not_ dare share _those_ with Lily! He was sure she wouldn't see anything more than just him wanting to share with his friends however he knew Colgate and Inkwood would read too much into it, and he didn't want to deal with their giggling.

Tuesday wasn't too bad, but Remus was still grumpy when he went to Occlumency. Fawley sensed it, inquiring as to what was wrong. He sighed, not really sure how to explain. "Valentine's," he finally said.

"Is there a girl you like that won't notice you?" Fawley asked, tilting her head to one side.

"_What_? No! Eww! No!" Remus crinkled his nose up. "It w-was just a very... frilly... weekend. Ugh."

Fawley gave a light chuckle. "Sometimes I forget how young you are." Remus wasn't sure what _that_ had to do with anything so he remained silent. After she reached into him, the first thing she saw was the results of the Valentine's dessert. She broke contact immediately, full on laughing. "Your friends are too much."

"In a... bad way?" Remus asked, thinking about Lily's lecture.

Fawley just shook her head. "The staff here are in for _quite_ the adventure over the next few years."

Remus had to agree with that. They were already preparing for their next prank which they intended to be the Bogey one. That afternoon had been spent practicing putting spells on a doorway for hours. They were getting better, but no where near the level they needed to be for their plans. Of course one of the biggest problems was: who to spring this on? Naturally the Slytherins. James really wanted to do the Slytherins and Hufflepuffs since that would mean the most kids... except the class they shared was Astronomy so it'd be too risky even for their taste, roaming around after midnight like that with a high probability of getting caught (Remus's words). Ultimately they thought the best choice was Herbology with Slytherins and Ravenclaws. They considered the Potions dungeon with Slytherins and Gryffindors but James wanted more victims.

Once their choice had been made the next step was finding out _when_ the other two houses had Herbology, to see if they _could_ pull it off. If it was at the same time as one of their classes they'd be unable--unless they skipped, which Remus was adamantly against ("Nerd," Sirius complained). James and Sirius began discussing ways to find out and Remus let them go on for several minutes before reminding them he had study group with some of their intended victims.

Over the next few days Remus tried his best to wheedle information from the other students without it being too suspicious (or so he hoped). He knew it was in the afternoon and finally got the unfortunate discovery that their Herbology classes were first thing after lunch on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays when the Gryffindors were still in Defense.

"So we skip," James said, ignoring Remus's McGonagall-esque pressed lips. "We're gonna get caught anyway since we gotta hang 'round to keep the spells on the door."

"Or we just inflict the prank on Potions class," Remus suggested.

"That'd only be twenty-two students," whined James.

"It's still quite an accomplished feat... Almost _two dozen_ at once if we manage the prank."

That drew an egotistical smile onto James's face. "True."

Sirius spun his wand between his fingers. "Shall we try the door spell _with_ the bogey spell...? We've only tried the tripping jinx up until now and we're managing _that_ pretty good."

Peter gave a heavy sigh, rubbing his nose, anticipating already having to be the 'volunteer'. Remus hopped out of bed and pointed his wand at the door, focusing hard as he muttered the incantation. It took a lot out of him still. The door glowed faintly blue for a second then it looked normal again. Sirius and James pointed their wands, carefully pronouncing the bogey hex. The door glowed again, then faded.

Peter--who had already gone outside--came in when James shouted the okay. He nervously jerked through the doorway, hand going to his nose. All the boys waited with no reward: no bogeys, no glops, nothing. Peter dropped his hand, shrugging at them. They tried a couple more times but Remus grew too exhausted to keep trying much longer so they gave up for the time being.

"The more complex the spell, the harder it is to keep that activation spell on there," he said as they all flopped onto the floor to share some of James's candy.

"Shame you don't just put the activating spell on it and can leave it like that," Sirius mused as he unwrapped a gummy cauldron. "You know--just, having to keep that connection seems so... so... uhhh... not productive..."

Remus tried his best not to roll his eyes. They never listened. How did teachers do it? "It _does_," he explained slowly. "That is the intention of the spell. We're eleven. Trying a very advanced spell. It's not going to work properly or have its full efficiency."

"Actually, Pete and I are twelve," Sirius said, jabbing the air with one finger. "But I get your point."

Never before had Remus felt the absolute and unconditional need to put his head in his hands and groan. Or scream. Both seemed like good options while Sirius kept that cocky grin on his face.

"I can't wait till we get older and learn even _cooler_ spells!" Peter exclaimed, clapping his hands. "Well, you guys learn cooler spells. I'll probably still be working on our first year stuff."

"You'll be fine," Remus said, a little muffled since his hands were still over his face.

Peter gave him a small smile, not believing him at all. "You are all so much better than me. Especially you, Remus. I don't know how you do it. Your brain is like... not even human."

It took a lot of effort to continue smiling, to not react, not look like he had just been punched in the gut. A small part of him felt terrified by Peter's words... like he had figured it out... but Remus knew Peter didn't actually know, he was talking about Remus's intelligence level. However he couldn't shake off the icicle of dread that had formed inside of him. His friends were now laughing, joking--mostly about Remus's brain. Sirius rapped his knuckles against Remus's head very gently, saying something that, frankly, sounded like gibberish to Remus. They all sounded nonsensical. Not English. Remus excused himself for the bathroom and once inside he took several deep breaths, balancing himself against the sink. Peter's words pulled Remus into that dizzying, sweaty, shaky, panicky sort of feeling that he despised. He didn't blame Peter at all; he had meant it as a compliment, and Remus felt like absolute crap that someone _complimenting_ him could send him into this spinning abyss. It wasn't right!

Finally he splashed his face with cold water to try and calm down, then returned to the dorm feeling like he was almost drifting outside his own body. _Maybe's Sirius's snark did make my soul eject itself... _He continued to feel weirdly detached from everything which he didn't like one bit, especially since his friends still sounded incoherent. Then he couldn't take it another second. It took a lot of stammering and stumbling with words until Sirius realized what he was trying to say, figuring out that Remus needed to be alone. _I'm sorry,_ Remus thought as they left the dorm. _I don't know what's wrong with me--besides the obvious... but--I'm sorry_...

He crawled under his bed and curled up there, clutching a book he intended to read but instead just fell asleep.

*

Saturday brought another Quidditch game to the school: Ravenclaw versus Hufflepuff. Remus thought it'd be a good time to practice their prank since they wouldn't really have to listen for anyone to interrupt them for a while, however all three of his friends wanted to go to the game. They begged Remus to go with them and after he continually refused they finally trudged off towards the pitch. The Gryffindor common room was pretty empty so Remus just stretched out on the sofa by the fire and read for a couple hours, completely lost in his book, until everyone returned, disappointed that Ravenclaw had won by a lot. James tried explaining the points to Remus who just nodded, pretending to listen, figuring he could probably read a Quidditch book over the summer to prepare for when James got on the team.

"Our game against Ravenclaw isn't until the end," grumbled James as he messed with his Gryffindor scarf. "May. We've got Slytherin first."

"We should fight Slytherin last, it'd be the most epic," said Sirius. "Ravenclaws are just boring."

The next day, however, they had a pretty bad altercation with some Ravenclaws. It was entirely James and Sirius's fault. The four boys had been playing outside in some fresh snow and were heading back to the castle when James and Sirius decided to race. They sprinted ahead, bursting through the castle doors, knocking into two Ravenclaws who angrily protested their rambunctiousness. Remus and Peter jogged into the corridor just as the shouting match began.

"--WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" one of the Ravenclaws yelled.

"YOU'RE THE ONES STANDING AROUND IN FRONT OF A DOOR!" James yelled right back.

Remus covered his ears as their voices grew louder, more intense. The female Ravenclaw did her best to get the boy to back down while Peter began tugging at James's sleeve.

"Ugh, _Pratty_ Potter!" the Ravenclaw snarled, using one of the nicknames that had become popular among those who didn't like them. "You Gryffindors are all the same!"

"What, completely awesome?" James struck a pose. "I know we are. Rather be lion-hearted than bird-brained."

"Least Ravenclaws have a brain! You don't seem to have any at all, your ego's taking up too much room in that big head of yours!"

"Oh, _I've _got a big head?" James snorted as he whipped his wand out. "Engorgio skullus!"

The Ravenclaw's head began swelling up like a balloon. Remus's jaw dropped a little as the poor boy's head just grew and grew. The girl stumbled back, staring with wide, fearful eyes at her companion. James just began laughing, slapping this thighs and elbowing Sirius who was laughing too. They were both doubled over, wheezing, tears running down their faces, Sirius managing to get out that they should do the spell again and see how big they could get the kid's head. Remus still had his hands over his ears plus with the laughter meant he didn't hear the footsteps behind them, and was just as surprised when two hands reached out to snatch James and Sirius both, yanking them back. It was a very livid McGonagall.

"What is going _on_?!" she demanded, eyes snapping towards the Ravenclaw whose head had grown about twice its normal size. His skin looked tight, eyes rather popping out like fish eyes. It looked quite painful. "Mr. Aubrey! What happened to you?"

His mouth moved but the sounds that came out were more like moans. He reached up, fingers scrabbling at his shiny, taut cheeks. His friend stepped forward. "Those two!" She pointed a finger at the two Gryffindors in McGonagall's clutches. "They cursed him for no reason!"

McGonagall pulled James back a little to glare at him. "What spell did you use?" she asked and James merely shrugged. "Miss Rockfowl could you please escort Mr. Aubrey to the hospital wing? I'll be there momentarily. Mr. Lupin--" Remus jumped at his name, his stomach churning violently. "--what spell did Mr. Potter use?"

"Actually--I d-d-don't know--" he stammered out. "I d--didn't--um, recognize it..." He wanted to say it was a variation of the engorgement charm but it was probably obvious enough to anyone involved that he didn't need to.

"Thank you, Mr. Lupin. Now, come along you two." She dragged James and Sirius off while Remus's shoulders sagged, feeling both happy he wasn't in trouble as well as a little bit guilty for getting off.

"They're gonna be in so much trouble," Peter whispered, clutching at Remus's sleeve now.

"Especially since I-I-I think James made-made that spell up himself." He wasn't sure though. His mind was spinning rapidly as he tried to think if he had ever heard of that spell before, but he was pretty sure he hadn't. That didn't necessarily mean James made it up, and for his sake Remus hoped he hadn't. "C--come on..."

They waited in their dorm until nearly an hour had passed. Then James and Sirius finally returned. Sirius had a very big grin on his face, his grey eyes dancing with amusement. James seemed a little more impassive.

"Are you in much trouble?" Pete asked, jumping to his feet.

"Yep!" Sirius laughed. "We got big-time detention, points taken off, and a _huge_ lecture. Totally worth it though--did you _see_ how _big_ that guy's head got?!" He fell onto his bed, laughing even harder. Remus noticed James smelled rather angry which he didn't understand, and didn't really want to ask about. He just watched in silence as James rummaged around in his desk, muttering to himself. Sirius finally quieted down and picked up a pillow, lobbing it at James, sending him stumbling. "Oh stop that."

"Hmph."

"Wh... what's wrong?" Remus finally ventured.

Hazel eyes blazed at him. For a second Remus thought James was mad at _him_ for some reason, but then James began shaking his head. "She called it an illegal hex. Cause it's not in any books or anything!" He punched his pillow a few times. "I got in _loads_ of trouble for that. She's even writing home to my parents."

Remus rubbed his arms anxiously. "J--James, did you make up that spell?"

James hesitated then slowly began smiling. "Sorta. Mum did. She's used it on Dad before when he makes her mad. One, he went around for a whole day until she finally removed it."

"Terrific hex," Sirius said then finally James began laughing.

"So will your parents be mad?" Peter asked.

"Ehhhhh." James threw himself onto Sirius's bed. "Probably not. They never get mad at me. I'm their darling. Usually they just say I'm brilliant."

"That explains a lot," Remus said automatically, garnering a dark glare from James. Whoops. At least Sirius snickered--well, hid a snicker.

"Ugh. It isn't fair. He's _fine_, it's just because the spell's not written down suddenly it's illegal?" James decided to go back to complaining, and at least had an audience in Peter who kept nodding, making agreement noises at the proper places.

Remus stretched out on his own bed, going into one of his books. Sirius slid out of his bed to go join Remus on his, and elbowed him for his attention. When Remus glanced up, Sirius held his hand up and began opening and shutting it in the 'talking' motion, nodding to James. Remus put his book against his lower face, trying hard not to laugh. Sirius grinned, elbowed him again, then returned to his bed to agree with James at how unfair it all was. James remained moody until evening when supper rolled around and Aubrey's head was still oversized, then the two of them began laughing all over again

*

Ever since James and Snape had had detention together the week before Valentine's (about two weeks now!), Remus's friends had barely even looked at Snape so he hoped maybe they'd stop, for Lily's sake, however on Monday afternoon a great big tureen of gravy tipped over all over him during lunch. He rocketed out of his seat, dripping gravy everywhere, cheeks pink while his fellow Slytherins laughed at him. Sirius quietly put his wand away and gave James a low five under the table. It was so close to one pm that Remus knew Snape would most likely be late for his next class.

At supper a pitcher fell onto its side, sending pumpkin juice spreading all over the Gryffindor table and dripping into the laps of Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus.

"Snape did it, I saw him," grumbled James, shaking juice off his sleeves. "Such a _git_." Over at the Slytherin table Snape had his head ducked down but his shoulders were shaking with silent laughter.

_We did it to him this afternoon_, Remus thought as he gathered napkins, then was a little surprised that he included himself with that even though he hadn't done it at all, just Sirius. He blotted up the juice, sighing over the fact he'd either have to go to study group smelling like pumpkin or probably miss it all for a shower which seemed like the better option.

"Say, Remy..." Sirius leaned in close. "Think you could convince Evans to tell ya what Snivellus is afraid of?"

"N--no!" he said sharply. "She'd never say. Besides, I wouldn't even ask her." He glanced over at Lily who was watching the four of them with interest. She gave a vague apologetic smile before turning back to her friends.

"What were you thinking?" Pete asked.

"Spiders," replied Sirius, looking quite wicked. "Everyone's creeped out by spiders."

"Even a snake?" joked James, causing Sirius to snort. "Okay so we get spiders. Then what?"

"I dunno, that's about as far as I got. Dump them on him? Put'em in his bag? I wish we knew how to get in the Slytherin common room to put them in his _bed_..."

"Dumping them on him sounds pretty good," James said, rubbing his chin. "He wasn't too keen sorting them when we had that detention together. Course, anyone would flip out if suddenly a few dozen spiders were all over you!"

"Levitate a bucket full of spiders..."

"Then tip it over!"

"Loads of different kinds!"

"Maybe maggots too--"

"We'll save that for someone else. That's too much like family for him."

"Hah! You're right about that."

The two of them gave each other high fives now while Peter and Remus just shook their heads at each other. Seemed the war on Snape was definitely continuing.


	57. Chapter Fifty-Six - Incorrigible Youths

The full moon coming up was a four nighter. He hadn't had one of those since June and was dreading it. Three nights were bad enough, four was _awful_. The worst part was the one after that was a four nighter too. _I'm gonna be missing almost an entire week of classes_, he thought on Thursday, barely paying attention in History of Magic. Binns droned on about some very violent war that happened a couple of centuries ago, making it sound as interesting as cleaning spells. Actually cleaning spells were more interesting. Remus sighed and folded his arms on his desk, head dropping down. He had a few more days until the moon but he had too much anxiety to focus properly.

A note floated over his shoulder, dropping onto his desk. _Remus Lupin sleeping during a class? SHOCKING! - SB_

Then another note came. It had all three of their handwriting on it.

_man todays lesson is so boring even remy is sleeping - SB_

Then in James's writing: _lets just leave doubt ol binnsy would notice anyway_

Then in Peter's: _Remus would never_

Then: _hey remy lets skip class its extra boring today. were all in just need you! - SB_

Remus read the note then glanced over his shoulder. Sirius raised his eyebrows, face lit up with excitement. Remus looked back down at the note, knowing he shouldn't. Skipping class? It was wrong. Then he looked at his parchment, at the 'notes' he had taken from today's lecture. There were maybe two sentences then a bunch of doodles. Everything Binns talked about was in the book...

_Okay_. He sent the note back to Sirius who gave a slight gasp then a soft, "Yes!" Then he raised his hand in the air. "Professor, I need to go to the bathroom."

Binns trailed off then gave a nod before returning to talking. Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus all gathered their stuff and left the room together. Remus felt Lily's eyes on him but didn't look back. He wasn't mentally present enough for the stifling, boring lecture right now anyway. Actually, it was a pretty nice day so the four of them ran outside. The grounds were muddy but the sky was clear and the air somewhat warm for late February. It felt good.

"I can't believe you're skipping class!" James exclaimed as the four of them gathered under a tree near the lake. James immediately began climbing up into the tree while Sirius leaned against the trunk clearly trying to look 'cool'. Peter picked up a few rocks to skip across the lake's surface while Remus spread his cloak on the muddy, chilled ground and plopped down on top.

"Not in the mood today to deal with Binns," mumbled Remus as he pulled a book out of his bag.

"Gonna get in trouble," Sirius said, shooting Remus a smirk. Remus just shrugged. He knew perfectly well how much trouble he was going to be in but he really didn't care at the moment.

"We're rubbing off on you." James hung upside down off a branch, his hair everywhere, glasses slipping, shirt riding up showing off his bare stomach. "Next thing you know you'll be sneaking around after hours."

Remus settled cross-legged, smiling at his friend. "No."

James blinked with indignation while Sirius laughed. "Love it," Sirius said, "just a flat out 'no'."

"You don't sneak around at night, do you?" Peter asked, looking at the two black-haired boys.

"Of course they do," Remus said, garnering curious looks.

"How do _you_ know?" James demanded.

"You wake me up whenever you come and go--er, at least you used to, before my curtains were spelled," he said, scrambling to make sure they didn't catch on at how good his hearing really was, that he could still hear the door opening and shutting even through the sound absorption spells. "I just assume you still do."

James's glasses finally fell off but his hand darted out, catching them before they got to the ground. "Yup. Sometimes."

"You never invite _me_," Peter mumbled quietly, not intending to be heard. _Don't worry, they never invite me either_, he thought, not wanting to say it out loud, not wanting to draw attention to Peter's pouting. However the other two _had_ heard him.

"Fine, next time you can come with us--if you can keep up, and avoid teachers," said James, smirking broadly.

"If you get us caught, though, that's it," added Sirius, tilting his head, eyes intense.

Peter gulped a little, obviously thinking only of the adventure and not the keep-hidden aspects. "M... maybe..."

For the next ten minutes James and Sirius chattered to each other, Peter skipped rocks, and Remus read. A little part of him felt a bit sick (for skipping) however he managed to keep that tamped down well enough. _If Binns wasn't so boring, then I wouldn't have_, he reasoned, knowing perfectly well it was a feeble excuse.

Then Sirius was on the ground next to Remus, snatching the book from his hands to study it. "This isn't even on the curriculum." He flipped through the text-heavy pages of one of Remus's favorite wizarding fictional books. "Why d'you even read so much? It's boring."

"Is not," Remus said, taking his book back. Or trying to. Sirius held it up out of his reach. "I read for the same reason you two get into trouble." Remus didn't bother reaching for it, knowing Sirius would keep it too high. "For the delight."

"'For the delight'," James snorted from above them. "OH! For the DELIGHT!"

Sirius rolled his eyes upwards. "Probably more of a delight than _you_, James Potter."

"You're not exactly roses yourself, Sirius Black." They stuck their tongues out at each other, then laughed. While Sirius was distracted, Remus got his book. Sirius made a face at Remus who gave a shrug back. He flipped through the book to find the page he had been on, and buried his nose back into the text. Except he was very aware of Sirius sitting next to him. It made him uncomfortable, for some reason, and he had to resist the urge to scoot away.

Peter, done with throwing rocks, rummaged in his bag till he pulled out his camera. James, Sirius, and Remus had gotten used to seeing their friend with the camera in front of his face. He liked taking pictures and did so almost every day. He snapped a couple of Sirius and Remus (Sirius posing, Remus trying to hide behind the book, then one of Sirius pulling the book away and Remus looking quite annoyed) then turned the camera up to James.

"Hold on!" James wriggled his way farther out onto the branch until it began dipping. Then James threw his arms out in a ta-da manner. Peter took a picture and then James laughed, turning to make his way back. He lost his balance, arms beginning to flail as he tried to take hold of something--anything--but he didn't manage. He landed on the ground with a sickening crunch.

All three ran over as James rolled over, clutching his leg, tears pouring down his face. "Merlin--Merlin--!" James wailed.

"That's what you get for showing off," Sirius said, hands on hips.

James glared through the tears. "Lot of help _you_ are, mate! Glad I have a friend as caring as you!"

Remus crouched down, feeling the wolf stirring. _Weak, injured, can't run away_. Except it didn't really feel predatory. More... protective? Which made absolutely zero sense. Why would he suddenly feel the need to _protect_ James?! "Your--I _think_ your leg is--broken," Remus mumbled, not wanting to say that yes, James's leg was 100% broken. He knew it. "Let's get you to Pomfrey."

"No way!" James tried to pull away. "We'll get in trouble for being out of class!"

Remus stared incredulously. "You--wh--what?! You'd r-r-rather just lay here with a--a broken leg?"

"Yes."

"They _already_ know we skipped class you absolute _dungbrain_! Sirius, you're the fastest, go get Pomfrey." Sirius took off running. Remus grabbed his cloak and bunched it up, putting it gently under James's leg. He thought he remembered something about needing to keep a broken leg elevated. He _hoped_ that was right.

James whimpered as he lay back. "It hurts..."

"I know."

"I'm so sorry, James, it's all my fault!" Peter said, kneeling down in the mud after fetching James's glasses from where they had fallen.

James shook his head. "Nah, s'my fault, I was, uhhh--I was---well, I was--"

"Showing off?" Remus suggested. James just scowled. He looked like he wanted to say something but his skin was going rather pale and sweat began dripping down, so he just swore softly. After what felt like an eternity, Sirius came dashing back across with the grounds with Pomfrey following. She quickly did some diagnostics magic, confirming Remus's 'suspicion' about a broken leg. She carefully set it, putting a splint along the leg, then summoned a stretcher. James swore again--loudly, this time--as she got him on.

"It won't take but a few minutes to heal up," she said as the floater levitated next to her. "Though you'll probably need to stay in the wing for a bit. You'll be fine by the time lunch is over." She eyed the three boys following them. "One of you can stay." They all knew it'd be Sirius so Remus and Peter stopped walking, watching the three go back to the castle.

Peter began wringing his hands. "It's--"

"Not your fault," Remus interrupted him then returned to the tree to pick up all the stuff they had left. Peter helped him, still distressed. "He'll be fine."

Since class was almost over anyway, the two boys went to hang out in the Great Hall. Shortly after Lily appeared, hurrying over to where Remus sat, pushing Peter out of the way even though there was space on Remus's other side. He expected to be chided so it took him by complete surprise when she asked, "How come you didn't invite me?"

Peter climbed back onto the bench, giving Remus an 'O' mouthed look behind her. "Errr..." Remus didn't know how to respond to that. "Well, er, I g-guess we didn't--I didn't think you'd... want to..."

"I'd never thought _you'd_ want to skip class either," she said rather loftily.

"Binns is boring."

"Ugh, he _is_." Lily began putting food on her plate. "His is the only class I'd ever consider skipping. Have you gotten into trouble yet? Say, where are the two idiots?"

"One of them's right here." Sirius showed up, folding his arms, glaring fiercely at Lily who just smiled up at him.

"And the other idiot?"

"Hospital wing. Could you move it, Evans? I wanna sit by Remy."

"No."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "I said move."

"And I said no! Why's Thing One in the hospital wing?"

"Move!"

"No!"

Peter edged down the bench. "You c-can sit here, Sirius."

But Sirius just kept glaring at Lily who tossed her hair back, turning to face Remus once more. "Why's Thing One in the hospital wing?"

"B--broke his leg." The curiosity got the better of him. "How come you're not still with him?" Remus asked, focusing on Sirius.

"Pomfrey kicked me out cause I convinced him to chug the Skele-Gro--which he did, and now he's really sick. I think he's gonna miss Potions now." Sirius finally sat down where Peter had been, still glowering at Lily. "So, you want to skip class with us next time, do you?"

"Not with _you_," Lily sneered. "With Remus."

"We're a group soooo you'd be stuck with us too."

"I'd rather be stuck to a _troll_."

"Sooooo your little Slytherin friend?"

Remus shifted uncomfortably. He knew his friends didn't get along with one another but this felt worse than normal--their angry pheromones were agitating the wolf. His skin prickled, trying to raise hackles (at least, he assumed that's what was going on).

"How about we--we w--w-wait until we f-find out how much t--trouble we're in before de--deciding to skip again," he suggested, trying his best to break through the tension.

Sirius frowned at Remus's stutter, but it was Peter who spoke. "We won't have to wait much longer..."

McGonagall came through the doors, eyes scanning the Gryffindor table. Once she spotted the culprits she began walking over, face tense. Sirius sat up straighter, a smile already spreading on his face. "Good afternoon, Professor McGonagall! Lovely day, isn't it?"

"Not so lovely after being informed four of my students walked out of class!" she snapped, eyes blazing. "Frankly, I am _not_ surprised at you or Mr. Potter, however I _am_ quite surprised at you, Mr. Lupin." Remus had hoped he'd manage to not feel so guilty however he ducked his head as the shame filled him. Beside him, Peter wriggled a bit, obviously wondering where he fell since McGonagall hadn't even mentioned him.

"I--I w-w-wasn't f--feeling well," Remus mumbled.

"Then you should have gone to the hospital wing!" There wasn't a trace of sympathy in her voice. "A night of detention for each of you. Mr. Potter included." Remus shrank down. His third detention! "Which is stacking onto the detention you already had, Mr. Black, for attacking Mr. Aubrey the other day." She swept off towards the High Table, muttering to herself about incorrigible youths.

As soon as she was out of hearing range Sirius leaned past Remus. "Still wanna skip, Red?"

She sniffled loudly. "Again, not with _you, _with _Remus."_

Sirius opened his mouth, obviously to argue, and Remus jerked his arm, sending his glass of water spilling over into Sirius's lap. "Oops, I'm sorry!" Sirius promised it was fine as he mopped it up, making jokes about Remus's clumsiness. At least the crisis seemed averted as Peter began talking about something else, further distracting Sirius from his disagreement with Lily.

*

After Potions the three boys went to the hospital wing to see if James was still there and hoo boy was he. They gaped openly as they approached his bed, Peter being the first to ask what _happened_.

"Skele-Gro," replied James. "Apparently chugging it was a bad idea. Whouda thunk?"

"Nah, s'brilliant!" Sirius said, grinning broadly at his friend. James had appeared to grow around two or three feet in height but not normally. Instead he was stretched out, kinda like taffy or something. His arms and fingers were especially long.

"Pomfrey says I gotta stay overnight." James made a face which looked really weird since his face was all stretchy. His glasses were only barely hanging off his face so he kept having to push them back up with one of his long fingers.

"Pete, get a picture," Sirius said.

"NO!" James grabbed the covers, yanking them up over his head. "Wait--do I look dumb or creepy?"

"Both," Sirius said.

James lowered the blanket. "Creepy, though?"

"Yes, in a dumb way."

He pulled the blanket down completely. "All right then, one picture."

One picture turned into ten, the last of which James put his noodley fingers all over Sirius's face while he pretended to be horrified. Unfortunately his fake scream attracted Pomfrey's attention, who shooed the boys out of the hospital wing, telling them that James needed to rest.

"That's all she ever says!" Sirius complained, kicking at the floor as they walked off. "It's what she says whenever we try to visit _you_," he added to Remus.

"Yes, well, in my case I _do_ need to rest," he replied.

"What _do_ you have?" Peter asked. "You've never told us."

Remus hunched his shoulders, regretting ever saying anything. "B--blood disease. Genetic. Fr--from my mother. I really d-don't want to-to-to talk about it."

"You don't have to," Sirius promised, elbowing Remu. Peter tried apologizing but Remus promised it was all right. The subject dropped after that, to his relief, and he hoped they never asked again.

*

James returned to classes the next day. He still had a little bit of a stretchy sort of look to his fingers but otherwise was fine. He didn't have very good control of them, though, and kept dropping things in Herbology. He 'accidentally' dropped a small pot full of dampened fertilizer so it splashed against some girls at the desk next to theirs. "Oops," James said, flashing a grin as the girls glowered.

At lunch they all recieved notices from McGonagall about their detention. Remus just stared at his in confusion. _Please report to the kitchens at 6pm exactly this Monday evening (28th) for your detention. _It was exactly the same for James, Sirius, and Peter. However... _It's going to be a full moon_, he thought, trying to keep his face impassive. _Surely McGonagall knows this_?? He wanted to go ask her what the meaning of this was however he did NOT want to draw any attention to himself or the fact he wouldn't be there to his friends.

After a very long (and agonizing) Defense Against the Dark Arts class, Remus excused himself from his friends and hurried to the Transfiguration classroom where McGonagall was wiping off her blackboard. He knocked at the door frame then stepped in when she announced the door was open.

"P--Professor?"

McGonagall turned around, raising one eyebrow. "Yes, Mr. Lupin?"

He shut the door behind him then crept forward, hands trembling. "Um. It's--it's about the--the detention slip? I got?" He held the paper up. "On Monday? In the evening? Um. After s--sun--sun--"

"Yes, I am aware you won't be able to make it," she said, reaching out to lower his hand gently. "I wished Misters Potter and Black to have their detention as soon as possible since I assume if I give them more time they'll merely wrack up more detention. Due to scheduling and other affairs the easiest would be the kitchens on Monday. I figured I'd put Mister Pettigrew in as well. I did not wish to give you a different night, as I was worried it might cast some suspicion." He breathed out a huge sigh of relief. "Did you think I forgot?"

"Y--yes, actually," he admitted, apologetically. McGonagall gave him a wry smile. "Thank you. That--probably helps the deception, really."

"I imagine so. They haven't... said anything, have they?"

Remus shook his head. "No, nothing. They just asked yesterday what I have and I just t-told them a genetic blood disease, from my mother. I said I don't like talking about it."

"The older you get, the more curious they'll be," McGonagall said rather softly.

"I know." He looked back down at the detention slip, wondering just how long he could remain friends with them, when they'd start probing more into his secrets, when he'd have to cut them out of his life. His hands began shaking again.

McGonagall took a step closer to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Remus, I wasn't meaning to upset you."

"I know," he said again, then a tear rolled down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away, embarrassed that she had seen. "I just... l-like... having friends... and--and it won't last... but... I'll just d-do my best to enjoy it while I can." It had only been a few months but he already couldn't picture being at school without the three of them. It hurt him, an ache deep in his chest. It almost felt like it hurt the animal inside of him too which made _no_ sense whatsoever. "Th--thank you," he said, moving away from her, towards the door; he could hear students outside gathering for their class. "Have a g-g-good day, P--Professor!"

He dashed out, knocking into some second year Gryffindors, crashing headlong into a pretty blonde girl who just laughed as he tried apologizing, helping him regain his balance. He turned brilliantly red when he realized the softness his hand hit had been her--her--_chest_. He mumbled another apology and took off running.

"What was that about?" he heard a girl ask.

"No idea, but... he was adorable!" giggled a voice he thought belonged to the blonde.

"That's one of the dumb first years that keeps losing us points," said a boy. "You know, Barmy, Pratty, Loopy, and Pokey? That was Loopy."

"Quin! That's _mean_ to say!" the blonde complained, and whatever Quin's response was Remus didn't hear as he finally got out of range.

He did want to relay some of that to his friends though. He knew James and Sirius would be proud of being known to other students, even if it was with their stupid nicknames that Snape had given them. He'd have to figure out a way to edit out _why_ he was running outside Transfiguration but he knew he'd be able to. The other thing he'd edit out was definitely that girl calling him adorable. No way would he ever tell them. They'd _never_ let him live it down.


	58. Chapter Fifty-Seven - Crying In The Night

The weekend felt very long to Remus. Even on Saturday he was really tired, and on Sunday it was even worse. He slept in very late, waking up only when his friends shook him awake for lunch. As soon as he slithered out of bed he saw the concern on their faces. He dreaded what the mirror would show. _Ugh_, he thought, seeing how _awful_ he looked. He doubted he'd be able to get away with the sick mum story this time around. He looked on the verge of death.

"We can bring you lunch," Peter said, practically hopping from foot to foot as he glanced between Remus and the other two.

Sirius stepped forward. "Yeah, mate, you stay in bed, we'll bring you something to eat."

"I'm f--fine," he mumbled. He opened up his dresser and just stared down at the clothes, feeling confused. Like he couldn't even remember what clothes were for. He _hated_ four moon nights, and the pre-exhaustion just tore at his body. Then James was shutting the dresser drawer while Sirius guided Remus back to his bed. "No, I'm _fine_!" But he fell back into his covers without much other protest.

The three boys had a whispered discussion which Remus heard every word of, involving who would fetch the food, who would stay, and whether they should take Remus to Pomfrey. Then their voices faded into nothingness as Remus fell back into a fitful sleep. He managed to wake up enough to eat the food his friends brought him then agreed to be taken to the hospital wing. They left him alone to get dressed (as well as pack a bag) then led him through the school. Once in a hospital bed, he asked them to please let Lily know. Then Pomfrey kicked them all out.

"M--might as well just go," he said once they were alone, so she helped him bundle up and took him out to the Whomping Willow. Once in the house he just went right back to sleep, and slept until the moon pulled him out of his dreams, on the verge of rising. He fell off the couch and desperately began trying to get undressed. He should have brought something to set an alarm, to wake him up. He hadn't thought of this happening...

He let out a cry as the moon rose and his curse took over. He had managed to get his shirt off but his jeans were going to be ruined. He scrabbled with the top of his pants, trying to push them down through the pain, then his nails lengthened into claws, ripping through the denim, into his flesh. His body morphed and twisted, and he had one small thought of, _At least they're old, crappy jeans_, before the wolf took over.

*

In the morning Remus only had a few small injuries though his clothes had been ruined, and his bag which he had left out. He stared in dismay at the tattered fabric. At the shreds of paper from the books inside. He picked up a scrap of paper then dropped it, watching it fluttering to the floor, landing in a small puddle of blood. He had brought old paperbacks he had gotten from a used bookstore but still...

He got to his feet as he heard Pomfrey down the tunnel, and limped to the bathroom to clean himself off, glad he was able to. He wasn't sure what he'd do about lack of clothes, though; hopefully she'd be able to conjure up some hospital pajamas or something. When he left the bathroom he had a large towel wrapped around his body. Pomfrey had his ruined bag in her hand, trying her best to repair it. It mostly knitted itself back together however Pomfrey's ability definitely leaned more towards knitting flesh and bones back together, not fabric; you could still see claw marks. He'd have to write home and ask for a new bag...

"It doesn't seem to be so bad this time," she said as she put bandages on his wounds. They'd probably all be healed up before lunch.

_I wonder why_, he thought as she did indeed conjure up some pajamas. _Because I slept so much?_ The last time it had been a four nights had been in June. It had been as violent as any other time. Had he slept a lot that day? He couldn't really remember. He did remember his mother fixing a nice steak dinner before, walking with him down to the cellar, sitting with him, stroking his hair, singing to him. She hated four nights, too. Her last letter to him had been bemoaning the fact he had to go through the ordeal two months in a row 'but at least the second one will be at home' which--well, he... needed to write to them...

_They're gonna be mad._ He went to the bathroom to put the pajamas on, sleepily staring at his pale, wane reflection. _I want to stay here for the holidays_. It'd be easier to go back. He knew this. Then he could pretend he and his mother were both healthy during the time away. However, he had heard older students saying the teachers usually gave a lot of homework assignments before the Easter holidays. He kinda wanted to stay near the Hogwarts library if he had a lot of homework to do. _I'll write to them. No harm in trying_.

*

He slept most of Monday, struggling to fight off the exhaustion he felt to his very bones. At one point he woke up hearing Pomfrey arguing loudly with James, Sirius, and Peter. When she came bustling into his room he sat up, suggesting she let them visit him a little bit to prove he's there. She pursed her lips, looking like she'd rather set fire to the hospital wing. But she agreed to let them come in the next day providing his injuries weren't too bad and easily hidden.

He woke up again in the late afternoon when McGonagall came into his little room. "I didn't mean to wake you," she said. "Poppy told me your bag was ruined and I thought I'd see if I can fix it. I'm a bit better at tailoring spells than she is." Unfortunately his bag was too far gone. She managed to make it look better than Pomfrey did, but it still looked like it had gotten tangled in a fight. He didn't want anyone seeing the marks so he'd definitely have to get a new one. McGonagall agreed to take a letter to the owlery for him, so he quickly wrote out a note to his parents, his handwriting worse than usual. He apologized multiple times in the small note, feeling sick they'd have to spend more money on him.

Monday night was pretty cloudy so he didn't transform until around midnight and he came to around three in the morning. He had a pretty nasty gash down his side but otherwise was about the same as the night before. He took a shower, bandaged himself up, and fell into nightmarish sleep on the couch until Pomfrey came and got him.

*

"REMUS!"

He stirred and poked his head out from under the blanket, blinking sleepily at the three figures bounding into the small room. He had already forgotten what Pomfrey said the day before about letting them in.

"Hey," he mumbled, forcing himself into a sitting position carefully.

Sirius, James, and Peter crowded around the bed, staring wide-eyed at the very obviously deathly ill boy before them. Even at his worse before and after the moon he never looked _this_ bad.

Finally Sirius broke the silence. "If it's too much to have company, we can go."

"S'fine," Remus said. "It's n--not as bad as usual." Those words caused all three of them to flinch. Peter gave a gulp, staring disbelieving at Remus as if he couldn't imagine it being worse. Whatever 'it' was. He wondered what was going through their heads, what they were thinking. Perhaps it had been a bad idea for them to see him?

"So you're stuck in here all the time?" James asked, tearing his gaze from Remus to look around the room. "We didn't even know this room existed."

"R--rest helps the most," Remus said. "Keeping me fr--from the rest of the wing is the best way for me to rest. No--no noise."

"We should go," Sirius said firmly.

"No, stay for--for a moment. Please?"

Peter pulled a bunch of candy out of his bag, dumping it unceremoniously onto Remus's lap. "Can you eat sweets?"

"Yes." He smiled and began unwrapping a small chocolate bar. "Thank you."

The bed was small but somehow all four of them balanced on it, crowded close as they shared Pete's candy. James told Remus what he had missed the past couple days while Sirius mostly watched Remus with a wrinkled brow. It wasn't long before Remus's eyes began drooping. Sirius quietly ushered the other two out the door, all of them whispering they'd see him later and hoped he felt better soon. Remus was asleep before the door even shut.

*

The third night went pretty bad but the fourth was the worst. It didn't surprise Remus at all to come back into his human mind surrounded by blood and torn flesh. He cried out when he moved his arm, tried to move his hand. There were deep teeth marks around his wrist from where it seemed the wolf had tried chewing its paw off. He couldn't move his hand at all, it just sort of wobbled uselessly. He had to use just one arm to get himself to shaky legs, limping to the bathroom.

Any hopes of going to Potions in the afternoon were dashed as Remus zonked completely out, sleeping through lunch, the afternoon, only waking up when Pomfrey brought him some food, then he fell back asleep until well after the sun set. His body protested getting out of bed and putting on the clothes Pomfrey had somehow gotten him from his dorm.

_It's nearly curfew, _he thought as he got dressed. _I'll have to rush_. He somehow managed to get to the tower just as seven hit though hurrying had really taken it out of him. He yawned loudly, saying the password, then his mouth snapped shut when the Fat Lady refused to open.

"It's not the password anymore," she said, staring down her nose at him.

"Oh. But--b-but I am a Gryffindor--"

"Then you should know the password."

Remus shifted his weight to his other foot, trying to remember if anyone had something about a password change, what it might be. "C-c-could you go get someone from inside?"

"I'm busy."

He sank down onto the floor to wait miserably for someone to come by. Slowly... slowly... he drifted back into sleep then jerked awake when loud voices approached him. A couple of sixth years. He scrambled to his feet, ignoring their amused looks at being caught outside the tower like this.

"I d-d-didn't know the password," he admitted to the prefect who was giving him a particularly curious gaze, hoping she wouldn't take points off.

"Wellllll all right," she said. "This time. You need to make sure you keep up with the password! It was changed _yesterday_. How'd you even get in last night?" He didn't say anything, just jammed his hands in his pockets and waited. "Spider Eyes."

He gratefully clamored in after the students, intending to head straight for his dorm for more sleep but he was interrupted by Lily rushing over to him. "Remus! You're back! The others said you were really sick?" She spoke rapidly as she pulled him into an alcove. "Are you okay?"

"Um, m--mostly, still--still tired," he said, rubbing his eyes. Her green eyes roved up and down, taking in his entire being in a way he didn't like. "Is s--something wrong?"

"Just worried about you," Lily said softly. "You do look worse than usual. Should you be back?"

"Pomfrey said the--the danger was over."

"Danger?"

"Er, you know, the worst of it was--is--is over," he said quickly. He was too tired to try and think of lies, to try to remember what he had said before. "I really want to get to bed, though, I'm sorry."

Her hand rested against his arm then suddenly she pulled him in for a hug. "Okay," she said in his ear. "I'm just glad you're better." She released him, stepping back, a big smile on her face.

Remus hesitated then nervously walked away from her, wondering what _that_ had been all about. It seemed... unusual. Off. He stopped then turned, going back to her. "Are you okay?" he asked, thinking perhaps something had happened. Maybe with her sister?

"It's just been a weird week," she replied with a shrug. "I guess it just felt like you've been gone for longer than you have. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah. Th--thanks. I'll s-see you tomorrow." He went up to his dorm, figuring it was his tiredness that made him more confused than he probably should have been. He had to deal with his male friends greeting him then finally collapsed into bed, yanking the covers up, and going to sleep fully dressed.

*

He had had a couple nightmares since winter term started that woke him up with screams or cries, and every time Sirius would come over to check on him. Nobody else would wake up, thankfully, but Remus still felt guilty that Sirius was awakened, even if it was voluntarily. That night after the four moons Remus woke up screaming--a nightmare where the moon stayed full, wouldn't shrink, wouldn't diminish, and wouldn't set.

His curtains were pushed aside, revealing silvery grey eyes glinting in the darkness. "Fine," Remus mumbled, trying to get untangled from his sheets. "I'm fine."

"You were crying a lot."

Remus bit his tongue to stop from snapping. "I'm fine." He looked down at his clothes then slithered out of bed. "Thank you, though, for--for checking up on me. You d-don't need to."

"I know I don't," he replied as Remus got out a pair of pajamas. "Did you have nightmares at home, too?"

"Um. Y--yeah." He felt Sirius getting closer but he still jumped when he turned around and found the other boy only inches away. "You c-can go back to sleep, I'm okay now."

"Okay." Sirius stayed where he was. Remus didn't know what to say or even do. "What are your nightmares about?"

_Why the questions_?! Remus stepped back, knocking into the dresser. "D--doesn't matter. I don't really remem--member much about them anyway," he lied, "just how they make me feel."

"Yeah." Sirius finally moved aside so Remus could go. "I always--well, er, I mean, that is to say, it's probably good. That you don't remember them, if they're--affecting you that strongly." He sounded awkward now, like he confessed something he hadn't meant to. He nearly had.

_Always what_? Remus frowned, recalling Sirius telling McGonagall he used to have nightmares too. _Were you going to say you always remember your nightmares? __What are your nightmares about_? He had an idea, knowing a little bit about the Black family. _Fawley's sister's execution? Did you see that? Did you have nightmares? Or other things?_ How bad was the Black family? Suddenly Remus realized Sirius seemed a little paler than normal and there were dark smudges under puffy eyes, mirroring Remus (not as bad). His wolf senses kicked in: Sirius had been crying too, very recently. Within the past hour. He had already been awake, when Remus had his nightmare.

The silence stretched on then Sirius flashed a smile. "Well, goodnight then!" It was sort of strangled, and Remus realized how long he had spent just staring at Sirius with a frown, realizing how bloody _strange_ it had probably been.

"Oh so--sorry, yeah, uh, g--goodnight, and uh, um, thanks again."

Remus left the dorm to change, and lingered outside the door, listening in. He heard Sirius swearing very softly then the sound of something soft being punched (probably his pillow?). _What's wrong_? Remus stared at the wooden door, wishing he could go back in to ask. _Why were you crying_?

He went into the bathroom then froze, smelling the lingering scent of smoke. _What_? He turned on the light, eyes scanning the room. He could smell the smoke but didn't see anything. The smoke was sort of faded, like something had been burnt not too long ago then was put out. He went in farther, looking for evidence of a potion being made except he'd have smelled the potion too. No, this was just like something was burnt.

He followed the scent to a sink. Most the evidence was gone but he saw some ashes clinging to the edges of the sink. Someone _had_ burnt something in the sink then washed the ashes down. Recently, too. Within the past... hour? Like Sirius crying? Was it Sirius? All the other beds seemed undisturbed, the other boys sound asleep. _Sirius_? Remus reached down, wiping his finger along the sink, staring at the ashes. His head began hurting so he just turned the faucet on, rinsing the sink--and his finger--off.

He quickly changed into his pajamas then returned to the dorm. No sounds from Sirius's bed except for breathing but Remus could tell his friend was still awake. The breathing wasn't right for sleeping even if he was trying to make it sound right. It was far too deliberate, steady, a little too deep for how Sirius normally breathed while he slept (it felt odd to Remus that he knew exactly how the other boys sounded while asleep, a little too intimate).

Remus walked past Sirius's bed, resisting the urge to knock on the post, to see what was wrong, to try and _help_. Because he didn't know how to help. He was out of his depth with that even if he had somehow helped Lily a few times.

_I'm sorry. Whatever is going on. I'm sorry..._ He tossed his clothes into the hamper then went back to an uneasy sleep.


	59. Chapter Fifty-Eight - Plans and Presents

_Dear Remus, 1/3/72_

_We've gotten you a new school bag, it's an early birthday present!! I went ahead and included your other birthday present too! Except for something you'll have to wait till your birthday to get of course. My baby is going to be twelve soon! I can't believe it! It seems like just yesterday you were born. You were such a tiny baby!_

_What's all this about wanting to stay at Hogwarts during the Easter holidays though? You're coming home, of course. You can do your homework here. No arguments. Besides the moon will be lasting for longer than usual, you need to be home. _ _How did it go this time? You're still under the curse while I write this. I hope you're well enough. I wish I could be there for you! I can at least be there for you next month._

_I've been thinking perhaps this summer we can take a trip to the seaside. I've been saving up some money for petrol and other things we may need. I haven't been to the ocean in so long. You don't even remember the last time we went, do you? You were three. You built a huge sandcastle then cried when the tide took it out. You've always been such a sweet, sensitive soul. I think a small trip would be nice! Even if it's just you and me. Would you like that?_

_Love always, Mother_

Remus opened the package immediately. He had packed all his school things in a small backpack that barely fit everything, so it was a huge relief to have a proper school satchel again. The satchel looked old and a little dinged up, probably from the antique shop his father worked out. Inside was a wrapped package which he tore open without a second thought. A book, naturally.

"I thought your birthday wasn't till next week?" James asked, watching Remus.

"My other bag got ruined so my parents sent me a new one for a present," he explained as he began putting all his school stuff into the new satchel. Old-new satchel. Whatever. He read the back of the Muggle book for a synopsis (his mother always liked buying him Muggle books, a connection to her heritage) then tucked it away, excited to start reading it later.

*

Remus had missed a Defense test earlier in the week so after supper that night he had to miss Study Group yet again so he could take the test. He felt sick as he approached the classroom, not wanting to be alone with Dedenne; he was certain she was probably in a very similar mindset. He knocked at the door then jumped a little when a voice that _didn't_ belong to Dedenne told him to come in.

It was a much older Ravenclaw student--probably a seventh year. He beamed at Remus, clearly happy about whatever was going on. "Hi! My name's Rowan Sullivan. Professor Dedenne asked me to oversee your test this evening since she's busy with something else."

_Wow. Wowwwwww_. "All r-right," Remus said, setting his stuff down on an empty desk. "It's just a wr--written exam?"

"And a practical one. I'm going to become an Auror and have been working closely with Professor Dedenne this year, so she trusts my judgement," he said, rubbing his hands as he spoke. "I'm getting extra credit."

"Are you gr--grading me?"

"Only the practical session," Sullivan laughed. "Let's get that out of the way, shall we?"

It was mostly a review of things he had learned--the shield spell, knockback jinx, etc, etc. Sullivan was quite impressed, and gave Remus a 100%. Remus beamed, feeling beyond pleased he finally got recognition for something in this class, and wished that Sullivan was grading the written portion as well. When he did finish the test and handed it back to Sullivan, Sullivan gazed over the answers then made a comment about how Remus must be top Defense student in his year. Remus smiled, wishing he could say yes, wishing that Dedenne was fair to him. Instead he thanked Sullivan for his help before heading on out, a little skip in his step for finally achieving an O in that class.

*

Saturday marked one week before the big Gryffindor versus Slytherin game, and Remus was already tired of hearing about it. It seemed that's all people could discuss, at least the Gryffindors. Someone tacked up a drawing on the common room board, a drawing of the Gryffindors destroying the Slytherins who were all characterized as crying babies (it looked remarkably like Sirius's style of art, though remained unsigned and unclaimed).

Remus's mind was more on the end-of-term exams coming in two weeks, as well as anxiety over staying at Hogwarts or going home. He wanted to stay so bad especially since the general consensus around school seemed to be a majority of students staying over because of schoolwork.

"I'm going home," Lily said when Remus asked her on the way to study group. "I'd rather stay here, honestly, but Easter dinner's a thing in my family... and Tuney's always _loved_ Easter so I'm hoping..." She trailed off, her voice tinged with sadness.

"You should take her some flowers," Remus suggested. "Not magical ones, just regular flowers. Professor Sprout would probably have some, she'd probably let you take some."

"Oh, that's a terrific idea!" She bumped against him, grinning. "She'll like that. I guess especially if they're not magical. I'd rather get her something super nice... but..."

"Maybe after she's more used to you being magical," said Remus, and Lily nodded. She still had a smile on her face however she definitely gave off the aura of misery. Remus regretted saying anything--not suggesting flowers, just... the last thing he said.

At study group he found out pretty much he and Lily were the only ones going home. Bones and Buckling both agreed the homework over the holidays were pretty intense, at least according to their older siblings. The exams weren't too bad, just the assignments were heavy. Buckling was of the mind it'd be best to stay at school. Lily shrugged it off while Remus chewed at his quill, figuring he might as well try another letter home.

He really didn't want to admit to his parents part of why he wanted to stay also had to do with the fact he really didn't want to spend his nights down in that tiny, pitch black cellar room...

*

The next day Sirius, James, Peter, and Remus worked more on their bat-bogey prank. Remus was getting really good at the doorway spell as his friends tried more complicated spells on it with Peter--as always--the guinea pig. And today marked the day he walked through and got whammied by the actual bat-bogey hex. Sirius and James began shrieking and jumping around victoriously while Peter tried swatting away the flying boogers. Remus just grinned, super proud of himself even if holding the spell on the doorway took a lot more effort than he anticipated.

"Thursday!" James exclaimed, flicking his wand to get rid of the boogers.

"We need to make sure it _does_ effect more than one person though," Remus said. James rolled his eyes but didn't argue. So they put the spell back on the door and this time it wasn't just Peter who came through, but James as well. They both got hit with the hex so James and Sirius returned to celebrating.

Remus felt a thrilling sort of tingle of anticipation. He couldn't wait to see everyone being bombarded by loads of the bat-bogeys! He knew they'd be caught. Slughorn was going to figure it out pretty much instantly. "We should scope out the dungeons soon," said Remus, causing his friends to go quiet. "If we show up to class early and get our wands out, Slughorn's going to put a stop to it before we even begin. We need to find an area to hide in where we can see the door enough to put the spells on it."

Sirius snapped his fingers. "Remy's got a point."

"There's plenty of nooks and stuff we can hide in, I think," said Peter.

"Yeah, we'll be able to find something," James agreed. "Let's look on Tuesday afternoon. Oh man I can't _wait_!"

"I hope it all goes according to plan!" Peter said, clapping excitedly.

"Me too," Sirius said, eyes twinkling.

"Me three," laughed James.

They looked at Remus who grinned broadly. "Me four!" If they could pull this off, it was going to be absolutely _brilliant_!

*

However on Monday all of Remus's excitement was dashed into pieces when James suggested they go through the door as well, to throw suspicion off themselves: to be hexed. Sirius and Peter readily agreed. Remus kept a smile on his face while inwardly freaking out. He couldn't! The risk--he wasn't human! Of course, the information about the hex didn't strictly say _monsters_ just--just non-humans. It specifically mentioned animals. Werewolves included? He was a non-human-animal-monster thing.

He was so worked up that he didn't even care when Dedenne handed his test results back from Friday, with a very bad grade. That coupled with his 100% for the practical side made the overall grade an A, so at least he had that (Dedenne looked like she had sucked a lemon. Remus figured she'd never let anyone oversee his makeup exam ever again).

After class he excused himself from his friends, stating he needed to be alone. He went to one of the many secret rooms the ghosts had showed him and paced around, chewing his nails down so far they began to bleed. _Fawley_? he wondered as he walked back and forth. He doubted she'd do anything to risk hurting him.

Remus stopped, coming to the only answer possible. He had to try it on himself. Could one hex themselves? Some hexes, yes. But the bat-bogey hex? What if it did hurt him? What if it killed him? It'd be easier to try and get out of going through the classroom door on Thursday. But it would work in their best interest if they did go through. Except he couldn't go through.

Remus gave a small cry and collapsed onto the floor, hugging his knees tightly as he tried desperately to find a way out of this without anyone even beginning to suspect anything! _We're going to get in trouble anyway_, he thought, rocking back and forth. _They'll know it's us_. Except, would they? What they were doing was so advanced, would the teachers put the blame on the four of them? The hex was still popular enough around school that plenty of students--including older students--were doing it. Still, the coincidence of it being _their_ class...

_So we do it to a different class_, he thought, looking up rather hopefully. One of the older classes. When did they have Potions? He was sure they could find out easily enough... Yes, that made the most sense. Older class. Second years, or third years. Surely James and Sirius would agree to that, and it would absolve Remus of having to go through the doorway himself. Yes. A perfect solution! A stupidly obvious one. _If_ they agreed...

*

"What?" James and Sirius squinted at Remus as he stammered out his reasoning for attacking a different year altogether. He knew it was pointless to pitch the idea to Peter at all since Peter'd just go along with whatever the Main Two said.

"All we n--need to do is find out when--when another year has their classes. The best choices would be the second or-or third years," Remus said, fingers twitching a bit as he resisted the urge to wring his hands, to show how nervous he was though he knew they could tell he was somewhat nervous by his stutter. "I just r-really think if we attack our own class--even if we get hit with it--we'll get blamed."

"You're just trying to avoid detention," James accused.

Remus gave a shrug. "So what if I am? What's wrong with wanting to _avoid_ detention? Doesn't that make one a better--better--" He began snapping his fingers, trying to kick his brain back into gear. Words weren't working too well because of how he felt. "Uh--uh--uh--trickster!" There it was. "Prankster. Person who causes trouble! It just proves that we're better if we're _not_ caught. Doesn't it?" That certainly got their attention. Remus knew they liked getting caught occasionally, it bolstered their infamy when they were, but even they could see getting caught every time would be a bad thing.

"I guess we could do that," said James, rubbing his chin.

"Yeah--plus the second year Slytherin class is pretty big," added Sirius. "More victims, like you originally wanted. They'd make _great_ victims."

James tilted his head to one side. "Yeah? Sounds like you're pretty eager to get them."

Sirius smiled rather innocently. "I've got a relative in that class I particularly hate. I say let's do it."

The next order of business was finding out _when_ the second year Slytherins had either Potions or Herbology class--because obviously they wanted as big a group as possible so one of the doubles would be best. At first they doubted Potions would work since they knew second year Slytherins had Potions right after their own Potions class on Thursdays and that gave then zero time whatsoever, however when they dug around they found the older Slytherins _also_ had Potions on Tuesday afternoons--when the four boys didn't have any class and would be able to pull their prank.

Of course that night in Occlumency Remus was so keyed up about the whole thing it dominated his thoughts. Fawley broke contact after the first foray into his mind, laughing hard. Remus was relieved she had a streak of mischief in her, that she wouldn't go telling on them. All she really said on the matter was to be careful. She also praised him later that lesson when he managed to put a little pressure back on her, though she still slipped easily into his head.

"At least it's progress," she said as he got off the couch to leave. "More progress than I ever expected from someone your age. Speaking of age..." She pulled a wrapped present out of her purse, holding it out to him.

"Ma'am, you didn't--didn't need to!"

She smiled, the scars around her eyes wrinkling. "I wanted to. Go on, open it." It was a rather advanced book on Occlumency and Legilimency both, with very complicated and obscure language. "It's the same book I learned from so many years ago. I know you'll make use of it. I also know it's not beyond your intellect level. You're a very bright young man."

"Ms. Fawley, th--thank you!" He held the book to his chest, hoping it was a used copy. It looked pricey. Surely she wouldn't have spent much money on... on _him_! "Thank you." Was he supposed to hug her?

Fawley rose up and put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a bit of a squeeze. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you so much."

He left the room feeling on cloud nine. He couldn't believe she had gotten him something! It didn't make much sense to him, he didn't really feel... _worthy_... of presents, especially something as fancy as _this_! But it was an extremely useful gift which he fully intended on delving into as soon as possible.

*

That night he stayed up late reading. He sat upright with the book propped open across his knees, the soft glow of a Lumos spell lighting up inside the confines of his curtained bed. The language was even harder to get through than the one he had checked out of the library, but he managed. The first chapter had a lot of history in it. Really fascinating stuff. He was so into it that when he barely heard the thumping sound out in the room. It was the second thump that finally managed to break through, and he glanced up. Whispering.

He slid the book off his lap and went to the curtains, twitching them back. James and Sirius were awake, pulling shoes on. They were both giggling, shushing each other, then giggling more. Remus glanced at the clock. One-fifteen in the morning. When he glanced back he gave a slight gasp of surprise since Sirius was looking directly at him.

"Hey there," Sirius whispered. James frowned at the sight of Remus's pale face. "Did we wake you up?"

"N--no, I was already up. Nox." He got out of bed, padding over to them. "Where are you going?"

"Out," replied James as he tied his shoelaces tight. "Wanna come with?"

Remus's heart began pounding harder. Part of him really wanted to, the other part knew he shouldn't. He was pushing things enough helping them with their pranks and causing trouble--he shouldn't do worse, not with all the trust Dumbledore had put in him, everything the headmaster had done for him. Flaunting small rules was one thing. Sneaking around after curfew was quite another.

"What do you even do when you go about?" Remus asked.

"You'll have to find out," Sirius said, smirking.

"I...." He wanted to, that was the worst part! He really wanted to. "N--no, I c-can't. Sorry." He couldn't betray Dumbledore that much.

Sirius seemed a little disappointed however James merely shrugged. "S'all right, maybe another time. Say, you could still help us. Sometimes when we come back the Fat Lady's gone. We try not to leave when she's already gone but a lot of times she leaves while we're out, and we get stuck in the corridor for _ages_. One night we were very nearly caught by Filch because of that!"

"Wh--what do you need me to do?" Remus asked.

"Open up the door every fifteen, twenty minutes?" James unsnapped his watch and dangled it in front of Remus.

Remus took the watch and put it around his own wrist. It was incredibly fancy, made out of pure gold. He felt a little dizzy at how expensive it must have been. It showed the time, the date, the planetary movements, the sun, the moon (last quarter, not quite at the halfway point). It was probably worth more than all of Remus's possessions put together, and someone entrusted it to an eleven-year-old.

Remus put on slippers then followed them down to the common room. Sirius paused on the stairs, listening carefully to make sure nobody was there.

"Last time we tried there were a couple of students snogging," James gagged as they took the last steps. "Waited for ages but they never stopped. All right so, just open'er up every so often."

"Thanks for doing this for us," said Sirius, reaching out to tousle Remus's hair. "See ya in a bit."

They disappeared into the dark corridor, and Remus retreated to the couch near the fire to go back to his book. He wasn't sure how James's watch worked so he could set alarms, which meant he couldn't fully disappear into the text. After only five minutes he returned to the dorm to change the Occlumency book out for a fiction story, one that didn't require as much focus.

The Fat Lady left at around two am, and James and Sirius returned at around three. Remus opened the door--not expecting them--then saw them hurrying to climb in. They were breathless, hearts hammering away, smelling of sweat and excitement. Apparently they had almost been caught down in the dungeons.

"What were you doing there?" Remus asked.

"Lots of stuff," Sirius answered, tossing his hair back. "We found a perfect nook to hide in to pull the prank on Tuesday, and tried to find the Slytherin dorms--"

"Still dunno exactly where it is, or how to get in," sighed James. "Another time."

"We also found some places we think have secret passages behind them just need to figure out how to open them up," Sirius said.

"Thanks for helping us out," James said as they returned up to the room. "You'll do it again, won't you?"

"Um. Yeah, course I will."

"Perfect."

It wasn't until Remus was nearly asleep that he realized he still wore James's watch. He rather reluctantly took it off and went across the room to set it on James's bedside table, wishing he had something half as nice as that.


	60. Chapter Fifty-Nine - Plentiful Lack Of Wit

On Thursday evening Remus reported to the library for the detention he was supposed to have the week before during the full moon. At first he was excited he'd be serving his detention in the library (James, Sirius, and Peter had spent two hours in the kitchens for theirs, washing dishes and getting into a bit of extra trouble for starting a water fight with each other) however as soon as he began working he realized just why they had given him a detention that normally would be a dream come true: it was during study group. As he wandered the aisles for misplaced books he kept passing the group and they'd watch him with amused eyes. Craft especially seemed to be enjoying watching Remus work. He could hear the Ravenclaw snickering, and Lily often telling him to stop it. She was the only one who wasn't entertained by Remus having to do this. Silverlocke didn't seem too entertained either, at least.

After a while he realized someone was messing with him when he re-shelved a book he had already taken care of earlier. Then it happened again. Frowning, he hurried through the aisles until he found the culprit: Snape. He watched as Snape pulled a book off one shelf, went down another aisle, and pushed it in there.

"Hey!" Remus marched over.

Snape jumped a little then scowled. "What do _you_ want, Loopy?"

"Stop that!" He took the misplaced book. "What are you--you--you doing that f-for?"

"I thought about checking it out but couldn't remember where I got it," Snape lied smoothly.

Remus clenched his teeth, resisting the urge to give into wolfish violence and pop that smug look in. "I'm sorry. It must be so difficult to--to have such a terrible memory. Of course, that probably explains your grades."

Snape's face grew stormy. "What did you say?"

"Wow, your memory is worse than I thought if you've already forgotten. Have you considered seeking treatment for your ailment?"

Snape looked beyond furious now. "You little--" Remus turned on his heels, taking the book back to its proper place. Snape followed him. "I'm surprised they're letting you do this, letting a diseased person _touch_ things other people touch." Remus just kept walking, eyes scanning for books out of place, ignoring Snape. "I wish Lily would listen to me, she's going to get whatever _you_ have. You know, if you truly thought of her as a friend you'd keep away from her, for her own safe--"

Remus whirled around suddenly and Snape--who had been following closely--nearly ran into him. "You have a plentiful lack of wit, Snivellus, and show it well." Then he turned once more, storming off.

He heard Snape pull out his wand. A shiver went through his body and he went for his own wand to shield himself, but Snape was faster, and the spell he used was one Remus had never heard before. "Langlock!" Snape hissed out.

Remus stumbled back, blinking at the other boy. Snape smirked, tucking his wand away, and hurrying off, his robes billowing behind him. Remus tried to ask him what he did but--he couldn't. His tongue was affixed to the roof of his mouth, or something very like it. He made strangled sort of sounds, clapping his hand to his mouth.

"Nnnggg--ggg! Ggg! Ggggllll!" He began clawing at his mouth, panic rising rapidly. He began running through the aisles, to the front of the room. "Gggllgnn!" he exclaimed, pounding his hands on Farrow's desk.

"What on earth--?" Farrow stood up, very angry. "What are you doing, boy? You're supposed to be working!"

"Ggnnnllg!" Remus felt tears going down his cheeks now, and he pointed at his mouth. "Hnnnn!"

"I shall give you more detention unless you stop fooling around right this second!" Farrow snapped.

Remus shook his head. "Nnnn!" He pulled out his wand, pointing at it, then pointing at his mouth. Then grabbed a piece of paper off Farrow's desk. _CURSE_! he wrote in big letters.

Farrow inspected the scrawl then made a tsking sound. "I see. You've cursed yourself to get out of detention. Now lookie here, sonny boy, you're not getting out of it that easily!"

Remus was totally amazed that someone so stupid had been put in charge of such a beautiful library. He gave up, opting instead to go to Lily. He scribbled the note down as he went. _I was cursed cant talk & Farrow doesnt care please help_. He approached the table, ignoring the stares the others gave him as he slapped the paper down in front of Lily.

She gasped loudly as soon as she read it. "What? Who did that to you? Why? Come on, let's go to Pomfrey!" She grabbed his wrist and dragged him out of the library, ignoring Farrow's snarling voice about giving Remus more detention. "Professor McGonagall will understand," Lily said. Remus just gagged out sounds as a response. He wasn't sure how to tell _who_ cursed him, not with Lily around. He--intended on telling the truth (once he could talk again) however would she take Snape's side? Would she get mad at him? He didn't want to cause any arguments between the two of them, even if Snape was a total twat.

Once in the hospital wing Lily handed the note over to Madame Pomfrey who carefully opened Remus's mouth open. "What's this?" She prodded his tongue carefully. Then she wriggled her finger in, giving it a gentle tug until Remus gave a pained moan. "Finite incantatum!" she tried however it didn't work. "What spell was used? I don't think I've seen anything like this."

Remus took the quill she offered, and began writing. _I don't know the spell. It was something lock I think. Tongue-lock maybe except there was another L said. Snape used it on me._ He handed this back to Pomfrey.

"Miss Evans, could you please fetch Professors McGonagall and Slughorn for me? Also please inform Professor Slughorn we may need Mr. Snape." She scribbled something down for Lily to use in case any prefects stopped her. Lily left, and Pomfrey went back to trying to get the spell off. "It'd be easier if I knew the exact spell. This doesn't seem to be too complicated a hex however without knowing the precise nature... Oh, drat," she said as Remus squealed in pain as she tried a spell that almost felt like a knife cutting into his tongue. "I'm sorry, dear. We'll just have to wait."

It took ages. First Professor McGonagall showed up. She also examined Remus's mouth, unable to figure out what spell had been used. Then Slughorn finally waddled in, with Snape _and_ Lily behind him. Lily looked very anxious, eyes darting from Snape to Remus and back again.

"Mr. Lupin has informed us that you put an... a-hem... unknown hex on him?" Slughorn said.

Snape lifted his eyebrows. "Me, sir? Why, no. I didn't."

"Nnnggll!" Remus got out.

A flicker of a smirk went across Snape's face but quickly disappeared; Remus doubted any of the adults saw it. "There's no use pretending otherwise, but Loo--er, Lupin here hates me. Him and his friends. They've made that quite clear. It doesn't surprise me that he's tried to put the blame on me. It wouldn't surprise me if one of his little friends put it on him, to try and get me into trouble."

Slughorn smoothed down his mustache. "Now, the boy's got a point."

McGonagall lifted her chin, eyes blazing a little. "While a possibility, Horace, it does not make Mr. Snape entirely innocent. From my understanding he's pulled a few tricks on my students as well." Slughorn gave a sort of harumphing sound. "We can easily discover the truth. Mr. Lupin was _supposed_ to be in the library for detention..." Remus nodded eagerly, and Lily confirmed his presence in the library. "Good. Now, the question is, did this happen in the library?" Remus nodded again, pointing his finger at Snape who took a step back, holding his hands up, trying to look innocent. "The other question is who _else_ was in the library? Mr. Snape, were you there?"

"No, Professor," Snape said, black eyes wide. "You can even ask Mr. Farrow." Remus suspected that Snape had _snuck_ in without the librarian seeing him. Nobody had witnessed their small altercation. Had anyone seen him in the library? Actually, Lily turned to stare at him which gave Remus a surge of hope if she had seen him. She bit her lip and looked downwards, remaining silent, crushing Remus's hope. She was taking Snape's side.

"It's apparent than Mr. Snape cannot help, and is blameless in all of this," said Slughorn. McGonagall frowned, appearing to agree.

Remus shook his head. He knew the hex could be lifted sooner or later without them knowing the details, but he didn't want Snape to get away with this. McGonagall excused herself to go speak to Farrow. As soon as she left Snape looked at Slughorn and asked, "May I go? If I'm not needed."

"Yes, that's fine," Slughorn said.

Snape gave a rather creepy smile and left the hospital wing, head held high. Remus glowered, furious that he had gotten away with it! Sure enough, McGonagall came back with the news that Farrow hadn't seen Snape at all. Nor had James and Sirius gone in. Remus fumed while the adults talked around him, then finally they turned their attention back to him to try to fix the problem. It took a lot of prodding and spell attempts before finally he felt his tongue go a little slack.

"Sn--Snape--d-d-d-did it!" was the first thing he stammered out.

"He wasn't in the library, Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said.

"He m-must of snuck in be--because he was there." He looked at Lily rather desperately. "You d-d-did see him, didn't you?"

"I--I don't know," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure. He... may have... but it might have been someone else I saw."

"That's fine, Miss Evans," McGonagall said. "Thank you for your help. Mr. Lupin--"

"I'm n-n-not lying!"

One of McGonagall's eyebrows raised at the tone in his voice. "I cannot say what truly happened, however I am disappointed in your attitude and insistence on blaming someone who wasn't even there!"

"Then b-b-be disappointed, because I'm nn-n-not going to lie!" he said without even thinking, then he wished the spell was still on him. He covered his mouth while Lily stared at him in horror.

"Mr. Lupin." McGonagall looked sterner than he could ever remember seeing her be. "Ten points from Gryffindor. In addition, you'll serve a full night's of detention next week since you didn't finish this one."

Remus bowed his head. "Yes, ma'am," he whispered, defeated. He got off the bed, taking a note from Pomfrey that stated he had been in the hospital wing, therefore was allowed to walk back to the tower after hours. Lily went with him to the door, and as they left he could hear Slughorn informing McGonagall she really should have firmer control over her students. A wave of fury went through Remus at that, and he resisted the urge to run right back in and tell Slughorn to have firmer control over _his_ students! Talking back to one teacher was enough for one night though.

"Are you mad at me?" Lily asked after a good three minutes of silence.

"You saw him in-in-in the library, didn't you?"

She hunched her shoulders forward, angling her head so some of her hair fell across her face. "I really don't know, I promise I don't. I--I saw someone who might have been him but not enough to say it was!"

"It was. He was going around messing up the books to--to--give me more work!"

"Severus wouldn't--"

"Well, he did!" Remus snapped. Lily cringed back, making him feel a little bit bad. "He c-c-called me diseased again. T-t-told me to st--stay away from you. Then he c-cursed me. With--with whatever that was. I don't even know." He felt like crying, feeling overwhelmed with everything. Angry with the teachers, annoyed at Lily, furious with Snape. It wasn't _fair_!

"He said he wouldn't mention that again!" Lily said.

He couldn't take it anymore. "Then he _lied_ to you! A Slytherin lying, what a shocking turn of events!"

"STOP!" she shouted, and now he cringed back. "First of all I thought you were better than that! Saying such a thing, just because he's a Slytherin! Second of all, whatever happened in there, Severus didn't do it. He wouldn't! You heard what McGonagall said! Mr. Farrow never saw Severus even come _into_ the library!"

He didn't know how to respond, realizing at last he was teetering on the edge of a fight with Lily, a proper real fight. Her eyes were watery and her hands were balled up into little fists as she defended her friend with a ferocity that surprised him.

Remus felt himself slipping away from her, like a gulf had appeared between them, one that--shouldn't even be there! Snape had done it! It _wasn't_ fair, at all.

Of course, when was life ever fair to him?

"I'm s--sorry." He felt sick as he spoke, sick for giving in, hating himself for giving in. He just didn't want to make Lily mad. Didn't want to lose her. He was already a sub-par friend without pushing her like this. "Snape... d-d-didn't get in-nto t-trouble for it, and I'll--let it be."

"Who did curse you?"

He just started walking again, trying to convince his tears to stop before they spilled over. His chest ached so deeply that he didn't know how to handle it. He had folded under, for the sake of preserving a friendship that would end sooner or later anyway. He--just didn't want it to end sooner. Now. Even if she thought him a liar, taking Snape's word for everything.

"Remus... please talk to me." What was he supposed to say? He told her he'd let it be, so why was she pushing him like that? Her voice felt like claws raking into his very soul. That need-to-be-alone feeling took hold. "Remus? Please?" He stopped again, reaching into his pocket to pull out Pomfrey's note. He shoved it into Lily's hand then turned and ran in the opposite direction. "REMUS!" she yelled but he kept going as the tears finally came. He ran as fast as he could (tripping once) to one of the secret passages he had learned from his other friends. He slipped inside and went to the other end, though stayed hidden within so he could curl up on the stone floor and cry.

Maybe he had been wrong. Not about Snape, about saying those things to Lily. He probably was. He should have kept quiet. He had caused the mini-fight. He just didn't understand what had gone wrong. Didn't understand how she just completely took his word like that. Though, he supposed, it was either Snape's word or Remus's word. He could have understood her taking Snape's word over James or Sirius, but automatically dismissing Remus like that? It hurt so much!

He curled up into an even smaller ball, wishing to disappear, to sink into the stone and no longer exist in this world. Not just because of all of what happened (that'd just be silly, in his opinion) but because he was sick of trying. Of trying to be human, to be a normal person, of fighting the wolf. He wanted--a little bit--to give in. Give up. It was _so_ utterly exhausting, being human. He just didn't _understand_ things! Things it seemed everyone else understood! It was like they lived in a bubble with him on the outside looking in, trying to figure out what they were saying by reading their lips. Never fully _knowing_.

_Loopy_, he thought, tightening his arms against his stomach. _Loopy! Loopy! Loopy!_

Then finally the emotion flooded out of him. Slowly his body uncurled and he lay prostrate. _I'm an idiot_. He felt ashamed of his feelings, glad no one else had somehow known how childish and immature he had been. Except Fawley would probably see it. He'd have to go through everything again. She'd at least see Snape had done it. Even if she couldn't do anything about it. Course, James, Sirius, and Peter would believe Remus too... _if_ he told them... which he wasn't sure if he should or not. If they got wind of what Lily said, that would cause problems that he didn't want to occur.

Eventually a sort of calm settled into him. He'd apologize to Lily again. Hopefully she wasn't too upset he ran off like that (he just wanted to get alone before those shaky, sweaty, falling-over issues took hold)... Soon he fell asleep in the passageway, dark dreams where unseen figures shot hexes at him, gluing his jaw shut, laughing at him, calling him a liar. He woke up with a start, confused for a few seconds about where he was before he remembered.

He got up, stumbling to the exit. It was dark out in the castle indicating that it was very late. _What time is it_? He listened carefully and after not hearing anything for a full minute he slipped out, creeping along the wall. His eyes adjusted to the darkness without much trouble, very happy he could maneuver around without a light source. Eventually he passed a clock. 12:25am!! It was Friday.

_It's my birthday_! he realized, stopping in his tracks. _I'm twelve now_. He looked down at his body, at his hands. He didn't feel much different. He didn't somehow magically grow since he fell asleep. He was still shrimpy. _But, a twelve year old shrimp_, he thought as he continued on. _Hah! Older than James_. He grinned to himself at that, excited to be able to tease his friend in the morning. Poor Jimmy, the baby of the group!

Remus froze up again, hearing footsteps approaching. He quickly slid behind a statue, crouching down against the ground as he watched a lumos spell grow closer. It belonged to a teacher he didn't know the name of, a raggedy, torn up, wild looking man who had a weird contraption at the end of one arm instead of a hand. He smelled very strongly of blood and forest. Remus bit his lip, a little frightened. He had seen this teacher at the High Table on occasional but seeing him close up like this...

He had a student with him. Remus didn't recognize her, though she looked like a seventh year. She was arguing as they went, while the wild man insisted he didn't care and mentioned Horace which Remus knew meant Slughorn so he figured she was a Slytherin.

"People like you will get your own in a few years!" the girl snarled, rather viciously. Remus couldn't believe she'd talk to a teacher like that! "Don't be on the wrong side!"

"Wrong side of what? Letting students roam around after hours?" the teacher snorted. "Let's go."

They disappeared down the corridor, the girl still complaining and snarling. Remus stayed close to the ground until he couldn't hear her shrieking voice anymore, then he scurried off. He avoided Peeves twice, and Filch once, then finally got to the common room. Thank MERLIN the Fat Lady was present. "Spider Eyes," he said. She yawned loudly, complaining about students out of bed, then opened up.

Remus climbed inside. Despite the late hour there were a couple students still up. Older students, working on homework. They frowned at him as he slunk past them, except in the armchair by the foot of the boys' stairs was a sleeping figure: Lily. Her head was tilted back and a little bit of drool went down her chin.

"Lily?" He gently shook her arm. "Hey, Lily?"

"Huwaa?" She bolted up, eyes huge. "What? Remus? Oh! Remus!" She jumped to her feet though nearly fell since she was still trying to wake up. "Thank God you're back! I was so worried! I'm sorry! I am! I didn't mean to hurt you, I just--it's only--"

"Hey, it's okay," he said, holding up a hand. "I w-w-wasn't mad at you." _Not completely._ "I j-just really needed to be alone. I was upset about everything, it wasn't only--you."

"I--I couldn't be sure I saw him. If I had, I swear I would have told them but I wasn't _sure_ it was him..."

"I know." He didn't want to get into all of that again. "Can we--n--not talk about it? Please?" Her face fell a little. Obviously she wanted to, to hash out the reasons she was defending her friend. "Please?" he said again.

"Yeah, all right," she whispered. "But... you're not... angry with me?"

"Not at all," he promised. _Annoyed and hurt by you, but not angry_. He kept that to himself. He didn't want to make another mess. "You sh-should get to bed. G--goodnight..."

"Goodnight." She gave him a small hug before fleeing up the girls' side.

Remus went to his dorm, listening at the door before going in. Everyone sounded asleep which was good. He didn't want to deal with more talking right now. He just wanted to go to sleep and let everything fade away by morning.


	61. Chapter Sixty - The Bat-Bogey Hex Of 72

Of course James, Sirius, and Peter all wanted to know where Remus had been the night before. They assumed he had stayed in the hospital wing for a relapse, and he just said he had gone to the hospital wing for the better part of the evening--not telling them exactly _why_. When Lily sat with him at breakfast he was worried she'd bring it up however she thankfully didn't.

His mother sent him a dozen double chocolate cookies for his birthday which he split up with everyone despite their protests that they were for _his_ birthday (they reluctantly each accepted one, and only one). He made a point of giving a cookie to Lily, to show any hard feelings from the night before were gone.

Then all four of his friends let him know they got him something which made him go brilliantly red. The boys didn't have their presents with them but Lily handed him a small wrapped gift which he knew as soon as he took it that it'd be a book. She said to go ahead and open it so he did, and it was the sequel to the book she had sent him for Christmas.

"Thank you so much!" he said, and the two of them hugged, Remus ignoring the sniggers from the boys. Even after all this time they had to be immature about Remus being such good friends with a girl.

Classes went pretty well except after lunch when they were heading to Defense, a group of Slytherins pushed past them. Snape banged into Remus and whispered very softly, "Did you enjoy the cure for your stutter?" before sweeping off. Remus grit his teeth, wanting to shoot a hex at him.

"Did he say something to you?" James asked as they started walking again.

"Just insults," sighed Remus, adjusting the strap of his book satchel. "He's a git. We should do something to him." The words tumbled out before he could even think about them, then regretted it instantly.

"Yes!" James exclaimed, then immediately began plotting with Sirius and Peter, while Remus drifted off into the clouds.

_What curse did he use_? Remus wondered, struggling to remember the syllables that had been said. The second part had definitely been 'lock'. He'd have to do some research. He doubted he'd be able to easily find a spell just by part of the word, but narrowing it down to the effect would make it a lot quicker. _My tongue got stuck to the roof of my mouth_. He reached up, rubbing his throat a little. _I don't know many tongue-related spells. Mimblewimble, but that's completely different._

After they left class, Remus started to split off from his friends intending to go to the library but Sirius seized hold of his arm. "Where you going? Don't you want your presents?"

Remus smiled. "Of c-course, yeah, sorry I--forgot."

"Forgot _presents_?" James eyed him suspiciously.

"I'm n--not used to people getting me things," he said, hoping that would be enough of an answer. It seemed to work because James linked his arm with Remus's and marched off, very excited to see Remus open his presents.

They weren't anything big (well, except for James's), but they were still very thoughtful gifts. Candy from Peter, a mug from Sirius with books printed on it (and enchanted not to break which he showed off by taking it and chucking it as hard as he could against the wall; it just bounced off. Sirius had given a mug for Peter's birthday and it had been broken by February so Remus figured that's why his was enchanted), and finally from James (who couldn't contain his excitement anymore; he just bounced around demanding Remus open his present last): _Quidditch Through The Ages_.

"Now you can know all about it when you come to the games!" James said the second the title came into view.

"Thank you," Remus said, smiling broadly. He didn't have any interest in Quidditch but it was a very nice gift. He would read it regardless of his feelings for the sport. He intended to learn about Quidditch over the summer to prepare for James being on the team, now at least he had a book and wouldn't have to buy one himself. "I'm n--not going to the game tomorrow though."

"But it's against _Slytherin_!" James whined. "Out of _all_ the games, that's the one you gotta go to!"

"It'll be fun!" Peter said. "You should at least give it a chance."

"I'll be going to all of James's games," Remus reminded them. "I promise." _Except the ones coinciding with the full moon_.

"I love how all of you just _know_ I'm gonna be on the team." James reclined on his bed, a smug smile spreading. "I mean, I _will_ be but I love that you guys know it too."

Luckily that dropped them wheedling Remus about the game. He figured he _should_ go at least to _that_ game--the big one--but at the same time being completely alone in the library again was too tempting. Remus put away all his gifts (thanking them once more) then got sucked into their plotting about what to do about Snape once more. Remus looked around at his three friends then couldn't help but ask, "If I said Snape did something to me, would you believe it?"

They fell silent, three pairs of eyes focusing on their tiny little friend. Sirius spoke first. "Did Snape do something?" He sounded furious.

"Um, I--w-was just w-w-wondering..."

"Of course we would, why wouldn't we?" Pete inquired.

"Did he though?" James asked, on Sirius's line of thought. "Is that why you want to get back at him? Cause if it is, we need something worse than just firecrackers filled with itching powder."

"Way worse," agreed Sirius.

"Well--it d-doesn't matter, really, I was just curious."

Sirius got up, moving to sit next to Remus on the edge of his bed. "If Snape did something to you, you can tell us."

_Shouldn't have said anything_! "He hexed me. Got away with it, too."

"Git!" James jumped to his feet, going for his wand like he wanted revenge right there and then without Snape being anywhere in the vicinity. "What did he do? How did he get away with it? Didn't you do anything back?"

Remus explained everything except for the Lily stuff--that would never be spoken to them. They all looked angry enough as it was, all of them wanting _more_ revenge, something _bigger_. Remus told them in detail what the spell did but none of them had heard of it before. They figured if Remus hadn't, it was really obscure (which flattered him more than anything that they considered him so smart). They agreed to go to the library so off they went, not just to find the spell Snape used but also one to really get back at him.

"Something big," James said as they went. "Really big."

"As big as his nose?" Sirius asked, causing the others to laugh.

"Is anything _that_ big?" Pete added, causing more laughter.

They only spent about half an hour in the library until James and Sirius grew very bored. Not even looking up cool hexes and jinxes satisfied them, so soon they all left. Remus hadn't found any information on the spell Snape had used. The closest was the tongue-tying spell but mimblewimble was a far cry from something-lock plus his tongue had been connected to the roof of his mouth _not_ tied in a knot! He _did_ find a spell that made the tongue lengthen considerably and thought that'd be a fun prank. There was also one made you stick your tongue out until the spell was lifted.

"You know what would be fun?" Sirius asked as they meandered aimlessly through the school. "A spell that makes the tongue roll up then unfurl like one of those party favors."

"With the noise too!" James laughed, giving his friend a high five.

Both boys turned to grin at Remus who sighed. "I _highly_ doubt a spell like that exists..." Now they were giving him puppy dog eyes. "..._but_ I suppose I could try and... figure something out..."

Sirius clapped his hands. "Brains!"

He had twisted the bogey hex to form something else. Was it possible for him to come up with a new spell altogether? _It seems difficult_, he thought as he walked, barely noticing where he he put his feet. _It'll need to be physical as well as audible--if I include the noise which, frankly, it would be funnier with the noise, all right so what would be the best etymology for something like this? I'll need to research other tongue-related spells, audible spell--_ A hand clamped around his arm--right over his scar--and yanked. He gasped loudly, a stab of fear going through him as he tried to pull free, the fingers _right_ over his scars, pressing in, touching the wolfish teeth marks through the fabric.

"Whoa!" Sirius said as Remus panicked loudly. "Sorry. Was just trying to stop you from going down the stairs."

Remus blinked, realizing he stood at the top of a flight of stairs. He had nearly gone tumbling down. Sirius hadn't grabbed the scar because he knew it was there, he grabbed it just to try and rescue Remus from a painful fall. "Th-thanks. Sorry, just--lost in my thoughts."

Sirius slowly let go. "Just as long as you're all right. Glad I had my eye on you!"

_Do you often have your eye on me_? Remus wanted to ask. It had been a couple weeks since Fawley mentioned the fact Sirius watched him, however it seemed like there was usually more important things on his mind. Which was, really, stupid; he was a werewolf, he needed to be extremely cautious of this sort of thing (he had promised Fawley he would be!). _Just because they're my friends doesn't mean I can trust them. I can't. At all. I need to stop pretending that I can_.

The barriers that hurt him for existing were important, and needed to stay up.

He still felt Sirius's fingers against his scar. Had he noticed? The ribbed marks? Remus wore the long-sleeved top _and_ the jumper _and_ the robes of the uniform so hopefully there had been way too much fabric for the other boy to notice anything amiss about his arm.

*

The Big Game had finally arrived. Everyone was very keyed up, and the Great Hall was a flood of Gold and Scarlet. Not just the Gryffindor table, but there were plenty of students from Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff who were showing their support for Gryffindor. Remus purposely wore neutral colors of blue jeans and a brown jumper, and when he sat down at breakfast he thought he was the only Gryffindor not dressed up.

"I should pretend not to know you," sighed James, looking down his nose at Remus. "It's a shame, you not coming to _this_ game!" Remus just put food on his plate, ignoring his friend. "Don't you feel _embarrassed_?"

"Nope."

"Well. You should."

When Lily came in she hurried over, shoving James out of the way so she could sit down next to Remus. "How come you're not all dressed up?" she asked. She had paired a gold jumper over red skirt, and had gold ribbons woven into her braids.

"He's not going," James said as he wedged himself in next to Lily. "Is there a reason you always push me off my seat? Also, congratulations on supporting your _own_ house. I'd have thought you'd support Slytherin."

Lily shot him a dark look. "Why is that?"

"Your _friend_." James eyed the Slytherin table where Snape sat, wearing green. Snape sensed he was being watched and looked up, glowering at James. James stuck his tongue out then turned back to Lily. "Good to see you've got _some_ house pride."

"For goodness sake! I have _friends_ in other _houses_, big whoop." Lily rolled her eyes. "Doesn't mean I'm not going to support Gryffindor." She looked at Snape, exchanging a smile with him. "So yeah just because _you're_ narrow-minded, Potter, doesn't mean everyone is. Remus, if you come to game feel free to sit with me." She gave him a smile too then went to go sit with Colgate and Inkwood.

James scootched closer to Remus. "She's so annoying."

At least they were back to normal. Remus still felt hurt she had automatically dismissed his side of the story but that wasn't important enough to sever ties with one of his only friends. The hurt would eventually go away. Right?

Half an hour before the game started people began to leave, James, Sirius, and Peter included. They requested Remus to come with them one last time before disappearing through the doors. Remus stayed in the Great Hall until it was nearly empty, then went up to the common room. He loved being there when no one else was, especially in the middle of the day. He relished in the ability to sit in the comfiest couch near the fire to read for quite a long time until noise brought him out of the text. He checked the clock: just after three pm.

Remus shut the book with a snap, rising to his feet as the portrait swung open. The cheers were so loud he had to cover his ears as he went to the stairs, though he didn't go all the way up. He sat down partway up to watch the throng. The Quidditch team led the party, with a small girl that Remus assumed to be the Seeker hoisted onto the shoulders of two other team members. Sure enough she had a Snitch in one hand, waving it proudly. She also had blood streaming from her nose. She must have made quite an impressive catch.

He waited until he saw his friends before going up to his dorm, hiding under his bed with a pillow wrapped around his head. He knew the party for _this_ victory would last longer than the previous, probably louder too. Soon music began booming--Remus even heard some firecrackers going off which he attributed to James and Sirius. Indeed, a few moments later the dorm door opened and the two of them came in to get more.

Sirius checked under Remus's bed first. "We won!" he said brightly.

Remus smiled back. "So I heard. Congratulations."

James dropped to his knees to peek. "You should come celebrate with us since you won't come to the game. It was brilliant!" He lay down on his stomach, a bunch of rockets in his arms. "We only won by a little bit. It was so close! It literally came down to who could catch the Snitch, we were neck in neck the _whole_ time! One side scored the other side scored--it was wild! Once I'm on the team, of course, we'll always be ahead. Bell was _so_ brilliant though, man she did a--"

"You want company?" Sirius asked, cutting off James's blathering.

"N-no that's okay, you can go have fun," Remus answered.

However twenty minutes later Peter came up, rather grouchy since James was glued to the Quidditch team and Sirius was having too much fun partying to talk to him. He lay down on the floor next to Remus's bed, apparently not finding it weird to have a conversation like this. He told Remus a bit about the game; he may not have cared about the sport but his friends did so he listened intently, asking questions that hopefully weren't too stupid. Peter seemed really pleased to be able to tell him all of this and when into even greater detail about the game.

*

Revenge against Snape was unanimously put on hold until later due to them being too excited for their Bogey Prank. They wanted to focus on that, plus avoid trouble in case they got caught which none of them expected to. Remus had seen the nook they planned on hiding out in: it was decently out of sight of the Potions classroom, and the other end held the entrance to a secret passage which wasn't _really_ secret, a lot of students seemed to know about it; but it gave them an exit.

They did a run through on Sunday afternoon. The four of them hid in the nook for a bit then hurried out through the passage, emerging on the other side of the dungeons. Then they did a test with Sirius running from the Potions classroom to the other end of the secret passageway, to see if they could beat him: which they did. The likelihood of them getting caught was slim. Remus hoped they could get away with it. Honestly, in his opinion, the most likely reason they'd end up caught would be James bragging.

On Tuesday morning they were all very excited. It felt like they had been planning this for _so long_ and finally it was _here_. James and Remus barely ate any breakfast though by the time lunch rolled around they were hungry enough to eat. They still had ages to wait since they were going to do it when class let out, so they could at least see their handiwork.

Time stretched on. They spent the time waiting in the Great Hall playing a few round of sphinxes which Peter won since he was the only one paying any sort of attention. James checked his watch about every five minutes until Sirius suggested he stop cause it seemed a little suspicious. Somehow they resisted the urge to go down early; Remus knew if they were seen hanging about it would be a tell, so they didn't head off until two-thirty. Fifteen minutes before the end of class, but that was in case Slughorn let it out early.

The four of them crowded at the edge of the nook, wands ready. Remus sweated a little already, heart pounding so hard he thought it might leap out of his throat. The other three were on edge too. James whispered when it was a couple minutes before the end of class. Remus could hear Slughorn wrapping up his lecture. Time to go.

Remus shot out the activation spell. The doorway glowed blue for a split second then faded. James and Sirius shot out the bogey hex. The doorway glowed again, then faded. It was all up to Remus now. His fingers tightened around the handle of his wand, eyes locked on the door. He could feel the pull of the spell, feel the connection. Would this work?

The door swung open and three Gryffindor boys came out. They kept walking and Remus was worried they had failed! But then the tall one gave a yelp as big winged bat-shaped bogeys crawled out of his nose. The other two had the same thing happen. More students started coming out, all of them shrieking and yelping and complaining. Loads of bat-bogeys flapped around the corridor, dive bombing their 'owners'. Still more students came out. James, Sirius, and Peter were stuffing their fists in their mouths to stop from laughing while sweat poured off of Remus. He had never held the spell this long. It was sapping him of his strength. But he knew there'd be more coming out. He had to push on.

"Yes!" Sirius whispered as a Slytherin emerged, giving an angry shout as bats came out of his nose, flying into him right away, one of them tangling in his long blonde hair leaving goopy trails. "Merlin, _yes_!" Sirius sounded very happy at this.

All the second year Gryffindors and Slytherins were running around. Some were trying to get rid of the spells but any time they opened their mouths they'd be attacked harder by their bats. Remus's arm began shaking but he grit his teeth, focusing harder.

"Someone--" one of the Slytherins started but had to stop when a great big one flew right into his mouth. Behind Remus, Peter gagged loudly, and James elbowed him.

"SLUGHORN!" a Gryffindor shouted, waving her arms around wildly. She was trying to make her way back to the door but there were _so_ many students and _so_ many bogey bats.

"What in Merlin's name is going _on_ out here?!" Slughorn waddled out of the doorway and staggered as _he_ was hexed too, and the bats coming out got caught in his big walrus mustache. James, Sirius, and Peter all wheezed, trying their best to keep quiet.

That was it.

Remus dropped his arm feeling as exhausted as if it were the full moon. He was incredibly dizzy, exhausted, soaked in sweat, unable to see properly, unable to _breathe_ properly. Holding the spell that was way past the ability of someone his age had done a number on him in ways he hadn't foreseen. Sirius hissed out that they needed to go _now_, and he turned to run but only managed a few steps before everything went black.


	62. Chapter Sixty-One - Far Too Advanced

Remus woke up in an unfamiliar location with no knowledge of how he got there. Something cold and wet was on his forehead, dripping water down into his eyes. He moaned, feeling as though he had just woken up from a transformation. His whole body ached like his bones had morphed... had he been somehow knocked out until the full moon?

"Remy!"

He sat up, reaching up to catch the wet washcloth falling off his head. "Wh... what... happened...?"

Sirius was kneeling next to him with James and Peter hovering behind him. They were in some sort of passageway that Remus didn't think he'd ever been in before. "You passed out." Sirius looked very worried, his fingers digging into his thighs. "I carried you."

"Where are we?"

"Passageway that hardly anyone knows about," James answered. "Least, we doubt many people know about. We, er, weren't sure whether or not to take you to Pomfrey..."

Remus rubbed his aching head. "You carried me?"

Sirius shrugged. "Yeah. You passed out like, _right_ after Sluggy came out of the classroom. I couldn't leave you there. What kind of person do you think I am?"

"D--didn't mean it like that." He pushed himself against the wall so he could lean back and not put as much effort into keeping upright. "So, we did it, right? It all worked out? Or am I imagining that?" That garnered him three huge grins, and all of them began talking at once. Every single student in the second year Gryffindor and Slytherin classes had been gotten, as well as Slughorn. Remus remembered now, and began laughing so hard he fell over and broke into coughing. He flapped his hand when Sirius expressed concern, promising he was fine. He didn't want to admit how much he hurt, how much agony laughing put his body in.

_If I wasn't a werewolf, I'd be in worse shape_, he thought, taking the cold cloth to wipe at his face. _Probably still be unconscious. Possibly for a long time_... He had read stories about witches and wizards overreaching their ability however he had assumed they were mostly tales written to scare people into 'staying in line'. Perhaps there was more of a grain of truth to them than he thought.

"Thank you for rescuing me," he finally said to Sirius once the three of them calmed down.

"Don't mention it," Sirius replied, and Remus thought he detected a bit of a blush though the corridor was dimly lit and his eyes hadn't really focused that well so it was hard to tell.

"I think we should do the Great Hall next," James said. "Bogey hex the Great Hall doors!"

"No." Everyone was surprised at the intensity in Sirius's voice.

"Wh--what?" James frowned at his best friend who normally would be all over this idea. "Why not?"

"Yeah, why not?" Peter echoed.

Sirius frowned, jerking his chin towards Remus. "Look what _this_ did to him! We're not doing anything like that again, not anytime soon."

"Oh, he's _fine_," James grumbled. "You're fine, aren't you?"

Remus looked down at his lap. Part of him wanted to lie, to pretend that he _was_ all right. He could pretend that he was better, more talented than he really was. "Not really," he finally admitted. "I--it hurts."

"Where?" Sirius asked.

"All over. Ch--chest, especially. Head." _And I shouldn't be hurting, not still hurting, I should have stopped hurting by now_. He suddenly felt worried. His healing ability hadn't been able to get rid of whatever happened which meant it was _really_ bad.

"Should we go to Pomfrey?" Peter asked.

"No," Remus said quickly. "No. I'll be fine. I think I just need to rest..."

"It's not gonna... ummm... make you..." Sirius trailed off as he tried to figure out the right way of wording what he meant. "It won't push you into a relapse, will it?"

He shook his head. "I doubt it. This feels pretty different." Actually it felt too similar. The exhaustion, the aching... He hoped it would go away soon. He didn't want to have to go to Pomfrey cause he'd have to tell her _what_ caused the problem. He hoped with rest he'd get better. Would he make it to Occlumency?

James came closer, crouching down next to Remus. "I'm sorry."

"Nah, don't worry about it." He thought back to the bats in Slughorn's mustache and began laughing again. "S'worth it."

"Spoken like a true--errr--whatever we are," James laughed.

"Idiots?" Remus suggested with a smile. James grinned back.

"We should call ourselves... the Bogeymen," Sirius snickered.

All three of his friends groaned, and James swatted him upside the back of his head. "No!"

Remus tried to stand up but was unable to on his own. Sirius took hold of his arm, putting it around his own shoulders, helping him to his feet. "Will this help enough?"

"It kinda hurts, you're really tall," Remus said.

So he was switched over to Peter, the one closest to his height. But Remus couldn't walk on his own at all, and Peter wasn't strong enough to help haul him along like that. James went on his other side but they decided that looked too suspicious. Finally they decided on Sirius carrying him again. Sirius crouched down and Remus miserably put his arms around Sirius's neck, feeling pathetic for having to do this. Sirius grabbed hold of Remus's ankles, sending an uncomfortable shiver through his body.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess," Remus sighed.

"What's wrong?"

He didn't want to admit how much it upset him to be touched liked this. Sirius had already carried him around the school, so he shouldn't be in any position to complain. Except it really bothered him, more than he figured normal people should feel. _Another mark of difference..._ "I'm not used to heights like this," Remus said, hoping a joke would distract them.

"Oh shut up! Just cause you're a _shrimp_."

"I'm perfectly average height-wise, you're the giant."

"You are NOT average, you're like... rivaling Flitwick there."

"I am not!"

"Are so."

"Okay then, _Hagrid_."

"Oi!"

At least nobody they passed seemed weirded out by Sirius giving him a piggyback ride. By the time they got to the tower, rumors of what happened in the dungeon got there too and it was on everyone's lips. Not that there were many students there, but the ones that were talked only about the incident. Nobody knew what _really_ happened. It was all rumors. Two Gryffindors said someone unleashed monster bats, another group insisted they were all attacked by vicious nose bleeding spells and were all on the hospital for blood loss. All the gossip was along those lines though two things remained consistent: it happened in the dungeons, and everyone was in the hospital.

Once in the dorm Peter suggested they take Remus to the hospital wing _just_ to at least see the other students. James jumped on that, pleading with Remus; even Sirius seemed rather insistent that Remus go.

"No, what if Pomfrey figures it out?" Sirius had set him down and he fell into his bed, worn out, still hurting. "If you wanna go, fake an injury or something." He pulled the covers up, wincing in pain as he adjusted his legs. _You should go to Pomfrey, this isn't normal_!

James rubbed his chin. "I guess we could hex Pete, claim a Slytherin did it."

Peter backed up. "But---aren't you more likely to be hexed by a Slytherin?"

They argued for a bit until finally James agreed to be the victim. Sirius pulled out his wand looking a little too excited to be cursing his friend, and was about to hit him with a hex when Remus shouted. They both paused, turning to face him. "Don't hex him in here!" Remus said, feeling astounded by their lack of _thinking_. "You take him through the common room when he's hexed, everyone'll know it was done here. At least do it elsewhere." He doubted they'd be found out in their lie that a Slytherin did it, but the least amount of evidence the better.

"Oh, good point," said Sirius. "C'mon, Jimmy. We'll be back!"

Peter turned to Remus and asked, "You sure you're gonna be okay?" as soon as they were alone.

"Should be," Remus said, hoping it was true. He suspected he would be. Eventually. His regeneration had to kick in sometime, right? "I'm just gonna try to sleep for a bit. S--sorry."

"It's fine." Pete climbed into his own bed, pulling out comic books. "If you need anything, let me know, all right?"

"Yeah, thanks." Remus shut his curtains, rolling onto his side. He intended to still make it to Occlumency no matter what. Fawley knew of their prank so it'd be no big deal if she saw, and maybe she'd know what was wrong.

*

James and Sirius were still missing when Peter woke Remus up for supper. He was feeling a lot better though still ached a bit as he got out of bed. The two boys went down to the Great Hall (Remus limping slightly) and _everyone_ there was discussing what happened. Lily approached Remus, asking if he knew anything of what happened. He said no, just the rumors. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion but she let the subject drop.

A moment later the Great Hall went quiet as a couple of second year Slytherins came in. Two girls, both looking quite miserable especially since _everyone_ stared at them. The brunette tried to hide behind her hair but the blonde kept her chin jutted out, ignoring everyone. They sat at the table just as another second year Slytherin came in, followed shortly by some second year Gryffindors. All of them looked as though they had just taken a shower.

Two of the second year Gryffindor girls sat near Remus, near enough for him to hear them as they talked to other curious student. They were asked what happened and the black girl responded with a haughty voice that someone had attacked them with the Bat-Bogey Hex so viciously that every single second year Gryffindor and Slytherin had been hexed as well as Slughorn.

"Even the teacher?!"

"Yes."

Remus glanced at the High Table, noticing that Slughorn wasn't present. Still in the hospital...? Then he clutched the edge of the table as the other Gryffindor girl said, "I think Professor Dumbledore is getting the Ministry involved."

"Remus?" Peter asked, noticing his friend going super pale. "Are you getting sick again?"

"N--no. Yes. Oh Merlin."

"What is it?"

Remus shook his head and put his finger against his lips to indicate Pete to remain quiet, so he could keep listening in. But they weren't talking about the Ministry, they were talking about the hex. How they weren't sure how _everyone_ got hexed like that. How they had spent the rest of the afternoon in the hospital wing because Pomfrey was having a hard time getting _rid_ of the spells which meant someone really _powerful_ had done it.

_Probably because it was doubled, from both of them putting the spell up_, Remus thought.

"Who d'you think did it?"

Remus held his breath.

"No idea!" cried the blonde girl. "Dorie and I have been trying to think _all_ this time who could've done it, and McGonagall and Slughorn and Dumbledore were all trying to figure it out--" Here Remus looked at the front of the room again, realizing McGonagall and Dumbledore were gone too. "--probably why they're calling in the Ministry cause like, who? I would've said a Slytherin like the older Slytherins but why would they attack their own house?"

"You think it's a Ravenclaw? Or Hufflepuff?"

"We don't know," said the black girl. "I still think it's a Slytherin."

"But why would anyone attack their _own_ house?" asked the blonde.

Remus pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh. Between the idea a Gryffindor (or Slytherin) shouldn't have done it and the fact it had been so powerfully advanced, he figured they were in the clear for the fallout.

*

Sirius and James still hadn't appeared by the time Remus left for his lesson with Fawley, so he hoped they were all right. He was feeling quite a bit better. The food probably helped. Still, he felt pretty tired. As soon as he sat down on the couch he told Fawley everything. The prank, his blacking out, how he felt afterwards. Fawley listened carefully, nodding a bit, then finally giving him an answer.

"You could have died."

Remus sat up a little straighter. "What?"

"If you weren't a werewolf, you _could_ have died. Thank Merlin _you_ used the holding spell on the doorway instead of one of your friends! That's very advanced, dear. You drained yourself. Put yourself through the fire, so to speak, and if you did not have your healing power you would definitely still be unconscious." She tucked some hair behind her ear, frowning deeply. "Or dead."

"Oh."

"Yes 'oh'. I didn't realize how far you and your friends were going with this otherwise I would have put a stop to it last week. Keeping it up for a couple minutes would have been fine... keeping it up for as long as you did..." She sighed heavily. "I'm glad you're all right."

"I'm s-s-sorry I didn't realize..."

"There's a reason you start out with basic magic, Remus!"

He cowered back. "I know! I've t-told my f-friends that--"

"But you didn't listen to yourself?" she chided. Remus gulped, shaking hard. "There's nothing wrong with practicing advanced spells as long a you don't push yourself. Spells where you have to sustain a connection, you should practice adding a little bit of time onto it as you go. Don't jump from a minute to eight, nine, ten minutes! Ease yourself into sustaining spells. All right?"

"Yes ma'am." He should have thought of that, should have been _doing_ that. He just... hadn't... It never even crossed his mind. He felt so unbelievably _stupid_.

"One more thing..." He lifted his head, expecting more lecturing, or perhaps yelling. However a soft smile spread on her face instead. "Show me what happened."

Remus promised he would however mentioned there was a memory _he_ wanted to see. Fawley put her hands on him and they went to the library, to Snape attacking him. Of course he had to explain everything to Fawley, what happened, the aftermath, and even admitted the little argument with Lily and how it made him feel. Fawley talked to him, making him feel better about the whole thing--an adult who believed him. Then Remus showed her the Bat-Bogey Prank, enjoying her loud laughter. He was also very pleased at finally knowing for sure what Snape had done to him.

_Langlock_, he thought, filing it away to look up when he had some time.

*

Sirius and James were in the dorm when Remus returned, both of them eager to tell him everything. About all the bats filling the hospital wing, Pomfrey trying to remove the spells, how _hard_ it was for her, piles of snot everywhere, Slughorn was there questioning everyone, McGonagall showed up, Dumbledore showed up, the adults were talking about the Ministry... all in all, a major success. One of the second years had accused James and Sirius when they showed up but Slughorn had dismissed the accusation, stating it was far too advanced and powerful for a first year.

When James recounted this he fell onto his bed and kicked his legs, laughing with glee. "Too advanced! Too powerful! That's us!"

After a few more minutes of the four of them being ecstatic over their victory, Sirius turned on James's radio to find some victory tunes. He twisted the knob through the stations, snatches of sound coming out.

"--sale now only five sickles, only at Scrivensha--"

"--view with the one the only THE Annette Goldkettle about her divor--"

"--tack on Muggles in the Staffordshire area is possibly linked to--

"--_lways gonna be a flobberworm in your eye, tell me I ain't gonna reach the sky, well it might sound crazy but wait until you see this flobberworm is gonna fly!"_

Sirius turned off the radio in disgust. "Nothing good on."

"We need more radio stations," said Peter.

"We need a gramophone," grumbled James. "I've got one at home but my dad said I shouldn't bring it to school. Well I don't care, I'm bringing it next year. I've got loads of records."

"I've got a few, I'll bring them next year," Peter said quickly.

"I don't have any," Sirius said in a bit of a lofty manner.

They all looked at Remus now. "I--I've got a couple but they're all Muggle." His mother had given him copies of her favorites a couple Christmases ago. Would they play on a wizarding record player? He thought they would. Didn't know why not.

"Really?" James sounded surprised. "How come?"

"Err, they're from my mum..." Remus squirmed a little at how fascinated James looked. "Why?"

"Just wondering. I don't think I've ever heard _Muggle_ music."

"It can be good," Peter said. "I prefer magical music though. It sounds better."

"I rather like Muggle music," Remus admitted. "Of course, that's probably because I grew up with more Muggle music than magic." He pictured his mother playing Sinatra and pulling Remus into dances, both of them laughing. _I can make the rain go, anytime I move my finger... Lucky me, can't you see, I'm in love?_ The only time he really heard wizarding music was when his father played the radio.

Sirius bounded over to James's bed, falling down next to him. "Next year you can bring it with you so we don't have to rely on waiting for the radio to play good stuff. Because we need some _good_ music to celebrate to!"

"I've got some candy?" Peter offered then got into his desk, pulling out a box of chocoballs.

"You don't need to split those with us," Remus said, knowing chocoballs were a little more on the fancier side of sweets. In fact there were only four in the box Peter held.

"I want to," he said, opening it up. "Especially after what we did!" He held the box out and James and Sirius took one each. "Well, what you did. I didn't really do anything." He offered the box to Remus who went over to James's bed, taking the smallest one as he sat down on the corner of the bed,

"You helped us practice," James said then lifted the chocoball. "To--err--to... Man, we _really_ need a group name."

"Have you thought more about that?" Sirius asked Remus.

"N--not really. I've had a lot of other things on my mind." Actually he had completely forgotten Sirius's 'condition' of becoming friends back in the autumn. "I'll work on it over the holidays."

"Anyway, to us!" James lifted the chocoball again. Sirius, Peter, and Remus clinked theirs to his. "Absolutely brilliant pranksters of the _highest_ caliber!"

"To us!" they all laughed.

"To me and Sirius who pulled off the hex part in, I _must_ confess, a most _remarkable_ manner!" James continued, ignoring the fact that Sirius already bit into his sweet. "And to Remus who pulled off the holding part of the spell in an extraordinary measure! Annnd to Peter! Who technically gave us the idea in the first place because you mentioned furry bogies and that led to this!"

Peter raised his eyebrows rather high. "I--I did, didn't I?"

"You _did_, a very sensational idea too!" James winked at Peter who squeaked and dropped the chocoball at the praise. "Also, we..." James stopped, staring in disbelief. "Siri, did you already eat yours?"

"Yef," Sirius answered rather annoyed. "Din't know ye were gowin' on." He swallowed, wiping his mouth off on his sleeve. "And _don't_ call me that!"

"I had this big speech planned--oi! Remy!" James whined as Remus took a bite of his. Remus shrugged, then grinned as Peter began eating his a swell. "Fine, you heathens! I guess that's the end of my _spectacular_ speech, you'll _never_ hear it now."

"Okay," Sirius said sending Pete and Remus both into fits of giggles while James glowered.


	63. Chapter Sixty-Two - Small, Sick, and Oblivious

Despite the victorious and happy feeling basking in the aftermath of the Great Bogey Prank, Remus still felt stupid for pushing himself as much as he had, for pushing himself to the point of passing out. He couldn't quite reach the same level of giddiness as his friends. He had low grade nightmares all night, and felt a bit grouchy when he got up in the morning due to lack of sleep. His friends were still on Cloud Nine, especially as it's all anyone could talk about at breakfast. The entire Great Hall was abuzz with the news, _and_ there was a small article in the paper.

James borrowed a copy of the _Daily Prophet_ from an older student so they could check it out. It was only a paragraph long, stating that an entire class at Hogwarts had been afflicted with the Bat Bogey hex--twenty-eight people in all, including the teacher--and that the Ministry was looking into the culprits though they promised it was merely a school prank.

"We _need_ to get copies of that," James whispered after he pushed the paper back to the other student.

"We can probably just write to the _Prophet_ and request some copies without starting up a subscription," Sirius said.

James decided to do just that later in the day after Defense, writing out the request and dropping what he hoped would be enough coins into the envelope. The four boys walked to the owlery together since none of them had anything better to do. When they went in, Remus hoped none of them noticed how upset most the owls got at him.

James's eagle owl flew down to him immediately, putting on an air of importance that he had to have learned from his owner. "Big delivery today, Godric!" James attached the envelope to the owl's leg. "_Daily Prophet_ headquarters. As fast as you can!" They watched Godric fly off, then headed out of the owlery.

A lot of times when they were walking around Remus would read which always amused his friends. Usually his wolf senses were sharp enough to keep himself out of trouble however there were times he was so invested in the story he didn't pay attention and ran into things. After they left the owlery, Remus got out his latest novel and trailed after his friends, nose in the book. He followed them, their chatter going in one ear and out the other as he read. After about two floors of following them he ran smack dab into something.

Someone.

Sirius stood squarely in front of him, grinning from ear to ear. "You should pay more attention."

"I w-was," Remus complained. "Why'd you stop?"

"Wanted to see if you were paying attention." Sirius folded his arms, raising one eyebrow. "Which you weren't. I was watching you and you nearly ran into a statue a bit ago."

"Yes but I _didn't_..." Remus frowned, the same feeling going through him as it did the other day when Sirius had saved him from walking off the top step and said he had had his eye on him. It all went back to what Fawley showed him, and Remus decided to just confront him about it. "You were ahead of me. How were you watching me?"

"Oh! This fantastic new invention called... ready for this?" Sirius turned so his back was to Remus and then turned his head. "Looking over my shoulder. Neat, eh?" Down the hallway James and Peter burst into laughter.

Remus frowned even more, brow furrowing. "All right then, _why_ were you watching me?"

Sirius twisted back round to face him. "Huh? Why was I watching my friend nearly run into things cause he's _not_ paying attention? Er, sorry for being concerned...?"

Remus's stomach lurched. He couldn't really point out Sirius seemed to have a tendency for 'watching' him without it being odd. "You d-d-don't need to--to watch me. I'm not a child. W--well, technically, I--I guess I am? Is twelve a child still? Ei--either way, yes. You don't need to do that."

Sirius pushed his hair back, his face rather impassive now. "Fine, sheesh. Sorrrry." He marched back to James and Peter. Peter whispered, asking what that had been about. Sirius whispered back that he didn't know. "I was just trying to _help_ him..." They didn't know he could hear, as usual.

"Guess you never know what will set him off," replied James.

Remus had his nose in the book though wasn't reading anymore. _Set me off? What does he mean by that? I wasn't being mean or rude, was I_?_ I just didn't--don't--want anyone watching me. Is that so wrong?_ Then he came to a stop. _Does he mean crazy? Does he still think_...? Did he? James had been the one to really push the whole Crazy Remus thing before they became friends. Did... James just... still think that way? Deep down? Was that what he meant? _Set me off into a crazy spiel_? Remus slowly began walking again, fighting the nausea. _I'm just overthinking things. Surely he doesn't view me that way still_.

However a bit of doubt crept into him. That part of him that always reminded him of his inhumanity, his beastly nature, his difference. It wriggled into his heart like an evil worm, spreading its darkness and fear. He wished he didn't feel this way after--after so long!

_We've been friends for_... Remus did the math quickly, stopping once more. _Five months. Merlin's beard we've been friends for almost exactly five months now_! He looked up at the backs of the other boys, wondering if they knew. If he told them would they feel that little spark that he felt? Probably not. They'd probably just laugh at him for being weird.

Sirius stopped walking too, then jogged back to Remus. "You all right?"

_No, Maybe. I don't know_. _I would be if I knew what James meant_... Remus didn't want to ask, though. "Yeah."

He smiled and flung an arm around Remus's shoulder. "Come on, we're gonna find some Slytherins to trip." And he pulled Remus back to the group. He went along with them, trying his best to ignore his ugly thoughts, ignore what James said--no, ignore what he thought James _meant_. He couldn't trust them completely however he had to trust them at least a little. If James thought Remus was truly crazy, he wouldn't be friends, would he? So either James was really good at faking it or he didn't see Remus as truly crazy. Remus was more inclined to agree with the latter mostly due to the fact James was so self-centered Remus doubted he'd fake it to that extreme for someone else (except maybe Sirius). Or was that being unfair?

_I wish I knew legilimency_. He wanted to know what was going on in their heads, what they actually thought of him. Whether they had this absolute anxiety over every little encounter like he did, whether they over analyzed everything like he did.

He had confronted Sirius about the watching thing (sort of). Should he confront James...?

A little bit later he had the opportunity when Sirius and Peter went to the kitchens to snitch some food while James and Remus remained in the secret passage they had been hiding out in. James didn't seem nervous or freaked out being alone with Remus which was a good sign... right? After a few minutes he gathered up as much as his Gryffindor-ness as possible and asked, "Hey James? Um. I w--was just wondering something." He shifted his weight a little, terrified to continue except now he had to because James was staring at him curiously. "Do--do you think--you--do you--"

"Are you okay?" James asked when Remus stammered himself into not speaking.

"Am I crazy?" Remus blurted out.

James raised his eyebrows pretty high, mouth opening a little bit. "What? Probably. I mean, aren't we all? You, me, Siri, and Pete? I like to think we've all got just the right touch of madness."

"Um..." Remus swallowed, not sure how to take _that_. "No. I mean. I heard what you said earlier. About... setting me off... up on the upper floor...? I just--wasn't sure. What you meant."

"Oh." James rubbed the back of his neck, looking very uncomfortable and awkward now. "Sorry. Er, I didn't mean _crazy_. I meant--sometimes it seems like you get upset easily and I don't know why... Just felt like you went off on Sirius for no reason."

Remus tried to make himself seem smaller, pushing back against the wall, wanting to disappear. "I d--don't like the idea of being _watched_. It's--creepy. I mean I--I appreciate him wanting to _help_ me but it's just kinda creepy too."

He nodded, his usual smile returning to his face. "Yeah, I get that. Guess Sirius is just kinda--" He stopped quickly, coughing. "Well hopefully they get back soon--"

"Sirius is just what?"

"It's nothing--"

"Come on, tell me. Please?"

James sighed and stretched out his legs. The passageway was so small his feet just about reached the other side. "He worries about you. I guess we all do, but him especially. You're kinda easy to worry about. I'm _sorry_!" he said when Remus looked cross. "You're just so _small_! And sick! And kind've oblivious."

"I am not!"

"Yes you are!" James laughed. "You're like that comic book. _The Preoccupied Potions Professor_? Who's always so into his books and teaching that he barely notices anything around him? I mean come on!" He reached out, pushing up the cuff of Remus's pants revealing one white sock and one black one. Remus scowled, pulling his feet away. "It's not just your clothes. You always seem so... out of it. Like your mind is always on something else. Like you've got more important things to deal with than what's going on around you."

_I do_, Remus thought, but before he could try to defend himself James continued with, "Which is _totally_ understandable, I mean you've been through a lot." Fear stabbed through him at those words and his breath caught in his throat. James kept going, not noticing Remus's panicked expression. "With your mum sick, and you being sick sometimes. Like, yeah, it makes sense. But. Yeah. You're kind've oblivious."

The passage went silent as Remus mulled over those words. He--he knew he couldn't really deny it. He did have his mind on more important things than clothes or--whatever. "I don't really like being watched though," he finally mumbled. "Or worried over. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

"Yeah, uh, you didn't eat anything at lunch. You realize that, right? You read the entire time and poked at your food without ever taking a bite--least, Sirius says so. That's part of why they went off for food."

_No wonder I'm so hungry_. "Well--still..."

"You're our friend. Why does it bother you that we worry?"

Remus didn't know how to answer properly. He didn't want them focusing so much on him, watching, noticing things. "Because... I--I guess I feel like worry is too close to pity, and I don't want that."

He tugged at the cuff of his pants, still feeling as though they were pushed up even though they weren't. He had nothing else to say on the matter. He got the information he wanted, and answered James. He knew James wasn't feeling too keen on the whole conversation. Talking about feelings and emotions were something James tried to avoid like the plague, so it meant a lot to Remus that he had been willing to talk as much as he had now without switching the conversation to something more proper like sports (_yuck_).

"This got away from the whole d'you-think-I'm-crazy," Remus joked, causing James to chuckle.

"Well I _don't_," James promised, patting Remus's arm. "Just a wee bit mad, like the rest of us. In a good way."

"Maybe we should call ourselves the Mad Hatters." He glanced up to see if James got the reference which he clearly didn't. "_Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_? No? Okay never mind."

"That a book?"

"Yeah, a Muggle book."

"Oh." James crinkled his nose a little bit. "Right."

When Sirius and Peter returned, Remus felt a lot better about everything. He thanked Sirius when he dropped a bag full of sandwiches in his lap, urging Remus to eat. As they ate, Remus apologized for snapping at Sirius earlier; Sirius didn't seem to mind too much, shrugging the apology off as if it wasn't that important however Remus got the sense that he was pleased with the apology.

*

Revenge against Snape came not with a storm but a steady dripping. Small things, repeatedly, until they could think of a really good Big One. Wednesday morning when he mixed together some porridge it began bubbling over, spilling across the table, into his lap, into the dishes of other Slytherins. Then his glass of juice had a hole in it. During lunch he nearly broke a tooth when all his food turned into rocks. He glared at the Gryffindor table then got up to get more food. When he sat back down he found himself stuck to the bench with a rather strong sticking spell. He had to rip his robes to get back up.

At dinner they were inspired by Lily (due to the whole noodle-into-worm thing) to turn Snape's food into bugs. Slytherins were shouting in fear and anger as various beetles and creepy-crawlies scuttled off of Snape's plate to raid the rest of the food. Of course Slughorn got involved, who went to McGonagall, who went to the two mischief-makers in her house who denied having _anything_ to do this with. She took them to her office, Remus and Peter as well, in hopes to get one of them to confess.

Remus normally quailed under her stern eyes however he still felt enough fury from the whole tongue thing, so he just told her, "The only evidence y-you have is that we dislike him, and you've m-made it clear before th-that _that_ isn't enough evidence. Or is that only in cer-ce-certain cases?"

McGonagall raised her eyebrows slightly, pressing her lips thin. Remus stared right back. She dismissed the four of them, visibly irritated. James, Sirius, and Peter all whispered how brilliant Remus had been. He didn't feel brilliant. He just still felt mad. And tired. Really tired.

"C-can we be done with revenge against him?" he asked.

"We've barely done anything!" Sirius complained.

Remus just sighed. "Please?"

"All right, but we're still doing the spider thing," James grumbled.

The next day during Potions when Snape got into his bag for his book dozens of spiders came scurrying out. He screamed, yanking back, falling off the bench and onto the floor. The spiders kept coming out, going all over him and across the floor. Other students began shrieking, jumping up onto the benches to avoid the arachnids. Snape wallowed on the floor, arms flailing as he tried to get the spiders off; Slughorn came to his rescue, using a spell to sweep all the spiders up into a pile which lit on fire, the smell of burning spiders filling the air. Slughorn looked at James and Sirius who pretended to look as horrified as everyone else.

They did get in trouble for that one, but neither of them were particularly bothered. At least they had agreed not to pursue more. Remus _wanted_ more revenge--Snape deserved it, in his opinion--but he also just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Besides, there were more important things to deal with, aka: the end-of-term exams.

Study group had become a not-so-regular thing with everyone. The only ones who were pretty much always there when Remus was were Lily, Silverlocke, and Craft. Occasionally the others would be missing. But with end-of-term exams coming up--even ones as trivial as they expected these to be--everyone had been showing up regularly. And on Thursday evening, Peter asked if he could join them which Remus happily agreed to. Since he was notoriously bad at school Twycross and Craft--the two snobs--gave him looks as he crept after Remus who was prepared to fight for Peter's right to be there if he wanted to. He didn't really join in the conversations, just listened with wide eyes and took copious amount of notes. Afterwards on the way back to the tower, he bemoaned how _smart_ everyone else was compared to him. He was on one side of Remus with Lily (who thankfully didn't blame Remus for the spider thing) on Remus's other side, and Twycross ahead of them, blonde ponytail swishing rather violently probably due to the fact Peter was there.

"You'll do fine," Lily said, trying her best to sound encouraging. "Didn't your last History essay got an O?"

"Y...eah..." Peter squeaked, turning his head.

Remus wasn't even aware of ducking his own head or the flash of guilt that crossed his face. Lily took all of this in and sighed. "Remus, did you write his essay?"

Twycross stopped in her tracks, turning around. "You can't be doing someone else's homework! That's cheating!"

"I didn't!" Remus insisted while Peter went brilliantly pink. "I--I--I merely helped him. A... a lot..." Strictly speaking Peter _had_ written it. Just, Remus kept giving him suggestions... helped with the phrasing... but Peter _wrote_ it...

Twycross snorted in disgust then flounced far ahead of them which wasn't much of a loss, in any of their opinions. Especially Remus. He _still_ thought there was something about her that rubbed him the wrong way, he just couldn't put his finger on it. She was snobby and know-it-all but so was Craft and Craft didn't give him this reaction.

"Lily's right, you'll do fine," Remus said as Peter began moaning again. "As much as I hate to say it, James and Sirius _are_ a little bit right... I mean, these exams are poss--possibly important but I think you're putting more pressure on yourself than you should."

"Yeah!" Lily agreed. "It's only our first year anyways."

"It's only gonna get _harder_!" Peter cried out, nearly dropping his books. "I bet I'll be the first student to ever be kicked out cause of stupidity."

Remus didn't think at all before he responded with, "Actually, according to _Hogwarts, a History_, there have been several students who have fai--" he stopped as Peter just stared in absolute horror, realizing he had made a bad mistake. Oops.

"You mean it's _happened_!?" Peter's voice was so high and squeaky he was hardly comprehensible.

Lily gave Remus a light smack. "He's fooling, that's all."

Peter kept staring at Remus who nodded quickly. "Only fooling," he lied, trying to mimic James's smile but it just more resembled a grimace that made Peter start crying. He dropped his books, sank down onto the floor, and cried that he was going to be kicked out.

Lily glowered at Remus. "Why'd you have to go and panic him for?" she hissed out.

"I d-d-didn't mean to!" Remus dropped to his knees, putting a hand around Peter. "Hey. Hey listen, you're not going to be expelled for poor grades. You've g--got talent."

"No I haven't!" Peter wallowed around. "All I'm good for is--" He stopped then gave another wail. "Nothing! Nothing! Good for _nothing_! Being a guinea pig, that's _me_. Peter the guinea pig. That's all I did for the--"

Remus cut him off, assuming he was about to mention the Bat-Bogey Prank. "Hey, stop that!" Then he looked at Lily desperately. Comforting was something he really didn't know how to do! Judging by the look on her face, she wasn't quite sure what to say either. Remus thought for a couple seconds then reached into Peter's pocket, taking his wand out and putting it into Peter's hand. He had to manually wrap Peter's fingers around the end. "Make this levitate," he said, taking a rather heavy school book out of his own bag.

Peter sniveled and blinked through the tears. "Uwah?"

"Remus--" Lily started but he ignored her.

"Come on then." He stared hard into Peter's wet face. "Remember those cookies mum sent for my birthday? I still have one, you can have it if you do."

Peter sat upright, wiped the snot off his face onto his sleeve, then flourished his wand. "Wingardium leviosa!"

The book floated. Not spectacularly, but it floated, wobbling in the air a foot or so off the ground. "See?" Remus said, clapping his hands. "You're crying yet you managed to levitate something fairly heavy!"

The book dropped as Peter lowered his hand. "Uhh."

"Being upset while doing magic makes it very tricky," Lily said as Remus helped Peter to his feet.

"I... g-g-guess I did," Peter sniffled, wiping his face again. "Only cause you promised food," he added quite bitterly.

"So?" Remus began picking up Peter's books. "If it helps to have a reward then who cares that's what helps you focus?"

"You don't think it's pathetic?"

"No," Lily and Remus both said and Peter gave another sniffle as the tears finally stopped. Remus handed his books back to him, and they began walking again.

"You're still g--giving me that cookie, right Remy?"

Remus smiled and put his arm back around Peter, ignoring the giggles Lily was trying to suppress over the nickname. Ugh he had hoped she'd _never_ hear that dumb name. "Of course, Petey. It's yours."


	64. Chapter Sixty-Three - More Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Peter did not come back to study group on Friday. He told Remus later in the evening that he had felt too intimidated, and felt like everyone was too out of his league. He felt too stupid. Remus said if Peter wanted he'd help him study, which Peter happily agreed. The two of them spent ages on the floor of their dorm, pouring through books, Peter asking questions, Remus doing his best to help. He _knew_ Peter had it in him to do better. He just needed the confidence.

"Dunno why you're doing that, the exams aren't important at all," said James, watching the two of them with faint disgust.

"Studying is never a bad thing," said Remus in return.

Sirius crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in their direction. It landed in the book in Remus's lap. "Five points!" Sirius laughed. "C'mon you two, let's do something fun. Studying is boring."

"You two aren't even studying anyway!" Peter grumbled, wincing as another paper ball went his way, bouncing off his shoulder.

"I think too much studying will hurt you." Sirius had his eyes locked on Remus, an arrogant grin on his face. "You go to the library every night! That's gotta be bad for you."

Remus pushed some of his hair back. "My grades say otherwise," he said haughtily, causing Sirius to snort.

James and Sirius returned to their conversation, leaving the two on the floor alone, however soon Peter started listening in. James was talking about the upcoming International Quidditch Tournament over the summer, discussing with Sirius which teams would be going. He also mentioned _he'd_ be going to some of the games, definitely the final one. His family always got top box seats for any game they wanted to go to, and always went to the big games. Then he started talking about the World Cup he had gone to in 1970, traveling all the way to Australia for it.

"Hey... you guys should come too, to the International finale this summer!" James sat up, quite excited. "I'll pay. My treat."

"Yeah, then we can hang out some this summer, too!" Peter said, dropping his quill.

"Yes! We could have a sleepover at my place!" James pumped his fist in the air. "My parents'll be fine with it. We've got _plenty_ of space. And by then I'll have my new broom so you guys can give it a go."

"That'd be so awesome!" Peter scrambled away from the books, climbing up onto James's bed. "I'm sure my parents will be okay with that. They always like hearing about you guys when I write home. Maybe you can come visit my house too! It's not as impressive and a bit Muggle from my dad and grandfather--my Muggle grandfather, he lives with us--but we could do something there too."

Remus and Sirius were both silent as the two made plans and it took them a moment to realize this. "You two are coming too, right?" James said.

"My family's always got far too many stupid summer plans," Sirius said, inspecting his fingernails closely. "I doubt I'd be able to get away from having to be present."

"My--mum's usually worse in the--in the summer," Remus lied. "I don't think I-I should make plans since, um, I'd probably end up having to--to, uh, to cancel."

James looked disappointed and it didn't seem to help when Peter said, "Well, I'll definitely be able to come."

"Cool," he said in response, sounding fake to Remus's ears. He looked over at Sirius who now had a magazine in his hand, trying to ignore his friend's stares. "Are you sure you couldn't get--"

"We need music." Sirius jumped out of James's bed and turned on the radio. At least most the stations were playing music unlike earlier in the week, and Sirius found one playing the hits from the 60s. He turned it up loud, too loud for James to question him further which gave Remus some relief since he didn't want James pushing about visiting either.

*

The weekend before the final week of the term was mostly spent with Peter, helping him study, trying to get him to retain _some_ information, Remus doing his best to help him with memorization. It was a super rainy weekend so everyone else remained in the school too, James and Sirius constantly complaining about being bored. On Sunday they wreaked havoc by using the last of their firecrackers to put in all the toilets from the ground floor to the third floor (except Myrtle's bathroom). They packed one toilet so full that it exploded, the seat reportedly flying to the other side of the bathroom. The room was flooded and Filch had to spend ages trying to get everything mopped up.

Then the exams came and they were hardly anything. Mostly just revision, the teachers making sure they were prepared for the summer term. Even Peter thought they weren't so bad. But the homework--it was brutal. Every class the teachers piled more and more assignments onto the students until even James was grouchy.

"Impossible," he grumbled on Tuesday, staring at the pile of paper on his desk.

"My theory is they hate us and want us to suffer through the holidays," said Sirius.

Remus looked in despair at the work he needed to do. _I should write home again, beg them to let me stay_. The thought of being away from the Hogwarts library made him a little sick. He wanted the best possible grades he could get! He quickly penned out a note, folding it up carefully. "Going to the owlery, I'll see you guys down in the Great Hall," Remus said as he grabbed his cloak, figuring by the time he got the letter to Arthur and came down it'd be time for supper.

He didn't take encounters into consideration. When he went into the tower, he hesitated, seeing someone else in there already: Snape. _Why_? He considered waiting in the corridor then jut his chin out, marching into the owlery. Snape narrowed his eyes, watching as Remus went near to where Arthur usually stayed. Remus ignored the other boy as he held his arm out. Arthur flew down, looking a bit healthier than the last time Remus had seen him.

"You're a good boy," Remus said, accepting Arthur's nuzzles. "Need you to take this to Mum and Dad." He attached the letter and carried Arthur to the window, arm dipping as his owl took off. He felt very aware of being watched by Snape, little pinpricks of discomfort all over his body. When he turned he tried to avoid Snape's gaze. It got worse when he went down the stairs and Snape followed.

Snape's footsteps went a little quicker then Remus felt hands on his back, and Snape shoved. Remus stumbled and tripped, crashing rather painfully into the wall. "I know it was your friends," he said, watching Remus trying to right himself. "It's always them."

"I d-d-don't know wha--what you're t-talking about." Remus rubbed his arm where it had smacked against the stone.

"The spiders," Snape growled. "And the mud!"

"I--I r-really d-don't know what you're--" He stopped as Snape got out his wand. "I didn't _do_ anything!"

"You tell them to stop!" The wand shook a little from the tension in Snape's arm. "Just--tell them to stop! I never did anything to them! They started it! If they don't stop then... then..."

"Then what?" Remus demanded rather hotly. "You'll g-go around attacking p-people who d-didn't have anything to--to do with it?"

"They're nothing but bullies."

"So are you!" The pain had finally faded and Remus straightened up, fumbling for his wand. "Going to use another--illegal curse on me?" he was immensely pleased to see how pale Snape went. "That spell--it's n--not anywhere that I can find."

Snape raised his wand a little bit, pointing right at Remus's face. "You don't know what spell I used!"

Remus got his wand out now, pointing it right back. "Langlock." A flash of annoyance appeared on the Slytherin's face. "Wh--where'd you find it?"

Snape's lip curled. "Wouldn't _you_ like to know." He came closer to Remus but still kept himself at arm's distance. "Just tell them to leave me _alone_. Got it, Loopy?" He brushed past him, tucking his wand away as he went. When he got near the stairs he paused, glancing back at Remus, a nasty smile on his face. "Least I do know one thing. Lily's loyalty to me is stronger than to you." With that he disappeared down the steps.

Remus sank down to the ground, chest heaving a bit as he tried to catch his breath. He had been a little more frightened in that confrontation than he expected. Plus the last words had really hurt him, as much as he wished they didn't. He glared at the stairs for a while before getting up, heading down himself. Slowly, to give Snape even more time to stay ahead. Unless he was hiding somewhere... Remus kept his senses on high alert the entire way down to the Great Hall but wasn't in any danger during the trip.

"You took a while," Sirius remarked when Remus finally sat down.

He did his best not to look towards the Slytherin table. Perhaps he should have let his friends get more revenge for the tongue thing; probably should tell them about this too, he just didn't want to deal with the fighting right now. "I gave Arthur loads of att-t-ttention." The stutter slipped out even though he had been focusing on his words, and all three friends frowned. "So, er, what are your plans for--the holiday?"

"Without you? Who knows," sighed James, returning to his food. "I mean, besides celebrating my birthday though I might be going home for a couple days for that." He began slurping up soup loudly. "Haven't decided yet. So I might be on the train with you, but come back probably the twenty-eighth."

"You better," Sirius said. "Don't wanna be here alone all holidays."

"I--I'll be here," Peter said rather despondently.

Sirius flashed a smile. "Yeah, that's right!" He didn't sound wholly convincing to Remus though, but Peter seemed mollified.

Remus saw Lily come in and excused himself. He thought he could ask her. He just hoped it didn't start anything. If he kept the pushing part out, he figured it'd be fine. He inquired about the whole mud thing--stating that Snape had asked him to get his friends to stop. Lily informed him that on Sunday a whole bucket full of smelly mud had been dumped on Snape's head, along with some sticking solution that made it near impossible for the mud to get off.

"I didn't know they did that, I'm sorry," he said.

Lily brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. "I know you like them. I--I know I'm not really being fair asking this... just... maybe you should rethink your friendship with them? Not--Pettigrew, he doesn't seem too bad. It just seems like Potter and Black drag the two of you into all sorts of trouble."

Remus shook his head during most of this. "Yeah they're trouble-makers but they _are_ my friends, and I like them."

"That's what I figured you'd say," she said with a smile. "I'm glad they're nice to you at least. If they're ever mean to you, I'll let them have it. I mean it."

"Thanks. If--anyone does anything to you, I've got your back." She raised her eyebrows at that, eyes darting to his friends. "I do defend you to them, when they talk about pranking you."

Her hand brushed against his arm. "Thanks. Are you coming to study tonight?"

"N--no, I've got some stuff I need to do..."

"Where _do_ you go Tuesday nights?" she asked, tilting her head. "You're not with them. I remember them saying something in November. What do you do?"

"N--nothing... not much. I mean. P--personal stuff," he stammered out, trying to think of an excuse. Then suddenly, "Madame Pomfrey. I mean, the hospital wing. For--check ups."

"Oh." Her voice softened, however there remained a bit of steeliness in her eyes. "Are you okay...?"

His fingers plucked at the end of his sleeve, tugging at a loose end. "Yeah, just--you know--regular check ups. Blood tests. That sort of thing."

"Must be rough."

"It---it is, yeah. Well, uh, better--go and finish my supper..." He quickly returned to the boys, feeling Lily's eyes on him for a few moments until finally she looked away. He really hoped his lie would be enough. He figured he ought to tell the boys too, in case Lily asked them anything, so when he finished eating he told them he'd see them later he was going to the hospital wing. They expressed concern, and Remus acted surprised. Hadn't he mentioned it before? He told them what he had told Lily, stating that really he thought they knew.

"Blood tests?" Peter asked, looking squeamish.

"Want us to walk you there?" Sirius offered.

"No, it's okay. I--I'll see you later." He grabbed his bag, cheerfully leaving the Great Hall now, pleased that at least they seemed to believe him.

*

Potions, of course, still remained a hard exam no matter how easy it was for everyone else. Remus gagged, choked, and held back nausea on Thursday as he made the throat-soothing potion they had been required to make. It wasn't quite as bad as other potions they had made, however still nasty enough to cause him problems. At least he got an A at the end. Slughorn added to the enormous pile of homework that was due when they started classes again, then had the audacity to wish them a happy holiday.

"I wish you were staying here," Peter moaned as they trooped out of the dungeon. "How am I supposed to get my stuff done with you gone?"

"Yeah, it really sucks," agreed James, looking anxiously at Remus who had taken to looking over all their homework lately, therefore giving them better grades.

"I'll be back on a Saturday so I'll be over to check your homework before Monday," Remus said, not mentioning that he was hoping to be _here_ for the holidays. He was still waiting for Arthur to return, knowing perfectly well his parents' answer.

Sure enough the next morning Arthur brought a letter with his mother rather angrily complaining at the very idea of Remus staying!

_It's going to be four, sweetheart. You really need to be here. As much as you can. I know your grades are very, very important however your safety is even more important._

He crumpled the letter up, annoyed. _I'll have to do the best I can then when I come back spend the entire Sunday in the library fixing everything_, he decided, then remembered his promise to his friends the day before. _Oh yeah, and help them too. It's fine, I can do both_.

After Defense he went to the library to get started on his homework, spending the afternoon and most the evening in there, forgoing supper. Study group wasn't meeting that night anyway, so he just focused on his essays. At fifteen till seven he left, swinging by the kitchens to stuff some food in his pockets before hurrying to his dorm. His friends were already celebrating their freedom with music blaring, James and Sirius dancing wildly around, crashing into each other. Peter was watching them, looking like he wanted to join but not daring to.

"There you are!" Sirius said as he spun around and spotted Remus in the doorway. "You were gone _all_ day!" He grabbed Remus's arm, yanking him in, and giving him a spin, trying to get him to join in the dancing.

Remus just set his stuff on his desk. His head already started throbbing from the too-loud music. "Homework."

"Already?" Sirius crinkled his nose up. "Ew."

Now he pulled the food out of his pockets, dumping them on his desk. Of course his friends were suddenly very hungry despite having had supper; thankfully Remus had suspected that would happen and brought extra. They piled onto James's bed, chatting about the holidays, Sirius and Peter complaining about it just being the two of them until James got back. Also complaining about missing James's birthday.

"It's just a real big deal for my parents," said James, peeling apart his sandwich and putting crisps in it before putting it back together. Peter began imitating him. "They would have said yeah if I asked to stay, 'xcept I dunno, I just wanted to have another big birthday to-do, you know?"

After eating Remus packed up some bags to take home, making sure he had all his school books as well as all his notes. _At least I'll be able to lie about not being sick_, he thought as he finished putting away the last bit of clothing he thought he'd need for the two weeks home.

In the morning after breakfast Sirius and Peter went outside with James and Remus. Remus clutched at his bags, eyeing the horrifying things hooked up to the carriages, wishing they could just walk to Hogsmeade or something. The four boys said their temporary goodbyes (Sirius messing up Remus's hair) then James and Remus got into a carriage. As before, Remus sat as far from the Thing as he possibly could.

As they got onto the _Hogwarts Express_, Lily approached them, very unhappy at the sight of James. "Remus, were we sitting together...?"

"No," James said.

Remus elbowed him lightly. "Of course. If--if that's okay with you," he added to Lily who glared even more at James but nodded, joining them in a compartment. None of her other friends were going home for the holidays; hardly anyone was. The train felt so empty.

He hoped James and Lily would be able to get along well enough for the trip however it didn't take long for them to fall into an argument. It started off with Lily and Remus discussing some classes until James suggested a change of topic since school was 'too boring'. She called him a dunce, he called her a starry-eyed Muggleborn, and it went downhill from there winding up in them on their feet shouting insults at each other until Remus grabbed Lily, hauling her out of the compartment.

"HE'S SUCH A JERK!" she screamed as Remus slammed the door shut.

"YOU'RE NO MISS SUNSHINE YOURSELF!" came the angry response behind the door.

Lily growled, stomping her foot. "Remus--" Then she stopped, drawing in breath. "I'm sorry. I--I tried but he's just--horrible."

"I'm sorry," Remus apologized right back. He should have known this would happen, shouldn't have had them sit in the same place. But he didn't know what to do now. Sit with Lily? Sit with James?

She sighed, shoulders sagging. "I'll see you after the holidays. It's okay," she said when he opened his mouth to protest. "He's coming back early, right? So you and I can sit together on the trip back. Plus I'm more understanding than he is, if you left him for me he'd just blow up or something." She gave him a quick hug and trotted away.

Remus went back into the compartment where James was stewing. He started to say something but Remus cut him off. "She's my friend," he said, taking a seat across from him. "So just don't, all right? Please?"

He ended up splitting his time between them, spending some time with James for a bit, then wandering off to find Lily and sit with her for a while. He spent the last two hours with James, though, and he had calmed down a lot, gotten back into a good mood. He had bought half the sweet trolley for the two to split and when the train pulled into Kings Cross Remus had to shove a lot of candy in his pockets.

Now came the difficulty of going to his mother without James being there. They walked to the nearest doors then Remus pretended he forgot something in the compartment. "You go ahead," he said, running back to the compartment. He glanced out the window, watching James approach the same elderly couple he had at the Christmas holidays. Remus watched them hug then James glanced back at the train. Remus ducked down, counted to fifteen, then slowly made his way off the train. The station was so much emptier than the Christmas holidays. Everyone's reunions were laid bare for the rest to see.

Remus saw Lily with her parents and frowned, rather sad her sister wasn't anywhere in sight. Before he could look for his own parents, his mother was at his side, hugging him tightly, telling him how much she had missed him, how worried she'd been. She smoothed down his hair then tipped his head back to look into his face.

"Last month went well?" she whispered.

"Y--yeah." He saw out of the corner of his eye that James was pulling the Indian woman towards them. He could hear him clearly. 'That's my friend, Remus'. "We sh--should go."

"Yes--"

But it was too late.

"Hey Remus!" James grinned broadly. "This is my mum and dad!" He indicated the elderly couple (not his grandparents!) with pride. "Mum, Dad, this is my friend Remus."

Remus could feel his mother stiffening next to him, her hand clutching at his shoulder. "Th--this is my mother," he said rather hollowly. "Mum, this is... J--James Potter."

Mrs. Potter held out her hand. "It's so nice to meet you. Mrs. Lupin, is it? James has told us so much about Remus here."

"Has he," Hope said flatly, not taking Mrs. Potter's hand for a second before putting on a fake smile. "It's nice to meet you too." She wrapped her hand around hers, shaking it very awkwardly. "I'm terribly sorry for running off however we've got some stops to make, and I need to get supper ready."

"Of course." Mrs. Potter now smiled at Remus. "Maybe we'll see you this summer?"

"M--maybe," Remus croaked out, feeling so sick, feeling nothing but dread filling his body from head to toe. James was still smiling. So happy. So unaware of what he had just done. Why couldn't he have just left with his parents?!

"See ya, Remus!" James said brightly.

"B--bye."

Hope pulled Remus along in silence, very quickly as if trying her best to get as far away from the Potters immediately. Remus stumbled along, trying to keep up with his mother's pace. She said absolutely nothing the entire trip to the parking lot until they got into the car with the doors shut. Hope just sat there, clutching the wheel so tightly her knuckles went white.

Remus was on the verge of just throwing up. "M... mum...?"

Hope burst into tears, bending forward to press her forhead against the wheel. "How could you? How could you?!"

Remus shrank back, regretting every decision he made. _I shouldn't have become friends with them, I shouldn't have let them in_! "He--he's not really my friend," he said without even thinking, the lies pouring out. "He's my dorm-mate. I've helped him with his homework a couple of times, and we've had to be partners in some classes."

Hope's sobs began quieting, though tears continued to drop down. "It isn't safe."

"I know. I know, Mum, I--I'm not--he's not really my friend. I guess he just--thinks he is because I've helped him." It was easier to lie to his mother than he ever thought it would be. He thought he would feel like crap for doing it, but he just felt... fine. Almost distant. Like it wasn't him lying.

"You understand why you can't have friends, baby, right?"

"Of course." He sat up a little straighter as the deception wrapped around him. "I don't have friends. I swear that I don't."

"Tell me. Tell me why it isn't safe."

"Because if anyone finds out they'd report me to the Ministry and I would either be taken to one of their werewolf locations or else executed. Nobody likes us. We're monsters."

Hope reached out, her hand groping for his. "I know it's hard. I'm sorry you have to go through this." She finally lifted her head, her makeup smeared all over her face, some of her tawny curls having escaped the bun she had put them in. "I can't even imagine how hard it is for you. But you're so strong." She squeezed his hand tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too, Mum. I'm sorry that--that happened, that you got so upset."

"It's okay. I'm just glad to know you're not friends with him. Or anyone."

Remus nodded as Hope started the car. "Of course I'm not," he said, looking out the window, unable to believe the luck that she believed him. But, naturally she'd trust him, he never lied to her before. "It isn't safe."


	65. Chapter Sixty-Four - Easter

The trip back home was spent listening to the Muggle radio instead of talking which for Remus was a great relief as he didn't want to continue spouting lies at the moment. Instead he closed his eyes, letting the music swallow him up. _Music soothes the savage beast,_ he thought with a small smile.

When they approached Dragon's Field, Hope grew more animated. "You're going to be so happy!" she said as they pulled into the garage. "It's wonderful."

Remus got out of the car, wondering what happened. Then when he went into the house he came to a halt, staring at a big banner stretching across the room. _Happy Birthday_! Magicked confetti drifted down from the ceiling, disappearing as soon as it touched the floor.

Hope came up behind him, bending down to hug him. "You didn't think we wouldn't, did you?" she laughed, kissing his cheek. "My baby boy is _twelve_!"

"Happy birthday," Lyall said, sounding not quite as excited as his wife. However he pulled out his wand and lit the candles that were stuck in a great big cake, then he and Hope sang 'for he's a jolly good fellow' while Remus thought of a wish.

_I wish for me to be able to stay friends with them_, he thought, then blew out all the candles. Hope cheered while Lyall began cutting out thick slices of the gooey chocolate-y goodness. Remus got it all over his face while his dad chattered about how the shop had been doing, and Hope talked about some magical plants she wanted for her garden. Then Remus answered their questions about school, mostly just repeating things he had already said in his many letters home. Hope glowed with pride hearing about all his good grades (almost, he barely talked about Defense; he didn't want them knowing Dedenne despised him for being a werewolf).

It felt super cozy, and made Remus happy. He had been worried that things would be weird like they had been during Christmas however already these holidays were shaping up to be a good couple weeks.

*

The first full day of the holidays was spent getting dirty out in the garden, helping his mother prepare for the upcoming planting season. Hope's garden was one of her pride and joys--especially for a Muggle woman who took care of loads of magical plants. This year she really needed some help as some weeds had grown that she was having trouble with.

"Your father's just so busy I hate to ask him," she said when she pointed the creeping ivy out to Remus.

"It's _resulto_ ivy; rebound ivy." Remus crouched down, recognizing it from Herbology class. James and Sirius had had a fun time throwing things at the ivy, watching the items bounce all over the greenhouse until Professor Sprout shouted at them. Near the end of class Sirius had pushed James into the ivy and the entire class laughed as James bounced around until the ivy finally got him off of it. James had lay on the ground shrieking with laughter and wanting to do it again but Sprout took away points from both of them and practically shoved them out of the greenhouse.

"I've tried everything--"

"It's very resilient." He poked at a leaf, feeling its springiness as it forced his finger back. "It repels almost anything."

"I looked in the book your father gave me but couldn't find it."

Remus stood up, wiping his hands off. "You're gonna have to dig it all up."

Hope's face fell. "There are good plants underneath--" Then she just sighed. "Well, I suppose if there's nothing else."

They spent ages hacking at the ground, trying to avoid touching the ivy with the trowels because whenever they did the trowel would just bounce heavily off the plant and go flying. More than once they had to duck down to avoid being hit from a careless smack. One time Remus accidentally whacked the plant so hard the trowel flew clear over the garden wall and he had to climb over to get it while his mother laughed so hard tears came pouring out. He sat on the top of the wall, freezing up as he realized the wall was a bit higher than he thought. He didn't want to climb down, climb back up, climb down again!

He pulled his wand out, pointing at the trowel. "Accio trowel!" The trowel rolled over. Yeah, pretty much how he thought that would go. "Locomotor trowel!" He brought the trowel closer to the wall. "Wingardium leviosa." Now he floated it up, grabbing hold of it triumphantly. He climbed back down into the backyard.

"You're not supposed to use magic out of school," Hope said crossly, all traces of laughter long gone.

Remus frowned as his feet hit the ground. He had learned more about the no-underage-magic thing. Sirius had told them all that technically the Ministry didn't know when an underage person used magic, just if magic was used. If the household had multiple magical folk... "No one will know it was me and not da--"

Hope came closer, snatching the trowel from his hand. "That isn't the point! We _can't_ risk anything! If the Ministry comes..." Then she looked over her shoulder in fear, as if they'd Apparate right there and then. "Remus, you're _smarter_ than this!"

He felt hot at that, and a bit annoyed. "I didn't--" Now Hope grabbed his hand, pulling him inside. "Mum, I wasn't--"

"Lyall!"

Remus had to sit through a twenty minute long lecture about how they needed to follow every law to the _letter _considering the one they were breaking. Lyall went on about executions, and how he and Hope could go to Azkaban, and did Remus _want_ that?

Lyall paced around, running his fingers through his hair. "You're getting lax. That school is making you lax. I think you should reread the book."

"No! Dad--" But Lyall left the living room then returned with a slim tome which he shoved into Remus's hand. "I've practically got this memorized!" Remus argued, fingers trembling as they curled around the horrible, awful book.

"Obviously not enough. Go on, go and read. I'll help Hope in the garden."

Remus trudged upstairs, throwing himself onto his bed with angry mutters. _The Cure For Lycanthropy_. Remus ran his finger over the title then flicked open the cover. He read this book so many times... he didn't want to again... It was just lengthy essays about how to deal with werewolves. AKA, killing them. It had bloody tale after bloody tale about werewolves being killed. Executed with an ax, stabbed with a dagger... The stories were full of how wrong werewolves were... and that the only cure was indeed death.

His father made him read it often, whenever he thought his son needed a refresher course on the importance of being hidden which was absolutely ridiculous because Remus _knew_.

Remus slammed the book shut, getting up to stalk over to his window. It looked out in the garden. Lyall was using spells to dig the ivy up while Hope wrung her hands. Neither were talking. Once all the ivy had been dug up Lyall put it in a pile to burn. Remus began coughing when the smoke wafted up past his window, and both his parents looked up. He gave a small wave then returned to his bed, quickly opening the book up partway to pretend he had been reading in case they came up.

*

Remus had horrible nightmares that night. He always did after reading that book and even though he hadn't reread it, it still plagued him. He woke up screaming several times, each time Hope running to his bed to hold him and rub his back while she sang soothing songs. It felt like forever until morning came and he had to pull himself out of bed, exhausted. The full moon would be starting the next night. He already dreaded going down into that dark cellar...

He spent the day doing all his schoolwork and thinking about James who was celebrating his twelfth birthday. He had sent a letter and a present off with Arthur the night before and just hoped that James got it before he left to return to Hogwarts.

That night he had more nightmares, of that book, of what could happen to him. When dawn came, he was too tired to do much of anything. His parents knew what the four moon nights did to him, and Hope brought him breakfast, lunch, and an early supper before taking him down to the cellar.

Remus trembled a little as he went, flinching when he stepped into the darkness. He took off all his clothes, embarrassed by his body, embarrassed by the bit of hair that had started growing out of no where. At least his mother couldn't see him too well because of the darkness. He just wished she didn't stand there while he got naked. He could hand the clothes out to her...

"I'll see you in the morning," Hope said before closing the door.

Remus sank down onto the ground, hugging his knees, rocking back and forth a bit while he waited for the wolf to take him out of the darkness.

*

It looked like a bloodbath in the morning. Remus was too tired, too broken to move so he lay in the blood until the door opened and Hope inevitably screamed. How many times had she done that? He winced at the sound in his ears. Surely by now she should be used to seeing this...

Lyall wrapped him in towel and carried him to the bathroom. Remus's head lolled a bit and he wondered what was going to happen when he was older. Bigger. Heavier. Probably be drifted along with magic. Lyall set him in the tub and Hope began washing him off while Lyall went to clean out the cellar. Neither of them complained though Hope kept sniffling. Remus closed his eyes, too much in pain to sleep but enjoying the feeling of the warm water against his skin.

"You got an owl last night," she said and Remus's body froze up. "It left a letter addressed to you."

"Who's it from?"

"No name on the envelope except for yours," she said as she rubbed the soft cloth very gently around one of his wounds. "I don't know what kind of owl. I'm not very good at that." She sloshed some water over his leg, trying to be careful not to jostle him too much. "We didn't really talk about that Potter kid, did we?"

"I told you..." Remus closed his eyes again, debating whether or not to pretend to be asleep. "Not friends. I j--just help out with homework. I'm the top in almost every class. Of course my dorm-mates want my help." He tried to inject some of James's bragginess into his voice but it didn't really come out that way, it just sounded rather pathetic and whiny. "I thought if I was just the weird loner that avoids everyone they might take more notice of me so I try to be a _little_ social so they don't think something's wrong."

"I suppose that's true..." She drained the tub and then plugged the drain, letting the water raise again a few inches. "Just be careful."

"I am." _Don't you trust me_? He watched her profile as she began cleaning off his other leg. There were several grey strands mingled in her hair, and he noticed a few new lines on her face. He knew Muggles didn't have quite as long a life as magical folk did, and suddenly he felt sick knowing just how fragile she was--how mortal. Magical healing was a big part of the long life of wizards so Hope would probably live a lot longer than regular Muggles, however...

He sat up, water sloshing sending the blood swirling, and then hugged her tightly. "I love you, Mum."

Hope gave a startled gasp then wrapped her arms around him, not caring about the blood getting all over her. "I love you too, baby." She kissed the top of his head then eased him back down, smiling now as she did her best with his wounds.

*

The letter was from James, thanking Remus for the present. Remus decided not to write back. He didn't want anymore owls coming in making his parents suspicious. On the third night of the full moon another owl came for him, and his mother questioned him relentlessly about it to the point of him being worried she'd want to read it. As it was from Sirius, he definitely didn't want her seeing the name. She wouldn't recognize the Black name (probably) but if she mentioned it to his dad--if they found out someone from the house of Black wrote to him... he doubted it would end well. Luckily she didn't hover while he read it though she remained in the room, glaring at the letter as if it would burst open with silver shards or something.

"J--just a dorm-mate wanting advice on some homework," Remus lied, folding the paper up. "I won't write back."

"I don't like all of this," his mother said, voice rather clipped. "I know you're not _friends_. It's just this seems too close for comfort." Then she put her hand out for the letter. "Can I see?"

Remus began ripping the parchment up, letting the ribbons flutter into the small bin by his bed. "It's not close. It's nothing."

Hope approached him closer, giving him a kiss before leaving. Remus waited until he heard her downstairs and he painfully rolled onto his side, reaching down for the torn letter. He hadn't really read it, just pretended like he did. He carefully put the slips together to read the calligraphy writing.

_Remus_

_well Jimmys back at least now so the holidays are already better but it isn't fair I wont see you for another ETERNITY! that SUCKS! I mean I hope your holidays are going well but you should come back now to be with us. now. right now. Mine was so boring at first. Pete just keeps whining about homework & playing pranks wasnt as fun without james so at least were doing that now the night he came back we knocked over an entire pot of soup on the slytherin table it was fun. but its still kinda boring without you & you being all nerdy in the dorm. by the way you better be thinking up a group name YOU PROMISED! since nobody likes my suggestions. whats so wrong with Gryffin-dudes? Its cool! Its snazzy! Yeah? Or the Four Bs, like that would be good too except i called Pete Blyth yesterday and he threw some every flavor beans at me. rude. Oh since it was just us two and Jerk-Face and Struthers in the dorm for a bit Jerk-Face was been acting all big and bad and we might have gotten into a fight the other night oops. I have detention when school starts up again but so does he so its not all bad. Anyway i miss you & hope your holidays i already wrote that though sorry ha ha. But i hope you do have a good holiday and that you and your mother dont get sick at all. see you soon!_

_Sirius_

Remus smiled, rereading the letter a few times. He wanted so bad to write back but he didn't want letters coming in all the time. If he didn't write back they might get worried and send more letters, though. He didn't know what to do... He didn't want to say 'don't write back I'm very sick' because he was going to tell them that he and his mother were completely healthy the entire holiday. He supposed he could say he was sick and had been for a long time, was still sick--long after the full moon. Would that work? Which would be safer? No illness, or long illness?

_No illness_, he finally decided, carefully tucking the strips of paper in his bag so he could repair it when he got back to the school.

*

The day after the full moon was spent completely in bed--exhausted, miserable, aching. He only left his bed to go to the bathroom and even that took too much out of him. The following day was Easter, and Hope prepared a nice big feast for her husband and son. When he was younger he had hunted eggs in the garden but they stopped when he was eight, and Hope realized the reason he was so good at finding the eggs was because of his wolf abilities. It upset her, so they stopped. Remus kinda missed it. At least he still had an enormous chocolate egg full of candy which had been sitting on the table when he felt strong enough to come down--which hadn't been until afternoon.

He wondered what his friends were having at Hogwarts. He also wondered what Lily was having. He hoped her holidays were going well, that her sister wasn't being awful....

That night he sat down at his desk to write out a list of possible names for him, James, Sirius, and Peter. If he went back without anything he suspected Sirius would have an extra dramatic fit. But nothing he wrote down seemed right. He doubted the others would think it fun to have a pun on the Latin word for joke. Some of them just looked like names Sirius would think up. Soon the names just got convoluted and dumb so he gave up for the day, focusing instead on his many essays he wanted to rewrite.

He had trouble. He'd start a line then scratch it out, try again, scratch it out. The problem, he realized after some time, was that he missed Hogwarts. _What am I going to do this summer_? He went over to the window, looking out at the dark woods behind their house. _That's for even longer. _He didn't really like the fact he felt this way. Shouldn't he prefer to be at home? But he missed classes. He missed the library. He missed his friends.

He went to his bed, getting down on hands and knees so he could pull his bag out from underneath where he had put the letters from James and Sirius. He reread them, wondering what his mother would say if he asked to go back to Hogwarts a few days early. Of course, he couldn't. He wasn't like James. He didn't have access to the Floo network or however he got back... No, he'd have to wait till Saturday. _Only a few more days_, he thought, putting his letters back in the bag so his parents wouldn't find them. _Six days, and I'll be going back_.

He pushed his bag back under the bed then returned to his essays, spending more time sucking on the end of the quill than he did writing.


	66. Chapter Sixty-Five - Blood Discussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! Also if anyone wants to message me or contact me on tumblr my username there is also DovahTobi :)

Hope began her campaign of trying to convince Remus not to return to Hogwarts on Monday morning. In retrospect, he wasn't that surprised. She spoke about the dangers, his safety, his need to be hidden as she fixed him a hearty breakfast. In the afternoon she asked him wouldn't it be easier for him if he stayed?

Remus campaigned right back, talking excitedly of his classes, of his grades, of the upcoming end-of-year exams that he knew he'd mostly be top in (Defense and Potions being the exceptions). He spoke endlessly of Hogwarts' library, how incredible it was. "You should see it. It's _so_ big!" He spread his arms out, ignoring the frown on his mother's face. "I know I'll never even have a _sliver_ of that amount of books but it gives me inspiration."

At supper his mother worked hard on the guilt tripping, talking about how lonely she was when Lyall went to work, how she missed the sound of Remus running around the house, she missed seeing his face every day. It almost worked. Almost. Except his love of school was too strong. He felt _bad_, of course. He wished he could be there for his mother. He understood her misery... he just wished she understood his need to have his education.

"Hey, what would you call a group of kids that like to play pranks?" he asked after Hope set dessert on the table.

"Misfits," Lyall said.

"Hooligans," Hope sniffled.

Remus poked his fork into the piece of pie. _Cooligans_, he thought, trying to suppress laughter. That was a Sirius name if he ever heard one. _Mischief Misfits could work_. Except that didn't sound right either. Personally he wanted to use Fellowship Of The something but couldn't think of anything that fit, nor did he think they'd appreciate (or understand) the reference. _James and Sirius would make a good Merry and Pippin_, Remus mused, _though Sirius would probably fit the elves better with his noble beauty_. He wondered where he and Peter would fit. Peter's appearance was rather hobbit-esque. Remus would probably be an uruk-hai except they were big and Remus was small but he was a monster so... probably the closest.

When Remus returned to his room he flopped on his bed and picked up his stuffed dog. "What do you think, Gwyllgi?" He held the dog above him, wishing he was Gryffindor enough to take the toy with him back to school to have at night except he knew he'd never be able to endure the teasing. "I doubt they'll like Mischief Misfits but it's not too terrible, is it?" He brought Gwyllgi back down, hugging it tightly.

Then a sound distracted him. A tapping at his window. That old sickly dread filled his body and he wished he knew why he felt this way about his bedroom window at night. Still clutching Gwyllgi, he got out of bed, slowly creeping over. The tapping had to be an owl. It wasn't Sirius's owl, that owl was vicious and stabbed at his window like he had a personal vendetta against it. "Oh, hullo Cocoa." He opened the window up, smiling at Peter's tiny brown owl. Coca trembled at him then detached the letter from his leg, dropping it at Remus's feet, then flew out into the night.

_Dear Remus 2/4/72_

_Happy Easter! I hope your holiday is going fun. Mum and Dad sent me loads of_

Here the word 'choclit' was crossed out and replaced with chocolate. Remus couldn't help but laugh.

_loads of chocolate and candy. But James got loads more. You shuld see the pile on his desk! Exsept the way he and Sirius are going they are going to eat it all before you even come back. There probibly going to be in the hospitul wing when you do. They say I'm bad with candy but at leest when I eat it I dont get it all over my face and melted into my covers. well may be I do get it all over my face. but not as bad as they did this morning! any way I cant wait for you to get back_

Then the handwriting changed. Sirius's calligraphy took over.

_HEY REMUS! Pete is sending you a letter so i thought id add some cause i dont think you wrote back to me??? or did Filibuster leave without waiting for you to send something? is arthur on his way with a letter? if the easter holidays suck this bad i dont even wanna think about the summer hols those are gonna be CRAP!_

Then James's handwriting came into play.

_It's not going to be crap if you all would just COME VISIT ME!!! I'm trying to convince Sirius to talk about visiting and Remus you should too! I don't CARE if you have to cancel last minute I mean we'd all understand! I'd rather have the possibility possability posi chance of seeing you. i mean we know you get sick so if you do its not like we'll be all MERLIN'S BREAD BEARD YOU TRATOR REMUS!!!!!_

Then it went back to Sirius

_Merlin's Bread is the new thing. Sirius Black declares it so._

Finally Peter again.

_there fiting now over merlins bread ha Im definitly going to be saying that now you should to just to make james mad he doesnt like it. but its great! anyway see you soon! Peter_

Then James signed it too with a simple 'James' and then Sirius finished it off with _MERLIN'S FRESHLY BAKED BREAD!!!!_ with a well drawn picture of a loaf of bread wearing a wizard's hat.

Remus was stifling his laughter as best he could, jamming his face down against his pillow. Once he finally managed to calm down he went over to his desk. It seemed they were going to be sending letters regardless of whether or not Remus sent any back. Not writing back probably would make them wonder.

_Dear James, Peter, and Sirius 3/4/72_

_Thank you for the well wishes and Easter greetings! Happy Easter back to all of you. I hope you're having a terrific time at Hogwarts. How much trouble are you causing? How much detention have you gotten? My holidays are going pretty simple. There's not much to do out here however my mother's been going wild in the garden so I've been helping her out. Most nights I'm completely worn out. I've been a little too tired to write back till now, however the good news is neither of us has been sick at all! My dad worries about us hacking away at plants in the garden but I think the fresh air is doing us both good. Albeit tiring us out._

_I got a lovely chocolate egg for Easter. I've eaten more of it than I should have at this point but I don't particularly care. It's there to be eaten! That's what chocolate is for! However none of it has melted into my covers (I'm quite curious as to what happened there, James! Did you sit on it or something?)._

_Don't worry about writing back. I'm really tired and I'll see you Saturday._

_Remus_

_P.S. Please don't neglect your homework assignments!_

He attached the letter to Arthur's leg. "When you get to Hogwarts you can just stay there," he said, stroking Arthur's head. "Rest up." Arthur nibbled at his finger before taking off.

*

Four more days of boredom. Remus redid the essays multiple times then spent the hours reading books and staring out the window at the rain. He wished the magical world had things like telephones. He'd love to _hear_ his friends, for just a few moments. _Lily would have one_, he realized, sitting up a bit straighter. _Maybe I can call her this summer_. Except she'd want to call him and that would be trouble. He slumped back down, sighing.

"Something wrong?" Lyall asked, rattling his newspaper.

"No. Just bored."

"Why don't you read?"

Remus looked down at his book. He didn't want to read he wanted to do something like--play a prank or run around. "I want to go outside."

"S'raining."

"I can't get sick." Lyall lowered the newspaper, a deep frown on his face that sent a wave of guilt through Remus. "Well. I can't," he mumbled, wishing he hadn't brought his lycanthropic abilities up. It always upset them. Lyall shook the papers again, bringing it up over his face. Remus tilted his head, reading the print in one of the corners. Something about blood and laws. "What's that about? The blood thing?"

Lyall closed the paper to see what he meant. "Oh, I don't know. Some no one trying to push the pureblood agenda. Like they don't have enough rights." Lyall rolled his eyes and went back to reading.

"Oh." Remus pulled his legs up, setting his chin on his knees, looking back out the window. He didn't like blood purity discussions, they always made him feel itchy. And scared. He stretched out one arm, rubbing his hand along the inside, thinking about his tainted blood. "Do you think it will ever change?"

"What? Purebloods?"

"No. Yes. I mean." He looked at the veins in his arm, his wolf blood pumping through his body. "How they see us." His voice was barely audible. He wanted to be comforted, to be told it would all be okay.

Lyall lowered his paper even more, setting it in his lap. "No," he said, causing Remus to wince. "Not until there's a cure."

"Do you think there will be?"

"A cure? Of course. There has to be. You'll be cured one day." His voice sounded determined and a little vindictive. "That's what we've got to hope for."

"What if there's never a cure? What if I have to be like this forever? What if--"

"Don't say that," Lyall snapped, returning to his paper. "That's stupid. There will be."

Remus pressed his forehead against the glass, watching the rain again, fighting back the tears.

*

Finally it was time to go. Remus had everything packed Friday night, and on Saturday morning he woke up more excited than he thought he ought to be. He said farewell to his father at the house then spent the trip to London trying not to show his mother how happy he was. She sniffled a lot at the station and gave him several hugs and kisses, making him promise to write, be careful, be safe. Pretty much repeating herself. He promised he would then hurried onto the train before Lily came. He had been worried she'd approach him when he was still with his mother but she didn't seem to be around yet.

Remus easily found a compartment and got settled, only then allowing a huge grin to spread on his face. He waited rather impatiently, one foot jiggling. He hoped Lily would come find him. Maybe he should go seek her out? Perhaps she was waiting in a compartment too. The train was about to leave...

He waited until the train left then grabbed his satchel, going down the train until he caught her scent. He followed it, ignoring the voice in the back of his head _You're tracking her, like a beast. _He reached the compartment he thought she might be in and cautiously knocked. The door slid open, a bright green eye peering out.

"Remus!" Lily pushed the door open then hugged him tightly.

Remus hugged her back. "Lily! It's so good to--to see you!"

She pulled him inside, shutting the door behind him. "Are you all right? Did something happen?"

Remus fell onto one of the seats. "N-no? I mean, y--yes. I mean. I'm all right, But nothing ha--happened. What makes you th--think that?"

She sat across from him, pulling her feet up underneath her. She looked like some sort of spring goddess wearing a light green dress with flower print, and a light green ribbon holding her ponytail. "You're stammering."

"Er, I g--guess it's f--from being around n--no one but my parents for so long," he muttered, not sure if it was that or all the small incidents over the holiday--the book, James calling him his friend in front of his mum, etc, etc. "So how was your ho-holiday?"

Lily began talking about the time spent with her family. She spoke cheerfully about her parents, about an Easter egg hunt her town had that she participated in (but didn't do too well on purpose, for the younger kids). She talked about food, homework, and pretty much everything except her sister, so Remus didn't bring that subject up. Then she asked about his holidays and he told her it had gone well and that he and his mum hadn't been sick at all.

When he said this, Lily raised her eyebrows. "Really?" she asked.

"Y--yeah?" Why did she seem so surprised? "It was really nice."

"I'm glad," she said, smiling though there was still some confusion in her eyes as if she didn't fully believe him. He shifted uncomfortably, wanting to ask her what was so shocking except he didn't want to draw attention to--to that subject. "Did you do anything fun?"

"Not really, mostly just helped my mum in--in the garden. Read a lot. Homework. I need to redo all my essays though once I get to the library."

"Oh, _same_!" She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder and moved her legs, stretching them out across the seat. "I think I did well enough except I just want to, you know, make sure everything is in tip-top shape."

"D'you want to...?" He motioned towards his bag and Lily grabbed for hers. The two of them pulled out their essays and books, comparing everything, making scribbled notes in the margins, crossing things out, writing more. They spent most the trip back doing this, and agreed to meet in the library the next day after breakfast.

"I'm so nervous for the final exams," Lily said once the train started slowing down.

"Me too," Remus confessed. "I'm going to study so hard for the rest of the school year."

Lily reached over and gave his hand a squeeze. "You're absolutely brilliant, you'll pass everything with flying colors. Except Potions."

"Oh _thanks_!" Remus said, rolling his eyes in an exaggerated way then smiling to show it hadn't bothered him at all. Lily giggled. "You'll do wonderful though, you're so smart."

"Thank you." She bit her bottom lip, looking out the window as they came to a complete halt. "I know a lot of people don't think I can."

"What do you mean?" Remus got up, grabbing his stuff.

"Being Muggleborn."

"Oh." He pulled his bag over his shoulder. Sometimes he forgot that about her. He thought saying so would possibly be rude, so he remained silent. _If people knew what I was, they wouldn't think I could do it either_, he wanted to say. He knew most people viewed werewolves as just dumb beasts (like Dedenne seemed to). If they weren't horrified and disgusted at the thought of a werewolf being at the school, he knew people would think it a big joke. "It doesn't matter if you are or not," he finally said. "You're the smartest in our year."

"No, that's you." They left the compartment, heading off the train. Together they crossed the platform, following the prefects guiding students to the carriages which were hooked up to _those things_ Remus did his best to ignore. He and Lily climbed into a carriage, shutting the door so no one else could join. Once alone again, Lily said, "Can I ask you something personal?"

"Er, s--sure?"

"Did--the Sorting Hat mention any other houses for you?" she asked as the carriage began rolling towards the school, that _thing_ clipclopping along.

Remus thought back to his Sorting and how he felt afterward, especially when Spinnet said it was a pity Sorting. "Yes. Ravenclaw. Did it...?"

"Sort of. It just said I was a Gryffindor." She toyed with the end of her ponytail, clearly anxious. "I... argued."

"You did?"

"I wanted to be in Slytherin, with Severus."

"Oh."

"Yeah. The Hat practically laughed at me, told me I'd never survive there. I guess it was probably right. It said if I wasn't a Gryffindor--which I was--then I'd be in Hufflepuff but Gryffindor was where I belonged."

"Your Sorting didn't take that long, though." He remembered her sitting on the stool for like, five seconds maybe.

"It went quick," she said. "Sometimes I don't feel Gryffindor enough though. I know a lot of Muggleborns go to Hufflepuff..."

"That's not why the Hat suggested it," Remus said quickly. "You're loyal. Very loyal. You're hardworking, too, and really kind. Those are all Hufflepuff traits. It wasn't cause you're Muggleborn."

Lily leaned against him. "Thank you. I just--I saw some stuff in the _Daily Prophet_ over the holidays and it's been bugging me."

"That article about purebloods?" he inquired, and she nodded. "I didn't read it, just saw the headline. It's rubbish. Purebloods are twats."

"Aren't Potter and Black both pureblood?"

"Yeah? And they're twats." That gained some of her bubbling laughter that filled him with warmth. "Really, though, I don't think James cares about Muggleborns like that, and neither does Sirius." He could still picture the anguish on Sirius's face when he confessed to using the 'm' term without realizing what it truly meant.

"Just Slytherins?" she asked rather sneakily.

Remus pressed his lips thin. "Most Slytherins. Not all. Snape's your friend."

"He's not pureblood."

"He's not?" Remus was rather shocked at that.

Suddenly Lily looked upset. "P--please don't say that to anyone! He told me in confidence... though I doubt it's a big secret in Slytherin since they all seem to know whom begot whom."

"I won't say a word," he promised. _Snape's not a pureblood_?_ I guess that explains his willingness to be around a Muggleborn then_. "Slytherins--well, I think most purebloods are really good at telling who's from what family."

"Your mother's Muggle, right?"

"Yeah... The Lupin name is pretty old, though. But we've intermingled with Muggleborns and Muggles so even if Dad married a pureblood, I doubt most families would consider their offspring very pure." Lily leaned against him again, making him uncomfortable. He liked the feeling of her sitting so close, of her arm against his, but at the same time... "I dunno, I don't know much about that stuff. I wasn't really exposed to much of that growing up."

"It seems silly..." Her voice was very soft, very low.

"It is," he said, and Lily jerked a little, startled he had heard her. "Magic's magic. Blood shouldn't matter." He looked down at his hands, thinking again of the wolf blood. The difference, the great chasm between him and other wizarding folk. Between him and Lily.

His hand was upturned on his leg then before he knew it Lily reached down, clasping her hand with his. She was holding his hand. Remus swallowed, eyes darting upwards but she was looking out the window and seemed so sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

_You're lying_. Instead he closed his fingers, tightening the hold on her hand. Lily slid closer and rested her head on his shoulder. After a moment a few tears dropped down onto his arm. "Lily..."

"I'm fine." She sat upright as the carriage shuddered to a halt. She rubbed her eyes off on her sleeve then let go of his hand. "It's fine!" she said with a rather fake laugh, seeing the concern on his face. "Come on, I'm _starving_!"

_You can talk to me_... He slithered out of the carriage behind her, following her quick footsteps up the steps into the castle, passing by the prefects standing guard to make sure everyone got in safely. Once in the Great Hall Lily gave Remus's arm a squeeze, saying she'd see him later, then she took off towards Colgate and Inkwood.

Farther down the table Remus saw James and Peter waving their hands wildly. Sirius climbed up onto the seat, cupping his hands round his mouth to mortify Remus by shouting, "OI! REMUS! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!"

"MR. BLACK!" McGonagall snapped from where she was watching students come into the Great Hall. "Watch your language!"

"SORRY PROFESSOR!"

Remus grinned, pulling his backpack up a bit higher as he hurried over to his friends.


	67. Chapter Sixty-Six - Tartan Knickers

James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus stayed up pretty late that night, sitting on James's bed with the curtains closed to muffle some of their chattering, sharing candy while they told stories about the holidays. James talked at great length about his _fabulous_ birthday as well as all his presents. Then the three of them told Remus about the shenanigans they got into while he was gone. Remus just reiterated his story of working loads in the garden and not being sick at all. They were all very happy for him. The main thing, however, was the name.

"So? Did you think of something?" Sirius asked, elbowing Remus.

"Sorta." He opened a bag of candyfloss, pinching a bit off. "Maybe the Mischief Misfits?" He knew immediately they didn't like it; of course, he didn't either.

"Well..." James pulled his glasses off, cleaning the lenses with a corner of his pajama top. "It's better than any of Siri's suggestions."

"Hey!" Sirius whined, while Pete and Remus laughed. "Mine are _not_ that bad. You are all just--just--peasants." They were laughing harder now, James doubled over, clutching his sides. Sirius folded his arms. All four of them heard Spinnet's muffled voice telling them to shut up. Sirius yanked back James's curtains. "Stuff it, Spinnet!" he snarled before shutting the curtains again.

"What if we use something with our initials?" Peter suggested hesitantly, wanting to join in.

"What, J, S, R, P?" James asked. "Jsrp?"

"Jrps," Sirius snickered and Peter's face fell a little.

"It's a good idea though," Remus said, coming to Peter's rescue. "A lot of things do that. Or use the first two letters..." He squinted, trying to figure out something that didn't sound too stupid. "Japeresi?"

Nobody spoke for a few seconds then Sirius said, "Sounds like an ailment."

"Better than Gryffin-dudes," James said then yelped as Sirius kicked him.

"Anything's better than that," Pete mumbled and got a kick as well.

"You're all being mean!" Sirius whined.

"The Japeresi Conspiracy!" Peter suddenly exclaimed.

"Oooh good one!" James said, and Pete now glowed.

Sirius frowned. "I don't like it. You know, I like one word for us." He spread his hands out slowly as his spoke, as if picturing it in the air. "Something... smooth. Mysterious. Cool."

James snorted. "Quartet of Coolness isn't one word, smooth, mysterious, or cool." That earned him another kick except this time he was laughing while he received it.

"Is today just Bully Sirius Black day or something?" Sirius complained hotly, glaring at James and Peter. "You're all being mean. Except for Remus. He's my only friend."

Remus glanced up, meeting that silvery gaze. He gave a sweet smile and said, "Quartet of Coolness sucks."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Traitor!" He fell back, clutching his chest. "I have no friends at all! I have been betrayed!" He rolled out of the bed, landing on the floor with a loud thud. "You're all horrible!"

"I could have told you that," Spinnet said. "Course you're the worse."

Sirius lay still on the ground then sat up, hair somehow settling down around his ears instead of sticking out everywhere which Remus thought very unfair. He had never seen Sirius's hair look less than perfect. He never saw Sirius in general looking less than perfect. Really unfair. "Back-bunched toad," Sirius sniffled out. Remus choked, diving down into the blanket to try and hide his laughter. Spinnet groaned and then went to his own bed, jerking the curtains shut. Triumphantly, Sirius returned to James's bed.

Remus lifted his head and knew his hair was sticking everywhere from static. "It's bunch-backed."

Sirius grinned. "Same thing."

*

Remus wound up rewriting most his essays. He considered leaving his Defense essay since he _knew_ it didn't matter, however part of him felt physically sick at the thought so he spent loads of time researching and rewriting. _Hopefully next year we'll have a new teacher_, he thought as he rubbed his eyes once he put the last word onto the parchment. The school had a new Defense teacher every year for a few years so... surely...? Then again it'd be his luck that Dedenne stayed for the entire seven years and he got Ps and Ds for the entirety of his academic career. Which sucked because he really liked the subject matter. He _loved_ learning ways to defend, to attack (not that he needed that)--plus all the dark creatures. He _really_ had an interest in learning about them. If he had a decent teacher he thought that'd be his favorite class.

_Even if Dedenne leaves anyone else who comes will probably hate me too so_... He couldn't imagine anyone in the Defense Against the Dark Arts world that would tolerate a werewolf.

When noon hit Lily got up to go get some lunch, trying to convince Remus to come with her but he stayed behind, preferring to work on his homework. When she returned forty minutes later she snuck a couple sandwiches in for him.

_If we're spending thi--no, if I'M spending this much time studying right now, what's it going to be like when I take electives_? he wondered as he broke off a corner of a sandwich to nibble on. According to _Hogwarts, a History_ third years could take extra classes. He didn't know a lot about them (figuring he'd just do research when the time to pick them came closer) but the thought of _more_ classes and _more_ homework both excited and scared him.

The second part of the afternoon as well as most the evening was spent helping his male friends with their homework, correcting a few parts, giving suggestions, fixing a few things... Finally he collapsed into his bed rather late, exhausted from all the eyestrain throughout the day.

*

Monday marked eight weeks before final exams and the mood at study group reflected that. The first fifteen minutes were spent discussion possible schedules (as well as light arguing, mostly from Craft). After group when Remus got back to his dorm he spread parchment out around him on the floor and began making another schedule for his free time.

"Whatcha doing?" Sirius asked.

"Making studying schedules," Remus muttered, bent down low over one bit of parchment. "You could do with one as well. I'd be happy to make one for you."

"Sure, please add 'locked in a room with Binns after being forced to take a wideye potion' onto that too," he replied.

Remus glared up at him. "You could do with some studying, you know. Your grades aren't that great."

"I'll be fine. Practical is more important and I'm pretty good at that."

Now Remus frowned, returning to the parchment. It was true. Sirius had a knack for getting spells pretty quickly... however, only after spectacular failures (usually involving setting things on fire which made them all nervous when they were trying out new prank spells). "Peter?"

"Um, m--maybe, I--I don't know."

"You--studied before the other exams..."

Pete looked down at the comic book in his lap. "Yes but... that was _right_ before. The exams are two months away! I'll forget everything by then."

"All right then, fine."

Sirius snorted. "You're not after Jimmy to study."

He pressed his lips thin, not looking back up. "That's because somehow he gets good grades without studying."

James, who was laying halfway off his bed upside down, grinned. "I'm just naturally smart I guAAARGH!!" he cried out as he slid off the bed and crashed into his desk, causing the other three to laugh. "Ow that _hurt_!" He sat up, rubbing his head sullenly.

"Your head's too big," Sirius said, standing over his friend. "That's what dragged you down."

"Shove off," James grumbled. "So... if you're gonna be studying all the time does that mean you won't have time for us?"

The scribbles on the paper took up almost every moment of free time he had in the next two months, and he hadn't even thought about that. "Of course I'll have time for you," he said, casually pulling a new piece of parchment over to make a new schedule.

"You better," Sirius warned. "Or else. I mean, some studying is okay but all of this? It's probably bad for you."

Remus tapped the quill against his chin in thought. "If you were on the Quidditch team, you'd be practicing multiple times a week, would you not? For ages before a match?

"Of _course_ we would!" James said, looking quite put out at the very thought of slacking with Quidditch.

"Yeah, naturally," Sirius said when Remus turned his gaze to him.

"If I played, yeah!" Peter said knowing perfectly well he'd never be on a Quidditch team in his life, but he wanted to be part of the conversation.

"Then why don't you study? It's like practice, but for exams!"

Pete made a face while Sirius and James stared at Remus a moment. "No," Sirius finally said, holding up a finger. "It's boring. It's like boredom, but for--er, boring...ness. Yeah."

Remus sighed. Well, at least he tried.

*

As Remus's grades came back they were about what he expected. Top notch in most classes, mediocre in Potions, poor in Defense. He wrote to his parents about all the good ones, briefly mentioned Potions, and didn't even bring up Defense.

_The final ones are going to be worse_, he wrote at the end of the letter. _I'm super nervous about those. I want to do my absolute best. I know most of society believes us to be dumb slobbering beasts and I want the grades to prove otherwise even if nobody else will ever know_.

He also spent some of his spare time that first week back visiting all his ghost friends. Myrtle seemed rather surprised to see him, informing him she hadn't expected him to ever visit again. He said of course he liked visiting her, though as the final exams drew near he'd have less time however he promised to visit when he could.

Tuesday at Occlumency Fawley obviously had a purpose. She asked him if she could look at specific memories: the entire Easter holidays. He agreed, not really getting understanding why at first. As she methodically went through his days home, he thought perhaps she was showing him that the legilimens could pick and choose which memory they looked at. Then he realized with a shock of absolute hurt that she was trying to see if his father had smacked him again. He pointed out she could have just asked him, and she told him she doubted he would have told the truth. For the first time, he asked for the lesson to end early. He was too injured. Fawley looked distressed but allowed the lesson to end--not that they even really had one.

*

Thursday night he was up late doing some extra studying when he heard the familiar sounds of James and Sirius preparing to sneak off. Usually Remus ignored them but tonight he pushed aside his curtains, sliding out of bed.

"Want me to keep watch at the portrait again?" he asked.

James jumped about fifty feet while Sirius jerked back, nearly crashing into his bed. "Merlin, Remy, you _scared_ us!" Sirius hissed out.

"Sorry..."

"Yes, please, if you don't mind," James said, adjusting his glasses.

He put his slippers on then followed them down into the common room, hauling a text book with him to study while he waited. James and Sirius left the tower and Remus settled in by the entrance, James's watch on his wrist again. There wasn't much light in this area so he had his wand lit up. He'd prefer to be by the fire however he figured it'd be easier to check every ten minutes if he didn't have to troop across the whole common room.

Shortly after his second check he was just returning to finding his place in the book when he heard footsteps. Coming from the stairs, not outside. "Nox," he whispered, pulling himself as far into the armchair as possible. If whoever it was was sneaking out they'd pass him and see him, but thankfully the two students went towards the fire. _Probably gonna snog or something_, he thought until they began talking. Two girls, neither voice he recognized. One of the girls sounded really upset about something. The other girl was trying to comfort her.

"I'm sure your mother's going to be fine," said the calmer girl.

"G-g-g-grandma says sh--she might not w--wake up!" He heard one of them begin pacing. The sound of parchment being crinkled. "I need to--to go. I need to tell Professor McGonagall. I need to go to Saint Mungo's."

Then more footsteps, and a third girl. "What's going on? Was that an owl in our dorm?"

"Oh, hullo Jorkins. Yeah, Susan's mother isn't doing well. That's all." That was the calmer girl, sounding quite protective.

"What happened? It must be bad, to get an owl this late."

"Nothing," snapped Susan then her voice broke off into great sobs. "She was--attacked--"

Someone gasped. Remus figured it was the third girl, Jorkins. "Attacked? Why? What happened?"

"Nothing," snarled the nameless girl. "Go back to bed, it isn't any of your business."

"But what happened? Isn't your mother an auror? Was it a dark wizard?"

"Go back to bed!"

"F--fine. I'm just trying to help." Jorkins gave a loud sniffle then Remus heard retreating footsteps back up the steps.

"Oh, sweetie, you'll be okay," the nameless girl whispered. Susan just sobbed. "It's fine. Saint Mungo's will fix her right up."

"I hope Da---Dad's okay... He's Muggle, he doesn't understand this stuff. He barely understands her job... G--Grandma said in the letter it's all his fault, because--because Mum married him but--I don't--I can't--"

"I'm sure he's okay too. Come on, let's go to McGonagall and she'll get you to your mum right away."

Remus felt a surge of panic. Both for himself and for his friends, if they were on their way back or even right outside the common room... But there was no way of warning them. He left the text book on the armchair and moved as silently as he could, slithering off the armchair and pushing himself underneath. It was a tight fit and it _hurt_ but he'd be fine. Within seconds he saw two sets of slippered feet go past. The common room entrance opened up and Remus tilted his head, trying to hear if anyone was outside but the girls left and the portrait swung back shut without anything, so he figures James and Sirius were fine for now.

Remus waited another ten minutes before cautiously opening the portrait. Still no sign of them. It had only been a little over half an hour so he figured they were still marauding about but he hoped they didn't run into Susan and her friend, or McGonagall if she was taking Susan somewhere else in the castle to leave. He was half tempted to go out and track them down to bring them back (he knew he'd be able to avoid any staff on the prowl) but figured it'd be safer to just wait.

After about twenty more minutes the portrait swung open. A Scottish voice drifted through and he dove under the chair again, banging his chin against the floor causing his teeth to bite down on his tongue. Tears sprang up as he forced himself not to swear loudly. McGonagall was talking to the nameless girl as she returned to the tower, assuring her she'd let her know anything else about Susan's family when she found out. Nameless girl thanked her multiple times before shuffling back to the girls' dorms. Remus waited until he couldn't hear anyone then gave a tiny cry, swallowing the blood that had been welling up in his mouth.

It wasn't until about three-thirty in the morning when James and Sirius showed up again. Remus pushed open the empty portrait and the two scrambled in, pink-cheeked and excited from whatever adventure they had gone on.

"Thanks, little buddy!" James said as the portrait swung back shut.

Sirius tousled Remus's hair. "You're awesome."

"No problem," Remus whispered as they headed back to the stairs.

"Next time you should come with us. It was bloody brilliant! We were almost caught! McGonsie was out and about for some reason!" James said, hopping a little as he went. Remus considered telling them why but figured he shouldn't give away someone else's private grief. He felt guilty enough overhearing what he did.

"Head to foot in tartan," snickered Sirius. "Robe, slippers, flash of a nightie's hem, cap. Probably has tartan knickers."

"Ewwww don't talk about the teacher's knickers!" James complained while Remus focused super hard trying not to let that image run through his head. _UGH!_

"We should steal them."

"SIRIUS!" James shrieked and Sirius clapped a hand over James's mouth. James's eyes went huge, realizing how loud he had been. They were on the stairs, the nearest dorm being the fifth years. Remus listened carefully, glad that he didn't hear any sounds from behind the door. They were all sound asleep.

After a moment they began creeping up the spiral steps once more. "Steal her knickers and hang them on the Gryffindor flagpole out front," Sirius whispered, and James giggled.

"I don't think--" Remus started then stopped himself. He didn't want them harassing McGonagall. He liked her. She was so caring towards him, willing to listen, and didn't seem to care about him being a werewolf. If he just told them not to bother her of course they'd still do so. He had to deflect them. "We should take Sluggy's pants and hang them on the Slytherin pole."

"Ewwwww Sluggy undies!" James said then bent over, covering his own mouth to stop from laughing.

"Or Dedenne," Remus said suddenly.

"Cause she doesn't like you?" Sirius asked, far too astute.

Remus pressed his lips thin. "Perhaps," he replied coolly.

Sirius grinned, rubbing his hands together. "Nah, that's perfect. We'll steal Dedenne's knickers and put'em up one of the poles. That's what she gets for whatever weird objection she has against you."

He knew it was probably bad he was clamboring for revenge against a _teacher. _Except Dedenne just--if she weren't so _awful_ he wouldn't have suggested her! _It's not a bad thing she hates me_, he thought anxiously. _She should hate me, everyone hates me that knows, except maybe McGonagall_... but then he thought back to Slughorn questioning him about his sense of smell, and his lies as to why Remus got an invitation to the Slug Club Christmas party. _I don't think he _likes_ me... I don't know what all that was about... I wish I did know..._ At least Slughorn hadn't brought it up again.

They arrived at their dorm door and just went through without worrying too much about anyone seeing them. They could easily say they were in the bathroom.

"Next time maybe you should take Pete with you," said Remus as he kicked his slippers off.

James shook his head. "He'd _completely_ get us caught!"

"Still, you should invite him. It'd be nice."

"Only if you come too," Sirius said rather fiercely. "If you come, we'll bring Peter too."

Remus slid his robe off, not liking that ultimatum. Did he feel bad enough for Peter to want to throw such a Huge Rule into Dumbledore's face? He... wasn't so sure. "Perhaps," he finally said. "G'nite."

It wasn't until he was nearly asleep that he remembered leaving his book down on the chair. Whoops. Hopefully it'd still be there in the morning, as it was Charms which was their first class of the day which was in about five hours. Urf.


	68. Chapter Sixty-Seven - The Panty Plot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys so I guess I somehow didn't realize AO3 doesn't have private messaging as far as I can tell (I am very new to this site, I only joined to start publishing this fanfic) so if you have any questions about the story you wish to ask privately you can contact me at dovahtobi@gmail.com :)

Peter seemed quite suspicious at the fact James, Sirius, and Remus were all _very_ exhausted Friday morning. James spread marmalade on his eggs while Sirius poured orange juice over his cereal. Remus just fell asleep on his plate shortly after, sleeping all through breakfast until Sirius shook him awake. Remus jerked upwards, grabbing his bag and hurrying along to class, forgetting entirely he _still_ didn't have his Charms text book.

"Mr. Lupin," Flitwick said the second he stepped into the classroom. "Five points from Gryffindor for such a--a--a disarray!"

Remus glanced down at himself. His tie was extremely crooked but worse than that... the shirt peeking out under the jumper was striped. His pajama top! He had come to class WEARING HIS PAJAMA TOP?! "S--sorry." Remus crept to a desk, ignoring some of the others whispering 'Loopy', hoping Flitwick used partners today so he could use someone else's book.

Sirius plopped down next to him. "You've got jam all over your face."

"What?! Remus swiped at his cheeks, bright red jam smearing all over his sleeve. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!" He rubbed furiously, trying to get rid of all the stuff on his face, having a feeling there were still stains there plus now his robes sleeve looked awful. "How come you look fine?" he demanded crossly.

Sirius tossed his hair back. "I suppose it's a Black's instinct to look flawless. Could do it in my sleep. You don't go down to breakfast at my house looking less than perfect unless you want--" He stopped then a shaky smile appeared on his lips as he quickly changed whatever he was going to say. "Your hair's a mess too. Did you even brush it?"

He began hastily trying to smooth down his hair, furious at himself now, face hot. Across the room Lily was staring at him with amused eyes. "You don't use your book in class, do you? Can I borrow it? I forgot mine."

"Wow! Remus Lupin forgetting a school book. Red letter day!" He pulled his Charms text out, sliding it over. "Don't you keep it in your bag?"

"I _left_ it in the _common_ room last night." Remus opened the book, horrified to see doodles all over the margins and even among the text. Sirius had turned an illustration of proper wand grips into something extremely dirty. "Oh--Merlin--really, Sirius?!"

Sirius just giggled. "What were you doing in the common room last night?" he teased and Remus elbowed him without even thinking about it, only later realizing how he was beginning to get more comfortable with physical contact.

"Shhh, Flitwick's about to start."

He struggled to stay awake during class then as soon as Flitwick dismissed everyone Remus handed Sirius's book back and rushed to the nearest bathroom. He did had red stains on his face. He quickly scrubbed them off as best he could then fiddled with some color changing spells trying to make his pajama top appear white. Maybe he wouldn't get into any more trouble. The best he could manage was a sort of grey with--in the right light--a faint bluish stripe. Oh well. Their next class was Herbology. You didn't need to be neat and in order for Herbology.

*

"You guys were up to something last night." Lily fell into Remus's pace as they left the greenhouses heading back to the castle. "Black and Potter could hardly stay awake during breakfast. You couldn't at all."

"I was up... studying..." Remus looked over his shoulder at his male friends following at a distance. James and Sirius kept crashing into each other, practically knocking one another over. They had gotten their energy back.

"Them? Studying?" Lily scoffed.

He smiled. "No. Me. Not them. They were... playing games." Not an entire lie. Just the game they were playing was exploring the school. "Um, I'm g--going to go change my shirt. I'll be back for some lunch quick." He jogged off, trying to go as fast as he could to the Gryffindor tower without getting caught running in the halls. He slowed down whenever he heard anyone nearby but otherwise ran (a few portraits shouted at him to slow down however he ignored them).

By the time he changed, washed his face again, and got back down to the Great Hall he didn't have too much time to eat and wound up scarfing some food down before heading to Defense. James and Sirius were discussing their plans of stealing Dedenne's underwear, filling Peter into the plot. Peter looked a little grossed out at the idea of Teacher Panties but was otherwise on board. The first order of business: figuring out where Dedenne's rooms were. Which meant probably stalking her.

Remus felt twisty during the entirety of class. Sirius intended to do the stalking which James and Peter agreed to. But Remus knew he'd be better at it. That's literally what he was built for, stalking prey--_not prey, stop using that word!_ he commanded himself, feeling sicker. Except he couldn't say, hey let me do this because my sense of hearing is best so I could avoid anyone seeing me and my sense of smell is best so I could literally track her down. Ugh. He'd have to leave it to Sirius and hope that he didn't get caught.

"So why the sudden plan to do this?" Peter asked after class.

"Shh, not so close to her classroom!" James complained.

Peter clapped his hand over his mouth. "Sorry," he mumbled, quite muffled. Once they were a couple floors away, Peter repeated his question. Sirius informed him that it was revenge for how she treated Remus. Pete looked at Remus then nodded solemnly. "She deserves it."

Remus tried not to smile. Sure, he knew a large part of this echoed back to what McGonagall told him after the potion-balloon incident. _Mr. Potter and Mr. Black are the sort of students who always find an excuse to cause mischief. _However they had originally been on track to pull this prank on McGonagall and he managed to deviate them from the path by pointing out Dedenne had wronged him, and they were on board with that. Revenge against someone who wronged him. It just--made him feel warm and bubbly inside. He'd do the same for them, of course.

_Fawley's going to see this_... The same thought that plagued him whenever they were planning something big. _I don't think she'll care though_. The Bat-Bogey trick was different than this. This was targeting an adult, a teacher. Would she? How far did her entertainment of his pranks go?

*

Sirius didn't come back to the dorm until very late at night, well past curfew. He appeared with sparkling eyes and motioning for his friends to follow him to the bathroom so they could have privacy without Spinnet or Struthers overhearing them.

"Found it," he said as soon as Remus shut the door. "Took her bloody long enough to return to her rooms. I was nearly caught!" He ran his fingers restlessly through his hair, his locks falling back into place as if by magic. Remus wondered vaguely if maybe Sirius _did_ have spells on his hair so it always looked nice. "There's a password, but I heard it. We can sneak in when she's occupied somewhere else."

"Not till Monday, then," James said as he messed his hair up, as if seeing Sirius's hair reacting differently made him want to reassure himself that his own hair remained sticking out everywhere. "We should wait until she's definitely busy with class. That would be the best opportunity--the safest."

"I was thinking... she might have paintings up in her room," Remus said, tugging at his sleeves. "Whoever goes in to nick them--"

"Nick the knickers," Sirius interrupting, sending all four boys into a fit of giggles.

Once Remus calmed down he tried again. "Whoever goes in to--to steal them--should have some sort of disguise. So if there is a painting they won't give it away."

"What kind of disguise?" James asked. Remus shrugged, not having any idea about that, he had only just now thought of the possibility of there being something to see them in her rooms.

"Maybe another uniform?" Peter suggested then winced when three sets of eyes turned to him. "Or--or not."

"No, that's brilliant!" James exclaimed, punching Peter's arm. "Change the colors to Slytherin. That means it'll need to be Siri or Pete."

"Why us?" Sirius asked.

"Because there's not many glasses-wearing Indian boys in Slytherin?" James asked as he spun his hands near his glasses, raising his eyebrows rather loftily. "Nor are there many tiny little sickly boys?"

"Oi!" Remus complained as James flourished his hands in his direction.

James pulled a face. "Sorry, but it's true." Remus folded his arms, unable to argue.

Sirius and Peter exchanged glances. "Me, then," Sirius said and Pete let out a sigh of relief. "Ugh, I don't want to wear _Slytherin_ colors. But I'd rather a Slytherin get blamed than anyone else."

James pat Sirius's back. "A true sacrifice. We salute you."

Sirius gave a theatrical sniff. "Remember me. Always."

"You'll just be wearing a Slytherin uniform, you won't be _dying_!" Remus grumbled.

"Wearing Slytherin colors? Might as well be me dead," Sirius retorted, giving Remus a playful shove. Remus considered giving a push back then changed his mind, not wanting to risk hurting him nor did he particularly want to touch him. While he had casually elbowed Sirius earlier, it had been an automatic response; when he _thought_ about doing something like that it made him a little queasy still. Sometimes.

"All right so Monday? After we have Defense we just go to her rooms?" James asked and everyone nodded in agreement. "We three can keep a lookout. Remy, can you change the uniform color?"

Remus rubbed the back of his, remembering the failure just that day of changing his pajama top. "I can try. I can work on a tie tomorrow and at the least you can go in without the jumper, just the tie." He figured he'd be able to change a tie with some time, not panicked between classes.

"I'd say sounds good to me but wearing green and silver doesn't sound good at all."

"Do you always have to be so dramatic?"

Sirius smiled broadly and answered with a simple, "Yes." Remus rolled his eyes, shaking his head. "Cool so, Operation Panty Plot is a go."

"Panty plot?!" James screeched.

"EWWWW!" Peter moaned. "Seriously, the idea of actually... stealing a teacher's underwear is just... ew."

"At least Sirius will be the only one touching them," Remus said, shuddering at the idea of--of _handling_ such a thing. Definitely ew. He was _very_ glad it wasn't him going in.

"Wh--what?" Sirius paled a little, realizing what going into her rooms actually meant. "Gr_oss_!!! Can I wear gloves? I'm wearing gloves."

"You're gonna go through her underwear drawer!" snickered James. "Touching all of them!" Sirius began staggering around, gagging. "_ALL_ her underwear! Find us a good pair."

"What's a _good_ pair of underwear?" Peter asked, scratching his head.

"I dunno, girls probably have _frilly_ undies," James replied, wriggling his fingers in the air to probably indicate the frills.

Pete crinkled his nose. "Wouldn't that itch?"

"Sounds like it would," Remus agreed. His mother had some lacy doilies sitting out on some of the tables at home and they all seemed a bit scratchy. Did girls wear things like that? Was James just taking the mickey? "I really haven't the faintest what sort of--undergarments women wear."

"NICK HER BRA!" James suddenly yelled. Sirius stopped staggering, eyes going wide. "Oops, didn't mean to say it that loud. But get a bra too!"

"Bras are for boobs," Peter said and all four boys collapsed on the floor laughing until they couldn't breathe.

*

The next day it took all of ten minutes to get one of Sirius's ties to turn green and silver. Sirius scowled at it when Remus handed it back, holding it between thumb and forefinger like a--well, like a snake.

"You can turn it back, right?" Sirius asked, face wrinkled with disgust.

"Yeah, won't be too hard," Remus promised, and Sirius tucked the tie deep into his pocket.

They joined the others on one of the couches. James and Peter were playing chess, Peter losing pretty wildly. Remus sat on the couch next to him then timidly scooted a little closer, making sure there was still a couple inches between them, so he could help Peter which James found to be very unfair. As he aided Pete, he wondered if the other boys were always so hyper aware of proximity. James never seemed to care about touch he was always putting his arms around his friends, flopping against them. The other day he flopped into Remus's bed next to him, halfway crashing on him, laughing an apology.

"Know what we should do?" Sirius asked as they waited for James to make his next move. "Panty Plot Part Two." He jerked his thumb towards the girls' staircase, grinning. "All their underwear."

"That'd be hilarious," James said, face still close to the chessboard

"That'd be kinda mean," Peter said. "B--but funny," he quickly added.

"That'd be impossible," Remus finished.

"Impossible?" Sirius cocked his head to one side.

"Yes. There isn't any way to get up to the girls' dorms." Remus met Sirius's annoyed gaze.

"Yeah, not like there's stairs or anything _right there_!"

Remus glanced over then back at his friend. "Can't get up there. Haven't you read _Hogwarts, a History_?"

Sirius brushed some hair back. "Do I look like a nerd?"

"Yes," James replied, still focusing on the board, then laughed when Sirius smacked him. "Rook to C4. Don't help him, it's supposed to just be us two. But yeah, come on, there's stairs right there. I know we're not _supposed_ to go up but since when do we do what we're _supposed_ to?"

"I'll give you the last of my chocolate from Easter if you can go up those stairs," Remus said flatly.

"Is that a bet?" Sirius asked, voice full of determination. Remus nodded then all four boys got up as Sirius marched towards the girls' staircase, not caring about the candy but instead wanting to prove that he could do what he wanted. Remus now smiled, arms crossed, waiting for it. "Watch this, Nerd." And Sirius began walking up the steps with confidence, everyone in the dorm watching him. He turned around, going backwards up the steps, arms spread out, his face smug.

He got up a good half dozen or so before the alarm went off. AWWOOOOOGAH! AWWWWOOOOOGAAHH! Remus put his hands over his ears, having not realized how _loud_ it would be. Sirius's arms began flailing wildly as the steps beneath his feet disappeared, smoothing out. AWWOOOOOGAH! AWOOOOOGAH!!! He gave one feeble attempt to grab the wall (for some reason) then crashed to his butt, sliding down the smooth incline. The entire common room was laughing now, though it was hard to hear over the alarm wails.

Sirius got up, rubbing his backside as he stomped back to his friends. "Point _taken_," he grumbled, glaring at the steps-turned-slide. At last the alarm faded and Remus lowered his hands, though the steps remained a slide. "You win. I don't have any chocolate though." Sirius dug around in his pocket then pulled something out. "Here." He flicked the thing towards Remus.

Remus put out his hands to catch it then everything went in slow motion. His skin began pricking as it came closer. That's when he realized what it was: a coin. To be specific, a sickle. A silver sickle. A pure silver sickle. He could feel it spinning through the air towards him. He knew if he caught it that it would burn in his hand, burn his skin, blister him, possibly permanently scar him, then everyone in the room would see and know and--

He took a few steps backwards, trying not to cry out. Then time sped back up to normal time. The sickle landed harmlessly at Remus's feet.

"You suck at catching things," Sirius said.

"I don't want your money." Remus took another step back, praying that he could play this off coolly, that it didn't turn into Some Big Thing. His heart was racing and he could feel sweat on his palms.

"We made a bet."

"Technically you never told me what you'd give me if I won," Remus said, trying his best to smile, to look calm and collected. He could feel the sickle on the ground at his feet. He always knew when his friends had sickles on them, had felt it through Sirius's pocket earlier--just hadn't been thinking when he had tossed it. "I don't want money."

Sirius came over to pick the coin up. "So what do you want?" His eyes flashed in a weird way that made Remus feel incredibly uncomfortable. He knew on the surface what Sirius meant but had the feeling there was something else there.

"Chocolate."

"I don't have any."

"Then get some, oh hotshot prankster." He knew his tone would hit all the right buttons, goad Sirius into doing just that. Sirius narrowed his eyes then spun around, heading out the common room.

James, Peter, and Remus returned to the chess board however before they could begin Lily came over. "How come Black tried to get up into the girls' dorm?" she asked.

"Because I told him he couldn't. He wanted to prove me wrong."

Lily looked quite amused by that. "Mmhmm, and that's _all_ he wanted with the girls' staircase?"

"Yes, of course." But he couldn't quite meet her eyes.

Lily tried for a few seconds then finally glanced away, seeing the chess board. "Who's black?"

"Me," Peter said. "James is white."

"Only in chess," James joked.

"Is it your turn?" she asked Peter who nodded. She went over, picking up one of the black pieces and moving it. Physically, with her hand. The chess pieces all began exclaiming in disgust. "Checkmate, Potter."

"'Checkmate, Potter'," he mimicked in a nasally tone. "Go away, Evans. Nobody likes you."

Lily ignored him, turning back to Remus. "See you tonight?"

"Yes, I'll be there," he said. Lily nodded then headed back to her friends.

James glared after her then spun around to glare at Peter who gave a squeak, shrinking back. "You only won cause _they_ helped you."

"I kn--know," he stammered as James began hastily putting away all his chess pieces. He turned frightened eyes to Remus who mouthed 'sore loser'. Peter managed a small smile at that. Once James finished boxing up the set he seemed to have calmed down, apologizing for snapping at Peter, then began complaining about Sirius being gone. He sat on the couch, elbows on knees, chin in hands, eyes focused on the girls' stairs. After about five more minutes they became steps again.

"Speed," James said, getting up. "That's the key."

And he took off before Remus could stop him. Heads turned, watching as James sprinted as fast as he could across the common room, charging up the girls' stairs, taking a few at a time. To his credit he probably got nearly halfway to the first dorm door (if the girls side was the same as the boys) before the alarm went off and he came shooting down the slide, glasses askew.

Remus had his hands over his ears, laughing so hard he could hardly breathe as James skulked back to the couch. James asked Pete something that Remus thought might be 'your turn to try'. Pete shook his head, eyes crinkled up from laughter as well. James turned to Remus and he shook his head as well. James shrugged and plopped down, giving a sigh.

"We'll get it one of these days," he said when the alarm finally stopped. A couple girls came sliding down, both of them giggling wildly about 'two in one day'. "I bet I could _fly_ up there. On a broom. Yeah!" He sat up, adjusting his glasses. "That's the key."

"Like speed?" Peter asked. Remus snorted.

"When I get my broom I'll fly up. Even if it turns into a slide it won't chuck me off, I'll be in the air." He nodded to himself at this plan, settling back. It didn't seem to be a _bad_ plan, to Remus. Actually he thought it might work.

Soon Sirius reappeared with a plate full of chocolate cookies he had stolen from the kitchens which he triumphantly handed over to Remus.


	69. Chapter Sixty-Eight - Marauding

Monday finally came after a long weekend of playing pranks (as well as studying, in Remus's case), and all four boys were giddy to get the Panty Plot started. Remus wished they had a better name for it but Sirius refused to use anything else even after Remus pointed out they were getting a bra as well as underwear. Of course they didn't talk about it whenever others were about. If everything went the way they hoped, they wouldn't get caught. Best case scenario a Slytherin got blamed.

During Defense in the afternoon Remus just watched Dedenne pace back and forth as she lectured about the differences between zombies and inferi. Whenever she asked questions she never called on Remus except when he was the only one raising his hand. When she was forced to call on him, he'd either be wrong or she'd gloss over his response as if it didn't matter.

"Absolute hag!" Sirius complained after they left class.

Peter reached over, grabbing Remus's homework as he tried to put it away. "Look at this. A D! Even _I_ got a P." Remus snatched it back, cheeks flaming. "I bet it's even all right, isn't it?"

"Does she hate your dad that much?" James asked.

"Never mind that, let's go to her rooms. You've got the tie?" Remus asked. Sirius pat his pocket in response.

They went up a couple flights of stairs then down a corridor. It was well lit however seemed fairly abandoned. James took watch at one end while Remus stood near the main entrance. Sirius shed his robes and sweater, then removed his Gryffindor tie to put the Slytherin one on, making a disgusted face as he did. He ran his fingers through his hair uneasily, looking a bit ill.

"You're fine," Remus said encouragingly.

"Bugger that," Sirius growled then went to a large painting of a vampire. "Erumpent," he said and the vampire stepped aside, revealing a doorknob that formed 3D. Sirius stepped through, the door shutting behind him.

Remus turned back to the main corridor, keeping a careful ear out. He bounced on his tiptoes, feeling quite excited. Dedenne--well, probably didn't _really_ deserve it but part of him felt that she did. A bit of revenge for all the awfulness over the past seven months. He ducked back when he heard some voices coming by however they were just some Gryffindors headed up to the tower. Once they passed, Remus returned to the entrance. A couple more minutes went then the door to Dedenne's room opened and Sirius came out, brilliantly pink.

They took off running, up to the tower, Sirius tearing off the Slytherin tie as they went. Once in their dorm they collapsed onto the floor breathlessly, begging Sirius to show. They were all pink now (minus James though he was obviously embarrassed) as Sirius shakily brought out two bright yellow objects.

"MERLIN!" James howled as Sirius deposited the bra and panties on the floor.

"Holy hippogriff they _match_!" Peter gasped out in awe.

"Is this what all girls wear?" James inquired, poking at the bra with the end of his wand. He hooked a strap over the end and lifted it up. "How come they still look--look--"

"Like boobs?" Peter asked, sending them into fits of giggles.

They did still have that shape, making Remus go even redder. They were lemony yellow with white lace over the--the--bowls? He wasn't sure what the boob part was called. There was lace edging along the edges too. The panties were the same lemon color with the same white lace along the edges.

"Can you imagine Dedenne in _this_?" James asked, waving the bra towards Sirius. Immediately everyone began groaning. Remus definitely didn't want _that_ image in his head! YUCK!

"Ohhhh I'm gonna _vomit_!" Sirius moaned, jerking away from the undergarment. "St--stooop!" he whined as James wiggled it in his face. "I had to touch them, you know!"

James began waving the bra at Remus who squeaked and dove away, hiding behind Sirius. "No, keep that away, it's weird!"

He let the bra slide off his wand then he bravely plucked one strap, holding it between thumb and forefinger. "This is clean, right?"

"I hope so, I got it from her dresser."

James cracked a huge grin then slid his arms through the straps. The bowls protruded from his chest like great lemony hills. "Here, one of you help me. Go on then." Sirius went closer so he could hook the back of it. He wiped his hands off on his trousers after. "I'm a woman!" James announced to many giggles.

"Yellow's not your color," Peter said.

"I'd have Remy change it to red but I don't want to ruin the prank." James went to his own wardrobe, pulling out socks so he could stuff them down. He looked at the mounds then back up. "Tits."

After another round of loud laughter from the boys Sirius suggested, "Put your shirt over it.'

After some finagling and adjusting he got the sock-stuffed-bra under his shirt. Then he began parading around, swishing his hips. Sirius, Peter, and Remus rolled on the floor laughing until it hurt. Then James began mimicking Dedenne's way of speaking, shaking his finger at Remus until he couldn't stop himself from the laughter anymore. After they all calmed down, it took a lot of wrangling with help from Sirius to get the bra off (socks tumbling everywhere) and back on the floor next to the panties.

Next came a lot of discussion of what to do with the underthings. The idea of putting them up on a pole had been abandoned, as hardly anyone would see them before a teacher did and that wouldn't be any fun. James wanted to hoist them up in the Great Hall however the same problem arose: they'd be taken down before any of the kids saw them.

"What if we have them all curled up and unseen?" Remus said, squinting as he tried to picture the scene in the Great Hall. "Then halfway through breakfast when most everyone's there they unfurl? Simple spell."

"Oooh, we should make'em bigger," James said. "So everyone can see them."

"I'll get a book from the library tonight, to make sure we get the spell right," offered Remus.

"Isn't it engorgio?" Sirius asked.

"That'll ruin them though," Peter mumbled. "You'd need--umm--I forget the spell but it's suited to make clothes larger without the stitching going." By this point they all knew his mother worked as a seamstress, apparently quite talented, so Pete knew a fair bit about tailoring magic.

"I doubt she'll want them back anyway, or even admit they're hers," said James as he poked at the undergarments once more with his wand, flopping them this way and that, still quite amused.

"It is engorgio," Remus said, "but if we don't know the exact way of movement we're liable to set the knickers on fire and we don't want _that _unless we want to risk stealing more."

"Oh, definitely not," James said, patting Remus's shoulder. "Get the book and we'll get it sorted tonight. Or if you think you can do the spell Peter mentioned, find a clothing book and work on that one. Anyway, about tonight... we'll have to sneak out late tonight."

"S--sneak out?" Peter whimpered.

"What, you think we're gonna go in and put up giant bra and panties in front of everyone?" Sirius demanded. "Nah, we'll sneak in tonight and attach them somewhere high up in the Great Hall all rolled up to be hidden then tomorrow... WHOOSH! Great big yellow panties flapping in the--well, not wind, but you know what I mean."

Remus's head swiveled towards the door. "S--" He bit his lip, a touch afraid of admitting he could hear Struthers on his way up, of admitting he could hear so well. Then caution won over. He gave in. "Someone is coming."

"Blast!" James grabbed the underthings and shoved them under his bed a few seconds before the door opened. Struthers walked in to four innocent faces which put him on high alert. The four of them looking innocent surely meant they were up to something despite the fact they rarely did anything to Struthers. He went over to his desk, got something from the drawer, stared at the four boys suspiciously, then slowly left, keeping his eye on them the whole time.

Once the door shut, they all let out a sigh of relief then went back to their plans.

*

Remus went to the library early, copying out the engorgement charm out of _Book of Spells_ and also checked out a book detailing clothing magic. He wasn't sure how expensive lacy yellow panties cost but it couldn't be cheap, so he didn't want to _ruin_ them. Still... he had to agree with James. He doubted Dedenne would want them back.

In the evening he took one of James's socks (given up as a sacrifice) and practiced making it bigger without ruining it. He managed to get it a bit bigger though it became rather stretchy and awkward looking, the heel ruined. He tried on the matching sock then gave up. He wouldn't be able to get it big enough to be fun anyway.

"Engorgio," he said, doing the proper wand movement, and the sock grew huge. "Engorgio!" The matching one grew, a bit bigger than the first.

"Sweet!" Sirius fell onto Remus's bed, waving one of the socks like a flag. "Absolutely enormous."

"Reducio!" The sock shrank down and looked much worse than his attempt at the actual clothing-size-change spell. "No wonder tailoring spells are better." Remus picked the baggy disaster then tossed it to James. James caught it easily then spun around, slamming it down into his trash bin.

Sirius used the giant sock to chase Peter around then shoved it over his head. Peter flailed, yanking it back up. "Blimey, James, your feet _stink_!!!"

"Those were clean," James muttered.

"They're _clean_ and they stink this bad?" Peter gagged a bit, throwing the giant sock at James. "Disgusting."

James sniffed at the sock and pulled a face. "Maybe the spell made the smell worse. Ten points!" He wadded the sock up, lobbing it into the bin to go with the first. "Oh yeah." He pumped his fist then fetched the bra and panties from under his bed, dumping them onto Remus's bed. "Do your work, Remy ol' chap!"

"Engorgio, engorgio!" The bra and panties began growing, growing, growing. They watched with interest until they finally stopped. They were _HUGE_!

James picked the bra up. "Merlin's beard, look! You could use these as a hammock!"

"If we come across a giant in need of brassiere we're all set," Sirius joked.

James returned the yards of lemon under his bed. "Perfect. So, we're all good for tonight, then?"

"Do we--" Peter started then James shot him a look. "Yeah. All good."

*

Remus stayed up that night, hidden behind his curtains as he waited for the time came for sneaking off. He felt both sick and excited at sneaking out. He'd been out after hours before but that had been entirely accidental. _I shouldn't_, he kept thinking. But oh how he wanted to! _They are rubbing off on me_.

He looked down at the blank parchment set on a book in his lap. He dipped his quill, carefully writing out, _Dear Mum and Dad 17/4/72_ then he just stared dumbly at the the creamy smoothness. Letters home were getting harder to write every time he tried. His mother wrote back endlessly, all the trivial details of her lonely daily life that hurt Remus's heart. He wished she could go out and make friends. It wasn't fair that she couldn't. Surely she could make friends and--and lie to them about not having a child or something, keep him secret so she could at least go out sometime. Maybe he'd talk to her about it over the summer; it wasn't anything to write about. Plus he wasn't sure how his father would feel about it. He'd dislike it, most likely, finding it too risky.

_I'm glad to hear things are going well at home_, he finally wrote, _and I hope the garden's going well. It snowed this morning. It's still so cold! Peter slipped on some ice going to Her_

_Drat_! Remus thought, carefully blacking out the sentence, making sure that Peter's name couldn't be seen at all. Then paranoia got hold and he simply ripped up the parchment, trying again.

_I'm glad to hear things are going well at home_ _and I hope the garden's going well. It snowed this morning. It's still so cold! One of my classmates slipped on some ice going to Herbology today and he nearly went shooting down the hill. It was pretty funny._

Course the funniest part was Sirius shouting 'practice for sneaking up the girls' dorm, Petey!'.

_He was all right of course. Nothing more than a couple bruises._

Remus tipped his head back, closing his eyes. They were wrapped around him, like great vines. Entwined in his every moment of school. Either them or Lily. He considered writing about the Muggle game Lily taught him on Sunday, but wasn't sure how to without outright saying. She had found out he had only read about hopscotch in some Muggle books and never tried it himself, so Remus stole some chalk from Binns who never even _used_ it, and they chalked up an empty corridor so Lily could teach him. They played hopscotch for ages. Remus tumbled more than once due to his clumsiness however he certainly had a lot of fun. He couldn't talk about that though.

It felt like squeezing inside of him, being so dishonest with his own parents. _Lies_! He shook his head, angrily pushing the parchment off his lap until he calmed down enough to figure out how to write to them. He opened up the book, reading until James's alarm quietly went off. Time for sneaking.

Remus got out of bed almost at the same time as James. White flashed on his face as he grinned. "You get Sirius, I'll get Pete."

All Remus had to do was move aside Sirius's curtains as he was wide awake, waiting. He hopped out of bed, going for his shoes. On the other side of James's bed he was waking Peter up who was snoring gently. James bent in, pressing his hand across Peter's mouth to prevent him from crying out when he woke up. Which he did, his protests muffled. His limbs went everywhere, one hand nearly smacking off James's glasses.

"Shut up!" James hissed out. "It's just us."

"Oh! Oh!" Peter sat up, trembling. "I thought it was someone evil."

"Yeah, Pete, dark wizards are coming just for you," Sirius said as he tied the laces on his shoes, trying to keep his laughter quiet. "A madman's broke into Hogwarts _just_ to hunt _you_ down. You figured it out."

Peter glowered as he swung his legs out of bed. "Shut up. I fell asleep."

They all got shoes and robes on, and James fetched the underwear from under his bed. They were so big they couldn't hide them in their pockets so James and Sirius carried them over their shoulders, the panties like a yellow cape. They tiptoed down to the common room, pausing on the steps to make sure no one was up snogging, then they rushed across to the door. James went first, Pete behind him, Sirius, then Remus at the back.

Remus's entire body thrummed, his senses were on very high alert. It almost felt like walking on clouds as they slunk through the shadows of the corridor. He could sense all their hearts pounding, his own going at it quite a bit itself. James and Sirius had gotten practiced in the art of sneaking. Pete's footsteps were clumsier. Remus's were rather light, his muscles taut as he went. It all felt rather wolfish. Not that _that_ was a good thing.

On the fifth floor Remus reached out, snagging the sleeve of Sirius's black cashmere bathrobe. "Filch," he whispered. Sirius's eyes flashed as he glanced back but he obediently grabbed Peter who relayed the message to James who pulled the line down a side corridor then behind a large tapestry where there was a secret passage. They rushed down as quietly as they could even though the passage doubled back to the sixth floor. There James took them down another secret passage that took them to the fourth floor. It was very narrow and they had to go one by one, and even then it felt cramped.

Remus emerged first, listening carefully. Then he waved his hand, and they hurried out. Thankfully Filch seemed to be creeping around the upper floors and the four of them reached the Great Hall without much trouble. The room seemed so different in the middle of the night, with no one else around. The first thing Remus did, though, was glance upward at the thin crescent moon.

"Right-o," James said, scanning the ceiling for the best spot. "There." He pointed at one of the middle rafters.

After they used some twine and sticking charms to get the panties to hang down below the bra, James and Remus floated the lemon monstrosity up to the rafter where the sticking spell on the bit of twine stuck to the bra straps got stuck to the rafter. It hung down, waving gently.

"Brilliant," James and Sirius chorused.

Remus waved his wand and the whole thing rolled up, hiding up in the rafters. "All you have to do tomorrow is..." He flicked his wand, using the counter spell. The bra and panties came unrolled, swinging about. Remus quickly rolled them back up.

James grabbed Remus, his arm going around him tightly. "You are such a genius!" James exclaimed, messing up Remus's hair the way Sirius always did. Sirius frowned though quickly turned his face back up towards the rafters.

"Why did I have to be here?" Pete whined. He was sitting at one of the table looking bored.

"Support," Sirius replied immediately. "You're in for this too, you know. In for a knut, in for a galleon."

James paced around, neck craned as he made sure the yellow wasn't easily seen. He declared the job finished but before they could leave, a crashing sound caused all four of them to dive under one of the tables. Remus drew his knees up, shaking a bit. Were they about to be caught? Peter was jammed in beside him, breathing heavily almost right into Remus's ear, his hot breath prickling Remus's skin. Peter's fingers wriggled, grasping Remus's arm.

"Shh," Remus hissed as Peter pulled him close, whimpering. "Shh."

Another crashing sound, this one in the Great Hall. On Remus's other side James jerked a little bit. Then they heard Peeves cackling loudly. A whooshing sound as he flew through the air. Remus chewed at his lip, worried Peeves would find the undies. _If he does anything in here, they might find the underwear in the morning too_. He held his breath, hoping... hoping... Then there was another crashing as Peeves burst through the main doors, his laughing fading down the hallway.

"Thank Merlin," Sirius said from James's other side.

The four of them climbed out from under the table, Peter still clutching at Remus, face deathly pale. "Th--that was c--close!" he whined. "Does that--happen a lot?"

"All the time," James replied. "You wanna come with us again sometime, Pete?"

Peter looked on the verge of vomiting. "Let's just get back to the dorm," Remus suggested, not wanting Peter to sick all over his feet.

They went out a side exit to avoid Peeves. Remus hadn't ever been down this corridor. It was narrow and rather twisty, but they were on the same floor in the end. They were extra careful making their way back, stopping at every little sound Remus heard. He wondered if he was being too open about his hearing... he just didn't want to get caught.

Thankfully the Fat Lady was in her portrait when they got back. She gave then quite the stink eye when James said the password, lecturing them about sneaking around at night. But she opened up, and the four of them went into the common room. Once safely by the fire thy all began giggling. Peter looked a lot better too, the pastiness replaced with a flush of victory. James mimed holding up a glass so they all mimed clinking drinks together.

"You enjoy sneaking about?" Sirius asked Peter, nudging him.

"I don't know," Peter said reluctantly. "I mean kinda yeah. But it was scary with Peeves. Maybe if we don't have as much danger--"

"The danger's what makes it fun!" complained James.

"How about you?" Sirius asked Remus.

_Yes_, Remus thought giddily. "Marauding is certainly interesting," he settled on, not wanting to sound too silly, or admit how much he had enjoyed it. James would just get all high-and-mighty with 'I told you so's.

"Sorry, _what_ is interesting?" James asked.

"Sneaking around?" Remus switched his gaze to him. "It was interesting."

"You didn't say sneaking, you say something else," said Sirius.

"Oh. Marauding."

"What's _that_?" James demanded.

Remus squinted, trying to figure out how to explain. "Erm. Like sneaking around? Well, I suppose, really it means like--originally pillaging. Like vikings. But it's--well, you know, like--gangs marauding around looking to cause trouble. I thought of it the other day when you two were off in the night, since I was reading a book about pirates. I thought it suited--"

"Pirates? Vikings?" James perked up. "That sounds cool."

"It was a really good book, it was about--"

"No, not that, the marauding thing."

"Oh. Yes, of--of course."

Sirius slapped his thighs so loudly it caused all of them to jump. "Well, me laddies, I say we go to bed. The sooner we go to sleep the sooner we can wake up and proudly fly the yellow jolly roger come breakfast." He gave a sharp salute before jumping to his feet, leading the way back to the dorm.


	70. Chapter Sixty-Nine - An Argument

When morning came, the four boys practically leapt into their uniforms, huge grins on all their faces which they tried their best to wipe away as they went down the stairs. In the Great Hall they chose seats a fair distance from the underwear, one that gave them all a good view of most the tables. Especially the teachers' table. Remus wondered what Dedenne would do. She wouldn't claim them as hers, he knew that completely, but he knew she'd give a terrific reaction. _Is this bad of me_? he wondered as he piled sausages on his plate. Then he remembered all his Ps and Ds, and the little bit of sympathy disappeared.

About twenty minutes later the Great Hall was fair full, as full as it would get at any point during breakfast, so James flicked his wand, sending the spell shooting upward. Remus tried his best not to watch--tried not to give away--but out of the corner of his eye he saw the yellow. Soon there were whispers and loud giggling. _Now_ he finally looked up, casually glimpsing Dedenne as his eyes traveled upward. She hadn't looked yet. Drat. Still, there was her underwear, flapping proudly from the rafters, absolutely humongous.

The entire hall began laughing, fingers pointing. Now Remus glanced to the teachers again and _yes_ her face was going redder and redder as she realized just what was going on. He quickly looked back up in case she spotted him. That'd give it away. James and Sirius were laughing hard, pounding their fists against the table, while Peter had his fist shoved in his mouth, tears going down his round cheeks. Remus finally gave into the laughter, sliding down in his seat a bit, covering his face while he wheezed.

Then Flitwick was trying to get the underwear down. The bra and panties pulled at the twine attached the the rafter and they were all stretched out for a moment then SNAP! The twine went and the underwear went fluttering down to the Hufflepuff table.

"They like yellow, so it fits!" Sirius said very loudly as the Hufflepuffs shrieked, several of them flailing away from the cloth. Then the underwear jerked up and went flying through the air, to the teachers' table, shrinking as they went until they were normal sized, dripping bits of this and that from where they landed on the table, in some food. Then whoosh, through a side door.

"Ooh, here comes McGonagall," Peter whispered.

Indeed she was walking stiffly down the aisle, her eyes locked on the four of them. "Did you lot have anything to do with this?" she demanded when she came close enough. Only to James and Sirius, really. Remus sat up straight again, trying to stop himself from giggling any more. He wasn't sure if they'd be caught or not. He didn't think they left any evidence behind.

Sirius fluttered his eyelashes. "Really, Professor, just because someone's caused some mayhem, does it automatically make it us?"

"Yes," she replied flatly. "Whose--undergarments--were those?"

"No idea," James said with a shrug. "We didn't do it."

"They were pretty big though, maybe Hagrid's got a girlfriend?" Sirius suggested sweetly.

"Five points from Gryffindor for your cheek, Mr. Black," McGonagall snapped, clearly not having any of it. "I'll ask you again--"

"Honest, Professor! Neither one of us put the underwear up there!" James said, crossing his hand over his heart. "Jolly good one, though, wish we had thought of it." McGonagall gave them a narrowed look then swept back up to the teachers' table where Dedenne still looked quite apoplectic.

McGonagall still seemed cross with them in Transfiguration even when James managed to transfigure his piece of driftwood into a roughly done statue of a lion. They were having a rather artsy class, attempting figures out of wood. Subject matter up to the student, so it came to no surprise that James's became a lion. McGonagall just looked at the Gryffindor symbol and gave a long sigh as if it were too much for her to deal with.

"How come she complicated Evans's stupid thing but not mine?" James grumbled on their way out of class, his lion in his hands.

Lily was a little ways ahead of them and heard this. Her piece of wood had become a lovely flower. Petunia flower, so Remus knew what she planned to do with it. He hoped her sister would appreciate it... "Yours looks like you threw it through a woodchipper and it _happened_ to become a lion," she sneered. "Plus we all know you put the underwear up in the rafters."

"Mine's massive compared to yours!" James snarled.

"You mean your ego? I agree." Lily looked at the wooden petunia flower in her hand. "Besides, mine's beautiful. Oh, Remus, yours is lovely!"

"Th--thanks," he mumbled. He was cradling a wooden cat. "It's for Mum, she really likes cats." He often wondered how it felt for her son to turn into a canine, but they hadn't ever really talked much about it. He knew his mother had a cat before--before the bite. Apparently after the lycanthropy took hold the cat kept trying to attack Remus so they had to give it away.

"So does McGonsie, she complimented yours for ages," Sirius said. "You know, there's something cat-like about her. I dunno what _I_ did wrong, though. She only groaned when she saw mine, took points away, and made it disappear! Honestly, taking points away for doing the work correctly isn't exactly encouraging."

"That's because you made something extremely vulgar!" Lily said, cheeks going brilliantly pink.

"Is not!" Sirius complained, folding his arms. "It's just part of the body. Nothing vulgar about the human form."

"Oh, _really_!" Lily sounded disgusted, not that Remus blamed her. He couldn't believe Sirius had pulled a stunt like that in class. "What's yours supposed to be?" she asked Peter.

"It was _supposed_ to be a bird but..." It was quite lumpy and looked more like a wooden piece of coal with a few sticky out bits.

"You've got a nice tail there though," Remus said.

"Th--that's supposed to be the beak!" he wailed. "C--compared to Colgate..."

Alice Colgate was standing near them, as was Cassandra Inkwood, and Colgate had a very nicely done sparrow in her hand. Inkwood's was the only one who deviated from nature by making a decent replica of a racing broom. "Next time you'll get it," Colgate said cheerfully. "Professor McGonagall said we'd be doing this again next week."

Peter just looked at the lump of wood, shaking his head. "Yeah b--but we're also gonna be bringing those to life! What's this going to do? Roll over?"

"I really hope you don't make the same thing you did today, then," James said with a grin to Sirius who grinned right back, both of them snickering.

"You're disgusting," Inkwood said.

"Thank you," Sirius replied with a bow.

*

At lunch Dedenne still seemed out of sorts, and Remus rather wished they had Defense that day so they could see how well their revenge worked. Either way, they knew it upset her and they spent half of lunch making bets over whether or not she got her clothing back though they all pretty much agreed that she didn't. Best of all there were rumors going around that a Slytherin did it. Apparently the portrait of a vampire guarding the entrance to her rooms said it was 'someone with a green and silver tie'. When they heard this, they all quietly gave each other low fives, congratulating Pete on the absolutely _brilliant_ idea to use another house color for a disguise. Pete pretty much glowed for the remainder of the day.

They had gotten away with it.

That evening was Occlumency and he went to the fourth floor with trepidation. Last week hadn't gone well. He still had the throbbing ache of anger and betrayal (not that she really betrayed him, it just sort of felt that way). When he went in he could tell she felt as nervous as him which gave him a bit of relief.

"Hullo," she said as he shut the door behind him. "How are you doing today?"

"Um, p--pretty good," he mumbled, scurrying over to the couch. "We pulled off a really big prank today. I think we got away with it."

Fawley smiled. "Good. You four must be keeping the teachers hopping, hmm?"

"I guess so." He sat down, heart pounding in his chest.

"Remus, dear, can we talk about last week?" She didn't even ease into it. Just threw it out onto the floor. He flinched, feeling sick. "I'm very sorry that I upset you."

He stuck his chin out, voice a little shaky. "My dad loves me."

She began twisting her cane around, sighing a little bit. "You understand why I needed to check, don't you?"

"No." Part of him did, a little tiny piece deep down inside did understand that she needed to just reassure herself, that she couldn't trust his word only, but he didn't want to admit that. "He's--he's not bad. He's a good father. He _loves_ me. He's never hurt me."

"He hit you--"

White hot fury flared up in him. "NO!" He didn't mean to shout, it just sort of happened. "N--no, he was just--disciplining me, that's all, and I deserved it. I did!" he protested when her expression tensed. "Maybe they're right, being here _is_ making me lax, and I can't let that happen, and he just--just--"

"Remus--"

"You're wrong." That's all he could say now, any other argument coming out as a hiccuping sob. "You're _wrong_."

Her hand shot out, grabbing hold of his shoulder. "Remus, please calm down. You've done nothing wrong."

He couldn't understand why she said that, she said it before. He _had_ done something wrong. He _had_ deserved being smacked over Christmas break--probably even deserved it over Easter. He was constantly lying to his family and taking risks--God he had showed off his hearing ability to the other three. He wanted to say all this to her but all he could do was cry because he was a _baby_. He could hear Mulciber and Avery chanting from the past.

Fawley pulled him into his arms, letting him cry into her blouse. He didn't even know why he started crying, just that there was something horribly deep and pulling inside that frightened and upset him. Fawley stroked his back gently until he finally managed to stop the tears after what felt like an eternity. He pulled back, wiping his eyes and nose off on his robes sleeve. He tried apologizing, but she wouldn't hear of it.

She dampened her handkerchief and began wiping at his cheeks. "You're all right," she said soothingly.

"I sh--shouldn't be crying--it's--"

"No, no, hey, it's perfectly all right to cry." Her cool fingers began raking some of his hair back from his face. "There's no shame in crying."

He gave another loud hiccuping sound then slumped back miserably. He felt stupid for what just happened. The worst part was he really couldn't figure out _why_. Not the feeling stupid bit, the crying. It was as though something cracked him open. Fear for his father? Anger she thought of his father in such a way? Because of one slap? One piece of discipline (which _he deserved_!!!!). It wasn't as though his father was slapping him around just because.

He shivered a bit, from her nails gently scraping against his scalp. It felt good. Soothing. It felt a little like a hairbrush, but different--kinda better, since it was someone's hand. Actually touching him like this, knowing he's a werewolf. He almost wanted to lean back into her and had to fight off the urge.

"How about this. We make a deal." _Shhh, shhh, shhh_, her fingers through his hair. "If anything happens you tell me. And I won't purposely go looking. If something happens, you lie, and I _accidentally_ see it, I can't control that."

"Okay," he whispered, eyes closed. Is this what dogs felt like being petted? _That_ sent a sickening lurch in his stomach. "I just... he--he loves me."

Fawley made a quiet sound, almost like another sigh. "I know."

After a few more minutes they started in on the lesson. Remus wanted to, determined to get this Occlumency thing down. It only took a couple of tries before his head hurt too much so they ended early. He made his way to the dorms, not really paying much attention to where he walked. Down one corridor he heard some hushed arguing which he initially ignored until he realized one of the voices belonged to Lily which was strange since she was supposed to be at study group. He hesitated, creeping back to the end of the hall. She was arguing with Snape. He kept telling her she didn't understand, she kept saying he should help her understand. Remus chewed at his thumbnail, knowing it was wrong to eavesdrop like this... Lily deserved her privacy. It wasn't his business. Plus he was exhausted from the emotions earlier.

He turned, planning on going, until, "...ven in Gryffindor you need to be careful of who you're friends with!" Snape hissed out in his nasally, sneery, stupid voice.

"You can't tell me who to be friends with, Severus!" Lily snapped. Remus stopped then leaned back against the wall. Snape was doing what now?! "You have no right, especially not with the way you're acting!"

"In the wizarding world status is--is more important than you could ever imagine..."

"I don't _care_ about status!" It sounded like she stomped her foot. "If you're telling me Cassie and Remus aren't good enough for me--"

"They're--you just need to be careful." Snape sounded a bit crawly now, begging, as if he were afraid she'd yell at him again. "That's all I'm meaning."

Remus clenched his teeth, feeling rather ill. He knew Snape was saying that he wasn't good enough because he was half-and-half, however... he couldn't help but feel the truth: that he wasn't good enough because of the wolf blood in him. He _wasn't_. Lily _should _be careful. They _shouldn't_ be friends, he shouldn't even be anywhere near humans. He wasn't one.

"I don't care if they're half-blood, or less!" Her voice climbed even higher. "_You're_ half-blood, aren't you?"

"It's not--"

"I'm not even... even... blood at all!" Her words were very sharp, Remus could practically _feel_ them stabbing into Snape which the greasy git deserved. "Oh! Wait no, I know, I am, aren't I? I'm _Mud_blood."

Remus's hand flattened against his mouth, trying to stop himself from gasping out. Snape did gasp. "Where did you--"

"Slytherins," Lily spat out. "That's where! Those awful bullies. Mulciber, and--and Avery. That's what I am, isn't it?"

"No! No! Lils, no, never--"

"But I _am_. That makes me _less_."

"No!"

"It sure sounds that way!" Her voice sounded shaky now, like she was trying not to cry. "I just don't get what the big deal is about _blood_! So what if my parents aren't magical? So _what_ if Cassie's father isn't magical? Or Remus's mother? Why do _you_ care? They're both more magical than me!"

"I--I don't. I swear, I don't."

It didn't sound like that to Remus, and apparently not to Lily either. "Then why are you so anxious about them being my friends? You think they're going to drag me down? Wouldn't I be the one to drag them down?"

"You're different!" Snape pleaded. "I promise! You're so smart! And talented! You're not like..."

He trailed off, but it was too late. "Not like what? Other Mudbloods?"

"Don't--call yourself that!"

"Don't call _myself_ that? So, does that mean it's okay to call _others_ that?"

"N--no... not what I... Lils, come on, be reasonable--"

"You're the one who brought this up, Sev. So tell me, _make_ me understand, what else am I supposed to take from your _helpful advice_?"

Snape began breathing rather raggedly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't... I just worry. I want... the best for you, that's all. You don't know what it's like. A lot of people... have... difficult feelings towards those from--from non-magical families. Or mixed families. That's why I've been trying... Well, all I meant was--in case you wanted to know. I truly am sorry. I just want... you to be... well... you know."

Lily remained quiet for a moment. "So... I should just become friends with Purebloods? Like--oh, I dunno, Potter?"

"NO!" Snape shouted so loudly that Remus jerked. "Not him! Never him, he's--he's nothing but a-a-a-a bully, a disgusting worm!"

But Lily was laughing now, so hard it made it difficult to get her words out. "Your face! That was priceless!"

"Lils--"

"Gee, I'm just pulling your leg. He _is_ a worm, so's Black. But Remus _is_ my friend. So is Cassie. And it's going to stay that way. And if they're not good enough for me because they're both half-bloods then that means you aren't either."

"I know..." Snape swallowed, voice trembling. "I'm sorry. I just worry about you. You're my best friend."

"I know. You're my best friend too, Sev."

"Always?"

Lily gave a tinkling laugh. "Of course, silly. Now, we better go before curfew."

Remus took off quickly, feeling a flush of guilt from listening in on all of that. He thought it quite rude of Snape to be telling Lily not to be friends with people who weren't pure, especially since he wasn't himself. He also thought it beyond awful that Mulciber or Avery had called Lily that word! He wanted revenge against them, knowing he could easily rope the others into helping him without telling them why (he didn't want anyone to know he knew what they said to Lily since he didn't know aside from overhearing that conversation).

In the common room he sat down in a chair, waiting for Lily. He wanted to at least see if she was all right. He drew his feet up onto the chair, eyes locked on the entrance until she came through. "Lily!" He hurried over, realizing he wasn't sure how to ask.

"Hullo Remus!" Her eyes were a little dull but otherwise she didn't seem too upset. "Have you been crying?"

His hand fluttered to his cheek, having forgotten all about that. "Uh--"

"Is something wrong?"

That's not at all how this was supposed to go. It was supposed to be the other way around. "I'm fine," he muttered, tugging at his sleeves. "I was worried about you."

Lily's eyes got huge now, fear spreading across her face. "I made you cry?!" she cried out, horrified.

"No! That was something else--I mean, I wasn't--wasn't crying--I mean--oh, never mind." He gave up, too flustered. "I went by the library earlier--I didn't stay--but you weren't at study group."

"No, after supper Severus wanted to chat," she said lightly. "How come you went to the library? I thought Tuesdays were your... whatever it is you do... at the hospital wing?"

"Er, yeah, I stopped by on my way back, it didn't take very long at all," he said quickly.

"That's odd, doesn't it usually take an hour?" She glanced over at the clock which said twenty till. "You must have left quite a bit ago if I didn't run into you in the halls."

"Er, yeah, she--didn't take my blood this time," he said, scrambling for lies.

"Does that have anything to do with why you were crying?"

"I w-w-w-wasn't crying!" he squeaked. "I was--sneezing. A lot." She didn't believe him one bit. "Never mind. I'm just glad _you're_ all right then. When I didn't see you I just got a bit worried."

She stepped closer, hand on his arm. "You're such a good friend."

"So are you." He met her gaze, wanting to tell her she was a good person too, that she deserved better than someone trying to boss her around like Snape did. That her blood didn't matter one bit. He kind've wanted to hug her, but still felt uneasy about doing that, so he put his hand on her wrist and gave a gentle, hopefully comforting squeeze. She smiled. "I think I'm going to lie down, I'll s--see you tomorrow."

He went up to his dorm where his friends were lounging. As soon as he went in Sirius said he looked like he had been crying. Remus protested that he had _not_ been crying then grabbed his stuff to get a shower, feeling quite huffy.


	71. Chapter Seventy - Wolfsbane

As soon as Remus went into Defense Against the Dark Arts on Wednesday he could tell Dedenne knew exactly _who_ stole her undies. She narrowed her eyes at James and Sirius, watching them saunter to their seats. At least her annoyance was on someone else besides him for once. Or so he thought. His essay he got back was a 9%, his lowest _ever._ He stared at it in absolute _sickness_. Slowly he looked up, meeting Dedenne's furious glare. She quickly looked away. There was no explanation on the paper for why he did so horrible. A tiny part of him considered just going to McGonagall. Then slowly he folded the paper up, sticking it into his bag, wanting to just forget about it.

After class, though, she asked only to see James and Sirius behind. Remus and Peter waited across the hall, of course, and then their friends came tumbling out a moment later. She had questioned them as delicately as she could without admitting they had been hers, wanting to know if they had done it or not.

"We lost a couple points for cheekiness," Sirius said.

"You lost the points," James snickered. "Sirius told her, 'well, ma'am, you're not the Head of our House and wouldn't this fall under her jurisdiction not yours unless you've got some personal involvement?'."

Remus's hands flew to his mouth while Peter doubled over. "You didn't!" he wheezed.

"I did," Sirius reassured him. "Lost ten points for that." He pretended to hook his thumbs under some suspenders and yank them out in a proud manner. "She's not very happy at the moment."

"She completely knows it was us," said James cheerfully as he began going down the corridor, "just doesn't have the evidence to back it up. Must be driving her up the wall."

He strode ahead down the middle of the aisle in his typical arrogant manner, making other students needing to get out of the way. Even older students. Remus wasn't sure why it was that made people do this. Was it his self-assured strut? Or did most the students just see Something Special in James Potter? In any case, he plowed the way for his friends to follow--not that Sirius needed it, no he had a similar strut that made others move. Remus and Peter needed it though, hurrying behind to keep up with their cocky friends who acted like they owned the world (which they could probably afford to do so). Once Remus tried that walk. It ended up with a fifth year not even noticing him, knocking him clean off his feet. At least he apologized as he helped Remus back up. Still, it was very embarrassing and Remus quickly resumed his typical head-down, make-himself-as-small-as-possible shuffle through the school.

*

The next day in Potions it was another day of working only on ingredients, not any potions. Remus took notes while Slughorn spoke at great length about some of the ingredients they'd be using, as well as the safety measures for handling said ingredients. Finally he put out the various plants on the desks, neat little boxes with the items in their own little section so they wouldn't touch. Some of the plants were in their potions kits, but some weren't.

Remus pulled on his gloves and began methodically working, glad none of the ingredients were particularly strong smelling. One of the scents made his nose itch uncomfortably though and he kept bringing his hand up, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. Eventually his nasal cavities began almost hurting. What was causing it? Nothing seemed _strong_...

He pulled out the next ingredient. It was poisonous so he had to be careful. As soon as he cut in he realized it was causing the problem. _Aconite_, he thought as he sliced, then froze. Aconite. Monkshood.

Wolfsbane.

He stared down, swallowing very heavily. He--didn't know what it would do him exactly, just that it caused some issues for werewolves. It wasn't like silver. It wouldn't _kill_ him. Possibly. Or did it? He couldn't remember. It might kill him if he ingested it however he wasn't sure if it did anything else. Hopefully _smelling_ it wasn't deadly.

He glanced up at Slughorn who had his eye on Remus. He ducked his head, returning to cutting the plant, hoping his hands weren't shaking too bad. His nose was vaguely burning but it wasn't so bad he couldn't deal with it. It was sort of like the feeling he got when his mother made incredibly spicy curry once. Painful, burning, but not agony (well, not for him, his mother on the other hand had ended up sobbing and chugging milk, getting annoyed when Lyall laughed, teasing her about her Good English Tastebuds. Remus had a few tears in his eyes but wasn't as bad off as his mum).

So Remus cut, gritting his teeth, pushing past the vague burning sensation in his nose. He had to sneeze a few times which he hoped sounded casual enough. Finally he was finished with the wolfsbane, glad to get _that_ done with. He had to go dip his gloves in the cleaning solution in the back of the room to clean the residue off, and he made sure to dip them a few times just to be sure.

"Remy," whispered a voice that made him jump, nearly dropping his gloves. "Your face looks weird." It was Peter, giving him a strange look.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Your nose. It's all red. Like, a weird red."

"Oh. Err--"

"Maybe you're coming down with a cold?" Peter suggested. "You were sneezing."

Remus had the fleeting thought, _I could kiss him for that excuse_, then wanted to laugh at the absurdity. "Yes, that's probably it. I'll go to Pomfrey after. Thank you."

"Uh-huh. Um. Also..."

"Yeah?"

"You're holding up the line."

Remus jerked again, looking back at the knot of students looking a bit annoyed at the fact he was just standing there with his gloves in the potion. Oops. He mumbled an apology, taking his very clean gloves back to his table. He finished going through the rest of the plants, the burning in his nose continuing the entire time. Finally Slughorn began waddling around, inspecting each group of prepped ingredients, letting kids know what they did wrong. When he got to Remus his eyes lit up.

"Excellent job, Lupin!" He nodded, leaning back, hands patting his big belly. "Excellent job indeed. You get an O there."

"Loopy learned to cut things," he heard Snape mutter somewhere behind him.

"Any luck he'll cut himself next then," said Avery. Avery, Mulciber, and Snape all snickered.

Remus kept his chin up as he put everything away and headed out of the classroom. He wanted revenge against Mulciber and Avery for calling Lily the bad word, but now that he thought of it he figured they needed some good revenge on Snape too. He'd suggest it in a bit, first he--no, he needed to wait for his friends, _then_ he could check out his red nose. James was also in the hall and after a moment Sirius came out, then Peter. Sirius said the same thing Pete did, about his nose, and Remus mumbled he thought he had a cold.

"I'm going to go to Pomfrey, actually," he said, rubbing at his nose. It still burned a little bit though the sensation was fading.

"Want us to come?" James offered.

"No thank you, I'll catch up with you in a little bit." He headed to the hospital wing, ducking into a bathroom first. He had expected his entire nose to be red but it was mostly under and around his nostrils. He leaned in close. It almost looked speckled, like a rash. Or a burn, sort of. It was spreading out along just above his mouth. He tried rinsing it off but it still remained, still burned a little. So he went to Madame Pomfrey. He had to wait for her to deal with a couple others students before he could talk to her alone, explain to her what happened. She lit up her wand and inspected his nose closely.

"I'm not entirely sure what this does to you," she said, peering up his nostrils. "But it looks like a rash. Hold on." She fetched some cream which he slathered on his nose. It didn't seem to do much good. Nor did any of the other medicinal solutions she tried. Finally she decided the best thing to do was to just wait it out. "I don't really know anyone who knows a lot about werewolves. I don't think Diana does."

"Diana?"

"Professor Dedenne."

Remus flinched. "No, she--she d-doesn't seem to like--to know much."

Pomfrey narrowed her eyes. "She doesn't seem to what?"

"Know much. A--about werewolves," he mumbled nervously. "It's already fading a bit anyway, so I think it'll g--go away on its own. I'll b-be fine. I think. I don't feel--feel sick. Mostly just burns, and kind've itches." He clamped his lips tight as the doors opened. To his surprise, it was his friends. "I t--told you I'd be up in the dorms soon!" he complained.

"No, we need Pomfrey," Sirius said. That's when Remus realized Peter had his arms over both Sirius and James's shoulders, hopping on one foot, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Petey hurt himself falling. And by falling we mean _someone_ knocking him with a spell that sent him tumbling down a flight of stairs."

Just then the doors burst open so Mulciber and Avery could come in, both of them freezing when they saw the Gryffindors were already there. Mulciber's tongue lolled out of his mouth, so huge it looked grotesque. Avery's arms were going every which way from a jelly-arm curse.

"Oo'ooh hhhhh!" Mulciber began complaining right away.

"Sorry, what did you say?" James asked sweetly.

Mulciber went for his wand but all he could get out were ugly mumbles. Pomfrey clapped her hand, demanding they stop, sending them to different beds. First she took care of Peter whose foot stuck at an odd angle. His ankle was broken so she set it carefully then gave him some Skele-Gro.

"Chug, chug, chug, chug!" Sirius chanted quite excitedly.

"NO!" Pomfrey snapped. "You two get out, you're both fine!" She shoved Sirius and James right out the door then turned to Mulciber and Avery, taking care of their hexes while Remus tiptoed over to Peter's bed, sitting next to him. Avery complained bitterly about the Gryffindors as Pomfrey worked until she told them it wasn't her business they'd have to go to the teachers. They left, grumbling loudly.

"What happened?" Remus asked.

"Ran into them, James started a duel," Pete explained, wriggling his foot. "It's better already. Didn't you get Pepper-Up potion?"

Remus bit his bottom lip, trying to figure out the best way to answer. He hadn't figured on seeing his friends anytime soon, and had planned on insisting it was a cold. But without the steam coming out from his ears... "Errr no, it's not a cold, it's--a rash. That's all."

"From what?"

"Uh..." He shifted his weight, tugging at his sleeves. What to say? "Not sure, really, but she gave me some medicine and it's going away. It already feels better." He stared into Peter's blue eyes, begging him to believe the story, to not look too deeply into it.

Peter stared right back, then smiled. "Okay! I'm glad you're feeling better cause that looked kinda nasty."

If it had been James or Sirius he knew they'd push the question. Thank Merlin Peter was just so trusting. Pomfrey checked Peter's ankle then gave him the good-to-go. Remus helped him off the bed, letting him lean against him as they went even though he really didn't need to. James and Sirius were down the hall a little ways, and the four boys went up to the Gryffindor tower together, James telling Remus every detail of the minor duel with gusto, bragging about the nifty jelly-arms curse he managed to get on Avery, disabling his ability to shoot off a straight spell.

Remus's nose still ached for quite a while, longer than he expected it to last. Most things healed up super quick except dark magic (like his own claws). As far as he knew wolfsbane wasn't _dark_ magic. So it must have really been a vicious allergy. How come? Why specifically wolfsbane? Did it include other plants in the family? What would it do if it touched his skin? He shuddered, not wanting to think about _that_. He hadn't felt the same pull in his bones with the wolfsbane as he did with silver so was silver worse, then? Would wolfsbane kill him? These questions swirled violently in his head, one after the other, never ending, never able to be asked. He wished there was a book about the _truths_ of werewolves, everything in _exact_ detail without all the hateful myths and stereotypes.

_Maybe I should write one down the line_, he thought then bust up laughing so hard he dropped his book, not even noticing his friends' surprised stares. As if anyone would ever publish a pro-werewolf book!!

*

"We've got a brilliant prank, want to come with us this afternoon to get the stuff needed?"

Remus was awoke rather rudely on Friday morning, not even out of _bed_ yet and James was pushing his face through the curtains, eyes bright. "Uwah?"

"Is that a yes?"

Remus shook his head. "It's--too--early."

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep well." James fell onto Remus's bed, crawling closer. "I thought of it last night. We're going to make a proper visit into Hogsmeade this afternoon. Wanna come?"

"Hogs...meade?"

"Yeah! Siri and I've found some passages out of school but we've had to _watch_ them to see which ones Filch knows about and which ones he doesn't. He knows about _one_ of them. The other two seem to be good to go. Pretty sure they both lead into Hogsmeade. We went through to the end but didn't stay. So, wanna come?"

"You'll get into loads of trouble, sneaking off into Hogsmeade!" Remus argued.

James just shrugged. "I doubt the shopkeeps will care, if we're spending money. In, out, quick as a flash." His hand flew through the air as if indicating just how fast they'd be. "Y'in?"

"N--no! That's--no!" All right, so a tiny part of him wanted to. He squashed that down. Sneaking around after hours was one thing, sneaking into _Hogsmeade_ was something else entirely! Though, very technically speaking, he 'snuck' off to Hogsmeade every full moon. "You'll be caught."

"Won't," James argued. "We'll be _fine_."

Remus rubbed his eyes, glancing at James's watch to ascertain the time. Not even 7:30. "You've never gone in before? Yet?" That seemed a tad suspicious. Them finding a way into Hogsmeade and never using it.

"_Told_ you, we had to monitor the passages to see if Filch knew about them or not. I mean, it wouldn't do to go off into town only to come back and find Filch standing there! " James pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "We went _through_ them, really, thinking they were just more inter-school passages but then found they took us _out_ of school. Well, one's not into Hogsmeade _technically_\--that's the one Filchy knows about. It goes off to the mountains that way." James pointed opposite direction of Hogsmeade. "But there's one we've been watching for ages--it leads to the mountainside right by Hogsmeade--and it's clear he doesn't know about it--none of the teachers seem to. Soooo...!" His eyes sparkled brightly. "We've decided to make a go of it today. I want to get a Howler."

"A... Howler...?"

"Yup. To send to Snivellus. Siri reckons we can disguise our voices well enough. _Might_ need your help with that, though."

"I..." He wanted to go so bad. He wanted to see what Hogsmeade was like! "Good luck."

"Still a no?"

"Yeah, st--still a no, sorry." James was obviously disappointed. "M--maybe another time," Remus added. "What sort of Howler are you going to send to him?"

"A _nice_ one!" James beamed. "Instructions on how to wash one's hair. We've tried before, but he didn't seem to understand written instructions, so maybe--uhh--out loud ones--"

"Verbal?"

"Yeah, maybe herbal instructions will work." Now James snickered. "It's going to be great. All right, well, maybe next time." He pat Remus's arm and rolled out of his bed (literally rolling, doing a somersault and crashing to the floor loudly with a yelp of pain).

Remus flopped back, closing his eyes, unable to get back to sleep. Besides he had less than a half an hour left anyways. After a couple minutes he went to get ready for the day, wishing he had the courage to go off to Hogsmeade with his friends. No... it wasn't so much the courage. It was breaking trust. He kept _doing_ things that went against school rules which was going against Dumbledore--Dumbledore, who sacrificed so much for Remus to be there! He just kept doing bad things... He tried _not_ to. He _tried_ to follow the rules as best he could but part of him just got so _excited_ over doing things like pulling pranks, sneaking around, etcetera, etcetera. A little voice inside of him urged him to do this stuff, to go along with James and Sirius. His inner... whatever they'd call themselves... Mischief Misfits? They hadn't really used that name. It didn't fit. What did, though?

"You're up early." Lily was already in the Great Hall. Despite having woken Remus up early, James wasn't there, so he sat with Lily and Colgate.

"I was rudely awoken," Remus yawned, plopping down onto the bench. "Then he scarpered o-off." Actually James hadn't been in the dorm when Remus left so... where was he? Had Sirius been? He couldn't remember whether Sirius's curtains had been open or closed.

"Hey Lupin." Colgate leaned forward, her brown curls cascading down. "What's your favorite class?"

"Huh? Oh..." He frowned, trying to think. Favorite class? That... seemed confusing. Complicated. "I--I suppose... right now... Transfiguration? Maybe Charms. I--I love History but Binns is too b--boring." He thought he'd really like Defense too, with a _good_ teacher, but he wasn't about to say that. Also he mostly said Transfiguration because of Professor McGonagall. She was the best teacher. He knew from books and movies that kids often developed crushes on their teachers but he didn't think the feelings he had were a _crush_. More like a fierce adoration. She was so _kind_, and talented.

"Charms is mine," Lily said brightly. "And Potions."

"Charms and Astronomy are mine," Colgate said. "I wish we had Astronomy more than once a week."

"I guess we all agree Flitwick's a great teacher though," said Lily. "Err--not saying the others _aren't_..."

"Except Binns," Colgate put in and Lily nodded.

"And--" Remus stopped, not wanting to say Dedenne's name. They both looked at him curiously. "Who would even s--say that B-B-Binns is their favorite?"

"Anyone who takes naps!" laughed Colgate, sending Lily and Remus into giggles as well. "I wonder who the _other_ teachers are..."

They all looked at the High Table, at the Unknown Ones. That raggedy man Remus saw in the night before his birthday who was currently stabbing at a piece of sausage with the hook at the end of his arm. There was also a very tall willowy grey-haired Chinese woman, a shorter, muscular woman who usually wore a beehive hairdo and cats-eye glasses, a scruffy sort of elderly black wizard who was often talking to the woman with the beehive hairdo, a sort of nondescript middle-aged wizard who looked perfectly average in every way, an Indian woman who always wore beautifully colored headscarves under her hats, a very round grey-haired man whose laugh was very loud, a rather elderly dark-skinned woman who often was seen talking to herself, and then finally a very young witch with long black hair who really didn't seem to be much older than the seventh years.

There were too many teachers for the electives, Remus knew that much.

"The one with the hook is Professor Kettleburn," Colgate said. "He teaches Care of Magical Creatures. I know that much. My father used to be friends with him, before he passed away. My father I mean. Obviously." She gave a nervous sort of laugh at that then said quickly, cutting into the awkward silence just as it began, "I'm not sure about the others."

"The very young witch is Professor Vector," Inkwood said. "She's assisting in the Arithmancy department. She and my sister knew each other. She's only nineteen."

"I'm excited for when we get more classes," Lily said, perking up quite a bit. "It's going to be so fun. I read about them in _Hogwarts, A History_. Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy, Divination, Muggle Studies, and Study of Ancient Runes."

"I _love_ animals so I am definitely taking Magical Creatures," Colgate said. "We're supposed to take two, though it's not mandatory."

"I've no idea what I'll pick," sighed Lily. "At least we won't have to decide for another _year_. What are you thinking about, Remus?"

"I'm thinking about what--" He quickly stopped before he could finish with, _James could possibly be up to_, as he realized she meant what he thought about electives, not what he was actually thinking in that moment. "--c--uh, c-classes I--I might take and--honestly I'm n-not so sure. Study of Ancient Runes s--sounds really fun though."

"Fun?" Colgate asked a little disbelievingly.

"It does," Lily agreed then laughed as Colgate wrinkled her nose up. "It _does_!"

"Sure, studying a really complicated, dead language is quite the riot."

"It isn't dead," Remus argued. "It's used all the time, still. It's just... uncommon."

Lily nodded in agreement. "I've seen loads of books in the library that were written in runes. I'd _love_ to be able to read them. We should take Ancient Runes together."

Remus smiled. "I'd l--like that."

Well that was one class probably chosen. He didn't have to worry about it until next year, as they didn't pick until the end of their second year. He sort of wanted to take _all_ the classes. Was that feasible? He hoped it was. He was sure he could talk to McGonagall about it when the time came to start deciding, and if he couldn't take them all well... well... he'd figure it out then. Probably Ancient Runes then whatever class the other boys wanted to take, since he hoped they'd still be friends when the time came and wanted to be in as many classes with them as possible.


	72. Chapter Seventy-One - He Had It Coming

Peter wound up hanging out with Remus in the library after Defense Against the Dark Arts, since James and Sirius went off to Hogsmeade. Which would have been fine except he mostly doodled, daydreamed, and complained about being bored. So after just about fifteen minutes they left to find something else to do. Remus _wanted_ to study however because Peter did not he figured they might as well go do something they'd both enjoy. They went outside, since the sun was shining warmly. There was quite a cold chill in the air but they just bundled up a little extra then ran off onto the grounds, down to the lake where they skipped stones and told jokes. Peter also brought his camera, taking several pictures.

"These are really good," Remus said as he sat on his cloak, going through an album Pete had put together. Some were just generic photos of the four boys however most were very artsy sort of photographs. The sun shining through some branches, a colorful sunset reflecting off the lake, an owl mid-flight into the night sky... There was a really good one of Sirius looking out the dorm window with the full moon behind him, though it also made Remus shudder a little bit, as if a picture of the full moon could seep out and pull the wolf to the surface.

"They're okay," Peter mumbled, sitting next to him.

"No, honest, they're terrific." A bright pink flower they had harvested in Herbology in January. Peter had set his against the snow to take a picture of it. "You've got a great eye."

Peter blushed brilliantly red. "Th--thank you. It's silly--"

"No! It's awesome. I could never do this."

"It's easy..." But Peter looked even more pleased, going even redder somehow.

"Pete, my pictures would probably all turn out as blurry closeups of my thumb or something," Remus said causing Peter to laugh. Remus turned the page to see a really good photo of him, Sirius, and James. It was the day they skipped class. "Please tell me you've got James falling."

"I did that one the magical way." Peter turned the page and they both bust up laughing watching as James flourished his arms then fell out of the tree. "I can make copies if you like."

"Please!" Remus wheezed out. "Oh Merlin's beard, yes." That's when he realized most the other pictures had been done the Muggle way. "How come they're not all moving?"

Peter shrugged. "I dunno. I like the Muggle way more, really. Like... I don't have to worry about the before or the after, it's just that one second. Like this one..." He pointed at one of Remus walking along the corridors with his nose in a book, a picture Remus had no memory of ever being taken. "You tripped a few seconds after I took the picture. I like it like this. Not you tripping."

Remus felt quite warm. "Well, thank y--"

"But _here_...!" He flipped through. "This one's funny." Another one of Remus walking with his nose in a book except this one he ran straight into a wall. The picture-Remus flailed a moment, nearly falling, somehow managing not to.

"Thanks," Remus said, this time flatly. Though it was kinda funny. Sorta. Maybe.

"Sirius wanted a copy of that one."

"Wh--what?!" Remus looked up in horror. "You didn't." Peter averted his gaze, chewing at his bottom lip. "Fine then, give me a copy of whatever--whatever embarrassing thing you've got Sirius doing."

"I--don't really have any," Peter admitted. "He rarely falls over or runs into things or anything like that. The only embarrassing things he ever seems to do are things he does on purpose soooo it's not really _embarrassing_-embarrassing."

Remus reluctantly had to agree with him on that. While he, Pete, and James all had their clumsy moments (him a lot more so than the others) Sirius just seemed _graceful_ which was another super unfair thing about him in addition to his perfect hair. That's probably why he and James got away with so much. They pulled pranks, but they were both so good-looking and charming that nobody seemed to really care that much. At least, he figured James was good-looking. Was he? He knew Sirius was, he could tell that easily. He supposed James was too. He hadn't really thought of that before.

"What d'you think they're doing right now?" Pete asked, bringing Remus out of his daydream.

"Probably trying to talk their way out of a shopkeeper wanting to turn them into McGonagall."

"Yeah... that'd be awful... being transfigured into your Transfiguration teacher..."

Remus frowned. "No I meant--" Then he stopped seeing Peter's lips twitching, and the two collapsed back with laughter. "That was a good one!" Peter put up his hand. It took Remus a second then he obligingly gave Pete a high five.

The wind picked up a few minutes, the chill starting to get through their clothes, so the two of them got up to head back into the castle. They walked in, talking to each other, not really paying attention. Then Peter tripped, landing flat on his face. Laughter. Remus helped Peter back up, glowering at Mulciber and Avery who were nearby. Avery had stuck his leg out.

"Where's the other two idiots?" Mulciber asked while Avery twirled his wand. "Or are poor widdle Pokey and Loopy _alone_?"

Before they could react Avery shot off a spell. Remus's legs locked together and he began wheeling his arms to stop himself from falling down. Peter grabbed at him to keep him upright but Avery hit him with the jelly-arms curse and it became very difficult. Remus lost balance, crashing back onto his butt painfully, head jerking back a bit.

"Rosodorus!" Remus had gotten his wand out, arm blurring a bit as he flourished it, hitting Avery with what had become one of his personal favorites. Avery began sneezing the rose petals as Mulciber put the jelly-legs curse on Peter, making him staggering everywhere. Remus shot the spell at Mulciber who easily danced away, laughing.

"Roserus!" Mulciber tried to copy, failing completely. "Roseradus!"

"Locomotor wibbly!" Peter tried but with his arms and legs going everywhere the spell just shot way over Mulciber's head.

Avery tried using a spell but kept sneezing, cutting him off. Remus put up a shield as Mulciber gave up on the sneezing one and instead went for something Remus had never heard of, except part of it sounded like 'sang' which could easily refer to sanguis. Blood. Though he doubted Mulciber could pull it off. Both Slytherins seemed to have a penchant for using spells they couldn't do.

"You're such a _baby_, Loopy!" Mulciber decided to taunt since his spells weren't hitting Remus anymore. "You two do know Barmy and Pratty don't even _like_ you, right? They just keep you two around to make themselves look better. Who could like a waddling pathetic lump of stupidity like _you_?" He went over and gave Peter a great big shove, sending him back into the wall. "Or a little sick crybaby lunatic like _you_?" He kicked at Remus quite hard. Remus tried rolling away but that just meant Mulciber's foot hit his back which hurt _bad_. Remus cried out in pain, continuing his roll so his back was away from Mulciber. He gripped at his wand, waiting for Mulciber to be distracted so he could remove the leg locker curse from himself. "Plus you're both _halfies_." Mulciber spit on Remus. "Muggle _cow_ for a mother!" He then spit on Peter. "Muggle _slime_ for a father!"

"D-d-d-don't you say anything about my--my father!" Peter cried out, jerking forward. His wobbly legs couldn't handle it, sending him down on his face. Mulciber and Avery both laughed, Avery still sneezing.

"Are your magical parents _so_ pathetic they couldn't convince a proper witch or wizard to marry them?" Mulciber continued. "Or are they into animals, wanting to mate with a Muggle _beast?_"

"SHUT--UP!" Peter screamed causing Mulciber to laugh harder.

Remus's legs sprang apart as he managed to get the curse off. The wolf was _raging_ inside, especially at the beast comment. He wanted to physically attack Mulciber, sink fangs and claws into his flesh tearing him to pieces. He had to concentrate, push himself out of that darkness. It raged inside, digging in as he fought back until he felt something _snap_ inside and a coldness went through him, the wolf shrinking back. Now he focused as hard as he could, never having done this spell on anything so heavy.

"FLIPENDO!"

Mulciber went _flying_. He was flung back through the air--several feet off the ground!--spinning twice, then crashed hard into the far wall with a loud thudding sound. Avery stared in disbelief while Peter's jaw dropped. Mulciber, just a heap on the floor now, moaned in pain then went still. Remus jerked his wand towards Avery who just took off running, leaving a trail of rose petals behind him.

Remus grabbed Peter, pulling him through the school, constantly hauling him back up from his jelly-legs curse. It reminded him a little bit of the movie version of a book he loved, _The Wizard of Oz_, when Dorothy kept having to pull the Scarecrow back up as they went down the yellow brick road.

"Holy _hippogriffs_, Remy!" Peter gasped out as they went up a flight of steps, heading towards the hospital wing. "How did--you just--whoa! That was incredible! That was--your nose!"

Remus knew his nose started bleeding. He could feel it dripping down his lips, taste it, smell it. "C-c-com-c-co--come--co--c..." He stopped, swaying a bit as if he were the one jellified. His vision got swimmy. It felt a little like when he used the activation spell on the doorway for the Bat-Bogey Hex only not quite as bad. "I don't--feel... goo... good..." He sank down to the floor, too weak to move. Blood drops fell on his trousers. Without Remus to help him stay up Peter fell to the ground as well. "You g--get to Pomfrey but--but don't t-tell her about me. I'll be okay. I d--don't want her knowing I overexerted myself with magic."

"But what if it, um, makes you go into a relapse?" Peter asked, forehead wrinkled.

Remus managed a small smile. "It won't. I'll be all right." He finally lifted his arm, wiping the blood from his face. "You go get those curses taken off. I'll wait here."

Peter wobbled off leaving Remus by himself. Once Peter disappeared, Remus began wiping at his nose wondering why it had started bleeding. It seemed strange to get random nosebleeds... It wasn't from using such a strong spell because he was sure the nosebleed started before, besides he hadn't gotten one after the activation on the door thing. The other nosebleed was ages ago in Potions class, he remembered James noticing and getting worried. He looked at the blood smeared on his robes. The bleeding had stopped by this point... but what _caused_ it?

He heard some students walking towards him so he got a book out of his bag, pretending to read. They didn't give him a second glance as they passed. Once they were gone he put the book back, looking down towards where Peter had gone. It took him quite a lot of time to come back and once he did Remus was feeling better. Peter apologized as Remus got up, stating it had taken him time since it had been difficult walking to the hospital wing. Remus promised he felt better which sent a look of relief across Pete's face.

"You were brilliant though," Pete started again as they headed to the Great Hall. It was nearly suppertime. "You sent him absolutely flying. I didn't know you could do that!"

"I didn't either, to be honest." Remus glanced down at the blood all over him then just took off his robes which had the most red. He had some on his trousers but it wasn't too noticeable. "I just thought I might be able to push him over or something at most."

Peter's eyes sparkled with adoration. "No, you were _amazing_. You could become a duelist!" They took some seats at the Gryffindor table, voices dropping a bit since there were several students peppered around the room studying. "Honest, if Dedenne wasn't such an absolute bent broomstick you'd be top in Defense."

"M... maybe..."

"You think we'll have a new teacher next year? For Defense? I bet if we do you'll get to the top. Blimey, I can't wait to tell James and Sirius about this, they're gonna go wild that they missed it. Shame they weren't there."

"If they had been there, it wouldn't have happened," Remus pointed out.

Pete's face fell a little. "Ah, true. Still. I could never do that." He began scratching the tabletop with one fingernail while Remus pulled out books, stacking them in front of him. "You think it matters?"

"What?" Remus asked, quite confused. "That you can't do that? No, you're talented in other ways. Like photography, and Potions--"

Peter shook his head. "N-no. Not that. I mean--" He began digging his nail in harder then flinched, bringing his finger to his mouth to suck. "I think I got a splinter." Remus held out his hand. Peter blinked then put his hand in Remus's, who hadn't even thought about this contact until it happened. He felt a little twist inside of him, but nothing more.

He inspected Peter's finger, seeing the little bit of wood sticking out. "Let me try this." He got his wand out, aiming carefully. "Locomotor splinter." He wasn't sure if it would work or if he'd make it worse, but the splinter twitched a bit (causing Pete to whimper), sticking out a little bit more. "Ermm..." He glanced around now, seeing a couple of older girls nearby. "Um, exc--excuse me. D--do either of you--could either of you--um--my f-friend's g--got a splinter..."

The two girls looked at him and Remus realized the blonde was the one he had run into a while ago after talking to McGonagall, the one who had called him adorable. The black girl took Peter's hand, looking closely. "I can get it." She had long nails that easily pinched the end of the splinter, pulling it out.

"Kiss it, make it better," teased the blonde making Peter go brilliantly red.

The other girl snorted. "You kiss it, if you're so keen."

"Um--" Peter began then suddenly the blonde took his hand and placed a kiss on his finger. Pete made a choking sound.

"There, all healed up," she giggled, letting go.

Peter kept making choking sounds, looking like he might pass out. The two girls just giggled more. Remus swept his books back into his bag, grabbing Peter's arm, pulling him off the bench. "Th-tha-th--thanks."

The blonde winked at him. "Anytime."

Remus hauled Peter out of the Great Hall, pulling him down a side corridor where Peter leaned back against the wall. His face (which had gone an even deeper red) was focused on his finger. He still made those choking sounds.

"Um, are you okay?" Remus asked, afraid his friend had gone into some sort of shock.

"I... am never... washing this finger again..."

Remus made a face. "That's dis_gusting_." He halfway wanted to take Peter to the bathroom and make him wash his hand right then and there. Actually, it was _very_ tempting. Peter just kept staring at his finger like it was made of gold or something. "Hello?" Remus waved his hand in front of his face.

Peter blinked a few times. "Ooh. S--sorry. Just... I can't believe she just... just... _kissed_ my finger like that. Who is she?"

"I don't know," he replied a tad grouchily. What was so great about someone's spit on your finger? Just seemed gross. "So, um, what were you saying? Earlier? About it mattering?"

His hand dropped down. "I guess not mattering wasn't the right way of saying it. Only... what Mulciber said... sometimes... I kinda feel that way." He tilted his head back against the wall, his mousy brown hair sticking up in the back. "About James and Sirius. Wanting me around just because it makes them look better..."

Remus sucked in some air, doubting just saying 'you're wrong' would work. He had to find the right words. "I don't believe that's true." Even that wasn't enough, clearly. Suspicion filled Peter's face. "Sometimes I feel the same way you do."

That seemed to work. Peter's head jerked down, eyes huge. "You're so _smart_ though."

"Doesn't change the fact I feel like that. Maybe I am smart but--I've got a _lot_ of flaws." His heart went a little faster. _More flaws than you'll ever know_. "I guess it's just easier for people like us to see our own flaws more than our--our qualities. Or for them to be... overblown in our own minds. Like, I don't think of you as stupid or anything. You're nice, you're funny, you're a great person. You're _very_ artistic, apparently." Remus ran his fingers through his hair rather anxiously. "You're--you're my friend. And... I think... James is really the sort of person to make it obvious whether he likes or dislikes someone. I don't think he'd fake a friendship just to make himself look better."

Peter now rubbed his arm, giving little huffy sounds as if debating whether or not to believe Remus. "I guess you're right. He is pretty... ummmm... loud about the people he doesn't like. What about Sirius?"

"I... don't know. He's more of an enigma."

"An en-whata? Remy, you might not think I'm stupid but that doesn't mean I know weird words like that."

"A mystery. He's a mystery. But I don't think he'd fake a friendship either." He thought back to Sirius insulting Peter behind his back, only that had been ages ago and Sirius hadn't really done anything like that recently as far as Remus knew.

"Can you keep a secret?"

Now Remus smiled. "I can definitely keep a secret." It took a lot of effort not to just laugh.

"I feel better about myself when I'm with you guys," Peter whispered. "Does that sound dumb?"

"No," Remus replied without hesitation. "I understand that feeling completely. I think I'm the same way." He hadn't thought too deeply on that sort of idea however it seemed right. He had changed a lot since becoming their friend. He felt more... human... with them. "I... really don't know what I'd do without the three of you." He felt a sharp stabbing pain in his stomach knowing that one day he would have to find out. When they got too close, when their questions couldn't be fobbed off, when they pushed, pushed, pushed him to the edge.

"I dunno what I woulda done either. Erm, just--don't tell either of them any of this..."

Remus promised he wouldn't as they headed back to the Great Hall. He peered in, seeing the two girls still sitting there. So when they went in, they sat at the end of the table near the doors. Peter wanted to go back to where they had been but Remus didn't really want to sit near them. Soon supper began appearing across the tables though James and Sirius remained missing. Remus and Peter ate, cheerfully talking about various things. Peter started trying to tell jokes whenever Remus took a drink to see if he could get him to spit his water out. The only thing he managed to make Remus do was snort a little, getting water up his nose.

Even though they finished eating fairly early, Remus stayed till near 6 then, as he slid his robes back on, asked Pete if he'd like to come to the library since their friends _still_ weren't back. Peter mulled this over then decided against it.

"I--don't know if I really belong in that study group," he admitted. "But thanks."

Remus gave Pete a pat on the back before heading off to the library having completely forgotten the nosebleed earlier. Mr. Farrow stared at him when he went in. Remus frowned, feeling uncomfortable at the stare. He kept going, reaching the usual study table. Silverlocke--the only one there so far--now stared at him.

"Is th--there food on m-my face?" Remus asked as he slid into his usual seat.

"No," Silverlocke replied a little uneasily, "however there is blood on your clothes. Are you all right?"

_Oops, that's right, that's why I had them off._ _"_Er, ah, y--yeah..." Remus quickly pulled his robes off once more, bunching them up next to him. "Nosebleed earlier, th--that's all."

"Nothing at all to do with Avery storming around the common room, ranting about how some Gryffindors needed to get their own?" Silverlocke asked with a smirk.

Remus ducked his head down. "You know him, he-he hates us."

"True." Silverlocke toyed with the end of his pale blonde ponytail, his pale blue eyes full of amusement. "It seems Mulciber got a concussion. I... cannot say he doesn't _deserve_ it, he probably brought it on himself with how he acts."

"R--right. Did Avery say anything a-about that?"

Silverlocke merely shrugged. "No, just complained about Gryffindors is all."

Then others started showing up. Bones (letting them know Pierce wouldn't be joining them that night), Buckling and Craft, then finally Lily and Twycross. As everyone got settled--opening their books, smoothing parchment out--Remus glanced around the table. He had just realized he still had a stutter with this group. The only ones he could talk to without issue where James, Sirius, Peter, and Lily. Sometimes Professor McGonagall (did she count? as a teacher?). He wished he could stop, could control his voice. He _knew_ this group. He'd been studying with them for even longer than he'd been friends with the others! So why did he have this trouble? All right so he didn't know them as _well_ as he did his four friends, but still.

When Buckling asked him a question he was slow to respond, trying to form the words without stuttering only it didn't work so instead of not stuttering he was stuttering while talking slowly. Craft rolled his eyes which made it even worse, and Remus gave up trying.


	73. Chapter Seventy-Two - The Marauders

Remus and Peter were stretched out on Peter's bed, sharing a pile of candy-coated chocolate drops (occasionally throwing them at one another) when James and Sirius finally returned about an hour past curfew. They ran in, huge smiles on their faces, bags full of stuff they bought. They both began talking at once, trying to tell them all about Hogsmeade until James realized Spinnet and Struthers were in the dorm as well. So they piled onto Peter's bed, yanking the curtains shut to help quiet their voices.

"It's _amazing_ there!" James whispered. "Oh man, wait till you see Honeydukes it's absolutely..." He put his fingers to his lips then spread them out as he made a kissing sound. "But _Zonko's_! Merlin's beard!" He opened his bag, dumping a mixture of pranks and candy out onto the bed. "I got you these." He handed them each a wrapped chocolate bar from Honeydukes. Not really bars, but small slabs of chocolate shaped like the Gryffindor crest.

"There's this pub called the Three Broomsticks which we went into. The barmaid accused us of being first years sneaking out though we managed to convince her we were second years and already thirteen," laughed Sirius. "Plus Jimmy gave her a big tip after we bought some butterbeer."

"That reminds me, I got you these too." James pulled out two bottles of butterbeer, plonking them into their laps. "They're nothing like hot butterbeer in a mug though. You've got to sneak in with us sometime."

"Yeah good luck convincing anyone _I'm_ thirteen," Remus said as he unwrapped the chocolate. "I don't even look twe--" He stopped when he took a bite of the chocolate. "Good _God_ this is good!"

"Honeydukes finest," Sirius said with a wink.

"There's also this _incredible_ clothes store!" With that James pulled out a bright, multi-colored paisley print shirt with the pointiest collar Remus had ever seen. "Which reminds me, I got you these." He fished out two pairs of socks, tossing them at his friends. "Siri and I got some too. We can all match." They were all Gryffindor motif. James's were gold and scarlet striped, Sirius's were grey with the Gryffindor badge at the tops, Peter's were red with little gold lion paw prints all over them, and Remus's were red and gold plaid print.

"I got a shirt too," Sirius said and pulled out a dark crimson-and-gold paisley print. Also with a super pointy collar. "Oh, and there's this enormous bookstore you'll like, Remy," he added, grinning at him. Remus shook his head though wondered just _how_ big. Then his heart practically stopped as Sirius went on with, "We also got to see this super haunted house. It's not even been there a year and it's _very_ haunted. Not like the ghosts here. Like, creepy haunted."

"Peeves kind've haunted?" Peter asked.

"Worse," James said gravely. "I guess it's full of the souls of the damned or something like that. Anyone who goes in could be _killed_." With that Peter squeaked, dropping his chocolate. James laughed.

"_We_ tried to get in but it's all blocked off," Sirius sighed. "Plus we didn't really have very much time to actually properly _try_. We'll try again though. I want to see what's inside."

Remus swallowed his mouthful of chocolate which now tasted bitter. "D--did you get the Howler?" he asked, trying to steer the conversation away from _his_ house. Full of his wreckage. Full of his blood.

"Ooh! Yes!" James clapped his hands then carefully pulled out a bright scarlet envelope wrapped in cellophane. "It's easy to do. We'll just need to make our voices different. I need to write out exactly what I want to say, make sure it's good." He put the Howler back in his bag, giggling like a madman. "It's going to be _great_!"

"So, how was your day?" Sirius pushed his hair back, a sort of smile that made Remus think they had been bored without the two of them.

Peter and Remus exchanged looks, going right into their plan of what to say. "Well, we hung out by the lake for a while," Peter said, tapping his chin like he was trying to think. "Course we had supper. Remus went to the library while I stayed here then we just talked before you got here, nothing too exciting." James and Sirius nodded, as if that's what they expected. "Did anything else happen?" Pete asked Remus.

"Errrrrmmm..." Remus squinted, pretending like he was trying to remember. "I'm not really sure."

Peter let out a sigh. "Yeah, that's about it. Oh right, Remus gave Mulciber a concussion. And then I got a splinter."

"Wait, _what_?!" James shrieked.

"I got a splinter," Peter replied with an innocent smile. James and Sirius looked gobsmacked. Remus tried so hard not to just laugh at their faces.

"Mulciber?" James asked.

"Concussion?" Sirius asked.

"Ooh, right, that happened too," Remus said, inspecting his fingernails, forcing back the laughter.

"W--wh--what _happened_?!" Sirius demanded.

Remus finally gave in to the giggles which sent Peter off too. They collapsed back, trying not to laugh too loudly for a moment before they were able to calm down enough to answer. "Mulciber and Avery attacked us, insulted our parents, and I used the knockback jinx on him."

"He sent him _flying_!" Peter flung his hand through the air to indicate. "Whooosh! He spun! In the air! Like, ten times--"

"Twice," Remus interjected quickly.

"--and he WHUUMPH!" Peter slammed his fist into his hand. "Right into the ground. Remus found out at study group that Mulciber got a concussion from it. Merlin, it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen! I wish I had gotten a picture of it."

Remus couldn't help but feel a rather delicious sort of victorious feeling as James and Sirius both looked jealous over missing such an event. The pleasure disappeared very quickly the next day, however, when at breakfast Professor McGonagall asked to see the four of them in her office. She looked as though she had a headache. If Mulciber and Avery snitched on them, he was prepared to tell McGonagall every single thing they said and did to them. Except once they all sat down it wasn't Remus she looked at, it was Sirius.

"Mr. Black, yesterday Mr. Mulciber of Slytherin ended up in the hospital wing with a rather nasty head wound." She linked her fingers, eyes glued on him. "He says you did it."

"Wh--what?" Sirius gaped at their teacher then glanced sideways towards Remus. "I didn't. I didn't even know anything about it--"

"Mr. Avery has confirmed Mr. Mulciber's testament," McGonagall continued, ignoring Sirius. "Now, they claim you and Mr. Potter ambushed them which I don't quite believe. I just need to get your side of the story."

"I--I don't have a side to the story." Sirius's voice faltered, his eyes huge. "I wasn't there."

"Neither was I!" James protested. "They're nothing but filthy liars!"

"P-P-Professor--"

"Mr. Lupin, please wait until I've asked you. If you weren't there then where were you?"

Sirius opened and shut his mouth, unable to tell her. He easily had an alibi. Multiple shopkeepers in Hogsmeade had seen him and James. He just couldn't give his alibi, because then they'd probably be in even worse trouble. "In--in my dorm. With James."

"P--Professor--"

"Mr. Lupin--"

Remus swallowed, hands shaking violently as he just went on. "He di--d-d-didn't do it, I--I did." He pulled at the hem of his jumper, sweat forming in his armpits. "I w-w-was with Pe--Pete and--and Mulciber and Avery th--they ambushed _us_. They--they made f-fun of us. Called us names b--because of our blood. We... dueled..." Remus lowered his head, hem twisting around his fingers. "I--I negated Avery b--but Mulciber got me down..." He took in a deep, gulping breath of air. "He insulted m--my mother. I g--got mad. I used the knockback j-jinx on him. Sirius wasn't th-there. Anywhere n-near us. N-neither was James I--... I don't know wh-why they're accusing them." Except he did. He may have been known as the smart one in the group however he was puny. It was probably embarrassing to Mulciber that someone as small as him got the upper hand. Of course they'd blame Sirius and James.

McGonagall leaned back, drumming her fingers against her desk. "Mr. Pettigrew was there?" she asked. Pete and Remus both nodded. "That's interesting since the time it happened I know for a fact Mr. Pettigrew was in the hospital wing."

"That happened after!" Peter squeaked. "Mulciber got us then I went to the hospital wing _after_. To get rid of the curses Mulciber and Avery put on _me_!"

"Th--they must be lying about the t-t-time," Remus muttered. "Or forgot the precise time."

McGonagall now removed her glasses, sighing deeply. "This is a conundrum. Your side of the story seems most likely however I cannot just assume you're telling the truth merely because you're _my_ students. You two don't have anyone else to back up your location?" She glanced over at the other two boys who miserably shook their heads. "Both their side and yours states two of you were fighting, that much is clear, so twenty points total from Gryffindor for that either way, though from who exactly I cannot say. As for detention, two nights of it..." She slipped her glasses back on as the muscles in her jaws tightened. "I honestly don't know what to do. I suppose since Mr. Lupin confessed I must give it to him."

"That isn't fair!" Sirius spat out. "He was defending himself!"

"He severely injured Mr. Mulciber, if he's telling the truth," she replied.

"Is Mulciber getting detention?" James asked.

"His punishment is not my decision."

James folded his arms. "Sooooo that's a big fat no."

"Mr. Potter, are you insinuating Professor Slughorn isn't fair?" McGonagall gave him a cold stare.

"Uh, _yeah_!" James hunched over, face very stormy as he said, "Mulciber cracked open Remus's skull a couple months ago'n more or less got away with it."

McGonagall's eyes narrowed. "I see. It seems Mr. Lupin cracked Mr. Mulciber's skull open. So that is fifteen points--not ten--and a third detention for Mr. Lupin? To be fair?"

James winced a little, shrinking back. "Er, no--that's not what I was meaning at all..."

Remus swung his head back to McGonagall, feeling quite aghast. Was she going to do that? He figured he _deserved_ it but _three_ nights of detention??? Thankfully she gave a thin-lipped smile. "As I thought. We'll keep the original ten points with two detentions."

Remus's shoulders slumped in relief. After McGonagall dismissed them, James kept trying to apologize to Remus for nearly getting him in worse trouble. Sirius, on the other hand, was absolutely livid that Mulciber would blame him. He also admitted he was surprised Remus confessed which confused Remus. Why wouldn't he? He didn't want Sirius to get in trouble for something _he_ did, and he said so.

Sirius shrugged. "Still, thanks. Course I know you hate detention so I probably should have accepted it--"

"Don't be daft," Remus grumbled. "S'my fault. It's worth it, anyhow." Sirius reached over, messing up Remus's hair. Remus glared a bit as he tried to smooth it back down.

"Hey, Gryffindor team has practice soon, you two wanna come with us?" James asked, checking his watch. "We can work out our revenge against Mulciberk later. It's gonna be a good one. Practice, I mean. We've got our last game in only a month so we're really cracking down."

"We?" Sirius asked, lips twitching. "You on the team already there, Jimsy?"

James elbowed him. "Might as _well_ be! Tanner says I should be a reserve. Bell says next year I'm pretty much a shoo-in. Not as a reserve. You know how rare it is for a second year to join a team properly and _not_ as a reserve? But they all say I'm awesome so..." Remus knew they sometimes let James join the practices, as long as Hooch wasn't around. James began counting off his fingers. "May, June, July, August, September. Five months. I can't wait to get my broom this summer."

"Didja make a decision yet?" Peter asked eagerly.

"Maybe? I have a couple in mind. But the BlueFire 3 _might_ be coming out this summer so I might get that, depending. The magazines have some specs for it and man it's gonna be top, top, top. However, it might not be till next year. I'll get it when it comes out either way."

"A new broom this year and one next year?" Remus couldn't help but ask. Just how rich were the Potters?!

James shoved his glasses back up the bridge of the nose. "Yeah? Honestly Dad's thinking about buying new brooms for the whole Gryffindor team as a gift next term buuuut Mum thinks that might look bad on the year I join, you know, make it look like I bought my way on? Especially cause I'm so young. So that might not be till '73. That way everyone can see I got on _solely_ because of my _talent_. Anyway, if the BlueFire doesn't come out I might get a StarShooter or a Nimbus 1705."

Peter gave a bit of a gasp. "StarShooters are super expensive!!"

"Yeah," James said a bit dreamily. "Imagine bringing one of those babies out on the field in front of the Slytherins..." James went into this long ramble about Quidditch and brooms with mostly went over Remus's head. He sort of phased out for a moment then heard intensity in James's voice. "...own line of brooms," James was saying. Since he missed the first bit, he asked James to repeat himself, hoping it wouldn't be as jargon-filled as the first time. "Oh! I was just saying after I graduate I'm going to get on the British Quidditch team--_maybe_ one of the minor league teams instead if there aren't any good spots open at first but eventually on the national team. Then after I've played professionally for a while I want to start my own line of brooms. Imagine a line of brooms specially done for Hogwarts house colors! Like, top of the line brooms and you can get them in our colors!"

"_All_ the house colors?" Remus inquired.

James looked a little sheepish. "Yeah, I guess so. I could probably put prankish spells on the Slytherin ones. Chuck'em off or something." He snickered at that image. "Or not, I mean I'd want it to be properly _top notch_. Professional Quidditch line of brooms. Remus, you could work for me since you're better at Charms than I am so you can take care of all the spell stuff."

Remus raised his eyebrows high at that. "Wow, how magnanimous of you."

"I know, right?" James asked with a beam, missing the sarcasm which made Remus roll his eyes. Sirius was grinning and winked at Remus, having caught his meaning.

"It's so cool you know what you're doing after school, that you've got it all planned out," Peter said in an awed manner. "I've no clue what _I'm_ going to do."

"We have a few years until we need to think about it anyway," Sirius said. "I wouldn't worry about it right now."

"So no plans for you?" James inquired.

"I dunno. I mean, an auror sounds fun--taking down the dark wizards..." Sirius trailed off, sounding a little strange as he said it. Remus wondered if it was because of his family being dark. Did it make him feel weird about wanting to take them down... or were they _why_ he wanted to do it? "But working for the Ministry is major Dullsville, even as an auror. So I don't know. What about you, Remy?"

"Errrr... I d--"

"Probably a teacher," James put in before Remus could answer. "Lecturing all day. Replace Binns, that'd do everyone a favor."

_Teaching History would be an incredible job._ "That would be--fun," he admitted.

"Fun?!" Sirius got out. "How the bloody hell is teaching _History_ fun?! That's the most boring thing in the universe."

"I--I don't know. It could be fun. More engaging. We could dress up. Do mock battles. Reenact famous duels."

James burst into laughter. "You've actually put thought into this, haven't you? Have we stumbled upon your secret fantasy? Professor Lupin?"

"Sh--shut up, don't call me that!" Remus protested, going red. "_No_! While it _could_ be fun I c-could never be a teacher. I don't have the patience." _Plus the fact I'm not human and if Dumbledore hired me on it would be the biggest disaster in the world and I'd probably end up at the Ministry in two seconds_.

"Yeah you get mad when _we_ don't do our homework," Peter joked. "Imagine having an entire class not doing their homework." Remus made a face at that.

"So we've got a Quidditch player, a auror, a teacher, annnnd..." James spun around, walking backwards to face Peter. "You need something."

"Not a teacher," Remus mumbled but James ignored him.

"Not an auror," Sirius put in firmly. "Not for the Ministry at any rate."

"A freelance auror?" Remus asked with interest. Did those exist?

Sirius's face lit up. "Oooh, yes, I like that!" He spread his hands through the air as he dramatically said, "Sirius Black: Private Auror."

"If your pocket is willing, he'll do the killing," James said sending them all into such hard laughter they had to collapse down into a seat nearby. Some paintings gave them annoyed looks.

"That makes me sound like a--a--an assassin!" Sirius choked out, clutching his sides. That just made them laugh even harder.

As Remus tried to breathe, he thought, _I wish Pete had his camera to capture this moment forever_. The four of them laughing, falling against one another. He wasn't sure why this moment in particular just seemed to make him feel so happy inside but it did. It wasn't just the joke, it was--was--just _everything_. He felt so connected to them, he realized. He had been for a while but for some reason this made him see just how much he cared about them, how much they meant to him. Perhaps it was his talk with Peter the previous day that started it. _They're my friends. Not just friends but FRIENDS_, he thought as he managed to finally take in several gulps of air, wiping the tears off his cheeks. He quickly pushed aside any dark thoughts of losing them, the inevitable end to their friendship. He'd just stay in the moment--or try to. It was difficult for him not to be constantly panicked about the future, anxious about how things were going to be down the line. But he didn't want to think about that. He just wanted his friends.

James hopped off the seat, staggering a bit, saying something about going outside. Sirius had to help Peter to his feet while Remus got up, brushing the dust off his ratty jeans. He thought back to the first night in Hogwarts, hearing James and Sirius staying up, promising they'd be friends forever. He remembered wondering what that'd be like. He'd never be able to promise the 'forever' part but until then that's what it felt like. They were _friends_. They were... they were...

A word similar to the one James used wrapped itself around Remus's brain with a perfect _yes_ sort of feeling, then flittered off before it could take hold.

"What did you say?"

"I said let's go outside and do some maraudering," James said cheerfully. "That's the one you used the other day, innit? Pirates and raiding?"

"Um, marauding..." he mumbled, barely paying attention.

"Oh, whoops!" laughed James. "Close enough."

"What's wrong?" Pete asked as Remus frowned, brow furrowing.

He held up a finger, closing his eyes until the word came back to him like an angel holding out a heavenly scroll inside his head. "Marauders."

"What?" Sirius asked.

"What about the Marauders?" Remus looked at their faces, knowing already before they agreed that they would, that it was the name they'd been looking for since autumn. As soon as he thought it, he _knew_ it was right, what they were looking for. Their perfect description.

James looked at Sirius. Then Peter. Then Sirius and Peter looked at each other. Then they all faced Remus again, huge grins appearing. He didn't even need to say what he meant. They all knew, same as him.

"The Marauders," James said.

"The Marauders," Peter echoed.

"Marauders," Sirius said then made everyone jump by clapping his hands once, very loudly. "It's no Quartet of Coolness buuuuut I guess-OWWW!" he yelped as James got him in a headlock, giving him a vicious noogie. "NOT THE HAIR! Okay, yeah, yeah, Marauders!!"

James released Sirius (who quickly smoothed out his hair which didn't need it) then put his arm around Remus's neck who grew a touch afraid he was about to get a noogie as well. "Marauders," he said, squeezing Remus gently. "That's us, then."

They were the Marauders.


	74. Chapter Seventy-Three - The Fight

That April day they became the Marauders turned into one of those beautiful, shining days that lived on in memory. It started when James complained about not having proper piratical headgear since none of them could really figure out a good transfiguring spell until Peter eagerly made four paper pirate hats out of newspapers, a trick he had learned from his Muggle father. Remus turned them black then Sirius painted wicked looking skull and crossbones on all of them.

"A joint effort, me hearties!" James exclaimed, placing the biggest hat on his head.

"Joint? What part did you play, then?" Sirius asked.

James thought for a second as he put the hat at a jaunty angle. "Overseeing. It's what I'm good at."

They went outside into the brilliant spring sunshine, playing at being pirates around the lake, having sword fights with long sticks, then James tried to convince Sirius to jump into the lake which he nearly did until the giant squid nearly smacked him off the rock they all stood on. They all scrambled away, figuring exploring the edge of the lake would be a safer bet. They got rather near the forest and found a stream there with an old wooden bridge going across. Remus suggested they play Poohsticks then had to explain just what Poohsticks was.

"We all drop sticks in on the far side then we see which one comes out first the other." He dropped a twig in to demonstrate so they all ran around finding twigs. Remus changed them all colors so they could easily see who won (James scarlet, Sirius black, Peter yellow, Remus purple). They played twelve rounds until they got bored (Peter won with a total of four rounds, James in an annoyed last with two wins, Sirius and Remus tying with three each). That's when James got another long stick, announcing he knew where there was a dragon. Peter jumped back, terrified, while James explained it was in the forest.

"The Forbidden Forest is sorta _forbidden_," Remus pointed out.

"So's sneaking into the Great Hall in the middle of the night to hang up underwear," Sirius teased while Remus glowered.

"Come on, it's not far," James promised.

So Remus followed them into the woods, feeling nervous, wondering if Hagrid would appear to catch them. He kept glancing over his shoulder as the forest thickened until he couldn't really see the castle anymore. He was just about to say perhaps they should go back when James stopped, pointing with his stick towards a large bumpy rock that _did_ look like a sleeping dragon curled up. Remus smiled. Of course.

"It's just a r--" Peter started and Sirius smacked him.

"It's a dragon," Sirius said. "A horrible dragon."

"Not just any dragon," Remus whispered, getting into the spirit. He hadn't really played pretend in a long time, and when he did he had been alone--having to pretend he had friends around him whenever he played in the garden or the woods behind his house. Now he had actual other people to adventure with. "That's a Hungarian horntail. The most dangerous, vicious dragon of them all!"

James's eyes sparkled. "Too true it is."

Sirius pulled out his wand. "Let's kill it."

They spent the next few minutes sending out as many offensive spells as they could think of, the spells bouncing harmlessly off the stone, until Sirius used the fire spell that actually left a mark on the rock. That's when he ran over, jumping on top, declaring himself the victor. The four of them flopped onto the dead dragon, rather tired now.

"Why's this place forbidden anyway?" James asked, picking up a small rock and chucking it into the trees. Then he turned to look at Remus. "You probably know, don't you?"

"It's dangerous," Remus answered. "Loads of dark creatures. Some we haven't even studied in Defense yet. Some we won't until years ahead of us."

"Like Hungarian horntails," Sirius said, patting the rock beneath them.

"Oh, be serious," James said.

Sirius grinned. "I mean. I'm _always_ Siriu--" He broke off, rolling away as James tried to hit him. "You're the one who said it, not me!" he said from the other side of the rock.

"What kind of... creatures?" Peter asked, eyes darting around at the trees around them.

Remus began listing some of the more dangerous things that could be lurking around from the tiny doxie to the huge graphorn, though graphorn wasn't as likely since they preferred the actual mountains to the forest. "But they might come down here occasionally," Remus added. He leaned back against the sun-warmed rock. "There's rumors of acromantula too but that's impossible."

"Acrowhatchula?" Sirius asked. He and James were now throwing rocks at a tree, trying to hit a small knothole. It made Remus think of the way to get under the Whomping Willow. Pomfrey started getting him to throw rocks and despite his clumsiness he had gotten quite good. Well, decent. Well... okay. One out of ten times. That didn't seem too bad for someone who tripped over their own feet.

"Giant spiders. But they're native to parts of Asia so they can't be here. Probably someone used an engorgement charm on a spider and let it loose so that's what whoever started the rumor really saw."

Peter pulled up a piece of grass. "Giant spiders sounds _scary_." He put the grass between his thumbs and brought it to his mouth. He blew a couple times until a piercing sound came out. He kept making the annoying sound until Sirius pointed out some animal probably peed on the grass and Peter flung it away, wiping his hands off on his jeans.

James finally managed to hit the knothole. Remus half expected a secret tunnel to appear but of course nothing happened. "We should make a hideout here." Suddenly he sprang up, jumping up and down. "We should build one! A fort! Fort Dragon! We could do it, with sticking spells."

"Plus it's easy to get here," Sirius said, hands on hips as he surveyed the area. "Nice clearing too."

"Let's do it!" Peter exclaimed.

It was afternoon at that point so they drew straws (well, sticks) which James lost. So while the other three began gathering big sticks, James went to steal some food from the castle kitchens. He returned to find a pretty big pile of wood waiting, and the four of them took a break to eat. Once finished, Remus, James, and Peter would hold pieces together while Sirius did the sticking spell, something he was quite good at (though at one point he accidentally stuck a stick to Remus's hand and they spent quite a while doing a reversing spell to get it off of him; thank Merlin it wasn't the permanent sticking spell!). While they worked building a wall James suggested the coat the Slytherin benches in the Great Hall with the sticking spell.

"Yeah cause using anything like that went soo_ooo_ well for us before," Peter said, crinkling his nose.

"Least you were only stuck to the ground," Remus said. "I was stuck to Sirius." Sirius used the sticking spell, jamming his arm against Remus's arm. Remus looked at their arms then glared up at the grinning Sirius. "Why are you such an idiot?"

"Hereditary, in my opinion," he replied cheerfully.

James and Peter went back to holding up sticks while Sirius stuck them together and Remus worked on getting him unstuck from Sirius. Finally he managed then spent his time fetching more sticks. Soon they had a small wall that was as long as the dragon rock though only a couple feet high. Sirius stuck it to the ground before they began working on another wall, and then a third until Remus heard some crashing in the woods a bit aways. He froze, then the sound came close enough that the others heard it. That's when they decided to (quickly) head back to the castle; it was getting late anyway.

They still wore their pirate hats going into supper. Remus had started to take his off however when he noticed James and Sirius just marching right in with the blackened newspapers still on their heads he just kept his own on, as did Peter. Everyone gave them strange looks which they adamantly ignored.

"You going to study group tonight?" Sirius asked as they ate.

Remus considered it, then nodded. "Yeah. Exams are coming up--"

"Oh no, only _six whole weeks_ to study!" James said in mock horror.

"--and I was _supposed_ to be studying a lot today which didn't happen so I should at least go tonight," Remus finished, ignoring James.

"Bet you had more fun today though," Peter said with a big smile.

Remus promised he did which made Sirius pump a fist into the air, professing his joy that they were more fun than jamming text into your brain. Remus kicked him in the shin. "Barely," he said, holding his finger and thumb apart by only a tiny little squidge. "Like, this much." Sirius stuck out his tongue. Remus made his fingers go closer to together and Sirius gave _him_ a kick as Remus laughed.

He finished supper fairly early to give himself time to run up to the tower, grabbing all his things. He glimpsed at himself in the mirror, debating what to do about the hat. Wearing it with the others was fine. Wearing it by himself... he didn't think he had the confidence to do that. He took the hat off, carefully setting it on his desk.

Down in the library he was second to arrive, Silverlocke already sitting there. The Slytherin glanced up, giving a small smile as Remus sat down. "Where's your hat?" he asked first thing.

Remus ducked his head, letting his hair fall across his face as he pulled his books out. "Didn't think I'd n--need it f-for studying."

Everyone else who came in commented on the hat too, causing him to become very embarrassed. Especially when Craft called the hats 'dumb'. Twycross also said they were 'childish'.

That struck a nerve. "We're _twelve_," he said rather snippily. "We _are_ kids."

Twycross sniffled loudly, tossing her hair back. "Boys are just naturally less mature than girls so you have a point." Remus, Silverlocke, Craft, and Bones all looked annoyed at that. Twycross raised her eyebrows at their faces. "It's true, you know. We're more developed."

Bones snorted. "You don't look very developed to me," he said then began snickering.

Twycross went brilliantly red. "YOU--" Then she snapped her mouth shut, teeth clicking loudly, remembering she was in the library and couldn't yell. "How _dare_ you, you--pervert!" Bones just kept laughing quietly behind his hand. Lily looked like she was suppressing laughter too.

Remus was a little lost as to what that exchange meant but if it annoyed Twycross it couldn't have been all that bad.

*

Sunday was spent _trying_ to study but mostly being sucked into various games with his friends--the other Marauders, as they were definitely calling themselves now. In the early afternoon they worked on the Howler for Snape, disguising James's voice pretty darn well. They took it plus the package containing a small bottle of shampoo to the owlery where James attached them to two different school owls, giving them the instructions not to deliver until the next morning.

Needless to say at breakfast they were all really giggly, waiting for the owl post. After what felt like an eternity _finally_ the owls came swooping in. James received a large package from his parents, Remus got a letter from his mother, and over at the Slytherin table Snape got a small box along with a scarlet envelope that immediately began pouring smoke. The kids around him went quiet which spread down the table then onto other tables as Snape nervously reached out, going very pale.

James's voice burst out, ringing across the Great Hall. It was very well disguised, sounding mostly like a girl. If you knew James well and listened _very_ closely you could probably tell but Remus figured nobody could.

"THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO OUR SPECIAL SELF CARE COURSE. THE FIRST LESSON IS HAIR WASHING 101. INCLUDED IS A SMALL SAMPLE BOTTLE FOR YOU TO TRY OUT!" Snape's face flooded with color as the students began laughing. "STEP ONE IS ACTUALLY STEPPING INTO A SHOWER! IF YOU'RE STILL AT HOGWARTS, SHOWERS ARE PROVIDED FOR THE STUDENTS! STEP TWO--TURN ON THE WATER!"

James was hardly able to breathe, clutching his sides as tears silently rolled down his face. Sirius had his hands folded in front of his mouth, making odd noises as he wheezed. Peter was shaking from head to toe with his laughter. Remus had jammed his fist in his mouth, laughing around it.

"PLEASE RINSE YOUR HAIR IN THE WATER! GET HAIR COMPLETELY WET! PUT A DOLLOP OF SHAMPOO ON YOUR HANDS AND BEGIN MASSAGING INTO YOUR SCALP, MAKING YOUR WAY FROM THE ROOTS TO THE TIP!"

That's about the last thing anyone heard as Snape had grabbed the Howler and fled out of the Great Hall. There was a lot of laughter from all the tables except the teachers. They all looked very put out. Especially McGonagall whose eyes landed on James and Sirius. She wasn't the only one: Lily looked _beyond_ furious. She got up from her seat, walking over in a strangely calm way though Remus could see her arms shaking a little.

"Yeeees?" James drew out when Lily approached them.

"Can I talk to you lot?" she asked through clenched teeth. "_Privately_?"

"Bit busy here, Evans," James said, wiping tears off his cheeks. Lily grabbed his arm, dragging him from his seat. "Whoa--hey--all right, geezoid!"

Sirius, Peter, and Remus really didn't have much of a choice except to follow. They didn't want to leave James to her wrath all alone. She kept pulling him along to one of the side corridors. There she finally let go.

"All right then, what's so impo--" James started then was cut off as Lily _whalloped_ him across the face. She hit him so hard his glasses went flying. All four boys gasped out. Well, James's was more of a cry of pain.

"HOW--DARE--YOU?!" she screamed as he cringed back, clutching at his mouth "YOU ABSOLUTE TOERAG!" Then her eyes darted to Sirius and before he could do anything she hit him on the face too, though her fist mostly just clipped his chin. He did yelp in pain, clutching the spot. "YOU'RE BOTH COMPLETELY DESPICABLE! I can't beLIEVE you SOMEHOW managed to make my opinion of you even WORSE! But wow, you sure managed that! And _you_!" She spun around to look at Remus who took a step back, terrified she'd hit him too. "Did you have anything to do with this?! Tell me the _truth_!"

"I--d-d-d--didn't--do--any of--of it," he stammered out.

That didn't seem to help any. "But you knew they were doing it?!" He just looked down at the ground, shame filling him. "You knew, and you _let_ them _continue_! You're just as much of a--a _bully_ as they are, Remus Lupin!"

"L--Lily--"

"I don't want to even SEE YOU!" Her gaze swept past Peter who squeaked and dove behind Sirius but Lily just marched off.

"Holy jumping jarveys!" Sirius managed to get out. Peter continued to quiver behind Sirius while James was on his knees, searching for his glasses, blood smeared where she had busted his lip.

Remus stared after her then began running. "Lily--" He reached out, grabbing her arm. He had to apologize.

She whirled around, glaring at him with watery eyes. "Don't touch me, Remus! Don't even talk to me!" She wrenched her arm away. "I thought you were better but you're not!" She began running again then stopped to look back at him. "AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING TO THE LIBRARY TONIGHT!" Then she disappeared round the corner.

Remus stood still, watching her go, wanting to cry as well. He hadn't--he never--it wasn't-... It felt like someone had taken a scoop to his insides, just taking everything away. He felt... hollow. Numb. He knew it was a rather mean prank but he hadn't expected Lily to react like this... all right, truth be told, he hadn't even been thinking of her at all as they prepared the prank.

"I swear she's part _troll_ or something," James grumbled as he finally found his glasses. "No little girl is _that_ strong." He stood up, wiping the blood onto his robes sleeve.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, "but did you see Snape's face? Absolutely _priceless_!"

"Well done, Mr. Black!"

"Same to you, Mr. Potter!" They solemnly shook hands then gave each other high fives.

Peter went over to Remus, lightly touching his arm. "Um, you all right?"

Remus still just stood there in a bit of a shock. "Y--yeah," he lied, finally being able to push himself to move, to respond. He _wanted_ to go somewhere to be alone, hide out to deal with--with this. But he had class soon, so he couldn't. He followed the other three back to the Great Hall or at least in front of it, as McGonagall was waiting for them, white fury on her face. She accused James and Sirius of being behind the prank, demanding a confession.

James put on his most innocent face which didn't look so good with blood all over it. "Us, Professor?" he asked, eyebrows high. "Where would _we_ get a Howler?"

"Ooh, can you get them somewhere in the school?" Sirius added, looking excited. "Or mail order them?"

"I have no idea _how_ you two got your hands on a Howler however I _know_ it was you. This--absolutely wicked ordeal has your names all over it."

James flashed a grin now. "Flatter us all you want, but we didn't do it. Terrific idea, though."

Remus thought McGonagall might just explode into smithereens right there from how enraged she looked, while James and Sirius radiated an aura of smugness. Suddenly Peter slipped his hand into Remus's, very afraid of what was going to happen next. Remus gave his hand a squeeze, trying to reassure him. He wasn't sure what McGonagall would do. The voice didn't sound enough like James, and the Howler would have turned to ash by now so there'd be no handwriting to compare. They were at a standstill.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," she finally said.

"For _what_?!" James demanded.

"Untidiness. And if I find out you were behind this, Mr. Potter, you will be _very_ sorry. What you did to that boy was unspeakably _awful_." She turned and swept back into the Great Hall.

Once the doors shut James gave a two finger salute then began happily elbowing Sirius that they got away with it, the two of them snickering. "Untidiness," James snorted, wiping more blood off his mouth. "Stupid Evans."

Remus didn't feel hungry at all anymore. While his friends sat down he just grabbed his bag, mumbling something about heading to class early. Sirius narrowed his eyes, staring hard at Remus with suspicion. "You're not feeling _guilty_ are you?" he asked softly. Remus fiddled with the strap on his bag, not sure how to answer. Partially yes, partially no. So he just shrugged. "Cause of Evans?" Now Remus nodded. Sirius got up, taking the few steps closer. "Did she get that mad at Snivellus? When he said those things about you in Potions? Called you those things?"

"Er, she was mad--"

"Did she punch him?"

"I d--don't think so--I really don't know what she did." He remembered James snapping at her, her saying she'd talk to him--then insisting he wasn't a git. He doubted she yelled at Snape like she yelled at Remus. A sort of wormy feeling filled his belly as he remembered Snape standing in Potions calling him disease-ridden and crazy. How Remus encouraged Lily to talk to Snape, to forgive him even though Snape refused to apologize to Remus. But it wasn't really the same thing... was it?

"Don't let her get to you," James said with a firm nod.

"I... guess..." The wormy feeling just got worse though. "I'm st--still going to class early." He left the hall, heading to Charms. Professor Flitwick was still at breakfast so Remus camped out across the hall, his nose in a book though he wasn't really reading. He felt too prickly and hot. _I'll apologize to Lily, I'll just try again_.

Except when she showed up with her female friends she marched past him with her nose in the air, going into the classroom ignoring him entirely. Colgate gave him a slightly pitying look but other than that he was left out in the cold. _Right_. He crept in, taking his usual seat, trying to pretend like it didn't upset him. She ignored him all day and did her best to avoid him. At lunch he didn't see her anywhere, nor did he see Snape. After Defense Remus tried to talk to Lily again but she shrugged him off, shooting him a glare.

"She's not worth it," Sirius said, clapping Remus on the back. "If she's not gonna hold Snape up to the same standards then she's just a bozo."

He had a point, but Remus wasn't going to admit it. James asked Remus if he felt bad about the Howler to which Remus replied no. He really didn't. He had tried to be nice to Snape (because of Lily) and Snape just insulted him, hexed him, plagued him, harassed him... No, he didn't have any regrets about the prank they pulled except for the fact Lily got all angry.

After an afternoon spent in the dorms and a supper that tasted like mush, Remus decided to go to the library. James and Sirius rolled their eyes but at least Peter wished him luck. He hung about outside the library until exactly 6 then went in, heading to their usual table. Pierce was beginning a discussion about Astronomy then stopped when she spotted Remus.

He went for his seat but then hesitated when Lily glared at him. "I told you not to show up."

"I th--thought this was a--a--an open--group," he muttered back.

"I can't deal with you right now, Remus. I just can't. Not with what happened."

Craft gave a snort while Silverlocke's brow furrowed. "I--err..." Remus didn't know what to say. "C--can we talk?"

"No," she said, turning back to her books. There was red creeping across her neck. "I don't want to. Go back to your _bullying_ friends."

Heat flared up inside of him as well as the wolf. He felt it stirring, waking up, stretching its paws with the claws flicking out. "_My_ bullying friends?" he asked stiffly. She looked back up. "S'not like Snape's innocent."

"Don't talk about him--"

The wolf reared up, clawing at him, begging him to be let loose; he struggled to fight back however was also far too angry to easily do so. "He's a jerk!" Remus snarled. Everyone at the table seemed quite interested in what he was saying except for Silverlocke who just seemed upset, and Lily's jaw hung open. "I've t-tr--t-tried to be n--nice t-t-t-to him and he _insults_ me! He c-c-calls me Loo--Loopy and--and-and-and he _lied_ to you, he did--_did_ follow me around in-in here wh--when I had th-th-that de-d-d-de-detention putting bo--books in the-the wr--wrong spots then he c-c-cursed my tongue!"

Lily stood up, the red covering most her face now. "He wouldn't--"

"_He did_! He t-t-t-t-t-told me he'd rather d-dr-drink poison r--rather than sit with me when I w--was try--trying to b--be--be n-nn--nice to him!" His body shook and his nose itched. He fought hard against the tears, determined not to cry in front of the rest of study group who were all watching with huge eyes. "And wh--when Slughorn t--told us we had to be partners he c---called me diseased and crazy! So don't _you_ c-c-c-call _my_ friends b--bullying when you're d--defending one!"

As the last word fell out of his mouth it felt like he just _couldn't_ anymore. He was so hot, sweat soaking his armpits, and he wanted to cry so much. He took a few steps back then turned and stormed out of the library. He couldn't believe he said all of that to her. To Lily. His first real friend. His pinky promised friend!

At that thought the tears finally came and he ran back to his dorm with tears dripping down his face.


	75. Chapter Seventy-Four - Cataclypse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys two quick things. One, I am considering trying to get three chapters out a week now (Sun, Tues, Fri). I will be doing this for a couple weeks and see how I do with my work schedule, then decide for sure. The second thing is I know it's probably silly of me to say this but I just wanted to reiterate that this is a very long haul series. The first year (93 chapters + prologue) is going to be the shortest book in the series. I'm writing the second year and 21 chapters in it's only been a little over two weeks into September. Part of me worries about writing so much 'small details' but I really do enjoy writing just their lives and want to write this series to give me happiness so I just wanted to highlight the fact this is definitely a long haul series. If you do choose to continue reading, I really hope y'all continue to enjoy it :) Thanks!

"Way to _go_, little buddy! No! Really! Way to go!"

Remus was curled up on his bed, head buried under his pillow. James, Sirius, and Peter were on his bed with him, James currently the one congratulating him after he told them everything that happened in the library.

"She deserved it," Sirius agreed. "Snivelly _is_ a bully."

"It isn't _right_ she got all mad at you but not at him for what _he's_ done," Peter agreed.

Remus flinched when he felt a hand press against his back. He wasn't sure who it was. He wanted to explain to them he didn't feel at all good. He regretted what he said. He should have kept his opinion to himself--now Lily probably flat out _hated_ him. Whether it was true or not he should have just bottled everything up and just apologized to her or something. He may have felt hurt about it for a while but he'd get over it eventually. Now... she was probably never going to be his friend again.

"You all right?" James asked, practically in his ear. It was his hand against Remus.

He tried to say yes, he tried to lie. Instead a quiet sort of sobby sound came out. "_No_." He squirmed deeper under his pillow, wishing they'd go away. He wanted to crawl under his bed and sleep there for a few years. His skin also felt super sensitive again, mere words rubbing against him like knives.

James pat his back. "Aw, c'mon, all girls are dumb anyway."

"I dunno if I'd go _that_ far," Sirius snorted.

"Yeah, me either," Peter said a little dreamily. Remus suspected he was looking at his finger where that second year girl kissed him the other day (at least he had washed his hands despite his swearing he wouldn't).

"Oh , girls are weird," James protested. "I mean... no offense, Remus, but you're really better off without her as a girlfriend."

Remus sat up, the pillow falling on Sirius who had been laying next to him. "She w-w-www-wasn't my _girlfriend_! G--girls and boys can be _friends_!" He grabbed his pillow, sliding off the bed. "Sick of p--people saying that."

James held his hands up. "Okay, okay, sorry." He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, squinting at Sirius and Peter. "So what do _you_ two mean by you wouldn't go that far?" he asked as Remus debated going underneath his bed. He knew it'd be weird... sure they promised they wouldn't think twice about him doing that but would they?

"Some girls look nice," Sirius replied with a shrug.

"Like _who_?!" James demanded.

Sirius smiled. "Madeline Mandrake."

"Oooooh, she doesn't count! She's a _woman_. Not a girl. Plus she plays Quidditch! Women who play Quidditch are like... exceptions to the rules." While James spoke, Remus went under his bed since they weren't even paying attention to him anyway, which was a good thing. He curled up, face in the pillow. At least he had stopped crying.

"Yeahhh..." Peter drew out. "Specially ones with big knockers. Like Madeline Mandrake. How does she even stay on the broom?"

"Oh Merlin, Peter!" James laughed. "That's a good question though. D'you think they're very _heavy_? When I stuffed Dedenne's bra with my socks it was light but--do boobs weigh more than socks?"

"I think so," Sirius said. "I don't know. I've never... errrr... felt them." He giggled at that. "Not _yet_."

Remus was rather glad he had gone under the bed. This wasn't really a discussion he found very... interesting. He probably would be one day. That's what everyone said, at least. In some books. That's how it went. You grew up and took notice of girls. Was it weird he hadn't yet? Maybe it was their ages, since James didn't seem too interested either and they were the two younger ones. Though James did seem a bit keen on boobs even if he thought girls were weird. Whereas Remus didn't think girls were weird, just... what was such a big deal about boobs? _Guess I'll figure that out when I get a bit older_, he thought then made a face.

"Yeah whenever women in my family hug me they feel--you know--_solid_," Peter said.

Someone snapped their fingers, probably James. "Good point there. Same. My great-aunt's got huge ones and she squashes me against them when she hugs me--" He gave a weird shuddery sound there, "--and yeah, you're right."

"Still wouldn't know," Sirius muttered quietly.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Wish we knew a girl with'em that we could ask," sighed James.

Sirius bust up. "Oh brilliant. Just go up to a girl 'hey can I feel your boob? It's for research'." That got all three boys laughing. Under the bed Remus smiled a little, trying to picture that in his head but then Lily's furious face took over and the smile faded.

"I always thought they were full of air though," Peter mused.

There was a smacking sound. "They can't be full of air, you dummy, they're full of milk!" James said.

"Wh--what?" Peter sounded disgusted. "Eewwwww!"

"That's how they feed babies," James said in a knowing voice. "They're like... balloons full of milk."

"Are you sure about that?" Sirius asked, sounding quite doubtful.

Peter groaned. "If they're full of milk then--ewwww that just sounds yucky. Doesn't it get old?"

"Errrr... n--no it refreshes itself every night," James mumbled. "Like cows. Every night the milk refreshes. And yes I'm sure."

"If you're so sure how come you didn't know if they were heavy or not?" Sirius accused. "Wouldn't that be heavy?"

"Not if it's only a little bit of milk. When you have a glass of milk that isn't very heavy now, is it?"

"I think you're full of it."

"Am not!" James sounded quite affronted. "How can you not know that tits have milk in them? How else could a girl feed her baby before bottles were invented? And it's only a little bit cause babies don't need to eat much, they're small. They only need a little bit. That's why I wasn't sure if they were heavy or not."

"Pffft. You're definitely full of it." Then the bed squeaked as one of them moved. Remus blinked as Sirius's upside-down head appeared over the side, his hair cascading to the floor. "You okay down there?"

"Er, yeah."

"Okay." He smiled at Remus. "If you need anything let us know." He drew himself back up and the three of them returned to discussing boobs. Remus hugged his pillow, closing his eyes, trying not to think about how much he screwed up with Lily. His friends' voices grated on him but he wasn't going to ask them to stop or go away. He didn't want to mess up _these_ friendships too. Plus at least it provided a bit of a distraction, even if the conversation topic was absolutely absurd.

*

Remus just stayed under his bed for most the night to his friends' concern. He promised them he'd be all right though refused to come out. He didn't want to deal with _anything_ right now just stay under his bed which he _did_ until he woke up from nightmares dragging him out of sleep. Everything had been all foggy except for two dark figures laughing about Remus. Lily, and Snape. They both turned as Remus approached and Lily's face contorted as she said she could never be friends with a bullying monster. Snape pointed at him laughing then Lily joined him, both of them laughing louder and louder until he woke up with a jerk, banging his head on the underside of his bed, tears dripping down his cheeks.

He wriggled out from under his bed trying to be as quiet as possible so as to not wake anyone else up except someone was awake. James. His curtains were back and the end of his wand was lit softly as he flipped through a magazine. He looked up at the movement, a smile spreading across his face. "Heya," he whispered, setting the magazine down. "Was really worried about you. Can we talk?"

_No_. But Remus left the dorm with him, going across the hall to the bathroom. James seemed a bit nervous, wiping sweaty hands off on his pajamas. "So, um, I wanted to apologize. It's my fault."

"What is your fault?" Remus asked.

James just stared. "That Evans got all mad at you. Snape's such a git though it's hard not to do stuff to him--"

"He deserves it." Remus's voice was a bit darker than he intended it to be and it caused James's eyes to widen. "He's a bully. He--wait, did you stay up just on the off chance I'd wake up?"

"Yeah," James said. "I felt really bad. I wanted to apologize earlier but um, I know when you go under your bed you really need to be alone so I didn't wanna bug you. So I waited."

Remus felt overwhelmed by this. By the fact James was actually apologizing, by the fact James wanted to, but especially by the fact James was so perceptive about how Remus had been feeling--that he had needed to be alone. It seemed rather unusual... James usually didn't notice other peoples' feelings that much. Had Sirius said something, since out of all of them Sirius seemed most in tune with Remus's feelings? Or was it all James? Even if it had been Sirius James still went through with it, and that meant a lot.

Remus sorta wanted to hug him but that wasn't a very masculine thing to do, probably, so instead he lightly punched James's arm. "Thank you."

James rubbed the back of his head seeming very awkward now. "Yeah, well, you know. I don't feel bad for doing that to Snape, just that Evans was so--err--uhh--pigheaded about it. I know she's your friend--"

"I dunno 'bout that anymore," Remus mumbled. It hurt to say it, as true as it may be. Speaking those words out loud made him feel viciously ill. It also made his nose itch.

James's face fell. "I can't say I understand why you're friends with such a cow but I'm sorry if I've ruined your friendship."

"You didn't," he promised. "Your actions may have been the catalyst but Snape... despises me. He refuses to even attempt to be affable towards me even for Lily's sake so it was bound to happen sooner or later. I don't care that she's friends with him however if she just wishes to side with him for everything even when he's errant... that's... her choice..."

"Did your parents feed you bits of a dictionary when you were growing up?" James asked teasingly.

"I--used simple English!" Remus protested.

James rolled his eyes, punching Remus's arm now. "Sure, cataclypse. Errant. I use those words every day!"

"You mean... catalyst?"

"Oh shut up!" James laughed though. "What does that even mean?"

"Errr, it means someone or something who causes change. Like, quickly. Umm--like the Squib Rights marches were a catalyst for idiot purebloods rioting." It wasn't the best example but the only one he could think of. "Or Madeline Mandrake being a catalyst for that bizarre boob conversation you had earlier."

"Oooh, gotcha." Remus wasn't sure James really got it, to be honest. "So we're all good?"

"Yes," Remus promised. "We're all good." It felt good to see how relieved James looked, like he had genuinely been worried Remus would be mad at him, that he didn't _want_ Remus mad at him. _Why do I keep thinking they don't really care about me_? he wondered as they went back to their dorm. _I should probably be concerned they do care about me, really. The more they care the more they might try to pry..._ A jolt went through his body as if he had almost stepped off a cliff. A feeling of dread filled him then went away, as if he had nearly felt something or saw something coming... but it was gone now and he was able to get to an uneasy sleep.

*

At breakfast Remus and Lily glanced at one another then looked away. He felt hyper aware of her as he ate, wishing he could go back in time to stop himself from everything he said about Snape (despite how sure he was of being in the right about it). _You need to apologize_, part of him thought. Then the other part him would reply with, _She should apologize_. Welll--he knew that wasn't true she hadn't done much. His friends had bullied Snape, he had ripped into Snape in the library. He should be the one apologizing. But he kept thinking how unfair it was she had taken Snape's side over the whole library-detention thing. Urgh! He hated this! He just felt so torn and confused.

The day dragged on with him hardly able to pay attention in class. In History he wrote out multiple notes to Lily which he tore up. At lunch he just pushed food around on his plate, rather glad the rest of the day would be free. _Luckily I have Occlumency tonight so I won't have to decide whether or not to try study group again_. He looked over at Lily who wad chatting happily with Colgate. Then he glanced at the Slytherin table, at Snape. _I wonder if she told him what I said. She probably did. He probably told her she made the right choice, congratulating her on getting me out of her life_. Remus narrowed his eyes then went back to pushing food around. The full moon was coming up and at this rate it would be a bad one.

Since it was a rainy day, the four Marauders spent their time in the castle. James had a Quaffle which he, Sirius, and Peter kicked around an empty fourth floor corridor. They tried to get Remus to join but he didn't really want to. He was too miserable plus, as he told them, he was likely to just trip over the ball. He sat down on a window seat and watched them. Sirius gave the Quaffle a great big kick sending it flying, knocking into a painting. The man in the painting began shouting at them since it had knocked the frame slightly askew. James started to argue with the painting until he realized: there was something _behind_ it.

"A secret passage!" He pushed the painting aside more (which resulted in the man threatening to tell Dumbledore they were destroying school property and in HIS day students would NEVER be this unruly!) revealing a small open doorway. "C'mon, lads."

They all slipped inside, Peter shutting the portrait behind them. James and Remus lit up their wands to give off some light as they went out the dark, dusty corridor. It looked like nobody had been there in ages which encouraged James quite a bit. They went down a winding staircase then started down another corridor until James yelped, stopping in his tracks. He held out his hand, light shining down a deep black pit. All four boys crowded around to stare.

"Where d'you think that goes?" Sirius asked, peering down at the darkness.

Suddenly Peter screamed. All of them jumped and James clamped his hand over Pete's mouth. "S---someone's there!" Peter pointed a shaky finger at a dark blob on the other side of the pit.

"Great and you just announced us to them," James hissed out.

"It's not moving," Sirius said.

Remus went over, easily being able to see in the darkness since his eyes had adjusted. "Merlin's Beard, Petey, it's a _pot_. Plus there's some floor over here, the pit doesn't go across the whole corridor."

They inched along the floor, rather nervous that it would fall through. They went one by one with Remus leading the way since he was the smallest and least likely to break the floor. But they all managed to get over where the others could see it was indeed a giant pot. Peter laughed nervously, trying to pretend he _knew_ that. There were other big pots sitting in various recesses and alcoves, and some paintings but none with people. They all looked quite old, one of them even falling apart.

"This was probably a main corridor once," James said as they found another pit. "Until someone destroyed it."

"That's actually quite the logical theory," Remus said as he tried to look down in the pit. "Though you'd expect them to be able to fix it. Perhaps something _big_ happened here?" Even with his wolf eyes he couldn't see much.

James went back and forth with his light revealing there was no way to get across the gap. "I guess this is the end of the line for now. Dang it all! Think I can jump that?"

"No!" Remus said, horrified, at the exact time Sirius said, "Do it!" Remus glared at him while he grinned. "Well he could."

"When you get your broom next year we can explore this," Peter suggested diplomatically.

"Brilliant idea." James looked back down into the darkness then gave a sigh. "Shame it'll be so long..."

They returned to the fourth floor where the portrait complained loudly about them, shouting angry remarks as they hurried off, hoping they weren't reported to Dumbledore. It wasn't until they got up to the common room when Remus realized he hadn't been brooding on his argument during that time; exploring a hidden passage had been too cool and exciting. He wondered about that passage. Where it took them, what _happened_ to it to make it so unsafe... how deep the pits went... He couldn't remember anything about it in _Hogwarts, a History_ of course that didn't go into a lot of detail about the actual physical castle except a bit about the building as well as brief mentions of secret passages. He wanted to go to the library to do some research however he thought Lily might be there already so... probably better he didn't.

*

That evening he made his way back to the fourth floor, giving the side corridor where the portrait was a curious glance as he went to Occlumency. Once inside, he settled on the couch, feeling pretty exhausted. He and Fawley chatted for a moment then she put her hands on his head. He felt a stab of pain as she went into his memories and of course it was of Lily calling him a bully, then of him snapping at her in the library. When Fawley pulled out, Remus gave a bit of an unwanted whimper as he pushed himself farther into the couch.

"You resisted me a little bit," she said, trying to sound encouraging. On any other day he'd feel super about that but not today. "Are you doing all right?"

He chewed at his thumbnail, debating on what to say. _She's the only one I could talk to about this_, he realized. "I d-d-don't know how to deal with this. How to _fix_ it, or--or if I sh-should f--fix it."

Fawley tucked a loose strand of hair back, lips turned down in a frown. "That is an awful situation," she agreed. "I'm very sorry that happened to you. Are you and Miss Evans still talking?"

"N--no," he whispered. "You heard her. She doesn't w-w-want me around. She j-just believes _Snape_ about _everything_ and--and he can say all th-these mean things about me and th--that's fine and--I _know_ wh-what James and Sirius did w-w-wasn't really _good_ b--but--she--she--" He stopped, unable to say anything else. His chest was hurting pretty bad again.

"I understand that. It can be very difficult going through something like that. The stings and barbs you receive in your youth can be as great as severe injuries. At least, feel that way."

Remus remained silent, disagreeing with her. He had dealt with severe injuries. He constantly destroyed his own body, woke up unable to walk, unable to move (unable to see, once), blood and gore. The hurt inside he felt over Lily was very different. It... did feel more like a stinging pain than a great injury, but it still hurt.

"There are worse things," he whispered. "I know. Like--like getting caught." Fawley nodded slowly. "I know we won't stay friends forever... I just... I don't want to fight with her..."

"You've been sheltered your whole life. You're not ready or prepared for the downside of having friends, are you?" she asked. He replied that he didn't know what she meant by that. "The drama, the fights, the insults. It will happen. With _all_ of your friends. Especially at your age. It's your choice whether to hold the pain as a grudge or grievance. There's nothing wrong with being hurt by these sorts of things, there's really not. It's fine to spend time nursing your inner wounds. It's important that you do. But, my dear, it's _very_ important to _talk_ about things. Even if you don't want to. Communication is one of the most important foundations for friendships and relationships."

Remus let out a heavy sigh. "She d-d-doesn't want to."

"You need to give her some time to nurse her own wounds. It seems like she's in a very hard position as well, with two of her friends hating each other like this."

"She's been friends with him longer than me." He didn't mean to sound whiny but that's definitely the way it came out.

"Are you jealous?"

That took him by surprise. Jealous? Of what? Their friendship? "N... no?"

"You don't sound sure."

Remus bit his bottom lip, the weariness growing worse. "I don't know what you mean."

"Do you... _like_ her?"

"Of course I do, she's my friend!" Remus paused for a second then, "At least, she was."

Fawley now smiled. "No I mean, like her as more than a friend."

"What's more than a fri--?" He broke off then began blushing very hard. "NO! What? N--no, definitely not! No! Ew. Why does everyone th--think that j-j-just because we're friends means I _like_ her? What's so wrong with--with being friends?"

"There's nothing wrong with it. I apologize. I just know sometimes the root of this sort of problem can stem from more from the realm of romantic than platonic. So it isn't because she cares for another boy?"

"No. I--I don't mind they're friends. I don't g-g-get _why_ they are f-friends but I know she feels the s-same about me and _my_ friends..."

Fawley went silent for what felt like too long. Remus squirmed, knowing she was choosing what to say which made him feel a bit anxious. "Does this Snape fellow have other friends?"

"Errr... I--I don't know," he admitted. Did he?

"Perhaps that's why she seems so protective of him, if he doesn't really have friends besides her," Fawley said in a very gentle tone. "I'm not saying it was right of her to be so angry with you, just that she probably has her reasons. I don't think this is something worth losing a friendship over--although you really shouldn't be making such _close_ friends."

Guilt ate away at his insides. _No friends, no friends_. Too late for that. "I overheard them arguing a bit ago. He--he was t-telling her not to be friends with me or Inkwood cause we're half-and-half," Remus said rather quickly. Fawley winced a little bit. "She forgave him p--pretty easily over that."

"If she can forgive him for that, I have the feeling she can forgive you for what you said," Fawley said. "Just give her a little bit of time."

That seemed to be the end of that. Remus wasn't sure what else to say anyway though he did have loads of questions. They were all the same. _What if she doesn't want to? What if she hates me now? What if we're not friends anymore_? He kept that to himself, not really feeling like continuing the lesson even though she only delved into his head once. He had a bit of an on-off headache from the one attempt anyway, so when she asked if he wanted to continue he surprised her by saying no.

He bid her farewell and went back to his dorm, a lot to think about.


	76. Chapter Seventy-Five - Dogs Always Get Into The Trash

Remus didn't know how to approach Lily. All right, that wasn't entirely true. He was _afraid_ of approaching her. Afraid of her shouting at him again or snubbing him, not even wanting to _listen_. He didn't want to try and _make_ her listen, that seemed kinda rude, so he just kept to himself, moping. His friends tried to cheer him up between classes (and during class, Sirius sending him notes).

In Herbology James whisked a flowerpot full of fertilizer over Lily's head, dumping it on her. She squealed loudly, jumping back, knocking into Colgate who shrieked too as some of the fertilizer fell onto her. Lily glared at the table where the four Marauders stood. James and Sirius were snickering while Remus had his head in his hands. _Not helpful_, he thought though he kept his mouth shut. Sprout took five points from Gryffindor, lecturing for about five minutes before she shook her head and returned to her proper class lecture.

"You're such a jerk, James Potter!" Lily said after they were dismissed.

James flashed her a brilliant smile. "I guess I figured since you were full of it, you should be covered in it too."

"Oooh!" She stomped her foot, whisked a coughing curse at him, then stormed off.

Remus and Sirius went to lunch while Peter escorted James to the hospital wing to get the spell removed. Remus just poked at his food, barely paying attention to Sirius's chatter. Lily wasn't in the Great Hall either, probably getting a shower. She'd probably blame him for this too even though he had no idea James intended to do that until he did. He sighed, pushing his plate away. Sirius told him to eat but Remus really wasn't hungry. He felt too sick.

"You didn't eat breakfast," Sirius pointed out. "Here." He dug around in his bag for a bag of caramel cobwebs, giving Remus one of them. "You like sweet stuff, yeah? At least have _something_." Remus obediently put the lightly spun caramel in his mouth, barely tasting it. "Better? Hungrier now?" He wasn't, but he pulled his plate back and took a bite of potatoes just to shut Sirius up. It tasted thick, rather sawdusty in his mouth (reminding him of the sawdust flavored sugared oranges Dumbledore once accidentally gave him). James and Peter returned, piling food on their plates. Neither of them seemed to notice Remus wasn't eating so at least he didn't have to deal with them.

Lily came in without much time left, crammed a sandwich into her mouth, then took off. Remus grabbed his bag and went after her. _Okay, so I just say... Hey Lily we should talk. And then she insults you, probably laughs at you... Urggh_. He headed after her towards the stairs however someone grabbed his arm, spinning him around.

Snape. He was glaring at Remus, giving him a look that seemed crossed between disgust and joy. "She doesn't want to talk to you. You better leave her alone."

"It's n--none of your business," Remus snapped back.

"Lily's my _friend_, it _is_ my business. She doesn't want anything to do with the likes of _you_, Loopy." He looked rather giddy as he spoke, clearly enjoying this way too much.

A lot of arguments sprang to his mind, none of which he cared to say. Some would be pretty much admitting he overheard _their_ fight about Lily's friendships. Part of him just wanted to hex the stupid Slytherin After a quick internal debate Remus just started walking to the stairs again, quicker now to try to catch up.

"I said leave her alone!" Snape grabbed him once more.

"Let g--_go_ of me!" Remus yanked his arm away easily, a lot stronger than Snape expected. He stumbled a little just from the force Remus used, eyes widening.

He did his best to hide his surprise and discomfort. He _really_ hadn't expected Remus to be so strong which sent a shiver of thrill through Remus's body even though he knew the strength was from the disgusting, vile, evil part of him. "She hates you. She told me."

It was worse than being hit. Remus's stomach churned as he took a step back. _She... said he hates me_. He had worried about that since the fight, now hearing confirmation just made him want to crawl into a hole. He wished he knew some sort of spell to make himself disappear forever. _She hates me_. Except...

He saw something in Snape's face. _Did she_? He frowned, adjusting his satchel. _Or is he lying_? He wouldn't put it past Snape. "D--does she?" Remus finally asked.

Snape snorted. "Of course. If I find out you've bothered her again, you'll be sorry."

"Well." Remus held himself at full height which was quite a bit shorter than Snape. "Until she s--says that to-to-to my face, I w-won't give up hope we're st--still friends." With that he walked off. Unfortunately most the students were pouring out of the Great Hall now so he wouldn't really have time to talk to Lily; sure enough, she was already in Defense. Since Dedenne glared at him the second he stepped through the door he opted to wait till _after_ class to approach Lily.

Except after class she took off, not even waiting for Colgate or Inkwood. Dedenne asked Sirius to stay behind since he had been caught flicking spitballs at the girls so Remus couldn't really chase after Lily. He wanted to hang out in the hall with James and Peter to wait. However... Colgate and Inkwood weren't running off...

"B--be right back," he said then went over to where they were casually walking off. He couldn't help notice that Colgate still had some of Sirius's spitballs in her curls. "Um--ex--excuse me." They both turned around, eyebrows raised. "Is sh--she... is--is... ummm..." He looked down, toeing the ground. "Is sh--she re-really mad at--at me?"

"Yeahhhh," Colgate drew out, sounding upset. "She's really angry. She told us what you said about Snape in the library."

"Which is pretty true," Inkwood added. Remus looked up at at her, mouth a bit open. "Well it is. He's really rude to us, especially me, when Lily's not around."

Colgate elbowed her. "He's still her friend--"

"Crap friend."

At least someone close to Lily agreed with him. "Um, do-do-do you think she'd--be willing t-to listen to me?" he asked.

Colgate and Inkwood exchanged glances. "We'll talk to her," Colgate finally said. "I can't promise anything though."

"Th--thank you," he whispered then, after informing Colgate about the spitballs, he crept back to James and Peter, ignoring their snickers, their teasing about him talking to more girls. Soon Sirius bounced out of the classroom, seeming quite pleased with himself. He only lost a few points though had a long lecture on respecting women which he couldn't remember much of.

Due to the rain the boys opted to retreat to their dorm. Remus had a difficult time studying due to the whole fight, the fact he could not get Lily out of his head. _Maybe I should just give up_... He'd have to end things eventually. He had hoped to be friends with her for a long time--most the school time, really--except that was just a castle in the air. He sat back against his bed, watching his three friends dancing around to rock music blaring from James's record player he had brought back after the Easter holidays.

"_Ridin' on the third floor of the Knight Bus, baby, coming to see you to be us, baby. Can't wait for you to be in my arms, provin' you're the mistress of chaaaarms!"_

Sirius spun around, face flushed and sweaty. "Come on, Remy!"

Remus shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest. He went back to his History book, the words swimming before him._ Maybe I should answer Mum's letter from this mor--_ Then he straightened his shoulders, realizing. _A letter_!_ Of course_! He grabbed for some parchment, using James's scarlet ink to pen the shortish note.

_Dear Lily,_

_Please read everything. I really hope that we can talk about things soon. I know I've upset you with what I said about Snape. I am sorry I hurt you though I did only speak the truth. HE has been immeasurably rude to ME. I have tried in the past to be nice to him. One evening in the library I asked if he wanted to study together which is when he told me he'd rather drink essence of belladonna, called me an idiot, then left. I am sorry that what my friends did upset you however please remember it's probably easier for a Muggle to stop a storm than it is for anyone to stop James & Sirius. I'll try to do better in the future but I doubt it can happen. Just remember Snape's done some awful stuff to me too. I'm not trying to justify my friends' actions just what I said in the library. He has hurt me _a lot_. When he called me disease-ridden in class and said I belonged in Saint Mungo's it was extremely painful. I wanted to go somewhere to _die_. But I didn't want you fighting with him because of me. I don't want you to fight with me either. You're my friend, I hope. However if you don't wish to forgive me I understand and will leave you alone. I was told today that you said you hated me and if you do just please let me know and I'll leave you alone. I promise._

Okay maybe not so short.

He carefully folded up the letter, planning on going to the owlery then he froze. _I can't_, he realized, shoulders slumping. What if he sent the letter and she wanted to talk in the afternoon after their classes? He had to get to the house in Hogsmeade. He didn't want to have a forgiving conversation with her then have to cut it short to leave. He didn't want to rush her. He also didn't want to have a big row with her again before leaving--he was already scared enough of the full moon as it was. _I'll send it when I get back_, he decided, putting the letter in his desk.

He didn't go to the library. He didn't want another scene. The Marauders were quite pleased that he stayed with them. They wound up spending ages challenging each other to eat gross every flavor bean flavors then James had all of them try on some of his wild shirts. Remus rarely wore bright colors or prints so it was weird to see his reflection in a brilliant purple and blue paisley print (he had hoped to nab the beige with orange paisley print since it was a lot more subdued but he admitted it looked good on Pete).

"Purple looks good on you," Sirius said, thonking his fist lightly against the top of Remus's head.

"You look good in green," Remus said though Sirius was wearing a blue shirt. Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Green and silver--AAAH!" he yelped with a laugh as Sirius grabbed at him. Sirius began chasing him around the room making quite violent threats against the safety of Remus's vital organs. He easily caught Remus, picking him up and throwing him into James's bed in retaliation while Remus just clutched at his sides, laughing.

"You're so light," Sirius said. "That wasn't difficult at all."

"Let me try," James said.

"Noooo!" Remus squealed as James wrapped his arms around him, pulling him off the bed and holding him. He stopped struggling, not liking being held but not wanting to send them both to the floor.

"Bloody hell, you _are_ light." James set him down.

"Lemme try." Peter came over.

"If you pick me up too I won't heluaaaa!" Peter picked him up, with more effort than the other too.

"Wow!" Pete set him back down. "You _are_ light. Even _I_ could pick you up."

Remus backed away from them, face burning as he brushed himself off. "I hate all of you. Hmph."

James gave a flourishing bow. "My _apologies_."

"How'd _you_ like it if I just randomly picked you up?!" Remus demanded.

That sent all three of his friends into fits of laughter. "I'd pay a galleon to see you try!" James wheezed.

"No," Sirius argued. "I don't want him to _hurt_ himself."

Remus folded his arms, glowering now. He could pick up all three of them together if he was willing to show off his inhuman strength. Which he couldn't. He didn't even want to show off he could pick up _one_ of them. "You're all--all--plague sores!" he finally settled on.

Then James began trying to lift Peter (doing a semi decently job) while Sirius muttered an apology to Remus who really didn't care that much. He didn't want to say it was only because he felt uncomfortable... scared of... being touched, so he shrugged it off. He couldn't explain the touching thing, how it made him _feel_. How it both felt so _good_ yet _hurt_ so much at the same time. Part of him really enjoyed it when they touched him, put their arms around him, their hands on his arm, even when they picked him up--wanting to tell them to do more of that. Part of him wanted to shove them away, to make them promise to never do it again, to put a spell around himself to make sure nobody could do that. It made no sense to Remus and he figured it would make negative sense trying to explain.

*

Remus woke up exhausted. The moon pulled at his bones even with the overcast sky. He forced himself into his uniform without even really paying attention, resulting in McGonagall taking a couple points away for untidiness due to his tie being a complete mess, the vest bunched up strange, and the bottom of his button-up shirt sticking out from under his vest instead of being nicely tucked in; his socks also didn't match but McGonagall didn't see that. He forgot to brush his hair too but on the way to Transfiguration Sirius ran his fingers through Remus's hair, smoothing it down as best he could.

In History he actually fell asleep, waking up to find multiple notes from his friends on his desk. Mostly from Sirius, amused that he had gone to sleep in class. Lunch was spent pushing food around, debating whether or not to go to Potions. He wanted to go to sleep again... just go to the house and crawl into bed and sleep until sundown. Except he couldn't, he had to push himself, couldn't let the wolf win.

_What did I say last time_? he wondered as they headed to the dungeons. _Did I say I was sick? Or my mother_? He was too tired to remember. He didn't want to use the same excuse again. Technically last time had been over the holidays but the time before that what did he tell them? _Oh, who cares_, he thought, planning on using his mother as an excuse until after Potions when Sirius said they were going to the hospital wing.

"You look on death's door, Remy," he explained.

Remus shook his head, wanting to argue. James linked his arm through his. "No, you're going. You look similar to the last time you had a relapse. Come on, no arguing."

He pulled Remus along, winding up pulling him past Lily who was talking to Snape. They both looked at him, Snape with a smug look, Lily rather anxious. Remus bowed his head not wanting to see either of them right now, relieved his friends didn't stop to bother them. They marched him to the hospital wing where Pomfrey did diagnostic spells for show then shooed the others out, saying that yes he was flaring up again and he needed to rest. After some time passed she got him outside into the drizzle, going to the Whomping Willow. Remus tried throwing a rock but it fell short. He was just too tired. Pomfrey got the passage open, bidding him goodbye there.

He really hadn't meant to come to the house _this_ early, there were still a few hours before sunset and now he had to deal with being alone with his thoughts. With his anxiety. No distractions except for reading which didn't really work too well, his anxiety was too loud. He paced around for a while then finally stripped off so he could take a nap. He intended to wake up before sunset however he didn't want to risk sleeping till sunset and destroying his clothes. He wrapped the blanket around himself, spending a good ten minutes going over every little thing said between him and Lily over the past couple days until finally he managed to fall asleep.

*

Once morning came, shrinking his body from wolf back to boy, his mind from animal to human, he found himself with... less gore than he expected. There was plenty. He had absolutely shredded the right side of his torso--four long rips, flaps of skin, muscle exposed. There was a deep bite mark on his left ankle, and he had shallow cuts all over. But he could walk. Sorta. Hobble. He could see. That had been what he was afraid of most, clawing out his own eyes again. He limped into the bathroom to clean himself off a bit then used the medical supplies to wrap his ankle. He wasn't sure how to bandage up his side. Finally he slapped some gauze against it then wrapped long white tape sort of stuff around his torso. It slid down a bit, looking like crap. Well. Pomfrey could teach him. He needed to learn anyway.

She came in just as he emerged from the bathroom, wearing only the hospital pajama bottoms. He had started bringing hospital pajamas with him so Pomfrey didn't need to conjure them every single morning. She fixed the bandage on his side then put a cloak around him after he got the pajama top on (slowly, painfully). As he did he noticed a mess in the kitchen.

"H--hold on." He went to the door, blinking, then blushing. He had woken up well before sunset the night before and had made some food for himself. He hadn't finished it all, throwing it out. Apparently the trash didn't just disappear immediately. Now the bin lay on the floor with a large dent in its side, the little bit of rubbish strewn everywhere, the food completely gone. He had... actually... gotten into the trash... as a wolf. His eyes flickered up and he saw two paw prints of dried blood on the side of the sink. Front paws. He must have licked the plate clean.

_Animal_. He shuddered, returning to Pomfrey, glad she hadn't followed him in. His eyes felt a bit watery though he didn't cry. He just felt _humiliated_, hoping Fawley wouldn't see _this_ memory.


	77. Chapter Seventy-Six - Sucking Out The Life Force

The second night of the full moon Remus decided to test something. He returned to house with a couple hours of daylight left, pretty much healed except for pink scars on his side. He immediately went to the kitchen to straighten things up then opened the fridge. It was magicked to only open to a human's hand--or partial human's hand, in his case--so he couldn't open it as a wolf. There were faint scratch marks from where he had certainly tried but the fridge held up well. There was a small platter of roasted chicken which would do nicely. He left it in the fridge for now, glad he didn't have to try and cook anything. He doubted it'd matter if it was cold or not. About ten minutes before sunset he took the platter back out, taking it into the living room to leave on the floor.

Shortly thereafter the curse took hold as the last bit of sun disappeared, letting the moon rule the sky. Remus's body ripped itself apart, his screams bouncing off the walls until his mind slipped into the dark nothingness.

When he came to in the morning he was disappointed to find blood everywhere, giant gashes in his body. _It didn't work_. He found a scrap of blanket, pulling it around his nakedness as he glanced wearily around. The platter was broken in two and there wasn't any trace of chicken anywhere. Then he studied his wounds. Claw marks, some bite marks, a chunk of flesh with wolf fur lay near him. Groaning, he staggered to his feet, slipping a little in the fresh blood, his arms flying out to try to keep his balance. There was a smear on the floor where his bare foot had slid. _Food didn't work_... He cautiously made his way to the bathroom, leaving tiny little bloody footprints behind. He had never tried that before--never _thought_ of that before. After seeing how little damage he had done to his body the previous night... or rather, how little he had done compared to what he had _expected_ because of the fight with Lily.... he had hoped that the trash had been the key, the food inside the rubbish bin. But no.

He sat on the shower floor, running a finger down one of the gashes, flinching in pain. _Nothing soothes the wolf_. He yelped as a hangnail got caught in his flesh, slumping down a little more. Blood swirled down the drain leaving temporary pink trails until those too were washed down. Soon he heard Pomfrey so he had to push himself back up to finish getting ready. Once out of the shower he dried himself off as best as possible, the towel getting streaks of blood. He pulled on underwear then let Pomfrey see him, asking her to please put the bandages on the Muggle way.

"I w-want to be able to do it m--myself," he said when she frowned.

"I see. I suppose it would help to teach you some simple spells. You won't be learning much healing magic until later on in Charms." She put the bandages on with her hands then showed him how to tighten them with magic, as well as the sticking spell to keep them locked together. He tried on his leg, the bandages getting far too tight. Pomfrey took them off and had him try again. It took a couple attempts but soon it worked semi-decently. Pomfrey took care of the rest then waited while he got into the pajamas.

"You really should speak to your friends by the way," she said as they went down the tunnel. "It seems they were trying to break into the hospital wing last night to see you."

Remus swallowed, his legs getting even shakier than they already were. "O...oh?"

"I don't know the full extent of what happened, merely than Minerva came by just before I left to make sure they _hadn't_ gotten in."

_It was a mistake letting them know where my little room is,_ he thought miserably. _If they ever do manage to get in at night they'd know where to look and I wouldn't be there_. "I'll try to t--talk to them."

"I have a surprise for you, once you get settled." Pomfrey looked very pleased all of a sudden. "Actually, I confess, it was Minerva's idea."

The idea turned out to be a very thick sort of drink. Once Remus was under the covers Pomfrey presented this to him. It smelled like bacon and eggs. "I used magic for the taste, however it is full of calories and nutrition. I mentioned that you rarely were able to eat in the morning so she suggested this."

Remus took a sip. It _tasted_ like bacon and eggs. He took a deep suck at the straw. It was... good? Sorta? Just weird drinking breakfast like that. However McGonagall was on the right track: it didn't take very much energy and also didn't really hurt him like it sometimes did to mess with forks or spoons (or even his shaky hands, when he tried eating toast). He just had the glass set against his chest while he sleepily slurped the meal down.

"It's b-brilliant," he said once he got the last bit gone, nearly asleep as Pomfrey took the empty cup away. "Th--thanks..." Then he drifted off.

*

Remus felt pretty good when he woke up at lunchtime. Better than normal, even when he had lesser wounds than this. _Must have been the fact I ate something. Drank something_. He peeled back gauze to check his wounds. Some were scars, some were still gaping open. When he went to the bathroom connected to his room he saw in the mirror that while he still looked impossibly pale and deathly ill, he thought perhaps it was _slightly_ not as bad as normal? He wasn't sure. He'd have to wait till a _really_ bad night to find out for sure which he hoped would take a long, long time to test out.

When Pomfrey brought lunch she also brought a small bouquet of flowers with a card attached. Remus gobbled down the food (proper food, not liquid) then looked at the card figuring it was from the other Marauders or something though flowers didn't seem very _them_.

_Remus,_

_I'm so sorry for everything. I wanted to talk to you Thursday night but Potter told me you were practically needing to go to Saint Mungo's. I tried to come see you but Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let me near you. I really am sorry. I was acting so dumb. I have so much more to say but I'd rather say it to your face. I don't know if I'll be allowed to see you soon. I hope so. Just please get better soon. I hope you're not having to go off to the hospital._

_Love, Lily_

_PS: Black told me it was my fault you had a relapse cause of what I said to you. I don't think he's telling me the truth but if he is I am very sorry_

He asked Pomfrey for some paper so he could reply back, thinking carefully about his words before writing them down because he was super mad. Not at Lily but at Sirius for telling her that. How could he?!

_Lily,_

_I'm sorry too. I wrote a letter to you but didn't get a chance to send it before I was locked up in the hospital wing. I'm sorry for what I said too except I _was_ telling the truth. I try to give Snape a chance but I don't think he wants one from me. As for what James & Sirius may or may not have done trying to stop them is like a Muggle trying to stop a storm._

He had liked that analogy in his original letter so of course he had to bring it back.

_I guess we both were acting dumb. And while it did really hurt me how you acted it is **NOT** why I got sick again! It has NOTHING to do with that! Sirius is just being an ogre. I'm feeling a little better already. Pomfrey says I'll probably be allowed to leave on Sunday or Monday depending how today goes rest-wise. So we can talk when I can, yeah?_

_Remus_

*

On Sunday morning Remus had quite a few nasty wounds though he tried the food-being-left-out thing again just for another experiment. Not an excessive amount of gore... not any less than a typical night. He had some deep wounds on his chest making it difficult to breathe, pain stabbing every time his chest moved. After a quick(ish) scrub down he tried to patch himself up with the spell he learned the day before. He cried out in pain when the bandages tightened them around his chest and when Pomfrey arrived she did some diagnostics to find out he had a broken rib.

At Hogwarts he had another breakfast shake which tasted like chocolate. This one he sucked down within minutes, making sure he mentioned how much he preferred this one. Hopefully he'd get a chocolate one _every_ morning after a full moon. Then he fell asleep, vague nightmares of broken bones and Lily shouting at him swirling around his head.

While he ate lunch he pondered over the whole not-as-bad-as-he-expected thing. Was the wolf going easier on him? Or--did his fight with Lily really not touch on him as much as he thought it did? It hurt _so much_ as a human and he _thought_ whatever agitated him as a human would agitate the wolf. When he had been upset over Fawley talking about the Blacks involvement in her sister's execution it had been one of the worst full moon stretches ever. Was it just because that _did_ affect the wolf? Was the wolf... aware? Of his memories? Was it more than just anxious, stressed human = anxious, stressed wolf?

_Does it have a mind of its own_? he wondered as he poked at the steak Pomfrey had brought him. He thought he knew the wolf. He felt it as a human, felt its anger, its desire to lash out... sometimes it tried to control him outside the moon. But this was a brand new possibility. When he was a full blown wolf... was he... more than just the violent fury? Was there something_ else_ there? Something that raged against thoughts of another wolf's execution but didn't care about the silly, asinine fights two 12 year olds would have? Or... did the fight with Lily not really cause as much emotional trauma as he thought it did? Was it all on the surface? What was it? Why was it?

He took a big bite of the steak, chewing without really tasting it despite steak being one of his favorite things (which was, he suspected, because of the wolf too. He hadn't come across any kind of meat he hadn't liked yet). He wished there was another werewolf he could talk to. Ask. He wished he wasn't so... alone...

*

Remus left the hospital wing about an hour before supper. He had some healing wounds on his chest still but otherwise felt okay, albeit quite tired. At least always wearing too-big clothes meant his jumper easily hid the bulky bandages underneath. He walked (slowly) to the Great Hall, not really feeling like going all the way up to the dorm only to come back down in an hour. Nobody he knew was in the Hall though so he sat by himself, reading the Muggle fiction book he had with him all weekend though hadn't read very much yet. It was incredibly good, one of the best books he had ever read even if he didn't understand a lot of it due to it being very... science-y and technological.

He was _so_ engrossed in the book that the time passed by quickly and he never even heard anyone coming up behind him until suddenly someone put their hands over his eyes. He yelped in shock, dropping the book.

"Guess who?" asked a muffled voice.

"Sirius, I _know_ it's you!" Remus pried his hands off, glaring a bit, hoping Sirius wouldn't ask how he knew since it was from his scent. "You frightened me."

"Sorrrryyyy." He plopped down next to Remus, grinning. "Welcome back. You still look awful."

"Thanks." He scooped the book up, finding his place.

"_The Andromeda Strain_?" Sirius squinted at the title. "Is that about the galaxy or the myth?"

"Neither. It's about these extraterrestrial microorganisms from space killing people and scientists trying to figure out what they are and how to stop it," Remus mumbled, putting the bookmark into the right spot. "It's _really_ good."

"Lemme be the judge of that." Sirius took the book, flipping open to the spot he just marked. "'In essence it functioned as a giant switchboard fully... com... comp... uhhh comm...cohm-putt-er-ihzed...'"

"Computerized," Remus corrected. He hoped Sirius didn't ask him what that meant since he only had a vague understanding of the Muggle device from the fictional books he read.

"'The three rooms of the delta sector were quiet... all that could be heard was the soft hum of--of _spinning tape drums'_?!" Sirius shook his head, shoving the book back into his hands. "You're weird, mate. _Really_ weird." He thonked his fist gently against Remus's head like he had just a few days before. "Your brain is probably super big. Unnaturally big. That's why you're so small, your brain is sucking all your life force into it, taking away from your body."

"Shut up." Sirius began making loud slurping sounds. Remus laughed, shoving at him as he came in close, the sounds even more wet and disgusting. "Stooop!"

"That's your brain." His eyes swept the table then he grabbed a glass, pouring some pumpkin juice into it. "I'm your brain, this is your life force." He began slurping even louder. Except he was laughing as he did, spilling the juice everywhere. Remus was laughing too, harder now, which sent waves of pain through him from his still injured chest.

"Where are the others?" Remus asked when he could finally talk again.

Sirius began cleaning the juice off his face and shirt (one of James's, he pretty much exclusively wore James's shirts over the past couple months). "Detention. We might have gotten in some big time trouble Friday night."

"Ooh, Pomfrey said you were trying to get into the hospital wing... what happened?"

Sirius told him everything. He and James wanted to explore the school so they decided to have Peter be the Door Guardian like Remus did occasionally. Peter happily agreed, so Sirius and James went out exploring. They returned to find the Fat Lady gone so they waited. And waited. And waited. They hid whenever Filch or his cat went by but at one point they were caught, taken to McGonagall. They pulled out the puppy dog eyes, telling McGonagall they had just gone to the hospital wing to see Remus, that's _all_, they missed him and Pomfrey wouldn't let them see her. It actually worked, to an extent. They only got one night of detention. Until McGonagall escorted them back to the common room. When the three of them went in Peter didn't notice McGonagall and started apologizing for falling asleep while 'on watch'. Whether McGonagll got annoyed because it was planned instead of spur of the moment or that they roped Peter into their nighttime excursion or what, they weren't exactly sure. Just that Sirius and James got two more nights of detention while Peter got one night.

"Decided she didn't want me and Jimmy to be in detention together," Sirius finished as food began appearing across the table. "I have my first at six tonight."

That reminded Remus that he still had a couple nights to serve for what he did to Mulciber. Maybe McGonagall would give it to him soon and he'd be able to serve with either Sirius or James. That'd be nice. He was also reminded of Lily's letter when he saw Snape going to the Slytherin table.

Remus swiveled his head, gathering the nerve to ask. He... didn't want to but he had to. "Sirius, did you--t-talk to Lily about... my relapse?"

His face immediately darkened and suddenly he was very interested in the food he put on his plate. "I don't really remember. I think she asked us where you were. James said you were in the hospital."

"Is that... all?" Sirius pushed a cauliflower around in circles before he began rolling it through some melted cheese. "Sirius?"

He tossed his hair back, a smile plastering on his face. "Cheese makes veggies much better, don't you agree?" He popped the cauliflower into his mouth. "Mmm."

"Sirius."

He swallowed, letting his fork drop. "You talk to her, then? When? Did Pomfrey let her come see you? How come _we_ couldn't see you? That really doesn't seem fair at all."

"She sent me a get well card which included an apology in case it was her fault I had gotten sick again," Remus said a little more snappish than he meant to.

At least Sirius finally looked guilty. "I might... have said... something... along those lines." Remus just gave him a hard stare until he gave a loud groan. "Fine! Yes! I told her that. Because come on, she says those things then you got all sick again. I thought--you get all... you know... emotionally d--upset. And all anxious. I thought that brought your, errrr, whatever it is back."

"Emotionally _what_?" he demanded. Sirius didn't reply. "Emotionally disturbed? Is that what you were going to say?"

"No! I--I swear I was going to say emotionally down."

Remus didn't believe him, but he didn't want to focus on that right now. "That had _nothing_ to do with my--sickness. Nothing at all." Sirius sniffled, stabbing bits of cauliflower now and dunking them in the cheese. "It's completely _rotten_ of you to even imply that let alone _say_ so to her!" Sirius used a bit of cauliflower to gloop cheese all over his plate, some of it going off his plate onto the table. "Are you even listening to me? How would you like it if someone told you that?"

Sirius's head snapped back up, silver eyes blazing. "I'd never say those things to you, I actually _like_ you."

Even in the middle of an intense conversation (fight...?) hearing those words made Remus have a flare of joy inside of him. Then after the brief, warm feelings (that lingered down deep) he returned to feeling on edge. He didn't want to fight with Sirius. He didn't think he could stand it. He thought he'd completely _shatter_ if Sirius started hating him too, or James, or Peter.

"That doesn't change the fact you--you accused her of such a thing, and it's _horrible_. It's... frustrating. I don't care if you don't get along. I don't get along with Snape. But I'd never tell Snape it's _his_ fault Lily got super sick or anything. I mean, you _do_ understand how awful it is, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm not _that_ stupid." He was stabbing his food now, jaw clenched tight. "It was dumb of me to say, all right? I admit it. I'll... _apologize_... to her if that's what you really want." He sounded so furious, as if apologizing would kill him or something.

"It would be a g--good thing to do," Remus said stiffly. He reached up, rubbing his chest where his wound was hurting from how tight his muscles had gotten. He flinched in pain, hoping it hadn't been opened up again. It probably hadn't....... right?

Sirius's expression immediately softened. "You just got out of the hospital and I've just caused problems for you. I didn't mean to..."

Remus managed a bit of a smile. "No. I'm f--fine just... really tired. Look, I appreciate you standing up for me just... not at the sake of bashing my other friends. This was between me and Lily, and we were going to talk about it today. Or tomorrow. I--I'm not sure." He didn't know what to say now, whether Sirius was upset or not. If he needed to try to smooth things over... reassure Sirius he wasn't angry? Which, well, he kinda was but he wasn't going to pursue that, wasn't going to risk anything with the Marauders right now. That would come down the line when he needed to cut things off for his own safety. Not yet.

Sirius leaned forward, across the table. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

He almost lied completely, almost said 'of course not' then changed his mind. He wasn't sure why. Possibly Fawley, telling him how important communication was for any kind of relationship even though he wasn't really on board with that idea. "A little, I guess."

He reached over to squeeze Remus's arm. "You're one of my best friends. I don't want to ever hurt you."

That warm joyful feeling came back. _Best friend_. He wondered if that was different from a pinky-promised friend. "You're one of my best friends too," Remus said, the complete truth in those words. And almost as soon as he said it there were the other two, James and Peter, rushing in. They both looked filthy from cleaning the staff room but James had black streaks all over him since he had tackled the fireplace there, having to do it the _Muggle_ way. He hugged Remus when he saw him, not even thinking about the soot which got all over Remus. James laughed, apologizing, but Remus didn't really care. They were all so happy to see him back, telling him that they had been worried, missed him, etc, etc.

_I hope Fawley's wrong_, he thought as they began eating. Peter and James were talking about the staff room, telling them about what it looked like. Peter had snooped in a bunch of the cupboards and drawers but hadn't found anything interesting. _I hope we don't fight_.

He glanced over as Lily came into the Great Hall. She was chatting with Inkwood then stopped when she spotted Remus. She froze, eyes going big. Slowly she raised her hand, giving him a small wave. Remus gave a small wave back. The other Marauders saw this but none of them said anything about it they just continued with their conversation except James gave Remus's arm a pat as Lily approached.

"You're back," she said. "I'm glad you're all right."

"Er, y--yeah. Did--did you get my note?"

"I did," she said nervously, shifting from foot to foot. "Did you... want to talk after supper?"

"Yeah that'd be--be good."

"Okay."

"Hey, Evans." Sirius stood up. "A--about what I said. Errr... the thing is... I guess I shouldn't have said it..."

Lily's expression hardened. "No, you shouldn't have. But don't worry about apologizing since I doubt you'd mean it anyway. We're _both_ aware neither of us like each other so as long as Remus is all right, no need to say anything to _me_." Sirius looked quite taken aback by this as he slowly sat back down, not really knowing it was pretty similar to what Remus had said to Lily about Snape in the past. "I'll see you after supper?" she asked Remus who nodded. "Okay. Um. Okay." She hurried back to Inkwood.

Sirius folded his arms. "You all saw me try to apologize. I did _my_ part. Stupid cow."


	78. Chapter Seventy-Seven - Studying Is Unhealthy

After supper James and Peter went to the Gryffindor tower, Sirius went to detention, and Remus waited by the entrance to the Great Hall for Lily to come out. They had finished up eating a bit early so he sat down with his book, not seeing the words. Finally Lily came out. He rocketed to his feet, tucking the book into his bag, watching her approach him. He hoped they were going somewhere more _private _to talk, it seemed a little awkward to do so right there in the main, big entrance hall.

"Wanna go outside?" she asked when she finally reached him.

He followed her down a hillside, towards some tall stones whose purpose was unknown to Remus. Lily leaned against one of them, eyes locked on him as if she expected him to start. He toed the ground, no idea where to even begin. He couldn't really apologize for his friends' actions, he didn't want to apologize for what he said in the library, and it seemed odd to apologize for not _stopping_ his friends. Also he didn't want to apologize for her being hurt cause that seemed like it shifted the blame entirely on her.

"Are you sure you're better? Cause you still look a bit... ill," Lily finally said.

"Oh. Y--yeah, I'm mostly better." He picked up a rock to study it, to give his hands something to do, to give his eyes something to look at. "You had n-n-nothing to do w--with that."

"I know." She pushed some of her hair back but the wind just whipped it back into her face. "I never really thought I did, to be honest. Black's just a total _dunce_. I figured he was just trying to make me mad. Or hurt me. Since I hurt you."

"I--I'm glad you d-didn't take it to heart." He turned the rock over, unable to look at her. "I--I'm sorry that I hurt you too. I mean, I... meant what I s-said but--I shouldn't have said it."

Lily came closer to him. The wind was blowing away from them however he could still easily smell the scent of strawberries that always came off of her. Shampoo? Soap? Just her natural scent? Could people naturally smell like strawberries? She also smelled like spring. Not because they were in spring and the scent was everywhere, but she smelled like spring even in the autumn and winter. A scent he couldn't really explain. Just, some people smelled like seasons. But not everyone Like James smelled like the summer--of sunshine and grass and outdoors--while Sirius and Peter didn't really remind Remus of any specific season. If he had to choose he'd probably say summer for Pete, and winter for Sirius. That'd probably be closest.

"I said stuff I shouldn't have said." She tried pushing her hair again to no avail. "I was just so _furious_ at them. I was also angry that you didn't try to stop them but--I guess you're right. I can't imagine being able to stop _those_ two. I--er, talked to Sev. About some of the stuff you said. He told me he did do the tongue curse in the library." She bowed her head. "I'm sorry I believed him over you."

"It's okay--"

"No it's not, you--"

"L-Lily." Finally they properly looked into each other's faces. "It r-really is okay. I was upset at th--the time but he _is_ your f-friend, your g-good friend. It was--was either him or me."

"I should have listened to you," she replied sternly. "I shouldn't have just... assumed the worst, because of your friends." Remus raised his eyebrows and she sighed. "Just--Potter and Black do so much to him it... I guess I automatically assume he's the victim. Which... isn't right. And I'm sorry for that."

Remus toed the ground again, pushing at the grass. "Th--thank you. For the apology."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, for... what I said to you, after the--the shampoo thing." She kicked at the ground as well, rougher than him. "It was wrong of me. I've been a crap friend."

"No you haven't--"

"I have, though. I've been a--an absolute hypocrite, haven't I? You know, I asked him if you've ever been nice to him and he said no you've always been rude." Lily gave a short laugh at that. "Yet you've _always_ told me it's okay I'm friends with someone you dislike, but _he's_ always trying to tell me not to be friends with you."

"B--because he thinks I'm c-crazy or because I am sick?" he asked though he knew for a fact those were only parts of it.

"Both. Plus..." She bit her bottom lip, eyes darting to the side. "I dunno, he seems to think blood status is important."

"Oh."

"Which is stupid." Remus nodded in agreement. Lily crossed her arms, rubbing her arms anxiously. "Oh, curses, this is _weird_ and I'm tired of pussyfooting around. Are we still friends?"

"I--hope so. I'd _like_ to be. You--I--we're... um... I--I'd like to be."

She threw her arms around him, hugging tightly. Remus jerked a little bit, dropping the rock, then tentatively put his arms around _her_, hugging back. Luckily it mostly felt good with only a little bit of please-no-touch panic, and a little bit of ouch-the-claw-wound-on-my-chest pain.

"I'm sorry, you're sorry... We forgive each other?" she asked as she pulled back.

Remus smiled, quite happily. "Of course." She hugged him once more but only briefly before she let go.

"Black is a jerk still though."

"I know." Then, "So is Snape."

Lily flinched just slightly. "I--I know," she admitted. "And if anything happens--I mean, between you and Sev, I won't automatically take his side."

"I--errr, I appreciate that though..." He thought back to what Fawley said, wishing she didn't have to be so _right_ all the time. "I know... he d--doesn't have many friends so... I understand wh-why you do."

She shook her head. "You _look_ younger than 12 but you definitely _sound_ older. A lot older."

"Thanks," he said, rolling his eyes, trying to stop himself from smiling but he couldn't because he felt so happy. "Thanks for reminding me I look like a little kid."

Lily giggled behind her hand. "I'm sorry, but you do." She pat his head and he managed a scowl. "I guess... is it because of your--" She stopped suddenly, blushing slightly. "I mean, er, your illness?"

What was she going to say? "I dunno. M--maybe? My m-mother is pretty d-delicate too so I g-guess I get it from her."

"And... she's got the same thing you have?"

_Ooh, right_. "Um, yeah, b--but a lot of her f-family is small too," he put in quickly, "and my d-dad isn't that big." His mother was around 5'1 if he remembered correctly, and his father 5'6. Remus hoped he'd end up more on his father's side of things height-wise. If he had to go through life being so small... urgh. It wouldn't be fun. He pictured all his friends shooting up in height and weight, becoming Big and Strong while he stayed stupidly Small. It'd be _embarrassing_. Especially since he _knew_ Sirius was going to end up super tall, he was already the tallest boy in the first year. Stupid Sirius with his stupid long legs. Maybe Pete would be nice and stay on the shorter side with Remus.

"I'll probably be tall," Lily said with a sigh. "Both my parents are pretty tall, and Petunia's getting really tall." Her hand went to her neck in a self-conscious manner. "She's got a really long neck too."

"I think your neck looks fine."

For some reason that made Lily go even redder. "Oh, Remus," she giggled but didn't clarify what she meant by that, leaving Remus entirely in the dark as to why it made her all flustered. "Your mother's Muggle, right?"

Where did that come from? "Y--yeah."

"And you got... um... _that_ from her, right? Your blood thing?"

Why was she going on about his illness? Because he just got out of the hospital wing? Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah. Um, yeah. Why?"

Lily just shrugged. "I guess I sorta thought whatever was going on with you was more magical. I guess I thought magic doctors could fix Muggle diseases. That'd be pretty screwed up though, if they had cures for things like..." she dropped her voice, like it was a dirty word, "...cancer..." then her voice returned to normal, "and just weren't sharing it."

Cancer? Is that what she thought he had? "There are p-p-plenty of diseases we c-can't cure. Like some c--cancer... um, dragonpox. Some people st-still die from that. And..." He tried to think of other vicious diseases but all he could think of was _lycanthropy_. "...and plenty of others. In--including Muggle stuff." He really didn't want the conversation to be on this topic. How had they gone from making up to talking about their heights to _this_? "I--I'm really glad we're still friends."

"Me too." Lily took his hand. "I've been feeling awful all weekend. I wanted to talk to you Thursday night but when I tried to find you, that's when they told me you were sick again but I should have known."

"How could you have known?" _And why are we still talking about this_?

Lily's eyes got huge. "It's obvious, isn't it? You looked _so_ awful after Potions. You looked ready to just pass out. I'm a bit surprised Professor Slughorn didn't make you go to the hospital wing, to be perfectly frank."

"Oh."

"You still look awful. Should you even be out of the hospital?"

"The w-w-worst is over, I'll be okay," he promised, realizing she was still holding his hand. He wondered how on earth he could have stumbled upon two such touchy-feely friends like James and Lily? Fourteen hours ago that hand was a monstrous paw that was ripping into his own flesh. He suddenly yanked his hand free, getting shaky as that image continued on to his hand becoming a paw right there and then and ripping into Lily. Except he didn't want her to think he didn't want to hold her hand (even though he really didn't) so he doubled over, coughing as realistically as he could, using one hand over his mouth and the other to clutch his chest.

"The worst is over, eh?" she demanded with narrowed eyes.

"Y--yeah, that's... I'm all right." He gave another couple of feeble coughs then straightened up. "I th--think I should go lie down though. Sorry. I--thank--thank you. For, er, you know. Everything."

She took his other hand, not the one he had coughed into, and linked their pinkies together. Neither of them said anything, just squeezed pinkies, then let go.

*

Remus had minor nightmares that night, nothing too terrible but enough to wake him. The first time he woke up he thought it wasn't of his own accord because he heard very muffled crying. The sound faded and Remus fell back asleep. After some time passed he woke up again, this time from a rather miserable nightmare where his hands were permanently paws. He was sweaty, feeling a little ill, needing both to empty his bladder and also get some water. He got out of bed, feet feeling around for his slippers then headed for the bathroom. Once back he took the water pitcher that always stood on one of the small tables and tiptoed to his bed for the glass he kept there. When he took a long swig he noticed Sirius's bed was empty.

_Must have snuck out without saying anything to me_, he thought then looked over at James's bed whose curtains were shut. Curious, Remus went over to peek in. James was there--and so was Sirius. He was curled up in a small ball against James, his head against James's chest while James's arms were rather protectively around him even in sleep. Remus quietly shut the curtains, retreating to his own bed. He took a few more sips of water before slipping back under his covers. He really didn't think anything much of the two of them in the same bed but as he drifted off he couldn't help think it connected to the crying that had woken him earlier.

*

May first, and only five weeks before the exams! Four of those nights would be spent as a wolf so Remus felt he really needed to get cracking. He hadn't been following his self-imposed studying schedule very well and because of his fighting with Lily (plus the full moon) he hadn't even gone to study group in over a week. Minus five nights of Occlumency lessons, too.

"You okay?" Peter asked at breakfast as Remus stared at the notes he had scribbled down, with the hours he had left to study. "You're looking peaky again."

"Fine," Remus mumbled, not even paying attention to breakfast ever since owl post came and he received a letter from his mother that worried him. After that he started doing calculations. _Two hours of free time in the afternoons on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Four on Tuesdays, two on Thursdays... minus the full moons... afternoons will give me fifty-six hours... evenings minus Occlumency... I can eat faster adding on more time from breakfast, lunch, and dinner... and of course all day on the weekends... minus the full moon..._

His head began hurting a little so he set his quill down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You do realize sitting here making all these little annoying maths stuff is taking away from your study time, right?" Sirius joked. Remus's head snapped up and what little color that was in his face flooded away. "Oh, crap, Remy--no, I didn't mean--I was only teasing--" But it was too late. Remus pulled out his Potions book to try to cram information in his head. He _had_ to memorize every little detail on Potions especially. His practical exam would be terrible so he needed to be more than perfect on the written.

A finger appeared over the book, jerking it down. "You've gotta eat some breakfast at least," James said.

Peter helpfully put some food on his plate. "Er, right, thanks." Remus shoveled some eggs in his mouth before drifting back to the book, barely hearing his friends sighing. At least Lily also seemed freaked out over how little time they had left. She told him as they walked to Charms that she felt physically ill. Sure they survived the minor exams, the not-so-important ones before the holidays, but these were the _big_ ones. The Important ones. The ones deciding whether they'd get to their second year or not. James pointed out that they were the two smartest Gryffindor first years--possibly the two smartest first years period ("At least Remus is definitely the smartest first year," he added) so if _they_ did have a chance, how could anyone else fare?

"That's not the point," Lily said harshly. "All sorts of things could go wrong."

"Exactly," Remus agreed. "Besides, I want the best grades I could possibly get." Even if just for himself, to show that werewolves weren't dumb slobbering beasts. To show to his parents that going to Hogwarts was a good idea. If he got less than perfect grades what if they decided Hogwarts wasn't the right choice? What if they decided _yeah it was a good attempt but he only got an E on his Transfiguration exam so what's the point_? His stomach churned violently at that thought.

"We should study after study group, you and me," Lily said.

"Good idea," Remus said.

"I liked it better when they were fighting, if she's taking him away from us," James grumbled under his breath to the other two Marauders.

Remus forgot to eat lunch, spending the time with his Potions book instead. He also didn't notice the worried looks his friends gave each other. When it was time to go to Defense Sirius grabbed a sandwich, offering it to him as they went. Remus frowned at the food then realized he was hungry.

"You don't need to study _that_ much," James said lightly as Remus shoved the sandwich in his mouth.

"Yef--" He stopped so he could swallow. "Yes I do."

"What Jimmy said earlier was right, you're so _smart_," Peter said. "Plus it's still ages away. At least wait till it's closer to start panicking."

Remus just finished eating the sandwich, not responding. They didn't understand. At least Lily did. That night after study group (which Silverlocke was _very_ happy to see Remus return to) the two of them took over a table in the common room to study, their heads bent in together as they quietly quizzed each other. Lily confessed the reason she was afraid was because she was Muggleborn.

"That's why I want to have the best grades I can, to _prove_ I can," she said, chewing at her quill. "Is that dumb?"

"No," he said, since he was in a similar boat even though he couldn't admit it. He could say part of it. "I'm worried if my grades aren't good enough my parents will think there's no point for me to be here and keep me home where they can monitor my illness better."

Neither of them pointed out to the other that they really were the top two students in the first year. They both knew the other would just shake their head or roll their eyes, dismiss it, not accept that as a reason not to be totally anxious about the exams a month away. Though Remus was a little jealous about Lily. He thought she was smarter than him, a lot cleverer, quicker on the ability to memorize wand movements, brilliant at Potions. He had no clue Lily was jealous of him for almost the same reasons. She thought he was smarter than her, a lot more intelligent, easily absorbing information into his head, a master in History without trying. He'd find this out later in their friendship but for now he just watched her practice wand movements, wishing he were as good as her.

Because the curfew was only for out-of-common-room territory the two stayed up quite late. In fact the common room was empty when they finally stretched, figuring they might as well finish up for the night. Remus was just glancing at the clock (midnight) when footsteps came down the boys' stairs.

"You still up?" It was James and Sirius, both looking rather cross. They were fully dressed in black clothes and they only wore socks so Remus suspected they wanted to go... well... marauding.

"Just finishing up," Remus said while Lily looked them up and down. "Do you--errr... need me?"

"If you'd like," Sirius said, glancing at Lily. James clasped his hands together in a 'pleeeeasseee?' manner, fluttering his eyelashes to boot.

"Why do you two look like robbers?" she asked as she got up, gathering her books.

"Why do you look like--" Sirius started then actually stopped himself, eyes darting to Remus. "Never mind."

"Wow. Sirius Black stopping himself from being a twat." Lily nodded appreciatively. "Impressive. Goodnight, Remus." She turned on her heels, marching up the girls' stairs.

"Th--thank you," Remus muttered to Sirius as he stacked his own books up.

Sirius rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Yeah, well, you just got over a fight with her. Didn't want you to get all moony about it again."

"I--I wasn't moony!"

"Were so," James said, smacking Remus's back. "Now, we'll see you in a bit, yeah? Cause you won't fall asleep like _some_ Marauders we know."

Remus sighed loudly. "I won't. I'll just study some more."

"Sounds exceedingly unhealthy to me," James sniffled then prodded at Sirius. "C'mon then, let's go." He tossed his fancy watch at Remus before he and Sirius disappeared through the portrait hole.

Remus missed catching the watch, of course, then settled into the armchair nearest the entrance to continue studying, ignoring the on-and-off headache he had started to get earlier. It was probably something he should be worrying about however with his lycanthropic healing abilities he figured he could just ignore it. He could deal with a bit of pain for a while. Because... he had to.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the letter from his mother that morning.

_I know school is very important_, she wrote near the end, _however sometimes I feel like it'd be better if you were here. Completely. I love you so much baby but the risks are just so great for such a little payoff. What good is risking your own life just for a little bit of basic knowledge you could learn at home?_

If he got all Os, or mostly Os, then she'd see. It was more than just basic knowledge. If he did better than his father ever did at school, surely then they'd see how important Hogwarts was. Translating Beauxbaton grades to Hogwarts grades he knew his father mostly got Es with a couple As (History, Healing which Hogwarts didn't have for some reason) and a couple Os (Defense Against the Dark Arts and Wizarding Law, which again Hogwarts did not have for some reason). So... he needed as many Os as possible. Better than his father. Had to be. Then, they'd see--they'd understand.

Right?

Remus shook his head, took a sip of water to see if that would help ease the headache (it didn't) then returned to his Defense book with determination.


	79. Chapter Seventy-Eight - Confundus

Remus trudged miserably into Occlumency, exhausted, vaguely hungry. He hadn't eaten much that day, spending most his meal time with books. He hadn't gotten much sleep the night before either: James and Sirius hadn't come back in till nearly three in the morning. Remus halfway wanted to ask to cancel these lessons until after exams however he also _needed_ them, needed to learn Occlumency as soon as possible. Unfortunately Fawley noticed how tired he looked and wanted to talk for a bit before the got started. He skirted around the truth, saying he looked this way due to staying up for mischief making. She believed him until she went into his memories full of cramming.

"You resisted a little again," she said when she broke contact after a few minutes. The words should have been encouraging however she sounded worried. "You seem to be quite intent on studying."

"Yes... w-well, the exams are c-coming up in a few weeks," he replied, rubbing his temples since his head was still hurting a bit. His stomach hurt a bit too from lack of food.

Fawley drummed her fingers against the arm of the couch. "You're a very intelligent boy. I'm sure you'll pass everything with flying colors."

He wasn't sure if she'd definitely see the letter from his mother but there was a chance, or else see his thoughts about the whole thing, so there wasn't really a way to keep this from her. He might as well say. So he shared his fears about being kept home if his grades weren't good enough then told her about the bit in the letter. Fawley replied that what Hope wrote didn't necessarily mean she intended to try to keep him home _just_ because of his grades.

"I imagine it's very difficult for her, you're her child whom she obviously loves very much. It can't be easy to be separated from you like this, with your safety in someone _else's_ hands instead of her own."

"I _know_," he grumbled, probably lot huffier than he meant, but he did know this, he know how hard it was for her, she said so in almost every single letter. "But th--that's why I want good grades. That way they can know, they can _see_ that it's good I go here."

"I understand." Fawley rubbed her chin in thought. "May I say something?"

"Er, of--course?"

She scooted closer, tilting her head with a rather conspiratorial look on her face. "I have a possible idea that you could use if your mother gets _very_ insistent on you remaining at home. I... don't wish to encourage this sort of... falsehood..."

"I don't mind falsehood," he said brightly. "Not if it keeps me _here_."

Fawley laughed. "It is not necessarily a _lie_. However, you could... mention..." She hesitated, as if she didn't really want to say. Remus began to grow both excited and nervous wondering what on earth she could possibly say! "You never know when something to aid werewolves will be discovered."

"Er..." He deflated a little. That definitely wasn't what he had been expecting.

Fawley took hold of his hand. "I suspect that it would most likely be a werewolf who would discover such a possibility."

"I d-don't under..." He trailed off, eyes going wide. "Are you s-s-suggesting that--I t-tell my m-m-mother--"

"No, no, no, not _tell_. Merely..." She stroked her own cheek in thought, tilting her head upwards towards the ceiling as she figured out which word to use. "...imply. Who knows? You're extremely intelligent, you may very well one day find something one day. _With_ a proper education of course."

Remus just sat very still, letting her words settle in him. That could work. Implying... suggesting... hinting... If his mother _was_ so intent on keeping him at home (which he kinda figured would be happening this summer) then, well, he could... _imply_... that... a cure could come from almost anyone, why not a werewolf? Why not _him_? Course that still meant having the best grades possible. If he went home with almost all Os except for Defense and Potions then--well, he'd have to get the best grade possible in Potions too, because that'd be a probable agency for a cure. Could he pull an O? What if he did extra credit? Would Slughorn accept extra credit? If he--if he could plug up his _nose_ then--then he'd do better!

"...mus?"

He jumped a little having completely forgotten where he was. "Sorry, Miss Fawley. Thank you s-so much for this idea, I think it will work. I'll only use it if I absolutely have to but--thank you."

He just hoped she didn't notice that this just pushed him more towards studying every second he possibly could.

*

_Please report to the hospital wing at 6pm exactly tonight (Wednesday the Third) for your detention._

Remus glowered at the note he got during breakfast. He'd have to miss study group! He had sorta already forgotten he had a couple detentions he needed to serve. Couldn't they wait till _after_ the exams? Sighing, he tucked the scrap of paper into his pocket. James asked what was wrong so Remus told him.

"Hospital?" James crinkled his nose up. "I haven't ever had detention _there_!"

"Me either, and we've had loads of detention between the two of us," Sirius mused.

"Has there even been one week of school where neither of you had detention?" Peter asked.

Sirius and James looked at each other. "Ummm... yeah! The first week!" James said. "I don't think either of us got detention the first week. Which is a total travesty."

"Next year we'll try to get detention on the first day," Sirius suggested. James nodded in cheerful agreement.

"Any particular reason you're _aiming_ to get detention?" Remus asked as he got his book back out.

"Badge of honor," James said solemnly, placing a hand over his heart.

Sirius leaned close to Remus. "You're a nerd, can you tell us what's the quickest anyone's got detention here?"

Remus glared up at him. "No, that's not exactly mentioned in _Hogwarts, a History_."

Peter began laughing. "Maybe you'll get an award. Most Detentions."

James and Sirius's faces both lit up and Remus gave Peter a gentle kick. "Don't encourage them!" Remus hissed. Peter responded by sticking out his tongue.

"This calls for some intense research," James said, dropping his voice. "We'll need a time when Filch is out of his office for ages. Then we can go through, looking at _all_ the detention slips. Think you can get your ghostie friend to distract him again?"

"There's... bound to be... more than you could look through," Remus said.

"Maybe so," Sirius said, rubbing his chin. "But you're a genius and can do that sort of thing super quickly, yeah? You're _good_ at research."

"The best," James said.

"If anyone could do something like that, it'd be you," Peter added.

Remus just buried his nose back in his book, not even deigning an answer to them. He knew they'd continue to bug him about it until he gave him but he had too much to deal with today so he wasn't going to worry about it. Studying plus detention. With Pomfrey. What would _that_ entail? Cleaning out the bathrooms? Bedpans? Something to do with shelving medicines? An inventory check would be interesting, he hoped that's what it was.

Of course it wasn't. He had been right with his first thoughts: cleaning out the bathrooms. The Muggle way. Pomfrey gave him rubber gloves, cleaning supplies, and began to give him instructions. After a moment he cleared his throat, informing her that his mother was Muggle and she cleaned their house the Muggle way, which Remus often helped out with so it seemed like the same as cleaning the bathroom at home. Pomfrey nodded approvingly then left him at it. While he worked he talked to himself, going over various spells, historical facts, plant information, etc, etc, reciting bits from his homework, repeating several things to drill it into his head. He scrubbed every inch--having to get a stool to reach the top of the shower--then took everything out so he could mop. Then he moved on to the second bathroom, then the third. His arms were aching a bit by this point though the aching would fade in and out as he worked. He also felt dizzy from smells of the cleaning potions he was using. At first it hadn't been too bad but now it was making him sick (actually he had to upchuck into the third toilet because of the smells).

Once finishing the third bathroom he hauled all the supplies to Pomfrey's office, hoping that that would be it. However despite being incredibly meticulous with the cleaning he hadn't fulfilled the slotted time for detention so she had him go around changing all the beds with fresh linen. While he was working the doors burst open and in came his friends. Remus was worried at first they were going to try to rescue him but then he saw blood pouring off of James's face. Sirius and Peter had his arms around them since he seemed quite dazed, unable to walk on his own. James's broken glasses were clutched in Peter's other hand.

"James!" Remus dropped the bed sheets, running over. "What happened?"

"Slytherins," Peter replied as they got James onto one of the (newly changed) beds while Sirius took off to get Pomfrey.

"Heya Reeeemyyyy," James moaned, blinking with unfocused eyes. "Hurts."

Remus clenched his teeth, seeing the gaping wound across James's temple. "You didn't bother staunching the wound?!"

"Doing _what_ with the wound?!" Peter demanded, confused.

"Staunch--stopping, putting something on it!" Remus looked around but Pomfrey was there before he could find anything. She quickly got rid of some of the blood, inspecting carefully. Remus stood back with Sirius and Peter, very worried.

Sirius told the story while Pomfrey worked. They were (INNOCENTLY, mind you) walking through the corridors minding their own business when they ran into Snape who began yelling at them for NO reason WHATSOEVER, then Avery and Bulstrode came out of no where, starting a fight. The Gryffindors absolutely did NOT fight back because dueling is WRONG! Anyway, Snape had used the knockback jinx on James. It hadn't done much but he couldn't keep himself upright and slammed into a statue, going unconscious. That's when the Slytherins scattered.

"Got a jolly good jelly-legs curse off on Avery though!" James said in a slurred, very out of it sort of way, then frowned at Sirius making cutting signs across his neck. "Oooh, right Siri, you got Bulstrode right in the neck with the knockback, he threw up." Sirius buried his face in his hands while Remus tried desperately not to laugh.

"Didn't duel at all, hmmm?" Pomfrey asked as she gently slathered some thick healing salve on the wound.

"Jolly brilliant," James murmured. "Remy wasn't there though. Shame. Probably in the library."

"That's because I'm _here_. Detention, remember?" Remus asked, worried about how completely out of it James was. How hard did he hit his head? Was this _normal_?

James's eyes got huge. "Detention? For the fight? But you weren't even there! That's not fair! Lemme talk to McGonsie." He tried getting up but Pomfrey kept him firmly down. "My head hurts."

"You have a concussion," she said after doing a quick diagnostic spell.

James put his hands in the air. "Yay me!"

"No, it's a bad thing, Mr. Potter."

"Oh." He sounded very disappointed as his arms went back down.

Remus stepped forward. "Madame Pomfrey, is this sort of reaction n--normal? For concussions?"

"He _does_ seem rather out of it," she agreed, peering into his eyes. "Were any other spells used on him?"

"Um. Snape used another one but I didn't recognize it, and nothing _seemed_ to happen..." Sirius admitted. "I don't really remember what he said."

"It was like... con something," Peter said, squinting as he concentrated hard. "Con... do?"

Remus tilted his head, pieces sliding together in his head. "Confundo?" he asked.

"_Yes_!" Sirius said, snapping his fingers. "That's what it was."

Pomfrey clicked her tongue. "The confundus spell. It won't have done much coming from a first year, just enough to confuse him a _little_ bit. It'll wear off soon enough." She summoned a vial of potion. "Drink this up, it will get rid of the concussion."

James drank the liquid then spit it all out. "Tastes _gross_!" He then turned the vial over, dumping the rest out onto the floor.

"Mr. Potter!" Pomfrey summoned another vial. James clamped his mouth tightly shut, shaking his head. It took a lot of convincing, wheedling, begging, but finally he drank it (when Remus threatened to never help him with his homework again). "You'll be staying here tonight." She summoned some pajamas. "I'll help you get dressed--"

"NO!" James screeched in horror, pushing away. "You're a--a _woman_! You can't see my penis!"

Sirius and Peter burst out laughing hard while Remus covered his mouth, trying not to laugh and failing.

"I can just change your clothes with a spell if you hold still--"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" He began kicking his legs frantically.

"I'll help him," Sirius offered, carefully getting James off the bed to take him into the other room.

"Thank you, Mr. Black."

After only a few minutes Sirius poked his head out of the bathroom, complaining that James was 'being a butt' and he needed help. Remus and Peter exchanged looks then Peter stepped back, shaking his head, so it was Remus who went in to help James get first undressed then into the pajamas. James swayed, wriggled, laughed, whined, then collapsed down on the toilet moaning in pain while Sirius wrangled the bottoms on him and Remus worked the shirt over James's head as carefully as he could. He gently guided James's arms through the sleeves then tugged it whole thing down, covering him. He had a flash of fear as he tried not to look at all of James's smooth skin that one day someone would do this to him, and he'd need help getting dressed--and whoever helped him would see his scar. He'd definitely need to be careful never to be in a situation where someone _else_ had to dress him!

"Confundus is very advanced," Remus said, holding James upright as Sirius yanked the trousers over his hips. "We probably won't be learning it until our fifth year."

Sirius knelt down, blowing his hair out of his face, eyes narrowed as he tied the strings. "Well, Snape did it so it can't be too difficult."

"Snivellus," James said, swatting at Sirius's hands. "Ugly, stupid, slimy, gitty, dumb _Snivellus_." Then he slumped forward against Sirius, mumbling that he didn't feel good.

"It's probably a mix of the spell with his concussion," Remus theorized, both of them ignoring James completely who was now singing very loudly and very off key about boats for some reason. "I mean, I very much so doubt a twelve year could cause this much damage."

"Like we couldn't do some of the stuff we've done?" Sirius inquired, grinning over James's shoulder. Remus just rolled his eyes, unable to really argue since the spell he had done on the door for the bat-bogey prank had been... something he probably shouldn't have been able to do...

They got James back out into a bed, Sirius tucking him in. James fell asleep almost right away after Pomfrey made sure the potion had gotten rid of the concussion. Remus shared his idea about why James seemed so bewildered, glowing a little when Pomfrey agreed that's probably what happened since a first year couldn't do the spell to _this_ degree. Soon McGonagall appeared as Pomfrey had sent her a message, listening as Sirius repeated the story (Remus wasn't surprised that it wasn't exactly the same though still of course the Gryffindors were still Absolutely Innocent). McGonagall didn't seem to believe everything Sirius said (especially the innocence proclamation).

Then McGonagall and Pomfrey spoke quietly, Pomfrey informing her about the confundus spell. "It's probably the spell mixed with the concussion, although he certainly acted as if a more powerful version of the spell had hit him than what someone Mr. Snape's age _could_ do. Either way, the fact this happened at all..."

"Yes, I shall speak with Horace. Thank you, Poppy."

By this point it was past curfew so McGonagall wrote a note for them to take with them back to the tower, so they wouldn't get in trouble (also arguing with Sirius who wanted to stay with James overnight). They all gave their sleeping friend one last worried look before leaving. On the way Sirius and Peter told the true story which was they had seen Snape walking by himself so James used the locomotor spell to pull Snape's trousers down. As it turned out, the other two Slytherins were just around the corner so a duel started. Snape using the knockback jinx against James had been true, so had him hitting the statue. The Slytherins left when they saw the blood everywhere. Sirius and Peter tried waking James up but when he had laid still for too long that's when they hauled him to the hospital wing.

People stared at them as they went, no one bothering them--not even a prefect questioning their right to be out at this time. It wasn't until just outside the common room that Remus realized all three of them had blood all over their clothes. Whoops. Peter also had some on his hands since he hadn't gone to help James in the bathroom (Sirius and Remus had cleaned their hands off so they didn't get blood on the pajamas).

"Course, we need to get _extreme_ revenge for this," Sirius said as he clambored through. Once inside he began scanning the room. "Hey--Evans!"

"Wh--what? No, d-don't drag her into this!" Remus hissed.

Sirius ignored him, walking over to where Lily sat. She recoiled as he brandished his bloody tie in her face. "See this? Your dumb Slytherin boyfriend nearly _killed_ James. Hope you're _happy_! He's in the hospital wing right now, would've bled to death probably if we hadn't gotten him there so quickly!"

"Pomfrey herself said he had a _very_ bad concussion," Peter added darkly.

Lily looked at the two of them then at Remus. "Is he--all right?"

"He will be," Remus promised.

"So next time you complain about _us_ being bullies, keep in mind there's quite a trail of blood in the school because of what _Snivellus_ did to James!" Sirius whirled on his heels, marching up the boys' staircase with Peter right behind him.

"It w-wasn't... as bad... as they say," Remus mumbled. "I think. I--I wasn't there. He was bleeding pretty bad but not as--as bad as Sirius made it out. He's okay, Pomfrey healed the wound and--and got rid of the concussion."

Lily got to her feet, pulling Remus away from Colgate and Inkwood. "Is he really all right or are you just trying to make me feel better?" Some of James's blood got on her hands from where she had gripped his sleeve. She looked at it with slight distaste.

"He'll be all right," Remus said again. "I'm s--sorry--"

"Did Severus start the fight? Or did they?"

Remus averted his gaze. "I wasn't there." He tried not to sound too awkward or suspicious, figuring she'd pick up on it anyway. "I--I need a shower so I'll see you later." He hurried up the steps, feeling her eyes on him the whole time. He got a quick shower to get off all the grime and sweat from his detention then put on a clean uniform since they still had Astronomy later. When he returned to his dorm he found Sirius and Peter discussing ways to get back at Snape.

Sirius wanted to learn the confundus spell which Remus really didn't want to deal with. _We've only a few weeks before exams, can't this wait_? He got books out, intending to study, but Sirius kept bugging him about the spell. "I don't _know_," he grumbled, dropping his books on his desk. "It's advanced. It messes with the mind, confuses them. That's about all I know about it. It's Latin." He sat down, organizing his books then opening one of them. "I could tell you about the etymology however I doubt that's what you're after."

Sirius leaned against the back of his chair, practically breathing down Remus's neck. He hadn't changed his clothes so all Remus could smell was the blood still splattered on him. "But you could _research_."

"So could you."

"Can't. I'm stupid. I can barely read."

Remus snorted at that, shaking his head. It took some effort not to laugh, really, then he finally looked at Sirius. "Maybe. Just--not right now, perhaps the weekend."

"But--"

"Please?"

Silvery eyes met gold, and Sirius let out a sigh. "All right. We can do something else in the mean time." With that he flung himself onto Peter's bed, going back to revenge ideas.

Remus bent over his desk, trying to study but being unable to as he just mostly worried about James.


	80. Chapter Seventy-Nine - Four! I Mean Five! I Mean, Fire!

First thing in the morning the three Marauders went to the hospital wing. James was awake, sitting up in bed with a tray of breakfast across his lap. There was a huge bouquet of flowers on the table next to him as well as an enormous box of very fancy chocolates which he immediately offered to share with his friends. Sirius and Peter each grabbed one happily. James had to cajole Remus into taking one.

"They're from Mum and Dad," he said once Remus picked out the smallest one. "So're the flowers. They came by to see me last night. Mum is maaad! You should have seen her. She wants a inquiry into the whole thing. She and Dad had this big row cause Dad kept saying 'well there's always rivalries my dear'." James snorted, shaking his head. "She blew his head up."

"What?" Peter choked on his chocolate.

"She's done it before. That's one of her favorite things to do when people cross her. Blow them up. Like a balloon."

"Oh."

"You thought I meant exploding him, didn't you?" James teased while Peter pretended that he most certainly had not. "I've said it before. Remember? When I blew up that dumb Ravenclaw's head? Remy, don't just _stare_ at the chocolate, _eat_ it. Anyway, Pomfrey came running out all upset cause my dad's head was all inflated and he was practically floating around..." Remus nibbled at the chocolate then stuffed it into his mouth. It was _so_ good. He tried to savor it on his tongue but soon it disappeared. "Pomfrey told them if they couldn't behave then they had to go. Like they were kids. My father kept trying to apologize but every time he talked he kept drifting backwards cause of the air coming out of his mouth--it was hilarious, I wish you'd been here. Mum apologized, smoothed it all over; promised a donation or something, I dunno."

"Your parents sound great," Sirius laughed.

James grinned. "They are. Hopefully you'll be able to meet them this summer. They're going to love you. _All_ of you. I really want you guys to visit. Stay overnight. It'd be great! If your parents are worried or anything, they can come stay too," he added to Remus. "Our house is big enough. It's a mansion, actually. Then they'd be right there if anything happened."

"Th--thank you," Remus said, trying not to sound anxious. "I'll k--keep it mind. I'm n-not sure if it would w-work out or not, though."

"Maybe we can do it when you're in a stretch of not sick," Sirius suggested.

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I--I never know when it's... a stretch of--of n-not sick or--not."

"Oh, right," Sirius said in a sort of offhanded matter which raised Remus's suspicions. What had he meant by that? He wanted to ask however did NOT want to draw attention, or make it seem like he was suspicious. Yurgh, how come he said that?!

Soon they had to go to their own breakfast since James wasn't allowed out of the hospital wing till later in the day. He gave them each another piece of chocolate (this time Remus took a bigger one) then the Marauders left, talking about how awesome James's mother sounded. Remus wasn't really talking though, mostly still worried about Sirius. A stretch of not sick. What did he mean? Sure he had loads of stretches of 'not sick' especially when he pretended it was his _mother_ being sick however surely he got the point across that he randomly be_came_ ill, right?

He fretted all through breakfast, poking absentmindedly at his food. Then on the way to Transfiguration Sirius asked what was on his mind. Remus acted like he didn't know what Sirius meant. Peter snorted at that. "You didn't eat _and_ you didn't study," he said, rolling his eyes at Remus. "Even _I_ know something's up."

Remus wrapped his arms around himself. "Oh, er, nothing r--really." Then, of course! The best response. "I'm not feeling too well. I feel a little woozy."

Sirius gave him a curious look. "What do you mean?"

_Do I have to spell it out for you_? Remus thought a bit crossly. "I don't know. I might g--go see Pomfrey this afternoon to--to make sure I'm all right."

"Another relapse?" Peter asked rather sadly. Remus nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Remus replied, trying to ignore the fact Sirius didn't look convinced or the fact his eyes almost felt like they were burning holes through Remus's skin, right into his deep secrets. He kept his chin up, giving off an aura of 'just a sick normal human that's all'. Sirius just watched him the entire way to class.

*

James was released from the hospital wing during lunch while Remus tried to check in. He didn't tell Pomfrey that he was worried Sirius was getting suspicious, just that he wasn't feeling great and didn't want to go to Potions. Unfortunately Pomfrey told him he couldn't really miss class unless he was _actually_ sick--which he couldn't be--or if it was during a full moon. She told him if he wanted to rest away from everyone he could come in after Potions.

So he trudged to Potions having to tell them that he was really all right. Peter clapped his hands, James smiled, and Sirius looked unsurprised. Remus felt very sick now--properly sick, like he might vomit. He tried to think back to anything Sirius had said before, any hints, but he couldn't think of any. Course he couldn't really focus anyway with how awful he felt.

_Fawley's going to see all this on Tuesday_, he thought miserably as they began working on their potions. _Of course it's Sirius who's saying stuff, suspecting stuff. Or am I overthinking it? Does he really suspect something? He spent a lot of time staring at me before but--maybe it's something else? Except why would he make that weird 'stretch of not sick' comment? Wishful thinking_?

He glanced to his side where Sirius sat. Sirius turned his head, smiling quite cheerfully at Remus who gave a shaky smile back. _No, he doesn't suspect_, Remus decided. _If he suspected he'd be acting different. He wouldn't be this friendly with me. He'd be detaching himself from me, pulling away, wanting to spend less time..._ He thought of Sirius the previous night, leaning against his chair, face right by Remus's face. _No, he'd never be that close if he suspected_.

It was like his heart began soaring, and he grinned. It felt wonderful knowing for sure! Because if Sirius even had a hint of worry that Remus was a _werewolf_ he would never in a million years touch Remus. Nobody would. Especially not a pureblood who _knew_ what werewolves were.

"Something funny?" Sirius whispered right in Remus's ear, mouth so close Remus could almost feel his lips.

"No, just--feeling happy right now," Remus replied, still grinning.

Sirius's eyes softened a little and he squeezed Remus's shoulder. More proof he had no clue. "Good. You need to be happy more often, you frown too much."

"Do not."

"Do so. Your forehead is always wrinkled. You're going to get wrinkles before you're twenty."

"Am not!"

"Frowny boy."

"Shut _up_." Sirius put his fingers to the corners of his mouth and tugged down for a ridiculous face. Remus gave him a light shove while he laughed. "Focus on the potion, doofus."

"Whatever you say, frowny boy."

*

The next couple days went by in a blur of studying plus giving vague advice for the Big Revenge, as James and Sirius were calling it. On Saturday at breakfast Remus intended on asking Sirius to help him in the library to write down information about the confundus spell (he needed someone to copy the diagrams since he was crap at drawing) however he stopped himself, realizing 3/4ths the room were dressed in yellow and black or had some of the colors on them. Including the other Marauders.

"Is... something going on?" he asked.

"Hufflepuff versus Slytherin," James replied in a 'duh' voice. "Second to last Quidditch match. You had no idea, did you?"

"None," Remus sniffled. "Anyway, I'll be spending my time in the library--"

"Shocking!" Peter said with a fake gasp.

"--getting information about the confundus spell."

James pulled a face, not wanting to be reminded of what happened the other night. Sirius had told him everything, laughing the entire time, making sure to let him know it took both him _and_ Remus to get James dressed. The previous night when James was starting to strip to get changed into pajamas he wound up throwing a pillow at Sirius who asked if he needed help again.

Peter gave a sigh. "Can I _please_ not be a target this time?"

James opened his mouth but Remus cut him off before he could talk. "This is something better practiced without a real target at first. Anything messing with the mind... I'd feel more comfortable if we _didn't_ use real people."

Peter looked relieved while Sirius snickered. "So, Slytherins? They're not real people."

"It can't be hard if _Snivellus_ managed it," said James, glancing over at the Slytherin table. Someone must have been looking because James gave the two finger salute before returning to his breakfast.

After a bit everyone went to the pitch except for Remus who retreated to the library. He perused through several books until he found some good, detailed information about confundus. He read through it all multiple times then copied it down carefully before turning to _proper_ studying he needed to do. _How do I always get wrangled into this_? he thought as he set out some books he needed. _Why do they always want to do advanced spells? Why can't they just... settle for the spells we're learning now_? Course, he had to admit to himself he loved doing more advanced stuff. The fact that they _managed_ just... made him feel so good. And powerful. Though... there was a line between advanced and _too_ advanced that he hoped to be able to see. He had already hurt himself (killed... himself??) using powerful magic once already, he didn't want it to happen again. Or happen to his friends. Whatever happened to him after the doorway spell could have killed his friends so he had to make sure to keep them reigned in as best he could.

But as James said... if Snape could manage a poorly done confundus, so could they.

*

Slytherin won the game, completely by cheating according to the Marauders. James recounted the game as Remus pretended to listen. He caught some words, something about penalties, shouting, there was a bit about an elbow in a face, then a long rant about how Gryffindor needed to beat Ravenclaw by a certain amount of points otherwise Slytherin would win the Quidditch cup. Remus didn't follow that line very well. In his opinion the final game should be between the top two, not the possible winner against the definite third. Or maybe he misunderstood the rules completely (he sorta hadn't read the Quidditch book James gave him; he needed to do that over the summer). Sports just seemed so _weird_.

At study group there was some tension between Pierce and Silverlocke. Bones hadn't shown up at all, while Pierce kept giving Silverlocke these _looks_ then finally asked him why he wasn't off celebrating. Two pink spots appeared in Silverlocke's cheeks and he replied he didn't particularly support the Slytherin Quidditch team. After that, Pierce stopped glaring at him.

Lily seemed really quiet during the whole time in the library as well as on the way back. She walked next to Remus, arms clutching her books to her chest, chin down. Remus shuffled beside her, not sure what to say. He figured it was the hostility towards the Slytherins that caused this, though perhaps it was something else. Finally he asked if she was all right. Lily shrugged, then sighed.

"Just _sick_ of all this... anti-Slytherin stuff. They're not _all_ bad. I don't understand the whole... tearing apart thing. Rivalries are one thing however this hatred just..." She shook her head at that.

"Slytherins," said Twycross who had been listening in, "are pretty awful. _Most_ of them. It's their _own_ fault. If they weren't such bullies maybe people would be nicer to them."

Lily glowered. Remus--whose arms weren't full, as his books were in his bag--flicked his wand, whispering the tripping jinx. Twycross stumbled a bit then spun around, eyes wide. Remus's wand was safely tucked away, both him and Lily looking quite innocent. Twycross frowned then turned back round, going a little faster.

Lily snickered. "I shouldn't laugh but--thanks."

"If she wasn't such a bully maybe people would be nicer to her," Remus muttered sarcastically and Lily laughed so hard she dropped her books.

*

On Sunday quite an incident happened. Remus had been sitting at his desk with Peter, going over Pete's homework, helping him out (probably more than he should but whatever) while Sirius and James were practicing spells, rather excitedly as they had just started on the fire spell in Charms. James already knew the spell fairly well but Sirius definitely needed the practice which was odd since generally it seemed easy for him to accidentally set things on fire; apparently purposely doing it alluded him a little. Remus had made sure everything was safe before they started--including a bucket of water on hand--however Sirius completely missed the little set out area, sending Spinnet's curtains up in blazes.

"Er, whoops."

Remus turned at the 'whoops' staring at the fire. They all just stared at it for a second then James grabbed the bucket of water, tossing it. It got _most_ the fire, in his defense, however not _all_ of it. The fire grew higher.

"ROLL ON IT!" Peter yelled.

"Are you NUTS?!" Sirius shouted back. James took off to the bathroom to get more water.

Remus ran over, grabbing the non-burning edge of curtains, yanking it clear off the beams. He dropped it on the floor, feeling the heat which brought him back to the night he burnt his arm at the house in Hogsmeade. He hesitated, feeling incredibly sick, remembering washing off his own burnt skin, unable to move.

Peter grabbed Spinnet's blanket, throwing it over the burning curtains then _jumped_ on it. Sirius and Remus both shouted at him, but the fire was smothered out. James came running back in then hesitated. "Spinnet's gonna be _furious_," Pete moaned, revealing the blackened streaks all over Spinnet's blanket. "He's _never_ gonna believe it was an accident." James dumped the water on the mess just in case.

"How'd you _do_ that?" Sirius asked.

"Do what?" Pete asked. Sirius gestured at the blanket. "Um. I... don't understand what you mean?"

"You _jumped_ on the fire and got rid of it," Sirius said, eyes big. "How? I thought water or magic were the only ways to get rid of fire?"

Peter looked at Remus who shrugged at Sirius's confusion. "Fire needs oxygen. Peter smothered it," Remus said, brushing his hair from his eyes. "That was very impressive, by the way." He was very glad Peter had jumped (literally) into action because of how much _he_ had hesitated. He rubbed his arm, feeling that itchy awful feeling after his skin had been scorched through. Course it wouldn't have gotten too out of hand since James had gotten more water but _still_.

"Th--that's how my grandfather got rid of a fire once," Peter explained. "Threw a blanket on it and--and jumped on it."

"He didn't have his wand with him?" James asked, adjusting his glasses.

Peter blinked. "M... my Muggle... grandfather."

"Oh."

"Sand or dirt works well, too. Muggles also have something called a fire extinguisher which is a big canister full of foam that puts out fires," Remus said. Sirius and James both gaped openly at him. He eyed the messy pile of burnt cloth on the floor, marveling a little at how _dense_ James and Sirius could be when it came to anything involving Muggles. Course they were _purebloods_ and especially the Black family (from what Remus understood) wouldn't have _anything_ to do with Muggles but still. He kinda wanted to laugh.

"Jolly brilliant job though, ol' Petey!" James smacked Peter's back as Remus gathered up the destroyed fabric. "Jumping on a fire. Amazing!"

"That was really cool," Sirius agreed, patting Peter's back.

Peter glowed brighter than the fire he put out from the praise. "Aw, it was _nothing_," he mumbled.

"I'm going to go find some house-elves and see what we need to do to get new curtains put up," Remus said, pushing Spinnet's destroyed blanket into the bottom of Spinnet's laundry basket. "One of you needs to remake his bed. Hopefully we can get it back properly before he comes in."

"I'll come with you!" Sirius bounded to Remus's side.

They went as innocently through the common room as they could and once outside Remus said, "You just didn't want to make the bed, did you?"

Sirius scoffed. "Course not! I hate making beds. I can't believe Pete put the fire out. I'd've never expected that from him."

Remus didn't want to admit he hadn't expected _Peter_ of all people to do such a thing either. "He is a Gryffindor."

"Still. He's not exactly..." Sirius trailed off. Remus raised his eyebrows at him, waiting. "Aw, Pete's a good kid but he's not exactly _brave_."

"Well, it seems that he is."

"I thought you'd put the fire out. You looked scared of it though."

Remus looked down at the bundle in his arms, trying to push the memory away. "I was burnt once. When I was younger." It wasn't a complete lie. Three months ago he had been eleven, not twelve, so that was younger. "I wasn't thinking when I yanked the curtains down but once they were on the floor I just--remembered."

"Was it bad?"

His stomach churned as he saw again his own flesh sliding off his body into the sink. "Yes."

"Oh wow, that really sucks," Sirius said, rubbing the top of Remus's head, messing his hair up. "I never knew you were afraid of fire. You seemed okay when you melted the snowmen."

"I'm not--really afraid of _fire_," Remus said, ducking away from Sirius's hand. "Usually. I guess sometimes it makes me remember while sometimes it doesn't."

"You've had a rough life."

_You don't even know_, he thought bitterly. "I suppose so," he replied with a wry smile. "I'm sure we've all had our trials."

To his surprise darkness went across Sirius's face and his friend glanced away. He sensed Sirius's muscles tightening up, sensed his friend practically withdrawing. He had done it himself plenty enough to tell that whatever he said had made Sirius go into a shell, so to speak. Remus wanted to apologize. He hadn't meant to hurt Sirius--but then suddenly Sirius was smiling at him again though it was very clearly a fake smile that didn't fool Remus one bit.

"I bet James's biggest trial was having to go to bed."

Remus laughed but it sounded hollow even to his ears. "Probably."

They continued down to the kitchens (the only place they knew where to find the house-elves) in awkward silence. Several thoughts flitted through Remus's head. Disconnected thoughts--Sirius and his cousin sounding tense and fearful when they discussed Sirius going back to the holidays, Sirius's mother gripping him tightly on the platform, Sirius's puffy eyes that night he heard Remus crying, just recently when he was curled up against James in bed, and for some reason when they came back from Christmas and Sirius had had a broken arm.

_Why hadn't his family healed it up themselves_? he suddenly wondered, suddenly suspicious. Then... out of the fog came the thought: _His handwriting had been awful over the Christmas holidays_. He glanced sideways at Sirius's pale profile. Had he... had a broken arm... the entire time?

"Hey, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"When you broke your arm back in--in January, which arm was it?"

Sirius frowned, puzzled. "Why?"

"Just curious."

"My right arm. Why?"

Remus wanted to say no reason however he knew Sirius wouldn't accept that. "Just thinking--you know, um, going through, er, trials and all. I remembered you had a broken arm. That's all."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "All right," he said, rather hard. Slightly angrily.

It couldn't be though. He couldn't have had a broken arm for _two weeks!_ It made no sense whatsoever! They would have taken him to see a healer, wouldn't they? But--also, why... why had Sirius _lied _about it, if that were the case? He said he fell down the stairs the morning he returned to Hogwarts. If he had a broken arm before, why lie about it? Why still _have_ a broken arm? They were completely magic! They'd _heal_ it! He wouldn't have had a splint or cast for two weeks like a--a Muggle! Why? What was...?

Remus shook his head slightly. No, he had to be imagining things, seeing vague shapes and trying to make them fit together. It was just... his imagination... right?


	81. Chapter Eighty - Snape's Secret Identity

Sirius seemed a little distant on Monday, and Remus knew it was because of him bringing up the broken arm. He was desperate to apologize, to _fix_ things, but didn't know how without making it obvious. Sirius seemed fine with James and Peter however whenever he spoke to Remus there just seemed to be something... _stiff_ in the way he spoke. Or maybe Remus was just imagining it. That was a possibility. Was he just projecting? As the day progressed, though, Sirius seemed to relax a little more until Tuesday he was back to normal (which proved to Remus he _had_ been upset on Monday). He... really wanted to say he was sorry but figured that would put Sirius back into a shell, so he left it alone.

_Dearest Remus, 8/5/72_

_Only seven weeks now till you come home for the summer! Less than, really, by a couple days. Wait till you see the plans I've made for the garden! Your father's getting me a really beautiful plant called... well, I don't remember exactly what he called it. Some kind of bell? Like bluebell but not quite. But it makes this lovely chiming sound when the wind blows, like wind chimes. I've been sitting out in the garden when the sun's out enjoying the sound. I think you'll like it too. Lyall says it blooms through July so you'll have time to enjoy them too. They still chime even when they're not in the ground so once they grow some more I'm going to try to cut one to put in a jar by the window to see if it works that way._

_I mentioned the possibility of us educating you at home after this, by the way. Lyall is worried since he works so much but I'm sure I can do plenty out of books. You can't actually practice any magic however I don't think that's too terribly important, is it? Sometimes I think it might be easier for us... for YOU... if we were more Muggle. We'd have an easier time hiding the truth. I have not mentioned this to your father though but perhaps it's something we can talk about once summer comes around. Your father's not doing a particularly overly magical job as it is. Perhaps we could move to a Muggle town, and start anew. You'd be even safer. Or would the M be more suspicious if that happened? I don't really understand them much._

_I miss you, darling, and I cannot wait to see you. I love you so much!_

_Love, Mother_

"You all right?" James asked, voice penetrating Remus's thoughts. "You've gone quite pale."

"Is your mum okay?" Pete asked, since he realized Remus was reading the letter his owl had brought him.

"Y--yes. I mean--I think so. Nothing bad." He swiftly folded the letter, jamming it down into his bag. He should probably start reading his letters privately in case one of them saw the words. He knew Sirius often read his letters privately. Whenever the stately owl brought him something he'd just tuck it away, and that would be that, like he just did when the owls came a few moments ago. "She's mostly all right," Remus finally said, trying to smile.

_Move to a Muggle town_. Was his mother insane? He and his father pretending to be _Muggle_? His father would _die_. Sure his mother ran a fairly Muggle household but magic was everywhere. His father used magic every single day, for _everything_. Plus the Ministry would probably know. The only way to truly escape would be move to a different country. Or was that what his mother meant? She had some American relatives. What if she wanted to move to America? America was _enormous_, they'd definitely be able to hide there.

Remus stirred his porridge, thinking. Wondering, about what it would be like. Going possibly to a Muggle school. Not having to really _hide_ as much as he was. Oh, but they'd know he was different. He'd still have to fake an illness. One that would be difficult to explain to the teachers at a _Muggle_ school. Plus... didn't Muggle schools have _gym_? A class period dedicated to... sports or something? Ugh! No, it wouldn't work out at all. He'd still be faking every single day, trying to be normal. Unless she still meant to educate him at home even in a new town, a new country.

He slid his bowl away, not hungry anymore. He felt like weeping. Or raging. Throw a temper tantrum. Punch a wall. He wanted to stay at Hogwarts! It was as safe as anywhere! He _liked_ his little house in Hogsmeade, liked it more than the basement at home. He liked most his classes, liked learning, liked _practicing_. Above all he liked his friends--Merlin, he felt _ill_ imagining not having his friends anymore (he knew one day that would happen but for now he could pretend, push the inevitable mental breakdown off until it happened).

_I have that idea from Fawley up my sleeve though_, he thought, staring at the ceiling. It was raining out so the ceiling was full of grey swirls, fake rain pattering down which disappeared long before it reached the heads of any of the kids eating. He half considered writing to his mother with this idea however knew it'd be better to save it, to say in _person_. It would wait till summer, providing she was still on this weird kick of hers. Not that his father would ever agree to go completely Muggle. Or... would he? For Remus's safety? He had given so much up already, would he make one more sacrifice?

Gave up his job, to keep Remus safe.

Gave up his family, to keep Remus safe.

Would he give up magic?

*

_The Lupins had moved to a country house somewhere in the deep depths of America, hidden away from prying eyes. Lyall learned how to drive (the American way, on the wrong side of the road), driving ages to a nearby town for his new job. There wasn't a scrap of magic anywhere in the house except around the basement, silencing spells, locking spells. Other than that the Lupins pretended to be Muggle. And got away with it, hardly interacting with anyone. Ever again. Remus sat at the table with his mother as she recited from a book to teach him (not that Muggles would have a giant book titled Muggle Education). Remus was twelve. Then thirteen. Fourteen. He and his mother sat at the table as the seasons passed by in the windows behind them. Sometimes Lyall was there, mostly he wasn't. It was just Hope and Remus. Sixteen. Eighteen. Seasons passed by faster and faster. Twenty. Twenty-two. He looked more like his father than he'd probably turn out to be, but he was still small, delicate. Twenty-five. Thirty. His mother was aging, grey hair, wrinkles. She still recited from the book. He was fifty now, then sixty. His mother shrank into a skeleton and now he had the book in his hands, an elderly man, carefully reading the words, the only words he ever knew anymore because this wasn't just his home; it was his world now. His prison. His grave._

Remus jolted awake, loud sobs escaping his mouth. He gasped for air, trying to breath, hiccuping sounds escaping out as he struggled. Finally he was able to get some oxygen into his lungs and he collapsed onto his side, hands over his eyes, body curling into a little comma shape as he cried.

Amidst his tears he waited for Sirius to open his curtains... but it didn't happen. _He's still mad at me_, he thought as the tears finally began tapering off. He gave one last sniffle then edged his way out of his bed, wiping the snot from his face. When he slid out into the cool dorm he saw Sirius's curtains were open, his bed empty. Immediately Remus's eyes darted to James's bed. He tiptoed over, pulling back a corner of James's curtains. Sirius was there, limbs tangled with James's limbs as they both slept soundly.

There was a letter next to Sirius, probably the letter that had come that day. Angry slashing across the cream parchment. Remus felt a wave of curiosity... then shut the curtains. It wans't his business.

He went into the bathroom to wash his face off, trying to shake off his nightmare. His strange, strange nightmare. He hadn't died, hadn't transformed, hadn't been caught. It was just him withering away in hiding. For _safety_. He jerked his chin up, staring miserably at his reflection. Other werewolves did that. Hid themselves away from the world, disappeared into who-knows-where to live. Or not live, more like merely existing. It didn't seem like living, not to Remus. No one but his parents. Nothing but the confines of the house. He couldn't do it. He'd rather die. He'd rather be caught then end up like that. There _had_ to be a nice balance between remaining hidden and actually _living_. He turned around, leaning against the sink, surveying the bathroom. What would happen _after_ Hogwarts? Would it be like that even if they remained in Wales? Just that little cottage, nothing else.

He slid down to the ground, burying his face in his hands again, definitely not cried out quite yet.

*

On Thursday the Marauders got (some) revenge against Snape. When the four went into Potions Remus and Peter headed for their normal desk but James and Sirius led them to a different one, a little bit farther back. The reason was soon obvious: Sirius put a sticking spell on Snape's seat just as he sat down. When he stood up later, to go get water for the potion, there was a loud ripping sound and his robes were split open. It wasn't the seat of his pants like James had hoped for, but it was _something_. Snape looked at his robes with horror then his eyes snapped up to the Marauders before he snatched his cauldron, storming to the back.

"That _it_?" Remus whispered, thinking it was a bit of a dull response.

"No, just the beginning," James replied. They were sitting together, having partnered up. Sirius and Peter were at another desk. "We've got more."

Remus glanced at Snape. "Like what?"

"Er, we'll figure _something_ out..." James frowned. "The problem is not getting caught. Most of what we've come up with is flat out attacking him which--well, I want to be sneakier about it. Y'know?"

"Hmm." Remus drummed his fingers against the desk as Snape returned to his seat. "Can you provide a distraction?"

James blinked slowly. "Distractions," he said with a grin, "are my specialty. Everyone or just Big Nose?"

"Just Snape."

"Got it. Let me know when."

Remus dug around in his potions kit. "When," he said, sliding out of his seat.

James wadded up a piece of parchment, throwing it at Snape. He threw a couple more until Snape turned in his seat, glowering. James began babbling about the ripped robes as Remus walked to the front of the room, past the desk where Snape sat. His hand went so fast he doubted anyone would notice. He didn't even pause, just kept going until he reached Slughorn's desk. He had an empty jar in one hand, asking Slughorn for some more porcupine quills, saying he had used them up. Slughorn refilled the jar and Remus returned back to his seat.

"What did you do?" James whispered. He hadn't seen Remus's hand flick the petals into fire under Snape's cauldron.

Remus looked innocent. "I got more porcupine quills." He rattled the jar. "See? Anyway, if it's okay with you can you make the potion while I read the instructions? I'm not good at that part of potion making."

He settled back with the book, casting surreptitious glances at Snape. Thankfully his partner today was Avery and not Lily. If it had been Lily Remus never would have done it, since the scent would affect whoever sat next to him. After about five minutes he noticed Snape's shoulders shaking slightly. Then Avery began snickering. Soon both of them were laughing. Remus could smell it too, and had to resist the giggling that wanted to come up.

Slughorn approached their desk as they were both laughing so hard tears ran down their faces. One of the potion ingredients were amphyr petals, one of the _first_ ingredients, and it seemed one of them had dropped or spilled a few petals into the fire. Though the ones for this potion were dried and therefore did not give off the scent, their giggly effect had come out in the smoke. Slughorn removed a couple points for their clumsiness (stating he expected better of Snape), told them they'd have to make it up later, then had them leave. They stumbled and tripped over themselves as they laughed their way out of the classroom. Slughorn put out their fire and got rid of the smoke before anyone else started (there were a few giggles nearby, and Remus gave in as well to his).

James nudged Remus then held his hand out under the desk. It took a few seconds for Remus to realize then he gave James a quiet low five.

*

"_Brilliant_," Sirius said when they were far enough away from anyone else so James could tell the other two. "Hit him where it hurts. His precious _Pooottioonns_."

"Unfortunately he'll have a chance to make it up," sighed James.

"Still, I bet he's _furious_," snickered Peter. "Embarrassed him, in front of the whole class! He probably blames Avery, too."

"No, he knows it wasn't," Remus said. "Not Snape. He wouldn't let anyone else handle making the potion, except maybe Lily. No. He's the one who handled the ingredients. He'll know he didn't drop any. He'll know someone else did it."

Snape was waiting for them on the next floor, knowing the route the Gryffindors typically took to their tower. His arms were folded as he leaned back against the wall, his robes still ripped in the back. As soon as he saw the four of them he unfolded his arms, storming over. "I know you did it," he hissed, wand pointing right between James's eyes.

"Did what?" James asked. "Rip your robes? Cause Sirius did that, not me."

"Guilty as charged," Sirius said, twirling his wand. "Was hoping to get your trousers, to be honest."

Snape's eyes darted back and forth between them. "No. The petals."

"What petals?" James asked. "The ones Sluggy yelled at you for?"

Snape's eyes glittered angrily. "Pro_fessor_ Slug_horn_. Yes. You did that."

"You caught me," James said with a shrug. "I turned invisible and put them in the fire." Snape's expression flickered slightly. James began laughing. "Merlin, I had _nothing_ to do with that!"

"You sure seem paranoid, Snapey ol' chum," Sirius said, tilting his head. "Dropping petals and blaming us."

"I--did--_not_\--drop them!" Snape took in a deep breath, nostrils flaring. The tip of his wand was less than an inch away from James now. "I don't know how you managed but you did."

James straightened his shoulders then reached up, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, his finger brushing against the end of Snape's wand. "You're _paranoid_. Blimey. Not like it _matters_, Sluggy likes you. He'll give you a chance to make it up, eh?"

"PROFESSOR!" Snape snarled. "Slughorn! Stop calling him _Sluggy_!"

James--truly the most Gryffindor out of all of them no matter what McGonagall said to Remus--casually put his finger against Snape's wand and pushed it aside. "Paranoid, or _confused_." James's eyes went innocently wide.

"He sounds a bit confused," Sirius agreed.

Snape stared at James, then at Sirius, then glanced briefly at Peter and Remus. Then back to James. Then Snape flicked his wand, saying some spell Remus didn't recognize. There was a cracking sound. James's glasses. Cracks appeared across their lenses and James flung them off his face just in time: mid-air, the lenses _exploded_.

"YOU ABSOLUTE CRACKED CAULDRON!" James screamed. "YOU COULD HAVE _BLINDED_ ME!"

"I know it's be a tragedy for _you_, Potter, to never see your own reflection again!" Snape retorted.

Then spells began flying since Sirius shot towards him. Snape ducked easily, sending a spell back. The other Marauders got their wands out though James had some trouble since his eyesight was pretty dang bad. Three (and a half?) against one so Snape knew he'd lose but he hit Sirius with that weird langlock spell before Remus's jelly-leg curse got him and he began flailing around, unable to stand upright. Then he was pushed backwards by a knockback jinx from Peter. He didn't go through the air but he did fall back, crashing into the ground. James shot the hairy bat-bogey hex but it went far above Snape's head.

"Langlock!" Remus tried, imitating Snape's wand movement. It didn't work. Not quite right. Snape howled in pain as his tongue began thrashing about--as if someone had grabbed the end of it and was yanking it about.

James was still screaming at Snape, using obscenities now. He was shooting spells wildly until Sirius grabbed his arm, pulling him back. He was making frantic gestures and that's when Remus heard hurried footsteps.

James spit on Snape, probably aiming for his face but the saliva landed on Snape's chest. "You're going to regret this, Snivellus!" Then ran with Sirius guiding him, Peter right behind them. Remus scooped up the broken glasses and took off after his friends.

They were on the fourth floor, near the painting that led to that weird pit-filled passageway; that's where they went. Peter shoved the painting aside and the four scrambled into the darkness. They fled down the steps, stopping at the first pit. They didn't go any farther even though they could pass this one.

"Shit!" James swore, rubbing his eyes. "He's insane! He could have--the glass--! My glasses! I forgot my glasses!"

Remus took James's hand and pressed the frames into them. "I got them. No lenses though, they're completely gone."

James put the empty frames on his face. "I'll have to send these to my parents to get fixed. I have a backup pair here luckily. Old ones. _Ugly_ ones."

"If they broke on your face..." Peter whispered anxiously. He began rubbing just under his own eyes, as if he could imagine the glass going into his eyeballs. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess." James fiddled with the frames then put them into his pocket. "Siri, are you all right?"

Sirius shook his head. "Nnnhhh. Glhhgnnng."

"You'll have to see Pomfrey," Remus said. "That's the same spell he used on me a while ago. It took Pomfrey ages to get it fixed."

"One of you will have to go with him, the other with me. I can't see worth _beans_," James said.

Remus and Peter looked at each other. Remus really didn't particularly want to go to the hospital wing but neither did Peter. They did wand-potion-book which Remus thankfully won. Peter pulled a face then left with Sirius, while Remus went with James almost immediately regretting winning as he kept having to grab James's arm to stop him from running in to things.

"I'm sick of Snape," James spat out. "He's going to get it."

"Yeah," Remus mumbled. "I know, we'll get revenge."

James rubbed his face. "He could have really hurt me. Again! You know, our pranks might be _mean_ sometimes, but have we ever seriously risked his health? I don't _think_ so." Remus didn't say anything, just seized James's sleeve before he smacked into a suit of armor, tugging him aside. "He's dangerous. Something's gotta be done."

"We'll get him back," Remus sighed. Of course they would. They always did. A vicious circle of revenge that Remus wondered would prove to be an ouroboros or if one day there'd be an end. Then he wanted to laugh. Of course there'd be an end: graduation.

"I don't wanna work on the confusing spell thing right now," James muttered. Remus glanced over in surprise. "I mean, it'd just be copying him. We need some time to pass before we can unleash that on him without it seeming _copying_."

Remus suspected that had more to do with the fact that they were all having a hard time doing the spell. Remus thought he could manage it but without a proper target they wouldn't know, and he was adamant about not using people. He really didn't want to use animals either but it looked like they'd have to.

"What spell was that that shattered my glasses?"

"I didn't really catch all of it, nor recognized it," Remus admitted.

"Ugh. Dumb Snivellus." James kicked at the floor then Remus pulled him back as he almost walked right into a group of students. "There's something not right about it," he continued once they were out of hearing of the others. "Some of these spells he's using aren't... like, _regular_ spells, are they? If you've never heard of them?"

"I... guess." Remus folded his arms, having not thought of that aspect of it before. "I've heard of confundus."

"But it's... advanced. And he can do it. Maybe he isn't eleven. Maybe he's like, really older and pretending to be a first year!"

Remus couldn't help but laugh at that theory. "I _think_ someone would notice. Besides, Lily's known him for a few years."

"Maybe he started it early on, to establish, um, establish a thingie. History." James stopped in his tracks, smacking Remus's face. "Oh _Merlin_ I'm sorry I was trying to grab your shoulders! There we are," he said as he managed to put his hands where he meant to. "Sorry for hitting you. Anyway, you know there's rumors of _stuff_ going on, right?"

"Stuff...?"

"Dark stuff. Like, the whole anti-Muggle stuff, anti-Muggleborn. The riots and all a few years back." James was nodding eagerly. "What if Snape's really involved in all of that and pretending to be a kid to like, try and turn other kids to that belief! He's really an _older_ person, see, taking potions to appear young and--and um, what's the word that means like, getting access to the other side?"

"Infiltrate?"

"Yes! That! What if he's doing that?"

Remus smiled, snickering a little. "Um, that--that is an interesting possibility there, Jimmy, but if that were the case he'd probably be in a different house; most the Slytherins _already_ believe in that Purebloods-Best-Bloods nonsense."

James's face fell a little. "Oh. Right. Well. It _was_ a theory."

"A good one," Remus promised, patting James.

They continued going up to the dorms, James complaining about Snape the entire way while Remus kept having to stop him from running face first into just about everything they came across.


	82. Chapter Eighty-One - An Afternoon With Lily

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I figured since we're getting close to the end and I don't want to wait an entire month before starting to post book two I thought I'd get an extra chapter out a week! It'll still take a couple weeks to finish up book one but I am just super excited to begin book two I thought it'd be nice to do this :)

Friday was a brilliant, beautiful warm, sunshine-y day. After Defense Remus went outside with Lily, planning on studying by the lake however they didn't really do much studying. Lily ended up making a flower crown while Remus took his socks and shoes off, wriggling his toes in the cool mud.

"Only three weeks till the exams," she said, carefully weaving white flowers together. "Six till we go home."

Remus flopped onto his back, looking up at the blaze of blue above. "I can't imagine being home for so long. Two weeks feels like too long for me now."

"I know what you mean. I loved being home for the holidays but it felt so... _weird_."

"Empty."

"Precisely. None of your friends live near you, do they?"

Remus closed his eyes, not wanting to talk about his home. "No."

"Oh. I'll write you loads of letters. Maybe we can get together! At least when we go into Diagon Alley, we'll have to go on the same day." She adjusted her legs, bringing the crown closer to her face as she began adding in tiny little purple flowers.

"You'll have Snape though, at least. Right?" He had fully expected things to be tense between the two of them, but she didn't even mention what happened in Potions. He wondered if she knew what happened after... that Snape made James's glasses explode.

Lily smiled. "Yeah he lives nearby. I _am_ looking forward to that. I feel like him being in Slytherin and me being in Gryffindor makes it so difficult for us to spend much time together. So hopefully we'll be able to do more over the summer. Wish you could come over too. Isn't there some sort of... instant travel?"

"There's Apparition," Remus replied, "which is kinda like... one second you're in one spot the next you're somewhere else. But only adults can do that. They can bring kids along but they need to be licensed for slide-along Apparition, which my father doesn't have. There's the Floo network. Fireplaces. But... my family's not connected up."

"I see. Sev's talked about the fireplace thing. Sounds really scary to me. Walking into a _fireplace_." She shook her head. "I still get surprised by magic. Is that weird?"

"Of course not." He sat back up, using some sticks to scrape the mud off his feet which had gotten cold. "You spent eleven years--well, I s'pose less than that since you met Snape a while ago, but most your life the Muggle way. You'll probably still be surprised by magic when you're twenty-two."

He felt something on his head and he jumped a little, glancing up. Lily was kneeling next to him, adjusting the flower crown that she draped on him. "Looks good on you." She sat back against her heels, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. Remus reached up, touching the flower crown gingerly, not wanting to break it. "You look cute."

He wondered if guys were supposed to be 'cute'. "Thank you," he replied, not sure what else to respond with.

Lily began working on another flower crown while Remus got his socks back on, continually reaching to touch the flowers, wondering what it looked like. Probably dumb. He casually went over to the edge of the lake and peered in. All right, maybe not so dumb. He gave his sickly reflection a smile then went back to sit next to Lily. She finished her second crown--white with lots of greenery--and put it on herself.

"You look really pretty," he said, not sure if he should say that or cute.

But Lily beamed. "Thank you! I figure there's probably some magic way to make these but I prefer the Muggle way."

"I prefer food when it's done the Muggle way," Remus admitted.

"I miss my mother's home cooked meals!" Lily fell back onto the grass, her hair everywhere, the flowers still on her.

Remus lay down next to her. "Me too. Thank Merlin Mum sends me some cookies or something every week, otherwise I think I'd go crazy." He said that sentence without really thinking it through and _felt_ Lily flinching next to him when he said 'crazy'. That word still clung to him. He knew plenty of people still referred to him as Loopy, whispered that he was crazy. It wasn't something that had gone away.

"What do you look forward to the most, going home?" she asked. "And the least?"

His first thought was Gwyllgi--something he'd never in a million years admit to _anyone_. Then he felt guilty that his first thought had been his stuffed animal. "Seeing my parents again," he said even though that wasn't entirely true. It sounded like the right thing to say. "I miss them."

"Me too. But besides that. I mean..." She rolled over, propping her chin up on one hand as she gazed down into his face. The sun was shining off her hair and with the flowers he thought she looked like some sort of spring goddess. "Besides my family I _really_ look forward to having a TV again."

"Yeah they're pretty nifty," Remus mused. "We have an old one but we don't really use it much. We mostly listen to radio programs."

"I love TV. I miss it. I have so much to catch up on! I've missed _all_ of _Dr. Who_'s new season except one episode during the Easter holidays but it was a finale of the serial anyway so I don't think that counts, though it was neat to see the Master again. You know, I think Jon Pertwee's Doctor looks a lot like a wizard. I bet he'd fit right in." Remus nodded, only barely following what she was saying. She plucked some grass and let it drift out of her fingers, some if it onto his face. "You have _no_ idea what I'm talking about do you?"

He grinned up. "Nope."

"I'll show you sometime. You can come visit, and I'll show you _Dr. Who_."

Visit, again. "Sounds like a great idea," he said, having zero intentions of following through. He wished he could. He wished that he could go visit Lily's house, meet her parents (maybe meet the awful-sounding Petunia?), watch TV with her. Wished he could go visit all his friends (maybe not Sirius's house, course he never extended an invitation to anyone anyway so). "I bet they study TV in Muggle Studies."

Lily giggled. "I'll take the class, just to watch programs again! It'd be weird to hear about Muggles from a magical viewpoint though." She folded her arms, resting her head down against them, her face just inches from him. He could smell the lemon candy she had eaten earlier still on her breath. "I wonder if any Muggleborns actually take the class. I think a Muggleborn should _teach_ it. Or at least someone who's lived as a Muggle for a while. Think that's the sort of person they got?"

"Probably not," he replied. He took one of the blades of grass still tickling his face and held it up against the sky. "Did Snape ever come round to your house?"

"A couple times. Not often. He used to say he didn't feel right coming over when I couldn't come to his house... I believed him at the time but..." She gave a sigh. "Now I wonder if it's the Muggle part of it that made him not want to come over."

_That sounds rather_ _likely_, he thought, keeping that to himself.

"You never said what you're least looking forward to, about summer," she pointed out.

He rolled his eyes towards her. "Not having my friends. I'm going to really miss all of you."

"I can't imagine missing _them_ buuuut I suppose you would," she said, pretending to look disgusted. He laughed. "I'm sure you've made plans to visit _them_ at least, haven't you?" She kept saying 'them' in the same tone he imagined she'd refer to a pile of poo.

"I--I can't," he said. Her eyes got wide. "I mean, with my illness. I don't know when it will happen and I don't want to _make_ plans then have to cancel them."

"Surely they'd understand."

"I guess but it still feels... like I'd be disappointing them."

"Mmm." She began peeling apart a flower, carefully pulling off the petals. "You don't get sick that often, really. It's almost like--" She stopped and Remus held his breath, waiting for her to say something that would mean he'd have to end their friendship, push her away. "--it's what, every couple months?" She put the petals in her cupped hand and then blew, watching them drift off.

Remus rolled onto his stomach now, poking his finger into the dirt. "I get sick on and off. No telling when it will happen." He kept his voice as steady as possible, worried she'd start noticing he disappeared like clockwork. He'd have to fake an illness again before the next full moon.

Her hand slipped into his, taking him by surprise. "I'd really like it if you could visit. I know my parents would love to meet you. I've talked about you a lot. Alice and Cassie are going to come over at some point. Alice especially wants to see what it's like at a Muggle house! Or maybe I could come see you? Would that be easier?"

_No, no, no_! He wanted to dig a hole in the ground to bury himself, to get _away_ from all of this. "Maybe that would work!" he said, voice falsely cheerful. "It all depends on my mother of course."

"Of course," she agreed.

"She gets sick more than me, it's more intense for her. Further along. I really don't know when--" He knew he was babbling and then broke off when Lily put her other hand over his, so both of her were encapsulating one of his.

"Remus," she said, "I _understand_. If you can't, you can't. It's okay." She squeezed his hand then let go, standing up completely, brushing the grass off her uniform. Remus followed suit, not sure if she wanted to go back into the school or not but she just grabbed her bag of books to go closer to the lake, sitting on a big rock. Remus climbed up next to her, their legs dangling down, shoes just a couple inches above the water. They talked for a long time, occasionally dropping things down into the lake. Pebbles, bits of dirt, leaves. The giant squid was nearby, one of its tentacled slithering beneath their feet. At one point it flicked its tentacle, splashing some water against their. Lily laughed and got out some more of her lemon candy, tossing one in.

"Do you think it can actually eat it?" she asked as the tentacle pulled the tiny bit of candy down under the water.

"Probably not. It probably just accepts it as a gift or something," he said, leaning forward to try and see but the squid's mouth was a long distance away so he couldn't tell.

Lily tossed another piece of candy. "I haven't found anything about it in any book except some Hogwarts stuff. Are all giant squids magical?"

"Maybe." The squid took the second piece away. "There's really not a lot of information about deep sea creatures."

"The lake isn't deep sea." Lily scooted down the rock, taking one of her shoes and socks off so she could tip her toe in the water. "Ooh, it's cold! I wonder how the squid got there."

Remus grinned at her. "Magic."

She shoved him so hard he fell backwards off the rock and she shrieked with apologies but he just laughed, laying on his back on the ground. She scrambled down the rock to help him up, apologizing over and over until he accepted it, not at all bothered. Unfortunately when she went to help him she kicked her shoe off the rock and into the lake so Remus got it for her, using the locomotor spell to move it along the water until it bumped up against the shore.

"Maybe we could do a study of the giant squid for a class. I'd like to do that," she said, shaking the water off her shoe. "I know we get more classes in a couple years but I really feel like we're lacking in subjects."

"At Beauxbatons--in France--they have a few more classes. Like Healing. I think we'll learn healing stuff in Charms after we take our O.W.Ls, though it's not its own class."

"It should be." She put her sock and wet shoe on, then adjusted her flower crown. "We should have loads of options."

"Like what?" he asked, curious.

Lily frowned, bringing up her necklace so she could run the chain across her bottom lip. "One for Muggleborns about what wizarding society is like, how to _be_ a member of wizarding society. That would be nice. I feel like a bungle up things all the time, I say things I shouldn't, or don't understand."

"If you have any questions I'd be glad to help," he said then realized he probably couldn't help her at all. He definitely wasn't a regular member of wizarding society; he didn't know very much at all. "As much I could," he added, a wee bit embarrassed.

She tilted her head, eyes sparkling with amusement. "All right. Can you tell me a good fingernail polish spell?"

"A--what?"

"Fingernail polish spell." She raised her hand, wriggling her fingers.

"Um." Remus just stared dumbfounded. "Um. I d.... don't... know?"

"I'm _teasing_," she giggled. "I'm sorry though, yeah, I was teasing. Alice and Cassie have taught me some but they're a little advanced, it's not as simple as color changing fabric or anything." She looked down at her fingernails with a sigh. "They have some potion that--you put a drop on your nail and it covers the whole thing and you can use a word to change its color. I'm going to try to buy some next time I go to Diagon."

"I hope you--err--find some?" He really had no idea how to respond to that, hoping she wouldn't start talking about makeup.

She didn't, instead talking about other things she'd like to look for in Diagon Alley. They sat back down on the rock, talking about the various shops a Diagon Alley... mostly Flourish and Blotts. Remus's favorite store. He had only been there once, for school, but wanted to go back. Not that he could afford much there... all his books had been bought secondhand except for one (_A Beginner's Guide to Transfiguration_) since it had been sold out at the used bookstore they had gone to. He remembered his father's pinched face when they went into Flourish and Blotts, the tense muscles in his jaw when he forked over the coins for the new book. He knew all his friends all had brand new books. He wished he could have another new book. When he got his Transfiguration book home and opened it... breathing in its scent... all books smelled amazing to Remus but a brand new book smelled a little different. It smelled... _wonderful_.

Then the conversation swung back to Beauxbatons; Lily was very curious about other magic schools. "My grandmother--my father's mother--is from France. She moved over here when she and my grandfather got married but was adamant about her children going to Beauxbatons."

"Did she want you to go?"

Remus shrugged. "I never really knew her. We're not very close with my father's family. Or my mother's family."

"How come?" Lily sounded rather upset about that fact. He kinda regretted saying it already.

"I dunno," he mumbled, trying to figure out how to explain. "I think my father's family was angry because of my mother's illness. That _I_ have it. This was all ages ago, so I really don't know. And I guess my mum's family didn't understand and so we just sort've... drifted off on our own. I don't know my extended family that much." That all sounded feasible, didn't it?

"That must suck," she said softly, her hand resting on top of his. "I don't have much extended family. Both my parents were only children, and my mother's father passed away when I was very little. I have a couple cousins but I don't see them often. None of them know about me though. Just my parents and--Petunia. My parents weren't sure what to say to my grandparents so... we just haven't, yet. I'm a little afraid of what might happen. Like, what you said about your mother's family not understanding. What if they don't? I mean, Petunia doesn't really."

Remus twisted his hand so he could squeeze hers. "I'm sure she'll come around. It's a really big thing to adjust to. Plus it must be hard like--you being singled out, while she doesn't have any magic."

Lily nodded slowly then said softly, "She wrote a letter to Dumbledore, begging him to accept her."

He couldn't help but wince at that. "Oh. That's probably a lot of it."

"Yeah," she sighed. "I just wish... things could be easier. I love her so much. We used to be so close. I want to talk to her about _so much_, stuff that only sisters can really talk about. Except she doesn't respond to my letters. Anything said is through my parents so I can't say anything really private. At least I have Alice and Cassie. Except, it's really not the same, is it?"

"I don't imagine it would be," he said. "I--really don't know."

Lily put her head on his shoulder. "Course I have you but you don't want to hear about my _girl_ problems."

"You can tell me anything," he said, though wondered what 'girl problems' would entail. Probably embarrassing stuff. "If you're comfortable telling me. I won't tell anyone anything. I--just don't know how helpful I could be."

"I doubt _you'd_ be comfortable. But thank you."

"What kind of problems would girls have that boys wouldn't?" he asked, really curious.

She stared at him now. "I thought you read a lot," she said which made him blush. "You know. _Girl_ stuff. Boy issues--like, cute guys--and... body issues. Like... boobs."

Remus began coughing so hard it hurt. "Ah. Er. Um. Y--yes. W-w-well. Um. I d-d-don't... I don't... tha--that's not something I c-can... really... I d-don't know... about th--that." He thought of what the Marauders said, about what James said about boobs.

She was laughing so hard tears poured down her cheeks. "That was the best thing _ever_. I'm sorry. That was hilarious, your face!! I'm sorrryyy!" But she just laughed even harder, unable to breathe. After she finally managed to calm down (wiping her face on her sleeves) she then asked, "All right, I've got a question. Do you guys talk about... guy stuff? Like. Cute girls?"

"Ermm..." Remus blinked a few times, trying to think. "N... not really. I don't think any of them has talked about girls. Except, I guess, this one Quidditch player the three of them seem to like? I dunno who she is though. That was only once."

What _did_ the Marauders talk about? Pranks. School stuff. Just--general stuff. Quidditch, for them. Not girls though. Were they supposed to be talking about girls? He didn't even really know anything about cute girls. He thought Lily was probably cute but he really thought her more along the lines of _pretty_, and not in _that_ way, the way everyone said he liked her. Even though she called him cute earlier he doubted she meant it in the same way that she said 'cute boys'. When were boys and girls supposed to start _noticing_ each other like that? Sirius and Peter already did, he knew that. He told Lily about the splinter in Peter's finger and the second year girl kissing it, which made Lily go 'oooooooh' then asked who the girl was. He didn't know and did the best he could describing her.

"Curly blonde?" she asked, crinkling her nose up. "Really long hair? Blue eyes? She's very pretty. Very, very pretty. No wonder Pettigrew got all flustered about it. I don't think anyone could get their finger kissed by someone who looks like that and _not_ get flustered." Would he have gotten flustered? He didn't think so. He thought it was gross, and said so. That just made Lily start laughing again.

"Sorry but I don't understand the whole spit thing!" he admitted. "I've _never_ understood when my parents kissed. Swapping spit sounds _gross_." Besides, he had werewolf spit which was probably very dangerous, so kissing was definitely out of the question for him. "Didn't you say that once? About spit swap promises?"

"It's different though!" Lily protested. "Spitting in your hand and shaking hands is one thing--very gross--but _kissing..."_ She gave a dreamy sort of sigh. "I wonder what that'd be like. I can't wait to have my first kiss. I'm probably going to be rubbish though."

"I'm never going to kiss anyone," he said stubbornly.

"Mmmmhm."

"It's disgusting."

She leaned in and kissed his cheek.

Just kissed his cheek.

Her lips just--on his _cheek_. On his _skin_. (on his werewolf skin)

He just stared at her in absolute shock, unable to even move (kissed him! on his _cheek_! her _lips_! _werewolf_!). Lily raised her eyebrows, blushing a little bit as she waited a response which didn't come because he couldn't talk. It felt like he had been given the langlock curse again or something. All he managed to get out was a 'duhhhh' sort of sound.

"Was that disgusting?" she asked, tired of waiting.

He raised his hand, fingers brushing against the spot. The thought of lying didn't even cross his mind. "Actually... k--kinda. Yeah." He began wiping it off on his sleeve while Lily rolled her eyes. He hoped he didn't sound too panicked. _If she knew, if she knew, oh Merlin, her lips were on my skin, on my WEREWOLF skin, what if she knew, what if she finds out, oh Merlin, she kissed a monster, what if something happens, what if it DOES something to her?!_ He half expected just to transform, like some sort of anti-fairy tale. Kiss the boy, he turns back into a monster. He wanted to run away, to hide, to go under his bed for the next twenty years.

"That's the first kiss I've ever given anyone and you go and say it was disgusting." He hoped she was teasing however her tone was definitely put out.

"Lily--no. No. I didn't mean it l--like _that_. Just... really..." Now he panicked even more, for hurting her. "I just--wasn't expecting it. And-and-and really, okay, it just... I don't know! I'm--I'm sure if I was--" _normal_, he wanted to say, "--like most boys I'd--I'd--I'd be fainted right now."

"Fainted."

"Uh-huh." He crossed his hands then jerked them outwards. "Com_pletely_ passed out from bliss."

"Good God, Remus! It wasn't that good!" But she looked pleased. "Are you going to go brag to your friends now?"

"No!" he half-shrieked which seemed to upset her again. "Th--they think we're... you know... and if I tell them _that_ then I'd never convince them we're just friends."

"Alice and Cassie think we are too. It's really annoying."

He didn't want to say it was a relief to hear her say that it annoyed her, cause after that kiss he had been vaguely worried she thought _he_ was cute-cute. He didn't want to deal with that (ever). He just wanted to be _friends, _so he was glad that it seemed like that's all Lily wanted to.

"One day when they're all crushing on you I'll brag to them," he teased.

Lily giggled, smacking his arm. "They won't be. When the girls are after you I'll be the one bragging."

"Oh! Right, because scrawny little sickly bookworms is what _all_ the girls want," he snickered. She flashed him a grin, bumping her shoulder against his. Then they realized it was a little after five and if they wanted supper before study group they'd need to go. They both removed their flower crowns, tossing them into the water, then walked back into the school shoulder-to-shoulder.


	83. Chapter Eighty-Two - Full Moon Howl

So, Remus had his first kiss. Not kiss-kiss. On the cheek. Still. He kept thinking about it all weekend, wishing he hadn't been so awkward about it. It _had_ been gross. Just, he probably _shouldn't_ have told her that. He wondered how his friends would have reacted. Peter would probably be super flustered. James... might be grossed out too since he hated Lily. Sirius would probably have just kissed her cheek back or something. He wondered briefly if she ever kissed Snape's cheek but then no, she said it was her first kiss so...

All weekend he had nightmares about it. The first night he had woken up screaming (he had dreamed Lily kissed his cheek but, like he had been frightened of when it happened, when her lips touched his cheek he turned into a monster, slobbering, snarling, snapping). Sirius slid into his bed, kneeling next to him, talking to him gently. Not about the nightmare since Remus acted like he couldn't remember what had woken him up, just about various things until Remus calmed down enough to go back to sleep. On Saturday and Sunday night the nightmares tore him from his sleep silently, no screams. No Sirius.

By the time classes started up on Monday he mostly shook the whole thing off. Lily wasn't acting any different, nor did she seem to expect something from him so she had been telling the truth when she said it annoyed her that her friends thought they were together. The kiss had been just what she intended it to be: teasing him.

Meanwhile the rest of the school geared up for the last game. Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw. Remus had to listen to a steady stream of Quidditch talk at breakfast _and_ at lunch though he tuned it out for the most part, doing his best to study. At least he'd have some time on Saturday to study in comfort... and _silence_. He doubted a single Gryffindor would be left in the tower besides him. A whole afternoon of blissful _silence_. He was going to miss being able to do that when James got on the team.

"...mus?" He jumped as a hand waved between his face and the book. It was James. "I asked if you're coming to the game Saturday. Please? It's the last one!"

Remus pulled back a little, shaking his head. "No. I'm... r--really not interested. I'll go to _your_ games though. I promise."

James wasn't appeased. "But if you come to this one I can properly _explain_ everything."

"I'll have these two when the time comes," Remus pointed out, jerking his chin towards Sirius and Peter. "And that book you gave me. I'll be fine."

James looked extremely disappointed. "Fine," he grumbled, sticking his lower lip out in a pout. Remus felt the urge to laugh at how childish James was being however managed to keep that to himself. Across the table Sirius's eyes were twinkling in amusement. Either from Remus being stubborn or James being bratty, Remus wasn't really sure. Possibly both.

"Look at it this way," Peter said cheerfully, "Remus hates Quidditch but he's still gonna come to _your_ games just for _you_."

James poked at his food, lips twitching a tad bit. "Yeah, I guess."

"Exactly," Remus chimed in. "I will one hundred percent go to your games and be cheering and... erm..." What did people do at sports? "Waving a banner. And ummm..." He tried to think. "Wear lion ears."

James looked at him. "Do you really have no idea what goes on at Quidditch games? You're just guessing, aren't you?"

Remus's cheeks went a little pink and he sniffled. "All right, so I don't. But as I said, I'll have them and I'll read the book you gave me over the summer. I'll be fine."

After lunch they headed towards Defense, Remus walking a little behind his friends as he searched through his bag for something. Sirius slowed down, matching pace. "Hey," he said, elbowing Remus gently. "You okay?"

"Huh?" Remus blinked up at him.

"You seemed kind've out of it all weekend," Sirius said, silver eyes piercing him. "Was it your nightmare on Friday? You seem a little better now but... I just wanted to see if you were."

"I guess I'm just a little stressed out about the exams," he lied.

Sirius snorted. "You're putting too much pressure on yourself. You could take all those exams with one hand--no, _both_ hands tied behind your back and still beat us _all_." Remus smiled but didn't respond. Sirius ran his fingers through his hair, giving a loud sigh. "You are though. You're smart. Brains." He poked the top of Remus's head at that.

"I still need to make sure I get the best I can possibly get."

They were nearing Defense now and Sirius stopped, so Remus stopped as well. "Is it because of your parents?"

Remus froze except for a wormy sort of sickness deep in the pit of his stomach. How did Sirius _know_ that? Did he see one of the letters Remus had written? Or--something his mother had written? Remus was so careful not letting anyone see! He destroyed his mother's letters after, making sure no scrap of evidence remained of her mentioning the moon or his curse. But did Sirius happen to see...? No. No, because if he did he'd have seen the truth laid out about Remus being a werewolf, and he wouldn't be standing there poking him--_touching_ him--if he knew.

So... how?

"No," Remus said, trying his hardest to keep his voice steady. Except there was a tiny bit of a tremble in the short word and Sirius definitely picked it up, as his eyebrows went shooting up. "For myself. That's all."

James and Peter were waiting ahead, watching the two of them with curiosity. Sirius waved his hand to indicate for them to go on in which they did. "Look..." He stepped closer to Remus, his voice dropping. "I don't know exactly what _your_ family dynamic is like but--I do understand what it's like to be pressured. By family. And... you know... just..." He trailed off, eyes lowering a little. "You didn't eat lunch at all."

Remus frowned. Of course he had eaten, he had had... errr... "I _ate_."

"No you didn't, you were too busy reading your Charms book except when James talked to you about the Quidditch stuff." Sirius pushed his hair back again. "You've been paler than normal this weekend too." _Because I barely got any sleep cause of those nightmares_, he wanted to argue, though kept his mouth shut. "Is it your parents? Pushing you?"

"No," he said, this time honestly. "They're _proud_ of my grades but they never tell me I have to do better." _It's me who says that_. Again, he kept that to himself.

"So... what... it's you?" he asked, far too perceptive. Remus kinda wanted to kick him. "Remus, just--" His hand started coming down to Remus's shoulder but Remus pulled away.

"Come on, we're going to be late." He walked to the classroom, blood pounding in his ears. He wasn't sure what to take from _that_ exchange except Sirius didn't really have any right to accuse him of _pushing_ himself, or anything. Sure, okay, yeah, he _was_ pushing himself but--he _had_ to. He could just study here and there, get pretty good grades. Remus knew he was smart, he _knew_ he'd easily get at least Es if he never studied at all. But he needed the Os, he needed the highest percentages possible so he could show them to his mother when she tried to say he shouldn't go back to Hogwarts.

Dedenne glanced up as he came in. "You're a minute late, Mr. Lupin; one point from Gryffindor."

"Sorry, P-Professor," he mumbled as he took his seat.

Sirius, who came in behind him, was ignored by her. Of course.

*

Fawley saw the kiss. Of course she did. She had that sort of _smile_ on her face after which irked Remus. However she also saw what Sirius did: that Remus was pushing himself. She saw the little conversation they had, then asked him if he was skipping meals.

"No," he replied, lifting his chin. "Sometimes I don't eat _much_ at meals but--I'm--I'm not _skipping_. Besides, I need... t-to be the best. You _know_ that. You said that--"

"It wasn't my intent to put more pressure on you when I gave you that idea," she chided softly. "You're only twelve. You'll have plenty of time to panic come O.W.Ls."

He bit his bottom lip anxiously. "If I don't g-get really good grades then I probably won't _make_ it to the O.W.Ls. Hogwarts is... wonderful. I love it here. I don't w-want to go back to... not learning."

"Not having friends?" she asked and he looked away, reddening a little bit. "You... can't... stay friends with them forever."

"I know. It isn't just my friends, though, it _is_ th-the whole school thing. I adore my classes! I _love_ learning. And--and sure my m-mother could read to me from a book, my father could show me things but it's not the same." He was still chewing on his lip and now he drew some blood. "Professor McGonagall is one of the--the most b-brilliant Transfiguration experts _ever_. I would never get the same sort of education from a _book_ that I would from _her_. Even the teachers who aren't absolute _experts_ in their fields they still can teach me so much more than at home."

Fawley smiled though this one wasn't that secret-y sort of 'Lily kissed you on the cheek' smile she had before, this was a proper smile. "You are such a passionate young man. So intelligent. It's such a..." She trailed off.

"Such a what?"

"Nothing," she sighed. "Nothing, dear. Let's continue with Occlumency, shall we?" She pressed her hands against his temples without waiting for a response, pushing into his head once more.

He was getting a little better at resisting her, at least so she said. He couldn't tell a different except for the headache being sharper afterwards but she told him that his mind didn't yield quite as easily anymore, that she was consistently having to press a little more than usual to get in. It wasn't exactly what he wanted (he wanted to have something more solid by this point) but at least it was something he supposed.

*

The next evening after curfew but before Astronomy Remus gave up trying to take a nap. Apparently one of the big bands was having their new song played on the radio for the first time and everyone seemed pretty excited except maybe Spinnet who wasn't that into music. Struthers had actually gone over to James, Sirius, and Peter to be excited with them. James was playing the newest album by the group loudly while the four of them sang and flailed around until eight pm--the 'magic' moment, so to speak--came. Remus hoped afterwards he could take a nap. He generally liked music but he didn't particular like _Kaeso __And The Monster Boys_. Most their songs involved monsters and he knew one day there'd be a werewolf one.

Which turned out to be today.

It was called the _Full Moon Howl_ and Remus buried his nose as deep into his book as he could, skin prickling every time there was a reference which seemed to just about be every other line, as if the words were a glowing arrow pointing at him.

_In the darkness, a sliver of light, my heart is on the prowl. I'm the beast, my darling, and you make me do the full moon howl_! AWOOOOO!!!!

It was so stupid.

_Baby your love burns me like a silver knife in my heart_.

Remus bowed his head, nose itching. It was the dumbest song he'd ever heard.

_Baby you cut through the evil you see through me, baby I'm yours you've freed me. No more darkness, the world's full of light, baby my heart's on the prowl. No more a beast, my sweetest, I've finished my full moon howl._

So, true love gets rid of a werewolf's curse. Remus rolled his eyes and then drew his knees up, muscles in his jaw twitching a little, feeling like he might cry.

"AWOOOO!" James howled when the song finished, jumping back and forth on his and Sirius's beds. "AwwwoOOOOOO!"

"That was so much better than _Basilisk's Stare_," Peter said, referencing their last song.

Remus could hear people down in the common room howling. Why couldn't the other Marauders and Struthers have gone down _there_ to listen to the stupid song? He sank down in his bed, the words in his book blurring a little as some tears finally came to his eyes. It was so stupid. A few drops landed on his book and he reached out, shutting his curtains so nobody could see him as he rolled over, covering his face. Stupid. Stupid. So stupid.

"AWOOOOOO!"

James, Peter, and Struthers were all howling now, and laughing, trying to repeat some of the lines they got from the song. They only remembered bits and pieces. Remus had every line burned into his brain. He couldn't get rid of them even if he tried. Unfortunately. He wanted to reach into his head, yank the words out, claw up his body to pull the song out of his very being. He knew this song was gonna be played on the radio over and over, that most the kids would be singing it, probably howling. He pulled his blanket over his head, gritting his teeth, making slight choking sound as he tried to stop the even louder sobbing sounds from coming out.

"Sirius, you're being quiet, what did you think?" James asked.

"Oh, I dunno. It was all right I guess."

"All _right_?!" James demanded incredulously. "It was brilliant. Their best one yet!"

"Ehhh."

"You're crazy."

"Thank you."

At least Sirius wouldn't be howling. Remus rubbed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, then decided a shower would be best. He hopped out of bed so he could quickly gather his stuff then left, but Sirius followed him into the hall, grabbing his arm to stop him. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Fine." Remus clutched his towel to his chest, looking down at the ground. "Are you going to ask me that every day?"

"Every day that you seem upset."

Remus glared. "I'm _not_ upset."

"You look like you were crying."

He wrenched his arm free. "I wasn't. Excuse me." He pushed past Sirius to get to the bathroom, feeling any second the flood might come again. He managed to hold it off until he got in the shower, turned on the water. Then he collapsed down, sobbing loudly, the lyrics repeating in his head. Silver daggers, slobbering animals. Why would anyone even want to sing about that? Or basilisks? Or dementors? Or lethifolds? Or trolls? That's what he was part of. Inhuman... beasts... Monsters...

The ending of the song was clear: it wasn't until after the evil that the girl loved him.

Because who could love a werewolf?

Remus stayed in the shower for a long time. Cried until he couldn't anymore then just curled up on the floor as the hot water sprayed down, eventually turning cold. He knew it could be magicked to stay hot all day however suspected there was a cut off point to prevent people from taking crazy long showers. Like him. He let the cold water wash over him, soon shivering rather violently. He just curled up into a tighter ball, burying his face in his arms, hating whoever Kaeso was and his stupid, dumb... stupid... monster boys. At some point Sirius came in, calling for him, telling him he had been in there for over an hour now. Remus said he was fine, said he'd be out soon but he had no intention of leaving the shower. With the water spraying down he couldn't hear the howls.

"You're not okay," Sirius said.

"Leave me alone."

"What's wrong?"

Remus could see just under the curtains. They didn't quite reach the floor. There was maybe a half inch gap, and he could see Sirius's fancy slippers standing just a few feet away. "Nothing. I don't feel good. I think I might go to the hospital wing."

"Are you--do you need help?"

"Help with what?"

"Getting to the hospital wing."

"No. Just, go away."

"Remus--"

"Please."

The slippers shifted a bit then disappeared. Remus sat upright, turning off the shower then slumping back against the wall. His entire body was like a prune now. And he was so cold. _I'm overreacting_, he thought as he reached through the curtain to grab his towel. _It's just a song_. _It's meaningless. It's stupid_. He dried off then got dressed in his uniform, debating whether or not to go to the hospital wing or go to Astronomy. He _wanted_ to go to the hospital wing and stay there overnight, tucked away from Kaeso and the Monster Boys. However... skipping class... wasn't the best of ideas with exams so class and him needing to miss at least two days of classes cause of the moon anyway.

_Full moon howl_, he thought miserably as he left the bathroom. His dorm was playing the album again, James, Peter, and Struthers singing the old songs. He walked in just as Kaeso crooned that his lover was freezing him up like a basilisk's stare.

_Basilisks kill people with their eyes, not freeze them_, he thought rather bitterly. _But I suppose it doesn't sound as cool if you say freezing him up like a basilik's stare from a mirror_. Sirius watched him with curiosity as he went to his bed. Remus remained silent, falling into his bed and closing the curtains.

"AWOOOOOO!"

James was howling again.

_Merlin's sake just STOP_! Remus grabbed his pillow, pulling it over his head. He knew it was wrong of him but he couldn't help but feel a slight stab of anger towards James and Peter. It wasn't fair. They liked the group, they liked their music. It was probably a great bop to most kids. Just... _why_?!

He was still furious and miserable when it was time to go to Astronomy. He shrugged off Sirius's concern, pretending like he was feeling better. Of course that night he had a nightmare about the song. A silver dagger into his heart. All his friends howling at him as he trashed in pain until death took him. He woke up with a start, thankfully not screaming; he didn't want to deal with Sirius right now.

He slid out of bed and went to the window, pressing his hot face against the cool glass. The moon was a perfect crescent shape in the sky, a little more than a week until it'd be full. He ran his fingers down the glass then returned to bed, wrapping himself around one of his pillows, fighting off sleep until he couldn't anymore, and the nightmares pulled him in again once more.


	84. Chapter Eighty-Three - Remus's Big Prank

_Full Moon Howl_ had taken over the school. Remus scuffled around, head down, trying not to totally freak out as students sang about silver daggers and howled. The teachers were all really annoyed, except Professor Dedenne who just seemed super twitchy (and at one point when McGonagall passed by Remus in the halls she took him aside to see if he was okay; he lied, promising he was). At least it was rumored another big group--The Hufflepuffskeins--would be releasing a new song soon so hopefully that would erase this one.

It felt like an eternity till the weekend but _finally_ Saturday came and the _Full Moon Howl_ was replaced by Quidditch mania. At breakfast there were more blue-and-bronze colors than there were Gryffindor due to the fact most the Slytherins were clearly rooting for Ravenclaw to win. So that put two full houses decked out in blue and bronze, then probably a good quarter of the Hufflepuffs as well.

Partway through breakfast some older Gryffindors started shouting a changed version of the chorus to _Full Moon_ Howl which most the other Gryffindors picked up quick enough, dozens upon dozens of voices singing, _"_In the brightness, a sliver of gold, my team will conqu-_or_! We're the beasts, little birdies, and you make me do the Gryffindor _Roar_!"

Remus stabbed his eggs, the fork clinking violently off the plate. At least he'd have peace in the afternoon.

As always, James made one last pitch for Remus to go with them which he turned down, then James, Sirius, and Peter gathered the giant banner they had made and joined the crowd streaming out, singing the Gryffindor Roar. Remus waited until the students thinned out then hightailed it for the tower, sighing happily at the silence. For several minutes he just lay on a couch, eyes closed, hearing only the faint crackling of the fire which was getting smaller with each passing week until it would end up just a small little bit of glowing wood as outside temperatures grew.

Nobody talking. Nobody laughing. Nobody whispering.

Nobody howling.

It was that moment he realized he _never_ had any true quiet. Sure he could push the backgrounds sounds down well enough. And when he was in his bed with his curtains shut, that helped some. Just... not like this.

He reached up, pressing his hands gently against his ears. _Maybe I'll try to figure out how to block sounds._ That seemed kinda out of reach considering he was still trying to figure out how to block _smells_. He let his hands drop then got off the couch, getting his text books. Except studying didn't really feel very _right_. He knew he should. That's what he had been planning on doing. But--

_All the teachers will be at the game_, he realized, sitting ramrod straight. _Everyone's at the game. This is the final Quidditch match_. He stared at the door to the common room, wondering just how much of the castle he had to himself. He doubted Farrow had left the library and figured Filch was probably lurking somewhere.

But no other students. No teachers.

Without even thinking he put all his books aside, made sure his wand was in his pocket, then left the common room. It was almost like sneaking around at night. Everything seemed so... quiet, except for occasionally a very faint cheer. He wandered through the halls, a dim thought in the back of his head which began growing brighter and brighter until he took off running.

First stop: the library. Sure enough Farrow was there, glaring at Remus as he meekly walked in. He went as cautiously as he could into the aisles, wandering around seemingly aimlessly until he ended up in the charms section. It took a few minutes to find what he was looking for, carefully copying everything out, then put the book back where it was, looped around, emerged from the creatures section with a book on dragons for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Farrow mumbled to himself as Remus checked the book out, then left very casually. Once outside, he began running again.

Second stop: Myrtle's bathroom. He usually visited her about once a week still, tried his best to visit all his ghost friends from the pre-Marauder days. He knew he could trust her. He practiced the spell as hard as he could, not sure how much time he had. He knew Gryffindor needed to win by quite a few points so he assumed they'd prolong the game to do so. It wasn't very advanced--they'd be learning it probably at the start of their second year--however doing it on such a large surface took a _lot_ of concentration. Myrtle giggled when Remus took his sweatshirt off, stripping down to his t-shirt. He was soaked in sweat as he focused hard.

He managed to do a small area. Then a larger area. After an hour of exhaustive pushing he managed to do the entire bathroom floor. Then got rid of it.

"You're wicked," Myrtle said. "I can't wait to see everyone."

"I wish I could but I can't take the risk of being seen," he replied.

"I'll tell you all about it later," she promised, hovering uncomfortably close to him. One nice thing about ghosts was the fact they all smelled very similar: a vague whispy sort of death-y smell (at least he assumed that's what it was since only ghosts had that smell). He couldn't smell any kind of pheromones, the overload of little scents that living beings gave off. It was like a break for his nose.

"I just hope Filch doesn't ruin it." Actually, someone leaving the game early could ruin it. A likely chance of happening, actually, one lone person coming in, realizing, then going to get someone.

"Filch?" Myrtle stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry. "He's at the game, didn't you know? Wants to see who wins the match."

"Really?" He hadn't thought of Filch as being much into Quidditch.

"He wants Slytherin to win, so he's rooting for Ravenclaw," Myrtle said, tossing her pigtails back. "It's awful, having someone like _him_ root for _us_."

Remus was rather hoping Ravenclaw won too, just so Gryffindor wouldn't be partying all day and all night again. "I'll see you later, Myrtle." He left, going down to the entrance hall as fast as he could but he was pretty exhausted by this point. He wasn't even sure if he had it in him to do what he wanted to do.

On the way down he listened for the sounds from the game. Cheering, still, but not continuous so he doubted it was over. So he took the time to rest. Part of him wanted to giggle, the other part figured someone _would_ ruin everything. Even if they did, at least he gave it a try. He just hoped it worked out.

After a while he got up, feeling mostly better. _I suppose I should thank my werewolf stamina for that_, he thought, then finally arrived at the entrance hall, a very Marauder-y grin on his face as he set about with his work. It was exhausting, draining him of all energy. He was soaked in sweat by the time he finished and on the verge of passing out but he managed to put the finishing touch on the steps leading up to the first floor, then staggered off to one of the secret passages to rest a little bit. He curled up on the floor, still grinning to himself, wishing he could stay and see. He'd probably be caught if he did, though, so... back to the dorms he had to go.

*

Gryffindor lost without having gotten enough points. So, even though Ravenclaw won the game... Slytherin won the Quidditch cup. Something Remus would forever not understand. And Ravenclaw had gotten enough points to just barely make second instead of third, knocking Gryffindor into third. James, Sirius, and Peter were in pretty foul moods when they came up to the dorm... made fouler still by something that had happened.

"What a crap day!" James tore his scarlet hat off, throwing it onto his bed. "First, we don't get enough points, then Ravenclaw probably cheats their way into second place, and then some _jerk_ goes and booby-traps the entire entrance hall!"

"I thought it was funny," Peter said as he began trying to wipe off face paint.

"What happened?" Remus asked innocently.

Sirius rolled his eyes as he flopped onto his bed. "Someone enchanted the floor of the entire entrance hall into this bouncy surface. I mean, _bouncy_. By the time anyone coming in really realized what was going on it was too late. We were bouncing around everywhere."

"I nearly broke my leg again," grumbled James, rubbing his shin. "Course it was probably some Slytherin who did it. I mean, the Gryffindors _were_ the first ones back."

"Are you all right?" Remus felt a _little_ bit bad, not really intending to hurt his friends.

"No!" James snapped. Remus cringed back. "I'm not! Ravenclaw cheated. Slytherin probably helped them."

"They played a g--good game," Peter stuttered then fell silent at the murderous look James shot him. "Well. Um. Next year we'll win cause you'll be on the team."

James, still rubbing his shin, gave a thoughtful sort of nod. "True. Thank Merlin for that. Ooof."

"So... all the Gryffindors were... bouncing? Or something?" Remus wanted to hear less about Quidditch, more of how his prank went.

"Yeah, it was funny," Peter said, grinning broadly.

"Only because you didn't end up in the mess!" Sirius accused. Peter gave a 'so?' sort of shrug. Sirius turned to Remus to explain. "He bounced a couple times then crawled over to the wall, away from the big mess of limbs and feet. The stairs were enchanted too so it was next to impossible to get up to the next floor!"

Remus bit the inside of his cheek to stop from smiling. "Sounds awful. Was it still there or did someone get rid of the, er, rubber?"

"Yeah, we left by way of one of the hidden passageways through the dungeon since that wasn't messed up," Sirius replied.

James stabbed the air with his finger. "_Further_ proof that it _was_ the Slytherins, thank you very much!"

_No, I just forgot to spell the steps leading down as well_, thought Remus, feeling ready to die from suppressing his laughter.

"Half the people were trying to get to safety while the other half were crashing into each other, some of them grabbing onto others...!" Peter began snickering. "One of the seventh year prefects was trying to get rid of the whole thing but since everyone around her was bouncing her spells kept going everywhere and she couldn't say the counter spell properly." Then he covered his mouth, giggling. "Then she got bounced so hard she nearly hit the chandelier!"

Then Remus couldn't stop it. A few giggles escaped, then he dropped his book laughing hard. "S--sorry, just--imagining everyone just ricocheting everywhere!" He hoped that'd be enough of an excuse.

"It wasn't funny!" James pouted. "It was painful. We need revenge right this second."

"It _was_ funny," Peter argued.

"I'm sure it was!" He regretted not staying behind to watch now, because it sounded hilarious. Sure it was _dangerous_, probably morally wrong for him to do such a dangerous prank... but he didn't really feel as bad as he thought he probably should. He wondered if, somewhere deep down, it was out of frustration over the song. Perhaps?

"Only funny cause you weren't there!" James snapped as he kicked off his shoes. "Getting kicked in the chest by some dumb fifth year spinning through the air!"

Sirius narrowed his eyes then glanced at Remus. He knew in that second the jig was up. "You _weren't_ there," Sirius said slowly, "because you weren't at the game."

"No," Remus agreed, waiting for it.

"You were pretty much the only one _not_ at the game," Sirius continued.

"You're probably right about that." His lips were twitching again. Sirius's jaw dropped, then Remus began laughing again. "I'm s--s--sorry you g-got hurt!" he cried out, hardly able to breathe as he rolled back and forth on his bed.

"_YOU_ DID THAT?" Sirius shouted.

James jerked hard. "Wait, what? Remy? You?!"

"Guil--gui--guilty!" he wheezed out, nearly falling out of his bed. His face hurt, his sides hurt, everything hurt--in a good way. He got up feeling very dizzy and unable to see well but he staggered to Peter, pulling the camera off from around his neck, and managed to snap a probably terrible picture of the three Marauders' shocked faces. He pushed the camera into Peter's hand then fell on the floor. "I didn't mean for _you_ to be causalities!" he gasped out. "I figured you'd win, figured it'd be mostly Slytherins or Ravenclaws. Ohhh I wish I could have seen it though!" He was calming down now some, taking in hiccuping breaths of air. He was really dizzy. "Your faces are worth it though."

"_You_ did that," James said, pointing at the door. "You turned the entire entrance hall into--into--"

"Yes."

"I thought you were studying," Sirius said rather darkly.

Remus shrugged. "And I thought that turning the hall into a giant trampoline would be more fun. Annnd I was right." His grin began fading slightly as he realized how furious Sirius and James both looked. His stomach began hurting. They were mad at him. He thought... they'd... think the prank was funny, it was--he thought it was--but... apparently not. "Er--"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?!" James suddenly shouted causing Remus to reel back.

"Um, I--I didn't think of it until about twenty minutes after the game started," Remus whispered, fingers twisting into his sweatshirt. He tugged at the collar a bit then pulled it up to cover his mouth, wanting to disappear into the fabric. If he was going to be mad about that, then that was stupid. James and Sirius did loads of things without telling him or Pete!

But then, "We could have HELPED you! Done more than just the--the entrance hall! It's such an incredible prank! Gah! I'm torn between being proud of you and being annoyed I wasn't part of it!" James ranted, tugging at his hair which made him look quite wild. Remus let out a little sigh of relief. He _wasn't_ angry. That was good.

"You should have done the pathways and the main steps," Sirius said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Everyone would be bouncing down the hills."

"Oooh, next time we should try to put up some--ummm--you know." James flailed his hands. "Spiderweb stuff. Like, sticky stuff that people bounce into and get stuck on the walls."

Sirius gave a shout, jumping off his bed so quickly he got tangled and crashed into the floor. He swore, scrambling to his feet. "Feast--end of year feast--"

James's eyes went huge behind his glasses. "Siri! Yes!" They high fived each other.

"Are you wanting to ruin the end of year feast?" Peter asked, mouth a round 'O'.

Both boys shrugged. "Maybe. Or we could enchant outside the Great Hall so when everyone leaves that's when it happens," Sirius suggested.

"That's a great idea," Remus said with frown. "After everyone fills up their stomachs, send them careening around."

"EWWWWWWW!" James laughed, on his back now, kicking his feet. "Vomit everywhere." Peter made a sort of 'urrrup' sound looking like he might throw up at the thought. "But man, that whole... bouncing thing... in the hall..." Suddenly James wrapped his arms around Remus, yanking him to his feet, hugging him, _spinning_ him in a circle his feet completely off the ground. "You're such a genius, Remy!" He set Remus down and put his hands on either side of Remus's face sending him into inside agony. He wanted to _scream_ and push James away. "Absolutely brilliant. Total prank! Brains." He pat Remus's cheek then thank Merlin let go.

Remus fell back, trying to focus on breathing. The hug, the hands on his face. It had been too much.

"All right, lads, we have five weeks till the end of year feast, we have a _lot_ of preparations to do." James began pacing back and forth, ticking things off his fingers as he spoke. "We need to plan out how large of an area we're going to... to... ummm..."

"Spongify," Remus said softly, still trying to fight off the panic. "Th--that's the--the-the spell."

James didn't notice his sudden stutter but Sirius did, shooting him a worried look.

"How large of an area to spongify," James continued. Peter grabbed a pad of paper to start writing down notes. "We need to figure out a spiderweb spell. I don't know if the ones the teachers put up at Halloween were sticky or not but we can probably put sticking spells on them, Siri you're good at that."

Sirius gave a salute though he was still continually glancing anxiously at Remus.

"Need to figure out what's best. In_side_ the Great Hall or out. I'd feel bad ruining the feast plus it might be more difficult to pull _that_ off, the teachers might realize before anyone comes in and get rid of everything. Since we can't do _timing_ spells yet. Though, I also agree with Remus having it after does run the risk of a lot of sick. We need a name."

"Name?" Peter asked.

"Yes. Like, you know, Operation... Bounce... Something, I dunno, we can figure out a name later," James said, shaking his head. He opened his mouth to say more however the door swung open as Spinnet and Struthers came in, both of them quite grumpy from the bouncing entrance hall. They were complaining loudly--Spinnet making it clear he suspected the Marauders of pulling the prank. James pointed out they had been at the game to which Spinnet grunted, obviously not quite believing him.

Then the Marauders left to find somewhere more private where they could continue their plan which mostly turned into Remus putting the spell on the floor and the four of them bouncing around, laughing loudly even when they crashed into one another (Remus tried to avoid knocking into his friends but it didn't work and he gave up trying; it wasn't as bad as hugging anyway). After several painful wrecks into the walls of the small hidden room Remus spongified the walls and they _really_ went bouncing after that, having a total blast.


	85. Chapter Eighty-Four - Raw Meat For Werewolves

Now that Quidditch season was over it was time to crack down on studying. Exams were only two weeks away for the first years and even the other Marauders reluctantly agreed they needed to start actually reading their text books and practicing spells. Remus helped them as much as he could though grew quite irked when they began calling him Professor Lupin. Of course he was quite unaware of how teacher-y his voice got whenever he lectured them.

"I think it's cute," Lily said on Monday evening as they walked to the library and he finished grumbling about his friends. "Professor Lupin."

His cheeks burned. "S'not _cute_."

"It is, especially since you're so much smaller than all of them and they just sat around you in a semi-circle like little kids in the common room earlier!" Lily giggled a bit.

"I'm not _small_!" he protested. "I'm perfectly average." Lily stopped in her tracks, raising her eyebrows at him. "Okay f--fine. I am... a little below average." Her eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline. He folded his arms, glaring. "All right, all right, I'm small! Happy?"

"Immensely."

They began walking again. "Personally I think everyone's just unnaturally _tall_." He glanced over at her. He hadn't really noticed before she had grown quite a bit since the first years' Quidditch game several months ago, the time he had taken note of her height. He knew he had gotten at least a _little_ bit taller judging by the state of some of his clothes. Most were still too baggy however a few pairs of trousers had a tiny bit of a gap at the cuffs.

Lily just grinned. "Whatever you say, Professor Lupin."

*

When Remus returned to his dorm that night the second he stepped in he fell. Or rather, bounced a bit until he ended up on his butt. The other Marauders were bouncing about, shooting spells at each other as they tumbled through the air. Remus stuck close to the wall, remembering what they said Peter had done. He knew he would regret teaching them the spell however they'd be learning it anyway. "If Spinnet comes in, he'll assume you did it Saturday," Remus pointed out, edging his way towards his bed. None of the furniture had been enchanted so he used that to maneuver through the room until he got to his own bed, sitting cross-legged in the center.

Sirius made his way over, landing roughly on Remus's bed, shaking the entire thing. "Oofah. So? Spinnet's a twit, who cares what he thinks. Besides, _everyone_ knows we were at the game so what's he going to do? Tell McGonsie?"

"I wasn't at the game," Remus pointed out.

"Yes, but you're the most innocent one out of all of us." Sirius flashed a smile. "McGonsie would never believe _you_ did such a thing."

Remus wasn't so sure about that. He had been in the least trouble out of all four of them however he doubted McGonagall would just assume his innocence. "I'm friends with you lot, she'd figure out I did it."

"Guilt by friendship?" Sirius asked with a laugh.

Remus grinned back. "Guilt by association _is_ a thing people ascribe to, Sirius."

"Words, Remy; use English please."

"I _am_ using English!" Remus groaned. "What part of that did you _not_ understand?"

Sirius just shrugged. "I understood it, it just sounded nerdy so I want to pretend that I didn't." He winked at Remus who rolled his eyes. "Does this make me a nerd by association?"

Remus glanced at his friend, taking in his noble beauty, then quickly looked away. "I doubt anyone would ever think of _you_ as a nerd."

James fell onto Remus's bed and Peter followed suit, leg smacking against Remus. "Whoops! Sorry," Pete laughed.

"Remy's right," James said breathlessly. "Don't want to raise suspicion, then we'll probably be blamed for Operation BounceIt." He glowered at Sirius. "Which is still the crappiest name ever."

"Hey, we all agreed we'd pick whatever name you pulled from the pile, and you pulled mine," Sirius said, flipping his hair back. "You're just a sore loser. Operation BounceIt is brilliant."

James got rid of the spongify spell on the floor then Peter went to his desk to get a box of Every Flavor Beans for them to eat while they talked, still on Remus's bed for some reason. They each reached into the box, blindly pulling one then guessing what they got. Remus's was sort of yellowy-white. "Rotten egg," he said immediately.

"No, that's pee," Sirius said. "Pee on toilet paper."

Remus began gagging before he even put the bean in his mouth. "You're so disgusting."

"Petey, mate, that's definitely unicorn vomit," Sirius said gravely.

Peter looked at the pink and red bean. "N... no it's strawberry."

"Unicorn vomit."

"Strawberry!"

"Eat it, then."

Peter just looked at it again then shook his head. "You _are_ disgusting."

"You're a wimp, you're both wimps," Sirius said then turned to James who cocked his head. "That is, without a doubt, the slime from a Slytherin bathroom."

James studied the pale green bean. "I wasn't going to let you get to me but _man_ that's a rancid thought."

Sirius popped his bean in his mouth then threw his arms up in victory before gagging loudly. "Merlin!" he moaned, tears coming to his eyes. "I think that was horseradish." But he swallowed it anyway, just to prove he could.

James ate his, nose crinkling up. "I think it's some sort of... maybe leaves? Or grass? It's really earthy and _gross_."

"Yeah, mine's rotten egg," Remus said, forcing it down his throat. "Urgh."

Peter was beaming as he chewed his. "I was right. It _is_ strawberry. All right so since Remy's back let's study again."

"We were studying," James said, digging another bean out. "We were practicing spells." He squinted at the pink color. "Maybe this is the unicorn vomit." He chewed it thoughtfully then spat it out in his hand. "Nope. Some kind of fish."

Remus picked the box up curiously. "Is there even a unicorn vomit flavored one?"

"There _should_ be," Sirius said, pulling a black and white bean out. "I'm going to write to Bertie suggesting it. They should do a line around magical creatures. Unicorn vomit. Merfolk poop. Ooh, blood and garlic mixed flavor for vampires!"

"There's already a blood one," Peter said.

Sirius popped his bean in his mouth, ignoring Peter. "Raw meat for werewolves." He was looking at Remus when he said that. Right at Remus. A horrible icicle speared through his body and his skin began crawling. Time seemed to slow down for Remus. Blood pounded in his head and he began to grow dizzy. _He just said... he looked at me and said_... He did his best to keep his breathing steady, time returning to normal as Sirius continued with, "Fire for ashwinders. I think this is newspaper flavored."

_Okay it was just... he didn't mean it_, Remus thought as he picked apart another bean, smelling a trace of something rather insect-y. He took a nibble then spit it out. "Earthworm, I th--think." His heart was still racing, still felt Sirius's eyes on him as he said _werewolves_. Sirius looked at all of them though so--he hadn't really meant anything by it, right? _Coincidence. A terrible, awful coincidence_. After all Sirius was still sitting next to him, his knee just bumping against Remus's knee. _As always, if he knew he wouldn't be like this with me, he wouldn't be so close._ He calmed down mostly, though continued to feel a little uneasy.

He tested it out by adjusting his position, his leg flush against Sirius's leg. Sirius didn't react or say anything, he definitely didn't pull away from the contact. _There, see? He definitely doesn't know_. Though for some reason Sirius's heart was going a little faster now, not quite at the frantic rate Remus's had been a moment before but it was still kinda weird.

"Oh--Merlin--no--that one was vomit!" James cried out, spitting the bean onto Remus's bedspread, ignoring Remus's protests.

"How come Pete's the only one getting the good ones?" Sirius demanded as Peter had triumphantly announced he had gotten a banana-and-peanut-butter one. "Cheater. You are SUCH a cheater!"

"No, I'm just good at picking yummy beans."

"Eat another one then."

Peter pulled out a white bean.

"Onions," Sirius said.

"Cauliflower," James suggested.

"Toilet paper," Remus decided.

Peter ate it, face scrunched up, then began smiling. "Nope! Vanilla ice cream."

He shrieked as all three of them pounded him with pillows.

*

_Raw meat for werewolves_. Remus rolled over in his bed, pulling his pillow over his head. _Raw meat for werewolves_ with those silver eyes piercing into him. _No_, he thought miserably, _it was a coincidence that's all, completely a coincidence. He mentioned other monster. Other creatures. Unicorn, vampire. He was looking at Pete when he said unicorn vomit, he's not accusing Pete of being a unicorn, so it's not like he said that _to_ me._

Once he finally got to sleep he had nightmares, waking up with cries of fear. Not screams, at least, however his voice still woke Sirius up. _No, no, no_! he thought as Sirius came over, came into the bed, asking if he was okay.

"Y--yeah, I'll b-be fine." He gave Sirius a shaky smile. "I d-don't even remember what it was about." _Raw meat for werewolves. Why did you say that? Why did you look at me when you said that_? He brushed his hair from his eyes, shifting a little closer to Sirius to once again reassure himself Sirius didn't know.

Sirius actually leaned in closer, putting a hand on his shoulder. "If you ever need to talk about anything, I don't mind," he said gently. "If you don't want anyone else knowing what your nightmares are about I won't tell anyone. I can keep a secret."

Remus's heart seized up. "I r--really don't remember," he lied. _He's touching my shoulder, so he doesn't know_. _Why did you look at me when you said werewolves_? He wanted to demand answers, shake Sirius until he admitted whether he knew anything or not. "I'm okay, I'm feeling a--a little better now."

"Okay. G'nite, then, and if you need anything--"

"Yes, th--thank you."

Sirius left Remus's bed and Remus curled up, clutching at his hair, feeling terrified. He had Occlumency in the evening so Fawley would be seeing all this, she might have better insight on the whole thing. _Raw meat for werewolves_. Remus twisted his body into as small as ball as possible, wishing once more he had Gwyllgi with him.

*

He felt like someone had put a jelly _brains_ curse on him as he shuffled his way through Tuesday. He decided that he'd just show Fawley the memory before they started practicing, to see for sure what she thought of it. However when he went into the fourth floor room she wanted to talk to him first about something.

"I heard about a rather spectacular prank on Saturday," she said after he settled down. "Someone--or some_ones_\--spongified the entire entrance hall?" She had an amused smile on her face. "Who could have done that?"

Remus smiled faintly, pulling his feet up onto the couch. "Not my friends," he said, watching her expression change to surprise. "They were at the--the Quidditch game. So... it was j-just me."

She began laughing. "Just you?"

"Yes." He explained to her that it hadn't even occurred to him to do something until after the game started, mentioning what his friends had told him about the results. Then he went on to tell her about Operation BounceIt since she'd see anyway, admitting they weren't sure whether to do it _at_ the feast or after. "We'll probably do after."

"That sounds like a good idea," she agreed. "I always really enjoyed the end of the year feasts, except my last one. I cried at my last one." She ran her fingers through her hair. "It was quite emotional. Now, shall we begin?"

"Actually..." He chewed nervously at his lip. "I needed t-to talk to you about something. Um, something that happened last night. M--might be easier if I showed you."

Fawley put her hands on his head as he dredged up the short memory. Watching it again he thought it was coincidence. He _had_ been looking right at Peter when he mentioned the unicorns and merfolk, then right at James for the vampire one. He said this after she came out of his head, then explained to her that he had tested Sirius by being close to him, touching him, and Sirius hadn't even batted an eyelash.

Fawley nodded solemnly, brow furrowed as she thought. "It is... a strange coincidence. However, I am inclined to agree with you. If he did know it would be strange that he did not mind physical contact, his family is the sort to really push the savage beast image. I admit after I found out about my sister it took me a while to feel comfortable enough to touch her." She gave a rather distant sort of sad sigh. "Thank Merlin I got over that, however I believe you're right. He probably doesn't know. However, he might suspect. Perhaps he said that to sort of provoke a reaction from you?"

"I'm th-thinking about... asking th-them what they... th-think..."

"What?"

Remus shrank back a little pulling the collar of his vest up around his mouth. "Not just werewolves. S--sort of a general werewolf, v--vampire, other things like that. Make it sound like I'm looking into st--stuff for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Or History." He had seen in his book that either Thursday or Tuesday of next week they'd be going over the Werewolf Code of Conduct. His stomach churned thinking about that. At least Binns didn't know he was a werewolf. "Maybe History. I'll--I'll talk about the code of c--conduct maybe."

"Are you all right?"

Remus couldn't help but snort. "Sirius keeps asking me that like, almost every day. No, I'm n--not. I don't think I am." He surprised himself by saying that, then even more by saying, "I'm scared."

"Of what Black said?"

"Yes," he whispered, pulling the collar up even more. "I'm scared he _does_ suspect. I'm scared of losing them as friends, if he does I'll have to cut them out of my life." For some reason he thought about when he had been burnt and washed away his dead flesh. He imagined washing away the Marauders and it made him want to cry. His nose began itching. "I care about them. More--more than I sh-should."

"I told you--"

"I know," he choked out, turning away from her, glad she couldn't see the tears welling up though he knew perfectly well she could hear it. "I'm stupid. I--... I don't know. I'm p-probably overreacting, I t-tend to do that. Overthink things. Maybe he doesn't suspect."

Fawley gave a slow nod. "Maybe. Perhaps he doesn't at all."

It sounded very false to both of them and Remus pressed his hands against his face. _He suspects_, he knew in his heart that Sirius suspected. "If he--even if he suspects wh--why would he t--touch me? He p-put his hand on my sh-shoulder l--la-last night!" The two thoughts were at complete odds. Miles apart. He--he truly felt that Sirius suspected but... _why_ would he _touch_ Remus?! Why would he still be pleasant? Smiling, joking, teasing, _touching_!?

Fawley's hand rested on Remus's arm. "I don't know, dear. I really don't know."

Remus edged away from her, curling up against the armrest, clutching his stomach. "I'll... deal with it when we come back in September," he whispered. "I'll end things then. I'll--I'll n--not write to them over the s--summer and--and figure it out--what to say--when we c-come back to school." He saw them standing in front of him as he said he wasn't interested in being friends anymore. That he realized over the summer they simply had nothing in common. He wanted to just focus on school, nothing else, and their dumb pranks were getting in the way of his education.

He felt physically ill thinking the words 'dumb pranks' together.

He felt even worse thinking about cutting them out. But he had to.

"Remus," she said as he began crying softly.

"It's my own fault," he said, trying to gulp air in. "I shouldn't have given in, sh--shouldn't have become friends." _Raw meat for werewolves_, Sirius said, looking directly at Remus. But then, the hand on the shoulder. He clutched at his head, tugging at his hair. "I'm so stupid. My father was r--right--"

"Remus!"

"He w-w-was r---right. Mum's right. Maybe I shouldn't c--come back."

He suspected, he'd find out, he'd tell. Remus couldn't breathe very well as he saw in his head the Ministry coming after him, of Sirius pointing at him with an accusing finger. He let out a choking sob. He had to stop the suspicions somehow.

"Remus Lupin you stop that right now." He sucked in some air, startled a little by the tone in her voice. She looked quite angry. "You deserve to stay in school."

He wasn't so sure about that, sure about anything anymore except his own stupidity.

"Don't let this stop you."

How could he change it? How could he suddenly get Sirius to _stop_ suspecting?! He couldn't say anything! He'd have to do something. But... how did you _do_ something to make someone stop suspecting you're a werewolf especially when you _are_ a werewolf?

"You're an incredibly intelligent young man!"

He couldn't exactly be around during a full moon, so it'd have to be something else. Something for Sirius to _see_ that would abolish all possibility of Remus being a werewolf. Something a werewolf would never do. Or.... touch...?

"Don't you dare just give--"

"I know what I can do." He sat upright suddenly, eyes going wide. "I know how to--to get rid of any suspicion Sirius might have! I n--need your help though, um, I c--can pay you back though. I need something that _looks_ pure silver but _isn't_ at all. I can--like, a necklace or something? I can be like, look at this necklace my mum gave me, it's pure silver--or something, and then it wouldn't burn me but--they'll _think_ it's silver and _see_ it d--doesn't burn me and--then they'd know I'm _not_ a werewolf!" He said all of this a little bit fast, words tumbling out of his mouth.

Fawley grinned from ear to ear. "Now that's more like the Remus I've come to known over the past year. Of course I'll help you."

Remus forced himself to say the next words. "Then when sch--school starts again I'll just... kinda... c--cut them out of my life." Something squeezed his heart, a powerful pain deep in his chest. He did his best to ignore it. "That will work." Maybe he could talk to Dumbledore about splitting up the dorms. Him, Spinnet, and Struthers in one, the Marauders in the other. Spinnet probably wouldn't like sharing with Remus but--maybe that could work. Maybe. That would further push Remus away from the others.

"Do you think you're up for practicing tonight?" she asked.

He wanted to say yes, he _needed_ to. But he knew he couldn't. He felt so completely drained of everything that he wouldn't be able to even try to fight against her intrusion. "No. S--sorry. I... sorry."

"It's fine, I understand. I'll get the 'silver' item to you as soon as possible."

"Thank you so much. I--I can't even begin to thank you for everything." Not even for the necklace but for everything she did for him. Even though she had misconceptions of his father she was such a good, kind person. He hoped he could repay her somehow. He wanted to hug her but wasn't sure if she would be okay with that. "G--goodnight, Miss Fawley."

He left the room, a few more tears dripping down as he thought about what he would have to do when his second year began. He didn't want to hurt them but he had to. For his own safety. He probably should cut things off with Lily too. Stop going to study group. Go back to how he was at the beginning of the school year, just... stay by himself.

No friends.

Nothing.


	86. Chapter Eighty-Five - Dumb Savage

By the time Thursday came Remus felt exhausted. It hadn't even been 48 hours since seeing Fawley however he had been on edge every single second. Every time Sirius spoke to him he felt a buzz of fear going through him. _JUST TELL ME_! he wanted to shout. _WHY DID YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SAID THAT_?!

He tried to be his usual self but all the fear plus the full moon coming up he was just plain exhausted. And going into History on Thursday seeing **1600 - 1699 **with a list of highlights. **1637: Werewolf Code of Conduct **did not help one bit. Remus shifted his gaze downwards as he took his seat. Slowly he took out his parchment, copying down the list. _Werewolf code of conduct_, he spelled out carefully, taking in a rather sharp breath before moving on to the next event. He was still writing when Binns began droning on. He sounded the same when he talked about the Goblin Rebellion of 1612 as he did when he mentioned Olga Sapling had been in 1624, as if both events were equally boring.

"The werewolf code of conduct," Binns said, "was formed in 1637 by the Wizards' Council in hopes to end the attacks the beasts inflicted on magical society. The code of conduct was an agreement the werewolves would sign promising they would lock themselves away during the full moons. This backfired as not a single werewolf signed the agreement. There is great debate over the reasons why. Some say the werewolves did not want to be outed as werewolves because of anti-werewolf feelings, some say they did not want to be outed in order to continue their murder sprees, while others insist it is because werewolves are dumb savages. In 1641 Edmund Flume first opened the doors to what has become the most popular sweets shop in Britain: Honeydukes..."

Remus underlined the words _dumb savages_ with a rather violent jerk of his quill.

After an eternity the bell rang. Binns assigned some homework then drifted through the wall. Remus shoved everything in his bag, barely hearing his friends' chatter around him as they left the classroom. _I need to bring it up somehow_, he thought, chewing the inside of his mouth.

"Could Binns be any more boring?" James complained as they headed towards the Great Hall. "Blimey, a goblin rebellion sounds _interesting_. I'd like to know more about that."

"Then how about you crack open a book for once, Potter?" Lily asked, swinging her bag over her shoulder as she gave him a snooty look. Remus liked Lily but in that moment he despised her for cutting into what would have been a great opportunity to bring up werewolves.

James stuck his finger in his mouth, making loud gagging sounds. "Huuaeeeegggh! I'll just have Remy tell me about it."

Lily stomped her foot. "He's not your personal encyclopedia!"

James just gave her an innocent look in return. "What on earth's an encyclopedia?"

"That's a little bug that has a hundred feet that zip around," Sirius said.

"No, that's a centipede. An encyclopedia is a big monster that only has one eye," Peter said.

James grinned. "No, that's a cyclops. An encyclopedia is a big tunnel of wind that destroys everything."

"No, that's a cyclone," Sirius said. "An en--"

"You lot are absolutely barmy!" Lily snapped, flouncing ahead.

The other Marauders laughed then James apologized to Remus in case they upset him by upsetting Lily. Remus couldn't help but smile. "I'm just impressed you know what centipedes, cyclops, and cyclones are."

"We're not completely stupid, you know!" James protested as he threw an arm across Remus's shoulder. "Only mostly stupid."

The moment to bring it up had gone. Remus knew if he tried it would sound weird so he'd have to wait until later. He'd be able to wiggle it into a conversation somewhere, probably while lecturing them to do their homework. _When I'm not friends with them anymore, will they ever do their homework at all_? he wondered as they walked, James's arm still around him. He knew it wasn't really his problem, but he couldn't help but worry about that.

*

Remus didn't go to study group that night. He doubted they'd discuss the whole code of conduct stuff very much however he just didn't want to deal with it. Not when he felt this on edge. He stretched out in his bed to work on homework while James tossed a ball around, and Sirius and Peter were playing some sort of hand game that just looked like it involved hitting each other's hands. None of them were really talking mostly just listening to music. He needed to mention werewolves. He didn't _want_ to... however... he needed to see Sirius's reactions.

His stomach hurt so bad.

"You guys sh--should be studying," he finally forced himself to say.

"I am," James said. "I'm studying to see if I can use magic wandlessly and silently by stopping the ball mid-air. S'not working though." He cracked a grin, tossing the ball again. "Nope. Better keep trying."

Remus sat up, pulling his History book onto his lap. His heart felt like it would just burst out of his chest with as hard as it was pounding. He was surprised the others couldn't hear it. "Come on, let's do a little bit at least. Binns threw a load of dates at us today. We can go over those."

"Boring!" Sirius said as he smacked Peter's hand.

Remus ignored him, pretending to look at the text in front of him. His vision was almost pulsing with each heartbeat. "What notable event happened in 1612?"

"Someone boring was born," Sirius replied. "Or someone boring died. Or else something boring happened."

"The Appleby Arrows is founded," James said, swinging his legs around to sit up.

"The...? N--no, the Goblin rebellion happened," Remus said.

"_And_ the Appleby Arrows is founded," James repeated. "I'd love to learn the arrow spell." He pointed his wand, closing one eye as he aimed. "Shoot one right up Snape's nose."

"Not much of a difficult target," Sirius laughed then yelped as Peter got a particularly hard smack in on his hand.

Remus took in a deep breath. "What about... 1637?"

"That's when that Timmy Fidget guy made it rain fish for three days straight, right?" Peter asked.

"Tymmelius Finedge and no, that happened in 1645," Remus mumbled. His tongue felt like someone had put a swelling hex on it, and his throat was tight. "1637 is the werewolf code of conduct. Any of you even remember what _that_ is?" He was looking as casually as he could at Sirius who was still smacking hands with Pete.

"Yeah, the werewolf code of conduct states that everyone has to do the Full Moon Howl," James said then jumped up to his feet, standing on his bed. "AWOOOOOOO!"

"Shut up, Jimmy, no one wants to hear you howl," snapped Sirius.

"AWOOOOOO!" James kept howling, ignoring Sirius. "What was the line? About being bitten?"

"Does it matter?" Sirius asked rather stiffly.

"It's a good song--"

"No, it's a crap song." Sirius had been looking at James but he shifted his gaze back to Peter. Remus froze when Sirius's gaze slid past him. On purpose? Or accidental? Had he just imagined it?

James stopped jumping, looking put out. Hurt. "What's got your wand in a knot?"

Sirius pulled his hands away from Peter, folding his arms. "I think it's a dumb song. I don't like it."

"Why?" James demanded.

Remus felt violently sick because he was 100% sure Sirius glanced his way before saying, "I just don't." Except... maybe not 100% certain. 99% for sure. 95%. Maybe. 85%? Okay _had_ Sirius looked his way or was it just his imagination? It could have been his imagination. He felt dizzy trying to think, wishing he could go to Fawley right now and rewatch the memory so he could pay closer attention to Sirius's eyes.

Remus looked down at his book, stomach hurting, chest hurting. Part of him just wanted to shout, _do you know_!?

Sirius finally said. "I guess I'm just in a bad mood tonight."

"What's up, mate?"

Sirius shook his head. "Nothing. I'm going to go get a shower." He gathered his stuff, sweeping out of the dorm room.

Remus clutched his History book to his chest, knowing he had caused this cause of the stupid code thing. He looked at James who had a very injured expression as he climbed down off his bed.

"What's going on with him?" Peter asked, moving closer to James.

"Dunno. Maybe..." James trailed off then shrugged. "Who knows. Except I probably should." He rubbed one of his arms in an anxious manner. "I thought I was his best friend," he mumbled under his breath.

Peter nudged him. "He probably didn't want to say anything cause we're here. Remus and I can go downstairs so you can talk to him when he gets back. Er, if that's okay with you?" he asked Remus.

He shut his book. Getting away from Sirius seemed like the best course of action. "Yes, that's fine."

James smiled. "Thanks guys. I'm just kinda worried about him. I haven't seen him react like this before..."

"We understand," Peter said then grabbed one of his comic books before noticing Remus's intense glare then he guiltily grabbed some of his homework as well. "C'mon, Remy."

They went down to the common room, wishing they had the courage to try and take one of the best couches near the fireplace (even in hot weather with the fire pretty much nonexistent those were still the prime seats). James and Sirius often did but Remus and Peter just settled for some chairs in a little nook area. Remus tried to study, to help Peter, but his mind kept going to Sirius, to all the possible clues. Or, not clues. They could be coincidences. Or just Remus's imagination. He really couldn't say whether or not Sirius _did_ glance his way when saying he didn't like the song.

"Remus? Hellooo?" Peter waved his hand in front of Remus's face, drawing him out of his thoughts.

"Sorry, I've got a lot on my mind," Remus said, realizing his voice was a little bit shaky. Peter frowned. "I'm not feeling too well either, to be completely honest." _Might as well start now since I'll be disappearing tomorrow night_.

"Do you need to go see Pomfrey?"

"No," he said, leaning forward so he could poise his quill over his parchment. "I think I'll be okay. It isn't very bad right now, just a little tired. Plus worried about Sirius."

"Me too. He seemed really weird. Like, I mean, he snapped at James?"

"Yes that is strange." He began writing out the beginning of the essay Binns assigned, mind still drifting. He wanted to ask Peter if Sirius had said anything unusual about him lately. _Kinda wish I could do legilimency_. His gaze drifted over to the stairs. _If I could just look into his head, to know for sure. Without any doubt_. The only way to have no doubt was to ask him which he could never do. _Hopefully my plan of the fake silver helps_...

*

James and Sirius seemed to have made up. They were all smiles when Remus and Peter returned to the dorm late in the evening, though Sirius didn't really explain his behavior to the others. That night Remus had nothing but nightmares of Sirius saying cryptic remarks about werewolves while staring directly at Remus. He woke up a few times (not screaming) then finally morning came. He was super exhausted, especially with a four moon starting that night, hardly able to focus in classes but he didn't want to miss any. He dragged through morning classes then slept through lunch. When Sirius woke him up for Defense, all three of his friends flinched at how horrible Remus looked.

"I'll take you to the hospital wing," Sirius said.

"No... I need to go to class," Remus argued, grabbing his bag.

"No. You _need_ to see the nurse."

Remus swayed a little when he tried to stand up. "You just want to bunk off," he accused as Sirius took hold of his elbow, guiding him out of the Great Hall.

"That's a perk, yeah," Sirius laughed.

"I don't want to--" Remus tried pulling away and nearly fell over. Sirius just grabbed hold of him again. "I can walk on my own."

"Sure." He didn't let go.

They walked in silence for a moment, Remus far too dizzy; he probably _would_ have fallen over if it wasn't for Sirius (which made it all the more infuriating). "Are you doing better?" he finally asked.

"Me?" Sirius asked, eyes widening. "What kind've question is that? I'm fine."

Remus couldn't look at him anymore. "You just seemed upset last night."

"Oh, that. I'm fine. Didn't mean to upset you."

Remus searched for something else to say. They were alone, it'd be a great time to mention werewolves--except probably not since it was a full moon and he'd be disappearing for the entire time. "You didn't up_set_ me," Remus replied, "just worried me a little. You never snap at James like that."

"Yeah, well, he was being irritating," chuckled Sirius. "That stupid song."

"You really hate it that much?"

Sirius stopped walking, staring at Remus. "Don't you?" he asked.

Remus licked his lips, terror pouring through his body as he tried to put some logic into that reply. What did Sirius mean? "Um, why would I hate it?" he finally asked.

"Because you're pretty much the only first year _not_ singing it?" Sirius waved his hand around. "Guess I just sorta thought you didn't like it."

"I--I don't," he admitted as they started walking again. "Then again I'm not a big fan of the group. S--some of their songs are all right, I guess, but... overall they don't really... strike a chord with me." He gave a hopefully somewhat believable grin to Sirius who snorted. "I thought you really liked the group." _Stop pushing the subject, this is bad territory on the day of a full moon_!

"Ehh, I _did_ but that song was just kinda weird. I dunno. It just seems..." He trailed off into silence that lasted way too long for Remus's comfort. "Nasty."

"Nasty?"

"Like, with the vampire song--it was really nice. But this one just... really upped the whole monster thing."

Remus swallowed heavily. "Werewolves _are_ monsters."

Sirius stared at him again in a very... scrutinizing sort of way which made Remus feel even dizzier. His vision started going black around the edges, his skin crawling, itching. The wolf was pacing around inside of him--always close to the surface this time of the month, the smallest of things tipping the scale. He thought he might vomit.

"Merlin, you're looking worse. C'mon." He went faster, practically dragging Remus behind him.

_He knows, he knows, he knows. _Remus glanced at Sirius's hand clamped around his elbow. _He doesn't know, he's still touching me. What did that mean? What in Merlin's name did that look mean?! _He stared at the back of Sirius's head, at his beautiful inky black waves. He wanted to stop, to grab Sirius, shake him, demand an answer. Demand the truth.

_He knows._

_He can't know, he's touching me._

They got the hospital wing where Sirius finally stopped his speedy pace then put his other hand carefully against Remus's back, pushing him ahead. They went into the wing together, Remus's nose itching as he fought back tears. The pendulum inside his head kept going back and forth.

_He knows._

_Then why is he touching me?_

Once he got the fake-silver then he'd be able to tell for sure, and also blow any suspicion out of Sirius's head.

Unfortunately, Sirius hung about for a while. Pomfrey tried to get rid of him but Remus said he didn't care, since he knew Sirius didn't want to go to Defense, even though he really wanted him to go so he didn't have to think about everything right at that moment. Finally he made Sirius read out of the book for a while Remus lay down, listening to his voice until he fell asleep. When he woke up, Sirius was gone. Pomfrey carefully took him out of the school, on the look out for anyone who might be watching them going out into the warm sunshine.

_It's almost June_, he thought as they went across the grounds towards the Whomping Willow. _This time next month I'll be _home_. _At least the next full moon would be after going home so... this would be the last time being in the Hogsmeade house until September. He gave a shudder, thinking about going back into the cellar at home. Ugh.

*

Sunrise came, the wolf shrinking into his small human body. Remus lay still for a few minutes then sat up, rubbing his forehead. His body was fairly unscathed and the wounds on him were mostly shallow except for a really nasty one on his leg. He was able to get up without any trouble, staggering to the bathroom to get cleaned off. He was _very_ surprised he was so... uninjured. With all his fears of Sirius he fully expected there to be loads of gore. Once again he wondered just what being the wolf really meant.

Back at the school he quickly ate down a large breakfast, glad he was feeling well enough to do so. The chocolate drinks were nice but a plate full of bacon, eggs, and toast was _amazing_. Until Pomfrey began talking. Then he just felt sick.

"Your friends tried sneaking in again last night, very late in the night," she said.

Remus set his fork down. "Are they in trouble?"

Pomfrey gave a sigh. "No. Against my better judgement I took them back to their common room and I haven't told Minerva. They seemed really upset about being unable to see you. They may show up today..."

"I--I think they c-can come see me, I'm feeling decent," he replied, beginning to eat again. "I'm sorry th--they caused trouble. I'll talk to them."

They came in just before lunch. Remus woke up, hearing voices just outside his door, sitting up a little bit as the door swung open allowing the Marauders to come in. They were all quiet now, probably expecting him to be asleep. James grinned when he saw Remus sitting up. At least they didn't look as shocked by his sickly state like they had the first time.

Peter set some chocolate in Remus's lap then all three of them sat on the bed with him. "We brought you this," he said in a very soft voice.

"Th--thanks. You don't need to whisper though."

Peter looked embarrassed at that. "Ohh, sorry."

"It's all right." He pushed himself up a little more, trying to adjust the pillow behind him. Sirius practically dove down, pulling it up so he could lean. "Thank you. How was Defense yesterday?"

James and Peter went over what they had learned, James giving him his notes (a little more detailed than Sirius's, less doodles, still not great). Then Remus asked them about the night before, whether or not that they tried. James said it had been Sirius's idea and Sirius just shrugged, saying how worried he had been especially since they didn't know if they'd be able to visit.

"You looked _awful_ when I left yesterday," he said, tilting his head a little bit. "Like, really awful. Worse than usual."

"You _always_ say that," sighed Remus. He unwrapped one of the chocolate bars, breaking it into pieces to share.

"What exactly do you have?" Sirius asked, taking the piece. James and Peter stared at him in shock but Sirius kept his eyes on Remus.

"A--a g-genetic thing, blood," Remus muttered, breaking his own piece of chocolate up into smaller bits, focusing on them to keep himself calm. "I've said."

"Yeah but _what_ exactly? What's the name?"

I--I d-d-don't want to--to t-talk about it."

"Why not?"

"_Sirius_!" James hissed out.

"What?" Sirius furrowed his brow, sticking his chin out. "I'm just curious."

"That's really personal," Peter said. "He doesn't wanna talk about it. He's said so before."

Remus chewed intently, terrified Sirius would keep pursuing the question. After a few seconds Sirius's shoulders sagged a little. "Yeah, you're right. Remy. I shouldn't have asked.

"It's okay," he lied, giving a shaky smile.

They stayed a bit longer, talking about various things, then they left when Remus started looking tired again. After the door shut he could hear furious whispering. James, angry at Sirius for pushing about the illness. Sirius insisting he was just curious and weren't they curious too? James told him yes but it wasn't their business. Sirius replied something about friends telling each other stuff which made Remus feel worse. Then Peter said, "Yeah well friends also don't push friends about personal stuff." Remus smiled, grateful towards Peter for that one. Then the Marauders left so whatever was said after that he couldn't hear.

He put the rest of the chocolate on the bedside table then fell asleep, having nightmares of Sirius shaking him, demanding to know what his illness was, demanding to know if he was really a werewolf or not. He woke up with damp cheeks, hoping that the fake-silver would help because he was _not_ ready to end their friendship...


	87. Chapter Eighty-Six - Overthinking

Finally Tuesday came. Remus was helped back to the school with Pomfrey, collapsing into the hospital bed as soon as he got into the small room. His hand had been pretty torn up so he was given a chocolate drink for breakfast. He managed to get it all down before going to sleep. Four moons _sucked_ so much. It wasn't fair. The moon wasn't technically full! All right, so it was _very_ close to being full but _still_. He wished he knew why. At least he hadn't hurt himself too much this time. Saturday night he had ripped into his side pretty badly and the previous night he had chewed on his paw for some of the night, mangling his right hand completely.

He woke up for lunch then just went back to sleep, still too tired to even think about going to class--then remembered just before drifting off that he didn't _have_ class on Tuesday afternoons anyway. He was still exhausted when he woke up in the afternoon then had to ask Pomfrey for some paper.

_Professor Dumbledore, I don't think I can contact Miss Fawley quickly and I guess you can but I don't think I can attend to my Occlumency lesson tonight. I am very tired. I am also very sorry. Please send her my regards. Remus_.

He asked Pomfrey if she could please get that to Dumbledore as soon as possible, then he fell back asleep.

*

Remus ate dinner in the hospital wing then went to the dorms, hoping that Fawley had gotten the message. He half considered going to the classroom to nap there until Occlumency would start, just to make sure... but that thought exhausted him too much. He went to the dorm, glad that he was coming up here while most everyone was still down in the Great Hall. He curled up in bed, tucking his right hand close to him since it still had some bandages around it. He slept, until the Marauders woke him up coming noisily into the dorm.

"Remus!" Sirius exclaimed.

He sat up as his friends tumbled onto his bed, giving him pats on the shoulder, saying how glad they were he was back, how much better he looked. Remus smiled at all of them, casting surreptitious glances towards Sirius, wondering if he was going to bring anything up. They talked about their classes, shared notes with him, told him the small things he missed, then Peter leaned against Remus saying how happy he was Remus was doing better which warmed Remus up and he gave a very rare purposeful hug. Well, half hug. He put his arm around Peter and kinda squeezed then quickly withdrew his arm.

That was a mistake.

"What happened to your hand?" Sirius grabbed Remus's arm, pulling his bandaged hand close to study it. Remus _had_ kept his hand pretty much hidden until the half hug.

"Oh..." Remus tried to pull his hand away but Sirius had a pretty good grip on his wrist. "I think I hit if off the--the corner of the bedside table. I d--don't really remember."

"How come Pomfrey didn't heal it up?" Peter asked, while James went to get a board game for them to play.

Remus managed to get his hand free, averting his gaze from all his friends. "She... did... b--but the medicine I take for--my other stuff--kinda slows the healing process. That's--th-that's all." Merlin it sounded feeble even to him. He was feeling too distraught to come up with proper lies. Sirius's eyes were narrow slits while Remus felt like he might just pass out from mental anguish right there and then. But before he could, James finished setting up the Hippogriff Flip game so they began playing that instead of talking about Remus's hand. Remus didn't do so well since he was so distracted by Sirius plus he had to use his left hand so that didn't help, though James teased it made him feel better about being left handed.

That night Remus tossed and turned, waking up multiple times, sweaty, shaky, sick. He went to the bathroom twice to vomit, the second time just curling up on the floor, hugging his knees, feeling stupid. At least it didn't seem like Sirius had gone to anyone with his suspicions. He had kept them to himself. And soon they'd be gone, with the fake-silver.

Which, thank _Merlin_, came the next morning. An owl he didn't recognize dropped an envelope in his lap. When he picked it up he could feel something inside. He ripped it open to find a necklace. It looked silver. It looked so much like pure silver that he gave an involuntary shiver before hesitantly taking it out. It was a thin chain and at the end was a small pendant, just an oval. One side had a closed eye the other side had an etching of a brain. Remus wanted to laugh at the reference to Occlumency, assuming that's what it was.

He glanced up, hoping his friends were looking at him. They were. "I can't believe my mum sent this to me," he said, slipping the chain over his head.

"What is it?" James asked.

"A Muggle necklace, but--she always called it her g-good luck charm. She sent it for the exams. It's not magicked though. But it's really n-nice." He cupped the oval in his hand, wrapping his fingers around it. "It's pure silver so--so she says it's extra lucky."

"Oh, that's neat!" Peter said.

Sirius was now staring at the necklace. "Pure silver?"

Remus looked up at him, forcing a smile to remain on his face. The way Sirius said that had to have meant he had had suspicions. It made Remus want to run off and throw up again, or cry, or both. "Yes," he replied, holding it up by the chain. "Isn't it cool?"

"What's that symbol mean?" Peter asked, squinting at the closed eye.

"Oh, I don't know." Remus tucked the pendent down into his shirt, making _very_ sure Sirius saw it slide against his neck, as much skin touching it as possible. "I'll have t-to ask her. I guess it's k-kinda dumb for a boy to wear a necklace but... I'm going to wear it through the--the exams." He touched the tiny lump on his vest, immensely grateful for Miss Fawley. He wasn't sure what she would say when he confirmed Sirius had been wondering if Remus was a werewolf but...

Or maybe Sirius _hadn't_ been. Maybe the curious tone in his voice had just been that? Curious that the necklace was silver? And not him suspecting? Was Remus reading too much into it? Like he seemed to always do? He wasn't sure, but if Sirius _had_ been he wouldn't be now. He felt mostly relieved (though still wanted to know, had he suspected?), knowing he owed Fawley a _lot_ for this. He couldn't ask his parents for money to repay her so he'd have to figure out on his own. Maybe he could make her something? Some cookies? This needed more than just cookies. Perhaps his mother could teach him to knit and he could knit her something. Something really soft, with a good texture.

But...

Remus still didn't feel convinced it was enough. He worried about Sirius all through class, thinking that the necklace wasn't enough, having a terrible feeling about... well, everything. During Charms he pulled his necklace out, toying with it between his fingers since he was partnered with Sirius and it would give him a chance to see Remus touching the silver again. He _knew_ he should just let it drop. If he started pressing it would make things worse but...

_But_.

Finally Remus pulled some parchment close, writing out a note. Six words without even thinking about it.

_Sirius, am I a bad_ _person_?

He didn't let himself think about whether it was a good idea cause he knew it wasn't so before he could change his mind he slid it over. Sirius tugged it closer then began writing underneath his message, sliding it back. Remus nervously read the note.

_why would you even think that? - SB_

_That's not a yes or a no._

_merlin your a great person who said you werent? ill hex them - SB_

_All right then you have to hex me._

_wat? why would you even THINK this about youself? - SB_

Remus stared at the parchment for a moment, telling himself not to do this, not to do this, big mistake.

_You don't think I'm evil or anything?_

Sirius didn't write back a reply. Instead he raised his hand. "Professor, I need to go to the bathroom," he said then without waiting for Flitwick's permission he grabbed Remus and dragged him out of the classroom. As soon as the door shut behind them, Sirius pushed Remus against the wall. "What the _bloody_ hell is going on?!"

Remus looked down at the ground, heart swooping around, skin starting to feel kinda scrape-y. "N--nothing."

"_Something_. Merlin. Merlin." Sirius raked his fingers angrily through his hair. "Remus, you're like... the least evil person I _know_. You're a _good_ person. Is--is this because of Operation BounceIt? Cause that's funny, not evil. Or is it something else?"

Remus pressed himself harder against the wall, the darkness seeping out as absolute happiness seized him. 'Least evil person'. Merlin. Now that was evidence there. More than anything else. _He doesn't suspect_, he thought, trying not to smile. _He never suspected._ No one would ever call a werewolf the 'least evil person' or a 'good person'. Ever. A twelve year old suspecting for a couple months definitely wouldn't ever even consider a werewolf to be good. Especially one from a pureblood family, raised on the savage monster tales. A pureblood family that has a werewolf executed once. And--the way Sirius said it, Remus _knew_ he was telling the truth. He was honest saying he saw Remus as good. Which meant, not a werewolf.

He practically wanted to hug Sirius. _He doesn't suspect_!

"Just, thinking about things," Remus said, trying to scramble for a good lie. "Not j--just BounceIt. I guess I worry sometimes I c--come across as mean. When I... I say things..."

"Like _what_? You're not. You don't. You can be _sassy_ but that's not evil." Then Sirius's forehead got all wrinkled. "Did... _we_ make you feel this way?"

"No. You guys didn't do anything. It's just me. I guess I'm feeling so anxious over the exams I'm rather agitated." He realized when he said that that he was plucking at the sleeve of his robes. Which really reinforced his statement.

"Well, you're dumb," Sirius said with a smile. Remus smiled back. "You are a good person though, okay?"

"Yeah... Okay. Thank you... Sorry, I--"

"It's fine. I think you just... get really stressy easily." Sirius put an arm around him pulling him towards the door. "You should relax."

"I'll relax after the exams."

Sirius let out a puff of air and conked his fist against Remus's head gently. "Total _idiot_. Come on."

They went back into the classroom, well aware everyone was giving them curious looks (especially James and Peter). But Remus felt too happy to care. _He didn't know, he didn't suspect, he never suspected_. He had been overreacting, seeing too much into the smallest of things. A glance here, a coincidental comment there--that wasn't _evidence_. Ugh, he _had_ been a total idiot! Oh well. At least things were okay now, and everything could go back to normal.

When they sat back down Remus went back to toying with the necklace again, thinking it was good that he got it anyway just in case he needed to use it someday.

*

Remus felt on cloud nine the rest of the day. Even when Sirius talked to the other Marauders about what happened and James and Peter both got super concerned, he didn't care. James even offered to cancel Operation BounceIt but Remus promised he was on board for that, he thought it'd be hilarious.

"Okay can we cancel it then choose to do it again but because we've canceled it we need a new name for it?" James asked, skipping away as Sirius tried to kick him.

Even Lily noticed how cheerful he seemed during study group, remarking on it afterwards. "It's good. You've seemed rather down lately."

Remus had a huge smile plastered across his face, probably looking like an idiot. He just couldn't stop. "I am feeling pretty good," he replied, hugging his bag of books to his chest. "I'm very stressed out about the exams however... I don't know, I'm just in a very good mood today."

"I am _so_ stressed out!" Lily moaned. "I know we worked ourselves up about the others--the minor ones... but these are the _big_ ones so I'm really worried. What if I fail?"

"You won't," he replied, stepping closer to her so he could lightly bump against her. "You're brilliant. You're going to get Os in _all_ the classes."

"Not _all_," she sighed. "I'm not so good in a couple of them." He gave her a surprised look since as far as he knew she already did. "History... can be difficult for me," she admitted. "I've never been great at memorizing those sorts of details. And some of my written stuff isn't great in other classes."

Remus pulled his bag over his shoulder. "I thought you got Os in everything."

Lily shook her head sadly. "No. Not quite. Not like you."

"I don't get Os in Potions, or Defense," he said.

Now _that_ surprised Lily. "You don't? In Defense? What? But--I've seen some of your essays, you're really good with that."

Remus looked down at his shoes, regretting ever bringing it up. "I suppose I panic during the tests or som--something I don't know."

She gave him a sideways glance. "Plus it seems like Professor Dedenne doesn't really like you."

"Wh--what do you mean b-by that?" he asked, stiffening quite a bit.

"It's rather obvious in class, Remus. What grades _do_ you get?"

He was watching his shoes again. "I d-don't really w-wanna talk about it."

Lily bumped against him. "That's all right."

Remus thought about the bet he had made with James earlier, about Dedenne leaving. He doubted that the position was _cursed_. Just because there was a bout of bad luck over the past few years didn't mean anything. _His_ bad luck probably overruled that, and Dedenne would be there his entire time at Hogwarts. _That_ would be _his_ luck.

*

On Thursday after Potions (total disaster, they didn't have partners so Remus's potion was this super thin liquid that ate through the spoon that Slughorn had tried using to scoop it up. Slughorn congratulated him on making extreme acid then made it disappear; of course the Marauders wanted to know exactly how Remus made the acid which he said he couldn't remember) James wanted Remus to try to find a good spiderweb spell but Remus begged his friends to put that off until after the exams, pointing out they'd have plenty of time after the exams to do all the research they needed plus practice. James thankfully relented. Then the four of them went out to Fort Dragon so they could work on it while Remus studied.

Lectured, whatever.

He sat on the dragon rock, reading out from the Astronomy book while they worked, knowing they weren't really paying attention. They built up the crudely made walls, Sirius sticking them together as best he could.

"Some day in the future we'll be able to transform them into proper walls," Remus noted, stretching his legs out.

"A _real_ secret clubhouse," said James with a nod.

"Siri--you can make a banner with a dragon on it!" Peter exclaimed.

Sirius brushed some sweaty hair from his face. "I could do a skull and bones like pirates, only a _dragon_ skull instead."

"_Yes_!" laughed James. "Perfect."

Remus ran his finger across the photograph of the moons orbiting around Mars. "You guys nervous about the exams?"

"Nope," Sirius said.

"Course not," James said.

"Y--yeah," mumbled Peter. Remus gave him an encouraging smile.

"What are the names of Mars's moons?" he asked.

Sirius flicked a pebble at Remus. "Is one of them called 'Nerd'?"

Remus rolled his eyes, flicking a pebble back at him. "_No_. Come on, Sirius, _you_ should be good at Astronomy."

"Cause of my name?" Sirius snorted loudly. "I mean, I could _definitely_ tell you stuff about mine, and Regulus's star. _I'm_ the brightest star in the sky!" He flung his arms out proudly. "I'm part of Canis Major, called the Dog Star, _annnnnd!"_ He spun around in a circle then winked. "I'm bigger than the sun."

James wiped some sweat from his forehead. "My name means 'supplanter'."

"I've no idea what mine means," sighed Peter.

"Mine's from a Roman legend," said Remus as he closed his astronomy book and looked up at the sky. Or rather, the very few flashes of blue through the vivid green leaves. "Remus was killed by his brother Romulus, who founded Rome." He couldn't help but grin. "Good thing I wasn't a twin, huh?" he asked which made his friends all laugh. He did _not_ tell them other parts of the legend which included the fact the twins had been raised by a wolf. It did make him wonder why his parents chose the name. Remus Lupin. They practically named him Wolfie McWolf.

Normally thinking about his name would get to him however today it didn't. He still felt super happy. It was like ever since Sirius said that the previous day--about him not being bad (therefore not a werewolf)--he couldn't stop feeling _good_. Like a great weight had been lifted off of him--which it had been, really. He lay back, closing his eyes, enjoying the warmth. He wound up falling asleep, waking up when Peter shook him gently, stating it was time for supper.

Remus slithered off the rock, appreciating how much work the Marauders had put into the fort. It was coming along pretty nicely. Hopefully it lasted over the summer. He yawned loudly, feeling super sleepy still, stumbling along until James stopped and offered him a piggyback ride. Remus refused at first but after he tripped a couple more times he relented, climbing onto James's back. He was in such a good mood that it didn't even trigger any anguish over the contact. His arms around James's neck, his body against James's back, James's hands around his legs. It felt fine. He didn't want to rip himself apart because someone else was touching him. He wished he could feel this way all the time, be able to do this whenever.

He looked down at James's messy hair then over at Sirius and Peter. They were all joking, teasing each other. Just for this moment it was like the day they became the Marauders: a blissful day he'd remember forever. The first day of June. His friends laughter, the hot sun, James carrying him, the feeling of absolute joy, the feeling of being touched without the terror, the feeling of knowing his friends didn't suspect. He knew he'd still have to be careful but this one time he actually felt _free_.

He felt like a normal boy.

It was _perfect_.


	88. Chapter Eighty-Seven - Exams

After Defense on Friday, Remus disappeared into his books. He sat on the floor of the dorm with books everywhere as he went over notes, took new notes, clutched at his hair, and wondered if it would be easier to just become a feral wolf in the forest. His friends tried to convince him he'd do fine but after Remus glared at James with practically full on wolf angry eyes they decided it'd be better to leave him be.

At Study Group everyone was present, and everyone minus Silverlocke was stressed out. It was as if suddenly everyone realized this was _it_, the last weekend before exams. The exams that would determine whether or not they'd progress on to the second year. Deep down everyone _knew_ they'd at least do decently well enough to pass but there was always that fear. Plus this sort of set the bar for the rest of their time at Hogwarts. After everyone returned to their common rooms Remus and Lily stayed up. They weren't the only ones: the common room was full of students studying.

Lily had made cards with various questions on them and they divided them up, shooting the questions at each other. They went through all the various subjects, going from Transfiguration to History to Potions rapidly.

"Who discovered the magical properties of moondew?" Lily asked.

"Cliodna," Remus replied immediately. "What did Hengist of Woodcroft do?"

"He's the one that founded Hogsmeade?" Remus nodded and Lily smiled, taking another card. "What is origanum dictamnus and what is its main use?"

Remus's eyes flickered to the ceiling as he thought. "That would be..." Crap, what was it? "Erm... oh!" He jabbed his finger in the air. "It's dittany, and healing. Name the five main stars of the constellation cassiopeia?"

"Alpha and beta," she said, rubbing her forehead. "Ummm... beta... delta... gamma... um..." She began flapping her hand as she tried to kick her brain into gear. "Epsilon!" she practically shouted, snapping her fingers. "What is Levina Monkstanley known for?"

Remus bent forward, trying to pull the name out of the depths of his memory. "Um. Um." He pressed his fingertips against his temple, closing his eyes. "Levina Monkstanley... shoot... she... did something with charms..." He took in a deep breath, beginning to smack his head, trying to shake loose the answer, feeling a tremor of panic. What if this was the most important question on one of the exams? And he couldn't remember? And failed? And then when he tried to come back his mother said 'look at this terrible grade it's pointless to go back'? The panic made it harder to remember. "Um... L--Lumos?"

"Yes." He breathed a sigh of relief, slumping down. "Remus... are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said, plucking another card from the pile. "What--"

"You started looking rather ill just a moment ago," Lily interrupted him.

He gave her a rather exasperated look. "I mean, I want to pass everything."

Lily toyed with the card in her hand. "Yeah, that's true. Sorry, I just don't want you pushing yourself. You were just in the hospital earlier this week. I got worried when you looked--well, not... very good."

"I'm fine," he promised, brushing his fringe back. "If it gets to be too much I'll lay down."

Lily smiled. "All right, then. Go on, ask me the next question."

That night Remus stayed up as late as he possibly could, doing just what he said he wouldn't, stuffing his face with chocolate in hopes it would help keep him up. He wound up passing out at around four in the morning, waking up way later than he wanted. He grumbled at himself, quickly went to the bathroom, then just climbed back into bed to resume studying, completely losing track of time until the other Marauders came in, rather concerned since he hadn't shown up for lunch.

"I didn't even notice the time," he said, rubbing his eyes.

"You missed breakfast too," James said.

Peter put a plate down. "I brought you something to eat though."

Remus smiled. "Thanks, Pete." He ate the sandwich pretty quickly as he was a lot hungrier than he realized.

James flopped down next to him. "You wanna come outside? We're going to go work on Fort Dragon some more."

"No thank you."

"You can study there," Sirius said. "You can quiz us. We can quiz you. Some sunshine will do you good."

"I was just outside yesterday for Herbology," Remus pointed out. "And we spent two hours at Fort Dragon on Thursday. Look, um, exams and all--just, let me study this weekend? Maybe?"

They all exchanged looks then relented, leaving the dorm while Remus went back to studying. He did manage to remember supper, nearly going down still in his pajamas. He got to the steps then realized, hurrying back to his dorm glad nobody saw him. He quickly threw on some clothes, filled his bag with everything he'd need, then went down to the Great Hall. He didn't see his friends anywhere--the Marauders, at least. So he sat with Lily. At least she looked as frazzled as he felt.

"Um, Lupin?" Inkwood leaned forward to look past Lily. "Your shirt's on backwards."

He changed it on the way to the library. He and Lily got there very early but Silverlocke was already there. He looked as cool and collected as always, as if nerves weren't getting to him... which they might not be. Maybe he wasn't feeling very distressed about the upcoming exams. Actually, Remus couldn't remember any time Silverlocke said he was worried or anxious. Remus felt a little jealous though supposed Silverlocke could just be panicking on the inside and was good at hiding it. Which just made Remus jealous again.

*

Sunday--the last day before the exams--was spent in his dorm. It was super rainy so the Marauders stayed in too, causing a lot of ruckus. Well, James and Sirius caused a lot of ruckus; Peter sat with Remus trying to do some last minute cramming. Sirius spongified the floor so he and James started bouncing around, crashing into things while Peter used the cards to quiz Remus which he hoped would also help Peter absorb some of the knowledge.

"I can't wait till this week is over and we get Remus back," Sirius said loudly as he stood in front of Spinnet's bed, rubbing his chin as he clearly was working out a plan. Remus rolled his eyes, not saying anything in response. "Think if I put something smelly on top of his bed--the canopy--how long till he figures it out?"

"Depends on how smelly," laughed James. "Do it."

"I wish we weren't in the same dorm though. Otherwise I'd put some fish up there but I don't want to be smelling that till he figures it out." Sirius bounced away from Spinnet's bed, crashing on to Remus's bed, against Peter, sending the cards everywhere. "Whooops! Sorry!"

Remus slid off his bed, picking up the cards. James came over to help, picking up a few cards, looking at them. "Which spell is commonly used as a cry for help?" he read with a crinkled nose.

"Vermillious," Remus replied automatically.

"Is this even going to be on the exams?" James waved the card about while using his other hand to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose in an irritated manner.

"Might be," Remus replied, having to reach under his bed for a couple of the remaining cards. "I haven't the faintest what will be covered and what won't be. I'm merely acting on the assumption that there's a chance for anything we've learned this year to be on the exams." Getting out from under the bed was awkward since the floor was spongy. Finally he got up, accepting the stack of cards James had gotten.

"Wha' ubou' e pagigal du?" Sirius asked.

Remus spun around, nearly falling over from the floor. "What?"

Sirius swallowed the large mouthful of candy he had been chewing on. "What about the practical stuff? Are you practicing that?"

"I have been, yes. You lot should be as well."

"Gonna _ace_ the practical stuff," James said, flourishing his wand. "Who cares about the written side?"

"Are you going to be like this every year?" Sirius asked.

Remus got back on his bed, sitting cross-legged as he straightened out the cards, head ducked. Was he being annoying? "I j-just don't know what to expect. I want... everything t-to go well, that's all."

Sirius reached over, taking the cards out of his hand. Remus glared at him, rather furious, but Sirius just smirked. "What is radix ruber and what is its main purpose?"

Remus settled his hands on his knees. "Redroot. It's main purpose is used to maximize the magical properties of a variety of plants, however it cannot be used with certain potion ingredients otherwise it could cause an explosion."

"My kind've plant!" James exclaimed, still bouncing on the floor. "That sounds awesome. How come we haven't learned about it yet?"

"James, we literally learned about redroot last week," Remus said, face palming.

"Oh, well Sprout never said anything about explosions."

Remus stared at him. "We learned about it in _Potions_, and Slughorn most definitely warned us about the explosive properties."

"Oh. Well. Okay. Still." He shrugged then went back to bouncing. "Have we learned anything else that causes explosions? That'd be the best class. All about spells and potions that cause _mayhem_!" He crashed into the wardrobe between Remus and Sirius's bed, knocking a few things Sirius had put on top of wardrobe.

"You don't need spells to cause mayhem," Remus said. James just grinned back.

*

Then it was Monday morning. Remus woke up with a stomachache. He wished he actually got proper nausea so he could blame all the chocolate he had eaten over the weekend however he knew it was nerves. He barely ate any breakfast at all, going over all the Transfiguration facts he could remember since that was their first exam. They didn't have the written exams in the actual Transfiguration classroom, instead _all_ the first years went to a very large classroom on the second floor where they were given special anti-cheat quills and anti-cheat ink. It was very hot in there and as soon as Remus sat down between James and Lily he began sweating. Lily was very nervous, leg jiggling as the students waited. This was definitely different than previous exams. So much worse.

It wasn't Professor McGonagall who led the exams but a nondescript middle-aged wizard who explained how much time they had, how to do the exams, blah-blah-blah. Then he waved his wand, the stacks of paper dividing up and going to each desk. He asked if anyone had any questions then pointed his wand in the air, summoning a smokey sort of clock.

"Begin."

All right, it wasn't that bad at all. Remus breezed through the questions, skipping the ones he couldn't do immediately then going back and doing those. A few questions were pretty difficult but overall he was done by the time the clock had gotten halfway through the time. So he went back and double-checked all his answers, then triple checked, then quadruple checked. Then he set his quill down, casting a glance around the room. James was done with his too, elbow propped up on his desk, chin in his hand as he stared out the window at the clear blue sky. On Remus's other side Lily was bent in close as she carefully wrote. Behind James Peter was frantically writing, pausing occasionally to pull at his hair. Sirius was directly behind Remus so he didn't know what _he_ was doing but he couldn't hear writing so he figured Sirius was done too. Soon Lily set her quill down, catching Remus's eye and giving him a shaky smile. He smiled back then checked over his work one more time.

Peter was still writing when the clock finished.

"I'm failing," he moaned as they left the classroom.

Sirius _immediately_ pulled his robes and vest off, his button-up shirt scrunching up showing some of his bare back. "That was _boring_!" he complained.

"How'd it go for you, Remus?" James asked, also stripping his robes and vest off, his glasses crooked.

"I hope I did well," Remus replied, taking his robes off but keeping his vest on. He was hot, but it felt weird not wearing the vest. "I had some difficulty with the differences between calculations for amphibians and reptiles however overall I think I did decently."

Sirius snorted, throwing his arm across Remus's shoulder. "You are such a nerd. And Petey, you didn't fail. You might not be getting an O but I _highly_ doubt you failed."

"I totally failed," Peter argued. "D'you know what I put when it asked to list five spells using 'fors'?" He stopped in his tracks. "I wrote that it was a trick question cause we haven't learned how to transfigure stuff into more than one thing at once!" He went very green as the other Marauders stared at him in confusion. "I thought they meant the NUMBER FOUR!"

James and Sirius both bust up laughing while Remus covered his mouth to stop himself from following suit. "Ohhh, Petey!" James hugged him tightly then messed up his hair. "Poor Pete." He kept his arm around him, pulling him along. "I'm sure you'll do fine. Missing a few questions is no big deal."

Peter shook his head miserably. "I think I missed all of them. I think I blacked out during the test. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what happened."

Sirius let go of Remus to take a few quick steps ahead, spinning around to face them, walking backwards. "On the bright side we've got the rest of the morning free, and then we get to take our _practical_ Defense exams. Let's go to Fort Dragon."

Halfway to the forest Remus shed his vest as well, sighing from the freedom. He ran after his friends (only tripping once) then while the others worked on the fort he stood a little ways apart to practice for Defense. He thought this was pointless, really. He knew no matter what he did Dedenne would give him a failing grade. _Maybe_ an A.

He cast red sparks, green sparks, shield spells, and the knockback jinx until James told him if he kept that up he'd throw Remus into the lake. Remus glared at James then pulled out his book to study silently.

*

Defense Against the Dark Arts went about as well as he expected. They went into the class one by one to be tested, and when Remus did all the spells she had him do Dedenne looked like she was sucking on a lemon. He hoped the written portion would be headed by the same wizard that did Transfiguration so he wouldn't have to deal with Dedenne glaring at him the entire time.

Remus didn't go to study group that night. He wasn't sure if anyone else did either. He just hid himself in his dorms to go over notes, cards, and books.

Tuesday had written Astronomy in the morning, and written Potions in the afternoon. All done in that same way-too-hot classroom. James and Sirius were a bit less energetic after this, opting to laze next to the lake instead of working on Fort Dragon. Peter seemed as disheartened by these exams as did the previous day, angrily chucking rocks into the lake. Remus wanted to talk about the exams but when he tried all three of them complained when he tried.

"What's the point going over what we've already done?" Sirius asked. "You're just making more anxiety for yourself."

Remus scowled at that. "Am _not_," he muttered under his breath, opening his Herbology book to read.

"Three more days until FREEDOM!" James flopped backwards, stretching his arms and legs out. "This is agony."

"Then we'll only have two weeks before it's time to go home," said Peter rather quietly.

Nobody spoke after that, they all sorta just stared at each other. "Two months without you three," sighed Sirius. "Now _that_ is agony."

"Except you'll be visiting," James said. "All of you better come visit. Big Marauder sleepover."

"Definitely!" Peter said.

Sirius and Remus remained silent.

_Two more weeks_, Remus thought as he turned back to his book. Then summer. Then... no more friends. Even though Sirius didn't suspect, Remus knew he couldn't risk it any longer. He sighed, pulling the book up so he could hide his sad face behind the pages. No more Marauders. No more pranks. No more sneaking around.

His nose began itching and he had to clench his teeth to stop from crying.

*

Remus went to Occlumency that night. Fawley had written to him asking if he wanted to since it would be during exams and he replied yes, mostly because he had missed the week before. But he was far too anxious over the exams to focus and the lesson ended in a complete failure. Fawley asked how the necklace trick went, and he told her everything he had found out including the fact Sirius hadn't ever suspected at all.

"Because he said you are a good person?" she asked and Remus nodded. "Ah."

"No one would say that about a werewolf," he pointed out. "Unless they've had t-time. Like you with your s-sister and my parents with me. Right?"

Fawley gave a small shrug. "I suppose. Most people do believe werewolves to be dumb or savage beasts. Especially the Black family. You're probably right in that."

"P...robably?" Remus frowned.

"Well." She smoothed down her skirt, tone a bit higher than normal. "There is a chance he started suspecting a long time ago and has had the time to realize you are _not_ a dumb or savage beast at all."

Remus pulled the necklace out so he could twist it around, run his finger across the etching of the closed eye. His stomach and chest were hurting again. Is that what happened? Could that be a possibility? "I c-can't think of any time where he m--might have been... seeing me in that manner." He tried to think back the entire time they had been friends. He really couldn't remember any particular point where Sirius had randomly _disliked_ him or treated him differently.

"I wouldn't worry about it," Fawley reassured him. "You're probably right. A Black would undoubtedly view a werewolf as a horrible monster, even though that does not describe you at all."

Before he left she wished him good luck with the rest of the exams.

*

Wednesday held practical Charms where they went in one by one to do a variety of spells they had learned over the previous year. Remus panicked at one point because he couldn't remember the wand movement for the mending spell so when he tried to repair the stick it was pretty crooked.

He left the classroom hardly able to breathe. He knew he did pretty well otherwise but he just kept seeing that crooked stick, thinking it would ruin everything. He went to a bathroom to slump in a corner, covering his face, wishing the Marauders wouldn't follow him because he knew they wouldn't understand. He didn't want to tell them, to explain why he was so distressed because he thought they'd laugh at him. They sat around him, wheedling until he finally told them in a hiccuping voice what happened.

James laughed, Sirius snorted, while Peter just seemed upset because he hadn't been able to repair his stick at all.

"At first they sorta held together then the stick just... fell apart." Peter chewed on his bottom lip, twitching a little.

"You're _not_ going to fail," James told him firmly once he finished laughing at Remus. "You'll be in the second year with us, it will be _fine_. I _promise_."

"Th--then why is he all upset about a crooked stick?"

"Because Remus is a little ball of stress and anxiety."

"Hey!" Remus complained, jerking his head up.

James smiled at him. "Well. You _are_. A crooked stick isn't going to give you a P. And a... errr... an un-mended stick isn't gonna keep _you_ held back."

"When I levitated the book I got a little overly excited and the book went shooting across the room and cracked the window," Sirius confessed.

Remus slumped back, biting his fingernails. "Really?"

"Yeah Flitty looked annoyed and I thought he was gonna make me attempt the mending spell on the window but thankfully he didn't." Sirius shrugged then pat Remus's back. "I'm sure you did amazing. You always do."

They had hands on Herbology exams before lunch, all of them getting absolutely filthy from grubbing around in pots full of dirt and fertilizer, soaked in sweat to boot. The Marauders went to get a shower, missing half of lunch, then having to run to do the written part of their Defense exams which thank MERLIN was headed by the nondescript wizard so a lot of the fear Remus had was lifted and he felt like he got through the questions pretty easily, though he doubted he'd get a good grade. It depended on if Dedenne was marking them.

That night they had their practical Astronomy exam in the nice, cool night air; it was the only one any of them felt somewhat comfortable doing. Even Peter felt pretty confident after, saying he actually remembered a lot of the star names and locations.

Thursday morning held the second part of Transfiguration, then the afternoon was the worst one for Remus. Potions. It was quite hot in the dungeons--not as hot as the second floor classroom but still hot enough with all the fires going. They were making a forgetfulness potion and half the ingredients smelled awful so Remus totally mucked up the potion. He tried his best but it definitely didn't help that his nerves got the better of him and he spent ten minutes stirring the stupid potion the wrong way.

He threw up afterwards then curled up in the bathroom to cry. At least the others understood _this_ and none of them laughed. Peter rubbed his back, telling him that he was sure the written part was probably good enough to give him a passing grade. It didn't help that he felt incredibly _dumb_ for crying over this. No other first year cried over their exams, not even Lily when she told him she was pretty sure she failed Herbology.

Finally the last day came around. Remus woke up feeling tired, ready for this to be over. He was still upset over Potions, trying his best to banish the thoughts while he took the History exams and then the written part of Charms in the afternoon, the very last section for the first years and then they were _free_.


	89. Chapter Eighty-Eight - Splashdown!

"FREEDOM!"

Sirius immediately stripped his robes and vest off, James following suit, then Peter, and Remus took off his robes. The four of them ran outside to claim a section near the lake. A lot of students were hanging out by the lake so it was a bit noisy.

Remus sat on a rock, pulling a book out.

"NO!" Sirius grabbed the book from him. "No. More. Studying." He put it back into Remus's bag then took the bag away.

"I was just--"

"I know what you were just," Sirius said, dropping the bag with the other bags. "You were _just_ going to go over History and Charms and agonize yourself over whether you got the answers right or not. And the scowl proves I'm right."

"Why is Remus scowling?" Lily appeared, with Colgate and Inkwood. Without even asking they joined the boys, the girls having taken off their robes and vests as well, dumping their stuff in a pile.

"Because I won't let him stress himself out into a frenzy," replied Sirius.

Lily looked at him and he ducked his head, scowling more. "I w-was just going to _look_ at the--the stuff we did today. I was _not_ g-going to put myself into a--a frenzy.

She sat next to him kicking her shoes and socks off. Inkwood stretched out in the grass, making a flower crown (did all girls learn to make flower crowns, Remus wondered, or were they just born with the knowledge?), while Colgate joined James and Peter in skipping rocks. Lily began poking Remus's foot with hers till he obediently took his shoes and socks off as well. He set them aside, tucking the (mismatched) socks into the shoes, aware that Sirius was giving him a strange look though not entirely sure what it meant.

"So, how do you think you all did?" Lily asked.

"ARGGGH!" Sirius shouted causing her to jump. "No! No school talk! Exams are OVER! We are absolutely _free_ for two weeks now!"

"We still have classes," Inkwood said as she deftly wove flowers together.

Sirius glared at her. "Not the same thing. Just some general stuff. Not important. And no exams," he added, pointing to Lily.

She stuck her tongue out at him then turned to Remus. "How do you think you did?"

"Pretty sure I failed Potions," he said, wriggling his bare toes, ignoring Sirius's furious ranting. "Probably Defense, too. You?"

"Pretty sure I failed Herbology. Possibly History. I did really good with Charms though. Professor Flitwick seemed _really_ pleased."

Remus wondered what he had done best in. Transfiguration, maybe? McGonagall had given him a rare smile when he finished up so that was something. Before they could keep talking about their grades there was a scream followed by a loud splash. Colgate was in the lake. Remus and Lily jumped to their feet but she was just in the shallow part, standing up angrily as she yanked seaweed (lakeweed?) off of her body.

"James Potter I am going to KILL YOU!" Colgate screamed.

"It was an accident!" James protested.

"Did you push her in the lake?!" Lily demanded.

James spun around. "It was an accident!" he said again. "I didn't realize she was on mud and would sli--AAAAAAH!"

Lily charged forward, put her hands on his chest, and shoved him back into the lake. He landed with a big splash then came up, sputtering and coughing, some seaweed tangled around his glasses somehow. Lily dusted her hands off triumphantly. Then screamed as Sirius picked her up. Completely picked her up, her limbs flailing.

"NO! BLACK! NO!"

He waded forward, dropping her in then mimicked her with dusting his hands off just as Colgate--still in the water--tackled him, knocking him down. The four of them were all yelling, shouting, and fighting, water splashing everywhere. Remus, Peter, and Inkwood stood at the edge, watching them. The fighting turned into laughter as they splashed each other and tried to pull each other under the water. Inkwood took her shoes off before running in, laughing loudly as she was sucked into the water battle. Then Peter shrugged and did the same thing. Remus hovered on the bank, jumping back slightly Sirius slipped in some mud, falling right by the edge.

"Remy--some h--help," he coughed out, hand waving in the air.

Remus took a step forward, taking Sirius's hand but then as soon as Sirius's fingers closed around his wrist he knew what a monumental mistake he made. "No, n--no, no-no-no-no, Si--S--please--Sirius, pl--"

Sirius grinned at him as he yanked Remus into the water. He flailed, panicking a bit as he tried to get back to the surface, coughing up the foul tasting lake water. He shot a vicious glare at Sirius who just laughed, sending a splash of water at him. Remus splashed back then fell again, arms and legs everywhere as he tried to right himself. It seemed that he was just as clumsy in the water as he was out. But after he peeled his wet vest off--tossing it onto the shore--he joined in, splashing the others, trying to dunk his friends, laughing. He cheered Sirius, Lily and Inkwood on as Sirius grabbed James's arms and the girls grabbed his legs and they swung him out, ignoring his threats, sending him flying off into deeper water.

Then Lily wanted to play some Muggle thing she called chicken fight which involved the deeper water and her getting on Sirius's shoulders while Colgate got on James's shoulders and the girls tried to knock each other off. Inkwood and Peter cheered on Colgate and James, so Remus cheered on Lily and Sirius. The three of them hooted in victory when Colgate finally fell off of James's shoulder.

"New challenger!" Lily said. "Come on, then."

Inkwood grabbed Remus. "I'm way t-t-too short!" he protested. "Plus I don't think I c-can carry you." He could, but he didn't want her to know that.

She rolled her eyes. "No, you get on _my_ shoulders, silly. I can definitely carry you, you're smaller than my cousin."

Remus didn't like that idea either but he climbed on, arms flailing. "We're--we're going to lose."

"Well, with _that_ attitude!" Inkwood laughed. "Come on, she's weak. You can do it."

"_Who_ is weak?!" Lily demanded, hands on hips.

"Not us," Sirius said, giving Remus and Inkwood a grin. "You're going _down_, Lupin!"

"In you dr--dreams, Black!" Remus retorted, trying to sound better about this than he felt.

Lily and Remus grappled with each other. Remus had no balance but Inkwood had a really good grip on Remus (which he didn't particularly like). However Remus soon fell off, splashing down into the water while Sirius and Lily both put their hands up in victory.

"We make a good team, Black," Lily said, patting his head like a dog.

"Maybe I just like holding your legs."

"WHAT?! LET GO OF ME!" she screeched, her pats turning into smacks. Sirius dropped her, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Lily splashed him. "Jerk!"

"Come on then, Marauder fight," James said, clapping his hands.

After much debate the teams were: James carrying Peter, and Sirius carrying Remus. It wasn't until he was actually up on Sirius's shoulder--like, properly on his _shoulders_ not a piggyback ride--that he realized how bloody _tall_ Sirius was. Yikes. At least sitting on his shoulders wasn't as uncomfortable as sitting on Inkwood's shoulders.

"Go Remus!" Lily cheered.

"Go Lupin and Black!" Inkwood cheered.

"Yeah, go Lupin!" Colgate agreed.

James scowled. "Excuse me, what's this?! Come on, Pete, Remy's got crap balance this will be easy."

Remus let out a noise of mock indignation then they began battling. He was _very_ tempted to use his wolf strength to push Pete off of James's shoulders. The girls cheered him on while the four Marauders laughed, except for Sirius who was shouting insults at James to distract him. Then Remus caught a glimpse of a figure behind the girls on the shoreline and was so startled Peter was able to pull him off of Sirius.

"WINNERS!" James shouted as Remus floundered until Sirius pulled him to the surface.

"Good try," Sirius said cheerfully.

"Having fun?" McGonagall asked, folding her arms.

The other six Gryffindors who hadn't seen her yet froze then slowly faced the shore. "P--Professor!" Lily squeaked. Suddenly everyone realized they had been splashing around in the lake in their uniforms. Colgate adjusted her skirt awkwardly.

"And whose idea was this?" she asked. All three girls pointed at James.

"Wh-what?! I didn't _do_ anything!" he protested. "All I did was accidentally--ACCIDENTALLY--knock Colgate into the water, then Evans goes and pushes me in!"

"With Mr. Pettigrew on top of your shoulders?" she inquired, raising an eyebrow. James quickly pushed Peter off of him, ignoring his shriek.

"That was Evans's idea!" Sirius accused quickly.

Lily's face went beet red. "Er--I--ahh--"

McGonagall just shook her head, a very faint smile at the corner of her lips. "Just be careful." With that she walked off, heading towards Hagrid's hut.

The seven of them watched her go in surprise then looked at each other. Then it was all out war. Water went everywhere and everyone was tackling everyone else until after ages everyone just crawled onto the bank, completely worn out. Remus began pulling plants out of his shirt and pants, yelping as one of them wrapped around his wrist tightly. He clawed at it with his stubby nails then Lily rescued him with her wand.

"I better go get a shower," Inkwood yawned, getting up. Lily and Colgate followed suit, grabbing their things and hurrying off.

The boys lay in the sun a bit longer before getting their things to head back in. Remus put his socks and shoes on, feeling absolutely exhausted but also very good. It had been a great ending to an otherwise stressful week, a way to relieve the stress. He hadn't even noticed how _tense_ he had felt until it all slid away during the water battles.

"Pete and I won," James reminded them as they climbed the steps.

Sirius knocked lightly into him. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next time it'll be me'n Remy, you just wait. So. Colgate, huh?"

"I KNOW!" Peter gasped out.

"I couldn't believe it," James said.

Remus remained silent until they all looked at him expectantly. "Sorry, what?"

Now they looked at him as if he had sprouted tentacles. "Um. She wears a _bra_!" Sirius said, waving his hand in front of his chest.

He frowned, feeling very confused. "Sh--she does? How do you know?"

"Merlin's beard," Peter managed to say.

James began snickering. "Maybe he was too busy looking at _Evans_."

"Looking? What? Lily?"

"What's there to look at?" Sirius asked with a grin. "She's as flat as me."

"What are you g--guys talking about?!" Remus demanded, feeling utterly out of the loop.

James put his arm around Remus's shoulder. "You're really telling me you just saw three girls wearing _wet_ white shirts and _didn't_ look?"

"What would I look at?" he asked, confused, not getting it at all.

"Oh _Merlin_!" Peter groaned. Sirius just laughed.

"Wh--" Remus stopped, going brilliantly pink. Bras. Right. "Oh. _Oh_. Merlin."

"Yeaaahhhh."

"You were--that's--what--that isn't--no...!" Remus spluttered, covering his face, feeling rather annoyed at his friends, wanting to ask them how they could _do_ something like that.

"Colgate wears a _bra_," Peter said in an awed tone.

"Not a yellow lacy one though," said James, which sent Sirius and Peter into giggles too.

"So is that why you pushed her in the lake?" Sirius asked.

James shook his head. "Nah. That was just an accident, I swear! C'mon, Remy, you're seriously telling me you _didn't_ look at _all_? Not even at Evans?"

"_No_!" he snapped. "Th--that's _rude_." He didn't want to admit that doing something like that hadn't even occurred to him, which embarrassed him. It _shouldn't_, because looking _was_ rude. Still, the other three had been looking. Should he have been looking? Was it... _normal_ to want to look? Cause it really hadn't even crossed his mind to do something like that. Was he _ab_normal? Was it because he was a werewolf? Or because he just hadn't... gotten to that point yet? James was (very slightly) younger but clearly at that point. So, was there something wrong with him?

Ugh, how screwed up was it that he thought there might be something wrong for him for _not_ wanting to ogle a girl's body? Because he was right, it _was_ very rude.

"Poor Remus." Sirius ruffled his hair. Remus jerked his head away, scowling. He wanted to chastise them again for looking but before he could they began talking about Colgate and Inkwood, also quite amused over the fact Evans didn't have anything yet which ticked Remus off for them just talking about the personal parts of his friend like that.

"How w-would you like it if th--they talked about you like that?" he demanded.

Sirius whirled around. "Oh they _better_ be talking about all this," he said, flourishing his arms. James gave him a shove as he laughed. "I'm not called Beauty for nothing."

"You're not called Beauty at all," James teased. "Only in your _head_ are you called Beauty."

"Like they notice _you_?" Sirius replied, elbowing him.

"Puh-lease, they notice _me_ more than _you_."

"I dunno guys," Peter said with a wicked smile, "they _were_ all cheering Remus on."

"Ooooooh!" Sirius and James both drew out, shooting Remus amused looks.

Remus began going red again. "Sh--shut up! Th-they were only cheering _me_ on b--because I'm Lily's friend. And--and because I was the only one _not_ ogling them."

"_Ogling_?!" Sirius shrieked. "Yes."

That of course set them back on track about boobs. Remus trudged behind them, giving up. He knew he should tell them to stop but he also knew they wouldn't listen to him at all. Plus he still felt stupid for not wanting to join in the conversation. He still just didn't get what the big deal about _those_ were.

*

_The Marauders were talking about girls. Remus kept saying he didn't understand. He felt so lost and confused. Lily and her friends showed up, asking him why he didn't look at them. He kept saying it was rude but they started calling him weird, all six of them telling him it wasn't normal. He tried saying he just wasn't there yet but then James pointed at him and said there was something really wrong with him if he didn't, then they all realized it was because he was a werewolf. Sirius grabbed him and threw him into a lake full of liquid silver and--_

He woke up with a cry of fear, hand going to his mouth to try and quiet himself before Sirius could hear. What a stupid nightmare. What a horrible, stupid, dumb, pointless nightmare.

Then he heard voices. At first he thought he _had_ woken Sirius up, then realized no--Sirius was already awake, and talking to James. They were talking about the summer.

"...you to visit," James was saying, sadness tinging every syllable.

"I know," Sirius replied so softly that Remus almost didn't hear it. "I _want_ to visit."

"Isn't there any way?"

"I--I'll try. I don't know." Sirius let out a frustrated sound then there was a sound that was probably him hitting his pillow. "A Marauder sleepover would be amazing. My summer is going to suck so much."

Remus felt so guilty for overhearing this probably private conversation so he began rolling around (not sure if they could hear him) then noisily pushed back his curtains. James's response to Sirius died, both of them falling silent. Remus put his slippers on then shuffled past James's bed to go to the bathroom. He didn't really need to go but he didn't want them talking about private stuff where he could listen in. He peed, washed his hands, then returned to the dorm, glancing at James's bed; the curtains were shut. He could hear them breathing, not asleep. He went back to bed, kicking his slippers off then climbing back into bed, hoping they wouldn't keep up their conversation. They did start talking again however this time it was about Operation BounceIt.

Remus rolled over, burrowing his head under his pillow to put more barriers between him and them, and soon fell back asleep.

*

_Please report to Detention Hall at 6pm exactly tomorrow (Sunday the Eleventh) for your detention._

Remus stared at the scrap of paper delivered to him at breakfast. What?

"What?" he asked out loud.

"What?" Peter asked.

"What?" James asked, then, "Why are we all saying what?"

Remus held up the paper. "I have detention? Wh--why do I have detention? Is it because of the lake? D--did you get detention?"

"We have detention tonight," James said, "but that's for the firecrackers we set off on Tuesday out the dorm windows, when you were at the hospital wing."

Remus was about to reply he hadn't gone to the hospital wing then remembered that was his excuse for disappearing every Tuesday. "Oh. Well, why do _I_ have detention? Pete, do you?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "Maybe ask McGonagall?"

Remus glanced up at the teachers' table, debating whether or not to approach her now. Ultimately he decided he'd rather wait outside the Great Hall after he finished eating. The thought of going up in front of _everyone_ was too much. So once he finished eating he left, sitting down on a bench nearby.

After an eternity McGonagall came out. Remus ran over, feeling a little nervous. "P-Professor? Um, I had a q--question." He held up the slip of paper, hand trembling. "I d--don't understand why--why I have det--de-detention? What did I do?"

McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "You attacked Mulciber, Mr. Lupin."

He frowned, trying to recall when that happened. There hadn't been any incidents between the Marauders and Slytherins lately. "Erm, wh--when? I don't..."

"You were given two nights of detention however you have currently only served one of those nights."

A Lumos spell went off in his brain. "You mean... at the end of April? I--I'm getting d--detention for something I did nearly _two months ago_??"

"I apologize for the lateness, Mr. Lupin, however it does seem your second night got mixed up," she replied. "We realized this before the exams started but I felt it best to wait till they were finished." Remus toed the ground. It wasn't fair. "Don't look so sullen. You _did_ attack another student."

"Y-yes, ma'am," he mumbled. "Thank you."

He caught up to his friends, complaining bitterly. They agreed it seemed vastly unfair especially since Mulciber _had_ deserved it, and Remus _had_ been defending Peter and himself. He sighed, giving up on complaining because there were better things to do with his time such as going off to Fort Dragon to work on the walls. James brought his radio this time so they had music to listen to while they worked. It was so warm that James, Sirius, and Peter all wore t-shirts; Remus kept a long-sleeved shirt on because t-shirt sleeves came far too close to his scar. Sometimes when he moved his arms the sleeves would ride up to show the mark; he could _not_ risk that. Even when Sirius asked why he didn't change to a t-shirt Remus just shrugged, lying, insisting he was fine despite the fact he was drenched in sweat. He rolled his sleeves up to the elbow then rolled up his jeans to his knees which helped a lot.

They took a break for lunch, plowing through the sandwiches and bags of crisps Peter had gotten from the kitchens. Remus studied the fort so far. The four walls were getting pretty high.

"I think we're just about done, we just need a roof," James said proudly.

"It is so amazing," Sirius said.

"It's definitely a pretty neat-looking fort," Remus agreed.

"Um." Peter tilted his head. "Where's the door?"

The other three stared at the fort then bust up laughing at their idiot mistake. Of course none of them really knew how to properly make a door so that would have to wait until Remus did some research on the best way to do that. That would have to be done over the summer because all their free time over the next two weeks would probably be perfecting the spells needed for BounceIt since they hadn't really done anything for that yet. Remus needed to do research for _that_, then of course all of them had to practice.

It wasn't until they were headed back for supper that Remus realized they'd have to figure out how to do a door on their own since when they came back was when he had to cut them out of his life.

_Maybe... I don't have to do that right away_, he thought, ignoring the voice in the back of his head telling him putting it off would be a huge mistake. He knew he had to cut them out. Knew how close it seemed Sirius was to guessing the truth. Knew perfectly well that the absolutely best thing to do was just do it over the summer, ending things when they came back.

Remus glanced at them then bit his lip. _Maybe it can wait. A little while. Just... a little while longer wouldn't be... the end of the world._ He knew he wasn't ready to give this up.


	90. Chapter Eighty-Nine - Dedenne's Detonation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very brief, kinda "light" self harm at the very very end (as in second to last sentence)

Even though they still had classes before the end of the year, Remus's study group decided to do some fun stuff outside instead of studying in the library. Pierce had a regular ol' Muggle frisbee so the lot of them went outside, throwing it at each other (which Remus completely failed at, at one point throwing it into the lake) while they talked about the exams.

It wasn't everyone in the group, thankfully. Twycross had found the game childish and left. No big loss, in Remus's opinion. Craft sat nearby to discuss the exams but didn't join in on frisbee tossing. So it was Remus, Lily, Silverlocke, Bones, Pierce, and Buckling. It was rather entertaining to see someone as elegant as Silverlocke jumping after a Muggle frisbee. His hair got loose out of the ponytail, eventually falling messily around his shoulders. Buckling had brought her phonograph player but they were listening to Muggle records from Lily and Pierce.

_What would you think if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, And I'll try not to sing out of key, oh I get by with a little help of my friends!_

Eventually they all collapsed down on the ground, chatting. Lily sat behind Remus, playing with his hair which felt super nice. He fought to keep his eyes open and not to lean back against her. Her fingers scraping gently against his scalp, raking through his hair... _Is this what is' like to be petted?_ he wondered, hugging his knees while he listened to Bones tell a funny story about something that happened in the Hufflepuff dorm. _Does it feel so good because I'm a canine?_

That thought made him rather uncomfortable and just before he decided to pull away there was a loud explosion nearby followed by a very familiar voice shouting, "BOLLOCKS!" and then another familiar voice screaming. They all looked over to see the three other Marauders by the lake. Peter's shirt was on fire as he ran in circles before plunging into the lake. James and Sirius didn't seem too concerned they were just scratching their heads, frowning.

"They're such idiots," Craft said, cutting a dark look towards Remus.

Lily began playing with his hair again. "_They_ are. Remus isn't."

Remus watched Peter come out of the lake and start talking to James who just shrugged, waving his hand at Sirius who gave a gesture Remus roughly translated to 'whoops'. Then all three of them looked his way. He ducked his head, hoping they wouldn't come over. He was having fun with his study group.

"What were they even trying to do?" Buckling inquired.

"I haven't the f--foggiest," Remus replied, giving a bit of a sigh as they started trooping over. Apparently they had been attempting to tie together a dozen fireworks which backfired--literally. Craft called them idiots again. James scowled at him then asked Remus for help. "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Remus asked, not really intending to sound sassy but the rest of his study group began laughing.

Sirius raised his eyebrows while James actually looked a little taken aback. "Er, help us figure out how to make them _not_ explode right away? Look at poor Peter." He grabbed Peter, pushing him forward. His clothes were rather singed.

Remus reluctantly got up, mostly wanting to help them before they really hurt themselves. He wound up spending the rest of the evening with them, quite pleased when they did manage to get a dozen to go off altogether, a huge shower of sparks above them just before curfew hit and they had to get back to the tower.

*

In the morning Remus felt tired. The Marauders had stayed up till nearly four in the morning down in the common room, eating candy, chatting, joking, and playing games. At least today the only thing he had to worry about was detention, though he had _no_ idea what to even expect. He didn't get out of bed until after ten, but the other Marauders were only just waking up too so they all went down for brunch. Remus asked them what Detention Hall meant, since he hadn't even _heard_ of that before.

"Writing lines, most likely," James replied.

"Yeah Detention Hall's where you're given something to write down," Sirius said with a nod. "Usually the length of a parchment. It's _so_ boring."

"It's still not fair they're making you do this after two months," grumbled Peter, which Remus completely agreed with.

"At least they waited till _after_ exams," he said. "I'll need someone to take me because I don't know _where_ it is."

"I wonder what you're going to be made to write," Peter said.

"Probably 'I shall not send Slytherins flying through the air with a wicked cool spell'," laughed James. "Still regret not being there!"

"I shall not defend my friends," Sirius suggested with a snicker.

"Yes, how dare you help protect me," Peter said with mock severity. "_And_ the names of our parents!"

Remus grinned at him. "Sorry, next time I'll just let them pulverize us."

"There you go," Sirius said, pointing his fork at Remus. "That's the way to deal with it!"

Sure enough that evening when he showed up (Sirius leading the way then trying to convince him to set off a dung bomb which Remus adamantly refused to do) it was to write lines. Unfortunately detention was being headed by Professor Dedenne who looked about as pleased to see Remus as he was with her. There were a few other students there too, older students he didn't recognize--no, one of them he sorta recognized. A second year Gryffindor who had been one of the Bat-Bogey Prank's victims, next to whom Remus had to sit. He was tilting his seat back, looking exceedingly bored. A couple more students wandered in then at six Dedenne handed out papers to everyone.

James had been rather close. _I Shall Not Use Magic Against Another Student_. He was given a long piece of parchment to cover, with lines on it so he couldn't write too terribly big. Remus got out his stuff and began obediently copying the line. _I shall not use magic against another student. I shall not use magic against another student. _He considered purposely making his handwriting a bit bigger than normal so he could only fit the sentence on twice per line however with Dedenne in charge he figured he'd be in deep trouble is he altered the size too much. _I shall not use magic against--_

There was a loud explosion outside the classroom, sending gasps throughout the group. Dedenne jumped to her feet, hurrying over, opening the door. She told the students to continue their writing then left the room. Remus returned to his copying, the only one to do so. The redhead next to him began tilting his chair way back again. Remus glanced over, seeing his lines he had to write. _I shall not use foul language in class_. Remus quickly glanced back to his own parchment, wondering what the redhead had said.

The door opened again but it wasn't Dedenne. "Oi! Remy!" Remus jerked his head in to see Sirius beckoning. "Come on, James can't distract her forever."

Everyone was looking at Remus now. "Wh--what? I c-c-can't. I'm not--I haven't been--I'm n-not done."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Who cares? We're rescuing you."

"G-g-getting me in worse trouble, you mean!" Remus slumped in his seat, rather embarrassed by everyone staring at him. "If she c-comes back and finds me g-gone...!"

"We used up one of our biggest firecrac--" He stopped, looking down the hall, going white. "Shoot. Aw, c'mon Remy. Detention is for _losers_."

"And if I leave I'll just have more," Remus pointed out. "I appreciate the rescue b-b-but I don't want _more_."

Sirius looked a little disappointed but Dedenne was coming back so all he could do was shrug and run off.

"I'd've taken it," said the redhead next to him. "I'd _love_ it if my friends did a rescue mission."

"You c-c-could have l-left even th-though it w-w-was for me," Remus said, confused.

The redhead frowned then slammed his hand against the desk. "Aw, fuck, you're right. Bugger it all."

Remus suspected he knew what had been said to land the redhead into detention. Dedenne came in, eyes scanning the room to make sure the head count was the same, then returned to her desk. Remus returned to writing the stupid lines. _I shall not use magic against another student_... _I shall not use magic against another student..._

A few minutes later the redhead went to the front of the room, slapping the parchment down. "Professor, I'm done."

Dedenne glanced at the parchment. "Your handwriting is _far_ too big. Do it again, with your _proper_ handwriting this time, Mr. Weasley."

The redhead slunk back to his seat, swearing under his breath. Professor Dedenne had to do the same for another student who attempted shorten their detention by writing big. Remus was glad he chose to keep his normal sizing. His hand hurt a little when he was done but at least he was done. He took the parchment to Dedenne who looked it over.

"Too big, Mr. Lupin. Do another."

"Th--that's my n-n-normal..." Remus trailed off, realizing it didn't matter. Dedenne was hunched over some papers grading then, not even listening. Or caring. Remus stood still, fingers touching the blank parchment she had given him. He didn't return to his seat. He knew he should however a flare of indignation went up inside of him. The wolf was getting really angry, clawing at his insides. "Professor." He spoke even though everything inside told him to just _not_, to _shut up_, to go back and write all the lines again.

She glanced up. "I said do it again, Mr. Lupin."

"Why?" He felt all the heads behind him raise up, all the eyes on him. He trembled slightly then tightened some of his muscles, trying to remain impassive. "My h--ha-h-handwriting is p-p-p-perfectly adeq--q-quate. I d-don't understand wh-why I need to do it ag-g-gain."

Dedenne stared at him in disbelief. He gave her a look hoping that it conveyed that he _did_ understand, he knew perfectly well why she was doing this. If he was hoping to shame her it didn't work. "Ten points from Gryffindor Mr. Lupin." She pushed a second piece of parchment over, scribbled something down, then handed that over. "Redo the first one then do this as well. Now sit down."

_I shall not talk back to the teacher_ was written on the scrap of paper. Remus clutched it in his fist as he returned to his seat, fury whipping inside of him like a violent storm. His nose itched, eyes threatening to let loose a few tears. He clenched his fist tighter, trying to dig his stubby nails into his palm to give him some pain to focus on--to prevent the crying--but his nails were far too short.

He poised his quill over the empty parchment and for a wild second he considered writing _I shall not be a bloodthirsty monster_. He wondered what would happen if he did, if he turned _that_ in to Dedenne. A bubble of laughter rose in his throat and he put a hand over his mouth, trying to keep it from coming out. A little hiccup of crazed giggling did escape and the Weasley kid next to him gave him a strange look. He clamped his teeth tightly together, forcing the laughter back as he began writing. _I shall not use magic on another student_.

By the time he was done with that one the room was empty except for a much older Hufflepuff student that looked to be asleep. Remus took the parchment to the front, hoping Dedenne wouldn't dismiss this. She gave a curt nod then told him to start on the second. _I shall not talk back to the teacher. I shall not talk back to the teacher_. After about ten lines of this Dedenne went to the Hufflepuff, gently shaking her awake, whispering that she could go. The Hufflepuff left while Dedenne took the parchment back to her desk. Remus suspected it was mostly empty. He gave Dedenne's back a bit of a glare then began writing again.

"How are you doing?" Dedenne asked after a bit.

"Ab-b-bout a th-third done," Remus said as she approached, wondering if she'd let him go without finishing it.

Instead she clucked her tongue. "Your handwriting is _horrible_. Start again." She got him a fresh piece of detention parchment.

Remus couldn't believe it.

He could _not_ believe it.

"No," he said without even thinking. Dedenne stopped in her tracks then turned around, eyes going wide. Remus glared at her. "That _isn-n-n't f-f-fair_!" He knew it was the worst thing to do, talking back again, except he couldn't keep quiet even if he tried. Besides, they were alone. "I kn-n-now why you w-w-won't accept my l-lines and it isn't f--f-fair!"

"Mr. Lupin--"

He stood up quickly and Dedenne jerked back so fast she knocked over a nearby chair. Fear rolled off her body as strongly smelled as any perfume. She was a fully grown, fully trained witch and he was a well-below-average sized 12 year old, and she was terrified, beyond terrified of him. He could sense her expectation of an attack. Her eyes darted around as she realized suddenly they were, in fact, utterly alone.

"I've n-n-never d-d-done anything for you t-to treat me like this!" He met her frightened gaze. "I'm j-j-just another st--student."

"No, you're not," she whispered immediately, clearly not even trying to stop herself as Remus hadn't with himself a moment before. "You're not. You're a--a--"

"Monster?" he asked harshly, lifting his chin, eyes blazing.

He thought she'd look away, or not answer, or perhaps even just leave. Instead she said, "Yes. You are. There's no use pretending you're not." It was like him saying that word unplugged something inside of her. The words spilled out like poison. "You're a _monster_. A--a beast! You don't belong here. I've told Albus all year you shouldn't be here and he won't get rid of you!" Her voice rose as she spoke, cheeks going pink from anger. "I've tried warning him since you started running with those others boys, that it's just a--a danger to them. That you'll _kill_ them one day. They're in danger! Everyone you're around is in danger! You are a Five-X beast! You're not natural, you're not _human_! You should be in a _safe place_ with _others_ like you, a--a reservation! Locked away from _real_ people." She straightened up, breathing heavily as her final words punctured the air. "You. Don't. Belong."

There it was. An entire year of holding back, of vague comments, of bad grades, of mistreatment, and she finally laid it out on the table.

Remus hadn't moved during her rant and once she finished he still remained as frozen as a Muggle statue. His entire body _hurt_. A cold ache seized his limbs and heart, as if he had been deposited down in the Arctic waters. There was darkness ebbing somewhere in his head (as best he could tell) while his clothes felt like blades cutting into his skin, the faint breeze caused from Dedenne moving physically hurt his skin. A weight pressed down against him, pushing, getting heavier with every second. Pressure on his chest. On his head. Squeezing harder, harder, pain engulfing him.

And oh how the wolf howled. It came to the surface, on the very edge of taking over, closer than it had ever been before in his life. He could hear it breathing into his ear. His fingers twitched, flexing, as if he had claws at the end instead of bitten nails. His teeth ground together, and he halfway expected them to be the sharp fangs of the wolf. _Attack_, it whispered. _Kill._

He could practically see blood.

He wanted to see blood.

He wanted to attack her.

_No_, he thought, a dim, faded, feeble human voice in the darkness. _Stop it. Stop. Stop!_ He took in a slow, deep breath, struggling against the darkness, trying to force the wolf back before he proved to Dedenne he was as monstrous as she claimed him to be. _You're human. Human. HUMAN! _That hurt too, fighting the wolf. It howled inside of him, a howl for vengeance. The cold darkness started swimming into his eyesight, black tendrils creeping around the edge of his vision which began pulsating, the world blurring and unblurring around him. Pain stabbed his head violently, tearing him up.

_Stop! Stop! STOP!_

It felt like something inside of him physically snapping, a feeling he had before but never as strong as this. Like one of the fragile channels inside his very brain just broke in half. He could suddenly smell blood.

But he was him again. The wolf was still there however pacing around down in the abyss, deep inside of him.

Now that he felt somewhat in charge of his won body again, Remus silently put his ink and quill into his bag. He could hardly see anything, the pulsating having stopped on permanent blur in addition to the dark tendrils at the edge of his eyes. He slowly pulled the strap over his shoulder then, still silent, walked out of the detention chamber.

Dedenne didn't stop him.

He walked down the hall, not even seeing anything in front of him. It was all sort of blackish and blurry. Foggy. He just walked. Something wet slid down his lips but his body was so numb he didn't think he could even reach up to wipe it off.

Droplets of blood drizzled down onto his shirt.

Someone spoke gibberish in the distance, a muffled sort of sound from miles away, possibly underwater. He felt a hand against his arm and he ripped away, spinning around to stare at the other Marauders whose smiles immediately faded. They'd tell him later he scared them, that he looked wild especially with the blood dripping down his face from his nose, with a frightening look in his eyes. They didn't use the words exactly however the way they tiptoed around it told Remus that in that moment he looked exactly how most the students viewed him: absolute crazed lunatic.

They didn't look real to him, though; they looked fuzzy, out of focus. They weren't real.

Nothing felt real.

He just staggered away then turned, walking. One of them said something he couldn't really hear. One of them grabbed his arm again.

Remus automatically pushed him away, whoever it was, with wolf strength. Sirius would have gone flying back if James hadn't been behind him, catching him. Peter whimpered while the two black-haired boys stared in utter shock, James's arms around Sirius as he straightened him out, all three sets of eyes enormous.

scared

of him

like Dedenne

_like everyone should be_

Remus stumbled backwards then turned, running, his satchel slipping off his shoulder and falling to the floor; he just kept running. He barely felt the stone underneath his feet, nor did he really see where he was going. Everything felt so far away. Like he was shrinking. Maybe he was like Alice, growing tinier and tinier until he could hide beneath a mushroom. Tinier, maybe, and then he'd disappear forever.

He wished he could disappear.

After what felt like both an eternity and no time at all he realized he was near the painting that led to the secret corridor with the pits. His brain was only barely working however he knew exactly where to go now. Instincts. He ran to the painting, shoving it aside, climbing in. The painting snapped shut behind him, plunging him into darkness. He lit up his wand, flying through the hidden way until he got to the first pit, not even being careful as he ran along the edge. Then he got to the second pit.

He jumped.

He knew he'd make it. Wolves could jump. That's what he was.

Besides, if he missed and plummeted into the hole he wouldn't die unless there were silver spikes at the bottom.

He landed on the floor safely on the other side. He staggered then went for a little recess, where a big pot stood. There he finally let the rage out. He screamed, cursed, shouted, and banged his fists against the stone wall--cracking the stone--then finally collapsed down, pushing himself into the space between the pot and wall, where he curled into a ball, digging his fingers against his scalp, pulling at his hair, nails scraping into his skin, body shaking. His hands raked down across his face, then again, and again, until flashes of pain shot through the numbness, breaking whatever hold it had on him.

Then he finally began sobbing.


	91. Chapter Ninety - Confession

Everything was black.

But only for a few seconds.

As Remus sat up, rubbing his eyes, he adjusted to the light--or lack thereof, really. He saw walls. A giant pot. Dried blood smeared on his hands as well as his face (from what he could feel). He pushed himself to his feet, head throbbing. _Where am I_? He struggled to remember then everything unfolded like a hideous flower. Detention, Dedenne, the passageway with the pits.

_Running with those others boys, that it’s just a danger to them. That you’ll kill them one day._

Dedenne.

_You. Don’t. Belong._

Her words.

_I’ve told Albus all year you shouldn’t be here._

Her fury, her hatred, her disgust.

_You’re not natural, you’re not human!_

He stepped out of the nook, seeing the great hole in the ground he had actually jumped over when he was an emotional mess. He was still an emotional mess, just less so. Or--really, felt more in control of his emotions now. He felt more _present_ now. He wiped his hands on his trousers, blood flaking away. Yurgh.

He wanted to just curl back up and stay there forever but he knew he couldn't. He had to leave.

He returned to the nook, picking up his wand. "Lumos." It flickered then came on. He was a little surprised since he was so exhausted. His legs were a bit shaky to the point of him doubting he could make the jump back. He wiped his mouth off on his sleeve then went the other way hoping for a clean exit however soon he came across another pit, no way across. He'd have to jump. He returned to the first one because even though the second one wasn't quite as wide he had no idea if there were more beyond it.

_Okay Remus, you can do it_. He stared at the distance, heart pounding. What was at the bottom? What if he fell? He remembered vaguely jumping the first time, not _caring_ if he fell or not. This time he did care. _Okay_, he thought again. _You did it once, you can again_. He backed up, trying to ignore how numb his legs felt. He began running--he jumped--and--

He landed on the other side. Hard. He crashed into the stone and tumbled away. He had smacked his elbow against the floor sending a jolt of pain through his body. Hissing softly, he rubbed the elbow, then rolled up his sleeve. His elbow had been split open, blood pouring out. _Great, just what I needed. More blood_. He rolled the sleeve down then got back up, trudging to the first pit, across the little bit of safe floor, then out the portrait onto the fourth floor.

It was dark. Very dark. He went down the hallway to one of the windows but the sky was overcast so he couldn't really tell easily. He searched his bones for the location of the moon however it didn't give him an _exact_ to-the-minute location, just a general sense of _there_. His eyes snapped to the bit of clouds, not really sure what time it could mean since his head hurt too much to think. Late, that's about all he knew.

"Nox." He began walking down the hallway, keeping to the shadows as he headed to the Gryffindor common room. On the fifth floor he heard footsteps so he dove down a side corridor, finding a very dark place to hide out in until the footsteps faded. He still felt pretty foggy so he was very glad his wolf instincts were still on full alert. He returned to his walking but soon heard _more_ footsteps. He hid again, waiting rather impatiently. These footsteps came close by him. He recognized them as belonging to Professor Flitwick who soon left the area. Remus went quicker now, going up to the sixth floor where he dove into hiding once more as Professor McGonagall went by. _What are all the teachers doing_? he wondered, curling himself into a smaller ball behind the bench. She went through a door. Remus hurried past then hid as she came _out_ the door, going to another door, going in. What?

He nearly made it to the staircase that went up to the seventh floor before having to hide from footsteps he couldn't recognize. Once they went by he fled up the stairs. He cautiously peered down the passage leading to the Gryffindor entrance. There was a student there, lounging against the wall by the painting. Remus retreated into the shadows, waiting. The older student didn't budge. He stayed there, looking a little bored, as time passed by. _The Fat Lady is there_! Remus thought miserably. _Why isn't he going in_? He shifted his weight then ducked down as someone came by.

McGonagall again. "Mr. Slatebone, anything?"

"No, Professor," the older boy replied with a yawn.

"Well. It's nearly two--" _Really?_ Remus thought in surprise, "--why don't you head on to bed."

"All right, thanks Professor."

He disappeared through the entrance while McGonagall began pacing back and forth for a moment then she left, hurrying past Remus's hiding spot. Once he couldn't hear her anymore he went over to the Fat Lady, whispering the password. She was half-asleep, barely giving him half a glance as she opened up. Remus slid quietly inside, hoping the older boy had gone to bed.

He had, but the common room wasn't empty. Four figures were near the fireplace. Remus started tiptoeing across the room, hoping they wouldn't see him, then realized they were his friends. Not only the Marauders but Lily as well.

_What's she doing with them_? He could see her face in the firelight. It looked like she had been crying. Had they done something to her? To Snape? Had they been arguing? But--they weren't even talking. Lily just stared at the fire while Sirius was pacing back and forth, running his fingers through his hair over and over. James had his elbows on his knees, watching Sirius. Peter was a lump in the corner of the couch. Remus thought he was asleep for a second but then he moved a bit, shifting his weight around as he made a miserable sort of sigh.

None of it really made sense. He hesitated, debating whether or not to just sneak up to the dorm to wash the blood away but Lily's wet face was too much.

"Lily?"

All four of them jumped at his voice, turning to look. "Remus?!" they all demanded, in various tones of surprise. Then they were running over, saying his name again. Sirius got there first, arms encircling Remus instantly, holding him close which made Remus feel very strange. Partially uncomfortable, but also he kinda liked it. It felt really good, comforting.

"Merlin, you're _okay_!" he said, squeezing gently, face in Remus's hair.

"M--me?" Remus asked, muffled from his face being against Sirius's chest (probably flaking blood off onto his shirt). What about Lily? She had been _crying_.

Then Lily was elbowing Sirius aside so she could hug Remus. "We were so _worried_! Where have you _been_?"

Remus had no idea what she was talking about. It was late but why was that cause to worry? He'd been out late before. "Um, a--around?" James hugged him too, then Peter whose eyes were a little puffy as if he had been crying earlier. "D... did something h-happen?"

All four of them just stared in silence which made him super nervous. Something big _had_ happened. Then...

"Did something ha--?" Sirius gasped out. "Did _something happen_!? Bloody HELL Remus, you--you _disappeared_!" He grabbed Remus's shoulders, fingers digging in. "You dumb _oaf_! You were covered in blood and just--just _disappeared_! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN!?" Remus cringed back at the shouting. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" He released Remus, voice getting louder, voice breaking a bit. "ARE YOU HONEST TO MERLIN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! _DID SOMETHING HAPPEN_!?"

"I'd best go get a teacher," James said then hugged Remus one more time. "Thank Merlin you're safe," he muttered before leaving the common room.

"W-wait, the teachers were--out l-looking for me?" He couldn't wrap his head around this. It seemed so crazy. Unreal. What?

"And half the prefects," Peter said, inching closer to Remus then throwing his arms around him.

Sirius pulled him over to the couch, brow furrowed. "You looked so... _weird_... Merlin, you looked--" He stopped, rubbing his forehead. "You had blood all over your face. Then you just--took off running." He guided Remus into a sitting position, taking a seat right next to him, eyes locked on Remus's still-bloodied face. "We checked the hospital wing and the dorm but you weren't anywhere, so we went to McGonagall."

Lily sat on Remus's other side, arms around one of his arms. "We've been so worried. They wouldn't let us help search."

Peter couldn't sit next to him so he leaned against the back of the couch, one hand down so it could rest against Remus's shoulder. "What happened?"

Remus just sat in dazed silence for a moment, unable to comprehend this. Deep down he knew it made sense. A student goes missing, everyone goes looking. But it still really confused him, and worried him. All this fuss over what he did couldn't be good. Especially since he _had_ gone 'missing' before although he didn't think his friends had gone to McGonagall for that. This was the first time he had gone missing and the staff told.

Before he could say anything the portrait swung open again as James came through followed by Professors McGonagall _and_ Dumbledore. Remus swallowed heavily, feeling his legs turn to jelly. _I've caused so much trouble_... He stood as they came over and before anyone could say anything Remus began apologizing. He hadn't meant to scare anyone, or disappear, he just--wasn't feeling well, and--and wanted to have a little cry so he went off to be alone and fell asleep, he _really_ didn't mean to cause problems and he was so, so, _so_ sorry. The words tripped over his tongue, stammered nonsense he wasn't sure could be understood.

McGonagall put her hands on his shoulders. "There's no need to apologize," she said firmly. "We're just very glad you're safe."

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Miss Evans, Mr. Black, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Potter, why don't you four go on to bed now. I need to speak with Mr. Lupin."

None of them budged. Sirius folded his arms. "But--" he began.

Dumbledore tilted his head forward, giving him a look over his half-moon spectacles. "Mr. Black," he warned.

Sirius pressed his lips thin then squeezed Remus's shoulder. "We'll wait up," he promised before they all went up to their dorms. Lily gave him another hug before she disappeared as well.

"Boys," Dumbledore said after a moment. "_All_ the way up."

The other Marauders--who had stopped just out of view--climbed up the rest of the stairs, grumbling to themselves. Only after the door shut did Dumbledore indicate for Remus to sit back down. He obeyed, wondering how Dumbledore had heard that faint latching sound. Probably magic. Dumbledore sat down next to him, which unnerved Remus quite a bit. He looked down at his lap, picking at the dried blood on his nails, wondering how much trouble he was in for all of this. Probably expelled. McGonagall sat in a chair nearby, remaining silent, eyes glued on him in an unreadable manner.

"Here." Dumbledore offered a damp cloth. "For your face," he added, noticing the confused expression.

Remus began wiping the blood off. _Just tell me_, he thought miserably, then without thinking he asked out loud, "Am I g-g-going to be expel--spelled?"

"Expelled?" Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Whatever for?"

"Causing s--so much t-t-trouble," Remus whispered, bowing his head low, twisting the damp cloth in his hands. "I d-d-didn't mean to. I'm s--sorry. I am, I--"

"Mr. Lupin. Remus." Dumbledore shook his head. "You are _not_ in trouble. At _all_." Remus finally looked back up, heart leaping in his throat. "I want to know what happened."

_Crap_. Remus twisted the cloth so much some bloody water dripped down onto his jeans. "Um. I w-wasn't feeling well. I was feeling a l--little down so... I just... found somewhere qu--quiet to cry. I f--fell asleep. That's all."

"I see." Dumbledore took his glasses off, rubbing them on the corner of his robes. "Now, will you tell me what _actually_ happened?"

Remus's eyes darted towards McGonagall then back down to his lap. "That's wh-what happened," he said rather hoarsely.

"What is the blood from?"

"I--I ran into a d--door and hurt my nose."

Dumbledore slid his glasses back on, smiling at him. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't lie to me, Mr. Lupin." Remus gulped, shrinking back. "Shall I _see_ what happened?"

"N--no!" he yelped, one hand fluttering to his head as if that could possibly protect him from as great a Legilimens as the headmaster. "No. I--I'm not--that's--please. Please, that's all th--that happened." His voice grew shaky, as did his hands. "Please," he said again, wanting the issue to just _go away_.

_I’ve told Albus all year you shouldn’t be here and he won’t get rid of you_.

A tear rolled down his cheek as Dedenne's voice began whispering in his ear again.

_You should be locked away from real people._

"Remus," Dumbledore said gently, in a similar manner as when he had questioned him about his father slapping him, "I need you to tell me what happened." Remus shook his head, closing his eyes, trying to stop the voice. "Tell me."

"P... please..."

"_Tell_ me."

Remus let out a choking sound then he bent forward, curling into himself, unable to withstand him a second longer. "She s-s-said I w-w-was a m--monster," he sobbed into the bloody cloth. "S--said I should b--be l-l-locked away and th--that I'm g-g-g-g-going to k--kill J-James--and--and P-Pete--and--Sii-irr-riu-uusss!"

He didn't even hear McGonagall moving but she was suddenly next to him, her arms going around him protectively. He instinctively curled against her, knowing he shouldn't, she was his teacher not his _mother_ but being in her arms felt so good and comforting, and he wound up crying into her robes which was just about the most humiliating thing a student could do. She didn't chastise him, instead she began rubbing his back, making quiet, soothing sounds.

"Professor Dedenne?" Dumbledore asked. Remus just nodded against McGonagall. "Did she use a spell against you?" He shook his head. "How did you get the blood?"

Remus slumped away from McGonagall, wiping his face off on his sleeves. "I d-d-don't know. My nose st--started bleeding. It d-does that sometimes when I--when I get really upset. Th--then I..." He clenched his teeth, not wanting to confess to scratching up his own face like a stupid animal. "I--b--banged my head against some st--stone when I c--collapsed later." He had no wounds to reveal that lie, and hoped it would be enough.

"Can you tell me everything she said? Do you know _why_ she said this?"

Remus looked up at him, a brief heartbeat of considering just withdrawing... then everything came out. Being snapped at for using his regular handwriting, getting in more trouble for saying it wasn't fair, being told his handwriting was too messy, then him confronting her with her hatred of him which was when she exploded. He whispered out every single thing she said, feeling sicker and sicker with each word that had been seared into his brain.

"I j--just left," he said, looking down at his lap still. "I w-wasn't really... aware... I just had to go... somewhere p-private. So, I... I hid. And--and cried. And fell asleep."

"What do you mean by her hatred of you? Can you please elaborate?" Dumbledore asked.

Remus stared at him, a slight nudge of irritation by his words. "She s-said she's been g-going to you saying I should be expelled," he said, hoping he didn't sound accusing.

"She had, on occasion, suggested this," admitted Dumbledore. "It seems I was in the wrong for merely dismissing her fears. I should have paid more attention. Either way, it sounds to me like you knew before what happened tonight that she did not care for you."

"She hates me," he said, giving a sort of gasping choking sound. "She's hated me from--from the st-start." He found himself telling them about his grades, her cutting remarks, how even if he performed well she would tell him he did it wrong, how she took points away when he correctly did the green sparks. It poured out of him whether he wanted it to or not, he just couldn't keep it in any longer.

"Why did you never come to me about this before?" McGonagall asked stiffly, face paling.

He shrugged. "I d-didn't see the--the point. She... she's... my t-teacher. Besides. I mean." His voice dropped as he finished with, "Sh--she isn't wrong about me."

McGonagall drew in a sharp breath. "I happen to disagree with her opinions," she said icily as her body tensed. "Albus--"

Professor Dumbledore held up a hand. "Is there anything else to this story, Mr. Lupin?"

"N--not that I c-can think of."

Dumbledore reached over, a finger under Remus's chin, forcing him to look him dead in the eyes. After a few seconds he nodded then stood up. Remus had the distinct feeling that Dumbledore had gone into his head. "Thank you for telling me everything. I do wish you would have come to us sooner, and if a member of staff ever--_ever_\--gives you trouble... I implore you to come to me. I am very sorry this has happened. I did not expect her to be so... vehemently against werewolves." Remus flinched at the word. "You are excused from classes tomorrow. I hope you're able to get some rest."

He swept out of the common room. Once the portrait shut, McGonagall stood up. "Are you all right?" she asked softly, a hand on his head.

"I d-don't know," he admitted. "Maybe. I--it's just b-been a long day. I'm s-sorry for causing so many problems."

"As I said, I'm just glad you're all right," she said. "I don't think there is anything I can say that he didn't, just... highlight the fact if there is anything going on, Mr. Lupin, my office door _is_ open. I am here for you, Remus."

His chest tightened. "Thank you, Professor."

"Get on to bed."

He slithered off the couch and hurried up the stairs, feeling dizzy. He wasn't even really sure _what_ just happened. The whole conversation didn't seem real. Were they _really_ upset? At Dedenne? Was something going to happen? It was just going to be worse now, he thought. The next few classes before they went home, and if she _was_ back next year...

He shuddered.

He paused in front of the dorm door, knowing perfectly well they were all still awake. Spinnet was probably mad. Urgh. He didn't want to go in. _Actually_... He turned and went to the bathroom first, taking care of business then washing off his face properly. Putting off facing his friends. He didn't know _what_ to tell them. He supposed he probably should have asked McGonagall for some advice there.

"Remus!"

The three of them crowded around him as soon as he went in. They were in their pajamas now, though all very wide awake. James pulled Remus onto his bed, Sirius and Peter following, shutting the curtains so they wouldn't disturb the other two.

"What happened?" Sirius demanded. "What the bloody hell is going on?"

Remus drew his knees up, hugging them tightly. "I g--got into an argument with Professor Dedenne. In detention." He pressed his chin into his arms, not looking at any of them.

"Did she curse you?" Peter asked, leaning close. "You were _bleeding_."

"N--no, my nose just started bleeding, th--that's all." He closed his eyes, burying his whole face now. "Dedenne was just being... unfair towards me. Said my handwriting was t--too big but it wasn't and I pointed it out." He shrugged. "That's all. I was stupidly upset after."

"Is that _really_ all?" Sirius asked.

He finally peered up, meeting Sirius's curious gaze. "Yes," Remus lied. "That's all. I was being dumb. I fell asleep in a secret p--passage. I didn't mean to cause so much trouble. Or upset you."

James pressed his hand against Remus's back. "We're just glad you're all right. I'm not gonna lie, you scared us when you--you turned around. Your eyes were kinda... Well, you're okay that's all that matters."

Remus suspected what his eyes were _kinda_. "I'm sorry."

"You _don't_ need to apologize for anything!" Sirius snapped. "Especially not for anything that that--that--that bitch caused!"

_I should though_, he thought, putting his face down in his arms.

_You. Don't. Belong._

He shivered, feeling bile rising in his throat. She was right.

Peter hugged him tightly, cheek pressing into Remus's shoulder. "Don't do that again."

"I won't," he mumbled. "I'll t--try not to." Then he realized there was something else that needed to be said. "Sirius, I--I'm so sorry for hurting you."

"Hurting me?" Sirius looked confused. "What do you mean? I wasn't hurt, I was worried--"

"No, wh--when I--I sh--shoved you," he whimpered, not wanting to think about that but knowing he needed to. "I'm really sorry." He only dimly remembered his trip from detention hall to the fourth floor passage, though did vaguely recall pushing Sirius with more strength than a normal boy his size should have.

Sirius's hand reached out then withdrew without touching him. "You don't need to apologize, you were... you were obviously upset."

"I still shouldn't have--"

"It's fine, honestly." Now he did touch Remus, fingertips briefly brushing against Remus's shoulder. "You didn't hurt me at all."

They stayed up a bit longer then finally they were all too tired, especially the three who _hadn't_ slept for like six hours after a total breakdown. They each hugged Remus again then went to their own beds. Remus changed into his pajamas behind his curtains then left his dirty clothes in a pile at the foot of his bed. He went under his covers but didn't really feel sleepy. He considered getting a shower--he knew how filthy he was--but that just felt like too much effort.

He lay awake, staring at the canopy above him, thinking about everything that happened. Would Dumbledore write to his parents? If they got wind of this there was _no_ way he'd _ever _be able to come back. He should have told them not to tell his parents. What if they did?

_You. Don't. Belong._

_Locked away._

He rolled over, hugging his pillow tightly.

_Perhaps I shouldn't come back_.

He didn't get any sleep at all before the sun rose, and his pillow was damp from quiet tears.


	92. Chapter Ninety-One - Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters to go!! I'll be posting the next one on Sunday, then the final chapter on Tuesday as well as starting up with his second year by posting the first chapter (prologue) on Tuesday as well.

Remus had gotten exactly zero minutes of sleep between going to bed and alarms going off. He pushed the curtains aside, then stopped with his leg halfway out of bed. He had an on-off stabby headache, his stomach _still_ hurt, and despite crying almost nonstop during his waking hours over the past fifteen hours he _still_ felt like he might start crying any second.

He pulled his leg back into bed.

"So, what happened?" Spinnet asked as he got his stuff to get ready for the day. Remus just looked at him. "Why'd you go missing?"

"None of your business," Sirius said as he got out of bed. "Leave him alone."

Spinnet glared. "I was just _asking_."

"Are you all right?" Struthers asked.

Remus just shrugged. No. He wasn't. He'd never be okay again. His teacher called him a monstrous beast that deserved to be locked away because otherwise he'd maul his three best friends. Which was pretty much the truth.

"Aren't you going to get ready for class?" Peter inquired.

"No," Remus whispered. "I d--don't need to go to class today."

"Of course not," Spinnet snorted, causing Remus to flinch. "Why not? Put everyone in a panic, go missing, then get out of class. Aren't you just _special_." He saw Sirius going for his wand. "Go ahead and hex me, _Black_. You and your friends get away with _everything_, so go for it."

"Sirius, don't," Remus pleaded.

Sirius flickered his gaze to Remus then lowered his wand. "Bugger off, Spinnet. And don't say _anything_ about Remus."

Spinnet stormed out. Struthers paused by Remus's bed. "I'm glad you're all right, and I'm sorry for Andy--"

"It's f-fine," Remus mumbled, shrinking back. "Thank you."

After he left too, Remus realized his friends weren't getting ready. He pointed this out and James shrugged. "If you're not going to class, we aren't either."

He felt _so_ exasperated. He didn't want to deal with this. He wanted to be _alone_. "You shouldn't skip class," he murmured. "I have permission, You don't."

"So?" Sirius flopped onto his bed, eyes sparkling. "Since when does no permission stop us?"

"Yeah, isn't it better if we're here for you?" Peter asked. "I wanna be here for you."

"Fine, if--if you're going to stay then I'm going to class." Remus got out of bed, rummaging through the wardrobe for a clean uniform. "I'm _not_ going to be party to you three getting into trouble, there's b-been enough of that," he added when they all began complaining. Then he felt relieved when they reluctantly agreed to go to class because he didn't want to go.

Once they left, Remus grabbed his pillow and sat in a window, hugging his pillow, wishing it was Gwyllgi, staring at the sky. It felt like there was a giant gaping hole in his chest, everything inside of him just seeping out. He was so _hollow_. Sighing, he pressed his face into his pillow. He knew he should try to go to class but he doubted he'd be able to focus, or do anything. Plus they had Defense today. There was no way he could face her right now. He'd have to eventually, but... if he could put it off just a little bit longer...

Twenty minutes later the door opened. Remus glared, expecting to have to lecture one (or more) of the Marauders, but to his shock Lily came flouncing in. Before he could say anything she marched right over and hugged him. Remus felt a little uncomfortable from her touch, as if Dedenne's words were being spoken when her arms went around him; however he didn't pull away.

"Pettigrew told me you're excused from classes today," she said, climbing up onto the window seat next to him.

"You sh--should be going to Charms," he said, glancing at the clock above the door.

"Nope. I'm skipping Charms."

His jaw dropped. "Lily--"

"What?" she demanded, eyes blazing. "I don't know what happened last night but you obviously went through something distressing. I mean, if you _want_ to be alone I'll go."

He thought about it for a few seconds then went back to hugging his pillow. "You can stay. If you want."

They sat in silence for a bit, watching clouds drift by. Lily scooted closer. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He licked his lips nervously then told her the same thing he had told the Marauders last night, then had to also explain to her that Dedenne didn't like his father because she had never been told _that_ lie, and then explained to her that's why she treated him the way she did in class. Then more of the story came out: his poor grades. He wound up showing her some of his homework.

"What?!" Lily shuffled through his essays, a look of horror etched on her face. "Remus, these are _amazing_! These should be--be Os! Not... A _D_!? She glared at one of the papers. "How is this a D? I got an O on this essay and it's no where _near_ as good as this. How come you never talked to Professor McGonagall before?"

_Because Dedenne's not wrong to hate me because of my curse_? "I d--don't know," he muttered, tugging at his sleeves, realizing with a flush of embarrassment that he was still in his pajamas as well as having dried blood on parts of him. "She's... a _teacher_. I g-guess I never thought to go to anyone about it." Despite all of McGonagall's kindness towards him he supposed deep down he had been afraid she would have dismissed it.

"You don't deserve these grades," she said, still looking through his homework. "Good God."

"I don't know what's g--going to happen in her class now," he said miserably. "I don't want to go at all."

"Maybe you don't need to?" She glanced up, forehead wrinkled with worry. "I'm sure Professor Dumbledore would understand."

"I c-can't avoid a _mandatory_ class for the rest of my time here!"

She slammed the papers down. "Well _I'm_ not going. In protest. We should all protest her. I'm sure the boys will agree with me too. I could get Cassie and Alice to agree too! I bet most of study group would as well, except probably Twycross and Craft but who cares about them."

He managed a smile, the first one since yesterday. "I appreciate that however I'd rather you not."

They both got off the window a moment later then Remus got the snacks Peter had left for him, splitting it with Lily for breakfast. They sat on the floor by his bed while they ate then she looked around the room, crinkling her nose up, commenting about how disgusting boys were.

"Our dorm is messy but at least we don't leave _underpants_ laying about," she said, eyeing a pair of boxers. "Who do those belong to?"

"I don't know."

"I bet they're Potter's. They've got brooms all over them."

Remus ducked his head, smiling again, a little relieved at the distraction from his anguish. "I don't know," he lied since they were indeed James's.

Lily got up, wandering around the room. "Whose are these?" she asked, poking a pair of Y-fronts with her shoe.

"Lily--"

"Are these yours?"

"NO!" He went brilliantly red. "I--I don't leave my personal clothes lying about." Now he went redder, having said _personal clothes_ to a girl.

"I don't either. Why are boys gross?"

He shrugged again, stretching his legs out. "No idea. It is gross though." He hated when they left their socks and underwear everywhere. It all _stunk_ so bad. He couldn't really tell this to them so he just tried his best to ignore the stench, which he suspected would only get worse as they got older. Ugh he couldn't imagine how the dorm would smell when they were all hormonal teenagers.

Lily sat back down next to him, picking up a licorice wand. "I'm glad I only share with Alice and Cassie."

"Oh, right," he said, not really realizing before there were seven Gryffindor girls so their dorm would have been split up. "Sometimes I wish we were split up."

"Oh?"

"Spinnet doesn't like me," he said. "Doesn't like Sirius either. Or James. It's just a little rough having to deal with that." He wondered what it would be like once he cut the Marauders out of his life, sharing a dorm with them still.

"I'm glad I don't have to share with Twycross," Lily giggled. Remus made gagging noises which made her giggle more. "I mean, she's not so bad, she's just so... so..."

"Snobby?"

"Yeah." Lily pointed the licorice wand towards James's bed. "So can Potter."

"James isn't a snob," Remus said protectively. Lily rolled her eyes at him. "O--okay, yeah, he can be."

"That is his underwear, isn't it?" Remus just popped some candy in his mouth, not answering. "Can I ask you something? I don't know if you'll know but..."

"What is it?"

She gave him a wide-eyed look. "How come girls can come up to the boys' side but boys can't go up the girls' side?"

"Because people back in the tenth century were completely sexist and for some reason no headmaster or headmistress has changed that?" He tilted his head. "Or so I'm guessing."

"It's dumb."

"It is," he agreed. "Maybe you could become a headmistress and change it."

She put her head on his shoulder. It was slightly blech to him but not as bad as the hug so he could handle it. "I don't know if teaching is my thing. It's yours though."

"Wha--?? No! I don't--"

"Professor Lupin."

"Sh--shut up!"

"Headmaster."

He gave a loud snort. "Yeah right."

"It could _happen_," she said, nudging him.

"Mmm." He didn't say anything else, not wanting to argue. Instead he cautiously put his head against hers. No flare up of itchiness or discomfort. Actually, it felt... kinda nice. He closed his eyes and after a moment wound up falling asleep. He stirred a bit when she moved her head, his falling against her shoulder now, going back to sleep. He woke up a bit later when she had to go to Herbology. He apologized for falling asleep against her but she didn't care.

"I spent the time reading," she said, indicating one of his books she had picked up. "You probably needed your sleep."

"Probably," he yawned, rubbing his eyes. "I'll see you later."

After she left he figured he should get a shower, because he hadn't gotten cleaned up at all since the night before. He still could smell dried sweat and blood on himself. So he took a long, hot shower (mostly wallowing in self-pity and misery) until all he could smell was his soap and shampoo. He retreated back to his dorm, changing his sheets, then burrowed under the bed with a blanket.

Just as he was about to fall asleep someone knocked at the door. He ignored it but whoever it was kept knocking then he leapt out of bed when he heard Professor McGonagall's voice. He ran over, opening the door with a little bit of fear. "H--hello Professor," he said, backing away as she came in. "Um..." He nearly asked if his friends did something then kept quiet, since he had the feeling it was to do with him.

Sure enough, as soon as the door shut she asked, "Are you doing all right?"

"Um..." He glanced around then down at the ground. "Yes, ma'am, I--"

"Remus, it is okay if you aren't," she cut him off. "I wouldn't expect anyone to be okay after such a--a horrible thing."

Remus swallowed then slowly shook his head. "N--not really. I--I'm still... it--it hurt... but--but she--she wasn't--lying--"

McGonagall closed the space between them and her arms went around him in a hug. "I refuse you listen to you trying to defend her. What she said was _wrong_. Do you understand me?" She pulled back, hands on his shoulders as she stared very sternly into his face. "It was completely wrong of her to say those things. She was supposed to be your teacher, regardless of her feelings towards werewolves she was your _teacher_, and as teachers we are supposed to be taking care of you." Her hand lifted to stroke his hair. "You're not a monster."

Remus had been managing to hold back tears until these words. "I--I--I am--"

"No, you're not," she said firmly. "You're not a monster, you don't deserve to be locked away, and you're not a danger to your friends. All right? You're a boy, a _child_. You're a kind, intelligent, talented, good young man. Not a monster. You're not wrong for existing, Remus."

He stared up at her for a few seconds then he was in her arms again; she held him as he cried. He couldn't quite believe her words, though out of everyone in the entire school she'd be the one he'd most likely believe. It was like a war in his head. Professor McGonagall--the most incredible witch in the entire universe--said all this? It went against everything he knew. She had come all the way here to make sure he was all right, and to tell him this.

He still felt like a monster, but McGonagall did help dampen down what Dedenne said.

*

After McGonagall left he returned to bed, sleeping on and off, and right when he was getting hungry again the door banged open. He peeped out, surprised to see the Marauders. The clock clearly stated 12:45. "What are you doing?" he asked, climbing out from under the bed, sitting down on the edge of it. "You only have fifteen minutes to get to Defense."

"No we don't," Peter said, plopping down next to Remus and putting a plate of food in his lap.

"Um, yes you do."

"No. We really don't," Sirius said, sitting on the edge of his bed across from Remus. James sat down next to him, grinning. They were _both_ grinning. So was Peter.

"Is something going on?" he asked, narrowing his eyes as he studied his friends.

"Ohhhh something is most definitely going on," snickered James.

Then, silence. Remus sighed. "Are you going to tell me or am I supposed to guess?"

"Announcement at lunch from ol' Dumbles," Sirius said, sticking his finger in the air. "All Defense Against the Dark Arts classes are hereby cancelled."

Remus stared in disbelief. "Wh--what? Wait, _what_?!"

"There are _rumors_ going around," James said excitedly. "First of all, she wasn't present for classes in the morning. None of the students have seen her, as far as we can tell. Some say she quit, some say she got fired."

"One of the biggest rumors is she hexed a student," Sirius said.

"Well, the biggest rumor is--" Peter began but James threw Sirius's pillow at him. He yelped, getting smacked right in the face.

"What's the biggest rumor?" Remus asked.

"Nothing," James and Sirius both said while Pete looked guilty.

His stomach began churning with fear. "Um. D--does it involve... me?" he asked, voice cracking. Nobody said anything which confirmed it. "Oh. Merlin. Wh--what are th--they saying?!" Did Dedenne... tell the students? Tell someone? Was his secret out?! "T--tell me!" he squeaked when they were _still_ silent.

"Some kids think it has something to do with you," James finally said, fiddling with his glasses, avoiding Remus's frightened gaze. "Since you went missing last night. Right after detention with her."

"What are they saying?" he asked again.

"That's about it," Sirius told him lightly. "Just that you were involved."

"Do you think it _is_?" Peter asked. "Not--cause of the argument but because she's been so unfair to you?" He looked at Remus curiously. "Maybe Dumbledore _fired_ her for that?"

"As well he should!" James grumbled.

Remus looked down at the plate of food. It looked appetizing but he felt more sick than hungry now. "I don't know. I doubt it. Maybe she had a family emergency." What was going on? She said some awful things, yes, but--but surely that wasn't grounds for being _fired_, was it? He _wasn't_ a normal student. Dedenne _wasn't_ just saying stuff out of thin air, everything she said had a ring of truth to it; even with Professor McGonagall disagreeing so intensely it seemed strange. So... what was going on?

"Remy..." Sirius slid off his bed, going over to sit next to him, hand gently pressing against his back. "Did she curse you?"

"No... I t--told you..."

"You got a random nosebleed," he said flatly. "Honestly?"

"Y-yes!"

"No curses? She didn't _hit_ you did she?"

Remus was aghast now. "No! She--she never touched me! Or used a spell on me! No. N--nothing like that." He looked wildly around, realizing they didn't quite believe him. "It w-w-was just a nosebleed!" The last thing he needed was everyone to think Dedenne had punched him in the nose. Well. No. The last thing he needed was his secret getting out, but rumors of a teacher punching him was pretty close. "No one's saying _that_ are they?"

Silence.

"_Are they_?!"

"Um." James began messing with his glasses again. "Well. We weren't the only ones who saw you with blood on your face apparently. You ran by a couple other students. When the rumor got out you were involved cause of going missing, whoever else saw you yesterday began saying that. Um, that you were all bloody. So I think a couple students are. Saying that."

Remus gave a wail, covering his face.

"It'll be all right," Sirius said, hand returning to Remus's back.

"No! It's _not_! I don't want anyone--anyone t-talking about me! Or involving me! Or--or _looking_ at me!" What if the papers got hold of this? What if they published an article about Dedenne punching a kid named _Lupin_?! His parents would see and... "Merlin. Merlin. Merlin." He realized after a second he was saying this out loud. He got up (the plate of food crashing to the floor) and began pacing.

"Remus...!"

"I--I didn't have anything t-to do with this!" he moaned into his hands. Except, of course he did. Her disappearing after all of this, it was because of him, it had to be--but why?! _Was_ Dumbledore firing her because of him? "I--I have to go. I have to go see--Dumbledore--and ask--" He started to leave but Peter dashed over, grabbing him. "L--let go, I need to see him!"

"I _know_ but you're still in pajamas," Peter said, tugging him back into the dorm. "And no shoes."

*

Remus got dressed then went to Dumbledore's office. He wasn't sure what the password was this time around so he had to wait, pacing back and forth. Finally one of his ghost friends drifted by and he managed to convince him to go get the Headmaster. Soon the gargoyle moved, and Remus was able to go up to Dumbledore's office. His legs were shaky as he went, scared to do this.

"Come in!" Dumbledore called before he even knocked on the door.

Remus took in a deep breath and went in. The office hadn't changed since he was last there. He crept over to the desk where Dumbledore was sitting, waiting until he was told to sit to actually take a seat. He wasn't sure how to ask about the rumors or why Defense had been canceled so he sat there in silence for an awkward amount of time, staring blankly at Dumbledore--or at least, his beard--too embarrassed to look him properly in the face.

"Have you come to chat or merely admire my beard?" Dumbledore asked.

Remus jumped. "Oh. Er. Yes. I mean. No. I mean. I--I had a--a question. About... w--well... um... the M--I mean, J--James, Sirius, and P-Pete t-told me about the announcement. You made. At lunch, I mean. About... um... D--Defense Against the Dark Arts class."

Dumbledore nodded slowly. "If you've come to confirm it, yes. Defense Against the Dark Arts _is_ cancelled for the remainder of the term."

"Wh--why?" Remus whispered.

"Because we no longer have a teacher for the position," Dumbledore replied calmly.

Remus winced, shrinking back into the seat, wanting to throw up. "Why?" he whispered.

"_Why_?" Dumbledore gave him a rather quizzical look. "I'd think of all the students here you'd understand _why_, Mr. Lupin."

He wrapped his arms around his middle, bending forward. "M... me?" he forced out while also trying to keep the bile in.

"I won't lie to you. Yes, it is because of you."

"Oh Merlin." He squeezed his eyes shut. He got a teacher fired. For simply telling the truth. Perhaps--she hadn't been _fair_ but he never intended _this_ to be the result.

"Remus."

He should have just... stood there and taken in the filth she had spewed at him and not let it get to him. If he hadn't run off none of this would have happened. He got a teacher _fired_. It was all his fault. Because of what he was.

He jerked his chin up. "You--I'm--I'm sorry," he gasped out. "I'm sorry. Please. You--you sh-shouldn't fire her. I--I'm not coming back anyway. I won't. I know I don't belong here."

"Remus--"

"She--she was right. I'm just a danger. It isn't--isn't right for something like me to be--be given precedence over a _human_. It's--"

"REMUS!" Dumbledore shouted, sending him into terrified silence. "Calm _down_. You have _every_ right to be here. I told you before, last summer. You should be here at Hogwarts. You _do_ belong here. I won't have any of this rubbish about not belonging. I don't know how you've convinced yourself of that but I never want to hear it again, understand? Furthermore," he went on, not even giving Remus a chance to respond (not that he would ever admit that his mother constantly wrote to him that he didn't belong at Hogwarts), "I have _not_ fired Professor Dedenne. She's chosen to leave of her own volition." Something about the way he spoke made Remus suspect there was more to it than just that. "She feels this is not the career for her. She's already left, as a matter of fact. However there is no need for you to worry as she has no memory of your secret."

Remus blinked, body trembling. "What?"

"The fact you are a werewolf has been erased from her memory," he said, pressing his fingertips together. "She remembers blowing up at a student although isn't sure which one, and knows she left by her own free will due to her--mmm--temper."

No more Dedenne. He--couldn't believe it. Plus she didn't know he was a werewolf anymore. No risk of her telling anyone. Everything had just been... wiped clean... He was absolutely stunned.

"Now. What's this about you not returning next term?"

Remus swallowed heavily, eyes going back to his lap as he began plucking at the hem of his shirt. "I--I was just... No. I mean, yes. Er. I'll be returning. I just thought... perhaps... I _shouldn't_... but I will..."

"Good. Actually, now that I have you here, there is another matter I wished to speak to you about." Suddenly his face got very grim, and Remus felt afraid again. "I just want to implore you to be _careful_. With your... friends. Misters Black, Pettigrew, and Potter. I've noticed you've become rather close with them and while I am very happy to see that you have such good--albeit very mischievous--companions, I wish to impress upon you the need to keep some distance."

"I understand," Remus said, relieved that's all it was about. "I am very careful."

"I'm glad to hear that." Dumbledore stood up, motioning for Remus to follow him to the door which he did. "Have a good day, Mr. Lupin, and enjoy the rest of the term."

Remus left his office, went down a few corridors, then slumped down in a window, completely shocked by all of this.

No more Dedenne.

Then suddenly he began laughing rather crazily, remembering the bet he had made with James. _Looks like I'm doing some of his summer homework_, he thought then got up, walking back to the common room as if in a fog. Not the numb, blackened, horrible fog like the night before, but a confused, dazed sort of fog. It just all felt so utterly _unreal_.


	93. Chapter Ninety-Two - Hoovering

Fawley hadn't been informed any of what happened so the next day before they began Remus told her everything, then showed her the memory of Dedenne completely snapping. Fawley's jaw clenched, the muscles flexing a little as fury radiated from her body.

"I am _so_ sorry, Remus," she said, struggling to keep her voice under control. "You didn't deserve that. I know perfectly well you _feel_ like you did, however you didn't." She stroked his hair gently. "You're not a danger to anyone. You're a _good_ werewolf. Understand?"

He shrugged. "I... guess..." He wasn't, but whatever.

"I am so sorry I didn't realize how she was sooner..." Fawley pressed her fingertips against her eyes. "I knew she wasn't fond of you but I didn't know the extent of things, you never... shared this with me, and I never saw much in your memories to raise any warning flags. I should have seen this. I am sorry."

He promised her it was fine because really it wasn't her fault at all. He didn't understand why she was apologizing.

Of course the rumors were still flying that Remus had been involved in Dedenne's termination. He calmly denied this, then started saying that if he could get a teacher to leave it would have been Binns. Taking the mick worked wonders, and the rumors began dying down. After a few days everyone moved on to something else. Except for Remus who carried everything in his head like a weight, guilt and nausea constantly eating away at his insides.

Study group kept trying to get him to tell what happened. Why he had gone missing. He just said he hadn't been feeling great that day, that he had gotten a letter from home saying his mother was ill again, just... as many lies as he could. That didn't really satisfy Craft so Remus avoided the library for a while, figuring he might as well spend more time with the Marauders while he could.

They were still gearing up for Operation BounceIt. Remus had found a spiderweb spell so he and Sirius were practicing it one evening while the other two were in detention, shooting rather feeble webbing all over the dorm until Sirius started shooting it at Remus. Remus yelped and shot the webbing back but Sirius had gotten the upper hand; soon Remus was covered in the sticky stuff, hardly able to move, feeling a bit sorry for insects who got caught in proper spider webs.

"Thanks, Shelob," Remus said when Sirius freed him.

"Shelob?"

"Never mind."

"Sorry," he laughed. "I couldn't resist. This would be fun to duel with. Next year when we break into the Slytherin dorm we should fill Snape's room with the stuff."

"Break in...?" Remus peeled bits of web off his face before moving on to his arms. "You've got a plan, then?"

"Yeah. Once James--" He stopped himself, biting his bottom lip. "Well, we have a plan."

"When James what?"

Sirius glanced at the door then back at Remus. "I shouldn't say. I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. He doesn't want to jinx himself, you know? If he talks about it, maybe his father won't give it to him."

"Give _what_ to him?"

"Nothing." Sirius got some webbing out of Remus's hair which sent a strange shiver down Remus's spine, probably just because of the close proximity. "All right, I probably did too much. Webs, I mean."

Remus just grunted as he started picking stuff off his midriff. "You definitely made a mess. We have to clean the floors, too." His eyes swept around the room, taking in all the white. "Um. The whole dorm, really."

"Eh, call the house-elves," said Sirius, wiping his hands off on his trousers. "That's what they're there for."

"What, cleaning up _your_ messes?" Remus asked incredulously.

"_Yeah_?" Sirius frowned. "What about yours, then? What does it do if not clean up after you?"

Remus blinked a few times. "My... house-elf...?" Sirius nodded. "I don't _have_ one."

"Wh--what?"

"I don't have a house-elf, Sirius! I--I live in a tiny cottage! My--" He stopped, averting his gaze, not wanting to highlight how poor his family was. Maybe his father's family had a house-elf somewhere but _they_ certainly didn't.

"Then... who cleans your house?"

"For Merlin's sake. My mother? Me?"

"You?!" Sirius looked shocked. "What? You--clean your house?"

"_Yes_!"

"But... you can't use magic out of school?" Sirius looked so confused it almost made Remus want to laugh.

"Noooo," he said slowly. "I clean the _Muggle_ way." It was embarrassing to admit all this but almost worth it to see the absolute shock on Sirius's face. His jaw dropped and his eyes bugged out.

"You... clean the... _Muggle_ way? Like... how we have to in _detention_?!"

"Yes," Remus said, moving away from him so he could start picking up some of the bigger pieces of webbing. "With my hands. Sweeping. Dishes. Hoovering."

Sirius began helping with the webbing, pausing to stare at his hands as if he couldn't imagine Remus doing that. "Hoovering? That doesn't sound like a real thing. Now you're making stuff up."

"No, it's like--vacuuming. A Muggle machine that sucks up dirt off the rugs."

"Why not just use a...."

"A what?" Remus smiled as Sirius went a little pink. "A spell?"

Sirius opted not to answered that. "Muggles really have a thing that sucks dirt up?"

"Yes."

"Blimey." Sirius got some more webbing, throwing it into the bin. "Where does the dirt go? When it's sucked up?"

"A bag, inside the machine. Then you throw the bag away, and put in a new one. Except, my dad usually just vanishes the insides so we can reuse bags." He stopped quickly, hoping Sirius wouldn't see his face. He really felt uncomfortable talking about just how poor they were. Reusing vacuum bags to save money. "Anyway. Yeah. Maybe you should take Muggle Studies in our third year. Learn something about them."

"Maybe," Sirius said rather dubiously. "Just sounds to me like you're living in constant detention."

That really irked Remus. He turned around, scowling. "It's not. It's just... a different lifestyle than yours."

Sirius gave him a sheepish look in return. "Yeah, you're right. I--I shouldn't've said that."

"It's okay."

"You think _Peter_ has to clean his house too?"

"Possibly."

"Do _all_ half-and-halfs have to?"

Remus gave a loud groan, head beginning to hurt. "I don't _know_. It--it probably depends on their family dynamics. My--my father is the one who works, so my mother takes care of the house. And I help. Both of Peter's parents work, don't they? You'd have to ask him how they do the household chores."

He did, once the others returned from detention. Peter explained that the chores were split between everyone who lived in the house--himself including. His mother did most the work, being magic, though his father and grandfather did plenty of chores too, and he did help out. Sirius asked him if he hoovered and Peter laughed saying of course he did. James asked what hoover meant and Sirius actually somewhat remembered what Remus said, though he described it as being a giant bag that sucked in dirt from everywhere. Remus cut in explaining what vacuum cleaners really were. James seemed quite amazed.

"Maybe sometime we can come visit you, and you can show us this machine," he suggested.

"Maybe," Remus replied pleasantly.

Peter elbowed Remus. "Wait till they find out about washing machines."

Both half-and-halfs bust up laughing while the purebloods looked very bewildered. It was the first time since everything happened with Dedenne several days ago that he really laughed, and it felt so good.

*

It was _very_ weird not going to Defense. Suddenly they had almost every single afternoon free except for Thursday. On Friday, after lunch, they went back out to Fort Dragon. Not only to work on their fort but also to practice for Operation BounceIt. They turned a section of ground into bounciness and spent their time playing a one-on-one game trying to get the other to fall. Remus lost every time with his crap balance, but still had a lot of fun. Whenever he wasn't battling he was practicing the webbing spells, sending thick spider webs all over nearby trees. He hoped it wouldn't upset the centaurs.

On Saturday (the last Saturday of their first year, Remus realized at breakfast) they couldn't go to the Forbidden Forest because it was raining pretty hard.

"This is our last weekend!" James complained when they got back to their dorm. "This is crap. Unfair. It's supposed to rain tomorrow too."

"We could explore more of the school," suggested Peter.

"I wanted to work on Fort Dragon," James pouted.

They wound up exploring the school because what else did they have to do? They actually brought some parchment because James suggested they start writing down locations of secret passages plus passwords.

"What if someone else finds it?" Remus asked as they went down one of their well-used passages.

"We'll do it in code, then," James said. "We'll make up a Marauder code. Remy, you're Brains, you come up with a code."

"Remus doesn't have to do _everything_," Sirius said, surprising everyone.

"He doesn't do everything," James replied haughtily. "Just the Brainy stuff. I mean, remember? Brains? Brawn? Blithe? Beauty? That was all _you_, Sirius. Sorry. I mean, Beeeeauuuty!"

Sirius thwacked James's arm rather hard while James laughed. "Yeah, but that doesn't mean he's gotta do _everything_ when it comes to the brainy stuff."

"Um, I--I d-don't mind," Remus muttered. "I can do it over the summer."

James beamed. "See?" He put his arm around Remus, half-hugging him. "_Thank _you, Brains."

"Anytime, er, Brawns..."

They began exploring parts of the school they hadn't checked out before, paying close attention to the walls, statues, tapestries, looking for possible secret entrances. Peter wrote down every spot James and Sirius though there might be a secret entrance. Remus actually found one himself, though it was one known to staff since the reason he found it was because one particular tapestry smelled strongly of Filch and his stupid cat. He pulled it back to find a wall. Frowning, he tried pushing it aside the other way. Still empty. Then he lifted it up from below and lo and behold an entrance. He couldn't tell them it smelled like Filch so they just went down, excited to find a new place to explore. It actually let out somewhat near Filch's office (which explained why it had such a strong scent).

In the afternoon they sat outside the Great Hall, quietly discussing the final touches of Operation BounceIt. If all four of them disappeared it would be suspicious. They figured probably two at most could slip out. It would have to be right near the end, otherwise anyone needing a bathroom break would find it.

"Whichever two of us leaves, though, will be blamed for the whole thing," Peter pointed out, knowing perfectly well he wouldn't be one of the ones performing the spell.

"What about a distraction?" suggested Sirius. "Remus is best with the webbing, I'm as good as James with the spongify. James, what if you and Pete do a distraction? We can slip out."

James rubbed his chin, eyes narrowed. "Yee-ees," he drew out. "That would be a great idea. Fireworks? We have _some_ left. I was planning on using them Friday night _after_ the feast but we can do them at the feast."

"We can sit at the very end, near the doors," said Remus. "That way you can set them off--aim them sorta towards the teachers' table so everyone's looking over there, then Sirius and I can slip out." It was still a pretty big risk. His stomach hurt just thinking about it, but it was also rather exciting. What could the teachers do? The Cup winner would already be announced (and most likely be Hufflepuff; Gryffindor was pretty much lagging behind everyone thanks to James and Sirius) and they'd be leaving the next day so no detention.

"We should practice being as fast as we possibly can," Sirius told Remus.

So off they went, working on doing the spongify and webbing spells quickly. It was tiring... but they managed to do things pretty quickly. Hopefully quickly enough.

*

Sunday was indeed very rainy so once again the day was spent exploring as well as practicing for BounceIt. Then on Monday they got their exam results back.

There were so many owls at breakfast, dropping envelopes into the laps of students, official Hogwarts crests on them. Up and down the tables came cries of joy, cries of upset, and various other noises along those lines.

James ripped his open right away. "Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah," he said, scanning down the paper. "Looks like I'll be going into my second year!" He gave a loud laugh. "As if that's a surprise."

Sirius opened his next. "Same," he said, not even looking at all his grades, only looking at the bottom line. He let the paper fall to the table, going back to his breakfast.

Peter and Remus looked at each other. "Y--you first," Peter said.

"Um. O--okay." Remus nervously opened his, stomach swooping in great circles. His hands shook a little as he finally got the envelope open except then he couldn't seem to get the paper out. He dropped the envelope twice then suddenly Sirius took it from him, yanking the paper out.

"Merlin!" Sirius exclaimed in horror.

"Wh-what?!" Remus cried out.

"Just as I thought," Sirius said in a bleak tone. He set the paper down, staring intently at Remus who was shaking with fear. "You, Remus Lupin... are a total _nerd_." He shoved the paper over to him. "You passed everything, idiot. Well, I guess not idiot."

Remus seized the paper, eyes going wide as he read through all his grades. Os, almost all the way across except for an E in Defense (barely), and an A in Potions, just shy of an E according to the percent number!! He got _over_ 100% in History and Transfigure--wait. What?

"Hang on, th--this can't be right." He squinted, leaning in close. "No. This--this isn't right." He checked the top of the paper. His name was there. _Remus John Lupin, First Year, Gryffindor_. But-- "This _isn't_ correct."

"What? What's wrong with it?" James asked, stuffing half a muffin into his mouth.

Remus looked up at the teachers' table. "Um. I--I need to talk to McGonagall. This isn't right. Um, excuse me." He got up, not even aware of half the student body watching him walk directly to the teachers. All he could think was _wrong, wrong, wrong_! "P--Professor?" he asked meekly, approaching McGonagall. "Um, I'm--I'm sorry for interrupting your breakfast... but I think there's been some sort of mistake with my--my exam results?"

Next to McGonagall, Professor Flitwick looked rather amused. McGonagall just raised one eyebrow. "What is the problem, Mr. Lupin? Is it your Potions score?"

"N--no. Um. My--my Defense. Um." He set the paper down, suddenly aware of how many eyes were on him. Shoot. He should have done this later, in private. "This can't be--be right. I've _barely_ been p--pulling As. Mostly Ps and Ds."

McGonagall pushed the paper back towards him. "There's no mistake, Mr. Lupin. These are your exam results. Frankly, if I had my way we would have gone back and rechecked _all_ your test results as well as give you the practical exams again however--" She quickly stopped herself. "In any case, congratulations on such good grades." Her eyes flickered to Flitwick then back to Remus. "Certainly one of the top first years."

Remus looked down at the paper. Dedenne hadn't graded his exams. She left before they could be. Someone else had done it. His overall percentage was pretty low because of all the failures Dedenne gave him however his exam grade... but even so, his written exams had been so good it pulled his final grade to an E.

"I--I see," he whispered, pulling the paper close. "Th-thank you, Professor. Sorry to have b-bothered you."

He slunk back to the table, brilliantly red especially when his friends asked him what that had been about. He told them and they all pat his back, congratulating him, telling him they _knew_ he deserved better grades in that class. While he was gone Peter had gotten his paper out. One D, two Ps, three As, and one E.

"Congratulations!" Remus said when he saw the E Pete had gotten in Potions.

"At l-least I won't be held back," Peter sighed. "I have some extra summer homework I need to do for History, Astronomy, and Charms." He indicated the three failing grades.

"I'll help you," Remus said without thinking.

"Annnnd you'll be helping me," James said, eyes going big. "We made that bet!"

"Yes, we did," Remus said, smiling at him. "I will."

"Help me too?" Sirius asked, fluttering his eyelashes. "I don't wanna be left out."

Remus just sighed, hoping he would be able to hide all the letters coming for him over the summer.

*

The last week slipped by. Hardly anyone paid attention in class, the teachers didn't seem like they were in the mood to be strict, and the Marauders--well, Sirius and Remus--worked hard on perfecting being super fast with the spells for BounceIt. Remus went to the library on Monday night but only Silverlocke was there. Apparently no one else felt the need to continue with study group. Remus joined him, and Silverlocke smiled, looking rather happy at having company. Remus decided he'd go in on the other nights he could (Wednesday and Thursday).

Tuesday night was the last night of Occlumency for two months. Remus felt a little sad, knowing he wouldn't see Fawley for a long time. He managed to put up a little bit of pressure, got a pretty nasty headache, then hugged her goodbye.

"I hope you have a good summer, Miss Fawley," he said when they stepped back. "Thank you for everything."

"Feel free to write to me if you need anything," she said, patting his head. "And continue to practice emptying yourself. I don't want to come back in September to find you back to how you were at the beginning of our practicing."

"I will. I mean, you won't. I mean..."

Fawley laughed. "Have a good summer too, Remus."

*

Thursday was clear and dry enough that they were able to go to the forest after Potions, figuring this would probably be the last time they'd be going to Fort Dragon until autumn. They didn't build, practice, or anything like that, they just sort of hung out. They still needed to make a door on the proper fort so it was off to the side for now.

"Can't believe this is it," Peter said, stretched out on top of the rock. "Saturday we _go home_."

"Or leave home," Sirius muttered under his breath so softly that Remus knew he was the only one who heard. He wanted to reach out to try to comfort him, but kept his hands to himself. _Is it that bad_? he wondered, having a difficult time understanding how someone could see this as leaving home. He--loved Hogwarts very much and felt like it was home, but home was also with his parents.

Then Sirius added, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Two stupid months."

James reached over, taking his hand. "Even if we don't get to see each other I'll send about a _million_ letters, I promise."

Sirius smiled. "I will too."

"I think my favorite thing was the Bat-Bogey prank," Peter said.

James began laughing. "Yes, me too!"

"Same here," Sirius put in.

"Yes, that was definitely the best," agreed Remus. "It was in the newspaper."

"I can't believe our prank got in the _Daily Prophet_ that's just--" James stopped and let out a triumphant crooning sound, punching his fist in the air. "How many people can say _that_?"

"Imagine the pranks we'll be pulling _next_ year," said Sirius, spreading his hands out. "Bigger, better... umm... bogier."

"_Bogier_!" Peter laughed.

James tapped his wand against his chin. "I think we should make sure to do something big at different... feasts. Maybe not the starting feast but maybe for Halloween, before we leave for the Christmas holidays, before the Easter holidays... I'm gonna write down loads of ideas all summer."

"It's been a great year, though," Sirius mused.

James fell silent. "Yeah," he finally agreed. "I've been looking forward to Hogwarts _all_ my life but I never imagined it'd be _this_ brilliant. You three are definitely amazing. I'm so glad we became friends."

"Me too," said Pete. "_I_ never imagined I'd make friends like you guys."

_I never imagine I'd make friends period_, Remus thought, watching the leaves rustling above.

"I was expecting school to be _shit_," Sirius said as James began sending green sparks shooting off towards the trees. "Wish it didn't have to end. Man, wouldn't it be cool if we could stay here all summer?"

_Actually, it wouldn't be so bad if I could come back to the house in Hogsmeade_, Remus thought, kicking at the dragon rock. _Better than that small room_. He shuddered, not looking forward to Sunday night when he'd be locked up in the darkness.

"We'll have to hang out plenty over the summer anyway," Peter said brightly. "Surely there's gotta be a way we can. I _really_ don't wanna go _nine_ weeks without seeing you guys."

"At the _very_ least we can meet up in Diagon," suggested James.

Sirius and Remus, as always when it came to summer plans, remained silent. Remus just kept scuffing the toe of his trainer against the stone. James gave them both rather annoyed looks but neither said anything.

"Remus, when do you think would be good for you?" James pushed.

"No idea," he mumbled, looking down. "Depends. Um, we'll see."

Nobody talked for a moment and Remus thought he put a downer on the whole thing but then Peter began talking about some of the plans _he_ had with his family (he kept mentioning something about his grandfather and 'outdoors crap' but Remus wasn't sure exactly) then James talked about _his_ family plans (not much, apparently, since _his_ grandfather was pretty much on his deathbed; at first he didn't sound concerned but then Remus noticed a sad expression as James looked away so he thought maybe James was putting on a front that it wasn't bothering him).

"Any big family plans for you two?" Pete asked.

"Surviving," both of them said as the same time, then they looked at each other. Pete furrowed his brow as he glanced back and forth between them. Remus looked away from Sirius first, blushing slightly.

"Surviving?" Peter asked. "What do you mean?"

"My family can be... intense," Sirius finally said with a loud yawn.

Remus hugged his knees to his chest. "I tend to get sicker in the summer."

"I thought summer was good for you?" James asked.

_Did I say that_? He couldn't remember. "No, not usually. It's worse in the summer."

"Oh."

More silence. Then Sirius jumped to his feet, clapping his hands. "Come on, then, let's go find some Slytherins to have a final _bash_."

James grinned and the rest of them got up as well, going back to the school to trip up some Slytherins which was a lot better than talking about Sirius's intense family or Remus's illness. Remus kept eyeing Sirius, though, wondering what he had meant by that, what exactly went on in the Black family that Sirius had been smelling extremely anxious and upset since they started talking about their summers.


	94. Chapter Ninety-Three - School's Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I can't believe we're here already! The end of Book One!!! I'll be posting the first chapter (aka the prologue) for year two right after I post this chapter so please check out my profile for Book Two to start reading his second year! Thank you so so much everyone who has given me so much support and love throughout this it's really been amazing. ;o; It's been quite a journey and I really hope y'all have enjoyed it as much as I have! I also really hope that everyone enjoys Book Two just as much!

Then it was Friday. Herbology was the last class of the day for the first year Gryffindors, then they had the entire afternoon ahead of them before the feast... before BounceIt. Remus felt rather jittery as the time grew closer, still excited, also very nervous. Peter was rather twitchy while Sirius kept running his fingers through his hair. Only James seemed confident they wouldn't get caught. This wasn't as fun a prank as the bat-bogey one but... hopefully it'd be their biggest one. If they could get away with the bat-bogey one and the Valentine's prank, James said, they could get away with this one.

The Great Hall was decked out in yellow and black, and Dumbledore announced that Hufflepuff had won the House Cup. The badgers all cheered wildly while most the lions glared at James and Sirius who pretended like they didn't care.

"We definitely could have won if it wasn't for you two," Inkwood said rather darkly.

"Honestly!" Lily agreed. "You two lost us the cup."

"La dee da!" James retorted while Sirius gave a two finger salute along with a raspberry. "There are more important things than _points_. Like, _having fun_. Which _I_ had in _aboundance_ this year, thank you very much!" He gave a nod then bent in close to Remus whispering, "Did I use that word right?"

"Er, almost," replied Remus. "It's abundance."

"Ooh, right, yeah."

About fifteen minutes before Dumbledore would make his final speech, James and Peter set off the rockets. They whizzed through the air, exploding over the high table. Remus and Sirius quickly slipped out the door as quietly as they could, hoping nobody would notice them. Immediately they began working. Remus shot out the webbing spell all over the ceiling and walls, while Sirius worked on spongifying the floor. They worked hard and fast, getting quite sweaty before heading back in. The rockets were still going off so most the attention was on there. They got back into their seats, giving low fives to each other.

Once the rockets died down Dumbledore gave a small speech about another year gone, how he hoped everyone enjoyed their time there, congratulated all the seventh years on their graduation, then the feast was over.

The results weren't as spectacular as the four had hoped, but they were still pretty great. Almost immediately there were shrieks from outside the doors which made more students hurry to go see what was going on, which meant _more_ shrieking. Too many students hung back, not really joining in on the bouncing fun, but there were plenty who did go out. The four Marauders hopped up, trying to look. They caught a glimpse of a couple students stuck up on the ceiling in the webbing. James covered his mouth, trying not to laugh. They could hear students bouncing, yelping as they went, some cursing.

Then Sirius gave a gasp. He yanked the other three close, telling them his idea, then he and Pete began grabbing stuff off the nearest table. Because of the crowd nobody really saw them as they put various dishes down on the ground where James and Remus promptly began transfiguring them into mice which promptly took off into the crowd.

There were screams of surprise and some fear, then a surge towards the door, pushing _more_ students out into BounceIt. That was about as much as the Marauders could take as they finally gave in to their laughter.

"Remus?" Lily pushed her way over. "Is this their fault?!"

"Why must you think the worst of us all the time?" James asked, adjusting his glasses.

"Because there's no _best_ about you at all!" she said. "You did do this, didn't you?"

"I can assure you I have not set foot outside the Great Hall since the feast began," James said, putting a hand over his heart. Lily's eyes immediately went to Sirius.

"What makes you think we did anything?" he asked, grinning broadly. "There's literally _hundreds_ of other students in this castle."

"Yes but when something happens it's you two, always it's you two!" she snapped. "You are going to be in so much trouble!"

"We didn't DO anything!" James snarled right back.

"You're a liar!" She turned and huffed off to her friends while James and Sirius both made rude gestures at her back.

The teachers were trying to get everyone under control, shouting orders for the students to _please back away from the doors_! Finally kids began obeying the orders, coming back into the Great Hall. As the crowd thinned, they could see out into the hallway, at the students still bouncing around, at the students stuck up in the webbing. One boy was flipped completely upside down, face going a bit purple. Remus shoved his fist in his mouth to stop from laughing more.

"Bloody _brilliant_!" hissed Sirius, falling against James.

They backed away as well, not wanting to be the only ones there. McGonagall and Flitwick got to the doorway and right away both of them turned to eye James and Sirius who put on their most innocent faces possible. Then they began working. First they returned the floor to its normal state, slowing down the falling students so they wouldn't smack stone. Next they got the students down from the webbing, drifting them down to the floor.

"Next year we'll have to do something in here, so we can better see the results," James whispered. Sirius and Peter both nodded in agreement.

Finally the hallway was back to normal except for bits of webbing still in some corners. Everyone began heading back to their common rooms but McGonagall apprehended James and Sirius as they tried to leave. She waved Remus and Peter on, so the two reluctantly left their friends, not sure what else to do.

"Least she doesn't blame _us_," Peter murmured.

"I wonder what she's even going to do?" Remus looked over his shoulder just before they went up the stairs, seeing McGonagall's finger in James's face. "We leave tomorrow."

"Maybe they'll have detention when we come back!"

"They'd like _that_."

On the second floor Remus took Peter to Myrtle's bathroom because he wanted to say goodbye to her, figuring he wouldn't have time the next day. He had already said goodbye to his other ghost friends. Theodore and the Fat Friar the evening before, and Sir Nicholas at lunch. As soon as they went in he could hear Myrtle sobbing loudly. He called her name a few times, tapping at her stall door.

"Oh, hullo," she said, popping out of the stall, ghostly tears falling. Then she glared at Peter. "Oh. You're not the good-looking one."

Peter gave Remus a 'really?!' stare. "Um, this is my friend Peter."

Myrtle completely ignored Peter. "How come you didn't bring the good-looking one?"

"Erm, ah, well," he mumbled, "I came by to say goodbye, and see you in the autumn."

Myrtle's eyebrows shot up. "You actually thought to say goodbye to _me_?"

"Of course."

She floated close to him, sending cold chills through his body as her arm bumped into his. "That's so _kind_ of you. Not everyone's as nice as _you_ are, Naughty Boy." She'd been calling him that since helping out with the alibi for the Valentine prank. "You _will_ come see me when you come back? You won't forget about me over the summer?"

"I promise I won't forget you," he said solemnly.

She giggled and then flew up to the top of her stall, perching there. "You better not, Naughty Boy."

They left the bathroom and almost immediately Pete went, "_Not_ the good-looking one?!"

Remus tried not to grin. "She's got a bit of a crush on--"

"Sirius," he grumbled. "Yeah, I figured. But really? _Not_ the good-looking one? What kind've--stupid description is that? 'Oh he's not the good-looking one'. Hmph."

Remus pat his shoulder "Look on the bright side of things. I bet Sirius never got _his_ finger kissed by a second year girl."

Peter scowled then slowly nodded, mollified. "Yeah. You're right about that."

As it turned out all Sirius and James got was a severe lecture as well as letters sent home to their parents. McGonagall had been livid, not believing them when they insisted they were innocent. She made it clear she knew perfectly well the fireworks had been a distraction. She also asked if they had involved 'the other two'. They just adamantly denied doing the prank at all so 'how could Remy and Petey be part of it too?'. At the very least McGonagall seemed to think Remus and Peter were innocent.

"You're so lucky," James told Remus as he began stripping off. "You just seem so innocent so you get away with stuff we couldn't."

"Probably because he's like a puppy," Sirius said with a smirk. "Really small with big eyes. Just, too cute."

"I--I am n-not a _puppy_!" Remus protested angrily.

"Anyway, guess that's it then," James said, ignoring Sirius and Remus both. "Once the feast is over, no more getting into big trouble. That's good to know."

Remus had a bad feeling about _that_.

Spinnet and Struthers came to the dorm shortly after, Spinnet complaining loudly. He had been one of the victims, having bounced around the hall a lot before getting caught in some of the webbing. He shouted at James and Sirius for quite a bit, telling them they were absolute idiots, and he didn't understand why they weren't _expelled_ by this point.

"You get away with EVERYTHING! It's not RIGHT!"

Then Spinnet stormed out to get a shower to get webs out of his hair. Struthers said he agreed with Spinnet in this case, they they went too far. He hadn't gotten in the webs but he had been bounced around and nearly threw up from all the food churning in his stomach.

"Can't you ever just... _not_ cause trouble?" he asked before going to the bathroom as well.

James, now in his pajamas, flopped back onto his bed. "Why is everyone against pranks?"

"They're boring, that's why," said Sirius, disappearing behind his curtains to get changed.

Remus had done some of his packing the previous night but now he began packing away everything that remained, suggesting to his friends that they did the same. James complained that they'd have time in the morning. Remus rolled his eyes, not saying anything more on the matter. If they wanted to rush around last minute, so be it.

Remus took his exam paper, a joyful smile spreading across his face as he saw his Defense grade. _E_, he thought, carefully folding the paper and tucking it into his satchel. Did that mean he'd be getting Es with a different teacher? "I wonder who our new Defense teacher will be," he mused out loud as he began searching under his bed for any stray books.

"Someone better than Dedenne!" James exclaimed.

"A stick is probably better than _her_," Sirius complained.

Remus kept smiling since he knew they really didn't have any problems with her aside from the fact she had mistreated him. Their vehemont dislike was solely because of that, and it made him feel rather good. He slithered out from under the bed, dropping the last of his books into his trunk, glad that he was all packed up.

That night they stayed up late. Eventually they moved to the common room so they wouldn't bother the other two, bringing down snacks and board games. They weren't the only ones still up, there were a few others in the dorm but they were all scattered about so nobody bothered each other with their last night celebrations.

Sirius had nicked some butterbeer from some other students. Only two bottles so they figured they'd just share. Remus did not want anyone drinking after him. He doubted human saliva would do anything buuut... he fetched some cups and thankfully none of them seemed annoyed by this.

Sirius poured out the butterbeer then they all took their cups.

"To an amazing year," James said, lifting his cup.

"To our upcoming amazing year," Sirius said.

"To... errr... all the amazing pranks we pulled and, um, _will_ pull!" Pete said.

Remus had no idea what to say. _To the fact I should be putting space between us?_ "To amazing friends," he finally settled on.

They clinked their cups together then Remus took a swig of his butterbeer. He hadn't had it the first time around, when James and Sirius had bought some in Hogsmeade. It was... quite good, actually. He took another sip then they began playing Hippogriff Flip. After that they went into card games, going through the last of all their candy piled together, well into the night. Eventually the others in the common room left until it was finally just the four of them. James played his record player (not Kaeso, thankfully!) and they lot rather rowdy since at about three in the morning one of the prefects came down to tell them to shut up and go to bed. They all murmured apologies then simply returned to their card game, not returning to the dorm until after four.

As tired as he felt it took Remus a long time before he finally drifted into sleep, too much anxiety about what going home would be like.

*

James, Sirius, and Peter were rushing around in the morning while Remus sat on his bed, watching with amusement just as he had before Christmas. His pajamas and bathroom supplies had been packed away, the only things he had had left. Finally they were finished (all of them scrabbling around to make last second checks under furniture) then they left the dorm. Remus felt a little sad to be leaving the dorm which looked so weird and empty without all their stuff everywhere, except for one of Sirius's drawings which he had accidentally somehow used a permanent sticking spell on to put on the wall.

They didn't have a whole lot of time for breakfast though Peter did stash away some of the food in his bag before they went outside, joining the first year queue so their names could be checked off before they climbed into a carriage. Those creepy dragon-horse things were hooked up and Remus tried his best not to look at the one attached to theirs as he climbed in. The trip to the station was relatively quiet and on the platform James and Sirius bid Hagrid farewell before the four of them went searching for a compartment to call their own. They managed to find one and took over the place, their bags flung about, legs sprawled.

"Too hot in here," James said, finagling the window open. "_Much_ better."

"So what do we have left for the train?" Sirius asked.

"Not much. Some frog spawn soap, I got some Drooble's still I thought we could put loads of bubbles down the train..." James went through his bag, looking at his abysmal remainder of pranks."Got some itching powder I was saving for Snivellus. You?"

"One firecracker," Sirius said, eyes glittering. "I wanna chuck it into a stall."

James beamed back at him, giving a thumbs up. Remus couldn't help but giggle, remembering the train ride to Hogwarts. They had to explain to Peter who hadn't really met them until they happened to share a boat across the lake.

Half an hour after the train started Remus excused himself to go find Lily, intending on sitting with her for a bit. Unfortunately she was with Snape, not the Gryffindor girls. Snape glowered as soon as Remus opened the door, hand twitching towards his wand.

"Um, er," Remus coughed. "I j--just wanted to say goodbye to Lily."

"Well, you have. Now leave," Snape growled.

"Severus!" Lily hissed out. "I--I'll be back in a moment." She got up, going out into the corridor with Remus. "Sorry about that--"

"It's all right," he replied. "I'm glad you're able to spend some time with him." _Not really_.

Lily smiled and then hugged him tightly. "I'm going to miss you this summer. You better write."

"I--I'll try to, as much as I can," he replied, then nervously hugged her back.

There was loud hooting and 'ooooooooooh's from down the corridor and they sprang apart, seeing the other Marauders. Remus glared, hoping they wouldn't start up the stupid kissing-on-a-broom song again.

"Can I have a hug toooooo?" James laughed.

Lily folded her arms. "Go stick your head in a cauldron, Potter! Preferably one that's already _boiling_!" She turned to Remus. "If I don't see you again before the train gets there, have a good summer." Then she stormed back into her compartment, slamming the door shut. Remus could hear Snape asking what the matter was and Lily replying with 'dumb Potter and stupid Black'. Snape said, 'You mean Pratty and Barmy' to which Lily laughed.

"Guys!" Remus went over, blushing a bit. "Th--that wasn't nice."

"She sure hugs you a lot," Peter said, eyes twinkling.

"Yeah," James agreed. "A _lot_ a lot."

He sighed. "Because she's my friend. What are you doing out of the compartment anyway?"

Sirius held up the firecracker. "Thought we'd go ahead and do this. Want to join?"

Unfortunately none of the bathrooms were occupied. They were going to give up but Remus had the idea of putting the firecracker in the toilet with the lid down on the wick. It was a wet-start firecracker, so when someone lifted the lid the rocket would slide into the commode and then go off.

Once that was set up they retreated back to their own compartment, just in time for the treat trolley to go by. James bought pretty much the entire thing, dumping the giant pile onto the seat between him and Peter.

"They should have a _jokes_ trolley," Sirius said as he took one of the cauldron cakes. "Instead of candy they sell pranks."

"That'd be _super_," laughed James. "I am going to save my entire summer's allowance for Gambol and Japes."

Later in the trip James and Sirius went to use up the rest of the pranks they had while Remus and Peter played some card games. During this time there was a knock at the door, and it was Silverlocke. He came in, awkwardly sitting next to Remus so they could say goodbye. Remus felt bad for not searching him out. He thought briefly maybe next year they'd be able to get to know each other a bit better then realized it was probably best if they didn't. Still, they chatted for a few moments then Remus and Silverlocke said goodbye to each other before he left.

"It's weird, seeing you chat with a Slytherin," Peter said.

"Not all Slytherins are awful," Remus replied as he picked his cards back up.

"You think so? Hmm."

James and Sirius returned and the four of them played Jarvey for ages, listening to the radio, giving themselves stomachaches as they ate more candy than they should have, then finally London drew close. They put everything away, Peter and James kneeling on the seats to watch the train go slower, slower, until they pulled into Kings Cross.

"Bloody hell, nine weeks," Sirius moaned as the train shuddered to a stop.

James bounced off his seat and hugged Sirius tightly. "It'll be all right. It's _only_ a few weeks."

Sirius hugged him tightly back, and Remus could sense that Sirius was extremely sad. Then James hugged Remus and Peter both too, then Peter hugged Remus and Sirius, then Sirius and Remus gave a rather awkward hug as they were the two least huggy ones.

After they got their trunks Sirius got off the train first, by himself. Right before he stepped off he straightened his back, put his shoulders back, and marched off the train. Remus saw out the window him going over to that same snooty woman as before. She leaned in close, lips curled back in a sneer as she hissed something in his ear, then she seized his arm, dragging him to the Apparation section.

James and Peter got off the train and Remus started to, then hung back. He watched his two friends go to _their_ parents, both of them getting loads of hugs and love. James turned, eyes going wide as he realized Remus wasn't with him. He poked Peter and Peter looked around then shrugged. Remus drew back from the window.

_Come on, leave_.

He saw Lily being swept into the arms of a tall blonde man with a mustache.

_Please leave_, he thought, glancing back at James. The Potters and the Pettigrews were talking. Beyond them he could see his mother, craning her neck as students got off the train. _Please, please, please_. James gave another look round then gave Peter another hug before finally leaving. Then, _thankfully_, Peter and his parents left too.

Remus hurried off the train, running over to his mother who gave a shriek of joy, hugging him tightly, the two of them nearly falling down from impact. "Baby!" she sobbed. "Oh, Remus, darling!"

"Mum!"

She cupped his face in her hands, kissing his forehead multiple times. "You've gotten a little taller," she said, putting her hand on top of his head. "Look at you."

"C--can we go home?" he asked, worried Lily might still be lurking somewhere. "I'm pretty tired. It's been a long day."

"Of course." She took his hand and he curled his other hand around the handle of the cart his trunk was on, and they walked through the barrier. Remus didn't feel safe until they actually got into the car and pulled out of the parking lot; only then was he able to relax. "I missed you so much," Hope said.

"I missed you too," he said automatically, resting his head back, closing his eyes. _My first year at Hogwarts_, he thought as Hope turned the Muggle radio on which was just starting playing a new hit.

_Well we got no choice, All the girls and boys, Makin' all that noise, 'Cause they found new toys!_

Remus pressed his forehead against the glass, feeling rather buzzy despite being so exhausted. It had been such a crazy trip, the past ten months. He couldn't believe it, thinking back, how _strange_ everything had been. But he couldn't talk about pretty much ninety percent of everything that happened. He had to keep everything bottled away, hidden from his parents. Lying through letters was one thing... would he be able to get away with two months of lying?

_Well we can't salute ya can't find a flag, If that don't suit ya that's a drag!_

He looked up at the sky, wondering what his second year would have in store for him. And if he'd actually be able to go through ending things with the Marauders because right here, right now, he very much so doubted he could.

_School's out for summer! School's out forever! School's been blown to pieces!!_

Hope made a disgusted noise, turning the station. "Honestly, music has gotten so strange lately," she sighed.

Remus closed his eyes again. "Yeah," he agreed softly, then eventually drifted into sleep, dreaming about Hogwarts, and the Marauders.


End file.
